a screenplay
by Mike Souder
Genres:
action, sci-fi/fantasy
A detective is caught in a global conspiracy surrounding a device that enables instantaneous travel
Mike Souder
member since 10/24/2009 |
last login 05/19/2013
I work in aerospace, but I hope to become a writer. I mainly like writing horror or "twilight zone" type movies....
Bio
I work in aerospace, but I hope to become a writer. I mainly like writing horror or "twilight zone" type movies.
Submissions by Mike Souder
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a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: horrorA young doctor battles an awakened evil in an asylum for the criminally insane.
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a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: horrorA med student and his bulimic girlfriend film the onset of a pandemic that turns people into eating machines.
Reviews by Mike Souder 23
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A review of PROP HOUSE V-2by Mike Souder on 07/13/2011I think you’ve got a good start here, but your script is bogged down in passive voice, some spec script no-nos, a couple of useless characters, and a need for more laughs. First the passive voice, everyone in this script starts to do something then is doing something, they hardly ever just do. Go through and replace all the starts ____ing and is ____ing with just active verbs... I think you’ve got a good start here, but your script is bogged down in passive voice, some spec script no-nos, a couple of useless characters, and a need for more laughs. First the passive voice, everyone in this script starts to do something then is doing something, they hardly ever just do. Go through and replace all the starts ____ing and is ____ing with just active verbs. Passive voice is okay when used sparingly, but really drags the script down when used throughout.
You also like to use a lot of “we see…” “we hear…” This is a big no-no for spec scripts. All these can be fixed by just using active voice sentences to describe what’s happening. Instead of “we see Sherlock stop for a moment as the others pass” just put “Sherlock stops as the others pass.”
And speaking of Sherlock, what was his role in the movie beyond it just being cool to have him? I expected him to use his intellect to find the case and stop the bomb, but he never did that. It seems he was just there to make inappropriate observations for a laugh or two. Maybe he did something important towards the beginning and I just forgot about it, but as of now, I think you could cut him and not lose too much. If you want to keep him, I’d say reduce the parts of Action man and Bullet and let Sherlock find the case.
As for laughs, you need way more. Maybe I’m just a cynical bastard, but I didn’t laugh out loud once. I smiled a few times at some of Sherlock’s lines, but overall I thought the comedy didn’t come through. Really this is all subjective so I don’t have much advice for how to fix it.
The last thing I want to mention is target audience. I’m a movie buff from about 1980 and on, so while I’ve heard of all your characters, I might not have seen all the movies. It seems like you are targeting a much older audience with this by focusing on the classics. Could this be redone for modern movies? (Probably not since they don’t use props anymore.)
Anyway, my running notes are below.
Pg1. Since I get yelled at for this all the time FADE IN!
Pg2. Capitalize Okay
Pg7. A hit on Broadway? – parenthetical is messed up
Pg8. nearby
Pg10. You mention here that Dog doesn’t like talking about is father. I’m guessing the actor or director is supposed to come up with a way to show that via body language, but you could describe it.
Now you tell me a short, funny slapstick sequence is supposed to take place. This is a classic example of “The Indians take the fort.” That one line could account for 30 minutes of movie in an old western. Describe to me what happens. “Funny movie involving a prop house goes here.”
Pg11. I think you can cut this scene.
Pg12. You have a lot of people starting to do stuff. Just have them do it. “We notice…” big no-no.
Pg16. I think you need to find a better way to hide the exposition about his degree.
Pg17. Bringing inanimate objects to liFe.
Pg18. How about “Jack prints the translation.” ?
You have a lot of passive voice in your description/action lines.
Pg28. Lots of We this… We that, and now a camera shot. All things you want to avoid in a spec.
Pg29. Take this movie and stuff it in up your butt
Pg49. And throwing the hammer
Pg50. left along time ago.
Have them remember the atomic bomb thing in a more clever way.
Pg56. Eddy start to lose focus. The conflict between Ann and Jack here feels contrived.
Pg59. Laker’s chances this year?
Pg64. Force field police cars? Who has the ray gun, Rat or Dog?
Pg73. Elsa has been looking for some old dude dressed as Dracula all her life? I just don’t get this scene.
Pg80. At this festivities.
Pg87. I think you meant for Jack to say Did you get it.
Pg97. The last people was the Calmet1y read -
A review of Dementedby Mike Souder on 07/03/2011I think there are a number of major problems with your screenplay. First the dialog, all of it is on the nose with characters saying exactly what they were thinking or feeling with little or no subtext. They almost sound robotic when I read it. I’d recommend getting some friends to read this out loud as you take notes. It’s easier to hear things that don’t sound right versus... I think there are a number of major problems with your screenplay. First the dialog, all of it is on the nose with characters saying exactly what they were thinking or feeling with little or no subtext. They almost sound robotic when I read it. I’d recommend getting some friends to read this out loud as you take notes. It’s easier to hear things that don’t sound right versus reading them.
Second, formatting. Your action slugs are much too long, often a giant block of text. The language you use when you describe the action is similar to your dialog, almost computer like. You need to have tone and emotion in your action lines. With punchier language you’d reduce the amount of text. Also, hit enter every once in a while. You also need to describe your characters, make them come alive. The most I get about people are their age, sex, and an occasional body type.
Scenes. You seem to have a lot of unnecessary scenes, and you are always entering early and leaving late. You really don’t need to show him knocking on the door and being let in. Just start with him in the room. The scenes at the store are our hints that he’s just crazy, but they go way too long.
Those things out of the way, let’s talk story. Yours is basically about a guy with mental problems living in an imaginary world that crumbles around him. I’m left asking myself, why should I care? In the beginning Cecil is just a talking doormat, bouncing from one encounter to the next. I realized it was all in his head very early and couldn’t be bothered with taking any of it seriously. What is your core story? How did Cecil change? Why should I care? This just seemed like an excuse to string some weird scenes together in hopes of getting a scare. Cecil banging the rotting corpse was pretty interesting, though.
How do you fix all this? I’m afraid you need a page one rewrite. You need to give me a reason to root for Cecil or be concerned with his plight. I think you have a nugget of a story in there with the confrontation with the father. Cecil finally realizes things weren’t his fault, it was his asshole dad. This storyline didn’t really have time to develop. I’d get rid of all the Dan The Man stuff and focus on this. Also, make him active. He needs to make difficult decisions that guide the story. Maybe the reason he’s bringing these corpses home is to somehow get closure with his dad?
Once you have a strong character with a compelling story, the rest is easier. Read some books on screenwriting to fix formatting problems, speak the dialog aloud to fix on the nose issues, jump into scenes incredibly late, and leave them even earlier to fix the scenes. Every single time you write INT or EXT ask yourself why is this here. If the answer doesn’t relate to the character arc or isn’t an awesome scare… cut. This means no showing any of the perfunctory things happening in his life. Never show him kicking back and actually saying “Ahhh, peace and quiet.” No long scenes that exist for the sole purpose of showing transition from one scene to another. Cut all that.
I’m by no means an expert on screenwriting, but I think this story needs a lot of work. My running notes are below:
Get rid of (CONT’D) in dialog headers
In general, your action slugs are more like action Jaba the Hutts. Only go over 4 lines for a damn good reason, like a character description, which you seem to be lacking.
Pg 3. How will the audience know this is Jack’s door? Have Cecil flip it off or something.
Pg4. I really hope Cecil doesn’t hook up with Angie. Kyle is pretty much the same as his dad, so that makes Angie his mom, and that’s gross. Also, who throws a goldfish down the sink and how does that clog it up?
Pg7. Do not have Cecil say “Finally some peace and quiet.” Way too on the nose, show it somehow.
It seems like all the other male characters in this movie are the same person, Jack.
Pg9. Dan’s dialog is messed up. Also, he’s yet another male exactly like the rest.
At this point, I don’t care at all about Cecil. He might as well be a punching bag with a sleeping face drawn on it.
Pg10. Tom begins to bully Dan – tell me what’s going on, pushing, name calling, purple nurples?
Pg11. Jack’s dialog should be V.O. “but not before Dan kills Tom” describe it to me, don’t just tell me.
Pg12. The dialog on this page needs work. They don’t seem like they’ve just killed someone. Cecil’s first line is to call the cops, not react to the murder. Dan is still calling himself dan the man. I think a few What the fucks are in order, maybe some shock.
Pg13. Break up this novel of text.
Pg14. A few supplies from the general store… dialog is unnatural.
Pg15-16. I hope the general store scene has meaning later. Right now, it’s a cut. Why do we need him knocking on the door? Just start the scene in beth’s apartment.
Cecil is just a little doormat. Make him do something!
You also need to describe your characters.
Pg24. Another huge block of text.
Pg28. All your descriptions of action are bland. “A hand touches Cecil’s shoulder causing him to turn around in shock.” This should be evocative of the emotion you are trying to convey. “A hand grabs Cecil by the shoulder. He spins around, heart leaping into his throat.”
Pg32. Very on the nose dialog here.
Pg52. “He walks over to Gabby on the bed and they have sex.” You’ve made sex boring.
Here I stopped taking notes and just read it to see if you had a salvageable story. read -
A review of Freedom, N.H.by Mike Souder on 02/23/2011This was a pretty good splatter-fest shoot’em up, but your sleight of hand with the main character was kinda jarring. Memphis is the real hero of this story, though for the first half, I was following Mike. Suddenly he gets shot, then Memphis just takes over. But how? Why is she such a badass? How was she able to kill all the guys at the bar? Most people can’t do that... This was a pretty good splatter-fest shoot’em up, but your sleight of hand with the main character was kinda jarring. Memphis is the real hero of this story, though for the first half, I was following Mike. Suddenly he gets shot, then Memphis just takes over. But how? Why is she such a badass? How was she able to kill all the guys at the bar? Most people can’t do that. Also, the guy mentioned he wanted to send a message, implying he was going to leave her alive after the assault. Most people wouldn’t risk a counter-attack like that. So that leaves me wondering, why isn’t Memphis most people? Also, I wanted to cheer when she killed the bartender.
I’m totally on board with her being a super badass. A couple of times she reminded me of River in Firefly, and at the end she was totally Sarah Conner. I just need to know what about her makes her capable of that.
That was my only big complaint that I can think of. There was a bit of ridiculous dialog from Jones in there and one odd transition (see notes below), but nothing major. When I thought Mike was the lead, I noticed how he always seemed in control, always knew what to do… that is until he got shot. But now that I think about it more, you might give him a little more emotion. He seems like the stiff soldier through the whole movie.
Finally, having them live at the end is expected, but I don’t like it. It made me think of the cow in Me, Myself, and Irene who just won’t die no matter how many times it gets shot. Why can’t they die together in the end? Then again, my main died on the last page in the first screenplay I wrote, and I never heard the end of it from reviewers.
Anyway, I think you’ve got something good here if you let Memphis take center stage from page one. My running notes are below.
Pg1. I don’t think you center Title Card
Pg8. Carrying us into. Most everyone says to avoid this type of language in specs.
Pg26. Their to they’re
Pg35. Heidi is very unphased by all the gunplay and death, and how does she know Lou is a perv?
Pg46. I breathe my own air.
Odd spacing after punctuation, mostly two but occasionally a one. I think you’re doing this to save lines, but I’d try rewording before messing with spacing.
Pg61. Who shot Doug?
Pg71. Just have Allie shrug instead of answer.
Pg78. So Allie unties him, but he still pretends to be tied up when Memphis and Heidi get back. Wouldn’t Allie think that was a bit odd?
Pg82. I don’t think we need the flashes here.
Pg85. This dialog sounds like we’ve moved into a comedy. This shit. Doesn’t sound so real.
Pg86. I don’t think this transition works. Show Jones telling his men to pullback or something.
Pg104. Brian icks open the door read
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Submissions by Mike Souder
-
a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: action, sci-fi/fantasy
A detective is caught in a global conspiracy surrounding a device that enables instantaneous travel
-
a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: horror
A young doctor battles an awakened evil in an asylum for the criminally insane.
-
a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: horror
A med student and his bulimic girlfriend film the onset of a pandemic that turns people into eating machines.
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a screenplay by Mike SouderGenres: horror, mystery/suspenseA father and his young daughter seek revenge on the biker gang that assaulted them six years ago.
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a screenplay by Mike SouderA nerdy nobody tries to rekindle an old flame while working on an STD project.
Reviews by Mike Souder 23
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A review of PROP HOUSE V-2by Mike Souder on 07/13/2011I think you’ve got a good start here, but your script is bogged down in passive voice, some spec script no-nos, a couple of useless characters, and a need for more laughs. First the passive voice, everyone in this script starts to do something then is doing something, they hardly ever just do. Go through and replace all the starts ____ing and is ____ing with just active verbs... I think you’ve got a good start here, but your script is bogged down in passive voice, some spec script no-nos, a couple of useless characters, and a need for more laughs. First the passive voice, everyone in this script starts to do something then is doing something, they hardly ever just do. Go through and replace all the starts ____ing and is ____ing with just active verbs. Passive voice is okay when used sparingly, but really drags the script down when used throughout.
You also like to use a lot of “we see…” “we hear…” This is a big no-no for spec scripts. All these can be fixed by just using active voice sentences to describe what’s happening. Instead of “we see Sherlock stop for a moment as the others pass” just put “Sherlock stops as the others pass.”
And speaking of Sherlock, what was his role in the movie beyond it just being cool to have him? I expected him to use his intellect to find the case and stop the bomb, but he never did that. It seems he was just there to make inappropriate observations for a laugh or two. Maybe he did something important towards the beginning and I just forgot about it, but as of now, I think you could cut him and not lose too much. If you want to keep him, I’d say reduce the parts of Action man and Bullet and let Sherlock find the case.
As for laughs, you need way more. Maybe I’m just a cynical bastard, but I didn’t laugh out loud once. I smiled a few times at some of Sherlock’s lines, but overall I thought the comedy didn’t come through. Really this is all subjective so I don’t have much advice for how to fix it.
The last thing I want to mention is target audience. I’m a movie buff from about 1980 and on, so while I’ve heard of all your characters, I might not have seen all the movies. It seems like you are targeting a much older audience with this by focusing on the classics. Could this be redone for modern movies? (Probably not since they don’t use props anymore.)
Anyway, my running notes are below.
Pg1. Since I get yelled at for this all the time FADE IN!
Pg2. Capitalize Okay
Pg7. A hit on Broadway? – parenthetical is messed up
Pg8. nearby
Pg10. You mention here that Dog doesn’t like talking about is father. I’m guessing the actor or director is supposed to come up with a way to show that via body language, but you could describe it.
Now you tell me a short, funny slapstick sequence is supposed to take place. This is a classic example of “The Indians take the fort.” That one line could account for 30 minutes of movie in an old western. Describe to me what happens. “Funny movie involving a prop house goes here.”
Pg11. I think you can cut this scene.
Pg12. You have a lot of people starting to do stuff. Just have them do it. “We notice…” big no-no.
Pg16. I think you need to find a better way to hide the exposition about his degree.
Pg17. Bringing inanimate objects to liFe.
Pg18. How about “Jack prints the translation.” ?
You have a lot of passive voice in your description/action lines.
Pg28. Lots of We this… We that, and now a camera shot. All things you want to avoid in a spec.
Pg29. Take this movie and stuff it in up your butt
Pg49. And throwing the hammer
Pg50. left along time ago.
Have them remember the atomic bomb thing in a more clever way.
Pg56. Eddy start to lose focus. The conflict between Ann and Jack here feels contrived.
Pg59. Laker’s chances this year?
Pg64. Force field police cars? Who has the ray gun, Rat or Dog?
Pg73. Elsa has been looking for some old dude dressed as Dracula all her life? I just don’t get this scene.
Pg80. At this festivities.
Pg87. I think you meant for Jack to say Did you get it.
Pg97. The last people was the Calmet1y read -
A review of Dementedby Mike Souder on 07/03/2011I think there are a number of major problems with your screenplay. First the dialog, all of it is on the nose with characters saying exactly what they were thinking or feeling with little or no subtext. They almost sound robotic when I read it. I’d recommend getting some friends to read this out loud as you take notes. It’s easier to hear things that don’t sound right versus... I think there are a number of major problems with your screenplay. First the dialog, all of it is on the nose with characters saying exactly what they were thinking or feeling with little or no subtext. They almost sound robotic when I read it. I’d recommend getting some friends to read this out loud as you take notes. It’s easier to hear things that don’t sound right versus reading them.
Second, formatting. Your action slugs are much too long, often a giant block of text. The language you use when you describe the action is similar to your dialog, almost computer like. You need to have tone and emotion in your action lines. With punchier language you’d reduce the amount of text. Also, hit enter every once in a while. You also need to describe your characters, make them come alive. The most I get about people are their age, sex, and an occasional body type.
Scenes. You seem to have a lot of unnecessary scenes, and you are always entering early and leaving late. You really don’t need to show him knocking on the door and being let in. Just start with him in the room. The scenes at the store are our hints that he’s just crazy, but they go way too long.
Those things out of the way, let’s talk story. Yours is basically about a guy with mental problems living in an imaginary world that crumbles around him. I’m left asking myself, why should I care? In the beginning Cecil is just a talking doormat, bouncing from one encounter to the next. I realized it was all in his head very early and couldn’t be bothered with taking any of it seriously. What is your core story? How did Cecil change? Why should I care? This just seemed like an excuse to string some weird scenes together in hopes of getting a scare. Cecil banging the rotting corpse was pretty interesting, though.
How do you fix all this? I’m afraid you need a page one rewrite. You need to give me a reason to root for Cecil or be concerned with his plight. I think you have a nugget of a story in there with the confrontation with the father. Cecil finally realizes things weren’t his fault, it was his asshole dad. This storyline didn’t really have time to develop. I’d get rid of all the Dan The Man stuff and focus on this. Also, make him active. He needs to make difficult decisions that guide the story. Maybe the reason he’s bringing these corpses home is to somehow get closure with his dad?
Once you have a strong character with a compelling story, the rest is easier. Read some books on screenwriting to fix formatting problems, speak the dialog aloud to fix on the nose issues, jump into scenes incredibly late, and leave them even earlier to fix the scenes. Every single time you write INT or EXT ask yourself why is this here. If the answer doesn’t relate to the character arc or isn’t an awesome scare… cut. This means no showing any of the perfunctory things happening in his life. Never show him kicking back and actually saying “Ahhh, peace and quiet.” No long scenes that exist for the sole purpose of showing transition from one scene to another. Cut all that.
I’m by no means an expert on screenwriting, but I think this story needs a lot of work. My running notes are below:
Get rid of (CONT’D) in dialog headers
In general, your action slugs are more like action Jaba the Hutts. Only go over 4 lines for a damn good reason, like a character description, which you seem to be lacking.
Pg 3. How will the audience know this is Jack’s door? Have Cecil flip it off or something.
Pg4. I really hope Cecil doesn’t hook up with Angie. Kyle is pretty much the same as his dad, so that makes Angie his mom, and that’s gross. Also, who throws a goldfish down the sink and how does that clog it up?
Pg7. Do not have Cecil say “Finally some peace and quiet.” Way too on the nose, show it somehow.
It seems like all the other male characters in this movie are the same person, Jack.
Pg9. Dan’s dialog is messed up. Also, he’s yet another male exactly like the rest.
At this point, I don’t care at all about Cecil. He might as well be a punching bag with a sleeping face drawn on it.
Pg10. Tom begins to bully Dan – tell me what’s going on, pushing, name calling, purple nurples?
Pg11. Jack’s dialog should be V.O. “but not before Dan kills Tom” describe it to me, don’t just tell me.
Pg12. The dialog on this page needs work. They don’t seem like they’ve just killed someone. Cecil’s first line is to call the cops, not react to the murder. Dan is still calling himself dan the man. I think a few What the fucks are in order, maybe some shock.
Pg13. Break up this novel of text.
Pg14. A few supplies from the general store… dialog is unnatural.
Pg15-16. I hope the general store scene has meaning later. Right now, it’s a cut. Why do we need him knocking on the door? Just start the scene in beth’s apartment.
Cecil is just a little doormat. Make him do something!
You also need to describe your characters.
Pg24. Another huge block of text.
Pg28. All your descriptions of action are bland. “A hand touches Cecil’s shoulder causing him to turn around in shock.” This should be evocative of the emotion you are trying to convey. “A hand grabs Cecil by the shoulder. He spins around, heart leaping into his throat.”
Pg32. Very on the nose dialog here.
Pg52. “He walks over to Gabby on the bed and they have sex.” You’ve made sex boring.
Here I stopped taking notes and just read it to see if you had a salvageable story. read -
A review of Freedom, N.H.by Mike Souder on 02/23/2011This was a pretty good splatter-fest shoot’em up, but your sleight of hand with the main character was kinda jarring. Memphis is the real hero of this story, though for the first half, I was following Mike. Suddenly he gets shot, then Memphis just takes over. But how? Why is she such a badass? How was she able to kill all the guys at the bar? Most people can’t do that... This was a pretty good splatter-fest shoot’em up, but your sleight of hand with the main character was kinda jarring. Memphis is the real hero of this story, though for the first half, I was following Mike. Suddenly he gets shot, then Memphis just takes over. But how? Why is she such a badass? How was she able to kill all the guys at the bar? Most people can’t do that. Also, the guy mentioned he wanted to send a message, implying he was going to leave her alive after the assault. Most people wouldn’t risk a counter-attack like that. So that leaves me wondering, why isn’t Memphis most people? Also, I wanted to cheer when she killed the bartender.
I’m totally on board with her being a super badass. A couple of times she reminded me of River in Firefly, and at the end she was totally Sarah Conner. I just need to know what about her makes her capable of that.
That was my only big complaint that I can think of. There was a bit of ridiculous dialog from Jones in there and one odd transition (see notes below), but nothing major. When I thought Mike was the lead, I noticed how he always seemed in control, always knew what to do… that is until he got shot. But now that I think about it more, you might give him a little more emotion. He seems like the stiff soldier through the whole movie.
Finally, having them live at the end is expected, but I don’t like it. It made me think of the cow in Me, Myself, and Irene who just won’t die no matter how many times it gets shot. Why can’t they die together in the end? Then again, my main died on the last page in the first screenplay I wrote, and I never heard the end of it from reviewers.
Anyway, I think you’ve got something good here if you let Memphis take center stage from page one. My running notes are below.
Pg1. I don’t think you center Title Card
Pg8. Carrying us into. Most everyone says to avoid this type of language in specs.
Pg26. Their to they’re
Pg35. Heidi is very unphased by all the gunplay and death, and how does she know Lou is a perv?
Pg46. I breathe my own air.
Odd spacing after punctuation, mostly two but occasionally a one. I think you’re doing this to save lines, but I’d try rewording before messing with spacing.
Pg61. Who shot Doug?
Pg71. Just have Allie shrug instead of answer.
Pg78. So Allie unties him, but he still pretends to be tied up when Memphis and Heidi get back. Wouldn’t Allie think that was a bit odd?
Pg82. I don’t think we need the flashes here.
Pg85. This dialog sounds like we’ve moved into a comedy. This shit. Doesn’t sound so real.
Pg86. I don’t think this transition works. Show Jones telling his men to pullback or something.
Pg104. Brian icks open the door read -
A review of Disbandedby Mike Souder on 02/23/2011I gotta say, this was standard zombie fare. You had all the normal scenes typical of the genre, but there was nothing really to make this script stand apart. I think you’ve got something here with the story of Trip and Mary Lou, but it seemed like Chuck was supposed to be the main guy. I thought he was a weak main character in the first place, but when he died on accident... I gotta say, this was standard zombie fare. You had all the normal scenes typical of the genre, but there was nothing really to make this script stand apart. I think you’ve got something here with the story of Trip and Mary Lou, but it seemed like Chuck was supposed to be the main guy. I thought he was a weak main character in the first place, but when he died on accident I realized he was a secondary. The problem is that none of your other characters are good enough to be the main as-is.
I think you should focus the story on Trip and Mary Lou, them coming together over zombies and racial tensions. That will set this story apart from all the others. You’d definitely have to keep Bobby John alive till the final showdown at the end where Trip has to choose between his brother and hatred or Mary Lou and love. Also, you should move Chuck to permanent secondary status and get rid of the opening scene with him (or kill him during it).
Also, I’m not quite sure why the title is Disbanded. If you go with my idea from above, the title could be Jungle Fever… with Zombies. Or just Zombie Fever. American History Z…ombie.
Now for some genre rule breaking… Can you please have someone kill Roads the moment she bitches about shopping or some other nonsense? Always, always, always this character ends up screwing everything up. It’s a staple of the zombie genre, and it should be stopped here and now.
Anyway, what you’ve got here is fine, but you need a little something extra to make it great. Below are my running notes from the read.
Pg1. Get rid of fuel efficient. How do I see that? Also, hybrid covers it.
The radio broadcast might be better if you interspersed it throughout the scene rather than giving it all up front.
Where is the crow’s nest of the vehicle? Do you mean the crow’s nest over the vehicle?
Pg2. Maybe instead of a cotton swab use one of those Qtip things they take DNA with from the inside of the cheek.
Pg5. Considerably. And after being side swiped, he just says Seriously?
Pg8. I recommend going with Bobby or John instead of Bobby John.
Pg12. Chicka-boom. Maybe instead of this describe how the sound hurts the ears or ricochets off the trees miles away.
Pg27. It seems all zombie movies have to moron character like Ms. Roads. It’d be great if you had the zombie eat her right here and now.
Pg30. In a zombie apocalypse, GPS would stop working, but it’s not a big deal.
Pg51. Bitchy
Pg58. They are wasting gas burning the dead bodies?
Pg62. It falls the pavement.
Pg70. This scene at the hospital can be shortened a lot. Start with Sarge waking up and end with Trip rubbing his head.
Pg71. Do we need the exact order of the group?
Clearing the hospital seems to drag on and on. We need something scarier than a rat and a bunch of locked up undead. Show something truly disturbing, like a room full of suicides.
Okay, so the main character is accidentally shot after napping on watch. Makes me wonder why he was the main character.
Pg83. Again Colorado gets pulled by her blanket. How long is this freakin thing? read -
A review of Robertby Mike Souder on 02/23/2011First, I don’t think this is really a screenplay, more like an oddly formatted short story. Your descriptions are all huge blocks of text (usually a no-no for specs) that sometimes describe things that can't be filmed. On top of this, there are two sections that are obviously unfinished. **Describe what bad form this is** That structural stuff out of the way, I just didn’t... First, I don’t think this is really a screenplay, more like an oddly formatted short story. Your descriptions are all huge blocks of text (usually a no-no for specs) that sometimes describe things that can't be filmed. On top of this, there are two sections that are obviously unfinished. **Describe what bad form this is**
That structural stuff out of the way, I just didn’t like this story. I can’t decide if it just wasn’t my genre or if there are flaws in the screenplay. I absolutely hated the character Robert, the way he’s a lazy stoner, his drunken shenanigans, the things he says to his mom when he leaves, the way he cheats on Eva. Is he supposed to be the villain of this story and I just missed the point? Am I supposed to be on his side? Why should I care about this loser? Why am I along for the ride as he has this freak out and then goes back to his old life?
I think you had a good premise in there of a guy finds out he’s a clone then wonders what that means in terms of his existence. I think you could have done a lot of good things with a character arc like this, but it felt like Robert had more of a character bubble that popped in the end. I can imagine some people might like watching something like that, but it doesn’t draw me in, and it didn’t leave me satisfied.
One final thought, I’d remove Sci-fi as part of the genre. Sure he’s a clone, but it’s only used to explore the essence of character. It’s not used in a Sci-fi sort of way. Below are my running notes from the read.
Pg37. The pretentious conversation is mind numbing, but I guess that’s the point. Still, I’d trim it down to a very few one liners. You have a bold note to yourself.
This car conversation is dragging on and on.
Eva talks for him and drives for him… I feel like we’re going to have a fight club moment in the end.
They enter this strange club and immediately toast?
Pg86. Why did you upload an unfinished screenplay? read -
A review of The Leanerby Mike Souder on 02/09/2011First, this was a surprisingly good story. I almost removed the assignment because “romcom” and “horseshoes” didn’t exactly blow my skirt up. But I figured what the hell, I need to broaden my horizons, and, it turns out, I liked it. It had all the usual beats, so I knew how it would end (except for one thing), but I think that’s typical of the genre, so I don’t know if this... First, this was a surprisingly good story. I almost removed the assignment because “romcom” and “horseshoes” didn’t exactly blow my skirt up. But I figured what the hell, I need to broaden my horizons, and, it turns out, I liked it. It had all the usual beats, so I knew how it would end (except for one thing), but I think that’s typical of the genre, so I don’t know if this is a problem to be fixed.
The only big problem I see is the dialog. A lot of times you leave out the subject of the sentence in the dialog. This would be okay if one, maybe two characters did it, but when they all do it, it gets very unnatural and sounds horrible to my mind’s ear. Sometimes it makes sense, but plenty of times it is confusing. If I was watching an actor deliver the line, there’d be no confusion, but since this is a spec, I think you need to clear things up. Because of this problem, all the characters started sounding the same to me… well, now that I think about it, really just Shamus, Shelly, and Ever.
One thing that was very unpredictable was Carl and Ron (maybe) being gay in the end. If you set this up at all in the beginning, I just plain missed it. It seemed so out of place, I thought you had some dialog mixed up between the characters (see notes below). It’s fine that they end up like this, but I was sure Shelly would end up with Carl after their first interaction. This isn’t the case, so I was wondering, what’s the point of Shelly’s character other than her OC behaviors for comic relief. Shelly just kinda feels tacked on there to me.
You made a big deal about a DVD near the beginning. Are they watching it on pg83? If so, you should point it out. If not, what happened to it?
Anyway, thanks for the well formatted, almost typo-free read. My running notes are below.
Pg17-18. Didn’t really understand what was going on in the break up scene. Seemed like half the time they were talking past one another, the other half on the nose.
Pg21. Firing is kinda abrupt.
Pg30. I’ve noticed a couple of times you leave out words from the dialog like “Just wish you had more kids.” Does Shamus wish Dick had more kids or does Shamus think Dick wishes he had more kids? I think you do this to make the dialog flow better, but I think it’s better to be clear and let the actors decide what words to leave out. It’s happening again and again and again.
Pg48. You are in need of a few the-s.
Pg54. You should definitely have Ever hear about Angie in the scene with Lance outside the bar.
Pg64. All you characters sound the same when all of them leave out words in their dialog.
Pg80. Instead of having them go camping, have Shamus go to Ever to try to work things out. Just when he’s about to decide to be with her, he gets a call about Kranski’s heart attack. I’m very anti-camping since the last Harry Potter.
Pg83. “Ignores pedestrian laughs in his face”
Pg88. “I’d did this whole Lance thing”
Pg91. Shelly and Carl’s dialog switched? I guess not. I must’ve missed any clues you left about Carl being gay. read -
A review of Wollemi Pineby Mike Souder on 01/29/2011So we’ve got an accidental murder, a falsely accused pedo, some vigilantes, a relationship on the rocks, a lot of drinking, and, oh yeah, a giant ape like creature that perhaps likes electricity. That’s a lot of things for a story, so there is a lot of potential here. Unfortunately, a key component is missing: a thread tying all these ideas together. In fact, each of these... So we’ve got an accidental murder, a falsely accused pedo, some vigilantes, a relationship on the rocks, a lot of drinking, and, oh yeah, a giant ape like creature that perhaps likes electricity. That’s a lot of things for a story, so there is a lot of potential here. Unfortunately, a key component is missing: a thread tying all these ideas together. In fact, each of these stories vies for attention and I think they all end up losing. They must intermingle beyond Eric investigating them.
You have a very prosey style in several of the descriptions that I think could be trimmed down, made punchier. Also, I think you need to break up those occasional never ending blocks of dialog with some sort of action. Another thing I noticed is that you tend to enter scenes early and leave them late. A simple example is the scene at Wild Tours. We see him calling them and getting into his car in the previous scene. You could then jump straight to the receptionist talking about the tours and jump out when he asks to borrow the map.
Also, there were a lot of things that just didn’t make sense to me, like how Bill knew everything that was going on in this town and not Eric. It seemed like anytime a lead was exhausted, Bill would call up with a new event for Eric to check out. You can find much more natural ways for Eric to move along the story by himself. All the other things that didn’t make sense to me stem from wondering what all these stories are doing together. I could ask what did Eric and Sarah’s relationship have to do with anything? Why was there a gorilla beast thing? Why the abrupt ending to the accidental murder story? Why wouldn’t he report what really happened? I guess I just missed the point of everything while waiting for all these stories to collide.
You have pretty much all the other elements that make a screenplay great. If you can tie the stories together, I think you'd have a winner.
Below is my running commentary with whatever typos I noticed.
pg8. Get rid of comma after 11am
Eric and Colin’s conversation at the train station for some reason feels very unnatural. Maybe give the dialog here another go?
pg12. Two old folk sits… change to folks sit.
Need a more ominous atmosphere. Why are we at Kingsley’s? It got better with the story, but the doobie passing cuts the tension.
Mrs. Fisher is much too happy to be answering questions about her pervert son. She’s probably been pestered all day.
Why does Bill know absolutely everything that goes on in this town before Eric?
pg33. Eric looks over the Sarah… change the to at
pg34. 3 hours each way for a 5 minutes… get rid of a
The jump tos and cut tos seemed to have stopped about a third into it, which is a good thing.
Somniferous, insouciant… I’ll have to find some way to wedge those words into my future screenplays.
pg55. I’ll you another day… add give
pg62. Bikini model pour… changing to pouring
pg63. Break up this tower of dialog from Josh.
pg84. On the touris some… add space between tour and is
Need to enter and exit scenes more efficiently… enter at the last possible moment, exit at the earliest.
Pg89 Why not just tell Sarah what he wants to do? Wouldn’t she be up for an adventure too? I don't get why he's tricking her.
Pg90. Whinger?
Why is he so hell bent on going camping? What does he know that we don’t? Is the beast somehow involved in the murder?
Pg97. Don’t think you need Music: Suspenseful. Director will handle that, but at least you aren't as bad as me and picking out exactly which song that should be played. read -
A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)by Mike Souder on 11/15/2009This was a very good script and very well done, but I think the premise is just a little to close to What Dreams May Come. In both movies, the protagonist fights his way through hell with a trusty side kick to rescue someone he loves. You take it the comedic route and maybe that's enough to differentiate. First, I think I only found two kinda sorta typos: pg 5. add I in... This was a very good script and very well done, but I think the premise is just a little to close to What Dreams May Come. In both movies, the protagonist fights his way through hell with a trusty side kick to rescue someone he loves. You take it the comedic route and maybe that's enough to differentiate.
First, I think I only found two kinda sorta typos:
pg 5. add I in "I wore this yesterday didn't ?" maybe on purpose cause will interrupts
pg 55. celtx double space error, last line. If you are using celtx, the double space after the period in "You murdered an entire family." throws family to the next line when it could easily fit on the first.
Now on with the meaty parts of the review. I was a little thrown that Will and Sara were brother and sister and not married, but I think you chose correctly. If Sara was a jesus freak and Will an athiest, that marriage would be difficult. You'd also be one step closer to the previous movie. I made a note about this as I was reading, but after further thought, you went the right way.
I felt the setup for the quest could use a little work. God just tells him, "This is what you have to do to get her. Here's a sidekick." But now that I think of this one, you couldn't pick a better spot for a deus ex machina. I'm going to debunk my whole review. I would have liked a less expository way for Will to figure out what he has to do for his quest.
I had some reservations about Chad, let's see if I can't talk myself out of those. We do get a bit of his motivation, that he wants to give something back, but he's putting eternity on the line for very little. God says help Will so he does, but why not give him his own reasons for trying to get into hell... say goodbye to someone, say he's sorry, punch a guy in the face for killing him. I don't know. Seems odd to be so eager to risk eternity in hell for being spared an eternity in hell.
Easy question, why go up the circles of hell? I always thought they got deeper. Do they go up in the divine comedy and I forgot that?
And finally, how exactly did Will help speed things up in Purgatory? I assume he just used his anal-IRS background, but you might want to make it more clear.
The last thing is the humor. I think you could improve things in a lot of places, but there were no groaners for me. Also, I actually laughed out loud at the 8th circle. Overall, good job, but I'd be worried about how close the general premise is to that other movie. read -
A review of The International Olympic Messiah Competitionby Mike Souder on 11/14/2009This is going to be an odd review. I hated this story and found it painful to get through, but I get a sense that you are a very talented writer. You maintain the delivery or tone of the piece quite well. It's really expertly done. It was very Hitchhiker's-esque, though the voice reading it in my head was the narrator of Pushing Daises (RIP). Unfortunately, I need much... This is going to be an odd review. I hated this story and found it painful to get through, but I get a sense that you are a very talented writer.
You maintain the delivery or tone of the piece quite well. It's really expertly done. It was very Hitchhiker's-esque, though the voice reading it in my head was the narrator of Pushing Daises (RIP). Unfortunately, I need much more meat on the bone to really get into a story. What you have seems like an overly long anecdote.
What I didn't like, or maybe didn't get, was the humor. I found myself rolling my eyes a lot. Computers should explode if anyone types "Will the real ____ please stand up?". That line really turned me rabid, and it was right up front.
Other than that, it'd be good to have some identifiable main characters, some arcs, and a conclusion that leaves me satisfied. Or just make it a hell of a lot shorter. Two pages tops. read -
A review of Snow (Revision)by Mike Souder on 11/08/2009This is a very well put together script that, as far as I can tell, only has one relatively minor weakness. First, let's get the easy stuff out of the way: Need to include a title page. pg 5. physically upset? Did she vomit or something? I would use visibly upset here. pg 6. "Andrews" should be "Andrew's" pg 13. "looking at the camera in his bedroom look back at him" is... This is a very well put together script that, as far as I can tell, only has one relatively minor weakness. First, let's get the easy stuff out of the way:
Need to include a title page.
pg 5. physically upset? Did she vomit or something? I would use visibly upset here.
pg 6. "Andrews" should be "Andrew's"
pg 13. "looking at the camera in his bedroom look back at him" is awkward. try "watching the camera in his bedroom watch him"
pg 69. odd there is a scene without Andrew. I can't recall any previous scenes without him. I thought we were getting things from his point of view, so a scene without him seems out of place.
pg 86. "He only know about" should be "He only knows about"
Bravo for actually proofreading and uploading a polished script. The others I've read haven't done a very good job in that regard.
Anyway, on with the review, I liked the story and I think almost everything works the way you want. The one problem I had was when Andrew and Emily find they are being taped by the abductor/murder and the rest of his family at the orchard. You're going to have to set this up more to make it believable. Have Emily remember a car following her or something after she escaped, so that there's some reason for the killer to be there. Or you could have the family discussing how they are going to recapture the one that got away, so we can assume they've been following her. With the rest of the script working, it's hard to believe you didn't set this up, so maybe I just missed it.
Since I pretty much have no other comments besides good job, I'll move to something more nitpicky... like Andrew's job. He edits viral videos to upload to his boss's site, but that's not how any of those sites work. The users edit their own videos and upload directly, and most don't get paid. I doubt you should even try to fix this, it's so minor. I actually thought you should use it more. Instead of Andrew finding tapes of the abductions, maybe he should have them uploaded to the site by some unknown user. When he goes to edit them, he realizes what he's got and keeps them for himself.
Surprisingly, that's all I have. If you have trouble selling this in hollywood, try making it yourself. I bet this could be made on a shoestring budget, so you might as well do it yourself. read
Comments About Mike Souder 14
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mmckean on 08/08/2012
Thank you for your review of "Bully Makeover." I found it very helpful and appreciated it a great deal. -
Gary Mark Lee on 08/17/2011
just make sure you give me a "heads up" when the new script is ready, hahahahah -
Shorn on 07/26/2011
G'day Mr Souder. Wanted to thank you for the insightful review of Stormangels. I like it when my credits aren't wasted. I'll be diving into revision mode very soon. One question you had that I'll try to clarify in my revision is why does Roland sacrifice Valery instead of Aaron. My intent will be to show that Roland kept her closer to him because she was the seed of Eidolon (the bad guy). Aaron was pure Amberon so if one had to go it had to be the girl. That'll get clearer. I've gotten a few really good reviews now so I'll be starting to fix everything. Cheers. -
Gary Mark Lee on 07/14/2011
thank you Mike for your helpful comments on "Prop House", yes it is for an older group but I just loved writting it, all the best to you and your projects. -
Kevin228 on 07/03/2011
Thank you for your review of Demented. -
wheelerswrite on 03/02/2011
Hey Mike,
Thanks for the read/review. I'm sorry you found the protag switch jarring. It is slight of hand stuff, and as such I need to be craftier about it. I'm gonna work on planting a little more support for Memphis. And yeah, I think i'm gonna kill the happy ending. It just doesn't seem to fit, and it makes all the violence that came before it almost comical, but certainly less impactful.
Anyway, thanks for your larger thoughts and smaller page notes. I really appreciate the time you put in.
-W -
ma_caiti on 02/13/2011
Thanks for the thorough notes. It all helps with further drafts. Enjoy TS! -
xpertcage on 02/10/2011
Hey Mike,
Thanks for your review of THE LEANER. You aren't the only person to mention concerns about the blended dialogue and I agree and have made some changes. Good stuff.
Dana -
Tim Groenendyk on 01/30/2011
Thanks for reading and reviewing Wollemi Pine, Mike! Looking forward to writing the next draft.... when I have time. -
Jcrawford88 on 01/25/2011
Hey i reviewed Father's Day and it was the first screenplay I read on here and I really liked it because it was different the only thing that wasn't cool about it was the revenge aspect. But I personally like Revenge it's cool and everyone deserves to get revenge.
when I said clique at the beginning of my review that was my idiotness kicking in...I meant to say cliche.
Keep writing.
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Comments About Mike Souder 14
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Thank you for your review of "Bully Makeover." I found it very helpful and appreciated it a great deal.
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just make sure you give me a "heads up" when the new script is ready, hahahahah
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G'day Mr Souder. Wanted to thank you for the insightful review of Stormangels. I like it when my credits aren't wasted. I'll be diving into revision mode very soon. One question you had that I'll try to clarify in my revision is why does Roland sacrifice Valery instead of Aaron. My intent will be to show that Roland kept her closer to him because she was the seed of Eidolon (the bad guy). Aaron was pure Amberon so if one had to go it had to be the girl. That'll get clearer. I've gotten a few really good reviews now so I'll be starting to fix everything. Cheers.
+ more commentsmmckean on 08/08/2012
Gary Mark Lee on 08/17/2011
Shorn on 07/26/2011