a short story
by Mike Wolfson
Genres:
drama
A man, a woman, an ape, and a game called lust.
Mike Wolfson
member since 10/06/2008 |
last login 05/16/2012
An English writer of numerous short stories - most of which have been posted here on TS - and one short play. I've produced work in many genres including comedy, romance, horror, fantasy, and straight drama. Currently working on a myriad of...
Bio
An English writer of numerous short stories - most of which have been posted here on TS - and one short play. I've produced work in many genres including comedy, romance, horror, fantasy, and straight drama. Currently working on a myriad of projects including more short stories, an extended version of my short play "Bless My Soul", and a novel. Feel free to say hello.
Submissions by Mike Wolfson
Reviews by Mike Wolfson 176
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A review of Knock Me Outby Mike Wolfson on 05/15/2012Hi Asankagurusinghe, I’ve been on this site since 2008. I’ve posted a 170 plus reviews, and I’ve just read the single best short story on TS that has ever come my way. Period. I’m a huge fan of stories in any medium that have the ability to make you laugh out loud, that can mix it with moments of sadness, friendship, tenderness, pain, loss, a sense of not belonging, sexual... Hi Asankagurusinghe,
I’ve been on this site since 2008. I’ve posted a 170 plus reviews, and I’ve just read the single best short story on TS that has ever come my way. Period.
I’m a huge fan of stories in any medium that have the ability to make you laugh out loud, that can mix it with moments of sadness, friendship, tenderness, pain, loss, a sense of not belonging, sexual experimentation / awakenings because deep down those stories capture life, real life. Leanne exists in inner cities up and down this country. Not only does she exist but so do the characters and settings you introduce us to.
You achieve this through one of the best examples of character building through POV narration / dialog that I’ve ever read. Note ‘ever read’ not just on TS, and yeah I do read a lot. I started reading this like I do any assignment, but I hadn’t finished the first page before I was wrapped up in Leanne’s world, and I was a reader going on a journey with Leanne by my side.
It’s a total cliché but the characters literally do jump out of the page. Leanne is attitude with a capital ‘A’. But this is not spoilt brat attitude this is sassy you have to love this kid kind of attitude. Bizarrely, it left me at times thinking of ‘The Bride’ in Kill Bill. It’s just the never say die attitude.
Structurally, I can’t fault it. It’s 20 pages long and a hell of a lot happens in those 20 pages, and you won’t find any fat or filler in here, this is lean and mean. Love the 1,2,3,4 punches, comedic and creative at the same time.
Dialog, well I’ve already mentioned the POV narration but I never mentioned the impressive use of slang.
I have no recommendations for improvement, if you want to find out how rare that is read some of my other reviews. As I write this I notice that the story isn’t currently listed as a featured submission. I’ll be shocked if that status isn’t awarded soon although, you might need a couple of more reviews.
Good luck with this. Take care and all the best,
Mike read -
A review of The Gospel of Maireby Mike Wolfson on 05/14/2012Hi Francesca, I’ve seen enough reviews flying around the site to know that “The Gospel of Maire” is one of a series of shorts. I can only review the story in isolation as I haven’t read the other parts, so I’ll apologise if comments I make are wide of the mark in relation to the whole. I hope some of it will be of use. Ignore anything that you need to. There’s some deliberate... Hi Francesca,
I’ve seen enough reviews flying around the site to know that “The Gospel of Maire” is one of a series of shorts. I can only review the story in isolation as I haven’t read the other parts, so I’ll apologise if comments I make are wide of the mark in relation to the whole. I hope some of it will be of use. Ignore anything that you need to.
There’s some deliberate religious references in the story, but I also suspect that there are some more subtle ones that passed me by as I’m pretty much non-religious. Again, it’s just something I wanted to point out in case I get something very wrong.
Damn, don’t you just hate reviews that start with two paragraphs of lame excuses? Here’s the review finally…
Here we have a story of a near future society somewhere close to the tipping point of total collapse. The picture of the society portrayed is topical and oh so sadly relevant. Elements of the world building have been done very well. They tend to be the sections that you show us such as the crop raiders, the farmers grouping together, and the riot. I kept on being reminded of Survivors - not the recent remake – the original TV series / novel. There are some similarities with the communities coming together bartering for food / commodities. Which coming from me is a compliment because I love Survivors.
I think elements of the world building you should look at is where you have long paragraphs of explanation. E.g. page 17.
One solution to this is to eke out the info gradually. Alternatively – and this would probably be the approach I’d take – is to not necessarily explain everything. Some of it yes, but not everything. Drop hints, trust the reader, and let them join up the dots.
The mystery of Eibhlin’s father is never really resolved, and it’s a shame, as it leaves a loose end. I believe the father is the priest. However, because of the religious references / parallels it could genuinely be an immaculate conception. This sounds like I’m contradicting my previous suggestion of trusting the reader, but I think this is too fundamental a plot point to have any ambiguity. I suspect this will be cleared up in the other stories.
Overall, I liked it enough to read the other parts should they drop into my assignment list. I’d kind of like to know what order the stories should be read in just in case any more do come my way. I found the story very visual. Conversations seemed real. Characters seemed distinct, but I found that Maire and Ciaran maybe come together a bit too quickly. I kind of wanted an independent Maire to continue. But that’s me just being subjective, so it isn’t a criticism.
Hope that helps.
Mike. read -
A review of This Bad in El Pasoby Mike Wolfson on 05/07/2012Hi Gulfcoast, Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line. Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start... Hi Gulfcoast,
Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line.
Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start to finish it’s a well written story. I love the contrast in the first paragraph.
The back story that unfolds via our narrator engaged with me.
You switch tenses but I’m specifically mentioning it as a positive, because you pull it off. It’s not easy to do without jarring the reading experience, but it worked for me. I really liked the way the story unfolds with the switches between the scenes in the boot – English term for trunk - of the car, and the back story.
I could clearly visualise the narrator trussed up next to the golf clubs and the decaying Big Tim. The prose flowed freely and was easy to follow.
There’s only one area that I think you should look at in relation to improving the story. I’ve read the story 3 times now, and despite my enjoyment I’m left with the following nagging doubt: Is the voice of the narrator the voice of a man locked, and tied up, in the boot of the car for one or two days with no water, and a decaying corpse next to him? For me it isn’t because the voice is too coherent, and there’s not enough mad panic in him.
Ultimately, whether it needs tweaking is down to what you were aiming for. I was quite happy to suspend belief because I thoroughly enjoyed the story.
Good luck,
Mike read
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Submissions by Mike Wolfson
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a short story by Mike WolfsonGenres: mystery/suspense, sci-fi/fantasyTwo thieves, a hiding place, and an unexpected visitor.
Reviews by Mike Wolfson 176
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A review of Knock Me Outby Mike Wolfson on 05/15/2012Hi Asankagurusinghe, I’ve been on this site since 2008. I’ve posted a 170 plus reviews, and I’ve just read the single best short story on TS that has ever come my way. Period. I’m a huge fan of stories in any medium that have the ability to make you laugh out loud, that can mix it with moments of sadness, friendship, tenderness, pain, loss, a sense of not belonging, sexual... Hi Asankagurusinghe,
I’ve been on this site since 2008. I’ve posted a 170 plus reviews, and I’ve just read the single best short story on TS that has ever come my way. Period.
I’m a huge fan of stories in any medium that have the ability to make you laugh out loud, that can mix it with moments of sadness, friendship, tenderness, pain, loss, a sense of not belonging, sexual experimentation / awakenings because deep down those stories capture life, real life. Leanne exists in inner cities up and down this country. Not only does she exist but so do the characters and settings you introduce us to.
You achieve this through one of the best examples of character building through POV narration / dialog that I’ve ever read. Note ‘ever read’ not just on TS, and yeah I do read a lot. I started reading this like I do any assignment, but I hadn’t finished the first page before I was wrapped up in Leanne’s world, and I was a reader going on a journey with Leanne by my side.
It’s a total cliché but the characters literally do jump out of the page. Leanne is attitude with a capital ‘A’. But this is not spoilt brat attitude this is sassy you have to love this kid kind of attitude. Bizarrely, it left me at times thinking of ‘The Bride’ in Kill Bill. It’s just the never say die attitude.
Structurally, I can’t fault it. It’s 20 pages long and a hell of a lot happens in those 20 pages, and you won’t find any fat or filler in here, this is lean and mean. Love the 1,2,3,4 punches, comedic and creative at the same time.
Dialog, well I’ve already mentioned the POV narration but I never mentioned the impressive use of slang.
I have no recommendations for improvement, if you want to find out how rare that is read some of my other reviews. As I write this I notice that the story isn’t currently listed as a featured submission. I’ll be shocked if that status isn’t awarded soon although, you might need a couple of more reviews.
Good luck with this. Take care and all the best,
Mike read -
A review of The Gospel of Maireby Mike Wolfson on 05/14/2012Hi Francesca, I’ve seen enough reviews flying around the site to know that “The Gospel of Maire” is one of a series of shorts. I can only review the story in isolation as I haven’t read the other parts, so I’ll apologise if comments I make are wide of the mark in relation to the whole. I hope some of it will be of use. Ignore anything that you need to. There’s some deliberate... Hi Francesca,
I’ve seen enough reviews flying around the site to know that “The Gospel of Maire” is one of a series of shorts. I can only review the story in isolation as I haven’t read the other parts, so I’ll apologise if comments I make are wide of the mark in relation to the whole. I hope some of it will be of use. Ignore anything that you need to.
There’s some deliberate religious references in the story, but I also suspect that there are some more subtle ones that passed me by as I’m pretty much non-religious. Again, it’s just something I wanted to point out in case I get something very wrong.
Damn, don’t you just hate reviews that start with two paragraphs of lame excuses? Here’s the review finally…
Here we have a story of a near future society somewhere close to the tipping point of total collapse. The picture of the society portrayed is topical and oh so sadly relevant. Elements of the world building have been done very well. They tend to be the sections that you show us such as the crop raiders, the farmers grouping together, and the riot. I kept on being reminded of Survivors - not the recent remake – the original TV series / novel. There are some similarities with the communities coming together bartering for food / commodities. Which coming from me is a compliment because I love Survivors.
I think elements of the world building you should look at is where you have long paragraphs of explanation. E.g. page 17.
One solution to this is to eke out the info gradually. Alternatively – and this would probably be the approach I’d take – is to not necessarily explain everything. Some of it yes, but not everything. Drop hints, trust the reader, and let them join up the dots.
The mystery of Eibhlin’s father is never really resolved, and it’s a shame, as it leaves a loose end. I believe the father is the priest. However, because of the religious references / parallels it could genuinely be an immaculate conception. This sounds like I’m contradicting my previous suggestion of trusting the reader, but I think this is too fundamental a plot point to have any ambiguity. I suspect this will be cleared up in the other stories.
Overall, I liked it enough to read the other parts should they drop into my assignment list. I’d kind of like to know what order the stories should be read in just in case any more do come my way. I found the story very visual. Conversations seemed real. Characters seemed distinct, but I found that Maire and Ciaran maybe come together a bit too quickly. I kind of wanted an independent Maire to continue. But that’s me just being subjective, so it isn’t a criticism.
Hope that helps.
Mike. read -
A review of This Bad in El Pasoby Mike Wolfson on 05/07/2012Hi Gulfcoast, Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line. Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start... Hi Gulfcoast,
Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line.
Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start to finish it’s a well written story. I love the contrast in the first paragraph.
The back story that unfolds via our narrator engaged with me.
You switch tenses but I’m specifically mentioning it as a positive, because you pull it off. It’s not easy to do without jarring the reading experience, but it worked for me. I really liked the way the story unfolds with the switches between the scenes in the boot – English term for trunk - of the car, and the back story.
I could clearly visualise the narrator trussed up next to the golf clubs and the decaying Big Tim. The prose flowed freely and was easy to follow.
There’s only one area that I think you should look at in relation to improving the story. I’ve read the story 3 times now, and despite my enjoyment I’m left with the following nagging doubt: Is the voice of the narrator the voice of a man locked, and tied up, in the boot of the car for one or two days with no water, and a decaying corpse next to him? For me it isn’t because the voice is too coherent, and there’s not enough mad panic in him.
Ultimately, whether it needs tweaking is down to what you were aiming for. I was quite happy to suspend belief because I thoroughly enjoyed the story.
Good luck,
Mike read -
A review of Not My Secret to Tellby Mike Wolfson on 05/07/2012Hi Karla, “Not My Secret To Tell” is an effective little mystery tale which I enjoyed. The opening visuals are strong and you can picture the restaurant the couple are eating in. All is normal until Mr.Hunt enters the fray. At that point you know there’s something not quite right. The story progresses until the reveal at the end. The original crime was committed by Danny... Hi Karla,
“Not My Secret To Tell” is an effective little mystery tale which I enjoyed.
The opening visuals are strong and you can picture the restaurant the couple are eating in. All is normal until Mr.Hunt enters the fray. At that point you know there’s something not quite right. The story progresses until the reveal at the end.
The original crime was committed by Danny as he came to the defence of our narrator. Danny’s actions at the end make a nice twist, but they also have a detrimental impact on his character. Suddenly Danny becomes a little bit cold, very decisive in a literally lethal way.
Hence, it might be better to extend the story slightly further to show some inner turmoil within Danny before the course of action is set.
Secondly there’s one aspect of the story that had me scratching my head. In some respects it’s minor and very picky but…Mr.Hunt has comeback from Chicago for the funeral. However, towards the end the inference is he’s comeback purely to extract some cash from Mr & Mrs.Meyers.
If he’s comeback purely to commit blackmail the funeral serves no purpose. Currently – by having the funeral – it looks like maybe that event triggered some memories and a way out of his predicament. Suddenly, he’s not a cold blackmailer, but maybe a desperate man who can see no other way out of his predicament.
You’ve opted for block paragraphs rather than the standard indented paragraphs. I know it’s not essential in terms of a TS format, but it’s good practice to get in to. Pick up any book from your collection and ask yourself how many utilise block paragraphs.
I hope this helps. Despite my comments I enjoyed the read and would gladly read a re-write / more of your work.
Good luck,
Mike read -
A review of City of the Pastby Mike Wolfson on 05/01/2012Hi Max, I know “City of The Past” is an experimental deviation from your usual work as you told me yourself. It takes writers courage to do just that and I think you’ve had a good run at it. The story is about one man, Daniel Sneer. Sneer reflects on his own life, the life he used to lead, and the happier but simpler life he leads now. The irony exists in the fact that society,... Hi Max,
I know “City of The Past” is an experimental deviation from your usual work as you told me yourself. It takes writers courage to do just that and I think you’ve had a good run at it.
The story is about one man, Daniel Sneer. Sneer reflects on his own life, the life he used to lead, and the happier but simpler life he leads now. The irony exists in the fact that society, certainly in relation to Sneer’s current status, wouldn’t see it that way. Even charity is denied him, and aggressively so. Well, I think that metaphor was there.
I’m not sure if the fight with the man actually takes place or whether it’s playing out in Sneer’s mind. It actually doesn’t matter as the fight – I believe again – is more of a metaphor for the inner turmoil that haunts Sneer.
There is some really great observation in this story. Great observation always makes any story better, but it really helped with this one. I found myself at times reflecting on parts of my own life. That’s a huge compliment. Although, it took me two reads to start to get to grips with the story, and three reads to feel really comfortable with it. (Yep, follow up a compliment with a low blow). However, that’s more down to the style which you’ve adopted for the story, rather than any clumsy writing ability. This one needs time investment.
My favourite piece of observation starts on page 3:
“This is just like old times…” and finishes on page 4 with “…and that’s exactly what I’m doing now.”
My writer’s intuition tells me – maybe incorrectly - that there’s quite a bit of the real Max Watt tucked away inside this story, and particularly so in the section I’ve referenced. Many apologies, if I’m way off the mark. Ahem, and I’m talking about inner thoughts not necessarily situations.
It’s a lost souls tale, but the hope is there, as is happiness…ultimately.
Improvements? Well, let’s call them points for consideration.
As an exercise try this: Read the story again but miss out the opening two paragraphs from the author. Miss out the author comment on page 3 about being lazy. Miss out the final author paragraph. Ask yourself what difference has it made to the story?
So I’m saying edit out the ‘author’ comments? Well, not necessarily which is why I used the term points for consideration, and here comes the second consideration. Re-write those author sections. I think ‘City of The Past’ is exceptionally well written from beginning to end, except those sections. It struck me that you were inadvertently relying on attitude to carry those sections. Keep the attitude but polish the prose too. Apologies!
The third point of consideration is to weave the voice of the author all the way through the narrative. I’m going to send you an email to accompany this review. There’ll be a one page attachment as an example of what I mean.
Overall I liked it. I may or may not have understood everything. Maybe I was a pretentious knob and looked too deeply at some sections. Hopefully, I got it, please let me know if any comments are way off the mark. Finally: On my first read through I would have probably have marked this with approx four averages and two goods. When I started writing this review I’d read the story three times. Now, as I finish the review I’ve actually read it five times. It gets better with every read, and I’d give it straight goods in all categories. It has potential if it’s developed.
Take care – Mike
Reading Notes / General Thoughts:
Daniel Sneer – Great character name. I’d even say Dickensian.
P.3 - (I’m too lazy to make up street names, so I’ve used real ones. Does that make it better?) – Irrespective of previous comments I really don’t like that line. You’ve set this story in York…a real city…so why would you make up street names anyway?
P.4 - The man threw Sneer to the ground, the force with which he did so lacking. – Incomplete sentence? I wasn’t sure if a word was missing or whether I was misreading the line.
P.4 - He stood up, staggering forwards, holding his back, and trying to save face. - Consider a slight revision: He stood up, staggered forwards, held his back, and tried to save face.
One more: He stood up, staggered forwards, held his back, and saved face. read -
A review of My Best Friend Is Deadby Mike Wolfson on 04/11/2012Hi Logan – As promised here are my thoughts. The most important thing to say is that the story is well written from beginning to end. I’m sure you told me it was a first draft, and as a first draft it’s good. (Better than my first drafts anyway!) My gut feeling is that some readers will like it just the way it is. Personally, I’d like you to delve a bit deeper and ‘show’... Hi Logan – As promised here are my thoughts.
The most important thing to say is that the story is well written from beginning to end. I’m sure you told me it was a first draft, and as a first draft it’s good. (Better than my first drafts anyway!)
My gut feeling is that some readers will like it just the way it is. Personally, I’d like you to delve a bit deeper and ‘show’ us more of the future world in which this story is set. Towards the end it comes across as if you were trying to make a point about who and what we are. That may or may not be the case, but if it was, the point becomes more powerful if you show us the world / society that the characters inhabit. (The film Gattaca is an example of the point I’m trying to make.) It would also help us understand the characters more, and help to flesh them out. I think it would be good to know the reasons why the best friend character killed himself. Preferably via a ‘show’ approach rather than a ‘tell’ approach. Use a flashback if you still want to set the story seven years ago. Have the central character tell another close friend about it, or why not have a VR debate about it with the best friend? Yes, I know that would mean changing some aspects of the story, as currently the character doesn’t really remember why.
Like I said it’s well written, and I do genuinely believe some will like it as it is. As a first draft it definitely shows promise. I firmly believe that if you dig deeper into the story, characters, and background, you have something here that has potential to be very good indeed.
I hope this helps.
Take care and good luck – Mike. read -
A review of Mercy On Meby Mike Wolfson on 04/02/2012Hi V, You kind of had me from the start with this one as I’ve got a soft spot for tales of vengeance. It’s a little bit more than that though because you touch on other subjects such as a lack of justice, and prison sentences that are far too short. All of which I personally agree with. As a whole I liked the story that plays out. The voice of the narrator draws you in to... Hi V,
You kind of had me from the start with this one as I’ve got a soft spot for tales of vengeance. It’s a little bit more than that though because you touch on other subjects such as a lack of justice, and prison sentences that are far too short. All of which I personally agree with.
As a whole I liked the story that plays out. The voice of the narrator draws you in to the tale right from the start. It’s a well written piece from beginning to end.
If I had to make a suggestion for improvement it would be character based. There seems to be more to the narrator than we actually find out. I could be completely wrong, but I had the feeling that this is more than just a stressed out officer of the law fed up with the justice system. He has a daughter but there’s never a mention of a wife. Is he divorced? Did the wife die tragically? What pushed him that ‘one step beyond.’
Then we have the avenging angel as I shall refer to her. What was her personal motive? What made her do what she did?
Take the suggestions above with a pinch of salt, because as I said I liked it.
I hope more of your work comes my way.
Cheers - Mike read -
A review of Grandma Ellie (Second Draft)by Mike Wolfson on 03/31/2012Hi Kris, Grandma Ellie is a straight read about a bigoted old woman. In terms of structure you’re not indenting paragraphs when you switch between speakers. A new speaker equals a new paragraph. We find out Grandma Ellie is difficult via Paula. We don’t actually see the challenging old lady in action until the checkout scene. That doesn’t occur until page 6 in a 8 page story,... Hi Kris,
Grandma Ellie is a straight read about a bigoted old woman.
In terms of structure you’re not indenting paragraphs when you switch between speakers. A new speaker equals a new paragraph.
We find out Grandma Ellie is difficult via Paula. We don’t actually see the challenging old lady in action until the checkout scene. That doesn’t occur until page 6 in a 8 page story, which is too late.
Other Grandma Ellie actions such as complaining she might be late for Bingo, or that Paula is walking too fast don’t make her difficult.
Show the reader a lot more of this irascible old woman. Have her complaining about everything in the grocery story, prices, lack of stock, and other shoppers. Have her complaining about the retirement home when Paula first arrives.
It’s because there’s a lack of ‘show’ that I’m a little bit unsure of the Grandma Ellie character. Is she an ageing old lady with a short temper and a sharp tongue ready to tackle anything she’s unhappy with? Or is she purely a racist? I genuinely don’t know.
I’d also consider your ending. It’s put together as a nice little twist. However, in stories such as this the ‘Grandma Ellie’ character normally gets some form of comeuppance at the end of the story. Has that happened here? I’m not sure. If she’s forced to sit and be polite to someone she doesn’t feel is an equal then possibly, but I’m not sure that’s about to happen. How do we know she isn’t going to be difficult and argumentative? It could be said that you’ve ended the story at the most dramatic point. It might be interesting to write the dinner scene, but that’s your choice.
The other aspect that you need to consider is your theme. Racism / prejudice has been tackled extensively over the years, with some very powerful pieces of fiction. In comparison Grandma Ellie is very light in its approach. If you want to make this work I think you really need to delve much deeper into social issues.
Your dialog is a little direct. You might hear the term ‘on the nose.’ You’re using dialog to spell out everything exactly but people rarely speak in that way. Here's an example:
“Honey, I’m taking Grandma Ellie shopping for the week… I just hope she doesn’t humiliate me again.”
“Paula, we’ve talked about this. When she makes you upset, you need to tell her.”
“I tell her every time. She just doesn’t understand what she's doing wrong.”
Here’s the same conversation tackled in a different way.
“Honey, I’m going to pick up Ellie. God knows what fate has in store for me this week.”
“Just stay calm and explain.”
I smile and say, “You’ve never met her.”
Line 1 tells the reader there’s something difficult about Ellie, although they don’t know what yet. That little bit of mystery helps draw the reader in. Line 2 shows us that the Boyfriend knows the situation and negates the need to use dialog to spell it out e.g. ‘Paula we've talked about this’. Line 3 tells the reader that it might not be so easy as just talking. Again it negates the need to spell the situation out directly.
Try and think about character and the situations they are in. This will often dictate whether dialog should be oblique or direct. A bank robber standing in front of a cashier with a shotgun will be incredibly direct with his dialog. A boyfriend / girlfriend comfortable in each other’s company are likely to converse in a more indirect way.
On a positive note I will say that the prose was very clear. I understood everything that was happening. I didn’t stumble over the text at any point. I was able to visualise everything.
I do think this needs more work but I do think you can write. I hope this helps.
Good luck – Mike. read -
A review of Through the Medium of Glassby Mike Wolfson on 03/28/2012Hi Jenni, I love the title of the story. It’s up there with my two other TS title favourites: ‘Jesus was Kickboxing’ & ‘Naked and Drinking Coffee’. I think the central concept of luck / fortune being transferred through glass is highly imaginative. In some respects – intentional or not - it’s a twist / modern take on the seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror. As I’ve... Hi Jenni,
I love the title of the story. It’s up there with my two other TS title favourites: ‘Jesus was Kickboxing’ & ‘Naked and Drinking Coffee’.
I think the central concept of luck / fortune being transferred through glass is highly imaginative. In some respects – intentional or not - it’s a twist / modern take on the seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror.
As I’ve said in a previous review your writing style is clean and uncluttered, which makes events easy to follow. That’s a big thumbs up.
I’m a fan of paranormal stories so the subject matter appealed to me. Despite being a fan of the genre the story didn’t fully engage me, and it comes down to one reason. You’ve opted to tell the story as a straight narration. Here’s an example:
"Once, I was at a church that was meant to be haunted by a woman who was burned at the stake for witchcraft because she had healing powers. As I walked up to the altar, led by the vicar (who didn’t believe in ghosts and was trying to play the story down), I suddenly felt this astonishing warmth in my back. Ever since then, the stiffness that had plagued me since sustaining a rugby injury in 2003 has been wonderfully absent."
There is no atmosphere in the above prose it’s a straight telling. It’s not always essential for a short story but if you adopt a ‘show’ approach you pull the reader into the story because you place them right into the middle of events. The reader is then experiencing exactly what the character is experiencing. You do it with the “astonishing warmth in my back line” but it needs more than just that one line. What about the church itself? What does the church look like? Dark panelled wood? Cold stone? Opulent? Sparse? What is Richard feeling as he follows the vicar towards the altar? How does he react after the supernatural experience? How does the vicar react? Add those elements and you create atmosphere. As it’s a paranormal tale it should be dripping with atmosphere.
If you want to keep the same narration style have Richard sitting in a room recounting all these events to a confidante, but have him describing the settings, and his feelings, this will allow you to build atmosphere, tension, a sense of unease, and possibly fear.
The other way to achieve this would be to switch to third person and describe the events as they unfold.
In relation to character they are well defined but I have one suggestion for you. Richard is very neutral “Scientific but non-judgemental.” I believe the story would be more dramatic if you make him totally scientific and totally dismissive. You could have him forced into these circumstances by his TV producers in an attempt to boost flagging ratings. You then have a character being forced to confront things that he doesn’t really believe in. This would also drive up the dramatic tension.
I hope the above helps. In many ways it’s an old style story updated for a modern audience. As a result I think this has great potential, and I would gladly read a re-write if one is planned.
Take care and good luck,
Mike.
P.S – The chap on page 8…it’s MB again.
P.P.S – A Tom, Dick, & Harry story – you made me smile. read -
A review of Cassandraby Mike Wolfson on 03/12/2012Hi Mike, I have to take my hat off to you. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ve progressed greatly since I last had one of your stories drop into my assignment list. You’ve obviously put in a lot of hard work, and it’s paid off. I really like the opening to Cassandra it sets exactly the right tone and mood for the piece. Technically – from a structural point of view... Hi Mike,
I have to take my hat off to you. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ve progressed greatly since I last had one of your stories drop into my assignment list. You’ve obviously put in a lot of hard work, and it’s paid off.
I really like the opening to Cassandra it sets exactly the right tone and mood for the piece. Technically – from a structural point of view – it’s also very good because it ties up with ending. So the eerie setting you created kicks right in when we jump back there with the police officer. Nice touch!
Personally, I didn’t see the twist coming with the nature of the Cassandra character, and there have only ever been a handful of stories on TS which have duped me. Do you know how much it hurts my readers pride having to add one more story to my ‘I got duped’ list?
In my opinion there’s only one section of the story you should look at, and it’s a minor point, because taken as a whole this story worked for me. I’m struggling to see how Alex died; I just can’t see someone getting speared in the leg from a chair leg. Maybe it’s just me. An alternative would be to have him leaning back in a chair and then cracking his head as he goes backwards.
While I was reading the story I was frowning slightly when we see Alex as a ghost, but considering the ending it works. Introducing the concept of ghosts prior to the reveal at the end strengths the ending. Again, it’s good technical craft.
The dialogue on the whole works. Characters are defined and seem real, or should that be ethereal?
I like the way you give a nod to your other works too.
The end section with Earl diving into the water is very well done.
Good luck,
Mike
(Reading Notes)
P1. – “Even the insects quiet their incessant noise in anticipation of what may come next.” – It works but it reads a little awkward. Maybe try something like “Even the incessant noise of the insects dims in anticipation of what may come next.”
P.1 – “He scratches his bald head and leans back in his chair, taking a fresh look at her, trying to figure her out.” - You could remove the ‘bald’ as you told the reader he was bald just two lines ago, so it’s kind of redundant, and a little repetitive.
P.3 – “small glass globe” – You mention the glass globe a couple of times. Did you mean Crystal ball? Just interested, if you meant glass that’s fine.
P.3 - “And I’m Alex, baby. I’m sure you remember me” Alex added, making a kissing gesture. – I’m no grammar guru but I think you need a comma after ‘me’ – you could possibly use a full stop, but I think a comma is best. Nothing after ‘me’ is definitely wrong.
P.3 – ““I can tell you” Cassandra said sadly. – It’s a comma after ‘you’ – “I can tell you,” Cassandra said sadly. You do this a few times. I’m not going to pull out every example so give the work a thorough check.
P.4 – “Said I was going to get hit by a semi or something but I’m right here.” - Nothing wrong with the sentence this is a UK / US issue. I don’t know what a ‘semi’ is, please let me know. The difference in word usage interests me. In the UK ‘semi’ is short for semi-detached which is a type of house. I know that’s not what you were saying so I’m keen to know what it means in the US.
P.6 - Detective Wright nods solemnly - Missing full stop. (Check the sentence before this one for a missing comma too)
P.6 - "Shit just keeps gettin' stranger 'round here" - Missing full stop.
P.6 - “Just transfer it through” He says - Again missing full stop I won’t flag it anymore just do a thorough check.
P.7 / 8 - “Well yes, that’s correct. I’m not sure if you're aware of this or not, but a young boy passed away in your house a couple days ago…” - I might be getting confused here. Is it just Jack that died, or was it Alex and Jack that died in the house? If it was only Jack you might want to somehow make it clear that Alex was a ghost from the first time we meet him. I thought both die in the house at the same time. But again it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes you read a story that you just enjoy irrespective of any issues, and ‘Cassandra’ is one of those stories. read
Comments About Mike Wolfson 192
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f-ceska on 05/16/2012
Hi Mike,
Thanks for your review of 'The Gospel of Maire'. You're right, it is part of a series, but it's the first in the series. The others, in this order are: 'The Gospel of Michael', 'The Gospel of Ryan', 'The Gospel of Grainne', 'The Gospel of Alfonso' and I'm currently writing the penultimate one 'The Gospel of Lucas', which hopefully will be followed by 'the Gospel of Liam'. I hoped to write each one so that it would be a self-contained short story but naturally there are bound to be a few loose ends. (The combined 'novel' will be called 'The Gospels of Eibhlin'. It all started with the screenplay.)
Despite what you might think with all those gospel titles, I'm not in the slightest bit religious myself and I've probably missed a few religious references myself. If you do ever get round to reading any more of them, I hope you'll pick up on what the greater intention of the combined stories are, and it's more to do with how religions are created by people in times of need.
I totally agree with your point about the long, rambling explanations. As this was the first story I was trying to explain it to myself I think. In subsequent stories I think i got a bit better at letting the reader 'join up the dots'.
Your observation about the priest - very astute. You need to read the Gospel of Michael next! About Maire's independence, I think I've been saving that for her daughter, Eibhlin. After all, she's really the heroine of the whole thing, and she has to be totally unlike what you'd expect from a 'saviour'.
I don't remember the original 'Survivors', though I would have been quite young when it was first shown in the UK. I haven't lived in England for nearly 20 years now, so I must have missed the remake. Maybe I'll look out for it. Sounds interesting.
Anyway, thanks again for your positive constructive advice. I will be rewriting them when (if) I finish the whole thing.
Good luck with your work too. I hope to read some more.
Francesca
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asankagurusinghe on 05/15/2012
Thanks Mike for the kind review. There's very few original ideas about- I was influenced by a radio 4 documentary about the poeple that answer ringing phone booths, the Nightjack police blog, Fish Tank, Kill Bill and real life. This was one of the better ones, I've written some shocking stuff before and probably will again. Good luck with your writing. -
gulfcoastomega on 05/07/2012
Thanks, Mike! -
MaxWatt on 04/30/2012
Oh dear, sounds like a crushing blow. I really liked "The Flower Woman" too. But it's all part of the learning. All of my academic studies have been focused on writing, and I can quite confidently say that I've learnt more from TS in a year than through any of my studies. So yep, what a waste of time that was! Haha. But the point is, we'll learn more from putting ourselves out there than anything else. So you're to be commended for that.
Writing what you want to read is the best way to go about it, in my opinion. I find you care more about what you're doing, rather than just writing to be noticed, where sure, you'll get a readership, but popularity will never be as important to me as doing something that I actually care about. Branching out and experimenting is fun, sometimes. It leads you to places you never imagined you'd go, and I've found myself doing that a lot lately.
No success so far, I'm afraid. In fact I've only just started sending my stuff off. I've been submitting to magazines and am just waiting for responses. Rejection, most likely. But hey, it's good to know that I'm out there.
No stories in progress at the moment, I've got plenty of ideas, it's just that they're quite vague and need structure. Plus, I'm incredibly slow when it comes to creative writing (and methodical, I like to think, but that's probably pretentious. Haha) So it might be a while.
And yeah! I'd be more than happy to read it for you, just e-mail it to me and I'll feedback as soon as I can. As for the exchange...well, there's a story that's already posted called "City of the Past" and it's very experimental, and I'm very uncertain about it. If you could give me your two pennies on that i'd appreciate it. I'd put credits on it, but I'm saving them for another project for which i'm gonna need shedloads of 'em (it's not a short).
Anyway, take care. Looking forward to reading it. -
MaxWatt on 04/24/2012
Hey Mike, speaking of publishing, how are you doing in the literary world? Any luck yet?
Just thought I'd drop in, haven't been on this site in a while, and i've just realized how out of the loop I've been. It's certainly valuable to see success from your fellow TS members.
Take care. -
lrees on 04/12/2012
Hey Mike,
Thanks for the thorough review! As a first draft, I wasn't sure which parts of the story needed to be fleshed out more, so it was great to hear which parts you wanted to see more of. Glad you think it has potential. I'm excited to read fantasies!! -
Victoria-Lynne on 04/08/2012
Thank you for your advice. I admire your writing greatly and hope you do not mind if I contact you in the future about anything.
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of what you have to offer. -
Victoria-Lynne on 04/05/2012
thank you for your kind words in your review of @Mercy On Me'
i had a screenwriting module in my university class and i chose to transfer 'Mercy On Me' to a screenplay. With this i have developed who the woman is and character developments and i gave her a motivation :) i'm hoping to upload it to Trigger but i don't know if i should re-write the short story or go for a screenplay. what would you recommend? -
lrees on 04/02/2012
Hey Mike!
Glad you liked the feedback. I wouldn't worry about keeping the reader's attention with your story, I think it does so very effectively.
If you have a second, I'd love some feedback on the story I just posted. It's a first draft, so I could use some good notes.
Thanks!
Logan Rees -
KSisk90 on 03/31/2012
Thanks for the review.
I actually didn't know that you needed to indent after a new speaker, someone else pointed that out to me as well. I'll be sure to correct that.
Maybe it is a bit late, but I wanted to keep the reader in suspense of what could be wrong with Ellie, when for the most part she seems like a nice old lady.
My intent with being late for bingo as well as walking too fast in the supermarket, was to show how Paula is treating Ellie somewhat badly. To make the reader start to sympathize with Ellie, then of course reveal in the supermarket why Paula treated her this way.
I didn't want to make Ellie purely an old cruel woman, I wanted her to be sweet, but have a racist undertone.
I would say that Ellie did get her comeuppance. Maybe it isn't clear, but my intent with the ending scene was to have a sit down with Allen and Ellie and try and talk it out, make a change.
About the theme.. well my intended theme was younger generation's struggles with older generation. As well as trying to change.
I have heard that from a few others actually 'on the nose'. Maybe I'm strange but I talk this way.
Thanks again for the review.
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Comments About Mike Wolfson 192
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Quote
Hi Mike,
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Quote
Thanks Mike for the kind review. There's very few original ideas about- I was influenced by a radio 4 documentary about the poeple that answer ringing phone booths, the Nightjack police blog, Fish Tank, Kill Bill and real life. This was one of the better ones, I've written some shocking stuff before and probably will again. Good luck with your writing.
-
Quote
Thanks, Mike!
+ more commentsf-ceska on 05/16/2012
Thanks for your review of 'The Gospel of Maire'. You're right, it is part of a series, but it's the first in the series. The others, in this order are: 'The Gospel of Michael', 'The Gospel of Ryan', 'The Gospel of Grainne', 'The Gospel of Alfonso' and I'm currently writing the penultimate one 'The Gospel of Lucas', which hopefully will be followed by 'the Gospel of Liam'. I hoped to write each one so that it would be a self-contained short story but naturally there are bound to be a few loose ends. (The combined 'novel' will be called 'The Gospels of Eibhlin'. It all started with the screenplay.)
Despite what you might think with all those gospel titles, I'm not in the slightest bit religious myself and I've probably missed a few religious references myself. If you do ever get round to reading any more of them, I hope you'll pick up on what the greater intention of the combined stories are, and it's more to do with how religions are created by people in times of need.
I totally agree with your point about the long, rambling explanations. As this was the first story I was trying to explain it to myself I think. In subsequent stories I think i got a bit better at letting the reader 'join up the dots'.
Your observation about the priest - very astute. You need to read the Gospel of Michael next! About Maire's independence, I think I've been saving that for her daughter, Eibhlin. After all, she's really the heroine of the whole thing, and she has to be totally unlike what you'd expect from a 'saviour'.
I don't remember the original 'Survivors', though I would have been quite young when it was first shown in the UK. I haven't lived in England for nearly 20 years now, so I must have missed the remake. Maybe I'll look out for it. Sounds interesting.
Anyway, thanks again for your positive constructive advice. I will be rewriting them when (if) I finish the whole thing.
Good luck with your work too. I hope to read some more.
Francesca
asankagurusinghe on 05/15/2012
gulfcoastomega on 05/07/2012