a screenplay
by nohaybanda
A brilliant but weak engineer learns to fight back when an opportunistic king abuses his inventions.
nohaybanda
member since 06/02/2010 |
last login 03/18/2013
Blake Snyder: A guy who encourages others to write scripts like "Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot" while discouraging them from writing scripts like "Memento"....
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Blake Snyder: A guy who encourages others to write scripts like "Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot" while discouraging them from writing scripts like "Memento".
Submissions by nohaybanda
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a screenplay by nohaybandaWhen a fearsome demon army kidnaps the princess, a stout-hearted but bumbling knight must rescue her... twice.
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a screenplay by nohaybandaGenres: comedy, mystery/suspenseFive suspects each admit they killed a gasmask profiteer in a town beset by a poisonous gas.
Reviews by nohaybanda 70
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A review of Survival Instinctby nohaybanda on 01/27/2012The biggest problem with this script is its familiar conventions, in that it's a story about a family man/woman who's a criminal, and their criminal life threatens to uproot his or her familial life. I read this and thought, of course Lewis will find out about Marlene's double life, in which event they will probably argue a lot about it and then realize they love each other,... The biggest problem with this script is its familiar conventions, in that it's a story about a family man/woman who's a criminal, and their criminal life threatens to uproot his or her familial life. I read this and thought, of course Lewis will find out about Marlene's double life, in which event they will probably argue a lot about it and then realize they love each other, of course the Contractor is going to have to double cross Marlene, of course someone's going to attack her in her house and threaten her family, of course she'll be forced to kill the Contractor even though he was her mentor, and it's a good thing she has a stash of money in her floorboards (even a character notes how stock that trope is). I'm almost positive I read a script or two on Triggerstreet alone that pretty much mirrors all the story beats of this script. Aside from that, there are two examples that immediately come to mind: Road to Perdition (a great example) and Contraband (a recent example, not so great). I'll use Road to Perdition as a comparison point, since it's my favorite example of the kind of story you have written.
Road has the same tropes that this story has: a family man who is a mobster, a job that goes wrong, an old, kindly mentor who's forced to take action against the main character, a main antagonist that the family man takes vengeance on. But neither of these are what is interesting about the movie. You also have the weird relationship between Tom Hanks and his son, who teaches him how to be a gangster as he hopes he won't end up one like him, you have the dynamic between the old gangster and his treacherous son, and you have a nice psycho in Jude Law's character chasing them along the way (the cinematography's not bad, either). My point is, whether it's the period setting or different avenues the story goes once it meets the common tropes, there is something original and interesting about this film that your script needs. It was starting to get there when Marlene gave the gun to Alison to see if she could kill her husband, but she sort of petered out into a less-than-menacing antagonist, a shrill, hysterical, spoiled brat who does so many irrational, illogical things that in the end you don't really take her seriously as a villain so much you as just feel sorry for her and hope she'll stop or get shot soon. The final scene between the Contractor and Marlene is nice too, where he sort of hints that he might be her father, unless I'm wrong. But that's really not enough. Predictability is this story's biggest flaw, especially in regards to her relationship with Lewis and her daughter.
One other thing. I try not to automatically call out unfilmables, as I feel there not in themselves a big deal and sometimes can be effective. But there's an awful lot here, so many that I feel like it's a part of your writing style. That's fine, and I'm not going to say you should stop, but be wary of writing unnecessary lines. A lot of your action lines dictate information that is either already understood by what's going on in the action or would be more effective if it wasn't said. Here are a few examples just on the first page:
"It’s an expensive home. Soulless. No children live here." One can readily assume an expensive, soulless house has no children.
"She used to be quite attractive, but heartbreak has ruined her looks." Since it's so early in the story, we don't know anything about Alison and thus an action line like this is meaningless.
"Jittery. Stressed out. Has to hold the gun with both hands to keep it steady." Why not just the last sentence? It's visual, and one can assume that she'll be jittery and stressed out if that's the case.
"she’s lost a lot of blood. Weak. Dying." Again, if she's lost a lot of blood it stand to reason she's weak and dying.
"You should’ve killed me when you had the chance." Sheesh, what an awful, stock action movie line, especially after Marlene's very nice line, "It’s not about who wins. It’s about who loses the least." The fact that someone else says this line again makes it worse.
And that's just the first page. How many times do you have lines like "This woman is going to drive him insane" regarding Lewis and Marlene. We get it, he loves her a whole bunch. And what about Okuda, who "worked hard for her position and earned everything she’s got." Okuda serves a very minor purpose in the story, so why tell any information about this? If her integrity is so important to convey, why not have her do something that shows it, perhaps in contrast to the weary and morally lax Wilcox. And so on.
Which leads me to probably the most baffling action line: SISSY KURTZMAN (30s) dubs the dialog to a Japanese animated porno film. She’s poised. Would’ve made a great First Lady.
eh? If there's anything in this story that you can get away with mentioning once without ever mentioning again, this ain't it. Sissy is a minor character, who functions as little more than Alison's conscience. So what's she doing dubbing hentai, and why? What do you mean she would have made a great First Lady? If you're not going to stick with the "write what you can see and hear on the screen" rule of thumb, then you have to think about what kind of information you are telling and if it's necessary or redundant.
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A review of The Other Museumby nohaybanda on 01/20/2012I think the premise for this script is really great. I have a lame science museum in my town as well, and I can easily imagine how bored these kids must be to have to go to it every year. And I like the idea of the kids' imaginations going haywire in this kind of environment, the exhibits coming alive and rhinoceroses and emus running around (and the dream with Jenna and Tyler... I think the premise for this script is really great. I have a lame science museum in my town as well, and I can easily imagine how bored these kids must be to have to go to it every year. And I like the idea of the kids' imaginations going haywire in this kind of environment, the exhibits coming alive and rhinoceroses and emus running around (and the dream with Jenna and Tyler on the bus was hilarious). Your main characters, while almost there, still need a tiny bit more work. You have Felix, an immature kid who has the best imagination, Jenna, a too-mature kid who is the worst, and Tyler, who is somewhere in between. I noticed that, aside from the kids and teacher escaping from all the crazy stuff, not much happens between them. What if it's Jenna who keeps insisting that she wants to grow up, and forces Tyler to as well? Have Jenna insist on adult menus, and have Tyler say that it's cheaper for kid menus, and so on? As it is, she seems ambivalent about it when other characters call her out on it. Furthermore, Felix and Tyler could have been good friends until Jenna came along, which creates some tension between them. In addition to dealing with the Supreme and all his craziness, these could help create some tension and opportunities for conflict with each other.
And here's a crazy idea for Mr. Pool. Instead of having the science museum be his favorite place, how about have him be just as sick of it as the kids are? A science teacher who has no time for imagination and frivolity? Right now he kind of seems like a dope and not someone I can really get behind to lead the kids around. But what if he's a complete stick in the mud through the whole trip and has to endure another chirpy teacher who loves going there, and the curator. Maybe he secretly likes the curator even though he can't stand her enthusiasm about the place. Also, when everything crazy starts to happen, it would make Mr. Pool and his bitterness and authority useless, and he'll have to learn how to be like the kids and try to be a little immature if he means to escape with them.
A few more things. I like the idea of the museum patrons being able to see the four main characters, but when you cut back to them and they don't really do anything except watch them, it kind of gets stale. I like how you had Felix gossip about another boy and didn't know he was right there watching him. Perhaps you could use this a bit more, and have all the characters talk about others candidly, not knowing that those people can hear them? At the very least I think this aspect of the story needs something more.
And finally, the Supreme (I'm not too crazy about the name. What if he has a weird intergalactic name that no one can pronounce, Grzzrgax the Supreme or something, and since no one can pronounce it they just call him the Supreme, which makes him angrier every time). First of all, I don't really get the Southern accent thing, unless it's some way of feeding off the imaginations of other people. In that case, why stop at the Southern accent? Make him an even crazier, more unstable character, and have him segue into many different voices or even recognizable characters from pop culture? Also, there's a long scene between him and the children where he explains himself, and that he needs the kids' brainwaves to power a ship or something. I wonder if it's a good idea or not to have this scene as it is, since he pretty much tells him he wants the children to think stuff up, and they proceed to do that throughout the rest of the script. I'm glad you had the twist at the end with him, because when he says "Yes, I’m here representing Did-You-Really-Think-It-Would-Be-That-Easy-Monthly" (which is a great line, by the way), I was thinking exactly that at the end of the spaceship chase, as good a scene as it was. As in, that was way too easy for them. I don't know, but there's something not quite right about his first expository scene with the kids that needs work, as it reveals some things that maybe his character doesn't want to reveal just yet. read -
A review of Cody Dumas: Demon Hustlerby nohaybanda on 07/03/2011I like the idea of a demon hustler, and Cody was well-written and had some funny dialogue, enough that I would have liked to see him tricking and hustling even more of these demons. I also liked the fact that Cody had several ancestors in different iconic places and times, and I think if you ever did a rewrite you could expand on this a lot more, and have Sarina and Cody interact... I like the idea of a demon hustler, and Cody was well-written and had some funny dialogue, enough that I would have liked to see him tricking and hustling even more of these demons. I also liked the fact that Cody had several ancestors in different iconic places and times, and I think if you ever did a rewrite you could expand on this a lot more, and have Sarina and Cody interact with these different locations and characters to find out things they need to know. I think it would be really cool to see a demon hunting cowboy and gangster all in the same film.
I did, however, find a few problems as far as plot mechanics, some small, some not so much:
1. If the stones can be broken at any time, and I'm assuming the collector is working with the demon hunters, then why would he keep it? Doesn't Alric need all of the stones to activate the train? If he destroyed one stone, then problem solved forever. This is probably the biggest problem for me and took me out of the story, fun as it was, whenever I thought about it, and I think this macguffin is what needs to be rethought the most. Now that I think about it, why couldn't the reavers have just been created to find the stones and break the damn things for good?
2. What exactly is Alric, and what does he want? Earlier on someone said the Reavers were created to keep hell closed and the devil inside. First of all, how did demons get out in the first place, and how are there demons walking around the earth if the Dumases close the gates every generation? And earlier, you said that reavers were demons created by God to keep the demons at bay. But Alric betrays the other reavers because he wants the devil to accept him, and calls him his "father." I think it would make more sense for Alric not to have this need, but instead perhaps have the devil tempt him into killing the other reavers in exchange for something else. On the other hand, it doesn't make much sense that God would create more demons. And now wait a minute, so God creates the reavers to keep him locked up, which means he creates Alric for that purpose, who eventually abandons it and tries to release him anyway. So who was trying to get him out before? Is it just Alric trying to do it now, which necessitates the Dumas bloodline thing? Or is someone else trying to do it as well?
Also, while I liked Alric in the beginning of your script, he became progressively duller for me. I think he would be better suited as a smart, suave gentlemanly type of villain that contrasts with Cody's street-smart coarseness. As it is now, having him spout dialogue like "I ain't bringing you back, girly!" or "don't make me snap my fingers, bitch!" isn't really cutting it for me.
3.I was really confused in the beginning, when you introduced the Rocker. I thought the Rocker was about to hustle the rocker girl, who turned into a Giant demon, and then Cody, who was still the rocker, was trying to fight him, which then made me wonder why Cody had never heard of demons. Just give his father a name in this part, and give the giant a name like Joe or Mike or whatever. That's not the sort of thing you want a reader to think about or go back to.
4. There's got to be something better for Marson and Gabe to do. With these kinds of characters, you know going in that eventually these guys are toast, especially since Gabe is married to the love interest. I just didn't care as much as I should have when these two characters died because I know that's what they were created for. We see very little of Gabe and Sarina together, so all we know is they love each other, which is supposed to create an arbitrary sadness when he dies. What if Cody tries to flirt with Sarina, but it never works out because she loves Gabe too much, who (radical, I know) never dies in the script, but keeps up this rivalry with Cody?
5. Speaking of expendable characters, why can't Bobby cast any spells against the ice demon if he's a warlock? What does he mean by no juice? Does he have to power his warlock ring or something? I think it would make more sense if Bobby put up and honest warlock effort and then got dispatched by the demon anyway, otherwise Cody's father wasn't very smart for letting a bum warlock protect him.
Otherwise I thought this was a fun premise and I really enjoyed reading this. read
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Submissions by nohaybanda
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a screenplay by nohaybanda
A brilliant but weak engineer learns to fight back when an opportunistic king abuses his inventions.
-
a screenplay by nohaybanda
When a fearsome demon army kidnaps the princess, a stout-hearted but bumbling knight must rescue her... twice.
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a screenplay by nohaybandaGenres: comedy, mystery/suspense
Five suspects each admit they killed a gasmask profiteer in a town beset by a poisonous gas.
Reviews by nohaybanda 70
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A review of Survival Instinctby nohaybanda on 01/27/2012The biggest problem with this script is its familiar conventions, in that it's a story about a family man/woman who's a criminal, and their criminal life threatens to uproot his or her familial life. I read this and thought, of course Lewis will find out about Marlene's double life, in which event they will probably argue a lot about it and then realize they love each other,... The biggest problem with this script is its familiar conventions, in that it's a story about a family man/woman who's a criminal, and their criminal life threatens to uproot his or her familial life. I read this and thought, of course Lewis will find out about Marlene's double life, in which event they will probably argue a lot about it and then realize they love each other, of course the Contractor is going to have to double cross Marlene, of course someone's going to attack her in her house and threaten her family, of course she'll be forced to kill the Contractor even though he was her mentor, and it's a good thing she has a stash of money in her floorboards (even a character notes how stock that trope is). I'm almost positive I read a script or two on Triggerstreet alone that pretty much mirrors all the story beats of this script. Aside from that, there are two examples that immediately come to mind: Road to Perdition (a great example) and Contraband (a recent example, not so great). I'll use Road to Perdition as a comparison point, since it's my favorite example of the kind of story you have written.
Road has the same tropes that this story has: a family man who is a mobster, a job that goes wrong, an old, kindly mentor who's forced to take action against the main character, a main antagonist that the family man takes vengeance on. But neither of these are what is interesting about the movie. You also have the weird relationship between Tom Hanks and his son, who teaches him how to be a gangster as he hopes he won't end up one like him, you have the dynamic between the old gangster and his treacherous son, and you have a nice psycho in Jude Law's character chasing them along the way (the cinematography's not bad, either). My point is, whether it's the period setting or different avenues the story goes once it meets the common tropes, there is something original and interesting about this film that your script needs. It was starting to get there when Marlene gave the gun to Alison to see if she could kill her husband, but she sort of petered out into a less-than-menacing antagonist, a shrill, hysterical, spoiled brat who does so many irrational, illogical things that in the end you don't really take her seriously as a villain so much you as just feel sorry for her and hope she'll stop or get shot soon. The final scene between the Contractor and Marlene is nice too, where he sort of hints that he might be her father, unless I'm wrong. But that's really not enough. Predictability is this story's biggest flaw, especially in regards to her relationship with Lewis and her daughter.
One other thing. I try not to automatically call out unfilmables, as I feel there not in themselves a big deal and sometimes can be effective. But there's an awful lot here, so many that I feel like it's a part of your writing style. That's fine, and I'm not going to say you should stop, but be wary of writing unnecessary lines. A lot of your action lines dictate information that is either already understood by what's going on in the action or would be more effective if it wasn't said. Here are a few examples just on the first page:
"It’s an expensive home. Soulless. No children live here." One can readily assume an expensive, soulless house has no children.
"She used to be quite attractive, but heartbreak has ruined her looks." Since it's so early in the story, we don't know anything about Alison and thus an action line like this is meaningless.
"Jittery. Stressed out. Has to hold the gun with both hands to keep it steady." Why not just the last sentence? It's visual, and one can assume that she'll be jittery and stressed out if that's the case.
"she’s lost a lot of blood. Weak. Dying." Again, if she's lost a lot of blood it stand to reason she's weak and dying.
"You should’ve killed me when you had the chance." Sheesh, what an awful, stock action movie line, especially after Marlene's very nice line, "It’s not about who wins. It’s about who loses the least." The fact that someone else says this line again makes it worse.
And that's just the first page. How many times do you have lines like "This woman is going to drive him insane" regarding Lewis and Marlene. We get it, he loves her a whole bunch. And what about Okuda, who "worked hard for her position and earned everything she’s got." Okuda serves a very minor purpose in the story, so why tell any information about this? If her integrity is so important to convey, why not have her do something that shows it, perhaps in contrast to the weary and morally lax Wilcox. And so on.
Which leads me to probably the most baffling action line: SISSY KURTZMAN (30s) dubs the dialog to a Japanese animated porno film. She’s poised. Would’ve made a great First Lady.
eh? If there's anything in this story that you can get away with mentioning once without ever mentioning again, this ain't it. Sissy is a minor character, who functions as little more than Alison's conscience. So what's she doing dubbing hentai, and why? What do you mean she would have made a great First Lady? If you're not going to stick with the "write what you can see and hear on the screen" rule of thumb, then you have to think about what kind of information you are telling and if it's necessary or redundant.
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A review of The Other Museumby nohaybanda on 01/20/2012I think the premise for this script is really great. I have a lame science museum in my town as well, and I can easily imagine how bored these kids must be to have to go to it every year. And I like the idea of the kids' imaginations going haywire in this kind of environment, the exhibits coming alive and rhinoceroses and emus running around (and the dream with Jenna and Tyler... I think the premise for this script is really great. I have a lame science museum in my town as well, and I can easily imagine how bored these kids must be to have to go to it every year. And I like the idea of the kids' imaginations going haywire in this kind of environment, the exhibits coming alive and rhinoceroses and emus running around (and the dream with Jenna and Tyler on the bus was hilarious). Your main characters, while almost there, still need a tiny bit more work. You have Felix, an immature kid who has the best imagination, Jenna, a too-mature kid who is the worst, and Tyler, who is somewhere in between. I noticed that, aside from the kids and teacher escaping from all the crazy stuff, not much happens between them. What if it's Jenna who keeps insisting that she wants to grow up, and forces Tyler to as well? Have Jenna insist on adult menus, and have Tyler say that it's cheaper for kid menus, and so on? As it is, she seems ambivalent about it when other characters call her out on it. Furthermore, Felix and Tyler could have been good friends until Jenna came along, which creates some tension between them. In addition to dealing with the Supreme and all his craziness, these could help create some tension and opportunities for conflict with each other.
And here's a crazy idea for Mr. Pool. Instead of having the science museum be his favorite place, how about have him be just as sick of it as the kids are? A science teacher who has no time for imagination and frivolity? Right now he kind of seems like a dope and not someone I can really get behind to lead the kids around. But what if he's a complete stick in the mud through the whole trip and has to endure another chirpy teacher who loves going there, and the curator. Maybe he secretly likes the curator even though he can't stand her enthusiasm about the place. Also, when everything crazy starts to happen, it would make Mr. Pool and his bitterness and authority useless, and he'll have to learn how to be like the kids and try to be a little immature if he means to escape with them.
A few more things. I like the idea of the museum patrons being able to see the four main characters, but when you cut back to them and they don't really do anything except watch them, it kind of gets stale. I like how you had Felix gossip about another boy and didn't know he was right there watching him. Perhaps you could use this a bit more, and have all the characters talk about others candidly, not knowing that those people can hear them? At the very least I think this aspect of the story needs something more.
And finally, the Supreme (I'm not too crazy about the name. What if he has a weird intergalactic name that no one can pronounce, Grzzrgax the Supreme or something, and since no one can pronounce it they just call him the Supreme, which makes him angrier every time). First of all, I don't really get the Southern accent thing, unless it's some way of feeding off the imaginations of other people. In that case, why stop at the Southern accent? Make him an even crazier, more unstable character, and have him segue into many different voices or even recognizable characters from pop culture? Also, there's a long scene between him and the children where he explains himself, and that he needs the kids' brainwaves to power a ship or something. I wonder if it's a good idea or not to have this scene as it is, since he pretty much tells him he wants the children to think stuff up, and they proceed to do that throughout the rest of the script. I'm glad you had the twist at the end with him, because when he says "Yes, I’m here representing Did-You-Really-Think-It-Would-Be-That-Easy-Monthly" (which is a great line, by the way), I was thinking exactly that at the end of the spaceship chase, as good a scene as it was. As in, that was way too easy for them. I don't know, but there's something not quite right about his first expository scene with the kids that needs work, as it reveals some things that maybe his character doesn't want to reveal just yet. read -
A review of Cody Dumas: Demon Hustlerby nohaybanda on 07/03/2011I like the idea of a demon hustler, and Cody was well-written and had some funny dialogue, enough that I would have liked to see him tricking and hustling even more of these demons. I also liked the fact that Cody had several ancestors in different iconic places and times, and I think if you ever did a rewrite you could expand on this a lot more, and have Sarina and Cody interact... I like the idea of a demon hustler, and Cody was well-written and had some funny dialogue, enough that I would have liked to see him tricking and hustling even more of these demons. I also liked the fact that Cody had several ancestors in different iconic places and times, and I think if you ever did a rewrite you could expand on this a lot more, and have Sarina and Cody interact with these different locations and characters to find out things they need to know. I think it would be really cool to see a demon hunting cowboy and gangster all in the same film.
I did, however, find a few problems as far as plot mechanics, some small, some not so much:
1. If the stones can be broken at any time, and I'm assuming the collector is working with the demon hunters, then why would he keep it? Doesn't Alric need all of the stones to activate the train? If he destroyed one stone, then problem solved forever. This is probably the biggest problem for me and took me out of the story, fun as it was, whenever I thought about it, and I think this macguffin is what needs to be rethought the most. Now that I think about it, why couldn't the reavers have just been created to find the stones and break the damn things for good?
2. What exactly is Alric, and what does he want? Earlier on someone said the Reavers were created to keep hell closed and the devil inside. First of all, how did demons get out in the first place, and how are there demons walking around the earth if the Dumases close the gates every generation? And earlier, you said that reavers were demons created by God to keep the demons at bay. But Alric betrays the other reavers because he wants the devil to accept him, and calls him his "father." I think it would make more sense for Alric not to have this need, but instead perhaps have the devil tempt him into killing the other reavers in exchange for something else. On the other hand, it doesn't make much sense that God would create more demons. And now wait a minute, so God creates the reavers to keep him locked up, which means he creates Alric for that purpose, who eventually abandons it and tries to release him anyway. So who was trying to get him out before? Is it just Alric trying to do it now, which necessitates the Dumas bloodline thing? Or is someone else trying to do it as well?
Also, while I liked Alric in the beginning of your script, he became progressively duller for me. I think he would be better suited as a smart, suave gentlemanly type of villain that contrasts with Cody's street-smart coarseness. As it is now, having him spout dialogue like "I ain't bringing you back, girly!" or "don't make me snap my fingers, bitch!" isn't really cutting it for me.
3.I was really confused in the beginning, when you introduced the Rocker. I thought the Rocker was about to hustle the rocker girl, who turned into a Giant demon, and then Cody, who was still the rocker, was trying to fight him, which then made me wonder why Cody had never heard of demons. Just give his father a name in this part, and give the giant a name like Joe or Mike or whatever. That's not the sort of thing you want a reader to think about or go back to.
4. There's got to be something better for Marson and Gabe to do. With these kinds of characters, you know going in that eventually these guys are toast, especially since Gabe is married to the love interest. I just didn't care as much as I should have when these two characters died because I know that's what they were created for. We see very little of Gabe and Sarina together, so all we know is they love each other, which is supposed to create an arbitrary sadness when he dies. What if Cody tries to flirt with Sarina, but it never works out because she loves Gabe too much, who (radical, I know) never dies in the script, but keeps up this rivalry with Cody?
5. Speaking of expendable characters, why can't Bobby cast any spells against the ice demon if he's a warlock? What does he mean by no juice? Does he have to power his warlock ring or something? I think it would make more sense if Bobby put up and honest warlock effort and then got dispatched by the demon anyway, otherwise Cody's father wasn't very smart for letting a bum warlock protect him.
Otherwise I thought this was a fun premise and I really enjoyed reading this. read -
A review of Not Cops (rewrite)by nohaybanda on 06/29/2011This is kind of a hard script for me to review. While technically it's not a perfect script, I can't help but admit it was really funny. Structurally it's all over the place, the plot was complex and kind of confusing and after a while I sort of phased it out as I read. Some things don't really happen logically, and sometimes Sean and James don't act quite as consistently as... This is kind of a hard script for me to review. While technically it's not a perfect script, I can't help but admit it was really funny. Structurally it's all over the place, the plot was complex and kind of confusing and after a while I sort of phased it out as I read. Some things don't really happen logically, and sometimes Sean and James don't act quite as consistently as they should. Yeah, Sean's set up as the sloppy and cocky brother while James is the more responsible type, and it's true that they sort of want to better their own situations by not being fingerprint men and living in the pool house. But it seemed to me like they never really had a specific goal, and just sort of decided to start being crooked (or something), and from there the two of them wandered in and out of each scene, reacting to whatever happens to them.
Now, for any other script these would sound like harsh criticisms. But like I said, this script is really funny despite all of these problems. The beginning interrogation made no sense, but it was funny. It made no sense that the Chief would allow Joel to accompany them, but I was glad he did because Joel was consistently funny. It made no sense that the Chief ended up being the main villain, but the mid-run deduction of this, and the appearance of Joel's mom, was funny. You get the idea. So many things worked, from Joel's painful lameness (and the Cole, Joel and Joel joke, now that it occurs to me), to the shouting match between James and Sean, with James using a random suspect's finger for emphasis, to the two of them arguing out loud whether or not the bad guys could hear them. I laughed so many times at certain parts that I either forgot that the script has a sloppy structure or just didn't care. Which makes it hard for me to give you any suggestions on how to make it better, other than some really general not-helpful comments like "make the structure and characters better." That probably should happen, but as the plot confused me I have no idea where you would start. If it were shot as it is now, I have a feeling it would make one of those cult comedies that are "so dumb they're great." It might not sound like it, but that's high praise coming from me. read -
A review of BATTLESAURSby nohaybanda on 06/28/2011I have a feeling a few people are going to comment on your formatting, and so am I. It's a good idea not to include anything in your action lines that can't be seen or heard on the screen. That includes camera directions, "we see", or any sort of subjective statements, such as "the view is awesome!" or "there's an instant chemistry between them" or "he feels like something... I have a feeling a few people are going to comment on your formatting, and so am I. It's a good idea not to include anything in your action lines that can't be seen or heard on the screen. That includes camera directions, "we see", or any sort of subjective statements, such as "the view is awesome!" or "there's an instant chemistry between them" or "he feels like something terrible is about to happen." There's also a whole lot of exclamation points and words in all caps. What you're essentially doing is telling a reader that these things are supposed to be exciting! And when a reader is trying to read something objectively, it can be distracting! Especially when it occurs on every single page! See what I mean? Just use all periods in action lines, keep it as objective as possible.
I would start right off the bat by completely excising the present day framing device. It does no favors for the story. The prologue is essentially "hey, dinosaurs and humans existed," which we already know going in, and the ending with the faceless government agent is just silly. What on earth would the government stand to gain by repressing proof of the existence of dinosaurs? I think you've got a good opening with Umar fighting the Megalosaurus (although I'm not sure what a Megalosaurus is).
You've got a pretty good premise, but as it is now much of it is too underdeveloped. The two main characters are a good start. After the Megalosaurus fight we are immediately pulled into the plot, where two people we don't know very well have to fight against an enemy that, at the beginning of the story, we don't know at all. Umar is bigoted against dinosaurs, and we have no idea why. His bigotry, then, becomes tedious until we inevitably reaches the point where he realizes that We're All Not So Different After All. And Raja with her prophecy is another missed opportunity. People keep prattling on about the prophecy and her purple eyes, but we never know what it is, or what her eyes mean. Furthermore, she couldn't care less what any of it means either. Wouldn't it be more satisfying if Umar had a real, significant reason to hate dinosaurs, or if people kept hoisting an absurd prophecy on Raja that she had to struggle to live up to?
Same thing with the Masters. We don't see them until we're halfway into the story, and by then they're depicted as bland slave drivers. They have no specific goal other than to be badder and better than everyone. It's hard to care about the big fight that's coming up when all we really know about the Masters is what we're told through other characters. And finally, the ending. When it is revealed that all along, the Masters have a super-poison bomb that can kill off all the dinosaurs, not only is this a bummer ending, it sort of makes the whole story up to that point meaningless. The whole point of the story is that the battlesaurs have to get armor so they can be successful in a war against the masters. If the masters have the power to destroy all the monsters in one fell swoop, who cares about the battle or their efforts to prepare for it? read -
A review of Year of the Snake (R-2)by nohaybanda on 04/21/2011I had mixed feelings about this one. I found one half of this story very compelling while I was bored to death with the other. Fong's story is far superior to the other goings-on with Rob and George. Fong is easy to sympathize with and her story is grittier, more interesting and has more on the line. George, on the other hand, doesn't have a goal apart from bedding Alice the... I had mixed feelings about this one. I found one half of this story very compelling while I was bored to death with the other. Fong's story is far superior to the other goings-on with Rob and George. Fong is easy to sympathize with and her story is grittier, more interesting and has more on the line. George, on the other hand, doesn't have a goal apart from bedding Alice the nurse before Rob does, for no real reason other than love at first sight. I had read another script of yours, Onslaught, and I liked that one quite a bit. So I was actually surprised that you started a scene by having someone say "It's quiet. Too quiet..." When the first few scenes happened I said to myself, "oh great, I bet George and Alice are going to fall in love with each other and come to understand their cultural differences." The constant bickering between George and Rob is kind of puerile, and again, there's no real reason why it's happening except George really really likes Alice, much much more than Rob does. Even when we get to the final battle, none of it really matters. George, Rob and Alice are kind of thrust into it and maybe they'll live through it, maybe not, but one or two of them probably will because they really really love each other so much. Honestly, I was surprised how good the story with Fong was, considering how weak the other half is. And also, Fong's story really has nothing to do with this story at all, except for some superficial connections with Alice. I would seriously consider excising the entire love triangle bit out and making it totally about Fong. I would either develop the Fong story much more (which would give the colonel much more time and a better reason to fall in love with Fong, other than "the script's almost over and Fong has to be redeemed one way or another") and make George, Alice, or Rob supporting characters that pertain to Fong one way or another, or at least give them a better reason to be in the story. read
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A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by nohaybanda on 04/20/2011I usually dislike romantic comedies, but this script wasn't bad. I was surprised how much I liked Vince's character, the slacker who gets his buddy into various problems only to get him out of them. I thought his relationship with Joan was funnier and more interesting than the main one with Jimmy and Melissa (which isn't a terrible thing in itself I suppose), and I thought... I usually dislike romantic comedies, but this script wasn't bad. I was surprised how much I liked Vince's character, the slacker who gets his buddy into various problems only to get him out of them. I thought his relationship with Joan was funnier and more interesting than the main one with Jimmy and Melissa (which isn't a terrible thing in itself I suppose), and I thought her slowly torturing him with her constant rebuffs was good. I was at first afraid that she actually was a lesbian and you were going to have Vince convince her that she actually wasn't, but the "I'm definitely a lesbian" line made me laugh out loud. Also I thought at first that Jeffrey was going to grate on my nerves, as the barrister line got a little old after too many times. But I thought his story was funny too, how he throws in with the Filipino sailors and becomes their captain. It's a silly and absurd side story.
I think it could use a little more complicating matters though. The English accent, for example, could be a good opportunity. Jimmy just all of a sudden speaks with a English accent, which seemed weak to me. He could perhaps not be good at it all throughout, and be at constant odds with another character, Joan or Walter perhaps, who refuses to trust him. Or he could have a Cockney accent, and one of the characters could say "Aren't you from London? Why do you sound like Oliver Twist" or something like that. Or even better, "what's England like?" and have Jimmy describe scenes from movies like Snatch or whatever. Now that I think about it, a regular antagonist would benefit your script a whole lot, and then you could come up with more ridiculous situations where Joan or whoever disbelieves them and Vince or Jimmy come up with funny ways to convince them. The parents could also be used more as well. Have them call up Melissa and ask how Jeffrey is doing, and then she could say things that don't mesh with their experience of him. read -
A review of Parashitesby nohaybanda on 03/23/2011It is my opinion that there is a right way and a wrong way to write unfilmable lines, and your script has examples of both. I like lines like "a parasite BIGGER THAN A GODDAMN BULL" because it has attitude and conveys the tone you're going for, horror with tongue placed in cheek. When one has to slog through a screenplay a funny action line can help keep one's interest. However,... It is my opinion that there is a right way and a wrong way to write unfilmable lines, and your script has examples of both. I like lines like "a parasite BIGGER THAN A GODDAMN BULL" because it has attitude and conveys the tone you're going for, horror with tongue placed in cheek. When one has to slog through a screenplay a funny action line can help keep one's interest. However, I found there were too many lines like this:
"Claire is a natural beauty, very granola - yoga, earth tones, an urban hippie. She’s a senior studying Sociology at Martin College."
"The ORIGINAL Bee’s Burger Shack, the mom and pop shop that spawned a fast food empire."
"Celebrity has arrived. Kevin is a senior at Martin College and the star of their award-winning show choir."
Does it really matter to the story that Claire is specifically a senior at Martin College, or that she's studying Sociology? Lines like this not only list exposition that are either readily apparent on the screen or have better ways of being shown, but they're missed opportunities for comedy or drama as well. If Bee's Burgers is such a fast food empire, why not show a ridiculous commercial, especially considering they're sort of responsible for spreading the parasites? If Pat is a former Marine, don't just tell us, give us a funny line. "You're lucky we're not in the Marines, or else I'd..."
As for the rest of the story, this is a kind of script done before many times, and two things will distinguish yours from the others: the characters and the gore. There's plenty of the latter here, as I found myself remembering stuff like the dog with the parasite or the pregnant lady attacked through the womb (although I wish the latter instance was more relevant to the story or characters, and not just a random pregnant lady for the sake of a shocking moment). Later on in the script it could use some more memorable moments like this, as it seemed to be a series of pretty young college kids dying one by one.
The characters could use a bit of differentiation too. I did like Kevin as a selfish jerk who worms his way out of death by screwing over other people (although it may have been me, but I didn't realize it was Kevin who was involved in the rape case until the very end, so you may or may not want to make this clearer in the beginning). The three guy friends of Claire, and Melody for the most part, don't really add much except food for the parasites. What if Melody was even pettier than she is now, and kept on resenting Claire for having the one bite of meat, especially if that meat indirectly causes someone else harm? Think about little interactions or conflicts like that, to break up the constant "time to kill the parasites" moments. read -
A review of Sharpe and Savageby nohaybanda on 03/16/2011It's extremely difficult to care about anything that happens in this script, and there are three big reasons why: Sharpe, Savage, and Brighton. Let's start with the first one. Deanna is unlikable and out of her damned mind, and therefore not the greatest choice for a protagonist. Okay, so she was molested when she was younger, but I hear about people all the time who are victims... It's extremely difficult to care about anything that happens in this script, and there are three big reasons why: Sharpe, Savage, and Brighton. Let's start with the first one. Deanna is unlikable and out of her damned mind, and therefore not the greatest choice for a protagonist. Okay, so she was molested when she was younger, but I hear about people all the time who are victims of sexual assault who grow up to be normal. Deanna, on the other hand, grows up to be smart, but egotisitcal, selfish, and abnormally contemptuous of men. As she is the protagonist, you are asking me to care about someone with each of these personality problems, someone that any reasonable person would never want to associate, never mind identify with. In addition, she thinks it's okay to kill a person because said person will give her less than a 4.0 GPA, because it's SO UNFAIR that she has to actually show up to her classes in order to get full credit. Let's hear that again. Because she won't get perfect grades, because she thinks she's too good to go to classes, she thinks it's okay to KILL someone. I already hate this person. Also, anyone alive past World War II who thinks Nietzche's ubermensch idea is still a viable philosophy is either insane, a neo-nazi, or just hasn't read Crime and Punishment yet. Okay, fine, so the professor is a sleazebag, but she's a smart girl. How about she figures out a way to get him fired? Easy. You see, real people, normal people, don't usually want to kill other people. Only crazy people WANT to kill others (think about Reservoir Dogs, the insane Mr. Blone versus Mr. White and Pink who say to each other over and over, "I don't want to kill anyone if I don't have to"). The only time good people ever kill others is in self-defense, or if they're in the military. Even most criminals try to commit crimes without killing others, and even assassins try to take out only the target without unnecessary collateral damage. My point is, if a rational person were trying to come up with some sort of plan wherein they needed to get something important, the absolute LAST thing that would occur to said rational person is "hey, why don't I just kill him?" So as a strong, relatable protagonist, Deanna absolutely fails.
Okay, what about Cecily then? This could be interesting, Cecily falls for the bright, beautiful Deanna, without realizing what she's gotten herself into, slowly realizing she's bat-shit insane. Problem is, Cecily is maddeningly passive in this script. After a meeting at the gym, and after about an hour of knowing Deanna, she agrees to move in with her, and after about a night or so Deanna convinces Cecliy to sleep with her, even when I get the feeling that Cecliy isn't really a lesbian anyway, which then leads me to believe that if their relationship can be basically summed up in 6 pages, the writer doesn't know much about women and their relationship is little more than a guy wish-fulfillment thing. But that's mere speculation, so anyway. So her kooky roommate eventually tells her, hey, I've been into this case where these dumb guys were really into Nietzche and tried to do the perfect murder, want to try it out with me? Again, if a person is rational, a normal response to such a question is "no." Or at the very least, "uh, what was that? about you murdering someone?" Or "are you out of your goddamned mind"? You get the idea. Instead, she barely bats an eye and says "I would do anything for you." I don't buy for a minute that she agrees to it because "she loves her so much." I've been in love with a few people in my day, but if I was ever with someone who wanted me to be an accomplice to a murder (especially one as selfish and unnecessary as this one), I'd draw up some divorce papers, or move out of the one-bedroom studio apartment, or whatever, in a heartbeat. No discussion. She doesn't fare much better later on. Literally ever scene after this has Cecily crying because she's afraid she'll get caught. At that point in the story I honestly don't care if she does, because she's an idiot and if she does she deserves it.
So. Maybe we have something if there's a strong detective character who brings this psycho lady and her airhead roommate to justice. Well, we don't quite get that either. Instead we get Brighton. A guy who, in the year 2011, unironically says "I'm too old for this shit." A detective who doesn't know what GHB is (come on man, I learned what GHB was when I was eleven, in fifth grade DARE class!). You have an episode of CSI, then, where the bad guy gets away with the crime and the hour-long episode of crime work was all a waste of time. You essentially have nothing to be emotionally invested in. I don't care about the girls because they're such terrible people, and I don't care about Brighton or the police procedural because it eventually leads to nothing. In order for this story to work, one of these characters has to be drastically reworked. read -
A review of Cupid: God of Loveby nohaybanda on 03/15/2011I try not to be an "unfilmable" Nazi when I review on this site, as sometimes a well-placed unfilmable line can be interesting. But there were too many of them in this script, and not the good kind either. A line like "he feels sad because he's thinking about Abbey" is impossible to see in a film and just lazy. There were also many instances of specific songs used, none of... I try not to be an "unfilmable" Nazi when I review on this site, as sometimes a well-placed unfilmable line can be interesting. But there were too many of them in this script, and not the good kind either. A line like "he feels sad because he's thinking about Abbey" is impossible to see in a film and just lazy. There were also many instances of specific songs used, none of which were important to what's going on, but included as if the reader knows what the incidental soundtrack to the film is. These things, along with the opening shot which you warned about in your notes, are really not up to the writer to decide, and are also not very interesting choices either. An experienced writer can use an unfilmable line sparingly, to punctuate a scene or showcase his attitude, but in this case I'd say avoid them altogether.
Now, the story. The premise has potential, but it is woefully underused. Most of the characters are kind of bland to me, filling particular stock types while not really standing out, Radley the goofy stoner friend, Brett the lonely, rejected main character, Clayton the egotistical asshole. The dialogue isn't anything special, and scenes just sort of happen without any tension or snappy lines. For example, Radley and Cupid get high, bust stuff up in Brett's apartment, Brett comes home and is upset. So what? Abbey and Kate gossip about Clayton, and how Abbey kissed him. Kate says "maybe he's setting you up for the kill," and then "makes a gesture implying sex." It's scenes like this where characters just kind of talk, kind of boring and static, and opportunities for jokes don't really happen.
And then there's Cupid. This is the main premise of the script, what sets it apart from being about a bunch of dull people falling in and out of love. I recalled about 30 or so pages of Cupidness, in a 104 page script. Why, in a story where a guy has Cupid at his disposal, do we spend so much time with Clayton and Abbey, or Brett trying to get with Pam? Why are the other characters more interested in using Cupid's abilities than your main character, and if your main character doesn't care about the main hook of your script, why should anyone? You have plenty of opportunities that I think you completely miss out on here. Make Brett determined to use Cupid to get Abbey back, make Cupid impetuous and stubborn instead of so passive, make Brett cajole him into using his powers, make crazy things happen when things don't work out as well. It's an interesting enough premise, it's just gone in such a weak direction that it's hard to be invested in it. read
Comments About nohaybanda 53
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J. O'Hanley on 01/20/2012
Hey there, thanks for reviewing "The Other Museum." I have to say, a lot of what you said got me thinking.
You've basically pointed out what I thought were the two biggest weaknesses of the script, that I hoped would sneak past people. One, the three kids need some more character development, they're basically interchangeable in a lot of scenes (kind of a dilemma, you want to build them up a little in the beginning because big adventure setpieces dominate the rest of the script, but you also want to get to said adventure ASAP). And there are too many scenes of exposition, particularly with The Supreme's introduction. But something you said made me realize, if The Supreme's main goal is to just get the kids to imagine up more things, there's no reason he can't be fabricating his backstory and the various "rules" of the place and crystal and what have you. So if I'm spending that much time coming up with a convoluted explanation for what becomes a big mislead, I can simplify all that immensely and spend more time developing the kids, particularly their relationship to each other.
Shoot... I already want to get to work and upload that version instead, but I've almost a dozen pending assignments on this draft. Guess I'll see if they can offer anything as insightful as well. But in any case, thanks again, both for the review and the food for thought.
P.S. Ditto on the bio. -
Johnstone82 on 01/18/2012
Wow. That. Is. Brilliant. Applying a Beckett perspective onto the supermarket scene from 28 Days Later (I am a fan of both the author--only read Godot so far--and Boyle's film). Seriously, thank you for the suggestion! I was pretty much spinning my tires on the main plot of the story and have gotten mixed reviews on it so far. I may run with your idea and nix the Hell aspect altogether and focus completely on the five survivors' attempt at living with each other.
However, that does offer new complications: no real urgency, not incredibly commercial, etc. I'll let it simmer for awhile.
Again, huge thanks for your thoughts. Even if I stick with the Hell aspect, I'll revisit Hoffen and the Oswald/William subplot.
John -
Jay_Stanners on 07/12/2011
Yeah, I agree with you sentiment. This friend of mine keeps quoting him in an effort to make me change my own script into something that I suppose feels more Hollywood...and to me not particularly interesting or creative.
I think you obviously have to understand structure and 'the rules", but ultimately it shouldn't be a wag-the-dog situation where the script must serve the rules, regardless of how well it's working..if it works, it works! -
Jay_Stanners on 07/12/2011
No problem, thanks for the great read. Let me ask you something, the quote you have about Blake Snyder in your bio, where is that from? I have a friend who swears by the guy. -
capper on 07/09/2011
Thanks for the review of Crankshafted.
The disclaimer is not to say I'm edgy, but to warn those who are sensitive. When I don't put them on I get reviewers complaining about the amount of dick jokes, how it isn't their style of humour, how childish I am, etc, etc, etc. With the disclaimer, I get a bit more target audience reviews... who will also complain about the amount of dick jokes ;p
I agree with the tourettes; I got a bit excited when writing her character in, and I have already toned her down more, and made her tic occur to bounce off other people's dialogue, which should hopefully increase the comedy.
Middle Eastern cabbie - I got the Greek guy, so I didn't want to overdo the scene too much with whacky characters. The middle Eastern cabbie is my most "normal" character in the script!
Gay bit - ratio wise, more people like it, so I will be keeping it, however it's good to know what people think.
Again, thanks for the review.
Cheers
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MarkZak26 on 07/03/2011
Hey, thanks for reviewing Cody Dumas.
Your comments on Alric have sparked an idea... I’m going to make it so that he’s lost someone important to him. The devil says he’ll bring them back if Alric releases him from hell.
Good point about the stones. I guess I was thinking it had to be someone as powerful as Cody to destroy them, but then again I was also trying to get across that this was the first time he did it this way. He opened the dimensions other ways before. Either way it’s a good starting point for the rewrite.
I’ll work on Alric’s character more in the rewrite. I had a small scene that felt a little goofy so I took it out. Alric is meditating, he gets Chinese food delivered. He asks if the delivery boy remembered the extra sauce, delivery boy says no, so Alric kills him. Too goofy, right?
The thing with Bobby is, he hasn’t used his magic mojo for a long time... I wanted him to struggle with Blast. In the rewrite I’m defiantly going to have him put up more of a fight!
I actually brought Gabe and Marson back at the end. Cody’s power to bring the dead back to life... but in the end, and with a friend’s advice I decided not to. I’ll work on them some more too. I just didn’t want to have too much in there in the first draft.
Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed it.
Mark
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MarkZak26 on 06/30/2011
Nice! If you get time to read it, I hope you enjoy it.
Mark -
jakenp on 06/30/2011
Also--love your take on Blake Snyder. I've been thinking about the fact that, in a strange way, we've come to a point where a man who wrote probably the two least important movies ever made influences EVERYTHING (bad and good) that gets written and made.
But hey--I try to save the cat just the same as the next guy, so maybe I should be thanking the guy.
Best-- -
jakenp on 06/30/2011
Hey, thanks for the review of "Not Cops." Thoughtful criticism and some kind words--always nice. -
davidmcewing on 04/22/2011
Thanks for your review of 'Year of the Snake.' I quess I can't please everyone.
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Comments About nohaybanda 53
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Quote
Hey there, thanks for reviewing "The Other Museum." I have to say, a lot of what you said got me thinking.
-
Quote
Wow. That. Is. Brilliant. Applying a Beckett perspective onto the supermarket scene from 28 Days Later (I am a fan of both the author--only read Godot so far--and Boyle's film). Seriously, thank you for the suggestion! I was pretty much spinning my tires on the main plot of the story and have gotten mixed reviews on it so far. I may run with your idea and nix the Hell aspect altogether and focus completely on the five survivors' attempt at living with each other.
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Quote
Yeah, I agree with you sentiment. This friend of mine keeps quoting him in an effort to make me change my own script into something that I suppose feels more Hollywood...and to me not particularly interesting or creative.
+ more commentsJ. O'Hanley on 01/20/2012
You've basically pointed out what I thought were the two biggest weaknesses of the script, that I hoped would sneak past people. One, the three kids need some more character development, they're basically interchangeable in a lot of scenes (kind of a dilemma, you want to build them up a little in the beginning because big adventure setpieces dominate the rest of the script, but you also want to get to said adventure ASAP). And there are too many scenes of exposition, particularly with The Supreme's introduction. But something you said made me realize, if The Supreme's main goal is to just get the kids to imagine up more things, there's no reason he can't be fabricating his backstory and the various "rules" of the place and crystal and what have you. So if I'm spending that much time coming up with a convoluted explanation for what becomes a big mislead, I can simplify all that immensely and spend more time developing the kids, particularly their relationship to each other.
Shoot... I already want to get to work and upload that version instead, but I've almost a dozen pending assignments on this draft. Guess I'll see if they can offer anything as insightful as well. But in any case, thanks again, both for the review and the food for thought.
P.S. Ditto on the bio.
Johnstone82 on 01/18/2012
However, that does offer new complications: no real urgency, not incredibly commercial, etc. I'll let it simmer for awhile.
Again, huge thanks for your thoughts. Even if I stick with the Hell aspect, I'll revisit Hoffen and the Oswald/William subplot.
John
Jay_Stanners on 07/12/2011
I think you obviously have to understand structure and 'the rules", but ultimately it shouldn't be a wag-the-dog situation where the script must serve the rules, regardless of how well it's working..if it works, it works!