OliRichards

A review of Long Shot

by OliRichards on 02/18/2012

This is a very accomplished screenplay. The writing is very good, characters well developed, plot moves along nicely and it's a nice concept. The big question for me is, is it funny enough? I'm not sure. There's some good comedy in there, but I think you need more - it's just not packed enough with laughs yet. There's plenty of potential to do this - the dwarfs, Scott... read

Ah-ha review

A review of Ah-Ha

by OliRichards on 02/18/2012

I like the premise of this movie - a gang that steal a lot of money, get robbed in turn, and then have to try and get it in order to return it to avoid worse trouble. It's a great plot and one that you could have a lot of fun with. Regarding the characters, I thought the main ones all spoke with too similtar voices. When I covered over the name and just read the speech I... read

Skippy review

A review of The Resurrection of Skippy Poindexter

by OliRichards on 02/17/2012

Hmmm, not sure what to make of this. It's clearly very well written, and there is a strong grasp of plot, character and pace. It just, well, didn't grab me. I think because it's a comedy but it didn't make me laugh very much. There were some good lines, but it wasn't out and out funny. The twists at the end came thick and fast and I didn't expect them, so that was good... read

The False Flag

A review of The False Flag

by OliRichards on 12/19/2011

For me this was both really good and really frustrating. First the good stuff – you can write, you can build tension, you can conjure up great action sequences, you can do realistic sounding dialogue, you can sustain a story over the length of a movie. All really great stuff. So why the frustration? There were a few things that I had a real problem with in this movie that... For me this was both really good and really frustrating. First the good stuff – you can write, you can build tension, you can conjure up great action sequences, you can do realistic sounding dialogue, you can sustain a story over the length of a movie. All really great stuff.

So why the frustration? There were a few things that I had a real problem with in this movie that meant I just didn’t think it would work. I’ll run through them in what I consider to be most important to least important:

- There is no way Sean would have been chosen for this mission. This is the biggest top secret mission ever. They would have chosen people not just on their physical prowess but on their psychological attributes too – which includes the ability to follow orders, lack of emotional connection to harming others and not sabotaging a mission. I just find it completely unrealistic he would have been chosen. And for them to have picked two dud people who go AWOL – no chance.

- Tied in with the first point. I didn’t find Sean was set up as a character well enough – one training run, then he joins a group in which everyone seems to hate him, and then the main event which he rebels on. We’d need a bit more story on the group, him becoming part of it, maybe one or two successful missions, him and Kitty perhaps chatting about how it’s getting all too much as Duke seems happy to kill anyone in his path, women and children included etc etc. In other words build up to him going off mission and make it a proper story.

- Why on earth did Duke not order Jugs to execute Sean on p.47? Maybe I missed something but it seems incredible he didn’t.

- The shoot out that Sean and especially Kitty engage in at the end is way over the top. Rambo ridiculous in the number of people they kill and the number of bullets that happen to miss.

- Why did they put make-up on themselves? I know it’s meant to be top secret but their cover could have been blown by a security guard spotting they had a silly outfit on. Surely there would have been a process in place to ensure the disguises were perfect.

- Kitty hiding in the mattress – really neat idea, but she wouldn’t have been able to replace the sheets.

I think your main difficulty is that these kinds of movies have reached a high level of sophistication. Films like the Bourne series and MI series have the same great level of action you do, but better back stories, plots and conversation between highly clever people engaging in battles of wits rather than the swearing and cheap jibes that you write. That sounds incredibly negative and it’s not meant to be. You’re a very good writer, it’s just that the good movies out there in this genre, which I really like, have great writing. I think you could get there though. Good luck! read

Southern Hospitality

A review of Southern Hospitality (Cherry Poppin' rev)

by OliRichards on 11/30/2011

I liked this a lot. It was action packed, full of twists, had a satisfying conclusion and flowed smoothly. The main drawback for me was that it felt like a movie that had already been made many times over - the groups of gangsters all chasing after money and all getting shot at the end except for the hero who escapes. So low on originality. Having said that, I'm sure there... read

The Senator

A review of The Senator

by OliRichards on 11/29/2011

I thought this was a good attempt at a politics satire. However I feel it still doesn't quite work as is, it needs some sharpening up. It's not satirical enough to be a proper satire, yet it's too satirical to be a straight work. If you’re going for satire then I feel you’ve got to go more for out and out comedy. There were some great bits, such as when the senator got... read

Jigsaw

A review of Jigsaw (revisited)

by OliRichards on 11/28/2011

Overall this has a great set-up which doesn’t deliver for me. More needed to be made of Nehemiah’s background and why he was doing what he was doing (for example he killed his daughter accidentally and Raymond told him he was going to kill his own daughter, which leads to Nehemiah thinking that in some strange way saving Raymond’s daughter would atone for his murder). At... Overall this has a great set-up which doesn’t deliver for me. More needed to be made of Nehemiah’s background and why he was doing what he was doing (for example he killed his daughter accidentally and Raymond told him he was going to kill his own daughter, which leads to Nehemiah thinking that in some strange way saving Raymond’s daughter would atone for his murder). At the moment I don’t really buy his motives.

I also don’t buy Raymond’s motive – why does he want to kill his daughter. Maybe I missed it but if it’s just because he’s a psycho I’m not sure that’s strong enough.

While the twist was a good one, it didn’t seem big enough for me to warrant the whole screenplay revolving around that one twist.

On the plus side I like the Becky/Wiley dynamic and the writing is smooth and the language lifelike. .

As the main characters don’t appear to have strong motives, I failed to get into the screenplay. Feel free to ignore, but I think a stronger core theme would be something like Nehemiah returning home to seek forgiveness from his daughter, Raymond turns up all charming but kills people, and people think it’s Nehemiah. Then you have a set-up where the audience know one thing, the characters another, and you can really play on that.

If you don’t fancy going down that route then I’d cut it down 20 pages (for example when Nehemiah first comes into town it’s very slow moving), work on the motivations of the central characters and get the action moving more quickly.

There were a few typos (such as on p.92 when you use Becky instead of Wiley) so a quick check all the way through would be good. Also there are a few places where you write things that can’t be shown on screen, such as on p.58 when you write ‘Wiley falls apart’ or on p.97 when you write ‘He’s lost in his shattered world’. It’s better to write out the actions which lead the audience to pick up on the emotions rather than the other way round.

Sorry not to be more positive. I think it does have potential and you are clearly a good writer, it needs a bit more working on. read

Humanimal review

A review of HUMANIMAL (2nd rev)

by OliRichards on 10/01/2011

I really liked this. I thought it was well written, funny and smooth. The formatting was spot on and the pace was great. It is one of the best things I've read on here. I normally have quite a bit to say but I haven't this time as it was so good. However I'll answer your questions. The quick reveal worked for me, as the script was strong enough not to rely on the mystery... read

Big Game Review

A review of Big Game

by OliRichards on 10/01/2011

I liked this movie. There's always something fun (maybe it's just me) in stories where humans are playing games for their life. There were twists and turns and multiple sub-plots to keep things interesting. I got a little lost at times with all the characters and each one's motive, and felt I didn't get to explore any one character enough. I see three main stories - Wilson's,... read

Review of Buzz

A review of Buzz

by OliRichards on 09/22/2011

I thought this was excellent. The pace was fast, the horror was shocking enough, the tension built up really well and there was a nice twist at the end. Here are the things that didn't quite work for me: It sometimes felt like the group were old friends, and sometimes like they hardly knew each other (such as the Tina and Rusty exchange on p.40/41). I guess this is because... I thought this was excellent. The pace was fast, the horror was shocking enough, the tension built up really well and there was a nice twist at the end.

Here are the things that didn't quite work for me:

It sometimes felt like the group were old friends, and sometimes like they hardly knew each other (such as the Tina and Rusty exchange on p.40/41). I guess this is because you're trying to give some back story to the characters, but it felt a little forced.

Patty and Dana immediately leaving the group when they have all arrived to go and camp is very odd, and it also didn't seem like they were part of the group. I wonder if they could've been picked up as hitchhikers on the way - makes it more plausible and could also add some comedy with the boys thinking they're picking up some hot girls but they're lesbians. You could still have them saying they'd stop by on the way back the following day.

p.62 Think you could make more of a joke out of Trevor being red with anger and then the Miwaukie Best - Trevor says something like it better not be Milwaukie Best and it is and everyone laughs as Trevor is too angry to speak.

p.93 I just can’t see Crystal and Trevor splitting up, or Trevor not taking a gun after what they’ve just been through. Didn't work for me.

Ranger Bob ending is a nice twist but I think it needs to be significantly worked on. They were rude to him so he not only kills them but invents super gruesome ways to do so - it seems to tenuous. You need to make Ranger Bob a lot more weird at the beginning, perhaps hint more strongly that the campsite wasn't full but Bob insists anyway (perhaps because they can see). Make it not just about the group of friends we follow, but that a few sets have gone missing so he's a proper psycho. Here's an idea - make Ranger Bob REALLY creepy. The gang think it's him. Then the family photo and diary gets found earlier - they think it's the son. Then the twist is it's actually Bob all along. Just an idea.

Feel free to ignore my suggestions. I've written quite a lot you could change, but I think it's all easily fixable and the hard stuff is all there - tension, pace, horror - so I rate this really high. read

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