mlambush

A review of Cruel To Be Kind

by mlambush on 05/13/2011

Well not this exact script, but dozens of others like it. The semi-autobiographical slice of life set in [high school/college], starring the author's friends or facsimiles of them, [drinking/getting high] in almost every scene, with little to no plot. If I had a dollar for every one of these I've read on Triggerstreet, I wouldn't have to worry about selling my own stuff... read

Bob Rides Again!

A review of Sweetheart of the Rodeo

by mlambush on 05/04/2011

Been a long time since I've read one of your stories, Bob. I have to say with all honesty that this one was probably my favorite. It read quickly, the actions lines were the right length with right amount of attitude, the dialog was really good and there were characters I actually cared about. I am not kidding when I say that I had an emotional moment when Brooks prevailed... read

The Defendant

A review of The Defendant (#2)

by mlambush on 04/24/2011

There's a kernel of a good idea here. While certainly a page turner and a lean read, I felt little emotional resonance with the characters, especially Michael. You're pretty close to having a solid plot here, but you need to give us characters we care about in order to really make this piece shine. You've got alot of setup packed into Act I and I'm not sure it's effective... There's a kernel of a good idea here. While certainly a page turner and a lean read, I felt little emotional resonance with the characters, especially Michael. You're pretty close to having a solid plot here, but you need to give us characters we care about in order to really make this piece shine.

You've got alot of setup packed into Act I and I'm not sure it's effective as it could be. For instance, the opening execution scene is not really the best way to show Michael's character or his conflict with Tallent, as Michael doesn't really do anything to get Rayfield's execution stayed. It's only because the guy has really small veins. In my opinion, you'd be better off having Michael and Tallent facing off in court, and Michael getting Rayfield off because of some technicality -- that plays in better with the ideas you are promulgating in this script.

The conversation with Michael and Robert about the pregnancy didn't seem real at all to me. Michael should be hitting the ceiling at this point. He's acting like Robert came home with a C- on a math test. Have them have a real blowup -- that way Michael can carry this tinge of regret with him knowing that the last time he saw his son it was not on the best of terms.

I was also confused about Michael's behavior in the second half of the script. He coldbloodedly executes the Blythes (in the best scene in the story, IMHO), turns himself in, confesses his guilt, says he's going to take whatever punishment comes to him -- and then proceeds to mount a defense that ends with him getting acquitted? It's a complete 180 and comes out of nowhere. Also, if he pleads guilty, then there would be no trial (we never see him plea either way in the script, it's left open)

I'd do one of two things -- 1) have him kill the Blythes and try to get away with it, rather than turn himself in; or 2) Lisa, assigned as his attorney, convinces him to mount a defense and enter a plea of Not Guilty.

Given how there was no twist in the trial, it would probably be more realistic for the jury to be deadlocked rather than reach a "not guilty" verdict.

Ben Blythe needs to be introduced in the script much sooner. Wouldn't he be at the trial every day?

Lisa is also given short shrift in the script. You have a lot of space in here to flesh out these characters a lot more and she is one that could really use some work. I get that there is some kind of romantic attraction between the two of them, but it needs to be developed over the course of the story. I was surprised when she showed up at Michael's house and asked if she could move in.

So to sum up, I think the story itself is very good, although I don't know if there's enough here for a feature length movie. It seems more like a Law and Order episode. Which is not a bad thing. If you want to bump this up to feature status, we need to feel more connection with the characters. The technical stuff with the law is all there, now we just need the heart. Good luck with this! read

Gang Capit[o]l

A review of GANG CAPITAL

by mlambush on 09/21/2010

Yes, your title was mispelled. Unless you meant "capital" as in currency. But given the way it was used on the last page, I think you meant Capitol. Anyway, I think the mechanics of the story all work. Things moved along at a nice pace, there was a lot of great action scenes and you did a good job with both tension and raising the stakes. The story itself, as in what... read

Hypnophobia

A review of Hypnophobia (old draft)

by mlambush on 07/05/2010

Nice work! I really enjoyed this. Kind of a mix of "The Sixth Sense" and "What Lies Beneath" with a little bit of "The Grudge" thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, I don't really have a lot to say because I enjoyed the read. This was very well written and executed, I liked Marisa a lot and I bought into this world you created. Hope these few minor points are of... read

Great job

A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beast

by mlambush on 05/07/2010

I've been looking forward to reading something by the famous Agent Cooper and I have to say, you don't disappoint. This was by any standard a superior script, a rollicking read that moved along at a fast pace and kept the reader interested from beginning to end. The dialog was inspired, and the action lines were sparse with the right amount of attitude to set the scene... I've been looking forward to reading something by the famous Agent Cooper and I have to say, you don't disappoint. This was by any standard a superior script, a rollicking read that moved along at a fast pace and kept the reader interested from beginning to end. The dialog was inspired, and the action lines were sparse with the right amount of attitude to set the scene.

I don't really have many comments because you obviously know what you are doing. But here's a few small suggestions.

1) Your major plot point, which feels like the Act II break, comes on p. 34. Which is more than a third into the story. You might want to find a way to move this back about 10 pages because, although I was very entertained by what I was reading, I was starting to wonder where things were going. There is a huge amount of flashbacks in Act I, and you might want to move this plot point in the middle of them to break some of that stuff up.

2) I'm a big fan of the Guy Ritchie films that this was obviously inspired by, but like those films we don't really get to know the characters beyond the surface. Now the only one you really need to worry about is Brains, since he is your protagonist. But I would like to know more about the guy and what motivates him other than wanting to work for Twice.

3) And speaking of Brains, here's my number one critique: the events of the third act transpire without him really doing anything. He's just tied to a chair when things sort of resolve themselves. If this guy is called "Brains" I'd really like to see him use some of that grey matter to get himself out of the situation. Maybe he's the one that tells Twice that Floyd was the mastermind and that he had come to save Kat -- and then Kat, for her own personal reasons which are revealed later, decides to go along with it. It could create some extra suspense as Twice is obviously going to ask his daughter if it was true or not. And still leave you with your great twist at the very end.

4) Floyd, Tiny and Hammers all have the same "dumb" dialog. Now don't get me wrong, it is hysterical, but it seems like you might want to give the other characters more distinct personalities. Like how about Tiny is a genius instead?

5) It wasn't clear to me that Hammers was killed. And how come his dead body wasn't questioned by Twice during the interrogation scene? Brains should somehow use that to his advantage to get out of that mess.

Well that's all I got. This was a pleasure to read. Best of luck with it. read

Black Swan

A review of Black Swan

by mlambush on 04/28/2010

The very first line of the script is a red flag: EXT. CAR WRECK? A Car wreck isn't a location. It should be EXT. STREET What stuck out for me the most with this script was the dialogue. I never felt it was as good as it should be. Much of it was completely on the nose. It felt like the characters were talking to each other and saying things for the benefit of the audience... The very first line of the script is a red flag: EXT. CAR WRECK? A Car wreck isn't a location. It should be EXT. STREET

What stuck out for me the most with this script was the dialogue. I never felt it was as good as it should be. Much of it was completely on the nose. It felt like the characters were talking to each other and saying things for the benefit of the audience rather than the character in the scene. You wind up forcing conversations, and the dialogue becomes wooden and expository.

Going further into the dialogue, the author has set this script in the US but it's clear the writer isn't American and it shows through in what the characters are saying. Many of the terms are speech patterns used in the UK, so the characters don't come off as American at all. I see no issue in placing this script in the UK - it doesn't seem to really matter where the setting is as long as it's in a country with customs different than India.

To me, Bianca felt really cold through much of the first half of the script. I wasn't sure why you chose to draw her like that as I didn't see any solid motivation behind it. Sure, she found out that her husband had a child with another woman. But he had the relationship long before she was in the picture and he was unaware of his existence. The child would have become an orphan if not for Alex. She has no reason to act the way she did. Her motherly instinct would surely have kicked in. Right now, she's just nasty. If that's what you were going for, then you can proclaim success, but if you did it for conflict - I think it's hurting the story.

What I really think you need to do here is have Alex aware of the child, and purposely not tell Bianca about him. You're going to put Alex's likability in jeopardy, but it would create a nice rift in the relationship which natural conflict can be built upon.

You did a good job with the relationship between Holly and Shanker. It was the one part of this script that really shined. Their childhood innocence, especially Holly's, not only lightened up the dark subject matter, but it felt very organic. It was a nice contrast to the events leading up to and the situations that shaped the world the characters were in.

Finally, there isn't much of a story that would fit the film medium. There is no clear protagonist. At times it feels like Alex and other times it feels like Shanker. Since there is no clear protagonist, there isn't a clear goal and without a goal, the plot suffers. The film is extremely low-concept and doesn't really have a market. Granted, not all writers write to sell, but all writers must write for a market - I just don't see one in this story. read

Sweet Dreams Nightmare

A review of Sweet Dreams Nightmare

by mlambush on 04/25/2010

Everyone likes a good zombie-film, myself included. Nothing beats a screen full of the undead looking for a little lunch and a guy with an axe splitting heads of said undead. But you know what they say, man cannot live on zombies alone... or something like that. You're opening image was intriguing. We are introduced to Jack and the great thing about him is that he's got... Everyone likes a good zombie-film, myself included. Nothing beats a screen full of the undead looking for a little lunch and a guy with an axe splitting heads of said undead. But you know what they say, man cannot live on zombies alone... or something like that.

You're opening image was intriguing. We are introduced to Jack and the great thing about him is that he's got this little kid's coffin strapped to his back and something kicking from inside of it. This coupled with the fact that the character lives in a truly mad environment, being that it's full of the undead gives us intrigue and conflict. All very good.

After that, ACT I seemed to deflate rather quickly. Instead of keeping the audience wondering what's going on inside that coffin, we can deduce almost immediately that it's his daughter. That's a really strong plot device you had there and I think you could get milk it a little more. And I love a good supporting VO as much as the next guy, but if you spoon feed the reader every little detail for the entire act - there is probably some room for a little more plot development through action.

This act also lacks the proper set up for Jack as the protagonist. There's plenty of conflict - there's undead everywhere - but what is Jack's role in the film? He doesn't seem to need to do anything besides not get infected, but what he really needs to do is try not to get infected while pursuing a goal.

By the middle of the script, the voiceover became a little much. There is virtually no dialogue between any characters aside from Jack's V.O. to the audience up to this point. Try to image what it would be like to watch a film with no dialogue at all - just a guy fighting zombies and telling us what it's like to fight zombies. There's not much drama there. We need to see people interacting with one another - that's a big part of movies.

It was good to see you finally get away from the voice over in the third act but your dialogue did essentially the same thing during the scenes in the sanctuary. It was all just exposition - characters spoonfeeding plot to the audience through dialogue.

Format. You use a lot of CUT TO:'s, which is fine if that's your thing, but it looks like your using them to add length as well as fudging the margins. At 94 pages now, I'd be surprised if this script was any longer than 85. Try building out on some of the points above and I think you'll have this at feature length and a much more developed script.

In short, the biggest aspect this screenplay lacked was a solid plot. It is essentially a man killing zombie-like beings and talking to the audience with voiceover. Other than to stay alive, there is no goal or journey for him to go on and nothing for him to achieve. In the end he achieves nothing more than becoming a monster himself. Work a goal into the story, add some more characters we care about and have them interact with each other and you'll be on your way to a well rounded story. read

Wake Up, Maggie

A review of Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)

by mlambush on 10/27/2009

I thought this was a pretty serviceable Rom Com -- no major surprises, but with this type of film, is all about the journey and you have a couple of nice stops along the way. For the most part it was a quick read. A lot of my suggestions have to do with your setup in Act One. Gerry is too much of a nice, down to earth guy from the very beginning, without any real flaws... I thought this was a pretty serviceable Rom Com -- no major surprises, but with this type of film, is all about the journey and you have a couple of nice stops along the way. For the most part it was a quick read.

A lot of my suggestions have to do with your setup in Act One. Gerry is too much of a nice, down to earth guy from the very beginning, without any real flaws except for his discomfort around dogs. Maggie, on the other hand, already writes him off as being a typical spoiled Hollywood star, so the initial conflict is actually based on her misunderstanding rather than any flaw on Gerry's part. And since we know Gerry is a stand-up bloke from the beginning, this just makes her seem like an unappealing person, and so I never really warmed to her.

I think it would help if Gerry actually WAS a spoiled Hollywood star. Sure, he can have the regular guy background, but somewhere along the way he lost touch with who he really was and this story, for him, will be about getting back to that, so his character can have some actual growth. It would also be a better source of conflict than what's happening now.

I think having two accidents is a bit much. I'd lose Maggie's accident and just keep Gerry's, but make it a little more serious. Like he breaks his arm or something. The setup with the Dog movie is a little weak and just seems like some exposition to get him to Maggie's compound. How about he hurt himself and he actually needs one of those dogs to help him out while he recuperates? But he HATES dogs -- not just uncomfortable. Maybe he's a cat person. There's a lot of sources for conflict in this first half of the script that haven't been fully vetted.

My other big suggestion is that you show the TV interview. It is such a pivotal part of the story -- it represents when Gerry's eyes finally open to how awesome Maggie is -- and yet we never see it. You've got to show it. Too many people reference the interview in the story for you to just cutaway before it happens.

There's also room for another big "setpiece" in the script. I'm thinking you should show Gerry learn to ride the dogs around with the bike for a bit longer, and make a real comedy sequence out of it.

Finally, I never felt like Pete was much of a threat to their relationship and that source of conflict could be amped up.

Nice work, overall. Good luck with this! read

No Man Left Behind

A review of No Man Left Behind

by mlambush on 09/18/2009

This one didn't really work for me. It was a fast read, but that was mostly because nothing much was happening throughout most of Act II, so there wasn't a lot to pay attention to. There were some funny bits to be sure, but the tone of this script veered so much between comedy and drama that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be laughing at and what I was supposed to... This one didn't really work for me. It was a fast read, but that was mostly because nothing much was happening throughout most of Act II, so there wasn't a lot to pay attention to. There were some funny bits to be sure, but the tone of this script veered so much between comedy and drama that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be laughing at and what I was supposed to be troubled by. Overall, the behavior of all of these characters was disturbing and this script might benefit from being re-done as strictly a drama. As a comedy, I think you'd need to go with a lighter touch, a la "Superbad".

May major issue is that there's just not much at stake for Jon. By the end of Act I he decides he wants to be the biggest marijuana dealer, and that happens in relatively short order. And all goes swell for Jon until the party at Edden's house, so that means for about 50 pages we are just spinning our wheels, going from party to party while a plethora of characters pass through at a head-spinning pace. The all-is-lost moment around p. 77 is quickly turned around without much more than a pep talk, and the Detective is dispatched in short order. If Faso was talking so much, I'm sure he would've mentioned that Jon was dealing as well.

One thing might help is to give your characters some more distinct names. You have a Jon, James, Jerome, Jeremy (who is Jon's brother's friend, even though we have no way of knowing this) and even Faso's first name is Joey. We also have an Ally and an Ashley, a Mesa and a Mapler, Becky, Ben.... it gets pretty confusing keeping track of everyone. I'd suggest giving all of your characters names that start with different letters for one, and then reducing the number of characters you have. Like maybe Jon only has one best friend, Mapler, and some of these other characters come along after he becomes popular. By the time Jon was driving around with Ben, I was thinking, "who the hell is Ben??" It seems like Jon only leaves Ashley behind, it might help the story if he leaves a couple of his friends behind and makes all new ones. It would also give your title and the tap a double meaning and a little more symbolism for your theme.

Format and spelling need a lot of work. For format, I'd pick up Dave Trottier's "The Screenwriter's Bible, 4th Ed." and study the hell out of that sucker. Spelling is another issue - get someone to proof this bad boy for you. And man, it's "douchebag". That's one of the greatest words in the English language, if you're going to spell at least one thing right, let it be that.

Much of this seems like you settling some personal grievances from your past. I wrote a script like that as well when I was in my early 20s, but it wasn't all that good and I moved onto other things. There are some good jokes in here and I think they could be recycled into a better, more focused story. Keep writing! read

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