a screenplay
by Parthenis
Genres:
children/family
Four children devise a plan to search for a local gangster's gold.
Parthenis
member since 02/22/2003 |
last login 05/23/2013
I write reports all day at work. In between, I dream up movies in my head....
Bio
I write reports all day at work. In between, I dream up movies in my head.
Submissions by Parthenis
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a screenplay by ParthenisGenres: drama, sci-fi/fantasyAn advanced human-like alien is expelled from his planet for preaching about God and Heaven.
Reviews by Parthenis 63
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A review of Pachelbelby Parthenis on 05/12/2013I wonder what the target audience is for this story. You have cannibalism, drinking blood, offering a hookah to a 10 year old, stomping on a matador and cheering about it, and a two headed cow saying she was molested. Is this a story for children written by an adult or an adults' story written by children? And I ask because the writing is juvenile at times. There are just over... I wonder what the target audience is for this story. You have cannibalism, drinking blood, offering a hookah to a 10 year old, stomping on a matador and cheering about it, and a two headed cow saying she was molested. Is this a story for children written by an adult or an adults' story written by children? And I ask because the writing is juvenile at times. There are just over 100 grammatical/spelling errors that I counted. Look, no one is perfect and I make mistakes, we all do, but this many errors shows a lack of understanding of the English language. There are formatting errors as well.
Some examples: page 3 - "automobile come speed towards the car."
page 5 - "look thoughtful" should be "looks thoughtful'
page 7 - "cloud of dust FLY UP behind him." should be "FLIES UP"
And many many more. The abbreviation for Continued is Cont'd. You have it as Con'd.
You don't have to write (Continued) to break up description, only if you break up dialogue. See page 41.
Page 43 - "He is covered in a hooded clock" You mean "Cloak" I think.
The children are being brought to an asylum. You might want to use a different word. Asylum has a negative connotation. The dictionary defines it as - An Institution for the care of the destitute or sick and especially the insane."
The good news is that you have a crazy vivid imagination, an Alice in Wonderland on steroids. But as a parent, I would not let my kids watch a movie like this. You mention the kids are 10 and 11 years old. Most of your audience would then be 8 to 12 year olds (I assume). Do you think some of elements in this story are appealing to kids that age?
I think you have a germ of a story here. It needs to be age appropriate if indeed that's your target audience. If you're going for the spaced out adult audience like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, then you're on the right track. I don't know what your target audience is but it's not 8 to 12 year olds in its present state. If you can clean it up, (sanitize it) for a younger audience, you have something.
This story requires a professional edit because of the high number of grammatical errors, incorrect words, syntax and formatting errors. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of Origami Rainby Parthenis on 05/06/2013Origami Rain slides all over the place more than Alex's mustang on an icy road. The story is dis-jointed and doesn't develop. The beginning is good. The tension builds with the introduction of the main characters, their lives and activities. I'm interested so far. Then Jayden snaps Scarlett's neck. The boys take her to the hospital and there is confusion on the way about which... Origami Rain slides all over the place more than Alex's mustang on an icy road. The story is dis-jointed and doesn't develop. The beginning is good. The tension builds with the introduction of the main characters, their lives and activities. I'm interested so far. Then Jayden snaps Scarlett's neck. The boys take her to the hospital and there is confusion on the way about which hospital... so far I'm with you. Then halfway down page 13, Scarlett's taking a shower, goes to school and hangs out with her girlfriends??? Page 17, Phil, Jayden and Scarlett go out then we cut to Phil's car with Jayden after they dropped Scarlett off at the hospital. What a scummy thing to do. Then what do they do? go for Indian food???
At the motel, Jayden starts on a monologue. Sounds like words from a song and totally out of context. I don't get the impression that he's that deep. Then from pages 57 to 64 Phil has a dream. No director or Producer would accept 7 pages of bs dialogue. I know you try to connect this section to the ending when it's revealed that the story was Phil's dream but it doesn't connect or work.
And you should resolve the issue of the missing mustang. Shouldn't leave it hanging. Even if the explanation is something simple like Phil forgetting it at the mall, you should answer the question of what happened to it. Lastly, there are quite a few grammar and incorrect word errors throughout. The screenplay needs an edit.
The story however has potential, that's the good news. However, I don't see it as a feature film but more like a one hour episode of The Outer Limits. Being from Toronto (correct me if I'm wrong), you probably remember that show. Sorry for some of the negatives but it's just my gut reaction to the story which is, I think the point of a review. Best of luck. Jim read -
A review of The Uglyby Parthenis on 04/30/2013Congratulations on completing your screenplay The Ugly. It's a heartwarming story that most would get shivers over. As you can guess, I'm going to get to the nitty gritty. There are formatting problems and I won't go into too much detail. Your slug lines are not to standard. Example: page 55 - should be EXT. DESERT WATERING STATION - MORNING. There is no period after MORNING... Congratulations on completing your screenplay The Ugly. It's a heartwarming story that most would get shivers over. As you can guess, I'm going to get to the nitty gritty. There are formatting problems and I won't go into too much detail. Your slug lines are not to standard.
Example: page 55 - should be EXT. DESERT WATERING STATION - MORNING. There is no period after MORNING or STATION. There is a great deal of free stuff on the web that provide formatting help.
Your writing is excellent and I was able to feel and absorb the dialogue.
Some observations, questions and comments: Agnes is buried under a rock. Her skin is grey-green and on page 19, "roots, as they snake out from beyond the dunes, entwine Agnes' body at the waist. They hold her tight. Vines move around her arms." Is there something odd or special about her. Is she not human? This is not addressed at all in the story. It's mentioned and then forgotten,
Agnes speaks in one, two or three word sentences. Then on page 67, she talks up a storm and sounds normal. Further along, she is more talkative but reverts back to local dialect. The sudden change in her speech is jolting and not believable. It threw me off.
Minor point: page 71, Smiles is joined by a "tall woman (40's, demure). If she's tall, I don't think demure is accurate as that implies small of stature unless you mean her personality and then it's not clear.
My biggest issue is the last half of the story. After they arrive at Georgetown, the story drags. The infusion of the new people adds to a confusing storyline. Agnes now likes George. Robert Smalls and his group essentially take over and he makes Agnes choose between Frank and George. It looks like Smalls' group is carrying George towards the bonfire. Are they going to throw him in? This is un-answered but appears to be the case.
On page 106, Franks complains bitterly about things. He moans about other things. This is not film-able. He has to speak to give us an indication of what is bothering him.
The last page appears to indicate that the cart lands on them and the continuing sandstorm is going to bury them. Whether they die or not, there is no clear conclusion and the ending is not satisfying. I was left thinking... So, that's it?
I guess a story is about pulling on the emotional heart strings of the audience. You have a germ of an idea here but it left me with questions and the biggest one: is Agnes a plant woman?
The review is my opinion only. Best of luck and I hope my comments helped. JP read
Write a Comment
Submissions by Parthenis
-
a screenplay by ParthenisGenres: children/family
Four children devise a plan to search for a local gangster's gold.
-
a screenplay by ParthenisGenres: drama, sci-fi/fantasy
An advanced human-like alien is expelled from his planet for preaching about God and Heaven.
Reviews by Parthenis 63
-
A review of Pachelbelby Parthenis on 05/12/2013I wonder what the target audience is for this story. You have cannibalism, drinking blood, offering a hookah to a 10 year old, stomping on a matador and cheering about it, and a two headed cow saying she was molested. Is this a story for children written by an adult or an adults' story written by children? And I ask because the writing is juvenile at times. There are just over... I wonder what the target audience is for this story. You have cannibalism, drinking blood, offering a hookah to a 10 year old, stomping on a matador and cheering about it, and a two headed cow saying she was molested. Is this a story for children written by an adult or an adults' story written by children? And I ask because the writing is juvenile at times. There are just over 100 grammatical/spelling errors that I counted. Look, no one is perfect and I make mistakes, we all do, but this many errors shows a lack of understanding of the English language. There are formatting errors as well.
Some examples: page 3 - "automobile come speed towards the car."
page 5 - "look thoughtful" should be "looks thoughtful'
page 7 - "cloud of dust FLY UP behind him." should be "FLIES UP"
And many many more. The abbreviation for Continued is Cont'd. You have it as Con'd.
You don't have to write (Continued) to break up description, only if you break up dialogue. See page 41.
Page 43 - "He is covered in a hooded clock" You mean "Cloak" I think.
The children are being brought to an asylum. You might want to use a different word. Asylum has a negative connotation. The dictionary defines it as - An Institution for the care of the destitute or sick and especially the insane."
The good news is that you have a crazy vivid imagination, an Alice in Wonderland on steroids. But as a parent, I would not let my kids watch a movie like this. You mention the kids are 10 and 11 years old. Most of your audience would then be 8 to 12 year olds (I assume). Do you think some of elements in this story are appealing to kids that age?
I think you have a germ of a story here. It needs to be age appropriate if indeed that's your target audience. If you're going for the spaced out adult audience like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, then you're on the right track. I don't know what your target audience is but it's not 8 to 12 year olds in its present state. If you can clean it up, (sanitize it) for a younger audience, you have something.
This story requires a professional edit because of the high number of grammatical errors, incorrect words, syntax and formatting errors. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of Origami Rainby Parthenis on 05/06/2013Origami Rain slides all over the place more than Alex's mustang on an icy road. The story is dis-jointed and doesn't develop. The beginning is good. The tension builds with the introduction of the main characters, their lives and activities. I'm interested so far. Then Jayden snaps Scarlett's neck. The boys take her to the hospital and there is confusion on the way about which... Origami Rain slides all over the place more than Alex's mustang on an icy road. The story is dis-jointed and doesn't develop. The beginning is good. The tension builds with the introduction of the main characters, their lives and activities. I'm interested so far. Then Jayden snaps Scarlett's neck. The boys take her to the hospital and there is confusion on the way about which hospital... so far I'm with you. Then halfway down page 13, Scarlett's taking a shower, goes to school and hangs out with her girlfriends??? Page 17, Phil, Jayden and Scarlett go out then we cut to Phil's car with Jayden after they dropped Scarlett off at the hospital. What a scummy thing to do. Then what do they do? go for Indian food???
At the motel, Jayden starts on a monologue. Sounds like words from a song and totally out of context. I don't get the impression that he's that deep. Then from pages 57 to 64 Phil has a dream. No director or Producer would accept 7 pages of bs dialogue. I know you try to connect this section to the ending when it's revealed that the story was Phil's dream but it doesn't connect or work.
And you should resolve the issue of the missing mustang. Shouldn't leave it hanging. Even if the explanation is something simple like Phil forgetting it at the mall, you should answer the question of what happened to it. Lastly, there are quite a few grammar and incorrect word errors throughout. The screenplay needs an edit.
The story however has potential, that's the good news. However, I don't see it as a feature film but more like a one hour episode of The Outer Limits. Being from Toronto (correct me if I'm wrong), you probably remember that show. Sorry for some of the negatives but it's just my gut reaction to the story which is, I think the point of a review. Best of luck. Jim read -
A review of The Uglyby Parthenis on 04/30/2013Congratulations on completing your screenplay The Ugly. It's a heartwarming story that most would get shivers over. As you can guess, I'm going to get to the nitty gritty. There are formatting problems and I won't go into too much detail. Your slug lines are not to standard. Example: page 55 - should be EXT. DESERT WATERING STATION - MORNING. There is no period after MORNING... Congratulations on completing your screenplay The Ugly. It's a heartwarming story that most would get shivers over. As you can guess, I'm going to get to the nitty gritty. There are formatting problems and I won't go into too much detail. Your slug lines are not to standard.
Example: page 55 - should be EXT. DESERT WATERING STATION - MORNING. There is no period after MORNING or STATION. There is a great deal of free stuff on the web that provide formatting help.
Your writing is excellent and I was able to feel and absorb the dialogue.
Some observations, questions and comments: Agnes is buried under a rock. Her skin is grey-green and on page 19, "roots, as they snake out from beyond the dunes, entwine Agnes' body at the waist. They hold her tight. Vines move around her arms." Is there something odd or special about her. Is she not human? This is not addressed at all in the story. It's mentioned and then forgotten,
Agnes speaks in one, two or three word sentences. Then on page 67, she talks up a storm and sounds normal. Further along, she is more talkative but reverts back to local dialect. The sudden change in her speech is jolting and not believable. It threw me off.
Minor point: page 71, Smiles is joined by a "tall woman (40's, demure). If she's tall, I don't think demure is accurate as that implies small of stature unless you mean her personality and then it's not clear.
My biggest issue is the last half of the story. After they arrive at Georgetown, the story drags. The infusion of the new people adds to a confusing storyline. Agnes now likes George. Robert Smalls and his group essentially take over and he makes Agnes choose between Frank and George. It looks like Smalls' group is carrying George towards the bonfire. Are they going to throw him in? This is un-answered but appears to be the case.
On page 106, Franks complains bitterly about things. He moans about other things. This is not film-able. He has to speak to give us an indication of what is bothering him.
The last page appears to indicate that the cart lands on them and the continuing sandstorm is going to bury them. Whether they die or not, there is no clear conclusion and the ending is not satisfying. I was left thinking... So, that's it?
I guess a story is about pulling on the emotional heart strings of the audience. You have a germ of an idea here but it left me with questions and the biggest one: is Agnes a plant woman?
The review is my opinion only. Best of luck and I hope my comments helped. JP read -
A review of The Enemyby Parthenis on 04/12/2013THE ENEMY takes the reader on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I think the character arc of Eli and Charlie is brilliant. First we hate Eli. He's a hound dog who deserves to be castrated. But then, he tries to turn his life around and we are rooting for him. Charlie is a sweet and likeable lady until she turns on Eli. We don't know why she treats him (and men) the way she... THE ENEMY takes the reader on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I think the character arc of Eli and Charlie is brilliant. First we hate Eli. He's a hound dog who deserves to be castrated. But then, he tries to turn his life around and we are rooting for him. Charlie is a sweet and likeable lady until she turns on Eli. We don't know why she treats him (and men) the way she does until the big reveal. Her story starts on page 70 and runs to part of page 73. This is a large block of dialogue. The audience will lose interest if all we see is Charlie recounting the horrible ordeal of rape and torture in the bunker. We feel for her and are enraged but is it real? or is she lying? We don't know because all we see is her talking. A suggestion: make this a flashback and show it live. I don't know how much nudity, rape and savagery can be shown on the screen, but that's up to the powers that be. It depends on what kind of rating you want. But this would be visually engrossing and will let us see what Charlie went through. Then I think she will gain sympathy and we will understand where she's coming from and why she is the way she is. This would be much more interesting then just listening to her talk. Because for now, we think she's a horrible person for treating Eli the way she does especially when he loves her. I don't really have any other critiques about the story. What an engrossing movie this would be. My concerns are about your formatting. It's not good. They say you shouldn't suggest songs to be played unless it's for a specific purpose. You do suggest one song and that's fine, but on page 1, you suggest the reader think of 2 songs. Also, abbreviations should be written out in full first. Not everyone knows what CNA means. Local sayings are also difficult to understand. Page 21 - Eli says: "Let's f-star-star-k" What the hell does this mean? There are other problems as well. You get the picture. I think you need to get some formatting advice or have someone edit the screenplay otherwise it looks sloppy and unprofessional. Hope the above helps. JP read
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A review of The Holstein Epiphanyby Parthenis on 03/11/2013This is a well written screenplay and a story that is bigger than 101 pages. I believe the story needs more development. At 101 pages you have room to expand the police investigation and eventual capture of Baylor. There is the love angle with Baylor and Kimberley which is very touching. I like the way Baylor develops as a serial killer (for the good of mankind). He kills the... This is a well written screenplay and a story that is bigger than 101 pages. I believe the story needs more development. At 101 pages you have room to expand the police investigation and eventual capture of Baylor. There is the love angle with Baylor and Kimberley which is very touching. I like the way Baylor develops as a serial killer (for the good of mankind). He kills the alleged terrible people in a variety of ways starting with Charlie. This was a case of self-defense and nobody could blame Baylor. But then he tastes blood and goes after others. I'm pulling for him until he meets Randy the truck driver. Killing Randy because he cheated on his wife is a little sanctimonious. People cheat on their sposes all the time and Randy didn't deserve it. This is where I lose the love for Baylor. But back to my point about the development of the story. I want to see more because I believe there is more to see. I want the story to go further. Maybe make the police investigation more detailed and a cat and mouse situation with Baylor trying to evade th law.
A few minor formatting questions: page 3 the slug line reads as Int. Prospect Street - Kitchen. A street cannot have a kitchen in it. I think you need to mention a house first like INT. HOUSE ON PROPSPECT STREET - KITCHEN - DAY. This happens again on pages 10 and 60. Also on page 60 is: "Kimberley's waits for the rest." This sentence is grammatically incorrect. Also curious about page 89. There's a telephone booth outside a cabin. I've never heard of a cabin with a telephone booth. Maybe you menat some other kind of building in town where phone booths are more common. When I see cabin, I'm thinking out in the wilderness. As you can see, therte aren't many problems with the screenplay. A few tweaks here and there and further development and I think you have a hell of a story. Hope the above helps. Best of luck. JP read -
A review of EVERMOREby Parthenis on 02/23/2013EVERMORE is an extremely well written screenplay and perhaps one of the best that I've read. This is a case where the writing carries the story. Griswold has a "hate on" for Poe and Poe disparages him in his stories. It's a rough friendship between two men. The screenplay also highlights Poe's relationships with his wife, mother-in-law and friend, Griswold. I like the way you... EVERMORE is an extremely well written screenplay and perhaps one of the best that I've read. This is a case where the writing carries the story. Griswold has a "hate on" for Poe and Poe disparages him in his stories. It's a rough friendship between two men. The screenplay also highlights Poe's relationships with his wife, mother-in-law and friend, Griswold. I like the way you entwined Poe's stories into the screenplay but as a story overall it was a bit flat. Very few highs and lows. It was informative, whimsical and heartfelt. It also felt like a mini-series (which is a good thing) because at the end, I felt myself wanting to know more about the life of Poe. I don't know if this was something you considered. So I think you have a good start here and your writing is top shelf (I'm jealous). Just some thoughts: what is the target audience? Is there enough interest in Poe? I mean, who would have thought Lincoln was in vogue, so you never know. But that would be my biggest concern. Secondly, and I know you've heard this before, there are large blocks of dialogue. Reading the Raven was paniful and I don't know how you can film someone reading a poem for 7-8 pages unles you did some kind of live action with a voice over. There was another poem read on page 101 and although it was much shorter, still hard to sit through especially with the time period language (nothing you can do about that). Very clean script overall. A few typos: page 19 - "He strikes the wall his a clenched fist." Page 95, first dialogue - "That cough sounds quite serious. you must see..." You needs to be capitalized. Hope the above helps. JP read
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A review of Sarah, Panda, Princessby Parthenis on 02/08/2013A decent story about a girl and her friends saving endangered pandas and other exotic animals. The story has potential but needs some work. There are quite a few grammatical errors and missing words. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The good news, this is the easiest thing to fix. Some examples: p. 19 when Danny says: "She wasn't in school and didn't come last night."... A decent story about a girl and her friends saving endangered pandas and other exotic animals. The story has potential but needs some work. There are quite a few grammatical errors and missing words. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The good news, this is the easiest thing to fix. Some examples: p. 19 when Danny says: "She wasn't in school and didn't come last night." or on p. 22: Danny says: "She's gone. I think she's kidnapped." Or p. 84 when Jinn says: "You're mouth just changed your career path." I'm sure you'll figure it out and you get my point.
Some observations about the story. How do the henchmen get the truck out of the compound with Ruland seeing them? On page 14, Henchman two gives Henchman a carton of cigarettes to give to the guards. You then say that Henchman two turns the cigarettes over to Guard One. I believe it should be Henchman One turnig the cigarettes over. Around page 69 when Ruland figures out where they are, would they not ask the local police and FBI/DEA to head to the plant to save time?
The biggest concern I have is with the Pandas. If this is a live action movie, it's impossible to train pandas to do what Watcher and Rounder did in this screenplay. This would have to be either animated or CGI. Then you would be able to accomplish the stunts with the pandas. Hope the above helps and best of luck. JP read -
A review of Harmonyby Parthenis on 01/16/2013This is an action packed, high octane story that would be interesting to see on the big screen. However, I'm feeling that it's more of a movie of the week project,(which is not a bad thing). I do have some issues with the dialogue between David and Al-Benzy on two fronts-- the content and the length. I don't like some of the philosophical content banter between these two men... This is an action packed, high octane story that would be interesting to see on the big screen. However, I'm feeling that it's more of a movie of the week project,(which is not a bad thing). I do have some issues with the dialogue between David and Al-Benzy on two fronts-- the content and the length. I don't like some of the philosophical content banter between these two men. It feels choreographed and preachy. Plus, on page 74 when Al-Benzy says: "America does not know what is hungry, or what is sick. You only care about television and clothes. You are a people who do nothing but eat and get fat..." I found this to be the most offensive and I'm not even American! The second issue is the large blocks of dialogue and the length of the talking scenes, especially between David and Al-Benzy. At one point it runs from page 72 to 77 and again from page 80 to the top of page 83.
Some personal observations: It feels as though David has changed Al-Benzy's mind about killing him far too easily. Al-Benzy is a committed terrorist, part of a terrorist organization. He also has a personal motivation for revenge, the death of his family. Why would he be so easily persuaded (or at least it felt too easy for me) to change his mind.
On page 80, Major Rajhad speaks Dari (with English subtitles) to the UN forces. Are the UN forces all of the same nationality and how will the American soldiers understand what he`s saying.
I understood that Al-Benzy is in charge of this mission, but when he decides not to execute David, Fakhim moves in. Al-Benzy looks powerless to stop Fakhim. Maybe terrorists do not have a strong chain of command and if this was your goal to highlight this, then it was brilliant. If not, then Al-Benzy comes across as being weak and unbelievable. A strong leader would have put Fakhim in his place.
I still think this story should be told but it needs some tweaking and serious consideration to the philosophical content. My take on Al-Benzy`s tirade against the essence of America is: Yeah I know what other people think of us. I`ve heard it all before, what a bunch of bullshit, blah blah blah. You can punch America in the face and expose all her weaknesses but it may not go down very well with the public. Take it from me, I`m Canadian and I felt personally attacked by Al-Benzy`s words. Maybe that`s the message you want conveyed but it just comes across as too on the nose. Hope my comments help. Best of luck. JP read -
A review of Finders Keepers 09by Parthenis on 12/05/2012Nice twists and turns. Kept my interest in terms of what's going on. I understand that English is not your first language so I think you did a good job in expressing yourself and getting the story across in a way that can be understood and appreciated. Has good elements of a crooked cop, betrayal and murder. The one question I have is: if the man with the briefcase has to deliver... Nice twists and turns. Kept my interest in terms of what's going on. I understand that English is not your first language so I think you did a good job in expressing yourself and getting the story across in a way that can be understood and appreciated. Has good elements of a crooked cop, betrayal and murder. The one question I have is: if the man with the briefcase has to deliver it to get paid a reward, why is there money already in the briefcase? Wouldn't he just deliver the memory card and collect his reward like Marcus did at the end. And if there is a reason for the briefcase to contain money, whose is it? These are explanations that need to be made otherwise the viewer is left wondering at the end and would feel like the story was never properly closed up. Just some thoughts to consider. Best of luck with your screenplay. Jim read
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A review of The Carrier (rev.)by Parthenis on 10/23/2012I was pleased to get another screenplay written by you. It gave me the opportunity to judge your writing and creativity over two screenplays. Are you a one hit wonder or do you have staying power? Well, Jose, you delivered. Your writing style is top shelf and your ideas are detailed, well thought out and the twists and turns in the stories are at a pro level. The Carrier did... I was pleased to get another screenplay written by you. It gave me the opportunity to judge your writing and creativity over two screenplays. Are you a one hit wonder or do you have staying power? Well, Jose, you delivered. Your writing style is top shelf and your ideas are detailed, well thought out and the twists and turns in the stories are at a pro level. The Carrier did not have the plot twists that Fixed Shadows did but that may not have been necessarily the intent with this story. It had enough action and twists to keep me interested to the end. There were very few typos which is an indication that you know how to write and respect writing as an art and a science. A couple of typos/errors. Page 62- Richter says "I do it when I nervous." I think you meant "when I'm nervous." Page 80- "Riley hears a muffled shot." I think it's Taker that hears a muffled shot. My only question is when Taker is following Keller, there was no indication of how the trackng bullet was inserted into Keller and how did Keller know he had one in him? Did I miss this part in the screenplay?
Again, I don't have any critiques about this story because it was fast paced and good to the end. My only opinion is could I see The Carrier as a feature film. I don't know but it would be a great two-part episode in a weekly drama or the pilot for a series. Whatever happens to The Carrier and Fixed Shadows, I think you're a great writer and I wish you the best of luck. JP read
Comments About Parthenis 30
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anthorasanli on 05/07/2013
Thanks for your review of Origami Rain, your points are valid and appreciated. Just so you know, it was not actually Phil's dream, some people think this, but some people got it, he is in another dimension. Reality changed, his reality anyway, that's why the mustang is no longer there. It's more of a surreal movie with slow long pauses, kinda Tree of Life like as opposed to Law Abiding Citizen. Thanks for taking the time to read it and review, all the best! -
johnnyb2124 on 05/03/2013
Hey, I accidently deleted your email after I read it so I'm commenting here. On the purely technical side of things, it was written fairly well. As far as your question about the ending it was expected from your log line. On a story note I feel like it lacked important characters other than Asiah then a bunch were added for the 3rd act. I think one thing to look at is imagine how non-religious people will look at the first half of the script and it's pro Christian stance...Then imagine how Christians will look at what Jesus ended up turning into. Really figure out the audience you want and try to tailor your story to them...I think non-Christians will not be very excited about the first half, and many Christians will be offended with the 2nd half...It showed a lot of imagination and the ability at screenwriting is there, I just think the story needs to be changed a bit to find an audience. But those were my thoughts and feelings a day after reading it. -
tone2001 on 04/15/2013
Comment deleted by Parthenis -
tone2001 on 04/13/2013
Comment deleted by Parthenis -
postmortem on 03/12/2013
Hi, Jim. Thanks very much for your review of Holstein. Hopefully the next draft rewrite will address the issues you pointed out. -
Gary Wright on 02/24/2013
Hey Jim, thanks so much for reading Evermore and for your thoughts. Very much appreciated, sir. A mini-series?! Wow, you kinda blew my mind. I don't think that would ever have occurred to me - but very exciting possibilities for fleshing people out and adding characters and just generally opening things up. Anyway, thanks again, and best of luck with your own projects.
cheers,
Gary -
jayelveejr on 01/26/2013
Hi Jim, as I've been away from TS for several months, I'm catching up on some reviews. Thanks for not only reviewing two of my scripts, but also for the kind words. I really appreciate it.
Best of luck,
JV -
lizzayn on 11/24/2012
Thanks for the review of Cry When They All Die Blonde. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/08/2012
Hi Jim,
Truly appreciate you finding the time to read and review Sam (revised). Glad you enjoyed the story, and thank you for the typo catch. Best of luck to you too.
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/16/2012
Hey, thanks for the review! I appreciate the notes! But I do wanna say: when you stated you could drive a truck through the holes in this script I was eager to see what you found as a plot hole, but you didn't really note any holes. So i'm a little confused. And I totally agree, my first drafts are always a little lacks when it comes to spot- cleaning and word-smithing.
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Comments About Parthenis 30
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Thanks for your review of Origami Rain, your points are valid and appreciated. Just so you know, it was not actually Phil's dream, some people think this, but some people got it, he is in another dimension. Reality changed, his reality anyway, that's why the mustang is no longer there. It's more of a surreal movie with slow long pauses, kinda Tree of Life like as opposed to Law Abiding Citizen. Thanks for taking the time to read it and review, all the best!
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Hey, I accidently deleted your email after I read it so I'm commenting here. On the purely technical side of things, it was written fairly well. As far as your question about the ending it was expected from your log line. On a story note I feel like it lacked important characters other than Asiah then a bunch were added for the 3rd act. I think one thing to look at is imagine how non-religious people will look at the first half of the script and it's pro Christian stance...Then imagine how Christians will look at what Jesus ended up turning into. Really figure out the audience you want and try to tailor your story to them...I think non-Christians will not be very excited about the first half, and many Christians will be offended with the 2nd half...It showed a lot of imagination and the ability at screenwriting is there, I just think the story needs to be changed a bit to find an audience. But those were my thoughts and feelings a day after reading it.
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