a screenplay
by Mr. Cinema
Genres:
comedy
An insecure teenager & his bad imaginary friend plot to help him get his crush before time runs out
Mr. Cinema
member since 11/19/2009 |
last login 05/23/2013
What can I say? I'm enjoying being a part of the ts community. I enjoying writing, watching and learning from movies....
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Bio
What can I say? I'm enjoying being a part of the ts community. I enjoying writing, watching and learning from movies.
Submissions by Mr. Cinema
Reviews by Mr. Cinema 41
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A review of And They Say Life Sucks (v.6)by Mr. Cinema on 05/01/2013I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want. Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying... I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want.
Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying bitch didn't really fit that of a shy person. Easy fix here would be to just change his name to arrogant boyfriend or something in that ballpark.
Pg. 8 Yeah? How good they look? Great comedic timing with that joke.
Pg. 12 etc in a description? C’mon this is yours, show us how you envision heaven looking.
Pg. 26 Nice getting into the dialogue late and leaving early as screenwriting books teach.
Pg. 28 Hey, what gives? That could be cut and have no impact on the story.
Pg. 31 The complaining ghost thing is hilarious. Also on the Harvey’s tombstone the death date should always be updated to the most current date, so the script doesn’t appear dated.
Pg. 34 Just a suggestion why not have it that Harvey is an architect himself or went to school but dropped out that way he and Georges relationship could development more? That’s just an idea though.
Pg. 59 This must be the first time I've seen ketchup and mustard have sex before. Funny.
Pg. 88 seems like there was too many examples of the difference between heaven and hell. You could remove some examples and still not lose any impact on your script.
Pg. 90 I will say Satan’s dialogue is very good here.
Pg. 98 Awesome ending.
Now, I've finished reading and I must say this was enjoyable but there are a few things I think that hold this back from reaching its true potential.
One of the things I would like to know is why did Harvey and Barbara’s relationship get so bad? I felt like I heard about it but never seen it or understood. Did he cheat or did she? Did she admit to being attracted to another man but didn't act on it? To correct this if you wanted you could add a flashback scene early in the script to help the audience understand better.
I disliked that the characters names changed. I realize they changed when they got to earth but if this was submitted to professional readers they might dismiss it because of that. If it was me, I’d keep them named as rooster and Harvey just for consistency sake.
My biggest gripe would definitely be d-loc and ace. Their plan is a bit murky. I mean why can’t the cathedral be built? How does it affect dloc and ace? Will they be punished by Satan? Why does Satan not want the cathedral built? Villains need stakes too.
Speaking of dloc and ace they could use some more creativity. Why bring them back both as old men. Why not something ridiculously funny like a stripper or a hot nurse or a caveman.
That’s all I have. This was fun, and moved fast from start to finish. I say good luck to you sir and try to not Ballet dance too much. read -
A review of The Art of Dying Daily (Revised)by Mr. Cinema on 04/18/2013What is up my screenwriting pal? I decided to give this another go as I was familiar with it since I previously reviewed the original draft I believe. You’re on my favorites on here, if you don’t believe me check your favorites lol. I seem to remember one of gripes was Ana wasn't a sympathetic protagonist. Let’s see if that changed any. I’ll give you my honest thoughts ideas,... What is up my screenwriting pal? I decided to give this another go as I was familiar with it since I previously reviewed the original draft I believe. You’re on my favorites on here, if you don’t believe me check your favorites lol.
I seem to remember one of gripes was Ana wasn't a sympathetic protagonist. Let’s see if that changed any. I’ll give you my honest thoughts ideas, suggestions that you can use however you like.
Pg. 1 Nice lean action paragraphs. That’s how it’s done, lots of white space.
Pg. 3 Not gonna lie what does makes herself up mean? Her make up?
Pg. 7 I get the feeling you've worked at a bar or know somebody that has because this scene felt organic. Also what does Trent tends bar on auto pilot means? Is that bar slang?
Pg. 7 Just a suggestion but why not have bit more history between Trent and Ana? That way the audience can see the temptation. You could do that by adding more flirty dialogue and some that suggests they have a bit of history.
Pg. 11 I believe you added that Ana shows more resistance this time which makes it a lot more believable and realistic. Good job.
Pg. 17 I’m sure a lot of people, including me can relate to Ben and Ana’s relationship. Kudos to you for exploring this.
Pg. 30 For some reason I found this funny Trent, who looks like he hasn’t seen a razor in weeks,
Pg. 35 Good ole Doug. Love the character kinda reminds me of somebody I meet at a gas station once lol.
Pg. 38 There’s good dialogue on this page especially Rylan’s dialogue. Rylan Is kinda a strange name for a man though.
Pg. 42 You left the period off of this He looks at the damage to Ana’s car window then to Trent
Pg. 45 After a year of being gone I find it odd that Eric shows up out of nowhere, seems like he’d want a divorce sooner. I’d like to see her maybe ignore his calls or something so it wouldn’t be so abrupt.
Pg. 51 Hey, watch your fuckin’ mouth! Love that lol.
Pg. 80 I like this talking to herself thing. You ever considered using it a bit more? Just don’t overkill it though if you ever do consider.
Pg.85 as much as I like the Rhylan characters I’m still trying to figure out what exactly is purpose is in this script. Comedic relief?
One thing I noticed is a lot of description repeats itself like for instance, Trent takes a drag of cigarette. Seems like I seen that a lot and I know the script is about alcoholism but it seems like everybody in the script is an alcoholic. Maybe you could add a character that is straight edge that way you could have some more conflict in the script.
I’m not going to lie I hated the ending. It left too much left to be desired. I mean what happen to Trent? Is he committed to going the aaa meetings? Also what happen with Ana’s kid?
Obviously you've got talent. You created an emotion rollercoaster ride for the audience that a lot of amateur screenplays I’ve read do not have. You have sadness, happiness and comedy all rolled into one helluava fruit roll up.
Good luck and I hope to have you review a future script of mine that’s coming soon. read -
A review of ALBUMOLOGYby Mr. Cinema on 04/03/2013It’s always fun when you complete a screenplay. Based on the synopsis I immediately imagined Bruce Willis playing in this. Now, on to the review. Everything I write will be in real time and you can take my notes however you see fit. Pg. 3 One of the things I always pay attention to is does writer format their script decently? So far I’d say you do but don’t forget to space... It’s always fun when you complete a screenplay. Based on the synopsis I immediately imagined Bruce Willis playing in this. Now, on to the review. Everything I write will be in real time and you can take my notes however you see fit.
Pg. 3 One of the things I always pay attention to is does writer format their script decently? So far I’d say you do but don’t forget to space the hyphens out in the slug lines.
Pg. 4 What car? Where was the car he escaped in?
Pg. 10
NICK
Yes I do.
JANICE
I’ve never got that.
NICK
It’s not weird right?
I think you can improve that dialogue, mainly the part where Nick says yes I do. Why not have him say something like you know me too well which could create a little more subtext and irony since by what I can tell she doesn't know what he does for a living.
Pg. 11 I have no clue what they’re talking about here.
Pg. 22 Nice save the cat moment here. If you’re not familiar with it Google Blake Synder.
Pg. 33 Not feeling the smoov character at all. What are you trying to do make him like Chris Rock?
Pg. 34 The n bomb in a script? No, you can’t do that unless Quentin Tarantino or writing a historical piece that needs accuracy. Also I doubt smoov would be that cool with that in real life or in a script. Lastly, African American people don’t talk like that.
Pg. 38 Lol peta will be looking for you! This was creative and different though, so I commend you for trying something different.
Pg. 40 Jen and Janice names both start with a j. Usually in a scripts that’s a bad idea. An easy fix obviously is to change one of their names so it’s easier for the reader to remember their names.
Pg. 57 I’d recommend getting in the car. I like that line.
Pg. 85 I believe you’re missing a what. The hell happened?
Pg. 88 a paper bag lol.
Okay, so I just finished this reading and I’m gonna leave you with a few suggestions.
The ending could use more Hollywood happiness. I mean you killed the lead character in the script. How many movies kill the lead character? Hollywood loves a happy ending and you didn’t really deliver one. Me, personally I wanted a little more for the ending. What happen to his book? Was it published?
Also for nick to be the lead character he vanishes too much in some of the script. It seems like it was more about Martin than it was about Nick. To fix that I’d just add Nick to the Martin scenes, so at least he’d be present and more active.
Script could use a bit more originality because we have tons of hit man wants out type of movies. That’s why I think you should explore the music thing a little more. Like you could have a man that’s obsessed with 80’s music than have Nick kill that guy as a 80’s song plays. That’s just a half baked idea but I’m sure you can come up with something.
Another twist could be added. Why not have Jen backstab Nick? Nobody would see that coming.
You do have a great sense of characters though and you write slim action lines, so good job with that. Good luck with your future rewrites and thanks for sharing.
P.s I will never think about dolphins the same again lol. read
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Submissions by Mr. Cinema
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a screenplay by Mr. CinemaGenres: comedyAn insecure teenager & his bad imaginary friend plot to help him get his crush before time runs out
Reviews by Mr. Cinema 41
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A review of And They Say Life Sucks (v.6)by Mr. Cinema on 05/01/2013I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want. Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying... I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want.
Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying bitch didn't really fit that of a shy person. Easy fix here would be to just change his name to arrogant boyfriend or something in that ballpark.
Pg. 8 Yeah? How good they look? Great comedic timing with that joke.
Pg. 12 etc in a description? C’mon this is yours, show us how you envision heaven looking.
Pg. 26 Nice getting into the dialogue late and leaving early as screenwriting books teach.
Pg. 28 Hey, what gives? That could be cut and have no impact on the story.
Pg. 31 The complaining ghost thing is hilarious. Also on the Harvey’s tombstone the death date should always be updated to the most current date, so the script doesn’t appear dated.
Pg. 34 Just a suggestion why not have it that Harvey is an architect himself or went to school but dropped out that way he and Georges relationship could development more? That’s just an idea though.
Pg. 59 This must be the first time I've seen ketchup and mustard have sex before. Funny.
Pg. 88 seems like there was too many examples of the difference between heaven and hell. You could remove some examples and still not lose any impact on your script.
Pg. 90 I will say Satan’s dialogue is very good here.
Pg. 98 Awesome ending.
Now, I've finished reading and I must say this was enjoyable but there are a few things I think that hold this back from reaching its true potential.
One of the things I would like to know is why did Harvey and Barbara’s relationship get so bad? I felt like I heard about it but never seen it or understood. Did he cheat or did she? Did she admit to being attracted to another man but didn't act on it? To correct this if you wanted you could add a flashback scene early in the script to help the audience understand better.
I disliked that the characters names changed. I realize they changed when they got to earth but if this was submitted to professional readers they might dismiss it because of that. If it was me, I’d keep them named as rooster and Harvey just for consistency sake.
My biggest gripe would definitely be d-loc and ace. Their plan is a bit murky. I mean why can’t the cathedral be built? How does it affect dloc and ace? Will they be punished by Satan? Why does Satan not want the cathedral built? Villains need stakes too.
Speaking of dloc and ace they could use some more creativity. Why bring them back both as old men. Why not something ridiculously funny like a stripper or a hot nurse or a caveman.
That’s all I have. This was fun, and moved fast from start to finish. I say good luck to you sir and try to not Ballet dance too much. read -
A review of The Art of Dying Daily (Revised)by Mr. Cinema on 04/18/2013What is up my screenwriting pal? I decided to give this another go as I was familiar with it since I previously reviewed the original draft I believe. You’re on my favorites on here, if you don’t believe me check your favorites lol. I seem to remember one of gripes was Ana wasn't a sympathetic protagonist. Let’s see if that changed any. I’ll give you my honest thoughts ideas,... What is up my screenwriting pal? I decided to give this another go as I was familiar with it since I previously reviewed the original draft I believe. You’re on my favorites on here, if you don’t believe me check your favorites lol.
I seem to remember one of gripes was Ana wasn't a sympathetic protagonist. Let’s see if that changed any. I’ll give you my honest thoughts ideas, suggestions that you can use however you like.
Pg. 1 Nice lean action paragraphs. That’s how it’s done, lots of white space.
Pg. 3 Not gonna lie what does makes herself up mean? Her make up?
Pg. 7 I get the feeling you've worked at a bar or know somebody that has because this scene felt organic. Also what does Trent tends bar on auto pilot means? Is that bar slang?
Pg. 7 Just a suggestion but why not have bit more history between Trent and Ana? That way the audience can see the temptation. You could do that by adding more flirty dialogue and some that suggests they have a bit of history.
Pg. 11 I believe you added that Ana shows more resistance this time which makes it a lot more believable and realistic. Good job.
Pg. 17 I’m sure a lot of people, including me can relate to Ben and Ana’s relationship. Kudos to you for exploring this.
Pg. 30 For some reason I found this funny Trent, who looks like he hasn’t seen a razor in weeks,
Pg. 35 Good ole Doug. Love the character kinda reminds me of somebody I meet at a gas station once lol.
Pg. 38 There’s good dialogue on this page especially Rylan’s dialogue. Rylan Is kinda a strange name for a man though.
Pg. 42 You left the period off of this He looks at the damage to Ana’s car window then to Trent
Pg. 45 After a year of being gone I find it odd that Eric shows up out of nowhere, seems like he’d want a divorce sooner. I’d like to see her maybe ignore his calls or something so it wouldn’t be so abrupt.
Pg. 51 Hey, watch your fuckin’ mouth! Love that lol.
Pg. 80 I like this talking to herself thing. You ever considered using it a bit more? Just don’t overkill it though if you ever do consider.
Pg.85 as much as I like the Rhylan characters I’m still trying to figure out what exactly is purpose is in this script. Comedic relief?
One thing I noticed is a lot of description repeats itself like for instance, Trent takes a drag of cigarette. Seems like I seen that a lot and I know the script is about alcoholism but it seems like everybody in the script is an alcoholic. Maybe you could add a character that is straight edge that way you could have some more conflict in the script.
I’m not going to lie I hated the ending. It left too much left to be desired. I mean what happen to Trent? Is he committed to going the aaa meetings? Also what happen with Ana’s kid?
Obviously you've got talent. You created an emotion rollercoaster ride for the audience that a lot of amateur screenplays I’ve read do not have. You have sadness, happiness and comedy all rolled into one helluava fruit roll up.
Good luck and I hope to have you review a future script of mine that’s coming soon. read -
A review of ALBUMOLOGYby Mr. Cinema on 04/03/2013It’s always fun when you complete a screenplay. Based on the synopsis I immediately imagined Bruce Willis playing in this. Now, on to the review. Everything I write will be in real time and you can take my notes however you see fit. Pg. 3 One of the things I always pay attention to is does writer format their script decently? So far I’d say you do but don’t forget to space... It’s always fun when you complete a screenplay. Based on the synopsis I immediately imagined Bruce Willis playing in this. Now, on to the review. Everything I write will be in real time and you can take my notes however you see fit.
Pg. 3 One of the things I always pay attention to is does writer format their script decently? So far I’d say you do but don’t forget to space the hyphens out in the slug lines.
Pg. 4 What car? Where was the car he escaped in?
Pg. 10
NICK
Yes I do.
JANICE
I’ve never got that.
NICK
It’s not weird right?
I think you can improve that dialogue, mainly the part where Nick says yes I do. Why not have him say something like you know me too well which could create a little more subtext and irony since by what I can tell she doesn't know what he does for a living.
Pg. 11 I have no clue what they’re talking about here.
Pg. 22 Nice save the cat moment here. If you’re not familiar with it Google Blake Synder.
Pg. 33 Not feeling the smoov character at all. What are you trying to do make him like Chris Rock?
Pg. 34 The n bomb in a script? No, you can’t do that unless Quentin Tarantino or writing a historical piece that needs accuracy. Also I doubt smoov would be that cool with that in real life or in a script. Lastly, African American people don’t talk like that.
Pg. 38 Lol peta will be looking for you! This was creative and different though, so I commend you for trying something different.
Pg. 40 Jen and Janice names both start with a j. Usually in a scripts that’s a bad idea. An easy fix obviously is to change one of their names so it’s easier for the reader to remember their names.
Pg. 57 I’d recommend getting in the car. I like that line.
Pg. 85 I believe you’re missing a what. The hell happened?
Pg. 88 a paper bag lol.
Okay, so I just finished this reading and I’m gonna leave you with a few suggestions.
The ending could use more Hollywood happiness. I mean you killed the lead character in the script. How many movies kill the lead character? Hollywood loves a happy ending and you didn’t really deliver one. Me, personally I wanted a little more for the ending. What happen to his book? Was it published?
Also for nick to be the lead character he vanishes too much in some of the script. It seems like it was more about Martin than it was about Nick. To fix that I’d just add Nick to the Martin scenes, so at least he’d be present and more active.
Script could use a bit more originality because we have tons of hit man wants out type of movies. That’s why I think you should explore the music thing a little more. Like you could have a man that’s obsessed with 80’s music than have Nick kill that guy as a 80’s song plays. That’s just a half baked idea but I’m sure you can come up with something.
Another twist could be added. Why not have Jen backstab Nick? Nobody would see that coming.
You do have a great sense of characters though and you write slim action lines, so good job with that. Good luck with your future rewrites and thanks for sharing.
P.s I will never think about dolphins the same again lol. read -
A review of Ciphers & Murdersby Mr. Cinema on 03/07/2013First anything to do with history really isn't my thing but lately I’ve been reading new stuff., so I decided to try this. I’ll list suggestions and ideas that you can take however you see fit. Pg. 1 The opening paragraph is filled with visual imagery. I can dig it. Pg. 1 I’m going to assume Imogen is the lead or central character. If so she needs a description and also how... First anything to do with history really isn't my thing but lately I’ve been reading new stuff., so I decided to try this. I’ll list suggestions and ideas that you can take however you see fit.
Pg. 1 The opening paragraph is filled with visual imagery. I can dig it.
Pg. 1 I’m going to assume Imogen is the lead or central character. If so she needs a description and also how is it Obese man gets a better description than Imogen?
Pg. 5 Has she already time traveled? This a bit confusing? Try formatting it better for the reader.
Pg. 7 Dialogue is very authentic and feels right for the time period, even though I’m sure what year we are in. Either way dialogue is definitely from the past.
Pg. 9 EXT. COURTHOUSE This slugline needs a time of day on it. I’ll assume it’s day.
Pg. 15 Just asking do you think Bacon is a good last name?
Okay I just finished reading this and I really like the concept. I just think it could use more refinement which I discuss in the random suggestions down below.
What could do is have Imogen live in modern world but get transported back to the Salem witch trials or some kind period. In that case, Imogen would be like the popular fish out the pond movies we see.
As good as the dialogue is it really hampers the script a little. I mean it’s confusing to hear people talk like that, especially if you haven’t heard or seen anybody talk like that since Shakespeare in high school.
Also when you do time travel you have to take it easy on the reader. We can’t see what you see unless you help us. You wrote this as you’re the only person who knows what’s going on. Make a clear transition between the past and the present. Look up formatting time travel in a screenplay. That way your script will be more reader friendly and radiate clarity.
As for Imogen she really is worthless. I hope that’s not too harsh. Let me explain, to me it seems she’s only there to witness the past and the present. You should try to think of ways to make her appear more active and likeable. That way the audience will respond to her emotionally.
You write sharp awesome action descriptions full of visual imagery and you really know your history. Focus on improving Imogen, formatting and clarity and you could have a real winner on your hands. Thanks for the read and the best of luck to you. read -
A review of Red, White and Goal!!!by Mr. Cinema on 03/06/2013Truthfully, I’m not much of a soccer fan but I’m a fan of comedy, so you had me at comedy. Down below, I’ll list ideas and pure honesty as I read. Do not take my comments as being mean, I am only trying to help. Also take these notes however you see fit. Now let’s get this review started. Pg.1 There’s no need to fade out at the beginning of the script. Also there’s no need... Truthfully, I’m not much of a soccer fan but I’m a fan of comedy, so you had me at comedy. Down below, I’ll list ideas and pure honesty as I read. Do not take my comments as being mean, I am only trying to help. Also take these notes however you see fit. Now let’s get this review started.
Pg.1 There’s no need to fade out at the beginning of the script. Also there’s no need for cut to’s anymore in modern scripts. It’s understood that when you move to another scene you are cutting to that scene.
Pg. 1 Fadein should have been the first thing typed on the first page.
Pg. 2 These quick championship scenes need to be formatted to flashbacks or something to make them clearer. Remember we write for clarity, clarity doesn’t write for us.
Pg. 2 Try breaking longer dialogue up with action. Script will read better.
Pg. 3 In a screenplay it can only be dawn, day or night. Nothing else.
Pg. 3 Your character descriptions are clean and very visual.
Pg. 4 Pretty good dialogue here about Chess pieces.
Pg. 7 Courier should be in Allcaps. Anytime you introduce a character even if they’re a minor character you always ALL CAP their name.
Pg. 9 Who’s Arnold?
Pg. 10 Definitely give you credit for the fast paced first ten pages. Most writers would have messed that up. You've got us recruiting players by page ten!
Pg. 14 Coach Kane and Powers are in a heated debate about the merits of Johnny. Show don’t tell. Just delete this and just have them talk.
Pg. 14 also don’t change characters names. Powers went to coach Powers. Yes I know it’s a minor change but try to keep everything consistent.
Pg. 30 If I wanted to see someone caress that bar, I would've drafted a pole dancer! LOL
Pg. 32 Dialogue isn't formatted right. If Janna’s dialogue continues to another page than you need MORE above the dialogue.
Pg. 34 FADE THRU BLACK? Never seen that in any of twenty plus screen writing books I've read.
Pg. 36 It’s hard to keep up with all these characters? Also you didn't properly introduce Malia
Pg. 44 In a screenplay spell numbers out.
Pg. 63 The bash brothers remind me of those two boys in mighty ducks that caused mayhem
Pg. 86 I promise this reminds me of mighty ducks.
Pg. 91 PRIVATE JOHANSSEN that Dialogue is longest piece of dialogue I've seen in a script. Break it up with action.
Okay after reading this I have to say this isn't bad at all but I do feel you need to correct a few things I've listed below.
Genre
For a sports comedy movie I didn't really laugh or see any attempt at a joke. If it’s not a comedy list it as something else. You've got plenty of places for jokes, you just have to find them. As for the sports part you pass with flying colors. You really know your soccer.
Mechanics
One of the things you do is you don’t write active descriptions. You use words has and words that end in ed. When writing a script I was always told to write in the active present without using the word is. Try it I promise your writing will be better.
Formatting
Also you really need to pick up a screenwriting book or find some articles about formatting scripts because you don’t format your script correctly. To break the rules in screenwriting you must learn the rules first.
Characters
My biggest concern is your main characters.
Janna needs something more than coaching and a relationship. Why does she coach and how did it happen? She needs some back-story like perhaps her husband cheated on her a while ago and she coaches to help her forget. Or some kind of back-story.
I had no problem with the other characters as they worked well in the roles you had for them.
There should also be a little more build up as to why they hire Janna. Are they losing money or their fanbase? If you could incorporate that into the script within the first few pages I think it would makes this better.
You write clean sharp descriptions and like I said earlier you really know your soccer. I learned a few things about soccer as I do not watch soccer. Work on Janna and formatting and you could have something. Thanks for the read and good luck. read -
A review of An Irresistible Forceby Mr. Cinema on 02/07/2013This seemed like it had a bit of a rom-com vibe so I decided to give it a go. I’ll list ideas as I read and will be reading by the actual page number. You can take my notes however you see fit. Pg. 1 A series of shots? That seems more like an editing tool. Pg. 3 UI team? Some of this jargon is bit technical but I understand that’s how they speak in their field. Pg. 7 I’m more... This seemed like it had a bit of a rom-com vibe so I decided to give it a go. I’ll list ideas as I read and will be reading by the actual page number. You can take my notes however you see fit.
Pg. 1 A series of shots? That seems more like an editing tool.
Pg. 3 UI team? Some of this jargon is bit technical but I understand that’s how they speak in their field.
Pg. 7 I’m more of a blue. That’s pretty funny.
Pg. 10 You’ve fired quite a bit of characters at the reader a little too fast.
Pg. 13 Your dialogue isn’t formatted correctly. When dialogue continues to another page MORE appears.
Pg.17 Instead of just romance you could market this as a romantic comedy.
Pg. 33 Maybe Haley is too perky?
Pg. 74 Seems like Haley getting more immature as I read.
Pg. 78 for Patrick to be such a good friend he sure shows up late to the party. He should have been introduced much earlier to help progress Haley and Paul’s relationship
Pg. 83 these intercuts are kind of annoying. Just write this entire scene uses intercuts.
Characters
Paul was very likeable and seemed stuck in the grey area of life like most of us. Haley was fun but at times a bit too perky and almost perfect at times.
As for the rest of characters none of them really stood out except maybe Sonja. I’d try to add some traits to the supporting like maybe have a character that stutters or constantly speaks in slang. Characters need quirks to stand out.
Concept
You didn’t really deliver the promise of the premise. After reading your initial logline I thought Paul and Haley were going to fall in love. Instead I got a younger helps an older man change while working at an office.
I feel a little cheated, Haley and Paul should have gotten together because that’s what happens in romantic movies with the two main characters.
Story
Story could use some more tension and obstacles for Haley and John relationship. Not one person in this script gets into a huge argument.
One of the things you could do is add a no fraternizing policy at their job and then add a villain that’s after Paul’s job and Haley. That would give you an excellent source of conflict. Or maybe you could have where if Paul doesn’t succeed on the project he could get fired. Screenplay needs stakes no matter how big or small they are.
Well, that’s all I got but I really enjoyed this and good luck with your future writings. read -
A review of And They Say Life Sucks (3rd Draft)by Mr. Cinema on 10/04/2012I’m a big fan of comedy so that’s why I decided to give this a go. Down below, I have listed notes and suggestions that you can take however you see fit. I’m not grammar guy so none of this review will focus on that. The idea of this kind of reminded of that movie Ghost and little bit of A Christmas Carol . Pg. 2 Not to be picky but a little of your description is unnecessary... I’m a big fan of comedy so that’s why I decided to give this a go. Down below, I have listed notes and suggestions that you can take however you see fit. I’m not grammar guy so none of this review will focus on that. The idea of this kind of reminded of that movie Ghost and little bit of A Christmas Carol
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Pg. 2 Not to be picky but a little of your description is unnecessary. For instance, The main adornment on the wall is a poster explaining the California minimum wage laws. I don’t see why we need to know that.
Pg. 3 Sexual harassment alert. Funny.
Pg. 7 Nice save the cat moment. If you don’t know what I’m talking about Google it.
Pg. 12 It takes balls to do comedy with god involved lol.
Pg. 18 This scene would work better if Harv didn’t look like such an asshhole. I’d rewrite this scene and make Barbara mean to Harv that way the audience to symphonize better with Harv. Right now he’s just an ugly asshole.
Pg. 22 Flashbacks are becoming a little excessive. But I do see why you’re using them.
Pg.34 Forgot to capitalize Veronica
Pg. 52 Plot is kinda murky. I just now realized who Amber and Shane are. You should have just sent them back to earth with the names you established in the first act. Also it was a bit sloppy how we see Harv and Rooster become Amber and Shane.
Pg.54 What’s this got to do with the plot?
Pg. 67” A little tired” that’s on the nose.
Pg. 74 Second act could really use some more obstacles, plot, conflict and focus.
Pg. 82 Where did all the comedy go?
Pg. 84 And the comedy is back.
Pg. 94 Now this is great. Having your main character decide between his wife’s happiness or own. That’s the stuff good movies are made of.
Pg. 102 Awesome ending.
Let’s talk the stuff I liked. First, I loved heaven comedy wished we could have had more.
Characters were pretty solid and fun. Really liked Harv.
The ending and the decision the harv had to make was really what movies are made of. Good Job.
Improvement
Your second act really drags but only because there is no structure and nothing really interesting happens for a while. If I was you I’d look some info about how to improve a second act.
Something else I wasn’t a fan of was changing their identies when they got back to earth. if you had to change their you should have just left their names. Readers hate name changes.
I didn’t feel Harv’s character was consistent. At first he was an ass and then when he got back to earth he didn’t really act like an ass. If that was the plan then dismiss my comment.
At the end of the day if you correct your second act then I truly believe you would have a good screenplay.
Well that’s all I got but try to have in leaky faucets in sector 4-v lol. Good luck read -
A review of Premature (rewrite)by Mr. Cinema on 07/24/2011Got to say this reminded me of super bad and a few other high school comedies but yours had it’s on flavor. Down below I have listed some ideas, suggestions, and comments that I hope you find useful and that you can take however you like. Pg. 5 Right away your description of Chuck Chase is funny. Pg. 8 Black kid. Doesn’t African American sound better? Pg.10 This scene... Got to say this reminded me of super bad and a few other high school comedies but yours had it’s on flavor.
Down below I have listed some ideas, suggestions, and comments that I hope you find useful and that you can take however you like.
Pg. 5 Right away your description of Chuck Chase is funny.
Pg. 8 Black kid. Doesn’t African American sound better?
Pg.10 This scene is firing too many characters at once and I’m wondering how important some of them are.
Pg.13 Do you need like some fake-medical attention? Very funny.
Pg.20 The way the beer scene was being discussed earlier it was a bit of a letdown. You could have added some tension comedy with the Latino clerk.
Pg. 21 “scampers down the hall” This parenthical would be better served as an action description.
Pg.23 Jamie has some ugly long dialogue blocks. Try breaking it up it would read better and faster.
Pg.29 Love the T-BONE Character.
Pg. 39 Why do you want to show him your dick so bad? Nice and very funny.
Pg.44 Since there is so many girls being described and appearing maybe you should change Jamie’s name. When I think of Jamie I think of woman’s name. Maybe that’s just me though.
Pg.51 Love the fake jacking off thing. Makes me thing of a quick draw battle or something.
Pg. 68 Like the old school party feel here.
Pg. 81 This should page should be the ending to me. You showed growth and would be a great way to finish the script.
Pg. 89 The last scene was awesome. I see why you saved it for the end now.
This thing was a short, snappy read man.
All the characters were fun even though I lost track of a few them at times. I wish I had more but you’ve made me biased lol.
A few things I feel that could have helped you out is a more of a true villain and maybe more of a happy ending instead of a fun ending. It seems all comedies end with a happy ending. Maybe Will could have gotten Andrea or at least some money off his invention?
As for the villain maybe you could have had somebody else trying to pitch Chuck an idea, which would give you some conflict to build comedy around.
Overall I liked this and would recommend it to others on TS. Take care and try not to fake ejaculate on somebody. read -
A review of Cody Dumas: Demon Hustlerby Mr. Cinema on 06/27/2011Well I’d figure return the review like I said I would. At first I thought this was going to be like were Cody already had the powers, not the chosen one story. But hey it was a fun short, slim and quick read. Down below I have suggestions, ideas, and notes that you can take however you want. I hope you find something useful. Pg.1 wouldn’t it be better if you super after... Well I’d figure return the review like I said I would. At first I thought this was going to be like were Cody already had the powers, not the chosen one story. But hey it was a fun short, slim and quick read.
Down below I have suggestions, ideas, and notes that you can take however you want. I hope you find something useful.
Pg.1 wouldn’t it be better if you super after the scene setting. I see what you’re doing but to me if you super before than we have a better and quicker idea where we’re at.
Pg. 1 “Bang!” Careful with all these comic book effects. I’m saying be careful because too many of these will give the script a cartoon feel. If that’s what you’re going for than ignore my comment.
Pg. 1 Instead of the Super I think you need a slug line instead because I have no clue where we are in Chicago. I assume a club or a restaurant , so put that.
Pg.2 You describe Cody as cocky and confident but really you’re saying the same thing twice. I’d try a completely different word. Also we can see somebody being cocky, no big deal a lot of screenwriters cheat.
Pg. 4 Same what’s that mean in a slugline? Day or night is what I see mostly in scripts.
Pg. 6 “You live upstairs” Very funny, made me crack a smile.
pg.8 Day or night on the dark room slug? I’m asking because a production assistant immediately looks at what time of day it is. I’m liking this Alric character so far. Love the name and how mysterious he is.
Pg. 11 Let me give you credit for not showing a cliché moment where he hits on the girls. You went all out and created a fun drinking game.
Pg.17 “your meets” meats not meets. Damn those homophones lol.
Pg.17 Like the chase scene, it reminds me of a scene I wrote.
Pg.21 Story killer alert. Going back to 1888 briefly took me out of the story but once again I see what you’re doing.
Pg.28 I’m sure somebody will complain about some of the expository here but sometimes it’s the only way.
Pg.38 I feel this dialogue is bad. “She has two eyes and a nose, that’s about as normal as she gets.” Maybe it’s just me.
Pg.39 Typo. I don’t see any don’t rape dog billboards anywhere. Lose the second don’t.
Pg.43 Murderers, rapists, children of all ages. It’s time! That made me laugh.
Pg.51 Typo Looks like I’m sat here. I think you meant safe right?
Pg. 60 Alric=Bad ass!
Pg.61 INT./ EXT. CAR - MOVING – CONTINUOUS. I was always taught if you’re moving than it’s understood to be continuous, so I don’t see the point for both.
Pg. 67 Shouldn’t Sarina be more upset that her husband died
Pg.70 I have a train to catch. That’s cliché. How many times have you heard that in a movie or a tv show.
Pg.71 The Porsche is kind of random and I really don’t see the point of it. I guess that’s just me though.
Pg.74 Love the uncharted shout out. Can’t wait for the 3rd one lol.
Pg.80 If alric rips his head off this script may be r rated.
Dialogue: I felt the dialogue in this script was like living and dying by the sword. At times the dialogue was effective than at times it was kind of bad. Like for instance Sarina on the last page Good job the world has us then. Very wooden and plain.
Urgency: Some sense of urgency could really helped you out. Okay in the hangover they had to find Doug before his wedding. So there was some kind of urgency to the script. Maybe Cody could have a week or five days to stop Alric.
Emotional attachment: I strongly believe in characters first because you could have a crappy plot but if the characters were good than nobody would notice.
I did care if Cody saved the world, so great job with Cody. Now my biggest problem was why wasn’t there a morning period for Gabe and Marson? None of their deaths had any impact on the story.
Here’s another random though for some reason I kept imagining Gabe as Morgan Freeman. I liked the Gabe character but you so could had more conflict with him and Cody. Also I felt he should have been the character that had all the answers. I believe he asked Sabrina or Marson what to do earlier.
Lastly, as a plot surprise you could have had Gabe align himself with Alric because he refuses to save the world with an idiot like Cody.
Overall I liked what you did here and enjoyed your work. Take care Dumbass I mean Dumas lol. read -
A review of THE FOURTH WHEELby Mr. Cinema on 05/06/2011THE FOURTH WHEEL Review Okay after reading I’ve come to the assumption that you and your partner know what you’re doing. You nailed this comedy thing. You avoided all the crass, gross out humor and went with the Office approach or the character that has no clue he’s funny. The characters each had their own voice and Colin was a likeable protagonist which is very important... THE FOURTH WHEEL Review
Okay after reading I’ve come to the assumption that you and your partner know what you’re doing. You nailed this comedy thing. You avoided all the crass, gross out humor and went with the Office approach or the character that has no clue he’s funny.
The characters each had their own voice and Colin was a likeable protagonist which is very important for a comedy. Joey was fun too. Philip was a good rich type snob who will screw somebody for what he wants.
I like how Deana and Gayle aren’t super pretty girls there average looking women which brings something different to the table.
Well I guess here comes the part you’re really interested the part where I rip your script to pieces. Well I’m not that type and really I don’t see much wrong so only I can give a few suggestions that I hope help.
I thought the first half of the script was so much funnier than the second half. Perhaps you could add a few more jokes in the second half.
Pg. 3 Like the description for Joey I can mentally see what he looks like.
Pg. 6 “Whoa, no fighting until at least the second date” Funny, I like that.
Pg. 8 Spell out 250.00 Two hundred fifty dollars. I have no clue why in scripts you have to spell numbers but that’s what I’ve read and been told.
Pg. 8 cont I get what you’re doing by not having Paul pay his bill but honestly I thought it would have made Colin look cool.
Pg. 10 I hate the cliche route you took. How many films have you seen where somebody is behind on rent?
Pg.17 This Willy running gag is pretty funny.
Pg. 22 I was hoping for something bit more dramatic or funny that started the inciting incident but you do have it on the right page. I don’t know maybe woo body slams his ass through a table or something!
Pg. 37 The sauna incident is a nice way to complicate the story for Colin and the audience.
Pg. 49 Really not feeling the whole chicken thing. Is that a joke or just something in there?
Pg. 50 The whole golf scene felt long and a little unnecessary
Pg. 65 Perhaps this could have opened the movie that way we (audience) would have a better understanding of Colin. Just a suggestion.
Pg. 71 Nice plant and payoff with the Mary Jane.
Pg. 104 Another nice payoff with the 911 thing.
Thanks for the read “my man” and take care.
read
Comments About Mr. Cinema 32
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joshmatt on 05/02/2013
Thanks very much for your review of 'Life Sucks'! -
TheLastGlance on 04/19/2013
What's up, man?!
Thanks a bunch for taking a look at my new draft. Lots of good suggestions that I can think about for the rewrite!
Sorry you didn't dig the ending. I wanted to keep it open ended/hopeful instead of all out happy ending. Like, "maybe they'll get better and maybe they won't but at least they're gonna try" kind of thing, ya know? Maybe I need to work on it a bit!
I look forward to reading your work! I hope you put up either a rewrite of "My Bad Imaginary Friend" or another comedy script cause' you're funny as hell!
Thanks again! -
emd on 03/08/2013
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work "Ciphers & Murder."
It is very much appreciated.
The best of luck with your work.
Elaine -
ajstewart64 on 01/30/2013
Comment deleted by Mr. Cinema -
ajstewart64 on 01/28/2013
Thanks for giving The Torch a read. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Your feedback definitely gives me something to work on.
I think you mention at one point you thought Whitney took the serum. She was born with her abilities. Her turn to villainy is more inherent to who her mother was, not by her ability. In lamens terms: "She's just like her mother." I hope that clears things up.
Where did you hear that you always need a time of day in the slug line? I've always been instructed not to unless it is essential to the story.
Thanks again for your notes! I will incorporate them as I revise. -
TheLastGlance on 01/26/2013
Hey, thanks for the great review! You bring up a lot of good points, especially about having Eric be the one cheating. That's an interesting idea that I never thought about. Ha ha, and yeah, I remember your script very vividly. To this day, it is still the funniest damn story I have read here on TSL. Good luck with it and thanks again!
Brittany -
TheLastGlance on 10/14/2012
No problem at all. It was the most fun I've had reading scripts on TS and I hope to see more of your work in the future. -
ischneid87 on 09/26/2012
Wow, thank you for the awesome review of The Golden Boy. I will admit my biggest challenge in this script was Ryan's transition into the robberies.
I guess my idea behind the ending was that because Ryan didn't ever kill anyone, his death would still be considered a tragedy and not retribution. I guess I should try emphasizing Ryan's relationship with the public a little bit more. Thanks for the awesome help, I think I'll have a great re-write.
Hope to read your work in the future.
Cheers,
Ian -
Jnasty1979 on 03/28/2012
Appreciate the comments on Grounded. Funny is the most important thing, so I'm glad I won in that regard. Your other suggestions will definitely be taken into account also. Thanks again. -
Paul Clarke on 02/11/2012
Mr. Cinema wrote:Hey, thanks for your review of Hero Within. I agree with most of what you say but except for the title. I am open to other names for the script though. What would you name it?
You know I racked my brain long and hard when I made that comment but no new title came to mind. It could just be something that pops up one day for you.
The current title is good, it spells out the theme nicely. I just feel it's such an individual and unique world you create is seems a waste to have a generic sounding title. If I was to read a list of scripts I've read in a few weeks I would have trouble remembering yours from the title alone. Whereas, if I was reminded of some of the gadgets and heroes I would remember it instantly.
Anyway, if something comes to mind I'll let you know.
Paul.
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Comments About Mr. Cinema 32
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Thanks very much for your review of 'Life Sucks'!
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What's up, man?!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work "Ciphers & Murder."
+ more commentsjoshmatt on 05/02/2013
TheLastGlance on 04/19/2013
Thanks a bunch for taking a look at my new draft. Lots of good suggestions that I can think about for the rewrite!
Sorry you didn't dig the ending. I wanted to keep it open ended/hopeful instead of all out happy ending. Like, "maybe they'll get better and maybe they won't but at least they're gonna try" kind of thing, ya know? Maybe I need to work on it a bit!
I look forward to reading your work! I hope you put up either a rewrite of "My Bad Imaginary Friend" or another comedy script cause' you're funny as hell!
Thanks again!
emd on 03/08/2013
It is very much appreciated.
The best of luck with your work.
Elaine