mlwillis

A review of Prodigal Child 2nd Revision May 2008

by mlwillis on 10/22/2008

Some potential here. I like a lot of things in here. My primary concern is the lack of structure to your story line. I really didn’t like this script until page 32. There were some good intriguing things when Bryan talks about himself as the dust in the wind. Then it goes back to the predictable. It has potential but you need to flush out the theme a little better. Faith,... read

FALLOUT

A review of The Good of the Many (rev1)

by mlwillis on 09/22/2008

Wow. There really isn’t too much I can say here. You’ve done a really good job. But I’ll try to help a little. I. FORMATTING Your formatting is good. There are a few spelling errors and typos but you’ll have no problem fixing them. II. PLOT/STRUCTURE: You have a good plot, an okay name. Your structure is good too. You could probably cut some things out, but that’s a matter... read

GOOD STORY HUNTING

A review of Graveyard Gray - Rev

by mlwillis on 01/31/2008

Overall I like your writing, but I had to hunt really hard for the story. Page three, I’d take out, what is that bill, I’m tired (you’ve already established that) it's unnecessary. Go from, Yeah, to you can’t deviate from the script. He says nothing, come to my office. Show. Show. Introduce Felicia in the above scene. Take out os, you’re directing. Next scene’s really good,... Overall I like your writing, but I had to hunt really hard for the story.

Page three, I’d take out, what is that bill, I’m tired (you’ve already established that) it's unnecessary. Go from, Yeah, to you can’t deviate from the script. He says nothing, come to my office. Show. Show.

Introduce Felicia in the above scene. Take out os, you’re directing. Next scene’s really good, except just say to the side of her name, (on phone) like you would use os. Just my point of view, Felicia wouldn’t swear like that. It seems out of character. It doesn’t fit and adds nothing to the scene.

I don’t know of any sister that calls her brother Bill. It's Billy or some kind of nickname. Even if they’re not close.

Page 8 I wouldn’t say that place freaks me out. Maybe more like, you know how I feel about that house. Something more evasive.

I don’t think you need the airplane scene at all. Maybe a brief at the airport glance, but everyone knows how it is on a plane. Its not necessary.

Page 15 if the TVs blaring in the other room. We should hear it when they first walk in.

Page 15 just say, Patti mutes the TV.

I don’t believe his father wouldn’t send him at least a birthday card. Maybe in the beginning you could show a pile of unopened mail from his father to show they are distant instead of them telling us what they both already know. It’s not natural.

Just a suggestion the vulgar language adds nothing to it. And would limit you. I’d advise you to cut out the f words and use something more comfortable to Bill. Unless he’s a real low life and I didn’t get that impression.

I just get the feeling that a lot of what’s in this story is just there for no reason. Remember everything must move the story forward and if it doesn’t cut it.

I couldn’t connect with any of the characters they seemed contrived, predictable. The story was disjointed clumsy. I do like most of your writing, but I would try to leave out some of the bathroom humor.

The formatting is not bad a little awkward in places. Pacing is way off. It takes way too long to get to anything remotely good. I’d cut out a lot and start from there. I know it’s a lot of work but you can do. You have a story somewhere in there. Best of luck. read

The beast in me

A review of I Chanced Upon a Faun

by mlwillis on 01/24/2008

There is just something really cool about this story, yet it’s very perverse. It brings out the bestiality in me, and since I don’t have any, any way. Or do I? Maybe it’s more like Beauty and The beast. I liked your story overall. I think the ending was a bit rushed. I’m not sure how long a short story should be, since I primarily write scripts. But I’d add more. I did from... read

WHOA

A review of Dogs Smoking In Paradise

by mlwillis on 01/20/2008

I had to use a lot of extra brain cells to wrap my head around this one. Very interesting Mr. Spock. FADEIN: OVER BLACK: “The important thing is to… You only need one fadein. You can use b.g. for background. I’m noticing a pattern here. You wrote a shooting script. Which is fine if someone hired you to write it. If not you should write in a speculation format: aka a spec... read

Fun story

A review of The Golem of Avenue B

by mlwillis on 11/22/2007

Don’t use SPX, just say. BOMBS EXPLODE. MUSIC POUNDS. The boy CRIES. I don’t think he can cry silently. We hear him or we don’t. Don’t use Angles. You’re not the director. That’s not your job. This is a blueprint of a film. Don’t tell us how to build the wall. Show us. Don’t use starts to, begins to, or tries to. Over all this reads like a first draft. I think this... read

Good stuff

A review of LIGHTING THE MENORAH (Revised)

by mlwillis on 11/21/2007

I am very impressed. You can tell you have worked very hard on this. I normally don't like teenage stories, obviously because I'm older. But you've done a really good job. I didn't really find any errors. Formatting excellent. Story structure excellent. characters good. somewhat typical. It reminds me of a couple of other movies that have already been made. I really don't know... read

LOVE&HATE

A review of Early Times

by mlwillis on 12/31/2006

I was really excited to read this. I really, really liked it at first. There is a lot of good stuff in here. But here are some notes that I hope will help you as you rewrite. Telling the director what to do is a big no, no. P.O.V. is used in a shooting script not a spec script. Never use We see or we hear. A script reads much better without using them. Plus you have talent... read

wowOUCH!

A review of God's Universe

by mlwillis on 12/22/2006

The overall concept is very creative and intelligent. The first thirty or forty pages were very laborious. The long paragraphs and mounds of dialogue made it very hard at times to stay focus on anything. The dialogue was interesting but needed to be shortened. Yet there was enough interest created along the way that I wanted to know the ending. At times it was very easy to... read

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Lazzard on 09/27/2008

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