a screenplay
by MSeyf
The Iranian-American family, of an exile turned crime-boss unravels, when his estranged son, a recently discharged... more
MSeyf
member since 12/22/2009 |
last login 05/24/2013
I try hard to write good. http://maxthewriter.blogspot.com/...
Bio
I try hard to write good. http://maxthewriter.blogspot.com/
Submissions by MSeyf
Reviews by MSeyf 18
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A review of 13-Romeoby MSeyf on 06/10/2011Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded. There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity. The structure... Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded.
There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity.
The structure with the drama type flashbacks interspersed with the ever mounting tension of the present day siege unfolding works really really well.
It allows you to have a break neck action movie that doesn’t need to stop to flesh out it’s characters, and as the tension and drama of the siege unfold we are given more and more character detail and therefore given more and more reasons to care about Shep and to want to know how and if he'll make it through his last day on the job.
One critism I’ll level is the department of character description. You throw alot of characters at us and at times there isn’t enough in the way of distinct voices to help us pick them apart. A few more sentences just to set up the different characters as easily identified archtypes I think would help. Think of how everyone in the Shield’s cast is really easily distingusable with just a handful of visual and dialogue quirks. I think adding a bit more colour/quirks to the supporting characters would help here too.
Parts of the present day scenes really reminded me of all the pre bus stuff in the first Speed. Really dramatic and tense in all the right ways. The flashback structure is risky in this type of movie and I think at present it works really good but there is a disconnect that stops it being quite as great as it could be.
Now I’ve got a somewhat controversial issue and also a controversial suggested solution to it. Part of my problem for me was the disconnect between the flashbacks and the unfolding siege. I kept waiting for them to link up and while they 'kinda' do, those links come very late in the day. It does build up nicely to the emotional punch of the ending and the 'guy’s who don’t come home from their shift theme' of the movie but for long stretches I was struggling to really get into the present day stuff and to link it all together. And I think the absence of Amy was the problem. Now had Amy somehow been in building in which the siege unfolded, somehow one of the hostages? Maybe Resneck has taken hostages that are in a press core in the bid to gain publicity for his cause/grudge? I dunno. But I think involving Amy in the siege somehow would help to unite the drama and action aspects better? So as we learn about the estranged relationship between Shep and Amy we'd get to see and become increasingly invested in Shep’s increasingly desperate attempts to save HER from the threat. And the couple would get an emotional good bye in the finale. That way in the end his sacrifice has that much more of an emotional punch? Sort of like the first Die Hard if John had died to save his wife type deal. Of course you lose some really neat stuff and specially the neat ‘sorry I didn’t return from my shift’ ending that you have. But I just feel like at present there isn’t a clear enough link between the romantic story and the action siege for long stretches and I think putting Amy into the middle of the siege somehow would be an idea for addressing the disconnect?
Don’t get me wrong I had a blast reading the screenplay and both strands of it work really well independently of one another. Another minor gripe was Shep’s lack of development, which isn’t such a problem in an action movie but sits a little more uneasy in a drama/romance context. He’s kinda stoic and saintly throughout and I didn’t get enough of sense of an inner struggle about him. I wanted him more torn between duty to the force and duty to Amy kinda thing.
I dunno so much of it works so well it’s really hard to put my finger on the disconnect. I think it’s got something to do with Amy’s absence in the siege stuff. Also, Resneck could maybe mirror Shep more? We learn too little too late about why Resneck is doing what he’s doing and I felt it kinda weakened the present day siege segment of the story. Since for alot of the time it's just another (albeit) tougher final day job for Shep.
It’s kinda like all the drama and emotion is in the flashbacks and all the action is in the present day story and somehow addressing this disparity I think will make the difference between making a very good SP into a potentially great one.
Sorry it’s all a bit vague. But anyway best of luck with it and thanks for writing such a barnstorming screenplay. read -
A review of The Professorby MSeyf on 05/25/2011First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea. One... First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea.
One problem that I think isn’t an issue of personal preference is the general lack of conflict. Which is strange because given the UK/USA dynamic and the age gap. I feel there were plenty of missed opportunities to have conflict fuelling the drama/romance.
Peter starts the story just sort of mildly out of sorts rather than at his lowest possible ebb. He came across as pathetic and unsympathetic and as a guy I couldn’t really relate to his self pitying nature. I found myself wondering what Poppy (who seemed far too cool by comparison) even saw the bumbling old mess. I didn’t really get a sense that he deserved to become the subject of Poppy’s affections quiet as suddenly and as easily as he did. And what’s more he didn’t really address his general lameness once he was with her. Their relationship seemed to flourish despite his faults and flaws.
There wasn’t really a sense of conflict or tension, either present or pending. It was all a bit too breezy - till the ex wife showed up. I don’t think the time skips help this. As they come rather abruptly and take us out of the intimacy it takes to make this kind of story flow and work. The couple kinda flourish in a bubble, and i think that something of a missed opportunity for comedy and drama. Taking each member of the couple out of their element, for example; Poppy takes Peter to rock gig or a burlesque strip show? While Peter takes Poppy to a book club full of boring married folks that makes her stomach turn or he takes her to a British pub to watch soccer games which she struggles to follow or understand? There were loads of potential bumps on the road like this that could have help layer the contrasts between the two of them and fleshed them both out as contrasting conflicting personalities.
Those are just some general ideas of what I mean by conflict and tension. Not necessarily have the two of them flying into arguments and wrestling on the floor as it’s far too subtle a type of story to require that kinda stuff. But rather subtle hints and clues of troubles to come, or cracks in the blissfully surface of their relationship. There are obvious places to start, generational and cultural conflicts.
As it stands the return of the wife is a massive curveball. It’s abrupt. And it makes the already unsympathetic Peter even more obnoxious, (atleast in my eyes). Having scored Poppy’s heart without really deserving to he proceeds to drive a knife through it because he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his domineering wife? He’s a hard guy to root for. But then again her love for him kinda undermines her, she’s too smart and too cool to be into this guy i kept telling myself.
And I didn’t get the sense that I was supposed to feel this way about him. Perhaps a key might be to really amp up his alcoholism and initial despair (Leaving Las Vegas –style). So that he’s a guy about to go off the edge of a cliff rather than what he is presently, which is kinda a self pitying loser/man child that scores a hottie he doesn’t deserve then breaks her heart for no good reason. I’d suggest a more meaty and compelling hook that draws her to him. More than that he’s just kinda 'broken' and needs nursemaid to fit him.
At the end of it Peter was just too pathetic and too needy. I wanted to slap the guy. All he seems to do to Poppy is feed her insecurity. He constantly tells her she’s talented and that seems to be enough for her to forgive him his countless and significant flaws and to pine after him once he’s gone? In the end she’s a success as an artist REGARDLESS of her involvement with Peter. I needed more of a connection between her ‘heartbreak’ and her ‘art’/success. If being with Peter inspired and fuelled her work somehow? In the end she doesn’t need Peter in order to succeed, he starts the story with the same ‘talent’ she ends it with. All Peter does is tell her he’s talented over and over.
I think you kinda need to go back through break down exactly what each character’s INNER NEED is and then work out how the relationship between them, both holds them back from and/or pushes them towards those different inner needs that define them. Easier said than done of course.
Also there are too many songs in it! I’m not gonna to do what alot of reviews will do and just bash you for using songs in your screenplay that need to be rights cleared. But in this case you literally have almost every other scene punctuated by some track or another. This problem is compounded by the fact that in several instance you are relying on the actual specific song lyrics to do the dramatic heavy lifting, to literally communicate the meaning or inner emotional turmoil of a given character. That’s problematic for a number of reasons, not least because any producer might struggle to secure a specific song and if a substitute song would undermine or change the meaning or impact of a scene totally, then you got a problem there.
Ultimately my main issue was that the characters ended up unsympathetic. Like I said Peter has few redeeming qualities, and Poppy loses credibility for falling for him like she does. Then Peter’s wife is an out and out bitch who Peter just doesn’t have the balls to stand up to. Peter’s second act ‘search for Poppy’ doesn’t quiet work, mostly it’s because he’s decided he wants to be with her already. There is no love rival, no alternative guy or anything, he’s arced too soon decided he loves her and wants her and just needs to go find her. It’s a treasure hunt where it should be an emotional pay off, laced with uncertainty and will she won't she. We know she loves him, we know he loves her, it's a tension/drama killer in the final furlong.
I wish I had more to offer. Ultimately is a really hard type of story to pull off. Props for getting the job done and good luck on the re- writes.
Breakdown:
First 10- Good tone. Sense that this script kinda knows what it is. Some of the action passages could do with being trimmed down.
P15 UK addresses don’t tend to have such large numbers. If it’s a sub section of a larger building it’ll more likely be something like Flat 4, Pinegree Lane. London. NW 1. For example.
P18 At this point I m thinking Peter’s really quiet pathetic. It’s getting hard to stay sympathetic towards him.
P28 The cultural differences between Peter and Poppy feel all too superficial. Try to use conversations about things like that to convey other deeper things in the subtext.
P28 this feels very abrupt. We don’t really have enough reason to like Peter. Up to this point he’s been pathetic, so the sex scene feels kinda like a pathetic man taking advantage of an insecure vulnerable girl.
P30-cultural differences stuff needs to be expanded. It’s a great source of conflict that’s squandered in the present draft. It seems reduces to quirks of manner and attitude rather than being a fundamental source of contrast or conflict between the couple.
P60 – revelations come too thick and fast here.
P64 – the characters (esp Poppy) have a snarky way of talking about themselves that doesn’t quiet work for me atleast.
P66 – I don’t really like this kinda political point scoring. It feels out of place and it’s kinda a cheap gag that risks making half your audience laugh and the other half grimace.
P69- again with the purple prose from Poppy. The character has this habit of narrating her own situation/s and thought – i think you a treading a tight rope. Some times this kinda stuff can appear quirky post modern and ironic, a la Juno...but at other times and especially for an amateur writer, readers might assume this to be just plain old bad writing.
P82 – again there was no signposting of the threat to Peter’s job. Poppy occasionally threatened to grass him, but no outside source of conflict or sense that such a problem might arise prior to this.
P88- waay too late in the day to throw all these new characters into the mix imo.
P103- Angela’s lump of bald expo doesn’t work here. It’s feels like soliloquy we could do without.
P107- I have a hard time imagining Peter throwing a punch – lol. read -
A review of Aquarianna (v2)by MSeyf on 11/25/2010Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated... Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated by my desire to pinpoint and expose problems and suggest potential workable solutions to them, if my tone comes across heavy handy apologies in advance. I’m a Brit (we’re stiff assed that way or so I’m told – expect the worst lol.)…
Concept
I’m not sure what the concept is exactly. Little Mermaid meets the 20’000 leagues? It's stuck between far too many different kinds of stories. There is 'a save the mermaid' free willy type thing that to my mind sits uneasily alongside the seafaring treasure-hunting sea monster killing kinda stuff that’s more traditionally what you’d expect from this genre. Can it work? Maybe. Does it right now? No. What’s the macguffin? Is it the mermaid? The medallion? What’s the goal? Get treasure? Kill monster? Find the sweetheart?
Pulling off this kinda SP is a bitch.
You have 10-15 pages. In that 10-15 pages you need to Set up your fantasy/period world, the concept of it, it’s foundations, it’s history, it's rules and it's quirks. Then you need to introduce your protagonist (Luke the Tattooeen farmboy), set up the status quo ( Luke bored on Tattooeen- intergalactic oppression) and THEN create the incident (for example the now immortal hologram message: ‘Help me Obi Wan Kanobi, you re my only hope’- call to adventure) that turns this protagonist’s world entirely on it's head. That's ALOT of leg work. A ton of pipe to lay and you have to do it on the move without stalling the story to do so. To show not tell. How much of your world is like the real Victorian world (as it was) how much of it is fantastical? Set this up clearly so the audience knows where they stand.
Also the concept of whalers killing sea creatures for no particular reason is kinda outta whack in this modern era imo. The sea monsters at too close to ‘whales’ for comfort. Today where whales are endangered and most children outside of North Korea equate the term ‘whaler’ with evil bastard without a second thought. Something to consider.
Story
Crippled by the structural issues (more on this to follow). I was left detatched and emotionally unengaged when the action kicked off. It was unclear who was chasing after what and why we the audience were supposed to care about any of it?
Character
Far too many characters. Many of whom don’t contribute to the forward progress of the story at all. It’s hard to discuss the characters independent of structure since the structural issues undermine most of the characters and make them pointless or less compelling or whatever. What is the protagonist’s arc? He’s caught awkwardly between searching for a love lost at sea and seeking bloody minded vengeance? And his desire to save this mermaid is hardly noble either since it's to use her as bait? And then there is that treasure or lack thereof?
Everyone's motivations are muddled and confusing. Too many factions. And not enough clear tangable goals to anchor and guide the story. Or direct the audience’s interest and engagement.
I don’t give a damn about that mermaid btw. She’s not a character. She’s a mute but also totally devoid of any sort of personality. She’s a static plot goal/maccguffin stuck in a fish tank. What’s more the protagonist’s motivation to save her is related to his cynical desire to use her to get revenge. Also why she is definitely going to serve as bait for the sea creature anyway? Isn’t clear. Why not make her look exactly like the lost girlfriend?- but with a fish’s tail or something? So that the connection is obvious/clear. And ‘how on earth did my long lost girlfriend BECOME a mermaid…’ becomes the central mystery DRIVING the protagonist along with… ‘I gotta save her’? Give the other supporting characters ANOTHER different reason to want to free the mermaid. i.e to use her to lead them to treasure or to a monster they want revenge on or something. So that protagonist goes along with them but has a different agenda that’s related to HIS individual fatal flaw of his lost love and his inner goal of resolving her loss? This will create tension within the crew and improve the story imo.
Also poor poor Ardan. He defends his home (the sea) kills whalers that intrude on it. And is then murdered when one whaler’s son comes back and throws a spear through his heart? And we’re supposed to be on the damn kid’s side and cheer about this?
Structure
Right out of the block your race car stalls. Kill the love interest OR the father, not both in quick succession back to back like you do.
We don’t have enough time to care about either character. Your protagonist has 10 years. For the audience it’s the next scene.
If you must kill both (father and sweetheart) at the start, then kill both during the SAME single incident (I'd advise against that too tho). At present the script essentially has two back to back totally different inciting incidents that detract and undermine each other. One sets up a love story the other a moby dick-style revenge. If you have to kill the father too do it much much later. Well into act two at the ‘all is lost’, by which point we might know him and the protagonist’s relationship to him enough to give a damn.
Think of it as Luke Skywalker’s uncle dies (early on-point of no return - no one really cares - but it's the call to adventure)….Then about an hour and a half later just before the finale is set up… the mentor/ master Obi Wan dies (everyone loves him, kids cry etc). That’s how it’s done. Because that’s how it works.
Dialogue-
Too much on the nose expo. Various characters have a tendency to state their motivations and emotions literally. But again the problems with the motivations are fundamental and at the level of structure which is why I think characters end up reminding us and themselves of what these are in on the nose fashion all the time.
OVERALL
As a big fan of Moby Dick/20kleagues/Jules/HG Wells/Atlantis and all that stuff I really wanted to like this. But the structure is imo in need of a fundamental rethink. Sorry I don’t have more positives to add. Hope this helps one way or another with the rewrite and best of luck.
Page by Page
P1-10 – Nice story book feel to it so far.
P13 Very on the nose outburst about the father. Find another more subtle way of showing this loss.
P10-13 The protagonist has sustained to huge emotional hits before we’ve had enough time to give a damn about the guy.
P15 -17 Structural problems. Two massive tragedies back to back one in flashback.
P17 Too many characters have come and gone already. Who is who?
P20 This dirty dozen stuff doesn’t quiet work. Who are these people? Why should I care?
P31-35 The treasure issue is raised as too much of an afterthought. To the pirates/crew at least it should be the main and only motivation for the proposed misadventure.
P 35 You might want to check this but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a country called Senegal as such in 1850 but a collection of chiefdoms locked in combat with each other and with colonial oppressors. I think modern Senegal was created in the 1960s?
P40 trim this dialogue it rambles.
P41 very on the nose. The protagonist is explaining his motivation as it should only appear on the writer’s character sheets and bios.
P57 This stuff is coming into it FAR too late. This stuff belongs in the first ten pages or as near to them as you can get it. Think the Ark back story in Raiders.
P60 Suddenly real people from Brit period history arrive on the scene? This hasn’t really been signposted properly in advance.
P64 Blackwood has been away for what feels like forever. Forgot who he was.
P67 This business about the mermaid dying outside sea water feels like a contrivance.
P74 Make Aquarianna look exactly like a mermaid version of the missing girlfriend-and essentialy BE the same woman transformed or something like that. This love stuff is too little to late imo.
P91I’m feeling sorry for Ardan. Wondering what happened to the treasure? Why is this all boiled down to being only about revenge? read
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Submissions by MSeyf
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a screenplay by MSeyfThe Iranian-American family, of an exile turned crime-boss unravels, when his estranged son, a recently discharged... more
Reviews by MSeyf 18
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A review of 13-Romeoby MSeyf on 06/10/2011Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded. There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity. The structure... Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded.
There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity.
The structure with the drama type flashbacks interspersed with the ever mounting tension of the present day siege unfolding works really really well.
It allows you to have a break neck action movie that doesn’t need to stop to flesh out it’s characters, and as the tension and drama of the siege unfold we are given more and more character detail and therefore given more and more reasons to care about Shep and to want to know how and if he'll make it through his last day on the job.
One critism I’ll level is the department of character description. You throw alot of characters at us and at times there isn’t enough in the way of distinct voices to help us pick them apart. A few more sentences just to set up the different characters as easily identified archtypes I think would help. Think of how everyone in the Shield’s cast is really easily distingusable with just a handful of visual and dialogue quirks. I think adding a bit more colour/quirks to the supporting characters would help here too.
Parts of the present day scenes really reminded me of all the pre bus stuff in the first Speed. Really dramatic and tense in all the right ways. The flashback structure is risky in this type of movie and I think at present it works really good but there is a disconnect that stops it being quite as great as it could be.
Now I’ve got a somewhat controversial issue and also a controversial suggested solution to it. Part of my problem for me was the disconnect between the flashbacks and the unfolding siege. I kept waiting for them to link up and while they 'kinda' do, those links come very late in the day. It does build up nicely to the emotional punch of the ending and the 'guy’s who don’t come home from their shift theme' of the movie but for long stretches I was struggling to really get into the present day stuff and to link it all together. And I think the absence of Amy was the problem. Now had Amy somehow been in building in which the siege unfolded, somehow one of the hostages? Maybe Resneck has taken hostages that are in a press core in the bid to gain publicity for his cause/grudge? I dunno. But I think involving Amy in the siege somehow would help to unite the drama and action aspects better? So as we learn about the estranged relationship between Shep and Amy we'd get to see and become increasingly invested in Shep’s increasingly desperate attempts to save HER from the threat. And the couple would get an emotional good bye in the finale. That way in the end his sacrifice has that much more of an emotional punch? Sort of like the first Die Hard if John had died to save his wife type deal. Of course you lose some really neat stuff and specially the neat ‘sorry I didn’t return from my shift’ ending that you have. But I just feel like at present there isn’t a clear enough link between the romantic story and the action siege for long stretches and I think putting Amy into the middle of the siege somehow would be an idea for addressing the disconnect?
Don’t get me wrong I had a blast reading the screenplay and both strands of it work really well independently of one another. Another minor gripe was Shep’s lack of development, which isn’t such a problem in an action movie but sits a little more uneasy in a drama/romance context. He’s kinda stoic and saintly throughout and I didn’t get enough of sense of an inner struggle about him. I wanted him more torn between duty to the force and duty to Amy kinda thing.
I dunno so much of it works so well it’s really hard to put my finger on the disconnect. I think it’s got something to do with Amy’s absence in the siege stuff. Also, Resneck could maybe mirror Shep more? We learn too little too late about why Resneck is doing what he’s doing and I felt it kinda weakened the present day siege segment of the story. Since for alot of the time it's just another (albeit) tougher final day job for Shep.
It’s kinda like all the drama and emotion is in the flashbacks and all the action is in the present day story and somehow addressing this disparity I think will make the difference between making a very good SP into a potentially great one.
Sorry it’s all a bit vague. But anyway best of luck with it and thanks for writing such a barnstorming screenplay. read -
A review of The Professorby MSeyf on 05/25/2011First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea. One... First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea.
One problem that I think isn’t an issue of personal preference is the general lack of conflict. Which is strange because given the UK/USA dynamic and the age gap. I feel there were plenty of missed opportunities to have conflict fuelling the drama/romance.
Peter starts the story just sort of mildly out of sorts rather than at his lowest possible ebb. He came across as pathetic and unsympathetic and as a guy I couldn’t really relate to his self pitying nature. I found myself wondering what Poppy (who seemed far too cool by comparison) even saw the bumbling old mess. I didn’t really get a sense that he deserved to become the subject of Poppy’s affections quiet as suddenly and as easily as he did. And what’s more he didn’t really address his general lameness once he was with her. Their relationship seemed to flourish despite his faults and flaws.
There wasn’t really a sense of conflict or tension, either present or pending. It was all a bit too breezy - till the ex wife showed up. I don’t think the time skips help this. As they come rather abruptly and take us out of the intimacy it takes to make this kind of story flow and work. The couple kinda flourish in a bubble, and i think that something of a missed opportunity for comedy and drama. Taking each member of the couple out of their element, for example; Poppy takes Peter to rock gig or a burlesque strip show? While Peter takes Poppy to a book club full of boring married folks that makes her stomach turn or he takes her to a British pub to watch soccer games which she struggles to follow or understand? There were loads of potential bumps on the road like this that could have help layer the contrasts between the two of them and fleshed them both out as contrasting conflicting personalities.
Those are just some general ideas of what I mean by conflict and tension. Not necessarily have the two of them flying into arguments and wrestling on the floor as it’s far too subtle a type of story to require that kinda stuff. But rather subtle hints and clues of troubles to come, or cracks in the blissfully surface of their relationship. There are obvious places to start, generational and cultural conflicts.
As it stands the return of the wife is a massive curveball. It’s abrupt. And it makes the already unsympathetic Peter even more obnoxious, (atleast in my eyes). Having scored Poppy’s heart without really deserving to he proceeds to drive a knife through it because he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his domineering wife? He’s a hard guy to root for. But then again her love for him kinda undermines her, she’s too smart and too cool to be into this guy i kept telling myself.
And I didn’t get the sense that I was supposed to feel this way about him. Perhaps a key might be to really amp up his alcoholism and initial despair (Leaving Las Vegas –style). So that he’s a guy about to go off the edge of a cliff rather than what he is presently, which is kinda a self pitying loser/man child that scores a hottie he doesn’t deserve then breaks her heart for no good reason. I’d suggest a more meaty and compelling hook that draws her to him. More than that he’s just kinda 'broken' and needs nursemaid to fit him.
At the end of it Peter was just too pathetic and too needy. I wanted to slap the guy. All he seems to do to Poppy is feed her insecurity. He constantly tells her she’s talented and that seems to be enough for her to forgive him his countless and significant flaws and to pine after him once he’s gone? In the end she’s a success as an artist REGARDLESS of her involvement with Peter. I needed more of a connection between her ‘heartbreak’ and her ‘art’/success. If being with Peter inspired and fuelled her work somehow? In the end she doesn’t need Peter in order to succeed, he starts the story with the same ‘talent’ she ends it with. All Peter does is tell her he’s talented over and over.
I think you kinda need to go back through break down exactly what each character’s INNER NEED is and then work out how the relationship between them, both holds them back from and/or pushes them towards those different inner needs that define them. Easier said than done of course.
Also there are too many songs in it! I’m not gonna to do what alot of reviews will do and just bash you for using songs in your screenplay that need to be rights cleared. But in this case you literally have almost every other scene punctuated by some track or another. This problem is compounded by the fact that in several instance you are relying on the actual specific song lyrics to do the dramatic heavy lifting, to literally communicate the meaning or inner emotional turmoil of a given character. That’s problematic for a number of reasons, not least because any producer might struggle to secure a specific song and if a substitute song would undermine or change the meaning or impact of a scene totally, then you got a problem there.
Ultimately my main issue was that the characters ended up unsympathetic. Like I said Peter has few redeeming qualities, and Poppy loses credibility for falling for him like she does. Then Peter’s wife is an out and out bitch who Peter just doesn’t have the balls to stand up to. Peter’s second act ‘search for Poppy’ doesn’t quiet work, mostly it’s because he’s decided he wants to be with her already. There is no love rival, no alternative guy or anything, he’s arced too soon decided he loves her and wants her and just needs to go find her. It’s a treasure hunt where it should be an emotional pay off, laced with uncertainty and will she won't she. We know she loves him, we know he loves her, it's a tension/drama killer in the final furlong.
I wish I had more to offer. Ultimately is a really hard type of story to pull off. Props for getting the job done and good luck on the re- writes.
Breakdown:
First 10- Good tone. Sense that this script kinda knows what it is. Some of the action passages could do with being trimmed down.
P15 UK addresses don’t tend to have such large numbers. If it’s a sub section of a larger building it’ll more likely be something like Flat 4, Pinegree Lane. London. NW 1. For example.
P18 At this point I m thinking Peter’s really quiet pathetic. It’s getting hard to stay sympathetic towards him.
P28 The cultural differences between Peter and Poppy feel all too superficial. Try to use conversations about things like that to convey other deeper things in the subtext.
P28 this feels very abrupt. We don’t really have enough reason to like Peter. Up to this point he’s been pathetic, so the sex scene feels kinda like a pathetic man taking advantage of an insecure vulnerable girl.
P30-cultural differences stuff needs to be expanded. It’s a great source of conflict that’s squandered in the present draft. It seems reduces to quirks of manner and attitude rather than being a fundamental source of contrast or conflict between the couple.
P60 – revelations come too thick and fast here.
P64 – the characters (esp Poppy) have a snarky way of talking about themselves that doesn’t quiet work for me atleast.
P66 – I don’t really like this kinda political point scoring. It feels out of place and it’s kinda a cheap gag that risks making half your audience laugh and the other half grimace.
P69- again with the purple prose from Poppy. The character has this habit of narrating her own situation/s and thought – i think you a treading a tight rope. Some times this kinda stuff can appear quirky post modern and ironic, a la Juno...but at other times and especially for an amateur writer, readers might assume this to be just plain old bad writing.
P82 – again there was no signposting of the threat to Peter’s job. Poppy occasionally threatened to grass him, but no outside source of conflict or sense that such a problem might arise prior to this.
P88- waay too late in the day to throw all these new characters into the mix imo.
P103- Angela’s lump of bald expo doesn’t work here. It’s feels like soliloquy we could do without.
P107- I have a hard time imagining Peter throwing a punch – lol. read -
A review of Aquarianna (v2)by MSeyf on 11/25/2010Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated... Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated by my desire to pinpoint and expose problems and suggest potential workable solutions to them, if my tone comes across heavy handy apologies in advance. I’m a Brit (we’re stiff assed that way or so I’m told – expect the worst lol.)…
Concept
I’m not sure what the concept is exactly. Little Mermaid meets the 20’000 leagues? It's stuck between far too many different kinds of stories. There is 'a save the mermaid' free willy type thing that to my mind sits uneasily alongside the seafaring treasure-hunting sea monster killing kinda stuff that’s more traditionally what you’d expect from this genre. Can it work? Maybe. Does it right now? No. What’s the macguffin? Is it the mermaid? The medallion? What’s the goal? Get treasure? Kill monster? Find the sweetheart?
Pulling off this kinda SP is a bitch.
You have 10-15 pages. In that 10-15 pages you need to Set up your fantasy/period world, the concept of it, it’s foundations, it’s history, it's rules and it's quirks. Then you need to introduce your protagonist (Luke the Tattooeen farmboy), set up the status quo ( Luke bored on Tattooeen- intergalactic oppression) and THEN create the incident (for example the now immortal hologram message: ‘Help me Obi Wan Kanobi, you re my only hope’- call to adventure) that turns this protagonist’s world entirely on it's head. That's ALOT of leg work. A ton of pipe to lay and you have to do it on the move without stalling the story to do so. To show not tell. How much of your world is like the real Victorian world (as it was) how much of it is fantastical? Set this up clearly so the audience knows where they stand.
Also the concept of whalers killing sea creatures for no particular reason is kinda outta whack in this modern era imo. The sea monsters at too close to ‘whales’ for comfort. Today where whales are endangered and most children outside of North Korea equate the term ‘whaler’ with evil bastard without a second thought. Something to consider.
Story
Crippled by the structural issues (more on this to follow). I was left detatched and emotionally unengaged when the action kicked off. It was unclear who was chasing after what and why we the audience were supposed to care about any of it?
Character
Far too many characters. Many of whom don’t contribute to the forward progress of the story at all. It’s hard to discuss the characters independent of structure since the structural issues undermine most of the characters and make them pointless or less compelling or whatever. What is the protagonist’s arc? He’s caught awkwardly between searching for a love lost at sea and seeking bloody minded vengeance? And his desire to save this mermaid is hardly noble either since it's to use her as bait? And then there is that treasure or lack thereof?
Everyone's motivations are muddled and confusing. Too many factions. And not enough clear tangable goals to anchor and guide the story. Or direct the audience’s interest and engagement.
I don’t give a damn about that mermaid btw. She’s not a character. She’s a mute but also totally devoid of any sort of personality. She’s a static plot goal/maccguffin stuck in a fish tank. What’s more the protagonist’s motivation to save her is related to his cynical desire to use her to get revenge. Also why she is definitely going to serve as bait for the sea creature anyway? Isn’t clear. Why not make her look exactly like the lost girlfriend?- but with a fish’s tail or something? So that the connection is obvious/clear. And ‘how on earth did my long lost girlfriend BECOME a mermaid…’ becomes the central mystery DRIVING the protagonist along with… ‘I gotta save her’? Give the other supporting characters ANOTHER different reason to want to free the mermaid. i.e to use her to lead them to treasure or to a monster they want revenge on or something. So that protagonist goes along with them but has a different agenda that’s related to HIS individual fatal flaw of his lost love and his inner goal of resolving her loss? This will create tension within the crew and improve the story imo.
Also poor poor Ardan. He defends his home (the sea) kills whalers that intrude on it. And is then murdered when one whaler’s son comes back and throws a spear through his heart? And we’re supposed to be on the damn kid’s side and cheer about this?
Structure
Right out of the block your race car stalls. Kill the love interest OR the father, not both in quick succession back to back like you do.
We don’t have enough time to care about either character. Your protagonist has 10 years. For the audience it’s the next scene.
If you must kill both (father and sweetheart) at the start, then kill both during the SAME single incident (I'd advise against that too tho). At present the script essentially has two back to back totally different inciting incidents that detract and undermine each other. One sets up a love story the other a moby dick-style revenge. If you have to kill the father too do it much much later. Well into act two at the ‘all is lost’, by which point we might know him and the protagonist’s relationship to him enough to give a damn.
Think of it as Luke Skywalker’s uncle dies (early on-point of no return - no one really cares - but it's the call to adventure)….Then about an hour and a half later just before the finale is set up… the mentor/ master Obi Wan dies (everyone loves him, kids cry etc). That’s how it’s done. Because that’s how it works.
Dialogue-
Too much on the nose expo. Various characters have a tendency to state their motivations and emotions literally. But again the problems with the motivations are fundamental and at the level of structure which is why I think characters end up reminding us and themselves of what these are in on the nose fashion all the time.
OVERALL
As a big fan of Moby Dick/20kleagues/Jules/HG Wells/Atlantis and all that stuff I really wanted to like this. But the structure is imo in need of a fundamental rethink. Sorry I don’t have more positives to add. Hope this helps one way or another with the rewrite and best of luck.
Page by Page
P1-10 – Nice story book feel to it so far.
P13 Very on the nose outburst about the father. Find another more subtle way of showing this loss.
P10-13 The protagonist has sustained to huge emotional hits before we’ve had enough time to give a damn about the guy.
P15 -17 Structural problems. Two massive tragedies back to back one in flashback.
P17 Too many characters have come and gone already. Who is who?
P20 This dirty dozen stuff doesn’t quiet work. Who are these people? Why should I care?
P31-35 The treasure issue is raised as too much of an afterthought. To the pirates/crew at least it should be the main and only motivation for the proposed misadventure.
P 35 You might want to check this but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a country called Senegal as such in 1850 but a collection of chiefdoms locked in combat with each other and with colonial oppressors. I think modern Senegal was created in the 1960s?
P40 trim this dialogue it rambles.
P41 very on the nose. The protagonist is explaining his motivation as it should only appear on the writer’s character sheets and bios.
P57 This stuff is coming into it FAR too late. This stuff belongs in the first ten pages or as near to them as you can get it. Think the Ark back story in Raiders.
P60 Suddenly real people from Brit period history arrive on the scene? This hasn’t really been signposted properly in advance.
P64 Blackwood has been away for what feels like forever. Forgot who he was.
P67 This business about the mermaid dying outside sea water feels like a contrivance.
P74 Make Aquarianna look exactly like a mermaid version of the missing girlfriend-and essentialy BE the same woman transformed or something like that. This love stuff is too little to late imo.
P91I’m feeling sorry for Ardan. Wondering what happened to the treasure? Why is this all boiled down to being only about revenge? read -
A review of People Who Love Peopleby MSeyf on 07/24/2010People who love people – CONCEPT Wow. Yes. The set up is superb. Only critism I’d level at it is that while the world of the story is wonderfully realises there are many competing themes and sentiments. It’s not a problem, I loved the Watchman movie (and comic) for example, but competing themes tend to challenge and consequent turn off a lot of people. That’s something to... People who love people –
CONCEPT
Wow. Yes. The set up is superb. Only critism I’d level at it is that while the world of the story is wonderfully realises there are many competing themes and sentiments. It’s not a problem, I loved the Watchman movie (and comic) for example, but competing themes tend to challenge and consequent turn off a lot of people. That’s something to be aware of if indeed engaging ‘lots of people’ is a concern or consideration of yours.
CHARACTER
On the whole very good. Distinct voices by and large. Voice over stuff works very well. Jules is an appealing lead role i think. When it comes to voices and narration we actually don’t get too confused (apart from when that’s your intention), and this is down to the distinct and well realised characters that populate the script.
STORY
Bulletproof first ten. Budget concerns not withstanding. As it progresses things unravel in ways that tax and challenge the audience. You refuse to tie things in bows and resolve mysteries and questions in conventional ways. As a writer it’s inspiring stuff. But I’m conscious of the fact that you have a very particular kind of viewer/reader in mind and I might well be your huckleberry here, which again makes objective evaluation tricky for me I’m afraid.
DIALOGUE
Good voices. Love the mix of period detail and nuances with the outright bizarre. If anything could do with more of the alternate history stuff. I want to know what’s going on in the mainland too. What else is different about the world what remains the same?
STRUCUTRE
You really know what you are doing, and pull off some audacious stuff very effectively. Of course you’re style is going to inspire alot of bad TS scripts from beginners without your skills and imagination to match yours but that’s not your problem. ;) You know what your doing enough to play free and easy with structure and get away with it. The way stories from different perspective and points of view bleed into one another really for me recalls James Ellroy (with tentacles) Or Burroughs. It really dig it, but at the same time I know many won’t.
OVERALL
Truely great stuff. Lots going on, wild images. I love the world you set up with this. We need that voice over and it guides us through your set ups very well.
Let’s get one thing out of the way off the bat... we are talking mega budget Spec with a limited mainstream audience appeal. I’m sure you know that already. That’s evident 10 pages in. Maybe you don’t care? From a production point of view I think that in order to move this project forward your best bet would be to hire an accomplished comic book artist with a style that complements your vision. Supply that artist with as much photo/comic/visual reference material as you can oversee the process collaboratively and produce a serviceable graphic novel that reflects your vision fairly. Get that published. I think without a demonstrable and significant existing audience such a project from a commercial stand point will be a next to impossiable sell as a wide spec. Motion comics are another option worth looking into, where you could self produce/publish a visual representation of your movie at a comparatively modest personal cost. A proof of concept which you can use to start the ball rolling on a live action feature? Alternatively here’s a curve ball for you ... videogame script. I know I’d love monkeying around in a 3D Orange Island with the murder mystery plot serving as the games core plotline/spine? And alot of the world building issues you have cost wise with a feature won't apply when it comes to games. Any kind of world has to be built bottom up anyway for a game right? Again no idea how you’d go about pitching this to the relevant people but it’s an idea none the less.
Of course none of that has anything to do with the actual content of your screenplay per se. Which I loved. A vivid unique brilliantly realised world. It’s like James Ellroy Fritz Lang H.G Wells and William S Burroughs all got together one evening shared countless drinks and smokes and whatever else and this Screenplay was the result. A hell of a party. :)
Alot of the time you are writing your own rules with this thing. So it’s kinda of hard to review and evaluate your movie in relation to other scripts on TS or perhaps on the market or to other produced movies. You try and lot of audacious things, and you get away with most of them, on it’s own terms this Screenplay works.
In order for it to become a more commercially viable prospect there are a number of concessions you’d need to make one way or another. I personally feel that making any concessions in terms of content would betray what’s a wonderfully lucid and well imagined work, and I’d prefer to see you seek an alternative mode of production (graphic novel/motion comics/games etc) as a means by which to get your vision in tack to a broader audience from which you can secure the fanbase it would take to justify a full live action production of this scale.
You have a number of competing themes. That’s great in one sense because it makes the work rich, but on the other hand it makes it difficult to get a grasp on. Most people like simple answers, yet this is a movie that invites re-read/watches and alternative interpretations. Your alternate world isn’t a ‘single issue world’, like for example ‘Nazi occupied alternate Europe’ in the Fatherland. Instead yours is a broad canvas on which multiple themes, ideas, images and concerns compete for our attention. That's both a positive and a negative.
If you did pump for a self consciously more ‘commercial’ rewrite that more directly focused on the Air conspiracy plot strand I’d suggest the alternative title AIR-FAIR. If you also make this the name of Knox’s company. It’ll also encompasses your concept in a way that’s more direct and marketing friendly. Logline being...
‘In an alternative 1950s orange island where clean air is at a premium, a lowly cartoonist becomes one of an assorted array of suspects potentially responsible for the murder of the shady tycoon who provides it.’
If indeed that’s a way you want to go. I’m guessing it’s not.
Either way very best of luck with this thing. It deserves to get to a wider audience one way or another.
Notes by page
P1-10 Damn near Bullet proof. You take lots of liberties. Voice over, bags of expo but it all works.
P11 Jackie Miller’s false confession is a little too grim. Maybe instead have it unfold visually until the point where he unbuttons his fly then have the Dapper copper interject and telling it’s BS?
P25 Wow it’s porno time. I think it’s actually funnier and more subtle if this stuff is hinted at. Like maybe a rom-com is described with squid head tentecled man as the romantic lead? Actually hardcore sex here especially graphically depicted I fear would turn alot of people off. Fine line, you don’t want creepy rather than funny all of a sudden.
P26-8 I love this rashamon type multiple motive structure again brilliant stuff.
P37 This po-faced cludeo stuff is hilarious.
P40-1 I want to SEE this Rabbit story play out visually. You do so much of that in other points it’s seems odd that you don’t here. Maybe an animated series of cave paintings?
P57 Hilarious Wally story. Love it.
P58 Not a fan of a lot of Jackie’s dialogue for my tastes it just kinda goes too far without being funny enough to get away with it.
P70-78 Some great trippy imagery. But I think there is a bit to much acrobatics going on. You can only pull the rug out from under us so many times And i think for the first time it all gets a bit overwhelming around this point. Which makes the important plot revelations hard to get a handle on too.
P85 Brilliant stuff! Damn Rabbits! What does Rabbitese sound like though? hehe.
P97 I both love and hate the whole self conscious omniscient narration thing. The whole breaking the forth wall thing is something I tend to have mixed feelings about. Maybe one rule break too far? I dunno, Feels too much like you (writer) talking to us (reader/audience).
Either way best of luck with this. read -
A review of The Butterfly Casketby MSeyf on 07/22/2010Butterfly Casket – Okay firstly. Well done. I love the style and tone of the project and love what you are shooting for with it. In the interests of trying to push your rewrite to tap more of your idea’s potential I’m going to as critical as I can. Bear in mind it’s all intended to help. CONCEPT- It feels like a throwback to a by gone era of unapologetically fun children’s... Butterfly Casket –
Okay firstly. Well done. I love the style and tone of the project and love what you are shooting for with it. In the interests of trying to push your rewrite to tap more of your idea’s potential I’m going to as critical as I can. Bear in mind it’s all intended to help.
CONCEPT-
It feels like a throwback to a by gone era of unapologetically fun children’s romps of the 80s. The mood and tone recall lots of my favourite things from The Goonies, Jumanji to Monster House. The whole dream catcher motif is always one that really captures my imagination, and you’ve done plenty of interesting things with it here.
CHARACTER -
Too many for a kids flick if anything. Good cartoony fun feel to most of 'em. But Sophie didn't work for me.
STORY-
Once it gets going however there a handful of problems that come to the surface. After a great opening for the first 30 or so pages after it’s unclear where we are going. Jimmy just goes to school meets various people and establishes a predictable position as the new kid, bullied by the bullies and befriended by the smart ass miss fit girl. How all this is related to the knockabout fun with which the story started isn’t quiet clear for too long. What you need really to do over this period is weave in a self contained wammy that establishes the dream stealing element and theme and macguffin. We need for the rules of your dream world to be set in stone nice and early. So that we can grasp the stakes once the surreal dream chase stuff starts. You know like for example the nightmare on Elm street deal about ‘if you die in your dream you die for real’. We need to know how it works in the world of your story.fast. Otherwise we get lost when it gets going.
As it stands when you jump into this dream stuff suddenlly it’s a bit overwhelming and comes right out of left field.
DIALOGUE
I think the trick you are trying to pull off is very very hard. The very best pixar movies for example tread a very fine line, all the surface action and dialogue is super child friendly but ALL the subtext speaks to adults. It’s a bastard to pull off. You have to write two movies in one. And a great deal of your dialogue misses the mark or comes off either too adult or too kiddy. The majority of Sophie’s dialogue I’m afraid to say fell entirely flat and challenged my suspension of disbelief. 12 year olds simply don’t make those kinds of acute cultural references and observations. When they are smart for their age it’s usually in relation to their immediate environment and not the world at large, pop culture or ancient history.
For your rewrite try and insure everything spoken rings true from a child’s POV, and make sure ALL the subtext speaks to adults. Like I said it’s really hard to do that.
STRUCTURE
You have a great deal of scenes that work well individually and visually but alongside one another it all gets very messy very fast. The mystery surrounding what the Casket is and what it actually does isn’t revealed until page 70-something so we really spend most of movie with no idea what the hell is actually at stake. Further more during all these dream scenes we again don’t know what’s real and what isn’t, that wouldn’t be a problem per se accept we also don’t know what’s at stake either. And that is a major problem.
That stuff about the nightmare apocalypse comes totally out of the blue, and it’s scary we should know about it on page 1-10. It's like we learn what's at stake right before it's prevented.
I’d start with a prologue or something that literally STATES what the casket is or does Perhaps through a story narrated by the explorer to his hired help or something? For too long as it stands we don’t know enough about it.
Establish the stakes as early as you can. If it’s going to be solving a mystery then put the protags on case ASAP. Set up the mystery very obviously. Kids need to be able to follow this.
You can do any other set ups throughout the first half but what the macguffin is and does need establishing before we can engage with the rest of it. It’s imperative we know that they are on the case, what’s at stake, the antagonists can remain shadowy or whatever with all the red herrings and what have you but the goals and objectives need to be clearer the whole deal to work and engage us.
OVERALL -
The ambition of the project is brilliant. I want to love it. Truth is a great deal isn’t quite working yet. That’s because you have got alot of balls to juggle all at once. Some great ideas and great visuals, but I’m afraid to say it need the kind of hack and slash rewrite that people tend to find very hard to do ruthlessly. Also given that it calls for a pretty steep SFX (assuming it's live action?) budget everything needs to as tight as possible to insure serious consideration.
NOTES –
Movies I’d recommend you check out pre rewrite for ideas (if you havn’t seen them) already would include:
We’re back the Dinosaur story/Nightmare on Elm Street/ Phantasm/Pan’s Labyrinth/Monster House/Big Fish/Paprika/ Eternal Sunshine/Time Bandits/ Shutter Island/ Nightmare Before Xmas.
P1 either NIGHT or DAY only. NIGHT (EVENING) if you must. ;)
P1-8 Rip snorting opening. Love the way you throw various decoy protagonists at us. Super stuff.
P14 James Dean line bugged me. No 12 year old girl knows who that is.
P17 Gabe self intro feels too on the noise. SHOW us that he’s X type of accountant guy through a piece of interaction maybe?
P22 This scene with Miranda feels a little too obviously like a series of set ups. You get away with it on the whole because the tone is very honest and straight up, either mask the foreshadowing with more comedy and asides or just come right out and acknowledge it with a wink and nod.
P26 ‘we’re kids’ kids never say that. Ever.
P27. ‘Prize fighters??! Again too many of Sophie’s grate on me. I think your intention is for her to come over like a wise beyond her years tom boy type, however presently she speaks like waay too much like an adult. I keep having to remind myself she’s supposed to be a kid.
P31 This dream sequence comes out of nowhere. You haven’t really established the rules of your movie. We know that dreams will play a role in the story and that the artefact from the start in going to be connected to this. But beyond that we’re getting lost fast.
P32 I’m not buying the school knuckle head likes ballet angle. I’d rather it was a teacher who has a camp secret, and Jimmy is able to use it to insure that the teacher who was going to let Chas off the hook actually gives him a detention or something afterall? I think it’s funnier and more plausible if a stuck up gym teacher or something has a funny secret like he wears his wives dresses or something?
P38 Mozart of petty criminals this whole passage is bare expo and isn’t funny enough to get away with it.
P40-5 This action gets pretty hard to follow. Some nice visuals going on but it can be hard to gage the stakes.
P49 This stuff is a leaden lump of expo. About the dream thief and other things. The issue of Crowe getting the butterfly casket seems to be the crux, yet it’s causally dumped on us in bare expo far too late in the day.
P57 and I still don’t really understand what the butterfly casket itself actually is what it does or why Luther wants it so bad. Also the humor between him and the business men is very adult. Kids will switch off. Needs to be simply and obviously funny with all the adult comedy buried in the SUBTEXT.
P62 Again the way Sophie talks about history totally challenges my suspension of disbelief.
P77 I’d rather SEE this orphanage stuff as a FLASHBACK. As it stands it’s an expo dump. Which is a shame because the reveals are both exiting and visual in nature. Maybe a SERIES OF SHOTS is called for here?
P88 When you go chase crazy it’s hard to know the stakes. It undermines the tension somewhat.
P95 this works. Maybe too well. Very high octane for a kids movie. read -
A review of Modern Tragedyby MSeyf on 05/17/2010MODERN TRAGEDY GENERAL Your formatting and action descriptions need some attention. I’d strongly suggest Troittier’s Screenwriter’s Bible. Good foundations for a revenge drama with plenty of potential that's still untapped. Strong dual protagonists, but a weak one note and largely passive antagonist and some significant plot holes. CONCEPT I’m a fan of revenge movies. And... MODERN TRAGEDY
GENERAL
Your formatting and action descriptions need some attention. I’d strongly suggest Troittier’s Screenwriter’s Bible.
Good foundations for a revenge drama with plenty of potential that's still untapped. Strong dual protagonists, but a weak one note and largely passive antagonist and some significant plot holes.
CONCEPT
I’m a fan of revenge movies. And you have the makings of an interest concept for one right here. You have contrasting character’s facing an impossible moral cross road. I think there is the potiental to ask the audience harder questions than the script does at present.
STORY
I think there is great deal more potential still to be got out of this story. I think the idea that the peace loving priest is forced to take confessions from his parent’s killer, knowing that he has to stop his more aggressive hot headed brother from finding out the identity of the man who is a member of his congregation is very compelling. The set up is currently stronger than the delivery.
CHARACTER
Great contrast between the two brothers. But I’m afraid to say Jonah is your weak link. We don’t get any sense of who he was at the time of the murderers and what has changed between then and the stories start. He seems a totally well adjusted loving father? This makes Aaron’s insistence on premeditated revenge strange and sadistic. I’d suggest it’s better to lead the audience on. Have us believe that Jonah is a good man now, but then throw in something at the end of act 2 that spins things round again and makes us feel like he deserves to die (sexual abuse in his past perhaps?).
DIALOGUE
Some of this was weak. As a general rule passages more than 3-4 lines need to be justified kept to a minimum. Too often character say and tell rather than show. The action should show us who they are, if we are being told in bare exposition then the dialogue is redundant. Don’t have Andrew say he’s a priest over and over when you can (and do) show that he is through his actions at other times for example. Some of the romantic dialogue feels very forced and clunky and the sexy stuff just needs removing wholesale as it feel toney out of wake.
STRUCTURE
Solid enough. I think that the set up works better than the conclusion. And there is room in the current structure to get more out of Andrew’s tension when he discovers Jonah not to mention building on Jonah’s personality and motivations for the brutal murders.
OVERALL
There were a number of plot holes that bothered me. Why did Andrew not call the police? This again relates to Jonah, maybe revise so he is a trusted cop or in some other way above the law? Also within a small local community why have the brothers not crossed paths with this man before? These aren’t deal breaks but need to be addressed. I think the boxing stuff that comes in at the end feels like an arc from another film. None of it feels important when compared to issues like love and murder. I’d move this arc into act 2 completely, I think you can work in parallels between Aaron’s principals as a sports man and Andrew’s a priest, both struggling to do the right thing. And at the end I also couldn’t work out why the police didn’t take Aaron away?
I think you have a great set up and strong contrasting protagonists in the two brothers. What needs most work is the dialogue first and foremost. And the antagonist. As it stands he feels like to two totally different people, and the one that dies at the end feels like he’s at least atoned to some extent for his distant past.
Further break down -
Great set up and prologue section, formatting issues not withstanding.
P13-16 so on the noise dialogue between the brothers. Find ways to show their different backgrounds through drama and action. Also would brother not be fostered together?
P16 clunky expo on contrasting upbringings.
P18 This tension between them feel a little forced.
P19Andrew keeps saying that he’s a priest over and over – perhaps change his response to show that they are priest like rather than have him tell us he is
P22 there is a strong statement of sorts here in Andrew’s speech. I’d bare this down a bit to get that central message clearer, maybe loose what feel like erroneous examples. At the moments it’s a little rambling and could be more focused, as it’s clearly very important.
P27 this revelation is really good. To hammer it home however I’d suggest you signpost Aaron’s relationship earlier, perhaps show him at home in bed with her when he returns from the guy? Just so we feel he’s ‘stuck’ in their on off relationship a little more.
P30 some of this romance stuff is weak. Also I think if he’s already dating her and at that meet the parents stage of an albeit turbulent relationship then the revelation of who the father is becomes more shocking?
P33 you have already shown us their different roles so don’t have Andrew say it like this. Very purple.
P42 all this info about the girl’s affection for her father ramps up the tension well i think.
P47 wouldn’t they have bumped into this guy sooner than now? What is the trigger? It seems a small neighbourhood.
P50 I think the tension of Andrew being subjected to Jonah’s confession is dynamite and I was disappointed to see you bypass it after it was so wonderfully set up. I’d suggest that Jonah confesses at confessional after mass and then Andrew sees him sit back down with Phoebe for the reveal?
P53 Also I understand Andrew is a man of faith by why would he not at least alert the police to the fact that Jonah the killer is running a local restaurant? It just doesn’t ring true for me I’m afraid.
P55 sexual dialogue is extremely clunky, can be super hard to pull this kinda things off as it’s stands it not really working.
P57 why is Aaron mad with his brother and not beating Jonah to a pulp?
P65 the whole gun issue feels a little forced. It’s a forced complication; he could steal one, borrow one from a friend or beat any man to death with his trained fists?
P67 too much car talk
P70-80 I feel that great deal of this section doesn’t serve the drama or the story. Aaron’s mind is made up and it’s about the means of the revenge. I think the debate as weather to take revenge or not should be the focus here.
P83 I wanted to find out more about Jonah’s motivation for murder. He seems like a different person to the murdered from the start.
P88 The boxing fight fix stuff simply doesn’t serve your story and detracts from the much more compelling revenge stuff. Lose it, or resolve it sooner than here. read -
A review of A Constant Variableby MSeyf on 01/21/2010Constant Variable. First things first. You are a supremely talented writer light years ahead of most of the chasing pack and I have no doubt you’ll be making a living off your talents sooner rather than later (if you aren’t already). I loved many things about the script but in the interests of always looking to help make things tighter I’ll focus on the issues and tweaks and... Constant Variable.
First things first. You are a supremely talented writer light years ahead of most of the chasing pack and I have no doubt you’ll be making a living off your talents sooner rather than later (if you aren’t already). I loved many things about the script but in the interests of always looking to help make things tighter I’ll focus on the issues and tweaks and suggest improvements. I might throw in suggestions for a scene here or there so please don’t be offended. Remember I really like this script
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
Many original ideas, a quirky style strong characters solid structure. Funny, and generally near market ready formatting. Good lean style. Good blend of genres.
CONCEPT
I’m a big time travel fan (yet to manage a draft script of my own in the genre however ). Despite having seen more than most people when it comes to time travel movies, you managed to come at it from an angle I’d not seen before. The intellectual dimension to time travel for me recalled a Beautiful Mind more than anything else. Using EMOTIONS as the DEVICE which activates time travel is a master stroke. A stunning idea that links well to your other themes and as far as I can tell is fairly original (time traveller’s wife not withstanding).
STORY
You do a good job of keeping complex events clear and understandable. My problem however is with motivations. I think the script is stuck between a few different places, I think you need to commit to the dark obsessive lost child stuff or go with the light fluffy hijinks of time travel, they sit a little uneasily together at the mo.
CHARACTER
Brilliant characters that I can visualise as I read. Lots of revelations coming by way of action and conflict and minimal instances of telling. All good. Motivations are a little muddled however. For me the unseen death of the daughter is actually the inciting incident in that it’s motivated Jacob’s obsession with time travel equations, this need to be brought into sharper focus (it’s back grounded at present).
STRUCTURE
Solid. And in this genre that’s a MASSIVE achievement in itself! Cause you are dealing with paradoxes and issues that can get well out of hand well fast. You keep a lid on the right things, your story hits the right beats and is well put together. Any suggestions I have detailed below fit directly into your existing structure so I guess that means it working as far as I can tell (but what do I know right? hehe).
DIALOGUE
Love alot of it. The tone is light, but some of the events and subjects aren’t as much that’s still cool. A few passages have too much expo but nothing majorly at fault.
OVERALL
I do have a few issues and suggestion. Mainly I feel there are a few missed links that I feel could make things a whole lot stronger. Bear in mind as you read this that everything as it stands WORKS and works well. I’m playing devil’s advocate cause I think there is EVEN more in the concept. Now, Jacob is motivated ultimately we learn on page 30, not by a desire to escape suburbia (though that’s part of it). He’s motivated by the prospect of stopping or changing some unseen event that’s claimed his daughter. I would like to see you connect this more directly to the sexual themes (which you played well mostly for laughs) down the line. I’d use the first romantic fumble between the couple to illustrate a dark side to the couple’s loss of passion (namely that Jacob is worried about having and then losing another child). Maybe he doesn’t want her sexually at all, maybe he wants a condom, maybe fear in his eyes hints that he’s scared of sex with her. I think you can play up the disconnection and foreshadow the tragic reason behind it better. So Jacob’s ‘problem’ is that his daughter died, and this has made him obsessed with time travel, and ‘afraid’ of sex with his wife, you can connect these two directly imo.
That way the sexual theme becomes about more than a couples disconnection and it ties into what is the central motivation of the protagonist in a more direct way. Also a trigger for Jacob’s madness could be the realisation that he can’t get back into the past at all and so can’t save the first daughter (this could be told to him during the convo that causes him to crack- when he meets his sexually re invigorated future self and turns gun nut.) Basically the ‘future Jacob’ gets over the first daughter by realising that it’s better to look forward than backwards and as such decides to do his damnest to get his wife knocked up again. The ‘mad Jacob’ clings to the past and wants to kill the other Jacob for ‘getting over it’?
In other words I think the dead/absent daughter needs to be more central as a motivation. It’s the reason he’s focused on the equation to begin with, the fact that the equation won’t bring her back and his future self is just happy to get laid should be the revelation that pushes Mad Jacob to get gun happy. His future self having reasoned ‘I can’t bring the child I lost back but that no reason not to try for another dammit, the future isn’t written yet, even if the tragic past is’. So Jacob learning that ‘you can’t change the past’ is a key revelation. It makes him focus on the future and it make the mad Jacob twisted and over the edge. For my money this plot point needs to arrive at end of act 2 break which sets up the finale, wherein future Jacob learns that his other self has gone gun loko?
Sorry if all my suggestions are hard to follow it kinda complicated to explain all this. So again big probs for the writing.
Minor plot point, (which I totally forgave you for by the way) was why would a couple of young free loving types Like Olive and Darren, keep a gun hidden in a book? I thought only spies and assassins cut spaces out of books for guns? Still it’s a neat visual and you’d earned my suspension by that point anyhow. You could fix it by making it Jacob and Olive’s father’s gun or something? Maybe it’s wall mounted but functional? Just a thought.
I’ve included my page by page observations below. Sorry if they cover some of the same ground.
Brilliant first 10. You’ve introduced complex physics questions and characters, you do a great job of showing the values of the character through action. So far so good. Only thing I would add would be a photo of the daughter somewhere. Just so we wait for her entrance/ wonder where she is/ why she’s not mentioned FORESHADOWING what we’ll find out soon enough.
P10 love this entire order convo. Reminds me of every girl I’ve ever dated. So far so good blend of humour and drama spot on.
P13 slightly unnecessary exposition from Sarah here at the top of the page about her job. I’d rewrite/work this scene to foreshadow a sex life that is totally completely cold due to tragedy, not just frosty in a funny relatable way like it feels at the mo. I’d hint at a connection between Jacob’s lack of sex life and his fear of another child that might then be lost. I think this page is where you need to switch a few hooks around to give what follows added impact.
P18 Maybe the hardcore sex stuff is a bit much? I don’t know it crosses a line that you don’t cross anywhere else so feel a little outta wack?
By p25 I’m starting not to like Sarah. If this is your intention it’s being done in nice subtle way. I think the trouble again is that Sarah and Jacob are disconnect sure, but that it feels like this is due to the type of person she is. When in reality they are very in love and issues stem from a shared trauma that they aren’t yet over as a couple – You hint at this with the dog, but you could go further for my money. Make it crystal clear that Sarah puts the Sweetie before Jacob and treats Sweetie EXACTLY like a child- Jacob wants to kill Sweetie cause ‘she isn’t his child dammit!’ this is comedy gold. I’d advise looking at As good as it gets for ideas on how to play this up.
P30. I like this bombshell of the absent daughter. Like I said before foreshadowing her existence will IMO give the revelation of her death added impact, as we’ll be waiting for her to appear. At the moment it feel like Jacob is simply boarded by suburban normality and as such obsessed with time travel? For me it wasn’t working as motivation till this daughter reveal. I’d suggest two other places to foreshadow the absent girl. And I’d suggest using both (just my 2 cents). Foreshadow the absent daughter in three places – 1) when Jacob meets Tayah and they talk napkins Jacob could say ‘Sarah got obsessed with germs when we brought the little girl home etc’. 2) When they don’t have sex, Jacob puts his hand on her stomach and she says ‘if we have another we’ll have another’ We’ll wonder but we won’t know. 3) Sweetie – play Jacob’s hate and Sarah’s displacement for laughs but ramp up the ‘sweetie is my baby’ angle.
P30 brilliant action lines! I can see the camera shot involving the lying on the floor crystal clear and it rocks! And I’d suggest recalling it again later when he’s shooting himself etc.
P41 I’d suggest ‘Jacob limps’ down the side walk. Rather than ‘walks limping’ consider that nitpicked.
P44 The MOON script does a great job of managing doubles in screen play format. Worth a look for this bit but you do just fine as is.
P50 I’m having trouble accepting time travel without a device of some kind to account for it from a narrative stand point. Having said that this most likely a result of you being ahead of my imagination with your superb concept (so maybe it’s a point best ignored).
P59 It’s getting hilarious now. A real groundhog day vibe to Jacob being surrounded by people getting it on. Having said that it sits a little uneasy against the back drop of a dead child maybe as they aren’t presently connected? I think making him someone who CAN’T have sex anymore, rather than someone just kinda ‘off it’ would give all his motivations stronger drive and focus?
P70 I hear from the powers that be that underlines in the dialogue is a big no no apparently. Okay in action but in lines it’s you telling the actors how to perform apparently so those clever dudes say.
P86 I love the way you have narrativised the concept of psychics having a snap back self writing mechanism. Never seen that done as you have. Really great core idea here!
Loved the end, recalled the Timetraveller’s wife with more humour and no schmaltz. Good good good.
All in all it’s strong and with minor tweaks I think you could end up with a sale here. Limited locations will keep cost down, it’s very do-able. Look forward to reading more of your stuff. Hope this helps. read -
A review of WHISPERSby MSeyf on 01/09/2010Whispers review CONCEPT I personally love these type of films. Dreams of a dying heart/adventures in mental illness its not an entirely original concept per se, but you’ve certainly got the gist of it over well. You juggle reality shifts very effectively, creating exactly the jarring discomfort I m sure you intended. The Concept has a built in mystery hook that you use well... Whispers review
CONCEPT
I personally love these type of films. Dreams of a dying heart/adventures in mental illness its not an entirely original concept per se, but you’ve certainly got the gist of it over well. You juggle reality shifts very effectively, creating exactly the jarring discomfort I m sure you intended. The Concept has a built in mystery hook that you use well. Where are we really? What is real? and what do the things that aren’t real mean or symbolise? Just be aware that these concepts can frustrate certain viewers, the set up means the gloves are off and you can pull the rug from under people often, But doing so too often can cause you to lose people- just something to consider.
STORY
The story is good-ish. I felt like in the end I was left wondering what the point was a little, but you made the journey up to that point a good ride. So a mixed bag all things considered.
CHARATER
I must confess to having a problem with Amina. She is a very passive victim protagonist. When I think of other films in this genre I think it takes a very driven protagonist to make it work, searching for the truth about some mystery about what happened to you as in Jacob’s Ladder or saving the future in 12 Monkeys. Because this person needs to have a really strong reason to engage their personal inner demons head on in such a troubling way. As far as I can figure it Amina’s goals and dreams are a little abstract, she wants a prince? She wants general happiness? She wants to do well at college? She wants a baby? These are normal concerns yet she encounters very unusual problems something about it didn’t quiet click for me. I feel the rape is used as an enticing incident which although handled maturely seems a little out of joint, you don’t come back to this or really resolve issues rising from it at the end of the story.
One thing I loved however was the way that you used Garrett/Jared as a romantic lead and then as a mad-mentor, real stroke of genius using one character for two different roles in your narrative. I’d like to see other character also returning in different roles this can be really jarring and effective in alternate reality fic. But Hats off for the Garrett stuff.
STRUCTURE
Your narrative hook give you lots of freedom with structure. But I found the beginning a bit slow. I was wondering where it was all going and expecting a script about college scholarships and forced romances when it finally kicked off on p25. I think a way to make your beginning stronger I’d use it to foreshadow everything that follows. I’d introduce Garrett but in a forgettable side role. Also I’d make Amina’s job maybe be working as a nurse at the institute she later becomes a patient in? Or something? I think if all the cast appear in every reality but in different role it makes the whole far more compelling and engaging and i think you should use the first 20 pages to set up the people we later meet in other roles. As it stands you introduce irrelevant children, a random wannabe rapper who isn’t relevant, a college project that isn’t relevant and then spin everything in totally different mad direction, you get away with it but i’d like to have seen stuff at the beginning foreshadow what follows in a more creepy way.
DIALOGUE
Some of the romantic stuff didn’t work for me. I think the problem is that romances happen too quickly and as such feel forced. A way round this would be to have some relationships be pre-existing. We don’t need to see every stage of a romance, especially as this makes it laboured. You already use flash forwards so why not have aspects of the romance happen off screen and just give us the information we need to process the gaps? Selling two romances from scratch one with the rapist and one with Garrett in what is essentially a non romantic head screw movie is asking a lot of the audience imo.
OVERALL
You’ve got a great concept, some good twists and a decent pace and structure. I do have problems working out exactly what the theme is here however. There is lots of clever hooks and reversals and a decent mystery driving things but what is ultimately at stake in the end? When I think of other films that use the dream within dream/coma hook it’s usually in the service of a greater goal. A search for identity? The need to work out and resolve inner demons before dying? A life flashing before someone’s dying eyes? I’m not sure what these ‘whispers’ ultimately mean beyond being a neat concept? Another issue I have is that your script inadvertently suggests that rape is impossible to get over and move forward from. This strikes me something of a bleak message which I’m not sure you intended to give out? Maybe if someone is raped (and left in a coma), and while in the coma she lives an imagined life when she comes out of the coma works recovers psychologically and goes on to work in a rape support centre and then meets a man Garrett who she falls for etc. That way her dream life is a series of attempts to resolve outstanding issues in her life and allow her to die? Still bleak but a little more goal focused at the same time?
Suggested viewing before your write (if you haven’t already):
Frequency, The Jacket, 12 monkeys, identity, the machinist, Time traveller’s wife, Happy Accidents, Stay, Jacob’s Ladder, Run Lola Run, Lost Highway.
Also your script reminded me of a brilliant book called the man who folded into himself. It deals with a man who escapes into an alternate reality as a result of his son death.
All in all you’ve had a decent stab at a challenging genre. There is nothing majorly wrong with your script or structure as it stands and nothing that can’t be fixed in general. It was a good read and I look forward to reading more from you!
Best of luck with the re write.
Ps. You only need to tell us the nurse has a southern bell accent the first time we meet her . and you don’t need parenthetical thereafter. i.e:
Nurse Dellgetior (30s) addresses patients with a southern accent... read -
A review of Ground Work (early draft)by MSeyf on 12/29/2009First off it’s a great script, fun read, fast action packed and provocative. Your formatting and writing style are spot on throughout. I feel however that it has the potential to be even stronger than it is right now. And I’ve tried to suggest ideas to improve it as best I can. I don’t know what the deal is on suggesting variations/changes so I hope only that I don’t cause... First off it’s a great script, fun read, fast action packed and provocative. Your formatting and writing style are spot on throughout. I feel however that it has the potential to be even stronger than it is right now. And I’ve tried to suggest ideas to improve it as best I can. I don’t know what the deal is on suggesting variations/changes so I hope only that I don’t cause any offence.
First off I'd change the title to Ground Zero?
Broadly I’d suggest that the opening sequence shows us the Arab performing the perfect assassination. Set him up as the best of the best, a man who plans ever detail and never misses a beat. Save the man biting the tie and nearly dragging him down to his death for his dream sequence later on (where he relives the event)- thereby underlining his new found fear that this run through might end in failure?
I felt somewhere between p80-90 things get a little lost amid too many chases and then out of the blue exposition to ‘the single women’. I felt this was a tangent I didn’t want to go on.
Lastly I didn’t think the ending worked for me and I’ve included a couple of amends I think would make it stronger. I’d remove the second dream sequence totally and have the ending unfold as follows...
The Arab continues to make his way towards Peter’s address. Heading into the chaos of 911 NY. I’d like for him to then realise Peter’s is actually IN ground zero . Then I’d have the Arab arrive at a make shift victims shrine looking for the target... where upon he meets a women who notices him asking after Peter. This women introduces herself as the dead man’s wife. I’d have the Arab ‘bare his soul’ so to speak in a subtle and coded way, never betraying his original motives to this grieving women (who assumes the arab to be one of her late husband’s friends). THEN he’d call the Contractor... ‘Peter died in 911.’ Then the boss arranges a meeting or is waiting for him at a NY rendezvous apartment having setup a trap...one in which he intends to frame the Arab as a terrorist and himself as a former CIA agent who heroically brings him down.
I’d have this plan go wrong thanks only to the Arab’s heroic bad assery and I’d have the Arab arrested as a suspected terrorist once he’s killed all the contractor and the agents. THEN you could have A NEW AGENT telling police ‘we’ll take it from here officers this is a CIA matter now’.
Just my suggestions.
CONCEPT:
Brilliant brilliant, brilliant concept! BUT one that I feel you didn’t quiet make the very most of in the end. The concept is superb very rich and I think because of this it’ll take a few more drafts to make the very most of it IMO.
STORY:
Mostly strong, occasionally derivative. With a few chinks in the armour showing up towards the end. The Aussies mission is a big plot detour. Some of the Arab trials and mis adventures feel almost comedic at times, with lots of random events padding things out... the ambulance chase and the stuff in the pickup especially both feel like detours too. Be aware of how wrong Kim Bauer’s story line went in 24 season 2.
CHARACTER:
Again the idea of an Arab hitman is brilliant IMO. Because he fits so many of the haul marks of a typical anti-hero but is different in one key regard...his ethnicity. This one fact turns his world on it’s head as a result of 911. Brilliant. Supporting character’s tend to represent societal groups and are occasionally one dimensional as a result, no biggie per se.
A problem is that we don’t actually learn too much about anyone in the end. And the Arabs shock and horror at finding out that those he kills aren’t ‘ 100 % bad’, and a few other tricks he falls for left me with the feeling that he was more naive/innocent and less bad ass than I assume you intended?
STRUCTURE:
Solid but could be great. I’d suggest the following re jig –
ACT 1 Arab assassin needs to get to NY for a final kill/ 911 messes up his travel plans/antics insue/Aussie arrives making things a bit easier for a while
ACT 2 /antics including the bus fight/ the mosque/ Ma and pa/and stuff with the contractor and agents should all go here. He gets to NY BUT he learns that 911 did his job for him (killing Peter at ground Zero)/The meeting with Peter’s widow inadvertently reveal a TWIST about the nature of peter’s past relationship to the CIA contractor... alerting the arab to the pending trap.
ACT 3 Then the contractor also uses 911/ by trying to lure the arab into a trap and brand him a terrorist/ and have him killed by rattled nervous regular law enforcement forces?
That way all the key events evolve around and due to issues surrounding 911? Just an idea.
DIALOGUE:
Some exposition heavy wobbles late on but generally solid. I felt you sometimes shifted between almost black comedy at one end of the scale to straight forward thriller at the other, just a little something to watch IMO.
OVERALL:
Brilliant concept, that you have not quiet got the very most out of just yet. Having said that it rocks on at a great pace is full mystery and thrills and is very well written.
MISL:
A page by page break down follows here:
P1. I would begin with the perfect hit. Remove the bit where he’s nearly dragged off the cliff. I want to see how smooth an assassin he is when it isn’t 911, so I can appreciate how frustrated he is when it is later on.
P35 the line about the threesome and the Aussie’s response to it felt the wrong way round. I think the Aussie should make the comment about threesomes and the ice cool Arab should be the calm one telling him to chill and shut up.
P44Your tone is a bit inconsistent at time. He is either a fish out of water bad ass assassin not used to screwing up or he’s a butt monkey swept up in the tide of 911. You can play the script either way. At the moment its occasionally sitting between both uncomfortably IMO.
p54 again this Arab assassin is beaten down by a random biker. I feel that the more elite and action hero-like he is the greater the concept works (he’d do this job fine but 911 effects him in a way it wouldn’t effect a white operative of the same level like Jason Borne!). I think we really need to get the sense that this guy is cool calm collected and lethal. Dressed to kill never misses a step. THEN 911 messes with his shit big time. A few too many times he gets jumped... by frat boys/the Aussie/people on a bus/ ordinary muslims/ a biker, I think he should only be taken down if taken unawares or if faced with overwhelming odds, anything less I feel detracts from the character and the central conflict.
P62 this was a hell of a reveal. I was actually really enjoying the fish out of water Arab relies on the kindness of strangers in the American heartland stuff. Like the image of an Arab assassin (ideally suited and booted) on the back of redneck grandpa’s pick up for example. Meeting a peter Sullivan threw me off a little. Was this Peter Sullivan relevant? Was he a target too? What actually happened to him? I didn’t understand.
P63 When the nature of his contract killing takes a political angle I think it muddied the story for me a little.
P68 I feel things start to go a little wrong structurally. I feel you have a brilliant set up. Assassin accidently by chance ends up face to face with Peter who maybe the target. You could really exploit the will/ he won’t he tension and have them engaged in small talk. The Arab struggling to hide what he knows and what he’s thinking? Could really hit some Hitchcock notes here with the Arab trying figure out how the he’ll to play it- the crash and ambulance stuff etc didn’t do it for me I’m afraid.
P72 mixed feeling about this. On the one hand it’s brilliant that we see tensions about terrorism within the Muslim community, and it impacts the story from left of centre which caught me unawares. On the other hand this bad ass assassin is once again caught off guard by an ordinary member of the public.
P74 A Brilliant tense standoff with Muslims and the imam. Not sure I like what the conclusion says here. I think the imam would want to seize any opportunity to hand in a fugitive potential terrorist and thus demonstrate that his is a law abiding faith and that he doesn’t harbour or support even a suspected terrorist? I think you could actually get away with the Muslims (as panicked as everyone else in the country at the time) kicking the hell out someone who they assume to be a terrorist. Would be a nice shock to see Muslims attack someone who they think is a terrorist in their midst much like a redneck lynch mob would?
P80 Didn’t like the 2nd dream because IMO Peter Sullivan should really turn out to be a victim of 911. I thought this was going to be your ending from the outset. I love the idea that we’ve seen Peter die on the TV in the diner at the start (but didn’t know it at the time) and the whole journey has been a waste to kill a man that’s already dead.
P108 This feel very like borne. Your script hasn’t been about the CIA and government agencies up till now these themes this late in threw something of a curve ball IMO.
Hope this helps. Congrats on the script and the win! read -
A review of Operation: Atomic Blitzby MSeyf on 12/25/2009First off Atomic Blitz is great fun and very good. There are minor issues here and there. But the following suggestions are mostly tweaks, small ideas and general observations, all the hard work has been done on this script and it sure as hell shows. I think it’s nearly there! CONCEPT: Clearly James Bond meets Indiana Jones. A great idea if you can pull it off, and you almost... First off Atomic Blitz is great fun and very good. There are minor issues here and there. But the following suggestions are mostly tweaks, small ideas and general observations, all the hard work has been done on this script and it sure as hell shows. I think it’s nearly there!
CONCEPT:
Clearly James Bond meets Indiana Jones. A great idea if you can pull it off, and you almost have! The care and attention paid to the genre is evident. It’s better than a whole host of recent films not least Indiana Jones 4. And I think inevitable comparisons to Tarrantino’s latest film will actually play to your scripts advantages, as this is the cartoony romp many expected that film to be. Atomic Blitz is the film promised but not delivered by the trailers for Inglorious Bastards, and that film’s success only serves to make your script more bankable/marketable IMO. It’s also the film Sky Captain and the world of tomorrow should have been.
Of course by default exploding Zeppelins, giant magnets and Nazi castles don’t come cheap. I think you’d be looking at securing at least $35-45 million to make this work, anything less and I can see the evil that is dodgy CGI rearing its ugly head . Would you consider adapting the script to fit traditional or CG animation? I think this would give you some fresh options and routes round budgeting concerns?
STORY:
A break-neck pace that masks a solid structure strong character arcs and a host of action packed set pieces. The story IS predictable, and that’s of course one of the best things about it. We want to see Von Kiel have his smug grin slapped off his face we want to see his zeppelin go up in flames and we want to see the chicks wrestling on the floor in a cloud of make-up and hair extensions- and we do. The freshness that gives these old formulas new life comes by way of somewhat effective Russian conspiracy stuff and a nod to the Hitler assassination plot and dissidents within the Nazi ranks at the time. This is a double edged sword as it complicates the motivations of the typically unapologetically evil Nazi’s in what should be a straight forward action romp. I think action audiences might have trouble accepting Nazi’s with conflicting motivations and agendas? Not sure what the fix is there.
CHARACTER:
One Dimensional and stock characters throughout- and not necessarily worse for it. However I can’t see it working in its current incarnation with a cast of unknowns. Not a problem if you can secure big name talent. Everyone is an action figure, and what’s more there isn’t a fresh perspective on WW2 or an over arcing ‘theme’ about nuclear power etc onto which to pin these action figures. Garrett is under-written and he doesn’t contrast directly enough with his nemesis Kiel for my liking either. He’s too obviously a composite of Bond and Indy, I ‘d like to see his gentleman thief back story expanded to make stand out better.
Casting suggestions:
As the Commando Leader I couldn’t help but imagine a 1960s era Connery in the role. But I’d love to see a Gerald Butler or a Gary Oldman having fun with this character.
Johanna’s gotta be a Diana Kruger/Nicole Kidman – type. Smart sexy and a little cold to start with?
Garrett: Obvious suggestion would be Michael Fassbender (a la Inglorious Bastards) I could see Jude Law in the role but that would invoke Sky Captain a little too much... as for a left field suggestion how about a Robert Patterson in a break out role?
Dukes I could see a Mike Myers or Eddie Izzard or IDEALY a camping-it-up Hugo Weaving.
Kiel : Guy Pierce? Or Tim Dalton (Played a similar character many years ago in the Rocketeer and the Bond nod would make the geeks chuckle).
Hardwick: I’d love to see Stephen Fry in this role.
The Commander: would in a perfect world be a cameoing Sean Connery/Moore.
And for the SS Femme Fatale how about Nadeshda Brennicke or if you want left field shocking suggestion... Maddonna?
I honestly think with a script like this it’s worth hunting down the relevant agents as with the right cast attached this could be a real delight.
Oh and...Hamlet and Ophelia felt VERY like two characters in Inglorious Bastards btw...not that that matters I guess.
DIALOGUE:
Good effort on this front! I am a Brit and all the Brits sound very British and the dialogue and references evoke the period well. Also you avoid protracted exposition between set pieces and keep the action non-stop something that’s VERY hard to pull off. I‘ve listed a handful of niggling phrases and some Brit slang alternatives but really I’m being a nitpicker here.
Page 19... I’d swap ‘Dafties’ for ‘ladies’. (or alternatively anti- gay slurs would be in keeping with the character and the era if think such as - ‘Nancy’s/Jessie’s, or Biftys’ – )
Page 22... ‘Blathered’ or ‘Pissed’ or ‘Merry’ rather than ‘blootered’ maybe?
Page 23... ‘Dartmoor’ prison could be mentioned in the back story for added authenticity here ?
Page 30...’Bangers’? Is this a period term you’ve researched? I’ve never heard it myself? I ‘d suggest either ‘Ladies’ / ‘gents’ or ‘chaps’ instead maybe?
Page...56 ‘ROYAL’ marines...
Page 60... The word ‘Shit’ bothers me here... I think a WW2 spy type would use a word like ‘excrement’ instead here maybe?
Page 85... I think the bedroom gag would be funnier if the antics interrupted have something of an S & M flavour and Von Kiel likes to play the bitch maybe? Perhaps he’s about to get his wrists cuffed him up and he has an apple in his mouth... which he spits out in disguest? ‘I’ll have to owe you one my dear’’ – alternatively you probably don’t want to be emasculating him for a cheap gag prior to the big showdown? I think he should be doing something a little more deviant with this dominatrix than just plain sex... But I’m not sure if this is a good suggestion or not.
MISL:
One minor issue I had concerned Abernathy’s demise (p32). He’s set up as at least as able as the hero and something of a paternal alpha male influence on the entire unit prior to his death. Which serves as a major motivation for Garrett. I feel as such Abernathy needs to go out more heroically! I’d want to see him make a heroic sacrifice ( a la Obi-Wan or Mufasa). One way I could see this happening would be that Garrett is stuck, and the plane is spinning out of control (upside down) over rocky land that Garrett won’t survive landing on if he jumps... Amid the chaos Abernathy (horrifically wounded) claws his way to the controls of the RAF Transit upside down. He then Heroically steers the plane back round so that it’s over the forest rather than the rocks, thereby actually facilitating Garrett’s escape with his dying action. Abernathy should get a heroic last word once he rights the plane... I think if he looks at Garrett cracks a final little smile and says ‘nothing to it laddie’ in reference to his previous line the audience would be going NUTS... and then Brownie still gets to cut Garrett free as he does. Also once Von Kiel’s Zep explodes in a blaze of glory Garrett should look to heavens and say ‘nothing to it sir’ and salute Abernathy and the fallen boys?
And another minor suggestion...Transport the final scene with Churchill at the end to the Buckingham Palace. Make the honour our hero is up for a knighthood and have Garrett have to walk past the very crown jewels he once tried to steal in order to receive his commendation? I think this would bring things back round in a nice way, and show that former jewel thief is now national treasure in his own right... then thrown in the Mexico gag.
OVERALL:
Problems the few that there are...
Garrett felt a little lost among the unit at his introduction, and I was expecting Abernathy to at least share the lime light and glory till near the end. You set up a dirty dozen then they fall by the way side fairly abruptly that’s okay but Garrett doesn’t stand out at the outset which is a problem. I thought Garrett was going to occupy the ‘cool knife throwing stealth guy’ role when he was introduced...which feels strange given what follows.
Garrett’s name ‘Garrett Davies’ doesn’t smack of a franchise hero... I think something that sounds like a sound or a punch tends to work or a nickname perhaps left over from his days as a crook? Bond/Indy/Rocky/Rambo all have a ring that Garrett Davies doesn’t. Alternatively something very British like Garrett Godfrey/Godspeed? Garrett needs more personality as a whole... something that you could address by expanding his back story or having other people refer to it more? ‘Garrett the famous jewel thief?’’ ‘’That was a long time ago my dear’’. Perhaps he’s more of a working class hero initially out of sorts amongst a posh upper crust unit like the commandos? Perhaps everyone on all sides knows him as a bumbling jewel thief that couldn’t possibly be effective in such an epic conflict? In the middle of the action Garrett is a little flat, he doesn’t really quip or offer any other distinguishing hall marks to draw us to him and make him unique. Also I don’t like the title, give Garrett a punchy second name and incorporate it into the title... Garrett XXX against/and the Atomic Blitz, maybe?
Another problem is that the action is too cartoony for an Inglorious Bastards type film and too violent to qualify for wholesome family fun, the tone sits between these two uncomfortably at times, and it could harm the films marketability. This is a real cause for concern, as much as such a script might appeal to Indiana and James bond loving film buff types such people won’t be the key demographic from a commercial perspective. This is a minor tweek one way or another however.
Ultimately the biggest issue with a script this tight punchy and well put together is getting it into the right hands. It’s a costly production and one that would need major studio backing to get off the ground. It has franchise potential and could go down a storm with families and UK/European audiences, but that would depend on a cast as passionate and committed to making it work as you clearly were in writing the thing. I do hope this makes it onto the screen one day and in the meantime look forward to reading Garrett’s further adventures.
Suggestions moving forward would be to approach British productions companies – especially if you can trim the budget down here and there. Also another idea might be to pitch this script to a VIDEO GAMES company? MANY issues surrounding budget would be eliminated and if you can get rights over characters etc and the game is a success the film franchise can follow on from that way? Might be a back door to success? Companies like those behind Bioshock, Resistance:Fall of Man, Metal Gear, Call of Duty, commandos, Prince of Persia, Assassins Creed and Uncharted all have shown an appetite scripts stories like this.
Just a thought.
Suggested viewing/Reading if you haven’t already:
• Went the Day Well? (Film)
• The Rocketeer
• Agent ZigZag (book- if you didn’t already)
• The Phantom
• BullDog Drumond
• The Third Man
• Blackadder goes fourth (Series)
• Ello, ello (series)
• Dad’s army (series)
All in all, I hope this helps. And thanks for putting together a cracking read. read
Comments About MSeyf 30
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macaggiano on 06/13/2011
Hey Max,
Thanks for taking the time to review of 13-Romeo I'm glad you enjoyed it. Keep up the good work on the boards too, I get a lot out of your posts!
Thanks again, Mike -
Rfordyce on 06/03/2011
No problem, I enjoyed it. See you on the message boards. -
tidedragon on 05/26/2011
Hey, I know there are Christian Persians. It was not meant as a slight. I was riffing and got carried away. I didn't see how it fit in the narrative. Seemed like just a setup to bring out a bloody bone saw (which was funny).
I slept on the review overnight, and I think you really do have two movies here. One about a Persian crime lord trying to reconcile a past that his son will never comprehend, even after the theater of war, and another potentially dark comedy about thwarting the marriage of a promising daughter to a self-righteous philosophy major.. I was disappointed that your plot line of the snubbed boyfriend seemed to die on the vine.
For what it's worth, my cross-genre writing has the same issues. For some reason, I can't get my sci-fi spy thriller family drama coming-of-age movie with philosophical overtones to work. -
crossroads79 on 05/24/2011
Right, I apologize for the mistake on Arabs/Persians. Persians are up in the mountains/Asia Minor and the Arabs are along N. Africa and the Peninsula. Correct?
I think if you put Essy's brother using coke earlier in the script without the benefit of knowing who gave it to him, it's an opportunity to bring out the confilict between him and his father. Then, he catches him again at Christmas and the fight ensues. It's my mistake for not catching the relation with Ali Big and his father owning the club, but given that Rostam is the Boss, it still seems a bit forced that Essy feels compelled to quit. Also, amp up Essy's money troubles, instead of only Kate being pregnant -- between that and a clearer conflict, perhaps with both his parents, we can sympathize with his decision in the end. Essy's mother should be the nurturing warmth that she is, but more tension could be drawn from her defense of Rostam's 'work' -- gives her a bit of old school vs. new age inner conflict that signifies the generation gap.
Anyway, like I said, I think these stories are wonderful and there's never enough of them so I hope this one gets better and brings you some attention. Take it easy. -
heylang on 05/04/2011
I specifically kept this out of the thread so as NOT to make a big deal out of it and thus hijacking the thread, but quite happy to post my response in the thread next time and then we can see what sort of a deal it will become when others start to jump on the bandwagon, so no, messaging you is NOT making a big deal. It is quite the opposite, so I guess you are plainly wrong there.
Yes, I know what Primal Fear is about and I stand by my comment that it provides an example that can be used of a character that goes from meek to authoritative. The key word there is GOES not ARCS because Paul never used the word ARC and obviously it is not a character ARC. You don’t need to be a genius to know that or even to point it out.
If my example totally doesn’t fit then, as I said earlier, it’s Paul’s thread, it’s his question if he doesn’t like my example then he can say so or choose to ignore it, it’s not up to you to police these threads and try to point out where you think another member is wrong and if you really feel a need to correct people without it sounding personal then try practicing a little tact and diplomacy in the way you write because the way you phrase your comments makes it look very personal.
I will accept your statement that it was not personal but if you still feel the need to tell me that I am plainly wrong then don’t bother, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
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heylang on 05/03/2011
Oh for fucks sake, man, you can’t be serious? Really? You’re going to complain and make a big issue over something like this? I’m pretty sure Paul wants to create a specific Protag for his story. He has requested examples he could look at to use as a guide. There is nothing wrong with the example I have provided. It’s a specific example of a character transforming from meekly to authoritative (even if it was just an act) and if Paul wants to complain that it doesn’t fit his criteria then that is up to him.
Do I bitch about the statements you make on the boards and try to prove them wrong?
Not cool.
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Word Slinger on 03/26/2011
Hey Max, thanks for your help with my logline. Can't tell you how much I appreciate it. -
jwest on 12/01/2010
Cool. And many thanks. :)
Keep warm, tis freezin' out there. :-o
:D -
jwest on 11/30/2010
Thought you might find this interesting:
http://www.artsjobs.org.uk/arts-job/post/storyboard-artist-needed-for-indie-feature/
8-)
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marnie on 11/22/2010
Hi Max...thank you so much for your review of Free Your Skeletons. You gave me some GREAT ideas on how to make the story more suspensful and also give the character more depth.
Kill the pony??? Nooooooooo!! Actually, I did kill the pony in my original draft but then changed it. When the pony got killed, Julia became a stronger character. I think I have to kill it again.
Thanks again...your review was a big help!! :)
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Comments About MSeyf 30
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Quote
Hey Max,
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No problem, I enjoyed it. See you on the message boards.
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Quote
Hey, I know there are Christian Persians. It was not meant as a slight. I was riffing and got carried away. I didn't see how it fit in the narrative. Seemed like just a setup to bring out a bloody bone saw (which was funny).
+ more commentsmacaggiano on 06/13/2011
Thanks for taking the time to review of 13-Romeo I'm glad you enjoyed it. Keep up the good work on the boards too, I get a lot out of your posts!
Thanks again, Mike
Rfordyce on 06/03/2011
tidedragon on 05/26/2011
I slept on the review overnight, and I think you really do have two movies here. One about a Persian crime lord trying to reconcile a past that his son will never comprehend, even after the theater of war, and another potentially dark comedy about thwarting the marriage of a promising daughter to a self-righteous philosophy major.. I was disappointed that your plot line of the snubbed boyfriend seemed to die on the vine.
For what it's worth, my cross-genre writing has the same issues. For some reason, I can't get my sci-fi spy thriller family drama coming-of-age movie with philosophical overtones to work.