motpicvideo

You're On the Target, But Not the Bull's-Eye

A review of According To Plan

by motpicvideo on 09/25/2005

I found this to be largely a very nice job on your selected theme. For the most part, I was interested in where it was going and how it would end, as opposed to its cousin "Magnolia" which really started to grate on me and bore me about 2/3 of the way through. A couple of thoughts: First, I didn't feel like it centered on its theme enough. True, we don't want to be beat... read

Very Close!

A review of CORY'S HERO

by motpicvideo on 07/30/2005

I very much liked the idea of this screenplay, and was even more amused by the banter of the kids. Cory has some fabulous lines that made me laugh out loud. Characters are pretty strong, easily identifiable. I think there are a couple of things that are either missing or not played up enough. First, we need a deeper conflict. Right now you have an A-Line conflict where... I very much liked the idea of this screenplay, and was even more amused by the banter of the kids. Cory has some fabulous lines that made me laugh out loud. Characters are pretty strong, easily identifiable.

I think there are a couple of things that are either missing or not played up enough. First, we need a deeper conflict. Right now you have an A-Line conflict where Nick has these dreams and premonitions and doesn't quite know what to do about them since sometimes they are half-right and other times seem totally wrong. A strong script will have a B-Line conflict that is not the center of attention at first, but which is an inherent part of the script.

I think an ideal place for a B-Line conflict would be between Cory and Nick. We have a bare hint of it toward the beginning when Cory says he wants to be a real superhero, UNlike his dad. But in general, Cory is Dad's little sidekick. What if, as Nick's wild imagination brings more and more embarrassment on the family, Cory drifts further away from him, thinks he's weird, and so forth. Then, when things finally work out, Cory is reconciled, happy ending. Just a thought.

Second, there is actually very little of the whole premonition thing. At least, I felt that after reading the synopsis. I expected a lot more "super powers" in Nick due to the electrical storms, some actual mind-reading ability. I see one of two options: Either he needs to acquire some definite powers, even if he doesn't quite know how to use them or corral them for a good purpose yet; or something like "Unbreakable," where the slow discovering of the powers is part of the tension and draw of the story.

Third, Dreamland is too much like Disneyland. I gather you were doing that on purpose, but in the end it plays rather hokey, which is not something you want in this script, I don't believe; it would be out of place. Just invent totally new ride names, or -- since building an amusement park set would be a chunk of the budget -- set it in a real amusement park like Six Flags (any of them will do). It may mean rewriting the bits about the astronaut mannequins or whatnot, but it would relieve the script of a cheesy little side issue.

And on a nit-picky note: John knocks out the controller, good and fine. But your average amusement park personnel would find that out before the ride opened. They are not so careless as to leave the security and inspections booths unmanned. They would get sued big-time and they know it.

I hope this gets a re-write, and I do hope it makes it to production somewhere someday. It has a fun tone that I would enjoy taking my family to. (Oh, except drop the s-word. You only use it once, but I wouldn't want my pre-teen kids hearing it.) read

Cats Usually Toy More With the Mice

A review of PERFECT

by motpicvideo on 07/29/2005

I always get a kind of sick feeling when a script involves child abuse. I'll try to set that aside and look at what you have here, which is something potentially interesting. Some fun little twists and surprises make the script entertaining. But there is a stark simplicity to the project. Woman Picks Up Man, Knocks Him Out, Threatens to Mutilate Him, Gets Shot By Cops... read

Needs Some Excitement

A review of Ribbons of Glory

by motpicvideo on 07/27/2005

I think you have a good start for a screenplay. The foundational ideas -- Melody wants to compete, Dad is working hard, Mom is in Iraq -- are fine, but right now it lacks the zing of a really strong script. Part of the problem is that, in its current form, it will not really appeal to many people. It's too simple and sweet for adults, without a lot of the attention-getting... read

Fun, Fun, Fun!

A review of Chalkdust Torture

by motpicvideo on 07/08/2005

This was one of those screenplays that so instantly gave me images and personalities to work with that if there were glaring flaws, I was conned into missing them completely. This is a good sign. A good movie doesn't have to be perfect, but it does have to be enjoyable. (I think of "National Treasure," a complete mess if you think about the plot, but told in a DARN fun way.)... This was one of those screenplays that so instantly gave me images and personalities to work with that if there were glaring flaws, I was conned into missing them completely. This is a good sign. A good movie doesn't have to be perfect, but it does have to be enjoyable. (I think of "National Treasure," a complete mess if you think about the plot, but told in a DARN fun way.)

It is certainly silly in its own special way. It would be wrong to play it straight-faced; it needs a hyped-up production design just slightly off kilter with reality, like "Spy Kids."

Okay, so I'm already picturing it as a film, when what you want is comments about the script itself.

Um... Well done? It was a fun, fun read, and as I said, easily presents its visuals to my mind.

It does some very stereotypical things: There's one of every type of person -- fat, skinny, nerd, jock, Hispanic, etc. Sometimes this can be a drag, but in this screenplay it didn't bother me. I'd just say be prepared to tone down the politically correct multiculturalism if a lot of people notice how contrived it is.

Little things:

P. 34 -- Why does Layne go through the rigamarole of contacting Stevie through three different phone connections? Seemed like pointless grandstanding.

P. 102 -- A character simply says "M." Is this a typo?

P. 107 -- Don't put things like this in your expository info: "Swamp Thing, I mean Pete..." Call him one or the other.

P. 109 -- Askind's "Friends, Romans, Countrymen..." was a little overboard even for the melodramatic tone you've set up in this script.

I know "art reflects life" and teens swear a lot today without thinking, but if you cut some of it back, what is left will have a bigger impact. Like Askind's outburst near the end -- if everyone else has already used the F-word until we're bored with it, it won't mean as much here. Really find where it is NEEDED, not just where the average teen would say it anyway. Let's face it; you've already created a whole world of very unusual people, so control their language judiciously.

Oh, and you know that guy, Robert Patrick, who played the villainous terminator in Terminator 2? He so totally needs to play Askind! It would be perfect!! (Oops, sorry, planning too far ahead again.) read

Very Intriguing!

A review of OCTOBER

by motpicvideo on 06/25/2005

"October" is unusual in a very intriguing way. I finished it and instantly thought of "Gosford Park," where most of the movie is just about people and their intertwined lives filled with remorse, bitterness, grudges, and some hatred; until a murder suddenly SEEMS to make the story change gears, but the murder ends up not being the point of the movie -- it's still about the... read

Oh Dear.

A review of Dirge: Devil-May-Care

by motpicvideo on 06/19/2005

I'm not quite sure what to make of this. The synopsis calls it "hilarious," but there was very little (if anything) that was humorous or even remotely witty. It is 150 pages of obscenity, gruesome violence, crass sexual reference, and racism. Was it satire? Was it a "genre-aware" lampoon? Granted, the four elements I mentioned CAN be used in a film, provided they are smartly... I'm not quite sure what to make of this. The synopsis calls it "hilarious," but there was very little (if anything) that was humorous or even remotely witty. It is 150 pages of obscenity, gruesome violence, crass sexual reference, and racism. Was it satire? Was it a "genre-aware" lampoon? Granted, the four elements I mentioned CAN be used in a film, provided they are smartly thought out and not just poured onto the page in bucket-loads.

Okay, first: You have several scenes (particularly the film project planning scenes) in which people talk and talk and talk and TALK endlessly with little or no progress to the story. We don't need a dozen pages of "That's a hilarious idea for a sketch!" Keep things moving. Use each scene to tell exactly what you need to tell, and then move on. If we aren't learning anything new, cut the line.

Second: What is all this about?? They get more information, and more of a lasting purpose to the product, into an hour of "Law & Order." In "Dirge" we see two detectives stumble on a massacre, shoot the red herring, and get captured by the Comic Killer. Three events, basically. And the teens -- they write and write and write, get doped up, and end up dead in a warehouse. Trim the pounds of excessive fat in the dialogue, and give us more scenes with greater depth of purpose and story.

Third: Use the sluglines ONLY to tell us "when" and "where." You have long sentences in all capitals that tell what the characters are doing. Start a scene with:

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

And then start describing it below that.

Fourth: Even if you plan to direct, you need to write it in the manner that studio readers expect. Don't specify every little musical moment. And take that huge opening block of scenic description and make sure it is left-aligned, not centered.

Fifth: A famous comedian once said, "I know all the swear words; but I don't use them because they require no talent." When "f***" occurs in the screenplay more often than words like "the" and "a," you're falling back on the weakest and least creative way of expressing yourself that you can. As a challenge, try writing this whole thing without a single obscenity. Even if the results are not your final draft, I guarantee you will have challenged yourself to expand your vocabulary and your writing skills.

I guess if your goal is simply to make a sick, twisted movie, you have it. I hope you'd aspire to something more than that, though. Even Quentin Tarantino's bloodbaths demonstrate some artistic and aesthetic qualities. read

Excellent Work!

A review of The Raft of the Medusa

by motpicvideo on 06/17/2005

I'm impressed! Do you write as a career? I'm always terrible at expostulating on the good things. And almost everything here is a good thing. Strong characters, interesting story -- I particularly liked Eugene Delacroix's wry little tidbits he threw in; almost a comic relief, at welcome moments. This will be another of the historical classic artist epics like "Amadeus"... read

I Liked the Story...

A review of Shooting Blanks (revised)

by motpicvideo on 06/15/2005

"Shooting Blanks" is generally fun. Some wry humor mixed with a crime flick and a family drama. The characters are enjoyable, in large part, although sometimes it got difficult to tell them apart on the printed page. And I would suggest a little character description as each one first appears -- I didn't know Jamal was white until he accidentally meets Vonda in the shower... read

A Fun Read

A review of Three

by motpicvideo on 06/09/2005

I was fearing another "Pulp Fiction," with its supposedly meaningful but otherwise useless overlapping of timelines. But I was pleasantly surprised by something that felt like the "Creepshow" movies of the 80's -- splatter horror stories with a touch of humor, in which the round-about timeline is more like the author winking at us mischievously rather than pretending it adds... read

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