mlambush

First Place

A review of First Place Together

by mlambush on 06/02/2011

This was very well done. The dialog, characters, and story were all very solid. I don't have too much to add really. I could nitpick about some formatting and spelling errors, but if you're going to shoot this yourself, that probably doesn't really matter all that much. I only have two real big notes: 1) Act I drags a little bit. It doesn't end until p. 32, so that's... read

Time Storm

A review of Time Storm

by mlambush on 06/01/2011

I liked the creativity on display here. Time travel is something that always needs a new angle and the wormhole loop you devised for this script is a good one. However, the story you created to go around the concept doesn't quite work for me. Hopefully these few suggestions will be of some use to you: I've read so many scripts on TS that were all first act, with nothing... I liked the creativity on display here. Time travel is something that always needs a new angle and the wormhole loop you devised for this script is a good one. However, the story you created to go around the concept doesn't quite work for me. Hopefully these few suggestions will be of some use to you:

I've read so many scripts on TS that were all first act, with nothing really happening until the last 20 pages. This is the first script I've read that was all third act: the stakes are as high as they can possibly get from the time the wormhole opens until it closes as the end. So as a result, the characters are just running around trying to get the thing closed, with very little room to grow or develop over the course of the story.

You should really save your best tricks for the end: the train, the hot air balloon, tractor trailers -- this stuff should be the result of the bad guys doing something they shouldn't be doing with the device. Have the movie start smaller. Maybe at the graduation, it's a small wormhole and only Nick and Emily get sent through. I also didn't like that Old Gordon was telling them exactly what they needed to do as all hell was breaking loose. It seemed a strange time to be so calm. How about instead Nick and Emily are sent back to the 80s and don't have a clue what to do next? That's more of a challenge for them.

Notice I didn't say anything about Johnny -- as a character he didn't resonate with me at all and I think you should just lose him altogether. He really served no purpose in the story. I got that there was some longing for Emily on Nick's part, but there was never any sort of love triangle going on. Also, with so many characters running around, you're not giving Nick any time to grow on his own. He needs to be driving this story much more than what happens here. I wasn't even sure he was the main character at first because he seemed the least proactive of the three leads.

Nick needs a lot more fleshing out in Act I -- what does he want out of life? In Back to the Future, we know Marty wants to be successful with his band, he wants a better car, etc. I don't know what Nick wants out of life and his dad issues aren't resolved well in this draft. I think eliminating Johnny and making this script more Nick-centric will help you with his character arc.

I liked the whole Soviet-paranoia thing that the character Henry Miller brought to the piece. I think you should do more with that, really make a good commentary on the 80s.

Finally, Howard University is one of the leading black colleges in the United States. So imagine my surprise when I realized that this story didn't take place in Washington D.C. and the main characters weren't black. You should go with a different name.

Your writing style is really good. This was a fast read. But you need to make Nick and his growth as a character central to your next draft. read

I'm All In

A review of Last Chance Saloon

by mlambush on 05/17/2011

Alright! A script combining two of my favorite things: Texas Hold 'Em and British humor. This was very well done and very funny. I do have a few suggestions for your next draft. 1) Your top and bottom margins are way too small. So you are getting much more text onto the page than is the norm. My guess is this script would be a lot closer to 120 pages if the margins... Alright! A script combining two of my favorite things: Texas Hold 'Em and British humor. This was very well done and very funny. I do have a few suggestions for your next draft.

1) Your top and bottom margins are way too small. So you are getting much more text onto the page than is the norm. My guess is this script would be a lot closer to 120 pages if the margins were set properly. It doesn't necessarily read slow, because it's easy to tear through dialog, but some scenes could use some trimming and if you had correct margins you'd have a better idea of how much you need to cut.

2) I'd fix Act I by giving it more traditional structure: Inciting Incident, Call to Action, Debate, Break into Act II. I know that Bobby's goal is to get back some respectability, but give him a tangible goal that represents that. It was very funny to have Bobby give the Bailiff the wedding ring instead of the bracelet, but I'd forego the humor there and actually have Bobby give up the bracelet. Then he actually has a goal to drive him: to win back that bracelet (or rather, one just like it). The bracelet represents his respect, and giving it up to the Bailiff would be the ultimate blow. Having us root for him to get it back could get the audience squarely on his side.

3) Also in Act I, I didn't like that Bobby somehow came up with the money (p. 17). Let's just say we go with him wanting to earn a new bracelet. So he decides he needs to get into the WPT no matter what. So he sells everything else he owns (you can get rid of the wedding ring here) in order to enter the tournament. You could even have Martin note that Bobby sold $15K worth of stuff to win back a $5K bracelet.

4) A lot of stuff in here is really, really funny, but some of the scenes could use some tightening up. Get in and get out as fast as possible and keep the pace moving. As I mentioned before, fixing the margins will give you an idea of how long this really is. "Borat" is barely 90 minutes long and it has traditional structure as well as a quick pace. I'd aim for that.

5) Watch the Britishisms cropping up in American speech. The Police Officer (p. 62) was the most glaring. Americans don't say "Brilliant." He'd say "Great." Or even "Awesome" depending on how old he was. Is Lanny American or English? An American would say "What am I supposed to do with the seeds?" Not "meant".

6) P. 83. Just like in Act I, Bobby just happens to come up with the money he needs. Make him earn this one. And the best way would be to reconcile with Rick and get the $500 from him. They could have a man to man talk reaffirming their friendship leading into Act 3.

Seems like a lot but there's actually very little you need to do to improve the structure of the piece. Bobby was a great character and I enjoyed following him around for a few hours. Great work. read

I've Read This Script Before

A review of Cruel To Be Kind

by mlambush on 05/13/2011

Well not this exact script, but dozens of others like it. The semi-autobiographical slice of life set in [high school/college], starring the author's friends or facsimiles of them, [drinking/getting high] in almost every scene, with little to no plot. If I had a dollar for every one of these I've read on Triggerstreet, I wouldn't have to worry about selling my own stuff... read

Bob Rides Again!

A review of Sweetheart of the Rodeo

by mlambush on 05/04/2011

Been a long time since I've read one of your stories, Bob. I have to say with all honesty that this one was probably my favorite. It read quickly, the actions lines were the right length with right amount of attitude, the dialog was really good and there were characters I actually cared about. I am not kidding when I say that I had an emotional moment when Brooks prevailed... read

The Defendant

A review of The Defendant (#2)

by mlambush on 04/24/2011

There's a kernel of a good idea here. While certainly a page turner and a lean read, I felt little emotional resonance with the characters, especially Michael. You're pretty close to having a solid plot here, but you need to give us characters we care about in order to really make this piece shine. You've got alot of setup packed into Act I and I'm not sure it's effective... There's a kernel of a good idea here. While certainly a page turner and a lean read, I felt little emotional resonance with the characters, especially Michael. You're pretty close to having a solid plot here, but you need to give us characters we care about in order to really make this piece shine.

You've got alot of setup packed into Act I and I'm not sure it's effective as it could be. For instance, the opening execution scene is not really the best way to show Michael's character or his conflict with Tallent, as Michael doesn't really do anything to get Rayfield's execution stayed. It's only because the guy has really small veins. In my opinion, you'd be better off having Michael and Tallent facing off in court, and Michael getting Rayfield off because of some technicality -- that plays in better with the ideas you are promulgating in this script.

The conversation with Michael and Robert about the pregnancy didn't seem real at all to me. Michael should be hitting the ceiling at this point. He's acting like Robert came home with a C- on a math test. Have them have a real blowup -- that way Michael can carry this tinge of regret with him knowing that the last time he saw his son it was not on the best of terms.

I was also confused about Michael's behavior in the second half of the script. He coldbloodedly executes the Blythes (in the best scene in the story, IMHO), turns himself in, confesses his guilt, says he's going to take whatever punishment comes to him -- and then proceeds to mount a defense that ends with him getting acquitted? It's a complete 180 and comes out of nowhere. Also, if he pleads guilty, then there would be no trial (we never see him plea either way in the script, it's left open)

I'd do one of two things -- 1) have him kill the Blythes and try to get away with it, rather than turn himself in; or 2) Lisa, assigned as his attorney, convinces him to mount a defense and enter a plea of Not Guilty.

Given how there was no twist in the trial, it would probably be more realistic for the jury to be deadlocked rather than reach a "not guilty" verdict.

Ben Blythe needs to be introduced in the script much sooner. Wouldn't he be at the trial every day?

Lisa is also given short shrift in the script. You have a lot of space in here to flesh out these characters a lot more and she is one that could really use some work. I get that there is some kind of romantic attraction between the two of them, but it needs to be developed over the course of the story. I was surprised when she showed up at Michael's house and asked if she could move in.

So to sum up, I think the story itself is very good, although I don't know if there's enough here for a feature length movie. It seems more like a Law and Order episode. Which is not a bad thing. If you want to bump this up to feature status, we need to feel more connection with the characters. The technical stuff with the law is all there, now we just need the heart. Good luck with this! read

Gang Capit[o]l

A review of GANG CAPITAL

by mlambush on 09/21/2010

Yes, your title was mispelled. Unless you meant "capital" as in currency. But given the way it was used on the last page, I think you meant Capitol. Anyway, I think the mechanics of the story all work. Things moved along at a nice pace, there was a lot of great action scenes and you did a good job with both tension and raising the stakes. The story itself, as in what... read

Hypnophobia

A review of Hypnophobia (old draft)

by mlambush on 07/05/2010

Nice work! I really enjoyed this. Kind of a mix of "The Sixth Sense" and "What Lies Beneath" with a little bit of "The Grudge" thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, I don't really have a lot to say because I enjoyed the read. This was very well written and executed, I liked Marisa a lot and I bought into this world you created. Hope these few minor points are of... read

Great job

A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beast

by mlambush on 05/07/2010

I've been looking forward to reading something by the famous Agent Cooper and I have to say, you don't disappoint. This was by any standard a superior script, a rollicking read that moved along at a fast pace and kept the reader interested from beginning to end. The dialog was inspired, and the action lines were sparse with the right amount of attitude to set the scene... I've been looking forward to reading something by the famous Agent Cooper and I have to say, you don't disappoint. This was by any standard a superior script, a rollicking read that moved along at a fast pace and kept the reader interested from beginning to end. The dialog was inspired, and the action lines were sparse with the right amount of attitude to set the scene.

I don't really have many comments because you obviously know what you are doing. But here's a few small suggestions.

1) Your major plot point, which feels like the Act II break, comes on p. 34. Which is more than a third into the story. You might want to find a way to move this back about 10 pages because, although I was very entertained by what I was reading, I was starting to wonder where things were going. There is a huge amount of flashbacks in Act I, and you might want to move this plot point in the middle of them to break some of that stuff up.

2) I'm a big fan of the Guy Ritchie films that this was obviously inspired by, but like those films we don't really get to know the characters beyond the surface. Now the only one you really need to worry about is Brains, since he is your protagonist. But I would like to know more about the guy and what motivates him other than wanting to work for Twice.

3) And speaking of Brains, here's my number one critique: the events of the third act transpire without him really doing anything. He's just tied to a chair when things sort of resolve themselves. If this guy is called "Brains" I'd really like to see him use some of that grey matter to get himself out of the situation. Maybe he's the one that tells Twice that Floyd was the mastermind and that he had come to save Kat -- and then Kat, for her own personal reasons which are revealed later, decides to go along with it. It could create some extra suspense as Twice is obviously going to ask his daughter if it was true or not. And still leave you with your great twist at the very end.

4) Floyd, Tiny and Hammers all have the same "dumb" dialog. Now don't get me wrong, it is hysterical, but it seems like you might want to give the other characters more distinct personalities. Like how about Tiny is a genius instead?

5) It wasn't clear to me that Hammers was killed. And how come his dead body wasn't questioned by Twice during the interrogation scene? Brains should somehow use that to his advantage to get out of that mess.

Well that's all I got. This was a pleasure to read. Best of luck with it. read

Black Swan

A review of Black Swan

by mlambush on 04/28/2010

The very first line of the script is a red flag: EXT. CAR WRECK? A Car wreck isn't a location. It should be EXT. STREET What stuck out for me the most with this script was the dialogue. I never felt it was as good as it should be. Much of it was completely on the nose. It felt like the characters were talking to each other and saying things for the benefit of the audience... The very first line of the script is a red flag: EXT. CAR WRECK? A Car wreck isn't a location. It should be EXT. STREET

What stuck out for me the most with this script was the dialogue. I never felt it was as good as it should be. Much of it was completely on the nose. It felt like the characters were talking to each other and saying things for the benefit of the audience rather than the character in the scene. You wind up forcing conversations, and the dialogue becomes wooden and expository.

Going further into the dialogue, the author has set this script in the US but it's clear the writer isn't American and it shows through in what the characters are saying. Many of the terms are speech patterns used in the UK, so the characters don't come off as American at all. I see no issue in placing this script in the UK - it doesn't seem to really matter where the setting is as long as it's in a country with customs different than India.

To me, Bianca felt really cold through much of the first half of the script. I wasn't sure why you chose to draw her like that as I didn't see any solid motivation behind it. Sure, she found out that her husband had a child with another woman. But he had the relationship long before she was in the picture and he was unaware of his existence. The child would have become an orphan if not for Alex. She has no reason to act the way she did. Her motherly instinct would surely have kicked in. Right now, she's just nasty. If that's what you were going for, then you can proclaim success, but if you did it for conflict - I think it's hurting the story.

What I really think you need to do here is have Alex aware of the child, and purposely not tell Bianca about him. You're going to put Alex's likability in jeopardy, but it would create a nice rift in the relationship which natural conflict can be built upon.

You did a good job with the relationship between Holly and Shanker. It was the one part of this script that really shined. Their childhood innocence, especially Holly's, not only lightened up the dark subject matter, but it felt very organic. It was a nice contrast to the events leading up to and the situations that shaped the world the characters were in.

Finally, there isn't much of a story that would fit the film medium. There is no clear protagonist. At times it feels like Alex and other times it feels like Shanker. Since there is no clear protagonist, there isn't a clear goal and without a goal, the plot suffers. The film is extremely low-concept and doesn't really have a market. Granted, not all writers write to sell, but all writers must write for a market - I just don't see one in this story. read

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