morgands1

A review of A Final Boundary

by morgands1 on 10/17/2005

I have to say I wanted to like this script more than I did, as there was an intriguing build-up in the introduction of Patrick and the set-up of his situation hiding out in Belgium. You were very effective in detailing his flight and evasion of the Germans and his being led by the family to a safe house, but once there you started running into problems. First, the tension... I have to say I wanted to like this script more than I did, as there was an intriguing build-up in the introduction of Patrick and the set-up of his situation hiding out in Belgium. You were very effective in detailing his flight and evasion of the Germans and his being led by the family to a safe house, but once there you started running into problems.

First, the tension that exists between Felise and Patrick is not made more interesting -- there is not enough realistic conflict between the two, to 1) justify their shared sense of two people trapped by circumstances into a situation neither of them appreciates, and 2) that the tables would turn so that they would be carried off by passion that is then 3) no big deal, even when we learn that Claude is a fink. I think to help this along you need more obstacles between them -- the rationing of their dwindling food supplies is one good thing, but really in an occupation Felise would not be reticent in asking for help if Darjon or others have a ready supply line to food.

Felise's reticence with Patrick can be put down to moral purity -- she's not one to mess around, even if her husband is suspected killed -- but there should be something to make Patrick more off-putting to her and then, natch, more attractive. Her rudeness line to him is good, but I find these elements sparse and they don't carry the weight of this situation: wartime Europe, where those who don't snitch to the Germans are shot or sent off to the camps, where a "mute" suddenly talking can attract the attention of a guard.

I guess there is a little burn-out on my part on WWII stories -- what hasn't been done? -- even though the period has always fascinated me. That's why the interactions between Darjon and the Nazi officer are refreshing.

The other killer on the script is the back-and-forth of the flashbacks. It is terrible to read on the page, and I cannot figure out the value of telling the story in that fashion -- especially since the relationship between Patrick and Felise doesn't seem to count for something that gains insight with the jumps back and forth, considering where they both end up.

I think you could 1) use more of the details, such as ditching his uniform insignias, that emphasize the desperation of his situation, especially when he's cooped up in the safe house; 2) reveal more of Patrick's background (all we get is his aversion to killing people face-to-face) that will explain why we should care that he escapes with his life; and 3) make Felise more intriguing -- her red dress and violin hold more intrigue than she does.

Good luck. read

Back to the drawing board

A review of Followed

by morgands1 on 10/05/2005

I think this will need a lot of work on several levels, not least of which is that many of the dramatic presumptions you make are unwieldy and probably would escape the audience -- i.e., when we see a skeleton how are we to know WHOSE skeleton it is? The opening set-up with the family is OK, although the wife seems unusually blase about her injured husband's disappearance... I think this will need a lot of work on several levels, not least of which is that many of the dramatic presumptions you make are unwieldy and probably would escape the audience -- i.e., when we see a skeleton how are we to know WHOSE skeleton it is?

The opening set-up with the family is OK, although the wife seems unusually blase about her injured husband's disappearance. Jumping to the graduation, you do little to set up the two main characters or their relationship, and certainly not that of Erika and Chad. It is very quick when the four of them decide to ride off to Chicago together especially when there seems to be a lot of jealousy and bad blood between them. I would suggest that you extend this section a bit to a) show us more of Sam and Tatum, why they are such close friends even though the two women are not cut from the same cloth; b) have a more tentative attraction between Tatum and Chad AND Sam and Chad, where Chad's motives are maybe not clear to us, and open to misinterpretation (as would Erika's); and c) give us more of the relationship between brother and sister Erika and Chad. Since the four characters are so plain from the outset we don't much care about them, and their cardboard thin personalities lead to very unbelievable interactions and bursts of functional but unmemorable dialogue.

I think Erika's wish to revisit her parents due to their anger about her coming out should be a way more complicated and conflicted motivation than what you have here. And throughout the road trip there really isn't anything to suggest that Chad and Erika have spent a lifetime together -- they could just be two buddies of differing sexual attractions cooped up in a car. And Sam and Tatum's tantrums toward the end are pretty unbelievable, as is Tatum's gift to her. (how much money do these high school grads have?)

The point I'm trying to make is that you have an unrealistic horror premise, and the only way we can get sucked into it, buy the atmopshere an d feel the suspense, is if we believe and care about the main characters. As it now stands, the myriad effects (flickering lights, black ooze, figures with yellow eyes) don't do much for me. I also do not buy how Erika can somehow put all these clues together to even come close to figuring out what is going on, linking it to screaming kids and the need of some creatures to replace flesh. The more she tries to explain/understand it, the more ridiculous these plot points sound.

And what is the point of the disapperance of clues / memories / associations with people once they've been de-skinned? To what end would these creatures be able to affect others? I like the psychic screaming about what they brought to this town, but are there others in the town who can see the threat? Or have they all been consumed by it?

Good luck. read

Good on the field, but limps on the sidelines

A review of Monsters Of The Midway

by morgands1 on 10/05/2005

I have to say I admire the concept of the illegal bare knuckles football match-ups, particularly with the cops eagerly participating. But while the action scenes are crisp and well written, the characters and their interactions and dialogue off the field are substantially below par. Setting up the Vince/Denver relationship in the beginning got off well but I thought, given... I have to say I admire the concept of the illegal bare knuckles football match-ups, particularly with the cops eagerly participating. But while the action scenes are crisp and well written, the characters and their interactions and dialogue off the field are substantially below par.

Setting up the Vince/Denver relationship in the beginning got off well but I thought, given the reunion later, that you did not push their dynamic enough. There was certainly a lot of father/son commonality in their violence but I didn't see where the push to break that pattern was particularly strong, or that there wasn't even more tension and stress within the father, given Vince's criminal proclivities and the mother's goal to prevent that kind of life for her son. Did Denver get in trouble with the law? Did Vince's parole officer start poking around? (And later we're meant to believe that it was Vince who sacrificed a relationship with his son in order to prevent him from following him down that same path. That seems too noble and self-aware for him.)

The relationship between Denver and Laura also wasn't believable -- why would a psychology student make such awful mistakes in her personal life relating to the psychology of her own relationship, unless you try to make a more overt statement about how she shoots herself in the foot by tying herself to this dork.

I like the re-introducing raw football matchup 10 years later but I think you can have more fun with this, pointing out how things have changed (slightly). For example, in the south side gangster's negotiation to get a cut, they can discuss online betting and how so-and-so's nephew can fashion a secure web site for taking bets. One cop can have a brother-in-law videographer taping the games for a soon-to-be-released DVD, World's Deadliest Sports -- there are a bunch of little asides that can add a glimmer of humor into the blood-and-guts.

The conversatyions between Vince and Denver don't ring very true although I like Vince's refusing to have anything more than coffee at the diner. And his line about fatherly instinct is good. But if Denver really only sees Vince as an employee, a contract player, whom he needs to put on a show, he is bad at making out that Vince means nothing more to him. And yet all the anger he must feel over the last ten years does not really express itself, explain itself, turn itself into understanding. And then at the end, as he blames himself for a death, he gets a (no doubt high interest) loan to open a restaurant. Very weak.

While Vince has some potential as a character, Denver really needs some meat to his battered bones -- there is nothing here to really make me care about him, and simply grafting on a loving woman doesn't do that. So you need to work on the character motivations and dialogue if you want this script to be more than a forgettable actioner.

Good luck. read

Karma Chameleon

A review of KARMA

by morgands1 on 09/15/2005

My attitude towards this script changed as peripatetically as your script's attitude, which was funky, deadpan, and just plain weird. I can appreciate your wanting to have a flighty road movie to nowhere, with flashbacks and blackouts, and the clipped dialogue seems to capture a stoner's recollection of a lost weekend. I think that the key is presentation, since a quick... My attitude towards this script changed as peripatetically as your script's attitude, which was funky, deadpan, and just plain weird. I can appreciate your wanting to have a flighty road movie to nowhere, with flashbacks and blackouts, and the clipped dialogue seems to capture a stoner's recollection of a lost weekend.

I think that the key is presentation, since a quick reading of the script suggests that it could be a blueprint for a mostly improvisational work (like a Christopher Guest "documentary") and that a lot of the material is yet to be filled in, but the blurry recalled memory method seems to be the way to go. It is key that the actors have a lot more going on in their eyes than what is coming out of their mouths.

I think the early flashback/introductions of the characters where they appear at several different ages is a bit confusing and can be trimmed a little.

I do not mind at all that there is no plot per se, that is its charm. But I do think I need a little more to distinguish the three leads from one another -- they all blur together, except that one is a military type (and I couldn't tell you right now which one it was). But I like the fact that so much of what happened was on the periphery -- i.e., they never actually got to see any of the Dead concert. You can stay away from the notion that on a road movie a character must "change" in order for the trip to have been worthwhile; we are watching incident, unplanned events or situations that sort of turn up underfoot and there's nothing you can do about it.

There are some holes here and there -- who is calling repeatedly to ask about Cody? His wife? I'd forgotten all about her. These constant arrests/releases, don't seem to go anywhere, either, just mere side trips, whereas it'd be such a hassle, man!

One suggestion is that you not leave the karma idea until the very end. It should be mentioned someone -- one of their boozy, pot-lubricated musings -- that seems to go nowhere but ends up defining the whole film. And did Cody actually deserve to die (as long as we're speaking Karma-ically)? Also beware of numerous typos.

Good luck! read

Fine drama, very good war story

A review of An Unnatural Soldier (Rev 4)

by morgands1 on 09/06/2005

Congratulations on bringing to light an unusual aspect of the Civil War. I'm not certain that this is actually a true story -- the end titles suggest so -- but your descriptions of the battles at Gettysburg, etc. are played with precision and are evocatively drawn. Since that's the part most likely to fall into cliche and over-familiarity, you got over that hump. Also, the... Congratulations on bringing to light an unusual aspect of the Civil War. I'm not certain that this is actually a true story -- the end titles suggest so -- but your descriptions of the battles at Gettysburg, etc. are played with precision and are evocatively drawn. Since that's the part most likely to fall into cliche and over-familiarity, you got over that hump. Also, the opening sequence where the dead family members are laid out is terrific (I know that sounds awful), and is recalled when Sarah leads her fellow troops in the folk song while marching.

I should also say your dialogue among the troops was for the most part folksy and straightforward, very naturalistic. One point, however: to accommodate Sarah's disguise, it is suggested that she cuss like a man -- and then she never cusses until the very end, when she's back to being a woman! You could have played with this a bit more.

This brings me to the few problem areas, which thankfully are not major and can be (I believe) easily corrected.

First, Sarah's introduction as the surviving female of her family -- and someone who dreads being married off to an old coot -- gives us little to go on, and offers a very thin reason for her to a) run away, and b) go through the hassle of disguising herself as a man. I think some other dramatic development (more than the impending sale of the farm) should push her off onto this course of events. Is it being protective of her brother? Is it a nascent feminism (and from someone who can't read)? Is it a true patriotic fervor? Or is there a very true threat that awaits her if "Sarah" is found? I know running from the law is cliched and overly melodramatic (so don't have her murder one of her paramours), but I think you need something nearly as dramatic as that to send this character on her way in pants and short hair.

The ruse works up to a point, but the tension between her and McArdle seems a lot thicker than what would normally take to boil over. I don't want to see some Harlequin Romance here, but does McArdle (who was raised surrounded by women) really look the other way with her? Also, the chance meeting between Sarah/Luke and male/female rebel spy may not actually be far-fetched but it sure reads it. Their dialogue is hokey and their interaction unbelievable. It would be better if the two of them struggle and Sarah kills "him," only to discover then that he is a she. Sarah doesn't have to reveal this to anyone else, but it can underscore her fear: women soldiers can shed blood, too.

No suggestion of how Sarah interacts with "real" women -- nurses, etc. -- on or behind the front. Is there some jealousy (they get to be feminine)?

The ending at Arlington is bland, too, and the dialogue there is a poor note on which to end. (And we have to wait until the last page for McArdle to lay one on her?) If "Luke" has reverted back to Sarah, she should do so in a less cliched place (rows of graves of her dead brother and comrades). If there must be an Arlington scene, have it reflect somehow her family cemetary

Overall, a quick and enjoyable read. Good luck! read

Several issues with this

A review of The Happy Gathering

by morgands1 on 08/31/2005

I think my comments on this script will probably include some practices that I myself have been guilty of, which I have breezily discounted when pointed out to me by others. But the particulars of this script -- of this genre -- lead me to recite them to you. E.g., V.O. narration by the lead character. I've used it plenty of times, but in this case I think Richard's running... I think my comments on this script will probably include some practices that I myself have been guilty of, which I have breezily discounted when pointed out to me by others. But the particulars of this script -- of this genre -- lead me to recite them to you.

E.g., V.O. narration by the lead character. I've used it plenty of times, but in this case I think Richard's running commentary is either redundant of what we SEE, or gives us too much information. Remember, Richard is someone who plays his emotional cards close to his chest, but the audience never experiences him in that manner, even though every other character does. You also shortcut your ability to draw viewers into the mystery of Richard and his relationship with George, Jimmy, Sarah, etc.

Also, the long extended dialogues of Richard, George, Roger, etc. (believe me, I've been guilty of those!), do read preachy and excessive. In fact, apart from a few instances where a scene offers a twist and a hint of a deeper story (I don't like meeting mothers -- don't we all, kid), the dialogue is unmemorable.

You also submit to the allure of montage sequences that seem hokey (rebuilding the restaurant is FUN!), whereas if Richard had to rebuild his family establishment (even if he HAD planned to torch it himself) he would be more conflicted about it. In fact, if he had resigned himself to committing arson, why wouldn't he have just taken the insurance money and moved on? That moral choice isn't clarified.

The plot involving George and the vets does sort of jump feet-first into your family restaurant setting, so I think you should first develop some more character points and drama between Richard and his brother/staff, so that when George enters the picture we may have more invested in Richard to care about the decision to use his restaurant as site for therapy. As it is now, after quickly deciding no, he then quickly decides yes, and the faux reason (it's what I'd have wanted someone to do for dad) is pat. The only vet-patient developed in depth is Roger; all the others are montage grist, so we don't really get a feel of success in this endeavor, and hence when George takes a position at the restaurant, it all sort of goes away (until Roger conveniently turns up at the end).

We learn at the end why there is so little backstory on George but it is cheapening to give the audience so little and then drop the bomb on the last page. And frankly I don't think Richard would be as accepting as he is, even if he DOES get to draw!

I don't mind the Sarah angle being ignored but pulling Lucy in to meet Richard (and then, what, does she start having eyes for other guys?) and then handling it all as if it was just a fun summer vacation experience for all (another montage perhaps?) is pointless. And Elvis's death really means nothing here except as an excuse to buy performance rights to the Elvis catalog.

This story needs -- and deserves -- further development. Good luck. read

A few problems, some not wee ones

A review of Bill & Ben

by morgands1 on 07/22/2005

I do not think you've raised the script above the rather common, cliched buddy film/two opposites thrown together plot, even though you have some engaging elements, and in spots the dialogue is fun and quite good. One problem is that the audience sympathies at the beginning -- when we are introduced to Bill and Ben -- don't really go towards either of them, so we don't care... I do not think you've raised the script above the rather common, cliched buddy film/two opposites thrown together plot, even though you have some engaging elements, and in spots the dialogue is fun and quite good.

One problem is that the audience sympathies at the beginning -- when we are introduced to Bill and Ben -- don't really go towards either of them, so we don't care when they're thrown together by fate. Ben of course is a typical rich snobby type, but Bill is a coarse vandal. Are we supposed to bond with him because he has weak bowel syndrome and is the victim of a punky graffiti artist?

In Bill's interview it is ridiculous that the lead interviewer would be so nasty, excepting that Bill may have been equally rude during the parts of the interview we weren't shown. That doesn't help us. In any event, the car vandalism isn't funny just because Bill had had it done to his own car first. [And realistically, if you've been in an interview, they have your resume, they know where you live -- you're not going to be so blatantly obvious in your vandalising.] Also, the schtick with the broken car door knob is lame.

It's actually a bit clever that Bill and Ben cross paths at the party, though Christian too is a stretch, but the scene doesn't evolve realistically. [Now I know this is a farce, but the key to a good farce is that the over-the-top elements have to at least SEEM plausible to be funny.] They seem too easy to escape the murder scene, and in terms of Gabriel and his victim, we have no information going in about who they are (or how important they are). And when Bill is caught in a gun battle throwing out tiny molotov cocktails, the idea is neat but it is not at all believable -- it would take too much time for them to conceive of and build the things and then throw them, before the gunmen just run up and blast their heads off.

That said, the story does pick up once Ben and Bill are off together - the dialogue between them (even scenes where Bill does all the talking) are quick and dry. The intrigue with Gabriel and the police should be developed a bit more. It looks like Gabriel is sitting back a bit too far -- he'd want his finger on the pulse more, to control it.

Wilfred and the manor seems ancient, though, in terms of its classism -- this isn't a 1930s comedy, and so it should be developed a bit more, to show us something we haven't seen already. The vandalism of the fox hunt is good, but have Bill interact more with Wilfred and Donald -- and have him enjoy living the life of Ben's friend more -- he can really get into trouble with that, and Ben likewise would somehow have to cover for it, so they would compete and yet have to rely on each other. You're missing that - the only time it comes through is when Ben connives to have Bill sing. The audience doesn't know what to expect so trick them -- have a scene earlier, when they're on the lam or in a car where Bill and Ben compete as singers and Bill loses. Then it'd be funny that Bill brings down the house.

And the two gunmen attacking the house so overtly doesn't work -- they might sneak onto the grounds but they won't make like a terrorist attack, especially with an MP (Gabriel) present. Oh, yes, the policeman's Eureka moment with the license plate is wrong. Even if it's more obvious and a tad clunky, it makes more sense that he would see the license plate of the car as Gabriel leaves the police station. Then you won't be asking the audience to stretch it's disbelief any further than it needs to by "reading" the cop's mind.

Keep at it, and good luck! read

Not Quite a 'Big' Do-Over

A review of DO OVER

by morgands1 on 07/21/2005

I have to admit that at first, when the main character had his "do-over" wish come true, I recognized that I was in the sub-genre of body switch movies like Big, Vice Versa, 13 Going on 30, 18 Again, etc., which has been done to death. I can think of nothing more tired than a retread of a retread. My notes suggest that once Sam becomes an 8 year old, I was going to suggest... I have to admit that at first, when the main character had his "do-over" wish come true, I recognized that I was in the sub-genre of body switch movies like Big, Vice Versa, 13 Going on 30, 18 Again, etc., which has been done to death. I can think of nothing more tired than a retread of a retread. My notes suggest that once Sam becomes an 8 year old, I was going to suggest that you take the characters - Sam, Skippy and Jennifer - and put them into another plot, because they had a good (bad) chemistry, and I was appreciating the sort of shorthand dialogue where the undercurrents of their feelings come out to play.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by your story as it developed, as the reunion of Sarah and the kid Sam was very touching. Sam's resourcefuleness (i.e., extortion via threats of pedophilia) was funny and the "too mature for his age" card wasn't played too heavily.

But I wonder if you should take this a bit further in terms of Sam's maturation. Of course you can't make it too long, but I think you need to add something relevant about the limitations of an 8 year old's body. He won on the court, but he's years from regaining the form and promise he had -- perhaps he should be playing against 18 year olds who tower over him, and he fails, and realizes his limitations. There isn't an urgency on his part to get back to being a growup (or fear that he might never get back to that state other than reliving another 20 years or so, at which point Sarah would be in her 50s).

Jennifer was funny in "recognizing" Sam, but I think she, and Sarah, and Skippy are too quick to trust this "do-over" business seriously, there should be more proof on Sam's part before they buy this outrageous situation. I mean, would YOU buy it?

Which brings me to Grampa Joe. Every one of these kinds of films needs some quasi-supernatural gimmick - an amulet, a potion, a genie, whatever - and here we have the Twilight Zone-ish wizened old dodderer who protests that he has anything to do with it, which is fresh. But you should add something about what Grampa Joe gets out of this switch (and switch back). If you don't he's a convenient shorthand for explaining the impossible. If you give him a reason to do this, and if he acquires something of value from making Sam go through this, then we might understand his motivation better.

High marks on dialogue, and on not getting all sappy. Except the blackout at the end was pretty unnecessary. Good luck. read

Pretty happy endings, indeed

A review of Horatio

by morgands1 on 07/20/2005

I enjoyed the style of this script, which by the end reminded me of Rod Serling's Twilight Zones (the non-scary ones). I can see a director having fun with the design, and how some actors could relish the slightly off-kilter dialogue. I would warn you against a sameness to Horatio's banter, which always seems appropriate but over the course of the story doesn't evolve much,... read

Loses its way

A review of Possession of Death

by morgands1 on 07/07/2005

I was getting into this script for the first third until it started going in a completely unexpected direction, at the introduction of Sirel c. page 30 which had no explanation -- it seemed at first as if the pages of two scripts had been mixed up. And it was very awkward to have this military exchange with Ilya in the beginning and then nothing more about it for an hour and... I was getting into this script for the first third until it started going in a completely unexpected direction, at the introduction of Sirel c. page 30 which had no explanation -- it seemed at first as if the pages of two scripts had been mixed up. And it was very awkward to have this military exchange with Ilya in the beginning and then nothing more about it for an hour and a half. We don't even get that Sirel is germaine to the story and main character until Dylan visits her -- and this exchange is so underplayed, given that it's of two people who obviously have some history with some unspoken issues meeting after several years, that it ends lamely. And the revelation of Eleanor's identity after she'd fallen didn't seem to affect Matthew THAT much.

I thought the initial drawing of the characters - Isobel, Dylan, Eleanor, Matthew - was well done, with sharp dialogue. Once Eleanor dies and the supernatural elements come into play, the rest of the characters don't seem too surprised, and that is the first inkling we get that these are witches and hunters. And that is a problem -- to present a world where this information is taken for granted isn't benefitting the audience, especially when there's archane knowledge required - what salt can do, how long it takes a spirit to possess a new body, etc. When Isobel first feels Eleanor inside her, whether she's a witch or not she'd be majorly freaked out. I guess I am reacting to the mild, somewhat ironic tone that reads like an episode of Charmed or Buffy, but which seems hokey and somewhat bland after your intriguing buildup. What, really, is all the fuss about? There must be easier ways to get rid of mommy's ghost.

Also noted: p. 50 I'm not Amy! The introduction of Amy was completely lost on me (who is she?), and the dialogue exchanges with Isobel possessed by Eleanor were difficult to parse as well, especially when Isobel suddenly starts talking as herself. The X Files remarks should go - pop culture references only distance an audience that isn't familiar with Scully and Mulder. Also, it's skeptic, not sceptic.

Keep at it, and good luck. read

TriggerStreet

Member Participation Level:

Recent Activity

Bio

Submissions by morgands1

Reviews by morgands1 63

Submissions by morgands1

Reviews by morgands1 63

Stay Connected!

Browse: