a screenplay
by MSchmidt13
Western meets Horror for all ages. Beat that!
Bio
I'm trying.
Submissions by MSchmidt13
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a short story by MSchmidt13Genres: horrorJerry is a serial killer and his neighbors are starting to piss him off.
Reviews by MSchmidt13 92
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A review of Monster Mash - OLD SOM Nomby MSchmidt13 on 01/03/2011Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie… 2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud. 7 - I think that last scene works better this time around. 8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt. 15 - Love that scene. 16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with... Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie…
2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud.
7 - I think that last scene works better this time around.
8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt.
15 - Love that scene.
16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with a bunch of idiot kids. The idiot kids should probably get wise soon but, eh. I’ll wait.
20 - “Smoke plumes out of every bandage on his body…” is a very nice visual description.
Not the dreaded Facebook humor. I know there must be a way to be topical yet timeless. I’m not sure how to get there but some moral compass inside of me says that I have to refrain from mentioning the awful beast by it’s proper name.
“Monster Mash” as social satire? Could it be? Eh. Not so fast…
21 - And I may have made the criticism before, not sure, but no one wants to vicariously risk their neck for some broad that wants to go on breaks over dumb shit. Try to get some sort of actual human problem in there somewhere. An extended trip abroad like in a movie such as “Say Anything” (or something similar) could work really well. “Mallrats“ is really good too. Not like actually movie wise. I just love that fucking flick. I dunno. Give us a couple of different relationship problems even if you have rudimentary solutions by the end of the flick.
24 - You gotta go with Miley Cyrus nowadays. Sign of the times, amigo.
In other news, I feel old.
25 - “Sounds like?” - Nice.
32 - There is more going on than I remember. I really like how much awesome imagery and trailer moments that you have squeezed out of the concept this time around.
33 - Totally psyched that the mummy has switched sides. He’s like a reanimated Harpo Marx. Not quite as good but still quite a comparison.
43 - If only Zuul from “Ghostbusters” could be defeated by Google.
46 - Funny juxtaposition to counter all of the glaring exposition.
47 - I was already sure that you’ve heard that Will doesn’t really scream “leading man” but stuff like this, scenes where he has to take the leadership role on his shoulders and go it alone, will really make him stand out. I think you need that even in an ensemble piece. Even if it’s something small. A handful of moments can go a long way.
52 - “…probably your vagina.” Haha.
54 - No words! Just Will springing into action and single-handedly saving Chuck.
75 - I’m expecting a “Hamlet” riff anytime now…
77 - If you bust into in a Wal-Mart style store then every aisle could present a different theme. Maybe you could use that. Lily and Dom in the butcher’s section. Will in the Home & Garden section. Chuck and Chubby in the toy aisles or juvenile clothing.
You could also probably cut a few pages from these sequences if you want to get leaner.
82 - Chubby did that pantomime already.
85 - Set-up the unicorn early on and these scenes will kill.
88 - ehhh
94 - “What?” indeed.
95 - Great dueling one-liners.
100 - uhhh
101 - Death or undead sexual slavery? What’s worse?
102 - Not sure why you would do this. You know you already run the risk of comparison. “Shaun of the Dead” wants its gag back.
…
How does it all add up?
I can only see one real flaw. The male and female leads are fucking duds. The chicks probably need a nice boost. Sandra doesn’t really matter much. Lily is actually pretty decent. I know I said before that Lily and Dom don’t bond enough to be bang buddies. It’s still true here. You just moved that one scene to act as an icebreaker. And then the funny tit scene to resolve their romantic subplot…
My buddy made me watch “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” the other night while we were all getting plastered and it didn’t take long for my drunk ass to get into it. What a great movie, right? One reason is all the goddamn zany, endearing characters. Remember all those weasels? You’ve got yourself a squad of goons that would match up well against any others.
You could try to retain some uncertainty as to whether or not Chubby will betray the Mystery Machine, Scooby-snack gang of protags.
Dialogue is sometimes totally on the nose but whatever. It’s a comedy. People actually say stuff that’s on the nose in real life all the time. You have a good chunk of really funny lines and exchanges.
I remember one complaint vividly. Don’t kill a lead character’s mother. Now you’re killing lead characters too. It seems like Dom’s Mom getting stabbed up is placed much earlier in the movie this time and you didn’t spend any time with her before she appears as a woof woman. I suppose that’s a good move. You manage to sort of side step that one with the whole silver thing. These factors have certainly made it an easier plot point to swallow. And speaking of swallowing, I don’t think the amount of death and gore really changes the tone of the story at any point. It remains consistently raunchy and consistently horrific, which is fine as long as it’s constant.
You’ve retained your little, campy homages which I empathize with. Just assume no one will get it and keep it all within context. Also assume that this will get an “X” rating. You’re the next “Midnight Cowboy” with all this cock slapping.
You have certainly improved this script in most areas. You action sequences are tight and feature multiple angles on varying conflicts at times, the bus scene in particular was thrilling. You have found your mania and reigned it in steadily.
Hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Bad Manners - Monster Mash
The Byrds - My Back Pages
Misfits - Hybrid Moments
Koffin Kats - Darker Place
LMFAO - Shots
Misfits - Monster Mash
Social Distortion - Indulgence
Tchaikovsky’s, 1812 Overture Finale
David Bowie - Lady Stardust
Bobby “Boris” Pickett - Monster Mash
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A review of 5,4,3,2,1-GO! (Orgasm Mix)by MSchmidt13 on 11/16/2010Aloha! First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation... Aloha!
First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation points ‘cause you need more of those wherever possible. You should also probably just replace all of the other letters, commas and dashes with exclamation points too.
Oh, wait. This is a script?
Here’s the, uh, notes, I guess.
4 - That’s it. You’ve just lost all of my faith in these characters. I want to see the good in Charity! Her name is Charity! She must have a heart of gold!
6 - “like” they’re going to puke. What does that even mean? I just can’t buy into the authenticity of these characters and I’ve given you almost six whole pages to tell me everything I’ll ever need to know about them and you haven’t done it. Yawn!
15 - Shouldn’t the girls get in the kids’ faces with sexual propositions so the kids can pussy out like pansies?
“…and the girls…do something inconsequential while looking hot or something.”
By God, I think you two have finally figured out how to break into Hollywood!
16 - “Casing’s intact.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow the fuck down, scientists. You’ve lost me.
21 - A normal human being would have started shooting ten pages ago! Geez!
27 - Serious screenwriters don’t miss question marks. Inexcusable.
28 - Please tell me that this is modeled after “the hero’s journey”.
35 - I hate flashbacks.
41 - Brutal scene no matter what kind of flick. You two must watch a lot of “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”.
43 - “Faith, light bulb goes off.” doesn’t make the desired impression on me.
49 - Who’s Andy? Oh, right! The dude. Nevermind…
63 - Alligators with top hats? Awesome.
72 - Nothing more creative up your sleeve? I’d think you two could come up at least twenty hilarious strip club names and/or themes. Sounds like a fun drinking game.
103 - …
What? Oh, movie’s done. Fair enough.
Once Mikey was reduced to muttering “Kill! Kill! Kill!” I realized that while this is all fun and good, you could have made a much funnier and smarter movie while retaining all of the self-awareness of the porn/exploitation genre that made this enjoyable.
And, you know, I’m friends with a lesbian and she insists that lesbians do not scissor and I just call bullshit on that. That's like saying no two lesbians in the world have ever scissored each other, right? It's just fucking preposterous.
Anyways…
…
How does it all add up?
Great porno movie...or...the greatest porno movie ever? It would certainly be the most expensive.
Characters? There were characters? I didn’t really bother paying attention to which one of the girls was talking. Hope is the dumb broad who thinks she knows so much, right? Annoying. I hate bitches like that. But they were all hot so it was cool. I’d probably bang them as long as they just moaned and screamed and didn’t actually form words ‘n shit. Unless those words were dirty. Stud was okay but he wasn’t extreme enough. It would have been better if you had just cast me in the movie. I would have fucked twice as many chicks and blew up like a thousand times more stuff.
I literally cannot imagine a single thespian that wouldn’t leap at the chance to stretch their acting boundaries within these roles.
You’ve got roles for Hulk Hogan, Sasha Grey, the restless ghost of Jackie Gleason, Kelly Ripa, that lady from “Murphy Brown”...
How could this movie not get made? I do think you’re missing Julie Strain but, shit, kids today, ya know? What the fuck?
Did you count the number of “fuck”s? Can I get a grand total please? Or just fucks in dialogue. Those are the ones that really fucking count.
I feel like my grandparents got together and wrote a snuff film.
When I inevitably teach amateur screenwriting at the community college I will use your script as a teaching tool and hand it down to tomorrow’s youths and bored elderly.
The best part? I jerked it like seven times before the third act. The worst part? I felt like there was something more important that I could have been doing.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Good fucking luck and fucking cheers, you fucking fucks!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Van Halen - Unchained
Ween - Piss Up a Rope
Rehab - Sittin’ At a Bar
Maria Muldaur - Midnight at the Oasis
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Warrant - Cherry Pie
Bob Seger - Famous Final Scene
Van Halen - House of Pain read -
A review of The F Lineby MSchmidt13 on 11/12/2010Aloha! As much as I would like this to be a full comedy I was fully aware that it was probably going to be more of a serious adventure story. The disparity between the raunchiness of the highs and the bleakness of the lows was, however, not something that I was expecting. This is a great concept for a comedy. Two stoners mixed up in a murder plot trying to get out by the time... Aloha!
As much as I would like this to be a full comedy I was fully aware that it was probably going to be more of a serious adventure story. The disparity between the raunchiness of the highs and the bleakness of the lows was, however, not something that I was expecting. This is a great concept for a comedy. Two stoners mixed up in a murder plot trying to get out by the time their trip kicks in would have been perfect for a late seventies Cheech & Chong flick. Hell, I’d write it.
Anywho, comedy or no, the concept sounds pretty cool which is why I wanted to read this. I’ll start this review with some notes that I took as I read.
7 - Funny so far. “I find that strangely appealing.” Good stuff.
18 - It’d be nice to have actual neighborhoods and street names but it’s not a big deal.
26 - Too far into the script to get here but I was glad we were getting to the real story now.
29 - Shouldn’t they eat the shrooms before the murder? Even I wouldn’t eat a bunch of super-shrooms after that shit. And I’m really dumb!
41 - Still just a straight up raunchy comedy. It’s half of the movie. If you're gonna go dark you gotta start sooner.
47 - So, uh, why are they doing this subplot? Maybe you need to hammer down exactly what these guys are carrying in the way of motivation. You’d think Atticus wouldn’t want to take drugs after a murder. You’d think these guys would want to contact police or get off of the street and hide but instead they get led into an apartment and then agree to go sell a bunch of coke just as their buzzes are kicking in. I’m just not sure why they decide to do what they do when they do it so far.
It turns out one of them is just really stoned and is imagining all of this anyway. Oh… I can’t get into that from a critical standpoint let alone if I had just watched this myself.
55 - Predictable turn in such an overall insane script but it is structurally sound. Stakes get raised here.
56 - Vial.
71 - Add some color to this stuff. He’s in a crazy dream high. What’s the world around him look like?
I’d love to see stuff like a living 3rd rail that shoots sparks floating into the air or graffiti morphing and coming to life around him. Insect wings are good. I’d just suggest more compelling visuals for the screen.
77 - Describe his eyes? Etc, etc, etc.
83 - Describe the souls and their departures?
86 - Mixed up action lines here?
91 - These flashbacks are going to be disorienting on-screen.
99 - Or you could go to the Bahamas like you said. That might more sense. You did make kind of a big deal around that living poster with Alice on it and the three girls. All that shit was just for that one superfluous scene?
...
So, how does it all add up?
Let’s start with the first half -
"Fantasy" Atticus and Francis, while being reasonably different in terms of character, sound a lot alike most of the time. Atticus is your average smart-ass sex hound that you see in just about every raunchy comedy. It works okay but he needs something else if he’s gonna stick out. That goes for our straight man Francis too.
I like the singing girls and Alice. It's just fun and slightly charming.
There’s no real tension and you could have plenty of it if that’s something you want to do.
You’re probably missing plenty of opportunities to make this thing a true visual feast. They’re hallucinating, after all. Watch some old ass cartoons - you know, the ones where all the animators were addicted to ether - and get inspired.
And then there’s the second half -
You might benefit from a little more comedy in the second half. Or tone most of it down in the first half. The first half is a screwball buddy comedy and the second half is a dark hallucination followed by a depressing supposed sobriety. I’d like to see the second half lighten way the fuck up or see the first half, well, just like not exist I guess.
So, what I mean is that you David Lynch-ed me by shoving two movies with completely different tones together and blending them into a single story that appears to be a delusion but is dispelled after a tripped out journey and the audience sees the “truth” with their own eyes. It is a harsh truth and one that is far too cruel and tonally different for our audience, who should be invested in the characters from the delusion that didn’t really even exist, to truly get on board with.
It’s a nice job of blurring the lines between reality and fantasy that could be made better with additional clarity. I’m not really sure what the chain of events truly was. Right now I feel like it’s all too muddled. I don't mind a fake reality, I just wonder why it was so important for me to experience the delusion. What does the delusion have to do with the reality? I know you may have wanted a level of confusion but it isn’t that satisfying in the end because it opens up too many questions. Who was the dude in the beginning and why’d he see the woman in the white dress? What caused the massive delusions? What was the point of spending half of the movie in a pleasant fantasy world that didn’t exist but was totally normal and mundane in most respects just to switch over to a second, whackier and visually trippy fantasy world that grows darker and darker, finally winding up in a barrage of flashbacks that may or may not be real themselves?
It’s just too schizophrenic for my tastes. But it’s not bad and it is a well done script that I enjoyed experiencing. You get no below average marks from me in any way. I just couldn’t truly dig it on the same level that I am sure others will.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way. Hit me back if you wish.
Good luck and cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
The Yard birds - Lost Woman
The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
The Buzzcocks - Moving Away From the Pulsebeat
The Police - Secret Journey
White Town - Your Woman
Crystal Castles - Tell Me What To Swallow
Kings of Leon - The End read
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Submissions by MSchmidt13
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a screenplay by MSchmidt13
Western meets Horror for all ages. Beat that!
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a short story by MSchmidt13Genres: horror
Jerry is a serial killer and his neighbors are starting to piss him off.
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a screenplay by MSchmidt13Death is not the end.
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a screenplay by MSchmidt13Past shock for the 21st century digital boy!
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Reviews by MSchmidt13 92
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A review of Monster Mash - OLD SOM Nomby MSchmidt13 on 01/03/2011Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie… 2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud. 7 - I think that last scene works better this time around. 8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt. 15 - Love that scene. 16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with... Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie…
2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud.
7 - I think that last scene works better this time around.
8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt.
15 - Love that scene.
16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with a bunch of idiot kids. The idiot kids should probably get wise soon but, eh. I’ll wait.
20 - “Smoke plumes out of every bandage on his body…” is a very nice visual description.
Not the dreaded Facebook humor. I know there must be a way to be topical yet timeless. I’m not sure how to get there but some moral compass inside of me says that I have to refrain from mentioning the awful beast by it’s proper name.
“Monster Mash” as social satire? Could it be? Eh. Not so fast…
21 - And I may have made the criticism before, not sure, but no one wants to vicariously risk their neck for some broad that wants to go on breaks over dumb shit. Try to get some sort of actual human problem in there somewhere. An extended trip abroad like in a movie such as “Say Anything” (or something similar) could work really well. “Mallrats“ is really good too. Not like actually movie wise. I just love that fucking flick. I dunno. Give us a couple of different relationship problems even if you have rudimentary solutions by the end of the flick.
24 - You gotta go with Miley Cyrus nowadays. Sign of the times, amigo.
In other news, I feel old.
25 - “Sounds like?” - Nice.
32 - There is more going on than I remember. I really like how much awesome imagery and trailer moments that you have squeezed out of the concept this time around.
33 - Totally psyched that the mummy has switched sides. He’s like a reanimated Harpo Marx. Not quite as good but still quite a comparison.
43 - If only Zuul from “Ghostbusters” could be defeated by Google.
46 - Funny juxtaposition to counter all of the glaring exposition.
47 - I was already sure that you’ve heard that Will doesn’t really scream “leading man” but stuff like this, scenes where he has to take the leadership role on his shoulders and go it alone, will really make him stand out. I think you need that even in an ensemble piece. Even if it’s something small. A handful of moments can go a long way.
52 - “…probably your vagina.” Haha.
54 - No words! Just Will springing into action and single-handedly saving Chuck.
75 - I’m expecting a “Hamlet” riff anytime now…
77 - If you bust into in a Wal-Mart style store then every aisle could present a different theme. Maybe you could use that. Lily and Dom in the butcher’s section. Will in the Home & Garden section. Chuck and Chubby in the toy aisles or juvenile clothing.
You could also probably cut a few pages from these sequences if you want to get leaner.
82 - Chubby did that pantomime already.
85 - Set-up the unicorn early on and these scenes will kill.
88 - ehhh
94 - “What?” indeed.
95 - Great dueling one-liners.
100 - uhhh
101 - Death or undead sexual slavery? What’s worse?
102 - Not sure why you would do this. You know you already run the risk of comparison. “Shaun of the Dead” wants its gag back.
…
How does it all add up?
I can only see one real flaw. The male and female leads are fucking duds. The chicks probably need a nice boost. Sandra doesn’t really matter much. Lily is actually pretty decent. I know I said before that Lily and Dom don’t bond enough to be bang buddies. It’s still true here. You just moved that one scene to act as an icebreaker. And then the funny tit scene to resolve their romantic subplot…
My buddy made me watch “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” the other night while we were all getting plastered and it didn’t take long for my drunk ass to get into it. What a great movie, right? One reason is all the goddamn zany, endearing characters. Remember all those weasels? You’ve got yourself a squad of goons that would match up well against any others.
You could try to retain some uncertainty as to whether or not Chubby will betray the Mystery Machine, Scooby-snack gang of protags.
Dialogue is sometimes totally on the nose but whatever. It’s a comedy. People actually say stuff that’s on the nose in real life all the time. You have a good chunk of really funny lines and exchanges.
I remember one complaint vividly. Don’t kill a lead character’s mother. Now you’re killing lead characters too. It seems like Dom’s Mom getting stabbed up is placed much earlier in the movie this time and you didn’t spend any time with her before she appears as a woof woman. I suppose that’s a good move. You manage to sort of side step that one with the whole silver thing. These factors have certainly made it an easier plot point to swallow. And speaking of swallowing, I don’t think the amount of death and gore really changes the tone of the story at any point. It remains consistently raunchy and consistently horrific, which is fine as long as it’s constant.
You’ve retained your little, campy homages which I empathize with. Just assume no one will get it and keep it all within context. Also assume that this will get an “X” rating. You’re the next “Midnight Cowboy” with all this cock slapping.
You have certainly improved this script in most areas. You action sequences are tight and feature multiple angles on varying conflicts at times, the bus scene in particular was thrilling. You have found your mania and reigned it in steadily.
Hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Bad Manners - Monster Mash
The Byrds - My Back Pages
Misfits - Hybrid Moments
Koffin Kats - Darker Place
LMFAO - Shots
Misfits - Monster Mash
Social Distortion - Indulgence
Tchaikovsky’s, 1812 Overture Finale
David Bowie - Lady Stardust
Bobby “Boris” Pickett - Monster Mash
read -
A review of 5,4,3,2,1-GO! (Orgasm Mix)by MSchmidt13 on 11/16/2010Aloha! First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation... Aloha!
First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation points ‘cause you need more of those wherever possible. You should also probably just replace all of the other letters, commas and dashes with exclamation points too.
Oh, wait. This is a script?
Here’s the, uh, notes, I guess.
4 - That’s it. You’ve just lost all of my faith in these characters. I want to see the good in Charity! Her name is Charity! She must have a heart of gold!
6 - “like” they’re going to puke. What does that even mean? I just can’t buy into the authenticity of these characters and I’ve given you almost six whole pages to tell me everything I’ll ever need to know about them and you haven’t done it. Yawn!
15 - Shouldn’t the girls get in the kids’ faces with sexual propositions so the kids can pussy out like pansies?
“…and the girls…do something inconsequential while looking hot or something.”
By God, I think you two have finally figured out how to break into Hollywood!
16 - “Casing’s intact.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow the fuck down, scientists. You’ve lost me.
21 - A normal human being would have started shooting ten pages ago! Geez!
27 - Serious screenwriters don’t miss question marks. Inexcusable.
28 - Please tell me that this is modeled after “the hero’s journey”.
35 - I hate flashbacks.
41 - Brutal scene no matter what kind of flick. You two must watch a lot of “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”.
43 - “Faith, light bulb goes off.” doesn’t make the desired impression on me.
49 - Who’s Andy? Oh, right! The dude. Nevermind…
63 - Alligators with top hats? Awesome.
72 - Nothing more creative up your sleeve? I’d think you two could come up at least twenty hilarious strip club names and/or themes. Sounds like a fun drinking game.
103 - …
What? Oh, movie’s done. Fair enough.
Once Mikey was reduced to muttering “Kill! Kill! Kill!” I realized that while this is all fun and good, you could have made a much funnier and smarter movie while retaining all of the self-awareness of the porn/exploitation genre that made this enjoyable.
And, you know, I’m friends with a lesbian and she insists that lesbians do not scissor and I just call bullshit on that. That's like saying no two lesbians in the world have ever scissored each other, right? It's just fucking preposterous.
Anyways…
…
How does it all add up?
Great porno movie...or...the greatest porno movie ever? It would certainly be the most expensive.
Characters? There were characters? I didn’t really bother paying attention to which one of the girls was talking. Hope is the dumb broad who thinks she knows so much, right? Annoying. I hate bitches like that. But they were all hot so it was cool. I’d probably bang them as long as they just moaned and screamed and didn’t actually form words ‘n shit. Unless those words were dirty. Stud was okay but he wasn’t extreme enough. It would have been better if you had just cast me in the movie. I would have fucked twice as many chicks and blew up like a thousand times more stuff.
I literally cannot imagine a single thespian that wouldn’t leap at the chance to stretch their acting boundaries within these roles.
You’ve got roles for Hulk Hogan, Sasha Grey, the restless ghost of Jackie Gleason, Kelly Ripa, that lady from “Murphy Brown”...
How could this movie not get made? I do think you’re missing Julie Strain but, shit, kids today, ya know? What the fuck?
Did you count the number of “fuck”s? Can I get a grand total please? Or just fucks in dialogue. Those are the ones that really fucking count.
I feel like my grandparents got together and wrote a snuff film.
When I inevitably teach amateur screenwriting at the community college I will use your script as a teaching tool and hand it down to tomorrow’s youths and bored elderly.
The best part? I jerked it like seven times before the third act. The worst part? I felt like there was something more important that I could have been doing.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Good fucking luck and fucking cheers, you fucking fucks!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Van Halen - Unchained
Ween - Piss Up a Rope
Rehab - Sittin’ At a Bar
Maria Muldaur - Midnight at the Oasis
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Warrant - Cherry Pie
Bob Seger - Famous Final Scene
Van Halen - House of Pain read -
A review of The F Lineby MSchmidt13 on 11/12/2010Aloha! As much as I would like this to be a full comedy I was fully aware that it was probably going to be more of a serious adventure story. The disparity between the raunchiness of the highs and the bleakness of the lows was, however, not something that I was expecting. This is a great concept for a comedy. Two stoners mixed up in a murder plot trying to get out by the time... Aloha!
As much as I would like this to be a full comedy I was fully aware that it was probably going to be more of a serious adventure story. The disparity between the raunchiness of the highs and the bleakness of the lows was, however, not something that I was expecting. This is a great concept for a comedy. Two stoners mixed up in a murder plot trying to get out by the time their trip kicks in would have been perfect for a late seventies Cheech & Chong flick. Hell, I’d write it.
Anywho, comedy or no, the concept sounds pretty cool which is why I wanted to read this. I’ll start this review with some notes that I took as I read.
7 - Funny so far. “I find that strangely appealing.” Good stuff.
18 - It’d be nice to have actual neighborhoods and street names but it’s not a big deal.
26 - Too far into the script to get here but I was glad we were getting to the real story now.
29 - Shouldn’t they eat the shrooms before the murder? Even I wouldn’t eat a bunch of super-shrooms after that shit. And I’m really dumb!
41 - Still just a straight up raunchy comedy. It’s half of the movie. If you're gonna go dark you gotta start sooner.
47 - So, uh, why are they doing this subplot? Maybe you need to hammer down exactly what these guys are carrying in the way of motivation. You’d think Atticus wouldn’t want to take drugs after a murder. You’d think these guys would want to contact police or get off of the street and hide but instead they get led into an apartment and then agree to go sell a bunch of coke just as their buzzes are kicking in. I’m just not sure why they decide to do what they do when they do it so far.
It turns out one of them is just really stoned and is imagining all of this anyway. Oh… I can’t get into that from a critical standpoint let alone if I had just watched this myself.
55 - Predictable turn in such an overall insane script but it is structurally sound. Stakes get raised here.
56 - Vial.
71 - Add some color to this stuff. He’s in a crazy dream high. What’s the world around him look like?
I’d love to see stuff like a living 3rd rail that shoots sparks floating into the air or graffiti morphing and coming to life around him. Insect wings are good. I’d just suggest more compelling visuals for the screen.
77 - Describe his eyes? Etc, etc, etc.
83 - Describe the souls and their departures?
86 - Mixed up action lines here?
91 - These flashbacks are going to be disorienting on-screen.
99 - Or you could go to the Bahamas like you said. That might more sense. You did make kind of a big deal around that living poster with Alice on it and the three girls. All that shit was just for that one superfluous scene?
...
So, how does it all add up?
Let’s start with the first half -
"Fantasy" Atticus and Francis, while being reasonably different in terms of character, sound a lot alike most of the time. Atticus is your average smart-ass sex hound that you see in just about every raunchy comedy. It works okay but he needs something else if he’s gonna stick out. That goes for our straight man Francis too.
I like the singing girls and Alice. It's just fun and slightly charming.
There’s no real tension and you could have plenty of it if that’s something you want to do.
You’re probably missing plenty of opportunities to make this thing a true visual feast. They’re hallucinating, after all. Watch some old ass cartoons - you know, the ones where all the animators were addicted to ether - and get inspired.
And then there’s the second half -
You might benefit from a little more comedy in the second half. Or tone most of it down in the first half. The first half is a screwball buddy comedy and the second half is a dark hallucination followed by a depressing supposed sobriety. I’d like to see the second half lighten way the fuck up or see the first half, well, just like not exist I guess.
So, what I mean is that you David Lynch-ed me by shoving two movies with completely different tones together and blending them into a single story that appears to be a delusion but is dispelled after a tripped out journey and the audience sees the “truth” with their own eyes. It is a harsh truth and one that is far too cruel and tonally different for our audience, who should be invested in the characters from the delusion that didn’t really even exist, to truly get on board with.
It’s a nice job of blurring the lines between reality and fantasy that could be made better with additional clarity. I’m not really sure what the chain of events truly was. Right now I feel like it’s all too muddled. I don't mind a fake reality, I just wonder why it was so important for me to experience the delusion. What does the delusion have to do with the reality? I know you may have wanted a level of confusion but it isn’t that satisfying in the end because it opens up too many questions. Who was the dude in the beginning and why’d he see the woman in the white dress? What caused the massive delusions? What was the point of spending half of the movie in a pleasant fantasy world that didn’t exist but was totally normal and mundane in most respects just to switch over to a second, whackier and visually trippy fantasy world that grows darker and darker, finally winding up in a barrage of flashbacks that may or may not be real themselves?
It’s just too schizophrenic for my tastes. But it’s not bad and it is a well done script that I enjoyed experiencing. You get no below average marks from me in any way. I just couldn’t truly dig it on the same level that I am sure others will.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way. Hit me back if you wish.
Good luck and cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
The Yard birds - Lost Woman
The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
The Buzzcocks - Moving Away From the Pulsebeat
The Police - Secret Journey
White Town - Your Woman
Crystal Castles - Tell Me What To Swallow
Kings of Leon - The End read -
A review of White Collar Sociopathsby MSchmidt13 on 09/24/2010Aloha! I am not sure as to how receptive you will be towards this review and my opinions. Truth be told, I’m usually kind of an asshole. Reviewing isn’t something I particularly enjoy. I’m pretty much just trying to tell you what to do with your own creation. You can take what I have to say or you can leave it and no matter what it’s just my opinion. I’m only one dude in a... Aloha!
I am not sure as to how receptive you will be towards this review and my opinions. Truth be told, I’m usually kind of an asshole. Reviewing isn’t something I particularly enjoy. I’m pretty much just trying to tell you what to do with your own creation. You can take what I have to say or you can leave it and no matter what it’s just my opinion. I’m only one dude in a sea of dudes. I can only assure you that I am trying to help you but when you get down to it I am just going to tell you what I would do if I were you. You’re a new screenwriter, right? I’m going to start from the bottom and work my way up. This is all just how I personally do things and prefer them to be.
(cough) So, let’s get on with the review. I’m writing down my notes based on the PDF page numbers.
2 - Right off the rip I’m going to suggest that you keep all action line descriptions active. For instance “An Asian man is peering…” should be “An Asian man peers…”. “is” and “are” are both good words to try to spot and avoid.
See, this is a little point but I’m going to point it out and it will never stop.
“oriental as can be”. I’m gonna leave that one alone for now. Unless you’re writing a scene that requires a person’s identity to be purposefully shrouded, you need to introduce people by their full name (IN BIG FUCKING CAPS) the first time that we see them on screen.
Does this Asian man appear to be in his mid forties or is he just (44) right when you introduce and, preferably, name him?
Get a copy of Trottier’s screenwriting book. I’m sure I’m not the first to mention it. I doubt there’s a total industry standard as to how a screenplay should look and read but that book is pretty much as close as you’re gonna get.
There’s a trick to all of this. Appear to be a professional even if you are not.
“A look as if he is hiding something” How would you describe that to someone?
The building is not a sleeping giant. It’s not like a sleeping giant in any way.
Write more like “Sun rays reflecting off the windows bounce away in an orange glow”. That’s better.
And when you finally wrap up this page you have three little star thingies like this *** and then a bunch of crap that you’re telling the reader.
You are a screenwriter. You job is to create a script that will ultimately translate to an audience. The audience can only see what you show us or hear what you tell us. The reader who reads this script is not who you should be writing to. Focus on two things for now: What happens and what is heard.
3 - “(High but mid-range voice)” Something like this is probably what I’m going to point to when I tell you that you are wasting my fucking time. Because you waste a lot of my fucking time.
And I’m going to give you shit for not knowing how to use proper grammar. It’s important to appear capable even if you are not. How do you think I got my job at the chemical sewage plant?
If you can’t read your own script and spot stuff like “They love makers…” then why should I?
You grammar is fuuuuuuuuuuucking awful. You gotta get the basics down and if all else fails just keep it simple.
It is truly insulting to read a script that the author hasn’t. How many times have you read your own goddamn script?
5 - You got big ass paragraph-style blocks of action lines. Think of every line like a shot in a movie. See if that helps.
8 - Why do you keep telling us more and more about his looks? I don’t care. I will never smell anyone’s arrogance through a television set and the only way I will ever think of this guy as arrogant is when he does some stuff that is arrogant or says something that is arrogant. See where I’m going with this?
Actions tell us who characters are. Not the screenwriter.
I know that Derek is a man capable of murder but I’m not quite sure what his motivation was. All I can assume is that he must really dig his wife. Maybe he’s disgusted with his own homosexuality.
And that’s it so far. Because that’s all you’ve shown me.
9 - Do you have any idea what your characters just said or what it specifically pertains to? If you just thought it would be some good bullshit business jargon that’s fine but you’d better not think this equals an in-depth look at the dark world of corporate espionage or some other horseshit.
“they” call ‘em “oatmeal cream pies”, do they? Oh. That’s cool. I don’t. Maybe you shouldn’t. It’s one thing for a character to say something incredibly racist but you’re the only one speaking so far.
What is the point of this scene with Amir? He’s smoking a cigarette next to a sweet ass car and the city looks all sweet as he stares out across it and the sunlight hits his brown eyes all sweet and none of it has anything to do with your plot.
From this point on you should look at every scene that you will ever write and ask yourself - “If I took this out would the message/story/movie/whatfuckingever still make sense?” If the answer is “yes” then you should consider cutting that scene.
10 - Again with the office?! I don’t give a fuck.
11 - You should say “window”. I thought he was slamming her head down onto a drinking glass at first.
12 - You’d have to assume everyone would murder this wife in this fashion if it were as easy as you make it appear. Come to think of it, I’ve got some folks I’m not that fond of. Maybe I’ll consider renting office space.
13 - You’ve got a five line paragraph and all it amounts to is: “Detective Scott peers at Derek”. That’s it.
15 - He gets cut off and immediately stops speaking. That is totally not “alpha dog” behavior.
17 - Is “UR” some new word I’ve just been made aware of? Again, this is a script not a text message to my fourteen year old girlfriend.
“The China man named Mr.Kim is at home now.” Is this a fucking joke? Are you serious with this shit? I feel like I’m reading an unproduced Ed Wood script at this point.
18 - A ten line paragraph relayed this information to me: “A helicopter lands. Two assholes get off.”
What you have written sounds more like a transcript of a Puff Daddy video from the mid-nineties.
19 - What’s the detail? What’s he seeing on Mr. Kim’s computer screen. You don’t know, do you?
22 - “altered monthly reports”, eh? At least it’s something.
23 - No one cares about the gas efficiency of his car. Does that come into play at some point in the story?
I understand that you have a vision. You should have a perfect, vivid vision. But this is just more shit that no reader needs to be told. Focus on what really matters. Focus on the story and the characters. Even focus on their dialogue. Forget all the stuff that doesn’t really matter.
24 - You’re on the right track with the Killer A, Killer B, Killer C stuff. This is the right way to keep characters concealed on screen.
26 - We don’t know what characters are thinking. You have to convey stuff like this through emotions or actions.
28 - A Boston Cream with sprinkles sounds so good right now.
38 - Dillinger is a bank robber from the early 1930’s. A Derringer is a tiny pistol.
39 - Fox? That’s barely a news channel.
42 - Why is Todd referring to White by his last name? Isn’t Todd’s last night “White” too? Because they are brothers? You know? Right? Are you paying attention to your own work?
43 - For a sociopath, Derek is a fucking pussy. How many times is he going to beg someone not to shoot him? (Twice)
45 - Suddenly this pilot is a badass talking shit. Why is that? Really. Ask yourself that.
This is a guy who works for a living as a pilot. He’s not some criminally-inclined goon from a Tarantino movie. How about he makes an emergency landing and cooperates with police? That sounds more likely in the real world.
47 - A hundred dollars for one call? Take that deal! Who wouldn’t? Characters need to behave like normal people. If someone gave me a hundred bucks to borrow my cell phone I would totally dig it. Wouldn’t you? Then why not this hick? He gets a rifle instead. I guess that’s so we can have another gun fight. Whatever.
What a theme it would be if you tried to say that everyone in the world is an unbalanced sociopath. Seriously. That’s way more interesting than anything else in here.
48 - and on that note…
What the fuck? He opens the door?
Is everyone in your story retarded?
He walks her over to the exit and doesn’t get, oh, I don’t know, SUCKED OUT OF THE FUCKING PLANE? Aye carumba, dude. I don’t know what to make of all this random shit.
50 - Tears? Sociopaths don’t care about their dead cousins, dude. I thought you’d at least keep the sociopath part consistent. Have you done any research at all?
I have a feeling this dude is just a violent misogynist anyway. What a protagonist! You know what a protag is?
51 - What’s a “Dosh bag”?
52 - It was the killing two people that did it? Not the hi-jacking of the private plane and the kidnapping of two hostages? He didn’t think the police might care about that?
“INT. PRIVATE JET SUICIDE ATTEMPT - DAYLIGHT DIES” - What is this? Because it’s definitely not a proper slug line, I’ll tell you that much.
59 - I’d assume his asserts were seized but whatever. Who really cares at this point?
65 - I have a “White Horse” bar in my town too.
66 - That was pretty easy. Why doesn’t every prisoner arrange for a goddamn helicopter to pick them up?
67 - Introduce them as OSCAR and ABDUL.
And why the hell is this shit in your screenplay? What the hell do these two have to do with the plot?
77 - “Ms. Layla”…Is that because you didn’t give her a last name?
Oi…
87 - The brother betraying brother subplot is good.
88 - A seventeen line paragraph posing as an action line might be a new record.
90 - So, you figure you can take your favorite elements from “American Psycho” and “Scarface”, hack them together in some weird amalgam and make a script that people will be clamoring to buy from you? It’s not that easy, amigo.
...
How does it all add up?
I think the biggest problem with your script is that your main character is a sociopath. You would think I would have considered that possibility when I went into this script but I had no idea how much it would matter.
What makes Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho” work is the same kind of thing that makes Hannibal Lector work. They are interesting.
Tony Montana works because he has a motivation and a drive that surpasses the normal thug’s.
You don’t have an interesting character. You just have a sociopath that no one cares about. We see nothing of ourselves in him. If you tried to make this guy just like us you might get to a scary, good place. When you recognize pieces of your own humanity in evil, wicked characters it makes them resonate with an audience in some way.
You don’t know what you’re talking about and it shows. What do these characters you’ve created do for a living? EQI Crop? “the game of finance”? What the hell is that? What do these assholes really do for a living? How are they defrauding the company? Who owns the company? What are the exact contents in the evidence that could prove their guilt?
You spend ample time describing to us what shit looks like. What this character looks like. What his office looks like. What his pen set looks like. No one cares.
Maybe you should focus more on what this character is doing or about what his actions are saying.
Sociopaths aren’t that interesting. They have no motivation. They do things for little or no reason. You need a main character that has a motivation that drives him forward. The closest you come is a few half-hearted thoughts about moving to Italy. Why is that important? We have to care about what happens to your character even if we hate him as a person.
A movie fails when it’s all style and no substance. What are you attempting to tell the world with this story? What is the plot and how does it relate to an audience?
Your actual story, once you cut through all the superfluous horseshit, isn’t terrible. It’s not stunning in its complexity or anything but it’s not below average. It’s not fleshed out enough to cover 90 pages but that doesn’t mean you can’t get it there.
Your grammar is ball-achingly terrible but you’re not a monumentally shitty writer. You just write way too much in some places and not enough in others. You have to focus on telling a good story with great characters. That’s it. Not all of this other crap.
You’ve been getting plenty of shit on the message boards. Some of it is deserved but most of it probably isn’t. I understand that you are going through a difficult time adjusting to life after prison. When you get yourself into a stable position you should pick up a copy of David Trottier’s screenwriting bible, get yourself a screenwriting program (Maybe you have one. You have the right margins but nothing is formatted correctly. I use a free downloadable software called Celtx. Type that into a search engine and you’ll find their homepage), read plenty of produced and amateur scripts and just keep fucking trying, man. Make every attempt to master your craft and you will.
Your first script, right? Second? Maybe?
Write ten more.
Or give up.
Keep fucking pushing.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Cheers and good luck.
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
The Smiths - This Charming Man
Def Leppard - Bringin’ on the Heartbreak
MC Hammer - Can’t Touch This
Radiohead - Bodysnatchers
Eric Clapton - Layla (Unplugged)
The Smiths - Handsome Devil read -
A review of Kindnessby MSchmidt13 on 09/22/2010Aloha! I am tasked once again with taking the words of one writer and using them to title the collective. What title shall that be? Let’s see. And, bonus, I get it assigned too. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make my review any better. I can’t really complain about any of these tales because they are what they are. That makes it harder for me to review. I like to bitch a lot... Aloha!
I am tasked once again with taking the words of one writer and using them to title the collective. What title shall that be? Let’s see.
And, bonus, I get it assigned too. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make my review any better. I can’t really complain about any of these tales because they are what they are. That makes it harder for me to review. I like to bitch a lot.
Shall we continue?
“Pass it On”
I think this probably the prototypical story for an anthology like this. It’s a nice portrait of the cyclical nature of life and how the smallest betrayals and kindnesses shape reality around us.
Is a smile enough to kill depression? Probably not. But it is enough to make someone happy for a moment in time and you never know when that moment may come at the time that you truly need it.
“What Did You Do Today?”
What descriptive, vivid action lines you have. Reminds me that I’m suddenly craving brownies.
Mmmm…brownies…
This one speaks of kindness both intentional and subconscious. Zoey’s kindness springs from a shy innocence untarnished by age and experience. Lisa’s kindness is more of a deliberate choice and reflects the bravery required to make mature, polarizing decisions based on what you believe to be right.
“I told them to stop.” - nice correlation. Maybe “So I stuck up for her.” would be better aligned with Lisa’s shot?
If I wasn’t a withered shell devoid of emotion this one would probably give me the goosebumps.
“Protocols”
The transition here switches gears and we get our first taste of kindness in a non-modern setting. Your writing style is like butter on my brain. Still, now is the time I’d usually suggest modifying uses of “is” or “are” because, ya know, I’m a dick. Some of you guys could use a kick.
This story could have gone two totally different ways for me. You could have left the father and daughter duo floating to their deaths in the black emptiness. That’s probably what I would have done in a “Kindness” anthology.
You could have told several different stories in six pages if you retained the same re-imagined premise. That’s pretty cool. A viewer wouldn’t be sure as to where this should logically go.
In the end, your main moral speaks clearly for itself. There just ain’t no substitute for the human soul, the kinship of family, the bond of blood. There is no way to replicate the act of kindness - or true emotion. You cannot bottle love. You cannot sell compasion on the roadside of the intergalactic highway. When people start believing that a machine can replicate the mind, body and soul of a person all we are truly left with is the death of flesh.
You could have gone the “A.I”/ “Short Circuit” route on this one. I’m glad you didn’t. Fuck robots!
Although I did just watch “Blade Runner” a few days ago…
Fuck it. I change my mind. My “Kindness” anthology contribution would have been “Blade Runner 2: Roy’s Revengening”.
“Little Bit”
Well, that sure was a downer! I’ve had animals in my home since before I can remember so I can sympathize with this kind of story. Takes me back to a sad place that I can relate to.
It was like a flashback of my own life, over and over again. Somebody’s gotta be there and it’s like watching your best friend die.
It’s pretty hard to show what kind of happiness these two beings gave to each other. I like the message, that theirs was a mutual kindness between person and animal and that each gave and received.
As a pet owner, I fully understand. The bond between pet and owner is so dense that it transcends species. That’s a rare thing.
“Strangers in the Night”
If I say that this was interesting you’ll know that it means I don’t get it.
“The Decision”
This one packs a great surprise. Is this dramatic irony? I don’t know I just write movies.
Perhaps it is possible to infer exactly what ails Riley but I prefer its ambiguous nature.
This one is my favorite so far. The sparse nature of six pages really works here. It was pretty straightforward but it might be the most complete “story” of the bunch.
“Norma and Buzz”
I felt like more than one of these tales could be animated. If I was watching a movie it would be great variety to throw some animated sequences in there.
Might I suggest always showing the perspective of the fly BEFORE we show the perspective of the human? Like, a lonely fly traverses a pock-marked landscape and we slowly discover that we are creeping upon the bridge of the human nose.
I always avoid the same word. You embrace it. It works well in six pages. Who knows?
Doesn’t Buzz get it? She gives him a free pass and he still sticks his nose all about?
I treat every action line like an individual shot.
“Buzz has been hit.”
or
“The bus hits Buzz. He splatters across the windshield.” With or without a “SPLAT!”, of course!
I like this one but it doesn’t really resonate with a “kindness” theme. The whole deal with them suddenly being buddies and trying to find her a mate didn’t gel exactly right.
“Breaking and Entering”
I like the night to day transition. Would be cool and subtle.
Douchebag seems like an odd choice of words for an elderly woman. I should probably research the history of the douche. When did they come out? Were they ever in style? Certainly not in my life time. Probably big in the seventies. Anyways…
I would have preferred a little more of a mature dramatic situation. A hardened criminal with a warrant out for his arrest would have a shit ton more at stake than a hungry pre-teen. Wouldn’t true kindness be helping someone when you knew it might end up fucking you over in the end? Maybe a stronger message would see the elderly woman turn on the kid and report him for B&E immediately after she got her old, bitchy ass on the stretcher. A viewer would have to ask themselves if they would have done the same thing in retrospect. Would you save someone’s life if you knew your actions would have a detrimental effect on your own life? Now that’s a harder choice to make.
“Colored People”
I’d stop after “He said I can color whatever I want”.
I don’t really have any critique for this one. I thought it was incredibly creative. Dialogue isn’t anything to write home about. How’s that? No. That complaint doesn’t really work either. Sorry. The less you said here the better. Your kids sound like kids.
When you look at the collection of stories you see that each of us has a very similar idea as to what kindness is at its core.
Probably my favorite of the bunch.
“The Anonymous Mr. Finnley”
I’d probably kill myself after getting that note, realizing truly how alone I am. I’m a big ole ray of sunshine though. Opinions vary.
Mara doesn’t need to say as much as she does during her marital dispute. It’s hard to write good dialogue in six pages. I wasn’t crazy about what the Mother says on the phone either. Less is probably more here.
It would have been cool to get a teensy-tiny bit of info on what drives Mr. Finnley to do what he does. Maybe that’s the point.
What creates kindness? Can it be harnassed or channeled if I find the right kind of emotional proton pack?
“Evil Will Prevail”
Truly depressing. I was wondering when I’d find something like this bundled up in all this warmth. Great attention to detail here. I was in that goddamn funeral. Why is it that ugly people seem the most realistic and vivid? You make their hideousness so beautiful.
What’s this say about kindness? Maybe that you take whatever small ones that you can get?
“Untitled Kindness Story”
I got an animated feeling from this one too. This was a high level of action. It doesn’t waste time, doesn’t slow down.
I like that the dog doesn’t die.
“I Looked and Behold, a Pale Horse”
Stand out dialogue in this one. Nice ending.
It’s also pretty glaring that people in this anthology seem to need kindness the most when they need money. After reading half of this shit it’s apparent that money truly is the root of all evil.
The Man is a rarity in today’s society. That in and of itself says a lot.
“Why should I keep something others lack when I don’t need it?” isn’t something that most people would ask themselves.
“Is Everything All Right?”
Peter’s clumsiness makes him endearing but he was never really THAT broken hearted now, was he?
This one has a lot of action too. Constant shifting conflict. Me likely. I like when stuff happens frantically and people are rushing about.
I was listening to the Sinatra song (see more below) when I read this and I liked it even more.
This one was a unique look at kindness which made it refreshing. It wasn’t this life altering event it was just a simple act on a shitty day. But then again Peter’s life doesn’t seem so bad when everyone is kicking the bucket in the stories around him.
“Captain Jack”
Seen that sign before.
Two very colorful, fun characters. Lots of personality. These guys seem real.
How are you going to make Parkinson’s translate onto the screen? Tell the reader he’s got it, fine, but an audience might just be confused.
And I like the message in the end. Kind of like the Stones might have said “But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”
Small kindnesses are the ones that slowly improve the world around us.
“Find Me Again”
Great title. There’s a really beautiful poetry to this story. It’s simple yet ethereal. I could see how something feature length could blossom out of this material but it works the same on its own.
“The Metaphysics of Life Theft”
He’s a bit of a dichotomy, isn’t he? I suppose that’s what makes a good character.
I started wondering how you feel going to kill this dude off. Made for a great pay-off. I didn’t see the guillotine coming.
…
So, how does it all add up?
The stories in this anthology share a common theme. Kindness is reciprocal. Almost every tale here shows us that kindness passes itself on like the butterfly effect. The smallest of kindnesses matter because they grow bigger and bigger with each person they touch.
A majority of these stories actually deal heavily with death. That’s kind of a weird way for a “Kindness” anthology to go.
Perhaps there is no better reason to be kind to one another. We’re all gonna die someday.
Yes, I wrapped up my review on kindness with a cryptic statement on death. Sue me.
I hope these comments can assist you all in some way.
Cheers and good luck!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Mama Cass - Make Your Own Kind of Music
Placebo - One of a Kind
Frank Sinatra - You Brought a New Kind of Love
Joe Bonamassa - Another Kind of Love
Nick Lowe - Cruel To Be Kind
The Cramps - New Kind of Kick
Frank Sinatra - My Kind of Town
Armor For Sleep - Kind of Perfect
Silver Jews - The Wild Kindness read -
A review of Don Juan Villanovaby MSchmidt13 on 09/12/2010Aloha! Well, let’s see. This is basically just a continuation of the “Indy” franchise without Indy. It kind of throws me off base when we’re basically talking about “Indiana Jones 7” and not an original creation or something in the public domain. How am I supposed to comment on the main character’s character when he is just a placeholder for someone else’s creation? I don’t... Aloha!
Well, let’s see. This is basically just a continuation of the “Indy” franchise without Indy. It kind of throws me off base when we’re basically talking about “Indiana Jones 7” and not an original creation or something in the public domain.
How am I supposed to comment on the main character’s character when he is just a placeholder for someone else’s creation? I don’t need to see a Mutt Williams movie. I don’t really want to see a Mutt Williams movie. But I’d love to see someone create something NEW that harkens back to the Indy movies just like the Indy movies harkens back to adventure serials and movies like “Gunga Din” or “Secret of the Incas” or anything Alan Quartermain.
My review will be based on helping you perfect Don Juan. Not Mutt Williams. What a stupid Goddamn name. “Mutt”. Bleh! I’d rather watch Washington Smith fuck around for two hours.
As it turns out, this version of the script bears little resemblance to Mutt Williams or anything from that franchise.
Let’s see if you can’t create your own compelling character, shall we? I mean, you want all that character rights money for yourself, don’t you?
Well, don’t you?!
If Frank fucking Darabont can’t get a Indy script produced then you and I are pretty much fucked.
So, it’s going to be a slightly odd review. My reviews are usually already slightly odd so strap in, mother fucker! It may not be pleasant but I promise you your review's worth.
5 - What kind of authority?
6 - His first real line tells us everything we need to know about him. No. It honestly tells us flat out everything we probably ever need to know about him.
Subtext, my friend. I want to see it!
10 - Draws what? His barrel? What’s that? You have to describe that he has a gun and what it is before you get this casual.
Did he even have a gun? If he did it disappears after this. Or I didn’t notice him lose it.
Anyway, I like the idea of Don Juan not packing a piece.
“She has a cold.” I don’t know that as a viewer and I have no reason to infer it other than scattered tissues. Why is that important?
12 - The initial chase sequence is pretty vanilla. Just a simple trek across the rooftops and a very cliché zip-line routine. If this were an Indy movie this guy would be seducing a woman to get his hands on a priceless artifact. That’s a great sense of character right there because a normal man retrieves an artifact to get his hands on some pussy and that’s not interesting at all.
14 - “Jose is silent with the stare down.” This is not how I would write action lines.
And I laughed audibly when she said “RAAAPPPPE”. Nice timing. Funny gag.
20 - This is exclusive to Americans? Oh, right, so we hate this goddamn foreigner, I get it. Xenophobia to the rescue!
This scene can be trimmed. If you think in terms of story alone then all they are doing is taking off. Not that crucial.
22 - If all Alegro cares about is money then he’d be better suited to doing exactly what he’s been doing. Why is gold scavenging better than drug dealing? I don’t get it. What’s he really gaining out of this? If it’s about his heritage and pedigree then you better make it about that. Most drug lords become drug lords because drug lords have a shit ton of money and power. What would make someone compromise all of that? For different money and power? I don’t understand him.
26 - Escape! Now’s your chance! Escape! Why are you still here?
And what purpose does checking in serve? Lying around in a two piece is not what I would call drama. Being served margaritas doesn’t do much for us either. Are they on vacation or on a dangerous adventure?
28 - A girl who doesn’t want to go into a filthy, ancient crypt! Imagine that.
30- And then the head falls on top of her and she’s all grossed out. Who cares? Seen it before in the same franchise that you are attempting to write for. Why duplicate? Give me something new already!
And why does it matter how loud she is? We’ve established that the Kitchen Manager works for Alegro and no one seems to care whether or not they are there. Did you just need something to say here and you figured that would work?
How about
“Scream a little louder -”
“You might wake him.”
Or something similar.
Does any of this make sense? Feel free to disagree and berate me if none of this seems applicable.
34 - Celebrate what? Escape already, dammit!
Ah. No. Far more important that they dance well together, I guess. And she’s clearly impressed. With his dancing, that is. Because that’s what she should be concerned about.
120 pages and you can’t think of a better way for her to be into a guy? The way he dances? That clinches it? Not his cocksure attitude when confronted with danger? Not his ability to pound other guys and protect her? Girls like it when you beat up people, ya know.
Yikes. I’m refusing to give up here. Just not digging anything so far.
36 - Then ESCAPE. Why are you both not escaping?!
You gotta give me something. A loved one held hostage, a bomb in your brain, a Herpes outbreak that could occur at the push of a button…
Something. Anything. No one has any reason to be where they are if you discount greed. No one cares about a protag who wants nothing else but money. You’ve got two. You have a decent idea for an arc but it doesn’t come through and isn’t even really dealt with until the last ten pages. If you make your two leads shallow people who care for nothing but money and have them grow to realize that people are more important than money then I can get onboard. Somewhat. It’s still hard to root for someone like that unless you make them interesting or funny. Don Juan should be forced to choose greed or Amanda. That's what Indy does in every movie and that's why we love him. Don Juan shouldn't get both.
40 - We are forty minutes into your feature length movie and there isn’t any action aside from an opening sequence that has nothing to do with the rest of your script.
40 - Why is it so easy for them to slip away? Do something! Create a distraction! They just walk down a goddamn trail and no one can find them? That’s it? Why didn’t they do this pages ago?
I didn’t like “National Treasure”. Maybe because it has nothing to do with characters and little more to do with actual story. Still, that movie at least lets us know why a certain character is doing what they are doing. If it is just about greed then you have to make a statement about greed.
47 - Being hand fed a vehicle description sure is convenient. I’m glad our antagonists didn’t need to actually do anything to get their hands on this information.
And, again, why is treasure hunting more lucrative or important than drug smuggling? We’re really going to suspend all our operations for this? He must not be a prominent drug lord.
48 - Amanda sets a coffee next to him. What a good little, inconsequential thing for a female to do. Glad she’s still around. We need someone to get the main character coffee.
The world’s greatest smuggler and treasure hunter uses “Google: Earth”?
50 - No actor wants to play THUG #2. Well, that’s not true but they’d rather play a character with some color. Just like I’d rather see someone or something interesting on screen as opposed to faceless, nameless thugs.
58 - So, he drives over a car with a semi truck hauling a tank full of gasoline, completely destroying it. The car blows up, for some reason, and the tank of gas is fine?
67 - The intention is to now kill them? Why didn’t they just stay in their helicopters and shoot at the tanker or truck tires with semi-automatic rifles and what not. He’s an all powerful drug lord. Just bring a friggin’ rocket launcher and blow ‘em up with it. You’ve got money to dish out on thugs and guns and helicopters. I have to assume if he just wanted to kill Don Juan he could have found an easier way. If that’s the case then this entire action sequence is superfluous.
I think it works better if Alegro still needs Don Juan alive in order to find the city. Don Juan should be that good . His services should be so valuable that he is worth more alive than dead. It’s a little more interesting if they can’t just flat out shoot Don Juan in the face. They shouldn’t run around with their guns out when we know that you aren’t going to let these people get shot. You give them a gun and then put them on a tanker and shout “don’t use yer gun!”
In moments like this I feel like I want to see the protagonist do as much as possible for himself. That includes disarming a thug who wants to shoot you in the kneecap.
Zipping over the Grand Canyon would be a really fun moment in this movie. But again, it’s the same, old tired makeshift zipline scene that we see in every g-damn action movie around. You set it all up just fine, pretty thrilling, but why not try to find a more original and creative way for them to get across the Grand Canyon? Push yourself to think of something more unique because it has the potential to be an awesome “trailer moment” in your flick if you treat it right.
68 - Shit. That was dumb of them.
70 - No, I can’t remind you why you’re here. I’m just an audience member. You’re the character. I still haven’t figured out why you are there.
73 - “You cheat on husbands with their wives.” Uh. That doesn’t sound how you want it to sound.
74 - How’d he get there before them? Pack mules are faster than a raft speeding down the rapids?
76 - So much “is”. “Amanda sleeps on the couch.” Keep it in the present.
78 - Gee, I wonder how our hero will ever be able to overcome such an overwhelming antagonist like Thug #7. I’m on the edge of my seat here.
80 - Ah, they lower their weapons and laugh. Right.
If I were a ruthless, murderous, greed-driven drug lord I would shoot the shit out of that mule and shoot the shit out of the old prospector without any words being exchanged.
I get it. It’s not that kind of a movie. I understand. But if it’s not that kind of a movie then maybe making this guy a drug kingpin doesn’t work. Maybe he’s just another treasure hunter, if you want to go the “National Treasure” route, that is. If he’s a badass he has to be a badass. If he’s a comical foil that gets bitten on the ass by a donkey then he’s a comical foil that - well, you get the idea.
All these guys can’t even manage to have the house surrounded. It’s all too easy for our heroes and it requires little to no effort or thought on their part. I’d rather watch intelligent, conniving, sneaky villains - even in a popcorn movie like this. Just like I’d rather see heroes that have to use their brains as well as their brawn from time to time. The Indy movies were a lot like that. He’s a thinking man’s action hero.
95 - Where’s the conflict for our hero here? We spend a scene with him so his girlfriend can smile and kiss him and he can call up his adversary and gloat for a minute? Is there a specific reason our duo of heroes is wasting time and enjoying themselves in a casino? They can just take a few scenes off and kick back, eh? That’s a problem.
Why do they need to get this treasure? They don’t. Why do they need to race to the treasure? They don’t. A race, a time clock, whatever you want to call it - that doesn’t exist here. Therefore there is no immediacy. Is the world affected in any way when either one of these guys gets the gold? Why do we care if either of them gets it? Because one is the supposed “good guy”?
Don Juan doesn’t care about a million dollars in chips and we don’t care about Don Juan. What does a fortune in gold matter to a man who apparently doesn’t care about money? And he doesn’t care about other people. He steals whatever he wants at that moment and drives through restaurants, ruining businesses and endangering numerous lives in the process.
You’ll see “The Blues Brothers” in my favorites. They do the same thing. Except they’re criminal misfits in a comedy and they do something very subtle that makes them okay. They blow their horn repeatedly and drive to ensure they do not injure anyone.
Don Juan? He quips wittily while nearly committing vehicular homicide on an entire band of working stiffs. The thugs aren’t willing to drive over people and that’s how Don Juan gets away. Because the villains won’t do something as dickish as our main characters will.
104 - Someone just left another zipline for him to use. That was nice of them. You do realize that when you do the same thing over and over again you lose all of the suspense, right?
107 - A hundred bucks to the guy who slaps his wife. Awesome. This would have been a good scene for Don Juan to show us something. Like his point of view even. Maybe he could say “Hey, Jerk. Maybe your wife just ain’t happy with you and you should deal with it and move on.” but nah. He just leaves.
Why have the thugs known where Don Juan is/was these last two times? How’d they figure he was in this bar? The same goes for Pauly. Did Don Juan contact him?
121 - I don’t know enough about earth science to dispute anything that happens in your climax.
…
How does it all add up?
You have some good stuff going for you. You have a traditional story with a decent structure. Great sights and exotic locations. It’d be fun to trek around in the southwest.
You’ve got a bug budget helicopter vs. tanker truck action sequence in your midpoint. You’ve got the zipping over the Grand Canyon. You got the raft ride down the river. You got the boat scene. It is all varied enough that you never have to rely on your main character using a gun and people won‘t get bored with action scenes (if you discount all the way too convenient zip-lining stuff). You should think about that and consider eliminating the few times that Don Juan shoots a gun,
You need some traps and puzzles. You should honestly read some “Dungeons and Dragons” sourcebooks for ideas.
I don’t like your characters and I really do not care for Amanda in any way. Your female protag is too similar to Kate Capshaw. I liked Karen Allen (if you ignore the existence of that Crystal Skull abomination like I do) far better. I always prefer a woman who acts like a woman and not a girl. There’s a reason why Indy seeks her out and there’s a reason that she sticks with him. You’ve got a female protag that feels like a formality. Grab her on a whim and keep her because she was already there. That leaves her with no motivation other than survival. If that’s the case then she should be trying to escape all the time. But she doesn’t.
Write your woman like a man and maybe you will get somewhere. You do realize that women are like us, right? Their concerns amount to more than just an expensive change of clothes. Women aren’t around just to be clingy and co-dependent and profess their love for you while you battle internally with the idea of settling down. This chick lacks cajones. WHY DOESN’T SHE EVER TRY ESCAPING? Because it’s not in your plot?
She was on a Telenuvela program. Was she fired? Are they missing her? She had a life before all this, you know.
I don’t know why any of your characters are here. It seems like they all decided to get involved in this story because you wanted them to. That doesn’t work for me.
The playing field is always too even for Don Juan. He doesn’t really ever overcome a greater obstacle as you have tended to go out of your way to make this journey as easy on him as possible.
The worst part? It doesn’t read very quickly. I had to sit down three times to get through it.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way. Hit me back if you would like to discuss anything further.
Cheers and good luck!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Gnarls Barkley - The Last Time
Cream - Rollin’ and Tumblin’
Two Tongues - Tremors
CCR - Commotion
The Strawbs - Lay Down
Muddy Waters - I Got My Brand On You
Elton John - Funeral For A Friend / Love Lies Bleeding read -
A review of In the Cradle of Graniteby MSchmidt13 on 09/06/2010Aloha! So many good quotes. Where do I get my title from? Part two of three, eh? This your “Empire…”? I can’t imagine how a trilogy springs out of this. I mean, I can, but it doesn’t seem that appropriate. Maybe that sums up my whole review. Anyways, let’s get on with it. Here’s my notes. 3 - Stylish opening. Nice visuals. Cool opening image. It doesn’t rhyme with your... Aloha!
So many good quotes. Where do I get my title from?
Part two of three, eh? This your “Empire…”? I can’t imagine how a trilogy springs out of this. I mean, I can, but it doesn’t seem that appropriate.
Maybe that sums up my whole review.
Anyways, let’s get on with it. Here’s my notes.
3 - Stylish opening. Nice visuals. Cool opening image. It doesn’t rhyme with your final image but I gots a simple solution to think about. How about Ashley is strung up over an apple tree? Just like all those poor little rabbits. That make sense?
16 - I’d keep most of the tension in the scene in the bedroom after owbridge wakes up. I understand the connotation but it seems unsympathetic to smile upon news of “papa” being long dead. Maybe there’s another way to show this?
18 - You’ve had really sparse, spot on dialogue up until now.
24 - For this kind of story you should think about a bit of a darker shadow. What I mean is that the Ashley family should be near ruin and young Mr. Ashley should be willing to do close to anything to keep his kin afloat. Owbridge should be a bit more menacing when enlisting Ashley’s aid. Keep the tension alive as to whether or not these two will kill each other while out on the open trail. Their partnership should not be another formality. The tinge of betrayal is present but not as uncertain as it should be.
29 - Present tense, my friend. “Night is approaching” should be “Night approaches”. “A grove of sparse evergreens cast long shadows” sounds better to me. Everything is currently happening. Or maybe I should say everything happens currently. Right?
Also, no one “begins” to do anything in a screenplay. Little quibbles, mind you. Nothing that will affect my view of the script as a whole. Still things to be attentive towards.
35 - Calling her Mrs. Ashley might be simpler.
39 - Very nice turn here. End the last scene on a pleasant note just to remind our audience of the dangers ahead. And how is that done? With a simple image. That of our antagonist. He is our antag, right? ‘Cause if this script lacks anything at this point it would be a consistent human antagonist. You address this later but not sooner. Sooner is important too.
40 - Ashley never forces the conversation and barely talks. Owbridge is the opposite. Maybe that should be the other way around? “Owbridge” is an enigma for the kid to crack, after all.
41 - Great dialogue. Is this all you? “A man can kill many times. But he can only die once.”
46 - This is what I’m talking about. Owbridge is very curt and protective when his past comes into question. A fella like that doesn’t strike me as the type to pry into another’s affairs. He should know better, as he has just shown.
That globe would be incomplete. Isn’t that cool?
49- Well, that would be because he was the oldest. Plus he was a boy to boot. Approval is almost guaranteed if you’re not retarded or crippled or gay.
51 - Explain the state to us. You’ve already established an “R” rating.
54 - I don’t think he needs to draw his gun. Maybe just brush his coat away from his holster or grab Ashley real hard-like. An honorable cowpoke is a lot like a samurai. He don’t pull his weapon unless he aims to taste blood with it.
It’s kind of a shame that we have so much information about Owbridge. At this point we know what he wants, why he wants it, and that, despite living among outlaws, is probably still a good guy. On the other hand, we know much less about Ashley. Maybe he becomes the sinister one? What’s to stop him? We’ve established, perhaps, greed as his motivation? I hope my comments can illustrate how far you can push this from one side to the other.
Your twist does not matter to an audience at this point, nor will it matter to anyone until the final five minutes. I have to base the overall feeling of the script on the experience itself.
And it’s not so much as what happens between them as it is about scenes that happen away from them with Owbridge’s family members. They lessen what you can do.
54 - “faces parting the curtains in lamplit windows…”
That’s a paraphrase quote from “Blood Meridian”.
57 - See, that’s a great set of action lines there. Clean, precise and elegant.
68 - Great confrontation.
69 - Might want to make the extent of his wounds more apparent. Your description made me think of a head separating into pieces rather than a man who simply lost his jaw. It’s fucking terrible either way. Give us the ugliness of it all. Your audience can stomach it. The people who buy, produce or direct your script might relish it. No promises, of course.
Oh, ever read “Preacher”? I assume you’d dig it. Tanner is going to end up looking like Arseface after all of this. They even talk the same.
71 - I really like that scene. That moment.
73 - Try to describe how overmatched Ashley is?
90 - Great ending. Bleak but stellar. Hard sell maybe. “The Usual Suspects” never made anyone warm and fuzzy inside.
…
How does this all add up?
Good dialogue. Akin to a western and never too on the nose. I’m actually giving you the highest mark I can on your dialogue. You fall somewhere between good and excellent. I’m rounding up. I really loved it despite there not being a whole shit ton of subtext to sort through. You do a great job portraying backstory without it becoming too close to glaring exposition.
You’ve got good action line description. Great visuals. You don’t forget that your job as a screenwriter is to make a reader realize images in vivid detail. Always retain that sense. Plenty of folks forget that we’re telling a story through images and not just telling a story. Sergio Leone appreciated the poetry of the human face too. You can see where that got him. In fact, you wouldn’t have a feature length screenplay out of this material if you didn’t realize how powerful the sights around us are.
The true key to bringing back the western is in focusing on what you want to accomplish with it. You’ll always be writing, like, a post-western movie no matter what you do. You have to dramatize every aspect of your script, something you’ve done quite well, in order for several quiet, dialogue driven scenes to resonate on a big ass screen.
You’ve got a good sense of what makes a western truly dramatic. Thin horses. No food. Famine. Poverty. Death. Survival.
Think about the weather as a constant source of symbolism. The sky seemed to echo the tone in certain scenes. Why not most or all?
Ambiguity would be key here. That’s the entire story in a nutshell “You never know anyone”. Owbridge’s motivations and character should be heavily shrouded. Sure, he seems like a decent fellow, especially when decent fellas are few and far between, but we should always be unsure as to how decent he is. Much of the drama, tension and conflict will spring solely from the fact that you shouldn’t know if these two men will turn on each other at some point in their journey. I’d like it better if “Owbridge” unfolded as opposed to being laid out for us to see.
The brothers would be better served as just two dudes that are looking for him. When they leave Ashley’s mother you should make it unknown as to what state Ashley’s family was left in.
Too bad “Owbridge” didn’t have any reason to keep Ashley alive after he had his hands on a pistol and a shady tree…
I dunno. Don’t have much to complain about. I’m not going to think too much about this one. I liked it. Hit me back if you want to chat more.
Good luck and Cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Tom Waits - Going Out West
Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere
Grateful Dead - Box of Rain
Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Running Dry (Requiem For the Rockets)
Kings of Leon - Cold Desert read -
A review of The Bad Boy Of Rock And Rollby MSchmidt13 on 07/30/2010Aloha! I usually review any of the comedies that pertain to music that I am assigned. Why? Cause I think humans are musical creatures. Sooth the savage beast. You know… Nah, it’s cause it’s easier for me to give you an unofficial soundtrack when I wrap this thing up. However, this script is not really about music, is it? Nor is it a straight up comedy, something that I... Aloha!
I usually review any of the comedies that pertain to music that I am assigned. Why? Cause I think humans are musical creatures. Sooth the savage beast. You know…
Nah, it’s cause it’s easier for me to give you an unofficial soundtrack when I wrap this thing up.
However, this script is not really about music, is it? Nor is it a straight up comedy, something that I think you struggled with. Finding the right balance between romance and comedy will make this script stand out.
Alright, first thing is first. Grammar is important to me. Don’t get me wrong. The most important thing is the story. Then the story. Then the characters. Then maybe the visual images on the screen. I don’t know. Grammar is probably way down there on the list, sure, but you’re a writer. I expect you to know how to construct a complete sentence. I expect you to know the difference between “they’re” and “there”. Why? Because you need to look like you know what you’re doing. Plain and simple. Appear to be a master of your craft even if you are not.
Ah, the dickishness only begins here. Continue onwards…
I shall begin with my initial thoughts and notes.
1 - Too much wordiness. No “we hear” or “we see” or “we now hear”. We already know what we now see or hear because we are currently reading it and one can infer that pretty easily. “But the hook is…” is pretty unnecessary. “We know they know” - No. We don’t.
“This is better than sex for them” does not tell us anything. We can’t see in their heads. However, something more visually telling can be easily substituted in situations like this. Try something like “Their heads immediately perk up from their drinks. Harry’s performance mesmerizes them. They close their eyes and focus on the song. Their faces contort with ecstasy.” or any kind of shit like that.
In film, a visual medium, actions tell the story. Emotions can be hidden. Words can be untrue. Actions tell us who characters really are.
And CUT TO: and DISSOLVEs and all that is not needed in spec scripts either. Do it if you want but know that you are only wasting page space and annoying uppity nerds like me. Next time you watch a movie, try to count the number of cuts. There are thousands.
2 - “he looks like he’s having a good day”. What does that look like exactly? This is your job as a screenwriter. You have to paint a precise picture for us.
This paragraph says quite a bit to a reader but what does it say to someone that is viewing your film or, perhaps more importantly, someone who is taking your words and transferring them on screen? We’re not going to see that he is the nicest guy on the planet just because you tell us he is in an action line. We have to see him do nice things or hear him say nice things. Seeing is always better because people, even in movies, don’t have to tell the truth. Thus it is only by our actions, or even the lack thereof, that we are defined.
“and dammit if he’s not a bad rock singer…“ I see what you are doing and I enjoy the somewhat casual nature of it. Just try to meld your upbeat style with a sense of what is truly necessary in your action lines and you will be grand.
6 - Just because he’s talking to a dog doesn’t mean this isn’t lazy exposition. It helps, sure, but it’s still glaring exposition.
11 - Comedy is a fickle beast. How does one write a comedy? Who knows. Maybe you could just throw everything you got against the wall and see what sticks.
So, start throwing shit against the wall. Try to bring out the laughs in any potential rewrite.
This guy says “fortnight” and that’s it? where’s the joke? Where’s the punch line?
12 - I just got done listening to the album “Tommy” like ten minutes ago.
16 - “considering in the past he has hated agents”. How does that translate to an audience? They aren’t reading your script. They are reacting to an image on a movie screen. What have you shown or told us that would suggest Harry has hated agents in the past?
19 - How quickly what is moving? I thought it was a long car ride.
21 - I like the cold-calling scene. Reeks of authenticity. Puts us into the couple’s shoes very well.
22 - HIGH CLASS TITTY BAR will always strike me a bit of an oxymoron.
And, Jesus, is Harry really a total pussy or what? A vegetarian. Okay. Doesn’t drink. I get it. But shielding his eyes from the menu? He’s too modest to look at a pair of tits? Oi. Now humble is fine. He doesn’t have to be in his element. He doesn’t have to enjoy being here and motorboat every set of knockers he sees but he also doesn’t have to act like a naked stripper is a live fucking hand grenade either.
But don’t get me wrong, you’ve at least put an effort into creating his character. He’s just too much of a perfect, uber-nice guy for my tastes. He doesn’t really have any flaws does he? And being poor doesn’t count as a flaw despite what every ex-girlfriend has ever told me.
26 - A bad ass rock producer quoting “The Lion King” soundtrack? Might want to rethink that.
27 - Why do we have to know them soon? Why can’t I know them now?
30 - That’s racism. Let her move her own tables. No. No. I get it. He’s such a great guy and stuff…
31 - “Ossie” Osbourne? Seriously?
40 - “Screw the world before it screws you”. I love it.
47 - Seriously…?
It’s Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy.
51 - And “Alannah” Morisette? You do actually listen to music, right?
57 - Justin Timberlake gay jokes. Yawn. I do notice that you managed to spell the supposedly gay one’s name right.
61 - Sure, I talk to myself. But I’m not right in the head either. Characters talking to themselves in screenplays always reeks of soap opera to me.
78 - Why would not calling her be better than calling her? Because it’s convenient for the plot? This is a moment that I totally couldn’t believe. Harry, the perfect male, doesn’t try to apologize profusely to the person he cares most about in this world? Not even a heads up to let her know that he allegedly traded her in for a two dollar prostitute?
79 - If Harry doesn’t recognize her then why is she recognizable?
98 - “Just play something…” I agree. I can’t stand those preachy rock stars.
100 - Since this is basically a rom com, I wonder why you don’t have Harry say something to his girlfriend when he’s live on MTV. He has time to talk about the plights of pregnant whales n’ shit but he doesn’t want to do something dramatically “romantic” like professing his love in front of millions to try and get his girl back? He could just say something very simple like “This next song is for Kelly” before he performs his ballad.
…
So, how does it all add up?
The biggest problem for me, like I said, is the balance between romance and comedy. Dousing a car with literal bottles of alcohol and forcing Harry to cause an accident is a very crazy scene. Characters also quip like they are in a romcom and do some whacky things but there aren’t enough laughs per page and the gags do not stem from the plot for the most part. The aforementioned drinking and driving scene could be mined for further laughs and many additional humorous, conflict-driven scenes can rise out of the same ideas behind Morton‘s madness. Let’s see some of the insane things that Morton is willing to do to create negative press for his bad boy-in-training. Anything to add comedy.
If it’s a dramedy type thing then it needs more depth and a handful of fully dimensional characters. Certain scenes lack conflict and conflict is needed in every scene. Every scene has to turn and shift, flipping between the good and the bad. Too many happy two page paint swatch scenes or “Today Show” interviews that have no bearing on the plot and you will have a problem. Anything to add conflict.
Take a look at your midpoint and ask yourself where the drama is coming from. You introduce us to “The Trap” and use it as motivation for Harry to do what he does but as soon as he becomes Bentley The Trap is taken care of. You use the idea of Harry’s new career being a detriment to his relationship but his girlfriend is more than supportive of him as they spend scenes kissing and coming to pleasant compromises about color schemes. This creates a little dip in the middle of your movie.
There is plenty of room for satire here. The idea of an honest, anti-materialistic hippie getting sucked into the glossy, fake world of professional music is a great idea. Don’t rely on camera directions. Focus on the story and all of my small gripes are easily ignored. Just so long as the story grooves me.
You have a decent, ironic theme. Morton wants to bring back the originality of early rock n’ roll but in doing so he attempts to place a truly unique individual into a shitty little pre-packaged box. That could be a cool theme to expand on and play with.
Early on Harry is informed of various health and safety code violations. He’s all like “whatever”. Okay. Fine. But then he is offered money and fame, without any attempt by himself to accomplish this goal, and he’s all like “whatever”. Okay. Fine. But how about Harry shows some emotion or defines his own character a bit? If Harry has resisted representation for this long then why is he suddenly changing his tune now? Because he needs money. The Trap should be in danger. The animal shelter should be in peril. He needs help. He’s desperate. Show us that. Let us know that he has only one way out of this: his guitar. He has to sign with Morton. Even if we can sense that his gut is telling him not to. Anything to add drama. And conflict. And comedy.
Also, this movie should probably star a late nineties Brendan Frasier.
And that’s pretty much all I got. Please feel free to contact me further, as this review may make little actual sense. I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Good luck and cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Hendrix - Crosstown Traffic
The Who - Pinball Wizard
Maroon 5 - Not Coming Home
Motley Crue - Girls, Girls, Girls
The Who - Magic Bus (Live at Leeds)
The Black Keys - Tighten Up
Aero smith - No More, No More
The Allman Brothers - Done Somebody Wrong (Live At Fillmore East)
Hendrix - Castles Made of Sand read -
A review of Violaby MSchmidt13 on 03/25/2010Aloha, E.D.! You’ve got a weird one on your hands here but I’m a weird guy. I’d call this “Noir on acid”. I’ll begin with my thoughts and brief notes as I read. 5 - Apparently the Falcon has little time for horseshit. I can almost feel the noir atmosphere dripping off of this one. I thought the first ten pages were a bit vague but then I realized that’s just the whole script’s... Aloha, E.D.! You’ve got a weird one on your hands here but I’m a weird guy. I’d call this “Noir on acid”.
I’ll begin with my thoughts and brief notes as I read.
5 - Apparently the Falcon has little time for horseshit. I can almost feel the noir atmosphere dripping off of this one. I thought the first ten pages were a bit vague but then I realized that’s just the whole script’s modus operandi.
31 - Our audience doesn’t truly get an established protag and a mid to long term goal set up until now.
36 - He pulls that Tommy gun directly out of his own ass. The whole script felt more like a hallucination. A “silhouette man” that travels through shadows. A gaunt man injecting himself with green ooze. This is one trippy script.
42 - The problem with these monologues is that an audience is going to have to stare at a blank screen for forty-five seconds each time you do one.
50 - Not sure I know what just happened here.
61 - A better question would be how not why.
94 - The biggest problem with the storyline is that it keeps all of its mysteries heavily shrouded, too veiled to truly let an audience follow along. We don’t need a denouement at the end of our story, we need a competent detective that follows evidence and uncovers truths to establish a timeline of events and prove guilt or innocence.
Anytime your main character says “I don’t understand what’s going on.” you have a problem.
…
How does it all add up?
I never really understood the motivations of our antagonists, therefore I came out of this feeling like I didn’t truly understand the story.
On the plus side, It felt like a funhouse mirror version of a classically structured noir story. Almost like our lead character and his dame escaped from a Chandler novel and found themselves in a David Lynch movie. The antagonists felt more like living metaphors than actual characters.
Their dialogue is an interesting mish-mash of classic slang, contemporary phrases and economic and political ideals. The majority of the script relies more on exposition than action, which might need attention.
So, while it is stylistically intriguing, if you’re going for ultra-gritty realism, I didn’t feel that. The almost surreal nature of what happens around Detective Bill takes the story out of the real world. In the mental hospital sequences, for example, standard hospital operating procedure seemed anything but, with an emphasis on straight-jackets and electro-shock nightmares. I personally liked the dark, animated feeling but I’m not sure if the vibe is intentional or not.
The secret shadow organization’s structure is shaky. The evil plot is a bit unsure. Hank had Reams killed to what real end? To frame Birch? To set-up Falcon? Up to this point there isn’t any physical evidence to support this. The trail our detectives were on was pretty cold. The frame-up doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not sure what it accomplishes. To me, it seemed like the feud itself was the only goal and the people involved were little more than confused pawns on a chessboard.
A strong, permeating theme deals with economic ideologies of every kind. You elude to no answers, merely presenting character viewpoints. Birch’s organization seems to believe that capitalism is the birth right of every man because every man chooses exactly what is important in his own life.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way and get back at me if you want to discuss anything further.
Good luck with it and cheers!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Fred Astaire and Ray Noble - Nice Work If You Can Get It
Duke Ellington - Blue Skies
Thrice - Silhouette
Horace Henderson & His Orchestra - Kitty On the Toast
Girlyman - Viola
Denny Dennis and Roy Fox - They Can’t Take That Away From Me read -
A review of The Revenge Artist (4th Draft)by MSchmidt13 on 03/17/2010Aloha! I think you have a very strong screenplay here but I will do my best to violently dissect it. Let’s begin the carnage with the thoughts that I had as I read. Page 2 - I don’t want to try to play grammar police so I will get my obligatory suggestion to keep everything in present tense out of the way. “They’re totally plastered.” doesn’t work for my tastes. “It’s a... Aloha! I think you have a very strong screenplay here but I will do my best to violently dissect it. Let’s begin the carnage with the thoughts that I had as I read.
Page 2 - I don’t want to try to play grammar police so I will get my obligatory suggestion to keep everything in present tense out of the way.
“They’re totally plastered.” doesn’t work for my tastes. “It’s a generic conference room” - not only is that boring but it‘s not active. Screenplays are all about describing a moving image as it happens. How bout “An otherwise generic conference room features an ugly abstract painting…” etc. etc. etc.
Does that make sense? I digress.
5 - I wish you would set-up Eric in a grander fashion. Often when we are introduced to a character like this we get to watch them wrap up a current case, seeing the animal in its natural habitat, so to speak. Wouldn’t it be more fun to introduce him at the end of a long con on an unsuspecting mark? Show us what he does best.
15 - the post it note is and was. Make sense?
17 - Hey, Alan. Let me ask you a question. What is it that you do exactly?
18 - What does one expect? Maybe you could just describe to me what the office looks like.
19 - Nice enough for who? I’ll stop now.
The first thirty minutes is a bit dull. Some funny gags but where are the set pieces? Where are the trailer moments? You start to peak my interests around the 45 minute mark when we head to Wrigley Field. Get into the revenge as quick as you can.
Who cares if we like Brook right away? That’s boring. She just got cheated on again and she should be pissed. “Hell hath no fury…“ and all that jazz, you know? People make irrational decisions in that kind of state. This one ultimately leads to a chain of back and forth scheming, tormenting and payback. Spend those empty pages with hilarious cat-capturing sequences and equally outrageous plans to destroy Mark’s life.
You have a really great premise that you can squeeze a hell of a lot more juice out of. Give Brook some more layers. The outer layers I’m suggesting are rage and bitchiness. Let her evolve and change for the better. She should learn something in the end. “Dishes served cold aren’t worth cooking” or something cheesy like that. She says it herself, she’s a pushover. But she never meaningfully sheds that pushover cocoon and transcends into an enlightened butterfly.
Make sense? Probably not. Anyways…
How about… Stacey hooks her up with Eric’s number and Brook actively searches for a revenge artist. Eric doesn’t want any part of it. He’s done with that, ashamed of it even, and he calls her a crummy broad for even suggesting it. Add some conflict wherever you can, both internally and externally. Of course Eric is going to agree eventually because he needs the money or some other bullshit excuse but it can remain a consistent source of friction, something that our two leads might need more of.
26 - “Which crazy…” Good stuff. The dialogue is crisp throughout.
32 - “There’s surprising chemistry.” Nice try but you’ll have to do better than that. Create, siphon and channel that chemistry onto the screen. Don’t just remark about it within action description that no audience sitting in a theater will ever see.
46 - “It’s like a horrible cat orgy.” It is like a horrible cat orgy or is it a horrible cat orgy? I sure hope it truly is a horrible cat orgy because I find that image frightening hilarious and screaming to be shown to folks. I think you should explore this sequence a little more. I think it’d be great to see the two of them get into a silly slapstick montage while trying to rid the apartment of scurrying, defensive felines.
58 - Nice juxtaposition. Funny scene.
69 - Brook sounded very authentic and intelligently written here. This is the one moment in the script that I actually believed in her (or Mark’s) job as anything more than an unresearched formality.
88 - Am I the only one who wants to see an angry dolphin attack them? I’d love to watch Eric punch a dolphin in the face before he rescues Brook “Baywatch” style.
92 - I’d prefer Eric simply saying “You smell like fish.” and then they kiss. I digress.
Yeah, well, alright, whatever, but where’s the ultimate revenge? You can’t call a movie a revenge artist if you don’t let the artist paint his magnum opus masterpiece, can you?
…
So, how does this all add up?
“The Revenge Artist” needs more revenging.
I don’t watch stuff like “The Ugly Truth” but I do watch stuff like “Bringing Up Baby” and I can appreciate a good romcom if it doesn’t tread into “Notebook” territory.
You have a well-designed, simplistic structure but the story itself needs more bite. I don’t need crass, adolescent humor. I don’t need any of that slapstick shit I suggested in my notes. I demand only one thing: Balls. Not testicles. Balls. Cajones.
Get mean. Brook is such a pussy! I want strong protagonists that have their fortitude tested and validated. I want them to become even stronger and more resolute in the end. Who cares if she’s a chick? Does she have to be such a delicate flower? Scared to get on a friggin’ boat? Sheesh, woman!
If you want her to start out as a pussy pushover and end her off as a chick who finally grows a pair then I’m all for it but I didn’t really see a strong change in her role to support this. I didn’t see much change from anyone.
There’s just not much more than surface value to all of the characters. Stereotypical best friends? Check and check. Adequate male love interest? Check. Blindly unfaithful ex-boyfriend? Check.
We have a demeanor and we have a true nature behind that demeanor. How about Eric is the only guy that she can let herself be afraid around? She refuses to go on his boat at first because she would lose control of the situation and be forced to face a closely guarded fear. She’d never let Mark take her to the beach but she lets Eric take her for a cruise even though she’s always been terrified of the ocean. I don’t know. I’m just talking out of my ass here but all of this bullshit is stuff you can consider if it rings true in any way.
A good story is like a person. Everyone has the same skeleton. Once you start to pack on muscle and fat and skin and hair and cartilage the person takes shape and the skeleton, for all story purposes, hides underneath. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to spend as much time showing us the skeleton. Show us the meat. Give this screenplay some fat. A strong concept needs to be explored and mined.
Nothing below average in any way. You get a couple above average marks from me.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way and please don’t hesitate to contact me further if I can clarify or assist you in any way.
Cheers and good luck!
UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK
Say Anything - Total Revenge
Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Brokenhearted
Television - Marquee Moon
CCR - I Heard It Through the Grapevine
The Unicorns - I Was Born (A Unicorn)
Gregg Allman - These Days
Frank Sinatra - For Once In My Life read
Comments About MSchmidt13 118
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nick74 on 05/02/2011
DAMMIT! Why didn't I think of the AT-AT? -
A.Tarkovsky on 03/17/2011
You're welcome Mike, it was a pleasure reviewing your screenplay, i liked it very much and i took "Fleas" to review without assignment as i like your writing and wish to read a story like that.
Best of all -
dbenamor on 01/16/2011
Hi Mike,
I should be in LA mid-Feb to early March. I'll be there for 2 weeks visiting apartments and such from Feb 6th-18th.
Check out my editing reel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TU28zz3lgM
My contact info is at the end of it, either way give me a ring if you're in Cali, it'd be nice to chat with a fellow writer/director.
Cheers
Dan B -
capper on 01/03/2011
Aloha and thanks for your 2nd review.
I like the Walmart thing with the themes and will definitely use that in my next revision! Your suggestion about Chubby possibly screwing the gang over is good too and I will try and work that in also.
Hopefully you get my next revision assigned, if it goes the way it looks like it's gonna go, it will be changed quite a bit.
Thanks again, mate.
Daniel -
capper on 01/01/2011
Looks like it's back in!
Please review whenever you want. I gotta get to twenty so I can delete one particular review that's killing my ranking! -
capper on 12/11/2010
It's changed quite a lot since you reviewed it, so it's up to you man. -
capper on 12/10/2010
Oh, and he likes the logline because he's the genius that helped me with it! -
capper on 12/10/2010
Thanks for the review, man, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Most of the issues you mentioned are being worked on for my third revision, but you have mentioned a couple more I will look into.
Cheers!
PS: I'd love for you to read my latest version of Monster Mash. It's changed heaps since you read it. I can return the favour if you want. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/08/2010
ho, ho, ho. whiskey drinking santa? LOVE IT! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/17/2010
That's fucked up. A screenplay with a 100 "fucks" in it deserves a review with a few "fucks" in it.
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Comments About MSchmidt13 118
-
Quote
DAMMIT! Why didn't I think of the AT-AT?
-
Quote
You're welcome Mike, it was a pleasure reviewing your screenplay, i liked it very much and i took "Fleas" to review without assignment as i like your writing and wish to read a story like that.
-
Quote
Hi Mike,
+ more commentsnick74 on 05/02/2011
A.Tarkovsky on 03/17/2011
Best of all
dbenamor on 01/16/2011
I should be in LA mid-Feb to early March. I'll be there for 2 weeks visiting apartments and such from Feb 6th-18th.
Check out my editing reel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TU28zz3lgM
My contact info is at the end of it, either way give me a ring if you're in Cali, it'd be nice to chat with a fellow writer/director.
Cheers
Dan B