Paul Clarke
member since 06/15/2010 |
last login 05/19/2013
Combining a love of movies and an vivid imagination to hopefully create some interesting stories. Looking for somewhere to exchange ideas and hopefully get some clues as to what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong....
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Combining a love of movies and an vivid imagination to hopefully create some interesting stories. Looking for somewhere to exchange ideas and hopefully get some clues as to what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.
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Reviews by Paul Clarke 72
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A review of And They Say Life Sucks (v.6)by Paul Clarke on 05/14/2013Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could... Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could make it more interesting. Maybe focus more on the funny aspects, take out the bit about the cathedral. I just think it could be a hard sell to get the right person to read it.
There’s two important things required in a comedy. Make us laugh. Don’t bore us. You achieve both. The script has humor spread throughout, and it just flies by being mostly dialogue. I would consider fleshing out the ending though. As I point out in the notes below, I think you could make better use of the ending. The story builds up to it well. In the end it is a bit of a let down.
The second strength of this script is the structure. You have constant story development. First he dies. Then he gets the offer in heaven. He finds out George wants Barbara. The old men attack. Offer from Satan. Too often the amateur scripts go on without any actual story development. They mistake events for story. Yours is not only full of development, but it is well paced and in all the right places.
As for the characters. I did like Harvey. I felt I knew him early. I cared about him. But he didn’t really have any single characteristic that made him stand out. Made him truly memorable. I would consider introducing the back story about the issues with his father in the first act, while he’s still alive. As that is the big pay off at the end. The story begins with his issues with Barbara, they are sorted (kind of), but the ending is around his father. Which works, I just think it would work better if it was introduced as a big part of his life early on. The supporting cast do their role. They are funny. They grow as the film progresses. They seem like individuals, I feel I know them. Which is all good. Ultimately they probably fall into the same category of not being truly memorable. But that’s a tough ask.
The concept is possibly the weak link of the story. Like I said, I wasn’t sold by the logline. You have a good story, but what makes it stand out from the others? What makes it different, memorable? Not sure what you could do to improve it. Some sort of comedic irony in the initial setup maybe? Make Harvey is from a heavy metal band that became famous for being Satan worshipers? Something.
Anyway, here’s some detailed notes I took while reading. I usually end up with three times this many notes. That’s a good sign. I just flew through this one. There were very few if any errors:
- Title page: Not sure how well the different font title will go down with the pros. Also needs another line break between ‘by’ and your name.
- I like the sense of humour used on the first page. Sets the tone, makes it clear this is a comedy. However, I think you could dramatize the first paragraph. Why not say she lays on the floor (don’t mention she’s dead), say she’s attractive, even with no make-up and her hair not done… and a gaping hole in her chest! That’s the payoff for the shot. Save it for last.
-Page 10 update: While I thought the first two sequences (at K-Mart and at work) were well enough written, and they flowed well, they could probably both be cut back a touch. If possible find a nice beat to sum up the scene and end it there. Yours tend to just wander off. Also, the supporting cast seem very over-the-top. I don’t like them, don’t understand them. However, I totally feel like I’m getting to know and care about Harvey. So that’s the main thing you need to do in those pages. Well done.
- P48: Pages are just flying by. Very funny. Mostly dialogue. Not sure if there’s enough story development so far. Time will tell. I like the complication that George has fallen for Barbara. Great conflict set up there.
- P53: It seems really odd that Alicia would interrupt George while he was working on the plans to tell him he’ll help with Barbara. Why interrupt? That’s the behavior he’s trying to encourage. Rather, have her clearly work out that he only works when in his love mode. Have him work on the plans, but it fades, his hand stops drawing. No normal encouragement can get him to continue, that’s when she agrees to help him with Barbara. It should be a big decision. Show it so.
- I can’t tell if Shane is an asshole or a genius. Brilliant dialogue.
- P71: You use the word ‘rushes’ 4 times in 5 sentences. Mix it up. Also, the old men were off screen for so much of the story, I’m not sure how well their reintroduction will work.
- P83: “…a Frogger game with unlimited lives.” – Love it!
- I really liked the payoff with Rooster being his father. That was well done. But I’m just not sure about how things were tied up with Barbara and George. Not to mention we never find out anything about the cathedral. Leaves a few loose ends. And while him shooting himself and not regenerating is funny, I don’t know if it’s the right time for humor. I really feel you could use that to milk the emotional climax of the story. The structure is all there, it’s just that big last beat that doesn’t pay-off all the brilliant work up until then. At 99 pages there’s room to do a little more. Also, the big decision, burn the plans or not - kind of happens off screen. I think you could dramatize that better. That's what the entire movie is building to. Make it a difficult decision. Show he likes the way hell is, but would rather see Barbara happy.
So to sum up. I liked the read. It made me laugh. It didn’t bore me. It was professional. My advice to take it to the next step is to try to maximize the concept. Make it stand out. Make it memorable. And work on the fine details of the characters. Also making them memorable. If possible, try to work some set piece scenes. Most of you locations (heaven aside) were boring. Coffee shops, restaurants, people’s homes. That’s good if you want to make it cheap. But at this stage you want to make it stand out. Set piece sequences don’t just happen in action movies. Most of your favorite comedies probably have them. Use them to spice up the already good story.
Best of luck, Paul. read -
A review of Harbor Roadby Paul Clarke on 12/12/2012I must admit I love a good zombie flick. While you never call them that here, that's essentially what we have. The fact that the disease is unleashed on the population in the form of a bio-weapon is something new. I don't recall another zombie movie that plays out like that. But once that happens, it's same old same old. You never make any use of the setup. It doesn't make... I must admit I love a good zombie flick. While you never call them that here, that's essentially what we have. The fact that the disease is unleashed on the population in the form of a bio-weapon is something new. I don't recall another zombie movie that plays out like that. But once that happens, it's same old same old. You never make any use of the setup. It doesn't make any difference how the disease got out. And therefore, it has nothing original to offer from all the other zombie movies out there. And there are a few. You need look no further than Zombieland to see that there's so many they're making semi satirical versions. The popularity of The Walking Dead TV shows that there's still plenty of life left in the zombie genre, but you need to come up with your own spin on things. Make it stand out from the pack.
Zombies aside, I'm afraid the script is just really lacking in story. The events of the script could easily happen in a 42 minute TV show like the walking dead. They're stretched out over the period of 100 pages. But nothing really happens. The three beats to the story are: 1) disease breaks out, people turn to zombies 2) they flee, meet people on the road 3) they have a showdown and lose someone in the junk yard. A movie needs at least seven or eight beats like this. Not 3. You can't have an entire second act where they meet a couple of people and kill the dog. There's just no enough story development. We don't learn anything new about the virus, or about the characters, or about what's going to happen to them.
Your characters are okay, but a little muddled. I liked Wood, but he acts out of character later in the piece. They all sort of start acting the same, aside from Cross, who just such an asshole that he doesn't even seem like a real person. The female characters are very underdone. His wife is shown from the start to be quick to grab the gun, but this payoff is never utilized as she doesn't really do anything for the rest of the trip. The daughter is never in direct danger, the movie would be no different if she was removed (keep her in, just use her for something). And the wife never goes back to counseling Wood after the initial opening.
Here are some more specific notes I took while reading:
- I would like to see a better description of Ryan and Danni. Especially because this is the opening image. Character description is the one place where you can get away with some unfilmable description. Give us a brief insight into who these people are. How are they lying together? Is one facing away from the other? One trying to wrap an arm round and being denied? That first paragraph really needs to grab the audience. I would spend some serious time on it.
- P6: You can’t really say they continue talking. Either they have dialogue or not. Just say there’s a noise.
- Once Wood is free, why wouldn’t he be the one to shoot the cop? He has the arms experience, plus it’s his idea. It seems like implausible behavior for Ryan who didn’t even want to hit him. Plus it’s an extreme action to take. Why don’t they just leave the cop there and leave the station?
- P10: cant – should be can’t
- P21: “Well, we don’t need rakes.” Nice line. Love it.
- Lots of dialogue and action descriptions are poorly worded. They confuse rather than relaying the story. I find myself having to reread them a couple of times to makes sure I understand. That slows the read and pulls me out of the story. For example page 54: “A look of terror covers Tanya’s face when she sees the infected policewoman at the door on the other side. Reggie turns and sees her just as she notices them.” Needs work. Make it clear, simple, and concise.
- P60: There hasn’t been any story development in a long time. Just people running from Zombie like creatures. Nothing we haven’t all seen a million times before. We either need to be learning something new about these characters or about the disease. Other than Wood and his issues, we only know these people on a superficial level.
- Cross is just too much of an asshole to seem like a real human being.
- P81: WOOD "He’s being a hero again." – I think that should be Ryan’s line.
- Love the junkyard location. Would look great on screen. And a good symbol as it’s essentially a modern day graveyard. Full of dead cars.
- You need to incorporate Wood and his panic attacks throughout the script. Having one at the beginning and one at the end just doesn’t work. It’s too convenient. Also, it gives him the same basic flaw as Ryan. An inability to act in such a situation. Only one of them should be like that. For most of the story Wood is strong and heroic. Taking action. Ryan is the opposite. This is a good dynamic. It contrasts their differences. Try to keep them to their roles. As it’s written now they’re switching back and forth and inconsistent as people.
- Not sure if I’m on board with the ending. Doesn’t leave me with any great emotional pay-off. Just shows that if everyone had stayed inside and listened to instructions they probably would have been alright.
- Also, I think it would have made for a much better dynamic to show Wood and Danni fighting from the beginning, rather than getting along so well. Bringing more irony to the fact that he now has to take care of them. And it would make sense that her husband is a nice considerate man who is constantly getting into trouble because of his brother. She would resent him for that.
- I didn’t think you made the most of the post traumatic stress thing. Was it caused by him seeing a child die? It comes back so far after it’s brought up that I can’t remember the details. I could barely remember that he had panic attacks at all because he never had any throughout the rest of the movie. It would make sense that seeing a child die would cause them to come back. But, as with many other parts of this story, it’s ultimately underutilized.
My advice would be to work on two specific things:
First: Come up with an original twist/idea for the story. Nobody would read this script based on the logline/premise as it's exactly the same as every other zombie story.
Second: Really work on the inter-character dynamic between the brothers and the wife. This is where the meat of your story is. At the moment it's basically just one big happy family. That's story suicide. Drama comes from conflict. The best conflict would be what's going on between them, rather than them versus the zombies. Just make it that the extreme nature of the situation brings out all the emotional stuff. Wood and Ryan are supposed to be opposites, but they act so similarly and get on so well it's never used. Also, there was a moment at the start where Ryan walks in on D consoling Wood. I thought there was going to be a misunderstanding and all sorts of conflict arising. It should all begin in the back story. Other than Wood being a veteran we know nothing. These are two brothers and a wife, therefore they've all been together for years, they know each other inside out, they have tonnes of history. Use it. It never came out in the story. Their back story should be all about their relationships with each other. Characters are nothing alone, they are all part of a interconnected web.
All the best with future rewrites. read -
A review of BORDERLANDSby Paul Clarke on 10/10/2012Well, where to start. I do like post-apocalyptic stories. However, there's so many out there these days. The market's flooded with books, movies, and TV shows. I'd like to know what you plan for this script. To sell it you'll need some sort of hook. Something to differentiate it from all the others. I don't think the Occupy riots is a good enough one. Also, you're playing with... Well, where to start. I do like post-apocalyptic stories. However, there's so many out there these days. The market's flooded with books, movies, and TV shows. I'd like to know what you plan for this script. To sell it you'll need some sort of hook. Something to differentiate it from all the others. I don't think the Occupy riots is a good enough one. Also, you're playing with fire using a real life event like that as it changes. It takes a year or two to make a movie, it will be long over and forgotten by then (if it's not already). Also, I didn't really find it a plausible idea. I think just a general down turning of society would do the same thing. People start fighting. Show it on the news. Spiraling out of control. Don't mention what started it until you're really sure it's a great, unique idea.
I think the strongest part of your script is the characters. For the most part, I liked them. I found them to be real likable people, stuck in a horrible situation. And I wanted them to succeed. But they certainly had a few issues. Some of them felt inconsistent. Mainly Elizabeth. Not good when she's your hero. She just seemed to flop around from useless crazy person, to amazing hero, and back. With little or no reason. I couldn't always understand her behaviour. Some of her decisions seemed like they were made by the writer and not the character. On top of that, I think you had too many characters. Keep it simple. You had many background characters that weren't named. That's fine. So why have two little girls? They never did anything different. I couldn't tell them apart. Same with Tariaf and Mathias. They both played the pacifist role. It was an important role to counter Chuck. But they basically took turns doing things. You could have one character do both roles. Then there's the minor characters like Zack and the nurse. They never even meet the hero party. Therefore they have no influence. It would be more exciting if Pretty Boy seemed like some super-human villain. A terminator that just keeps coming back for more. Rather than a badly wounded man who could barely stand.
Next is dialogue. I'm afraid it need lots of work. There's simply way too much of it. And it constantly just states the obvious. Or what's already happened. Cut out the extraneous dialogue and you'd probably shave 20 or more pages of it. That shows that the story is lacking too (I'll get to that soon). I gave a few examples in my notes. But basically you need to make them talk like a real person would. Not just constantly recapping the events and decisions. Give the audience some credit. They'll get it.
So we get to structure. You have a clear setup and final showdown (first and third acts). And your second act starts well with Chuck and Elizabeth on the run. But then we get about 50 pages (half the script) with little or no real events. They basically make the decision to go to the depot (why there?) and then travel there. They're never attacked or under any direct threat. It's definitely the weak point of the script. I think a story like this is really designed to use a sequence like structural approach. It should be a series of mini-goals, and when one goal is reached another appears. No gaps. No sitting around having conversations. Think of Toy Story, it's one obstacle after another. The solution to each problem causes them to directly go into the next. For example. In your story it would make more sense for Pretty Boy to escape the shootout at the farm-house, but for them to know it. Therefore everything after that is a rush because he might come back with more men. Everything is full of tension and excitement. Then, I'll let you gift them a bus, but don't give them the fuel. Make them work for it. A mini goal/story. Get the barrels of fuel. And do it quickly before he comes back. Then once the get the fuel, put something else in the way. There needs to be constant resistance to their efforts, otherwise it becomes boring. Movies usually have eight sequences, yours has four.
Lastly, there are lots of minor inconsistencies and logical issues. Many of which I've pointed out in the notes. For example, why would they camp on the cold ground, shivering together. And then when threatened they head to a farm house they could see from that very same spot. It's not a big problem to fix. Simply have them flee into some forest and find the house hidden amongst the trees. But the point is it ruins the read. It looks lazy on the readers behalf, that they didn't take the time to think the story through. Make sure you go through. They're almost all really easy to fix. It just takes some time and thought.
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- Int should be Int.
- news reader should be capitalized.
- If it’s picture in picture then you should indicate we’re watching the news report on a television, not from inside the studio.
- It’s dangerous to write about a specific current event because it is likely to be all over by the time the shoot the film and may no longer be as relevant.
- I’d prefer if the action blocks were shorter, simpler sentences. Just a personal preference I guess.
- P5: I’d say her pack looked emptier, no lighter. We can’t really see its weight.
- I’m no grammar expert, but it seems some of those longer sentences could do with some punctuation. If nothing else, just to make it an easier read. I had to reread several of them to wrap my head around what they were saying. Not a good thing. You want the reader to whisk through, quick and easy, so they can focus on the good stuff. For example P6: “A man with a pretty face marred by a long scar down one cheek sits in a cage and takes money from the patrons as other men deliver girls and sometimes boys to darkened booths.”
- P7: Muslim would be his religion of choice, it in no ways describes how they physically appear. Anyone could be a Muslim so you can’t really include it in your description. Rather you could indicate by clothing or some religious artifact they’re carrying.
- P8: Although we’ve only just met him, it seems odd to have Tarif spitting.
- P9: I’d rather see the protagonist active. So rather than have her watching the rough-necks, and getting a stroke of luck when they pass out and leave, have her distract them or do something. That would make us like her more. Keep her active.
- I must say it’s very dark material when you have children being pimped out. And it’s not implied at, it’s right in your face. Not sure if many production companies would be put off by that.
- P14: UGLY MAN I don’t want any of this shit. I’m gone. Keep the stuff. – an example of unnecessary and on the nose dialogue. If he’s rushing out the door. Why would he stop and say so much. He’s only repeating what’s happening. He rushes out and leaves the stuff behind, so the dialogue is redundant.
- P17: Pretty Boy releases Elizabeth and gestures to the first roughneck and one of the ones with a gun. The first roughneck drops Elizabeth’s bat on the floor. – an example of confusing action description. Give the roughnecks a distinguishing characteristic so we can better differentiate between them. Rather than just 1 and 2. On top of that “one of the ones with a gun.”: Really needs to be rewritten to make it clearer and easier to read. Not to mention, why would he drop the bat? Why not take it with him? It’s a little too convenient.
- P17: How does she surprise him after giving him a five line speech? I think she would have his attention entirely. Maybe someone else should say it?
- P18: She can’t be completely unresponsive. She just lit a match. She clearly knows what she’s doing.
- P21: CHUCK Then get over her and I’ll what food we have. – Missing a word?
- The children don’t really talk like children. Ideally we should be able to tell who’s talking without reading the character name, but yours sound mostly the same. Except the doctor who explains everything.
- So they chose to make camp at a place where they could see a farm house in the distance from? And they could see it at night? Maybe they should move first. Stumble across the house.
-P24: “and Kat raises the hand that doesn’t have a thumb in her mouth.” Brilliant visual. Love it.
- P27: PRETTY BOY Yeah, they probably went in there when they heard us coming. Well, lets get up to the house and get back our own. – Another terribly on the nose dialogue that states the obvious. We already know all that, no need to recap something that happened two pages ago.
- P30: Maybe say the boy is dead rather than dying. Otherwise he should be rushing to get the doctor or some sort of help rather than calmly closing his eyes. Also, wouldn’t Mathias be mad at the intruders for bringing pain and death down on them. I mean until they showed up they were safe. The attackers were after them, and it cost a young boy his life. Yet he barely seems upset.
- P34: It only took 37 days for society to collapse and create things like pedophile brothels (that looked to be in business for a while). I’d make it at least six months. Elizabeth could have been with her father for that long.
- Bunny has started to act more like Kat. Not sure if you really need both (it might play out later). But if you keep both, make sure they’re different. I would only make one of them surprisingly upbeat and positive. Have the other be the opposite. At the moment, they’re my favourite character(s).
- P42: Mathias says ‘an’ instead of ‘am’. Also, he re-preaches his values. I realize Elizabeth didn’t know this but the audience did, they will get bored if you feed them the same info over and over again. Besides, that piece of dialogue could be cut back.
- I’m beginning to worry. With Pretty Boy and his thugs on their tail they had a clear goal and stakes, but now that they’re gone the story is beginning to stagnate. You need to give them a new goal soon. Keep the story moving. They can have the same discussions while trying to achieve the next goal. Chuck is talking about getting weapons, I hope we get something more interesting. Some complication. Because the story started off with a bang. In fact it will be difficult to make the story intensify with such a big, life threatening chase to begin with.
- P45: More recapping of info we already know.
- I like the conflict between the group. Deciding which way to go was just dialogue and them not really doing anything, yet I was riveted. Having said that. Chuck was such a hero to begin with, it’s hard to swallow that the traumatized useless woman has just awoken and become the leader, while he’s become enemy number one. I think the scene works, but it could be setup better earlier. Maybe make Chuck not want to help them in the first place, but he has a selfish reason to do so? Also, why would he go with them? He’s better off by himself and he doesn’t like them. Give him a reason. Or have him disappear and reappear when they need him.
- Pretty Boys’ alive? No, I can’t see how that could happen. An ex military man like Chuck know the difference. And he specifically checked. Why not have Pretty Boy escape from the original shoot out. They know he’s injured, but anything could happen. It would make the past ten pages way more exciting. Everyone would be in a panic to move somewhere in case he came back with friends. They would have the motivation they’re lacking. It makes the exact same scenes far more exciting and intense.
- Make getting the school buses some sort of mission. Or at least the fuel. Don’t just have them sitting there. They’re literally a gift from the writer.
- P54: Romeo Uniform Six needs to be (O.S.) or (filtered).
- P56: I’m not buying their reason to not call the military for help. If you stick with that, you should at least show us the military committing atrocities. Show don’t tell. However, I have another idea (again it all depends where you’re going). I got the feeling Chuck is lying when he said he left the military. Maybe the radio doesn’t work. He fixes it, and when he’s all alone the military call. He disconnects the radio and doesn’t tell anyone. Later on, we see how bad the military are and understand why he did it.
- At this point I’d like to mention that Tariff has sunk right into the background since getting to the farm house. He seemed like an interesting character and we’ve learned little about him. It seem that he’s treading a lot of similar territory to Mathias. Do you really need to pacifists? So far, Elizabeth, Chuck, one little girl, one pacifist, would do the same job.
- P57: You left one of your notes there. Funny, I do the exact same thing leaving **** whenever I know I need to put something else in but can’t think how to do it at the time.
- P58-9: Two pages of nothing happening and people just saying what they’ve already said. It doesn’t move the story forward. Just have the montage, cut the rest.
- I’d rather they started to feel safe on the buses, but we see Pretty Boy and his crew closing in on them. Build the tension. Rather than the other way round.
- I like the leaning to drive scene. But considering they just heard that Pretty Boy’s on their tail, it doesn’t seem like the right time to try. If I was Chuck I’d rather drive all day and all night just till I knew I was safe.
- I liked the learning to drive scene but 5 pages is simply too long. Nothing is happening. They’re not getting anywhere. All the urgency you built up to that point is ebbing away. You could cut it back to 2 or 3 pages and still convey the same thing.
- I realize you probably have two buses so that Elizabeth had to drive one, but it occurs to me that there was only 15 people plus the main crew yet school buses can carry around fifty. I understand they would be taking supplies, but they don’t exactly need to be stretched out in the lap of luxury. If you think they need to take two buses give them a plausible reason. Otherwise, they’re just wasting fuel.
- Similar thing with Pretty Boy and the nurse. What’s the purpose of this scene? I’m guessing it’s a setup for something later. But it doesn’t move the story forward. In fact worse, it shows us the villains aren’t in pursuit, therefore lowering the tension and conflict. Again it could be cut down to a page or two.
- Your montage scene isn’t formatted correctly. Not sure where it ends. Most of it seems to play out like a regular scene.
- P78: I was just thinking it’s been a while since you mentioned the girls. Good stuff. Maybe make sure you give a nod to their location every few pages. Maybe just mention they were asleep on the bus during the learning to drive scene.
- Mathias and Elizabeth? Didn’t see that one coming. Thought he was the creepy religious guy that ends up double crossing them or something. Thought Elizabeth and Chuck would be far more interesting.
- P79: CHUCK Comes from all the psych tests you have to take in the military. – Horribly on the nose line. Not needed, you could save pages cutting all the little lines of dialogue like this one out.
- P82-83: We are in exactly the same position we were fifteen or twenty pages ago. Making the decision on where to go. The threat of the military on one side, and Pretty Boy on the other. Nothing has changed. That means we don’t need all those pages. She already made this decision. Something more needs to be happening.
- “What say we get on with it?” – Yes, please.
- Moments that should be full of tension are ruined by the constant yabbering. Like the bombs being dropped. We don’t need Chuck to explain it so boringly, stating the obvious. And none of them showing any haste even though they can hear Pretty Boy coming. Sound doesn’t travel that far.
- Again: CHUCK Everyone be careful going down the stairs. At the bottom is a another set of doors. It’s open right now but we can barricade it when we get down there. Follow the hallway right to the end. – Just make it – “Everyone, down the stairs.” Same thing. We don’t need all the other details.
- P96: The big showdown – Nope, more talking. Very preachy. Plus the kid’s right. Let the soldier with the gun go, not the crazy woman with the bat.
- Zack’s dead. What was the purpose of him being there? Or the nurse? They had nothing to do with the story.
- The final showdown was a bit of a letdown. The odds were strongly in the good guys favor. They had a badly wounded man outnumbered. In the end Chuck or Elizabeth could both have taken him out. So the hero wasn’t even needed. You’ll find in most movies the final showdown is the hero alone versus the villain. Like Jaws, the others are dead or underwater. It comes down to Sheriff Brody vs the Shark. To make it exciting you need to make the hero an underdog that rises up and beats the odds to become victorious. I never had any doubt they could defeat him. I just thought he was stupid to still be trying.
I must say the pedophile brothel isn't something I've seen in a movie before, so congrats on the original idea. However, I would consider changing it. It and instant R rating, and the rest of the movie isn't. If it were just a normal house, with a man and two kids. That turns out to be sinister as the guy is selling the kids to people who arrive. Elizabeth arrives and saves them (or just one, all that's needed).
The real strength of the script, and what you should really stick to and emphasize, is that we have this regular woman in an extraordinary situation. She has three forces pulling on her decisions (therefore only needing three other characters). Chuck, who has the gung-ho kill everyone selfish personality. Tariaf/Mathias who has the passive, avoid conflict approach. And the girls, who are a constant reminder of raw human innocence. She must take all these points of view and make the correct decisions. Focus on that, give them a series of goals, maybe a better hook, and you'll have a masterpiece.
Good luck with rewrites. Feel free to contact me if you have any queries, I probably missed a few things in my explanations. read
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Reviews by Paul Clarke 72
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A review of And They Say Life Sucks (v.6)by Paul Clarke on 05/14/2013Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could... Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could make it more interesting. Maybe focus more on the funny aspects, take out the bit about the cathedral. I just think it could be a hard sell to get the right person to read it.
There’s two important things required in a comedy. Make us laugh. Don’t bore us. You achieve both. The script has humor spread throughout, and it just flies by being mostly dialogue. I would consider fleshing out the ending though. As I point out in the notes below, I think you could make better use of the ending. The story builds up to it well. In the end it is a bit of a let down.
The second strength of this script is the structure. You have constant story development. First he dies. Then he gets the offer in heaven. He finds out George wants Barbara. The old men attack. Offer from Satan. Too often the amateur scripts go on without any actual story development. They mistake events for story. Yours is not only full of development, but it is well paced and in all the right places.
As for the characters. I did like Harvey. I felt I knew him early. I cared about him. But he didn’t really have any single characteristic that made him stand out. Made him truly memorable. I would consider introducing the back story about the issues with his father in the first act, while he’s still alive. As that is the big pay off at the end. The story begins with his issues with Barbara, they are sorted (kind of), but the ending is around his father. Which works, I just think it would work better if it was introduced as a big part of his life early on. The supporting cast do their role. They are funny. They grow as the film progresses. They seem like individuals, I feel I know them. Which is all good. Ultimately they probably fall into the same category of not being truly memorable. But that’s a tough ask.
The concept is possibly the weak link of the story. Like I said, I wasn’t sold by the logline. You have a good story, but what makes it stand out from the others? What makes it different, memorable? Not sure what you could do to improve it. Some sort of comedic irony in the initial setup maybe? Make Harvey is from a heavy metal band that became famous for being Satan worshipers? Something.
Anyway, here’s some detailed notes I took while reading. I usually end up with three times this many notes. That’s a good sign. I just flew through this one. There were very few if any errors:
- Title page: Not sure how well the different font title will go down with the pros. Also needs another line break between ‘by’ and your name.
- I like the sense of humour used on the first page. Sets the tone, makes it clear this is a comedy. However, I think you could dramatize the first paragraph. Why not say she lays on the floor (don’t mention she’s dead), say she’s attractive, even with no make-up and her hair not done… and a gaping hole in her chest! That’s the payoff for the shot. Save it for last.
-Page 10 update: While I thought the first two sequences (at K-Mart and at work) were well enough written, and they flowed well, they could probably both be cut back a touch. If possible find a nice beat to sum up the scene and end it there. Yours tend to just wander off. Also, the supporting cast seem very over-the-top. I don’t like them, don’t understand them. However, I totally feel like I’m getting to know and care about Harvey. So that’s the main thing you need to do in those pages. Well done.
- P48: Pages are just flying by. Very funny. Mostly dialogue. Not sure if there’s enough story development so far. Time will tell. I like the complication that George has fallen for Barbara. Great conflict set up there.
- P53: It seems really odd that Alicia would interrupt George while he was working on the plans to tell him he’ll help with Barbara. Why interrupt? That’s the behavior he’s trying to encourage. Rather, have her clearly work out that he only works when in his love mode. Have him work on the plans, but it fades, his hand stops drawing. No normal encouragement can get him to continue, that’s when she agrees to help him with Barbara. It should be a big decision. Show it so.
- I can’t tell if Shane is an asshole or a genius. Brilliant dialogue.
- P71: You use the word ‘rushes’ 4 times in 5 sentences. Mix it up. Also, the old men were off screen for so much of the story, I’m not sure how well their reintroduction will work.
- P83: “…a Frogger game with unlimited lives.” – Love it!
- I really liked the payoff with Rooster being his father. That was well done. But I’m just not sure about how things were tied up with Barbara and George. Not to mention we never find out anything about the cathedral. Leaves a few loose ends. And while him shooting himself and not regenerating is funny, I don’t know if it’s the right time for humor. I really feel you could use that to milk the emotional climax of the story. The structure is all there, it’s just that big last beat that doesn’t pay-off all the brilliant work up until then. At 99 pages there’s room to do a little more. Also, the big decision, burn the plans or not - kind of happens off screen. I think you could dramatize that better. That's what the entire movie is building to. Make it a difficult decision. Show he likes the way hell is, but would rather see Barbara happy.
So to sum up. I liked the read. It made me laugh. It didn’t bore me. It was professional. My advice to take it to the next step is to try to maximize the concept. Make it stand out. Make it memorable. And work on the fine details of the characters. Also making them memorable. If possible, try to work some set piece scenes. Most of you locations (heaven aside) were boring. Coffee shops, restaurants, people’s homes. That’s good if you want to make it cheap. But at this stage you want to make it stand out. Set piece sequences don’t just happen in action movies. Most of your favorite comedies probably have them. Use them to spice up the already good story.
Best of luck, Paul. read -
A review of Harbor Roadby Paul Clarke on 12/12/2012I must admit I love a good zombie flick. While you never call them that here, that's essentially what we have. The fact that the disease is unleashed on the population in the form of a bio-weapon is something new. I don't recall another zombie movie that plays out like that. But once that happens, it's same old same old. You never make any use of the setup. It doesn't make... I must admit I love a good zombie flick. While you never call them that here, that's essentially what we have. The fact that the disease is unleashed on the population in the form of a bio-weapon is something new. I don't recall another zombie movie that plays out like that. But once that happens, it's same old same old. You never make any use of the setup. It doesn't make any difference how the disease got out. And therefore, it has nothing original to offer from all the other zombie movies out there. And there are a few. You need look no further than Zombieland to see that there's so many they're making semi satirical versions. The popularity of The Walking Dead TV shows that there's still plenty of life left in the zombie genre, but you need to come up with your own spin on things. Make it stand out from the pack.
Zombies aside, I'm afraid the script is just really lacking in story. The events of the script could easily happen in a 42 minute TV show like the walking dead. They're stretched out over the period of 100 pages. But nothing really happens. The three beats to the story are: 1) disease breaks out, people turn to zombies 2) they flee, meet people on the road 3) they have a showdown and lose someone in the junk yard. A movie needs at least seven or eight beats like this. Not 3. You can't have an entire second act where they meet a couple of people and kill the dog. There's just no enough story development. We don't learn anything new about the virus, or about the characters, or about what's going to happen to them.
Your characters are okay, but a little muddled. I liked Wood, but he acts out of character later in the piece. They all sort of start acting the same, aside from Cross, who just such an asshole that he doesn't even seem like a real person. The female characters are very underdone. His wife is shown from the start to be quick to grab the gun, but this payoff is never utilized as she doesn't really do anything for the rest of the trip. The daughter is never in direct danger, the movie would be no different if she was removed (keep her in, just use her for something). And the wife never goes back to counseling Wood after the initial opening.
Here are some more specific notes I took while reading:
- I would like to see a better description of Ryan and Danni. Especially because this is the opening image. Character description is the one place where you can get away with some unfilmable description. Give us a brief insight into who these people are. How are they lying together? Is one facing away from the other? One trying to wrap an arm round and being denied? That first paragraph really needs to grab the audience. I would spend some serious time on it.
- P6: You can’t really say they continue talking. Either they have dialogue or not. Just say there’s a noise.
- Once Wood is free, why wouldn’t he be the one to shoot the cop? He has the arms experience, plus it’s his idea. It seems like implausible behavior for Ryan who didn’t even want to hit him. Plus it’s an extreme action to take. Why don’t they just leave the cop there and leave the station?
- P10: cant – should be can’t
- P21: “Well, we don’t need rakes.” Nice line. Love it.
- Lots of dialogue and action descriptions are poorly worded. They confuse rather than relaying the story. I find myself having to reread them a couple of times to makes sure I understand. That slows the read and pulls me out of the story. For example page 54: “A look of terror covers Tanya’s face when she sees the infected policewoman at the door on the other side. Reggie turns and sees her just as she notices them.” Needs work. Make it clear, simple, and concise.
- P60: There hasn’t been any story development in a long time. Just people running from Zombie like creatures. Nothing we haven’t all seen a million times before. We either need to be learning something new about these characters or about the disease. Other than Wood and his issues, we only know these people on a superficial level.
- Cross is just too much of an asshole to seem like a real human being.
- P81: WOOD "He’s being a hero again." – I think that should be Ryan’s line.
- Love the junkyard location. Would look great on screen. And a good symbol as it’s essentially a modern day graveyard. Full of dead cars.
- You need to incorporate Wood and his panic attacks throughout the script. Having one at the beginning and one at the end just doesn’t work. It’s too convenient. Also, it gives him the same basic flaw as Ryan. An inability to act in such a situation. Only one of them should be like that. For most of the story Wood is strong and heroic. Taking action. Ryan is the opposite. This is a good dynamic. It contrasts their differences. Try to keep them to their roles. As it’s written now they’re switching back and forth and inconsistent as people.
- Not sure if I’m on board with the ending. Doesn’t leave me with any great emotional pay-off. Just shows that if everyone had stayed inside and listened to instructions they probably would have been alright.
- Also, I think it would have made for a much better dynamic to show Wood and Danni fighting from the beginning, rather than getting along so well. Bringing more irony to the fact that he now has to take care of them. And it would make sense that her husband is a nice considerate man who is constantly getting into trouble because of his brother. She would resent him for that.
- I didn’t think you made the most of the post traumatic stress thing. Was it caused by him seeing a child die? It comes back so far after it’s brought up that I can’t remember the details. I could barely remember that he had panic attacks at all because he never had any throughout the rest of the movie. It would make sense that seeing a child die would cause them to come back. But, as with many other parts of this story, it’s ultimately underutilized.
My advice would be to work on two specific things:
First: Come up with an original twist/idea for the story. Nobody would read this script based on the logline/premise as it's exactly the same as every other zombie story.
Second: Really work on the inter-character dynamic between the brothers and the wife. This is where the meat of your story is. At the moment it's basically just one big happy family. That's story suicide. Drama comes from conflict. The best conflict would be what's going on between them, rather than them versus the zombies. Just make it that the extreme nature of the situation brings out all the emotional stuff. Wood and Ryan are supposed to be opposites, but they act so similarly and get on so well it's never used. Also, there was a moment at the start where Ryan walks in on D consoling Wood. I thought there was going to be a misunderstanding and all sorts of conflict arising. It should all begin in the back story. Other than Wood being a veteran we know nothing. These are two brothers and a wife, therefore they've all been together for years, they know each other inside out, they have tonnes of history. Use it. It never came out in the story. Their back story should be all about their relationships with each other. Characters are nothing alone, they are all part of a interconnected web.
All the best with future rewrites. read -
A review of BORDERLANDSby Paul Clarke on 10/10/2012Well, where to start. I do like post-apocalyptic stories. However, there's so many out there these days. The market's flooded with books, movies, and TV shows. I'd like to know what you plan for this script. To sell it you'll need some sort of hook. Something to differentiate it from all the others. I don't think the Occupy riots is a good enough one. Also, you're playing with... Well, where to start. I do like post-apocalyptic stories. However, there's so many out there these days. The market's flooded with books, movies, and TV shows. I'd like to know what you plan for this script. To sell it you'll need some sort of hook. Something to differentiate it from all the others. I don't think the Occupy riots is a good enough one. Also, you're playing with fire using a real life event like that as it changes. It takes a year or two to make a movie, it will be long over and forgotten by then (if it's not already). Also, I didn't really find it a plausible idea. I think just a general down turning of society would do the same thing. People start fighting. Show it on the news. Spiraling out of control. Don't mention what started it until you're really sure it's a great, unique idea.
I think the strongest part of your script is the characters. For the most part, I liked them. I found them to be real likable people, stuck in a horrible situation. And I wanted them to succeed. But they certainly had a few issues. Some of them felt inconsistent. Mainly Elizabeth. Not good when she's your hero. She just seemed to flop around from useless crazy person, to amazing hero, and back. With little or no reason. I couldn't always understand her behaviour. Some of her decisions seemed like they were made by the writer and not the character. On top of that, I think you had too many characters. Keep it simple. You had many background characters that weren't named. That's fine. So why have two little girls? They never did anything different. I couldn't tell them apart. Same with Tariaf and Mathias. They both played the pacifist role. It was an important role to counter Chuck. But they basically took turns doing things. You could have one character do both roles. Then there's the minor characters like Zack and the nurse. They never even meet the hero party. Therefore they have no influence. It would be more exciting if Pretty Boy seemed like some super-human villain. A terminator that just keeps coming back for more. Rather than a badly wounded man who could barely stand.
Next is dialogue. I'm afraid it need lots of work. There's simply way too much of it. And it constantly just states the obvious. Or what's already happened. Cut out the extraneous dialogue and you'd probably shave 20 or more pages of it. That shows that the story is lacking too (I'll get to that soon). I gave a few examples in my notes. But basically you need to make them talk like a real person would. Not just constantly recapping the events and decisions. Give the audience some credit. They'll get it.
So we get to structure. You have a clear setup and final showdown (first and third acts). And your second act starts well with Chuck and Elizabeth on the run. But then we get about 50 pages (half the script) with little or no real events. They basically make the decision to go to the depot (why there?) and then travel there. They're never attacked or under any direct threat. It's definitely the weak point of the script. I think a story like this is really designed to use a sequence like structural approach. It should be a series of mini-goals, and when one goal is reached another appears. No gaps. No sitting around having conversations. Think of Toy Story, it's one obstacle after another. The solution to each problem causes them to directly go into the next. For example. In your story it would make more sense for Pretty Boy to escape the shootout at the farm-house, but for them to know it. Therefore everything after that is a rush because he might come back with more men. Everything is full of tension and excitement. Then, I'll let you gift them a bus, but don't give them the fuel. Make them work for it. A mini goal/story. Get the barrels of fuel. And do it quickly before he comes back. Then once the get the fuel, put something else in the way. There needs to be constant resistance to their efforts, otherwise it becomes boring. Movies usually have eight sequences, yours has four.
Lastly, there are lots of minor inconsistencies and logical issues. Many of which I've pointed out in the notes. For example, why would they camp on the cold ground, shivering together. And then when threatened they head to a farm house they could see from that very same spot. It's not a big problem to fix. Simply have them flee into some forest and find the house hidden amongst the trees. But the point is it ruins the read. It looks lazy on the readers behalf, that they didn't take the time to think the story through. Make sure you go through. They're almost all really easy to fix. It just takes some time and thought.
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- Int should be Int.
- news reader should be capitalized.
- If it’s picture in picture then you should indicate we’re watching the news report on a television, not from inside the studio.
- It’s dangerous to write about a specific current event because it is likely to be all over by the time the shoot the film and may no longer be as relevant.
- I’d prefer if the action blocks were shorter, simpler sentences. Just a personal preference I guess.
- P5: I’d say her pack looked emptier, no lighter. We can’t really see its weight.
- I’m no grammar expert, but it seems some of those longer sentences could do with some punctuation. If nothing else, just to make it an easier read. I had to reread several of them to wrap my head around what they were saying. Not a good thing. You want the reader to whisk through, quick and easy, so they can focus on the good stuff. For example P6: “A man with a pretty face marred by a long scar down one cheek sits in a cage and takes money from the patrons as other men deliver girls and sometimes boys to darkened booths.”
- P7: Muslim would be his religion of choice, it in no ways describes how they physically appear. Anyone could be a Muslim so you can’t really include it in your description. Rather you could indicate by clothing or some religious artifact they’re carrying.
- P8: Although we’ve only just met him, it seems odd to have Tarif spitting.
- P9: I’d rather see the protagonist active. So rather than have her watching the rough-necks, and getting a stroke of luck when they pass out and leave, have her distract them or do something. That would make us like her more. Keep her active.
- I must say it’s very dark material when you have children being pimped out. And it’s not implied at, it’s right in your face. Not sure if many production companies would be put off by that.
- P14: UGLY MAN I don’t want any of this shit. I’m gone. Keep the stuff. – an example of unnecessary and on the nose dialogue. If he’s rushing out the door. Why would he stop and say so much. He’s only repeating what’s happening. He rushes out and leaves the stuff behind, so the dialogue is redundant.
- P17: Pretty Boy releases Elizabeth and gestures to the first roughneck and one of the ones with a gun. The first roughneck drops Elizabeth’s bat on the floor. – an example of confusing action description. Give the roughnecks a distinguishing characteristic so we can better differentiate between them. Rather than just 1 and 2. On top of that “one of the ones with a gun.”: Really needs to be rewritten to make it clearer and easier to read. Not to mention, why would he drop the bat? Why not take it with him? It’s a little too convenient.
- P17: How does she surprise him after giving him a five line speech? I think she would have his attention entirely. Maybe someone else should say it?
- P18: She can’t be completely unresponsive. She just lit a match. She clearly knows what she’s doing.
- P21: CHUCK Then get over her and I’ll what food we have. – Missing a word?
- The children don’t really talk like children. Ideally we should be able to tell who’s talking without reading the character name, but yours sound mostly the same. Except the doctor who explains everything.
- So they chose to make camp at a place where they could see a farm house in the distance from? And they could see it at night? Maybe they should move first. Stumble across the house.
-P24: “and Kat raises the hand that doesn’t have a thumb in her mouth.” Brilliant visual. Love it.
- P27: PRETTY BOY Yeah, they probably went in there when they heard us coming. Well, lets get up to the house and get back our own. – Another terribly on the nose dialogue that states the obvious. We already know all that, no need to recap something that happened two pages ago.
- P30: Maybe say the boy is dead rather than dying. Otherwise he should be rushing to get the doctor or some sort of help rather than calmly closing his eyes. Also, wouldn’t Mathias be mad at the intruders for bringing pain and death down on them. I mean until they showed up they were safe. The attackers were after them, and it cost a young boy his life. Yet he barely seems upset.
- P34: It only took 37 days for society to collapse and create things like pedophile brothels (that looked to be in business for a while). I’d make it at least six months. Elizabeth could have been with her father for that long.
- Bunny has started to act more like Kat. Not sure if you really need both (it might play out later). But if you keep both, make sure they’re different. I would only make one of them surprisingly upbeat and positive. Have the other be the opposite. At the moment, they’re my favourite character(s).
- P42: Mathias says ‘an’ instead of ‘am’. Also, he re-preaches his values. I realize Elizabeth didn’t know this but the audience did, they will get bored if you feed them the same info over and over again. Besides, that piece of dialogue could be cut back.
- I’m beginning to worry. With Pretty Boy and his thugs on their tail they had a clear goal and stakes, but now that they’re gone the story is beginning to stagnate. You need to give them a new goal soon. Keep the story moving. They can have the same discussions while trying to achieve the next goal. Chuck is talking about getting weapons, I hope we get something more interesting. Some complication. Because the story started off with a bang. In fact it will be difficult to make the story intensify with such a big, life threatening chase to begin with.
- P45: More recapping of info we already know.
- I like the conflict between the group. Deciding which way to go was just dialogue and them not really doing anything, yet I was riveted. Having said that. Chuck was such a hero to begin with, it’s hard to swallow that the traumatized useless woman has just awoken and become the leader, while he’s become enemy number one. I think the scene works, but it could be setup better earlier. Maybe make Chuck not want to help them in the first place, but he has a selfish reason to do so? Also, why would he go with them? He’s better off by himself and he doesn’t like them. Give him a reason. Or have him disappear and reappear when they need him.
- Pretty Boys’ alive? No, I can’t see how that could happen. An ex military man like Chuck know the difference. And he specifically checked. Why not have Pretty Boy escape from the original shoot out. They know he’s injured, but anything could happen. It would make the past ten pages way more exciting. Everyone would be in a panic to move somewhere in case he came back with friends. They would have the motivation they’re lacking. It makes the exact same scenes far more exciting and intense.
- Make getting the school buses some sort of mission. Or at least the fuel. Don’t just have them sitting there. They’re literally a gift from the writer.
- P54: Romeo Uniform Six needs to be (O.S.) or (filtered).
- P56: I’m not buying their reason to not call the military for help. If you stick with that, you should at least show us the military committing atrocities. Show don’t tell. However, I have another idea (again it all depends where you’re going). I got the feeling Chuck is lying when he said he left the military. Maybe the radio doesn’t work. He fixes it, and when he’s all alone the military call. He disconnects the radio and doesn’t tell anyone. Later on, we see how bad the military are and understand why he did it.
- At this point I’d like to mention that Tariff has sunk right into the background since getting to the farm house. He seemed like an interesting character and we’ve learned little about him. It seem that he’s treading a lot of similar territory to Mathias. Do you really need to pacifists? So far, Elizabeth, Chuck, one little girl, one pacifist, would do the same job.
- P57: You left one of your notes there. Funny, I do the exact same thing leaving **** whenever I know I need to put something else in but can’t think how to do it at the time.
- P58-9: Two pages of nothing happening and people just saying what they’ve already said. It doesn’t move the story forward. Just have the montage, cut the rest.
- I’d rather they started to feel safe on the buses, but we see Pretty Boy and his crew closing in on them. Build the tension. Rather than the other way round.
- I like the leaning to drive scene. But considering they just heard that Pretty Boy’s on their tail, it doesn’t seem like the right time to try. If I was Chuck I’d rather drive all day and all night just till I knew I was safe.
- I liked the learning to drive scene but 5 pages is simply too long. Nothing is happening. They’re not getting anywhere. All the urgency you built up to that point is ebbing away. You could cut it back to 2 or 3 pages and still convey the same thing.
- I realize you probably have two buses so that Elizabeth had to drive one, but it occurs to me that there was only 15 people plus the main crew yet school buses can carry around fifty. I understand they would be taking supplies, but they don’t exactly need to be stretched out in the lap of luxury. If you think they need to take two buses give them a plausible reason. Otherwise, they’re just wasting fuel.
- Similar thing with Pretty Boy and the nurse. What’s the purpose of this scene? I’m guessing it’s a setup for something later. But it doesn’t move the story forward. In fact worse, it shows us the villains aren’t in pursuit, therefore lowering the tension and conflict. Again it could be cut down to a page or two.
- Your montage scene isn’t formatted correctly. Not sure where it ends. Most of it seems to play out like a regular scene.
- P78: I was just thinking it’s been a while since you mentioned the girls. Good stuff. Maybe make sure you give a nod to their location every few pages. Maybe just mention they were asleep on the bus during the learning to drive scene.
- Mathias and Elizabeth? Didn’t see that one coming. Thought he was the creepy religious guy that ends up double crossing them or something. Thought Elizabeth and Chuck would be far more interesting.
- P79: CHUCK Comes from all the psych tests you have to take in the military. – Horribly on the nose line. Not needed, you could save pages cutting all the little lines of dialogue like this one out.
- P82-83: We are in exactly the same position we were fifteen or twenty pages ago. Making the decision on where to go. The threat of the military on one side, and Pretty Boy on the other. Nothing has changed. That means we don’t need all those pages. She already made this decision. Something more needs to be happening.
- “What say we get on with it?” – Yes, please.
- Moments that should be full of tension are ruined by the constant yabbering. Like the bombs being dropped. We don’t need Chuck to explain it so boringly, stating the obvious. And none of them showing any haste even though they can hear Pretty Boy coming. Sound doesn’t travel that far.
- Again: CHUCK Everyone be careful going down the stairs. At the bottom is a another set of doors. It’s open right now but we can barricade it when we get down there. Follow the hallway right to the end. – Just make it – “Everyone, down the stairs.” Same thing. We don’t need all the other details.
- P96: The big showdown – Nope, more talking. Very preachy. Plus the kid’s right. Let the soldier with the gun go, not the crazy woman with the bat.
- Zack’s dead. What was the purpose of him being there? Or the nurse? They had nothing to do with the story.
- The final showdown was a bit of a letdown. The odds were strongly in the good guys favor. They had a badly wounded man outnumbered. In the end Chuck or Elizabeth could both have taken him out. So the hero wasn’t even needed. You’ll find in most movies the final showdown is the hero alone versus the villain. Like Jaws, the others are dead or underwater. It comes down to Sheriff Brody vs the Shark. To make it exciting you need to make the hero an underdog that rises up and beats the odds to become victorious. I never had any doubt they could defeat him. I just thought he was stupid to still be trying.
I must say the pedophile brothel isn't something I've seen in a movie before, so congrats on the original idea. However, I would consider changing it. It and instant R rating, and the rest of the movie isn't. If it were just a normal house, with a man and two kids. That turns out to be sinister as the guy is selling the kids to people who arrive. Elizabeth arrives and saves them (or just one, all that's needed).
The real strength of the script, and what you should really stick to and emphasize, is that we have this regular woman in an extraordinary situation. She has three forces pulling on her decisions (therefore only needing three other characters). Chuck, who has the gung-ho kill everyone selfish personality. Tariaf/Mathias who has the passive, avoid conflict approach. And the girls, who are a constant reminder of raw human innocence. She must take all these points of view and make the correct decisions. Focus on that, give them a series of goals, maybe a better hook, and you'll have a masterpiece.
Good luck with rewrites. Feel free to contact me if you have any queries, I probably missed a few things in my explanations. read -
A review of SIDESby Paul Clarke on 09/08/2012Well, what a full on, no holds barred script this is. Very imaginative, very creative. I could see little hints toward many other movies like The Matrix and Suckerpunch. Yet overall, it was a very original mixture. I would say however, that it sometimes suffers from the same weaknesses that Suckerpunch did. In that the beautiful scenarios and amazing scenes are used at the... Well, what a full on, no holds barred script this is. Very imaginative, very creative. I could see little hints toward many other movies like The Matrix and Suckerpunch. Yet overall, it was a very original mixture. I would say however, that it sometimes suffers from the same weaknesses that Suckerpunch did. In that the beautiful scenarios and amazing scenes are used at the cost of good story/character. I felt Suckerpunch was a flat, unemotional movie because we never had a good idea of the rules of the world it was set it. Therefore, we didn't know what could kill her and so there was never a real sense of threat. And I never really cared what happened to her. Also, there are several occasions (you only do it a couple of times) where the rules of the world seem to just be made up on the spot by the writer to solve the problem at hand. I think you really need to work on the opening act, establish the rules better. Show someone jacking in. Show Emma somehow. Just set the tone and rules better. Then it feels organic when it happens later in the story. As it is now, your structure is very good. But the opening act feels disjointed, like it's not part of the rest of the story. If you set it up better, the rest would feel better without changing it at all.
I love the characters. They're all dysfunctional in their own way, great. They all had their own distinct voices. Great. Their motivations were good, except for Drake. I had a real problem with him. You set him up to be an anti-hero who comes good in the end. But I think you could make him more human from the beginning. His motivation for getting into the whole ordeal is simply money/debt. I think if you made it so he was doing it for his own daughter (a factor that's already at play in the script anyway) then we would empathize with him more. Cheer him on. He could still be a bad ass, but with his heart in the right spot. Even better, make it so that even though he's doing all this for his daughter she'll never know and never meet him. That would make his like him even more. Yet still allow him to be a low-life criminal.
The biggest issue I had with the script was the over use of dialogue. You have some amazing visual descriptions of the world they live in, but so much of the story takes place in the dialogue. I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but show don't tell. A lot of the dialogue could be replaced with reactions to what the other person is saying, rather than saying something back.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
- So I look through my list of assignments. Boring, boring, heist film. Jackpot. One of my favourites. One I enjoy watching, reading and writing. And the synopsis sounds intriguing. The only thing that seems odd is that it’s classified as sci-fi/fantasy and not thriller. All the more reason to see what it’s all about.
- Initial feelings: Love the opening descriptions of the characters and things like their speed. Thought the first conversation was a little on the nose. It was very much one of those, let’s just recap everything that’s going on for the audience, and not a natural conversation. Having said that, the dialogue itself is well written. They already have distinct, interesting voices.
- P8: “GUY No, we’re cool. I mean, that’s the whole point, right? The system can analyze traffic flow and pick the best routes, better than any one driver. We can’t see the big picture. Eliminates accidents, human error.” – Same thing. It’s an interesting technological development that’s important for the world of your story. But it would be nice if it could be shown rather spelled out.
- P15: “Though his alterations are discrete, it is clear that he is artificially enhanced. Wired reflexes, muscle replacements, sub-dermal armor, cybereyes, killsofts – all the best Yakuza money can buy.” – But how do we see this on screen? Even better, just hint at it. Make it a surprise when he's shot later and exposes metal and robotics. Terminator style.
- Would there not be criminal charges for vehicular manslaughter?
- P20: One of the dialogue lines is offset too far.
- P23: Oh, I see. Money, or credit, has replaced punishment. You only go to jail when you run out of cred.
- After Fenuci came to them with the offer, I’d have liked to see some sort of resistance. Some reason not to go ahead. Maybe morals, because they’ll have to kill her. Or something else, maybe that it can’t be done. Give the mission a real depth. Without some resistance to doing it, some sort of refusal (even briefly), the task just seems too easy and too risk free. It’s not these guys wandering into another world they would never go otherwise, it’s merely another day at work.
- P30 Recap: I love the interesting world you’ve created. I can see it. It interests me. Some matrix like elements. But the story itself isn’t setting the world on fire. So far it’s very by the book. No original twists. You could imagine the same story told a million times in normal time with a regular P.I. or some other detective. I hope it improves and doesn’t rely entirely on the wonderful world it plays out in.
- P34: Why would Drake suddenly start telling a little girl he just met about his daughter and wife? Very unnatural. Clearly you need this info for the story, so have the girl tell it to Drake. Have him upset that she’s been snooping. Upset to have such personal information brought up. And make it clear that it’s a painful memory. That makes it much more natural, and it’s totally believable that she would do it to prove her skills.
- P35-36: I thought that conversation dragged on a little too long. Maybe just a couple of lines. I do like the way you’ve given them all their own voices, but I think sometimes they can be too much. Like they’re all trying to be too cute. I wasn’t convinced by the girls dialogue in this conversation.
- P41-44: A well written action scene. But it has nothing to do with the story. It doesn’t progress the story. Neither did his call to his daughter for that matter. I assume it will come back in use later, but you can't spend such a big portion on a setup. It needs to incorporate the story more. They can’t just be wandering at random, attacked at random, saved at random. Then on to the next unrelated scene.
- Just a thought: If you wanted to incorporate his past with his wife and daughter. Why don’t you put it in the first act. Have it as one of the motivating factors for doing the job. I don’t like a hero who’s doing a mission for a bad guy and is going to kill someone, just because he owes him money. Because he’s in debt for a random accident. Have them threaten to do something to his daughter. That’s much better leverage. Plus it means you can bring it in organically to the story. Plus it creates empathy. I would feel for a character who just wants to protect his little girl, even if he isn’t allowed to talk to her. In fact, more if he isn’t allowed to talk to her. That makes him less selfish again.
- P46-47: Again the conversation continues on a few beats too long. It would be acceptable if something else was happening. But as it’s a simple conversation about morals, I’d keep it brief. I did like the way Drake is pondering, then snaps back to his hard ass self.
- Given what an amazing killer Kado has been implied to be, I would have thought he’d have made a better job of killing a girl and her mother. Maybe if Drake used the single bullet to shoot at him. That would be a better distraction. And the fact that he only has one bullet would mean he can’t finish him off.
- Scratch that. Guy shooting him. Nice twist. Clearly I didn’t see it coming.
- P61: Don’t they want the girl alive? I mean that was the whole point of the operation. Seems odd they would risk killing her now.
- P62: So we get the Red Jack payoff. Still don’t like it. They’re too friendly. I don’t think they would take such a risk for someone who killed a couple of their rivals. I mean they would have no trouble dispatching with all three of them anyway. Maybe, if Drake had saved one of the Red Jack’s in the process? Not that he would. But I think some extra thought needs to go into a creative idea here that’s more plausible and somehow original.
- P65: I think if she just called her Gwenn for a while. And only when she’d really accepted forgiveness she could call her Mom. It’s been done before, but I think it would be a nice way to show she’s having trouble coming to grips with having a mother she knew nothing of for such a long time.
- We’re going a long time without Drake being involved. Try to avoid having the protagonist off screen for a long time. Especially as we’re not seeing his opposition, we’re watching his friends.
- P68: Plot hole – If Johnny knew where she lived the whole time, why use him to trick her into the open with such an elaborate and risky plan? Why not just go there and kidnap her?
- If the hackers are so good. Why don’t they have more money and live in nicer places?
- P80: Beautiful visuals.
- P81: Rather than telling us it’s a sleaze program created by Madcat, you need to show. Or in this case it’s probably easiest for her to mention it in dialogue. She might just have a single line saying, “here’s a program I created for you.” Otherwise there’s no way of the movie audience knowing this.
- Maybe switch the last two shots. Leave on Emma and Gwenn’s face?
All in all a great concept. Something different. Something people would pay to see if done right, and therefore something you could sell. I just think you need to cut back the dialogue, and fix up the first act and it would be great. Looking back, the firs act is about stealing body part, and the automatic traffic system. Two major things that take plenty of explaining and are yet never referred to or reference again during the movie. Change it to a hacking in scene, showing us how it works, how people look like Samurai or whatever they want. Establish the rules of this world so it's not so much of a shock, and tie it all in better. As it is, it has nothing to do with the story other than creating a debt for Drake. Something you could have done in a single page. Something that could be back-story even. I'd rather you introduce Emma/Madcat as she almost becomes a dual protagonist. So maybe if you just intercut with her pulling off some hack of sorts.
All the best, I'd love to read future rewrites.
Paul. read -
A review of Divine Intervention V.3by Paul Clarke on 07/22/2012Divine intervention is a very well written story with amazing dialogue, but I feel it lacks a point of view which makes it hard to empathize with a character or characters. First off, I have to say your writing ability is clear. It was an absolute pleasure to read. So crisp and concise. Your ability to sum things up in one colourful sentence is one I greatly envy and leaves... Divine intervention is a very well written story with amazing dialogue, but I feel it lacks a point of view which makes it hard to empathize with a character or characters.
First off, I have to say your writing ability is clear. It was an absolute pleasure to read. So crisp and concise. Your ability to sum things up in one colourful sentence is one I greatly envy and leaves plenty of white space on the page.
What I enjoyed most was the dialogue. I think it's the strongest part of the script. Every character had their own voice, and I could hear them aloud as I read. That's not something I find often. Congratulations. Your visual descriptions were solid, but not on the same lofty level. I definitely heard the dialogue more than I visualized the locations. But they certainly weren't bad.
The structure of the story seems fairly good. But I found the lack of point of view absolutely took me out of the story. It read far more like a novel than a script in that aspect. Something I've noticed is that the best adaptations of novels to the screen usually focus on choosing the main character and rigorously sticking to their story alone. Even if it means cutting side plots that are very interesting. In your case, they aren't side plots as such. It's all one big story, but the events are constantly showing one character or another, with characters going missing for many pages at a time. I think it partly arose from the reading of your synopsis, which clearly makes out Alice as the protagonist. I realize you say it's an ensemble in your notes but after reading that synopsis my mind was already expecting a certain story. If you keep the current format I would strongly recommend changing the synopsis.
Personally, I would love to see the same story told with Simon as the protagonist, Alice the antagonist which isn't evident until near the end (and then only to the audience). There is enough conflict until that point as there is a love triangle, or a love square if you count Alice. I realize this is a major change which would require a complete page one rewrite and as this is your third draft it's unlikely to happen. But maybe it's something to consider when approaching future stories. It would be a shame that such talent be held back by one little factor. I'm interested to read your other work to see if it's a style thing. It just made it feel like I was a bystander watching an interesting story unfold in an interesting location. Which is nice. But to feel like I was a character in the story, and living and breathing in 19th century Canada, would be amazing.
Here are some specific notes I took while reading. Usually there are pages of them. Not so here as you have so few mistakes and I was just blazing through the read.
- P1: Fall (1865) – Should be a ‘super’ otherwise the audience can’t see it.
- P2: The dialogue is brilliant. So distinctive and colourful already. I love it.
- P15: Would the kids be on a first name basis with the doctor? Especially during this time.
- P25: A quarter of a way through, the writing is absolutely amazing. So quick and easy to read it’s an absolute pleasure. But I now find my mind beginning to wander. Wanting to check emails or grab a snack. Not a good sign. I guess something needs to happen soon. Also, the only reason I know Alice is the protagonist of this story is because I read it in the synopsis. She’s had little screen time. Simon and May seem to be the driving characters so far.
- P41: Dialogue is uncharacteristically on the nose on this page. Maybe it suits the period.
- P43: Is Simon’s office inside his home? Maybe make the int. and ext. sluglines for the same place to make it clearer.
- P49: Alice’s first proactive action. Great to see. Unfortunately it’s half way through the story.
- Alice’s proposition for Simon is the most interesting scene so far. I can’t help but think it would work better if Simon was the story’s protag (which he basically has been so far) and this came much earlier as the inciting incident.
- P55: Very deep thoughts from a child. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have Simon explaining this to Donny?
- P68: Seems like a few superfluous scenes sneaking in. On this page the scene in Simon’s house has no purpose. She could have said that in the previous scene.
- P86: I feel the confession from Simon after all this time would seem more natural if it occurred during a moment of anxiety and extreme fear that she might die. Not afterward.
- P99: Donald Sakin – missing ‘s’
I hope you find some useful information here for future rewrites. If you have an queries or want further explanation please do not hesitate to contact me. read -
A review of Exhumeby Paul Clarke on 02/03/2012Well, where to start. I think this script could be used to make a good cheap movie. It would be relatively cheap to make if you know someone who could do the effects. Mainly because it's all at the one location. And I see in your bio you've had your work produced before, so you probably know the right people. However, I think there's potential to make it much better. I would... Well, where to start. I think this script could be used to make a good cheap movie. It would be relatively cheap to make if you know someone who could do the effects. Mainly because it's all at the one location. And I see in your bio you've had your work produced before, so you probably know the right people. However, I think there's potential to make it much better. I would definitely put in some more work before going that far.
I like the concept, but I feel there's just not enough story there. I was thinking you need to add another event and another storyline. Maybe Cade is working toward something in particular. But then it also occurred to me that we really don't get the full story about the mother. Why she really shot herself. What happened. Specific details. Information that could be slowly revealed during the story. Whereas the current version has the interesting all sound scene at the beginning. Then we basically hear nothing about her and her relationship with Cade and Morton until the very end. And even then it's not really explained.
I like the way the squirrel story is incorporated into the main story, but I am totally unclear as to how this is supposed to work when it is a movie. You really need to clear that up as it's a cool little hook.
The characters were good. Cade especially. Except I really had trouble believing he was nine. I realize he's a smart kid, but still. I would prefer if he was eleven and unusually small for his age. Morton was also good, but he could be fleshed out a lot more. I'd love to know why he is the way he is. The supporting cast were okay, only the cheerleader was really memorable. In fact her mildly humorous moments really broke it up well.
I think this type of fantasy movie where the real world rules are broken can be very interesting, but they need to be. Like the audience think, okay I'll allow you to suspend reality, but in return you better make it worthwhile. Really rock their world and do something amazing. And I just don't think it's there yet.
Lastly, structure wise, there's a big issue with the point of view of the storyteller. It switches from Cade to Morton and back again. And this doesn't seem to work. You either need to tell it from just one point of view, or really wind their stories together. Into one smooth story. Otherwise we get invested in what's happening only to be cut out of it and start all over again. Also brings up the issue that there's no real antagonistic force. Maybe if Cade and Morton where directly in each others path, that would be good. Obviously there is the demon, but he only appears very late in the movie.
Anyway, here are some specific notes I took while reading:
- P1: Not sure about the italics to start with. Can be frowned upon. You’re really taking a risk using them on the opening line.
- Also, not recommended to use a specific book unless you have the rights to it. And the narration should be written as dialogue.
- Just noticed no page numbers. A little difficult to navigate. And harder for me to indicate exactly which part of the story I’m referring to.
- P4: The good dialogue is ruined when Jim says “I’ll find Mort.” No need to say it so explicitly. Obviously Jenny knows who they’re talking about, it was her idea. It just sounds unnatural. Cut it out, the rest is good.
- P6: squiints – too many i’s.
- P9: How about I just tell my dad my idiot cousin is a retarded extortionist? – What kind of nine year old is this? I’d be very surprised to ever meet one who talked like that.
- P10: I worked to hard on that car. – should be too.
- P13: Again, the dialogue from the infomercial should be written as dialogue.
- If the house is on a one acre block, why does he keep throwing the dirt against the house?
- P19: Morton approaches the pit he has formed with micro-steps. -– needs to be reworded. Very awkward to read.
-P19: Build up the tension more before the arm moves. Use a new line for each action line. Draw it out, just it like it would play out in the movie. Build the tension, then bam, it moves.
- P20: The hands shakes, “yes.” – should be nods.
- P23: Quite a shift of genre. Gone from spooky thriller to comedy. A little strange.
- P27: MORTON Come on. -- should that be Cheerleader?
- Not sure if you intended it but the Nerd’s dialogue make him sound stupid not smart.
- P62: How is the story shown on the screen? Is it read or written?
- Middle of the story we shift from Morton’s POV to Cade’s. It stops the story that’s going. We have to start all over. If you wish to show two points of view they need to be more intertwined. A bit from one, then the other, back and forth. One continuous story.
- P70: The metaphor and link between the squirrel story and the main story is beginning to show. Still not sure how the book is shown though.
- P70: Its own depth five to six feet. Five to six feet deep. – Repeated.
- P89: Maybe explicitly state end of dream sequence.
So basically what we have here is a very nice and fast read. But it left me wanting more. Hopefully there's something here to help with that. All the best with future rewrites. read -
A review of Searching For Michael Spasicby Paul Clarke on 01/15/2012They say the purpose of Hollywood is to sell emotions. If that is the case then you've done well here. Thanks for the moving experience. I love characters that aren't all clean goody-two shoes types. And in this case, you have not one, but two. Love it. Reminds me a little of a movie I watched recently 'City Island'. Not that similar to yours except the characters are all... They say the purpose of Hollywood is to sell emotions. If that is the case then you've done well here. Thanks for the moving experience.
I love characters that aren't all clean goody-two shoes types. And in this case, you have not one, but two. Love it. Reminds me a little of a movie I watched recently 'City Island'. Not that similar to yours except the characters are all terrible, well that's how it appears, and once we get to know them they turn out to be wonderful people. Just like what you do here.
The biggest problem I found was a serious case of the act 2 blues. The setup is interesting. We meet the wonderful characters. And the last five pages are absolute dynamite. But in between, there's plenty of space to get bored. Lots of repetitive like scenes where not a lot is happening. I would leave the basic structure the same, but add another story line of some sort. Maybe flesh out Ozzy and his goals, or give Michael something else to work at. It only needs to distract the reader while the become friends with the characters, and then bam! Even greater effect with the ending.
Your dialogue could use a thorough going through. Make sure they all have distinctive voices. They do for the most part, particularly Ozzy. But some sections it seems like you were in a rush and just wrote them all the same.
While on the topic of dialogue, there's too much of it. Too often things are over explained in the dialogue. More than they need to be. Give the reader some credit, they'll get it. Try to avoid spelling everything out. And try to show wherever possible. There's a few instances where the dialogue just takes over. I'd like to see more instances where an awkward question is met with no response at all, but clearly signs of annoyance.
And last criticism. I had trouble visualizing a lot of the scenes. I could hear the voices, because that what a lot of the scenes predominantly are. But if you could work on your visual descriptions. Make them colorful, concise and concrete. Makes it more of a movie, and less like a book.
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- First thing to note. That’s the longest synopsis I’ve seen on Triggerstreet. I see you’re a new member, I believe that’s the kind of synopsis you use when selling a script. On this site it’s usually just a sentence or two. A long log line if you wish. Anyway, I didn’t read it all as I thought it might ruin the ending of the script.
- Another thing, people are more likely to review scripts when there is a bio. Doesn’t bother me, but it could effect some. Might be worth the 5 minutes it takes to whack something up. No need for anything personal.
- P2: It’s advised to write in present tense. You write “Michael looks over to his right and sees an OFFICER speeding alongside of him.” Would be better if written “Michael looks to his right. An officer speeds alongside him.”
- The trial is a good chance to discuss Michael’s history without it sounding forced or on the nose. A convenient way to bring up his parents and his cancer. And that helps us understand his behavior so far.
- P10: “GQ of corpses” I’m not familiar with this term.
- P11: I think this would be a wonderful transition shot if you remove Michael’s line. Just have Ozzy ask Where at? And then cut straight to the old people’s home.
- P12: Another nice transition from one nurse with a needle to another.
- P13: I like the way the last couple of pages have been a series of intercut shots. Short and concise. They don’t linger too long. Just the right amount of information and we move along. Keeps it flowing really well. Good work.
- Bottom of page 14 onto 15, Michael is cut off from the rest of the sentence.
- I’m loving Mr McKinney. What a great character. It seems “nicer” when a protagonist gone bad is mentored by someone the same. A chance for them to both be better people.
- P26: cheap bear – should be cheap beer.
- P37: An extra line break after OZZY’s name. Then his last line on the top of the next page, don’t like it. I’d take it out. Instead show him looking disgusted with his coworkers and his job.
- P40: Michael’s first dialogue, he says her instead of him.
- P40: A little too heavy on the dialogue. Surely they are doing something while they talk? I cannot visualize anything.
- P44: The name Michael is used in three consecutive sentences. Feels awkward to read. Just use He after the first one. We know who you’re talking about.
- P45: Another example of a conversation that needs to be broken up with action lines. He doesn’t want beer, then she says one thing, and he’s okay with it. Show him thinking about it, her flirting, him giving in.
- P46: I’d add a little to the bathroom scene. Just hang with it a moment so the audience infers he’s there to cut himself. Give them time to assume this, then switch it up.
- P57: My mind is beginning to wander. Something interesting needs to happen soon.
- P59: Goggled – should be googled.
- P63: First scene at hospital seems like a repeat of an earlier scene. Doesn’t bring anything new to the story so it should be cut.
- P65-66: Hey, Violet – Hey, Michael – Hey, Sarah – Hey, Michael. Doesn’t sound natural. And very repetitive. Change them up a little.
- P68: Michael’s dialogue has “but” twice in a row.
- P75: Nice touch. Very moving.
- P79: I’m supposed to be the one with Alzheimer’s – Hilarious.
- P88: I think the moment would be nicer without the voice over from Michael.
- Brilliant ending. I was hoping you’d have the courage to let him die. And though I thought it would be corny and cheesy, I was emotionally moved. I guess that’s the very point of it all. He dies, yet it is a fulfilling ending. Couldn’t be any other way.
So biggest thing I'd like to see on the next draft is the middle ramped up. Some more direction. Something more happening. I think it would work wonderfully. All the best with any future rewrites. read -
A review of Rehabilitationby Paul Clarke on 01/06/2012Well, thanks for such a fun and quick read. Your script is a real page turner. I loved the long action scenes. I'm so sick of all the dialogue heavy scripts I usually find here on TS. A welcome change. And boy have you got skill with the descriptions. I found myself visualizing what was going on and forgetting all about the words I was reading. Forgetting I was reading at all... Well, thanks for such a fun and quick read. Your script is a real page turner. I loved the long action scenes. I'm so sick of all the dialogue heavy scripts I usually find here on TS. A welcome change. And boy have you got skill with the descriptions. I found myself visualizing what was going on and forgetting all about the words I was reading. Forgetting I was reading at all. Exactly the idea.
I'm not sure what your plans are with this script. I think it makes a wonderful writing example, but I'm not sure how sellable it would be. There's simply so many slasher horror movies made and this one doesn't really have a particular hook to make it stand out. Having said that, horror movies are cheap to make and there are plenty made from worse scripts than this. It was a gruesome horror, mixed with a scooby-doo mystery, and just a hint of One flew over the Cuckoo's nest.
To make it to the next level I think the biggest let down is the middle. The setup is nice, it works, it's interesting. The final showdown, which goes on for around 30-35 pages just flies by, and it brilliant. But in the middle it's a little muddled. We lose focus from the protagonist. My mind wandered a little. I was a little bored, waiting for something to happen. If you could add something intriguing to the mix, and simply add it to what's there. Maybe make it obvious earlier that there isn't a real Billy Ray so we can start wondering who it really is? Maybe just come up with another specific goal for Joel. Something that he fails at, and leads into the wonderful action. The gruesome slayings. All that fun stuff.
I liked your dialogue in that there was very little of it. Basically, all you needed to get by. However, what was there was fairly plain and simple. None of the characters really had their own voices, unlike their visuals, which were wonderfully described. It's only a minor point, and probably not very important in a horror script, but could be worked nonetheless.
I'm thinking you could do a little more with the supporting cast. Make better use of them. All they're really there for is to distract, and as possible candidates for the killer. I found Craig annoying. Probably the goal, just not sure why. It would be really good if you made him, or another character, into a likable empathetic character, or have their interactions with Joel arc them into a likable character, so when they die we care more. We don't want them to die. This would happen if Joel doesn't want them to die. I don't think he really cared about any of them. Except maybe Brooke (lovely irony). If the Craig character tool Joel under his wing and helped him deal with the place, then maybe Joel could help him with his own problem (whatever that may be) and this could be the goal during the second act, along with trying to conquer his demons. But in the end it's all in vain as he's killed. Pushing Joel further, somehow helping him to better remember.
Anyway, here are some notes I made while reading:
- Interesting title. Simple, to the point. I thought ‘Rehab’ could be a bit more catchy, but it’s probably been used a million times.
- Great opening page. Awesome visual descriptions. I can see it in my head without trying. I can go entire scripts without getting that on TS sometimes.
- Opening 8 pages just fly by. So easy to read. So compelling. If anything, could be a fraction shorter maybe. If it really took up the first 8 minutes of the movie it could be a little overwhelming. Just being picky though. What you’ve written is top notch.
- P11: Brilliant descriptions of the doctors. Love it. This script is turning out to be a pleasure to read after the last one I reviewed.
- P20: The first sign of the villain. The attack by the pickup, seen it a million times but you still manage to make it interesting. Wonderfully described. I still feel Mountains fear.
- P21: Bursts like a grape - Brilliant.
- P22: I’d love to get a better description of the masked man’s voice. Is it deep and menacing, or surprisingly normal?
- P35-36: Maybe just mention Joel, wasn’t sure he was there. Just maintains the story POV.
- P37: Billy Ray pulls the trigger - I don’t follow this reference.
- P39: Half way down the page: dan need capitalization.
- P44: I don’t think you need the Memento reference. It’s well enough explained without it. No need to break the fourth wall.
- P47: Okay, so now I find out his name is Buddy Ray. Did I miss that from earlier? or did it slip through a revision?
- Has a real “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” Vibe about the scenes at the facility. Crossed with a Friday the 13th horror. Sounds like an interesting combo, Let’s see how it pans out.
- P58: Doc says head trauma can cause temporary memory loss, then he says if it was from the injury they’d be gone. Kind of contradicts himself. And he’s right the first time. Amnesia from an injury to the brain can sometimes be healed.
- P63: You describe Dr Dan’s thoughts in an unfilmable fashion.
- P67: Why is Dr Dan not doing what he promised?
- It’s funny, but mildly off-putting that Jackson’s wife was called Janet.
- Seems like the middle of the script is wandering. There’s a lot of things going on around Joel, but he’s not really involved in it. He’s just a passenger. Very passive. No goals, little actions. Also, he doesn’t seem to be struggling with the withdrawal of alcohol, or whatever other things he was on.
- The deaths of Jackson and Skye are again brilliantly described action scenes. Great stuff. But again it’s a few pages without Joel being involved. Maybe give him something else to to. Have it cut back and forth between him and the killings. Maybe make it obvious he wants to go apologize to Skye. Maybe have him talk to Craig who’s unconscious, so he’s really just talking to himself, and we here him sway back and forward between wanting to go and not. Adds more tension, that he might walk in on the act.
- P81: Is it his brother? I love the mystery, but half of the suspects just died.
- P83: Is it Brooke? That would be a nice twist. Female killer and she’s strong and skilled enough.
- P97: at the bottom: from of a man - should be form of a man.
- P99: Nailed it.
- He learned his lesson. Nice. Maybe another scene foreshadowing further threat from Brooke? Her plotting a plan in jail or something. I guess that’s kind of clichéd.
So from around the point where Randy is talking to Dr Dan, I wandered off a little. Don't think a scene like that need to be so long. Just mention he's going looking for Billy Ray and leave it at that. Get back to Joel, stay focused on Joel.
You have no gimmick, no hook, and I think leave it that way. Focus on a truly moving script and it will be better anyway. They always talk about characters arcing (not so much in horror scripts) and while Joel has an arc of realization, it would be really nice if there was more. It doesn't have to be Joel that arcs. Have him help his sidekick/mentor character to be a better person, to overcome a hurdle. It makes us like Joel more and makes it more moving when it's all for nothing and the person dies. Just a suggestion anyway.
Good luck with any future rewrites, I'd love to read them.
Paul. read -
A review of Against the Windby Paul Clarke on 11/21/2011Well, I was assigned this script, but I must have taken too long or accidentally removed it. No point in wasting the effort. He's a free will review for you. While neither the genre or synopsis really attracted me, the concise and well presented style with which you write convinced me to give this one a go. And what a lovely read it was. So simple, easy to visualize. Not a... Well, I was assigned this script, but I must have taken too long or accidentally removed it. No point in wasting the effort. He's a free will review for you.
While neither the genre or synopsis really attracted me, the concise and well presented style with which you write convinced me to give this one a go. And what a lovely read it was. So simple, easy to visualize. Not a chore to read at all.
I liked the descriptions, I liked the characters, I liked the romance. But I think it really needs another story line. Just something else going on. Doesn't have to be over-bearing on the romance, just enough to distract us and allow the romance to simply happen. The romance part of a story is usually referred to as the 'B' story, for a reason. It feels more natural for it to happen while we're not really paying attention. It's almost always present in any genre. But I find it difficult to think of a classic, great movie, that was entirely romance and not a thriller/comedy/adventure/something else - along with a romance story. As to what story would work best, that's entirely up to you. Maybe Lefteris is struggling to pay for the boat, or his ex is stalking him. I'm not sure, but I really think there's potential there for something great.
I liked your balance between dialogue and action. A lot goes on, particularly between Jez and Lefteris, that is not spoken. Very nice.
The supporting characters are interesting, bordering on stereotypes, but by the end I think we know them well enough not to care.
I was thinking towards the end, it would be nice to tie it back in to the beginning. And that's what you did, with him meeting his Greek friends again. Very nice. I though the chase at the end was a little different. It was good, but it wasn't the same style as the rest of the movie. I personally loved it, and would rather see more scenes with this kind of edge of the seat action. I liked you characters, put them in a little bit of peril now and then.
I would have liked it if you could have shown a couple more examples of how hard it would be for a proud Greek man to admit his sexuality. Rather than just having it discussed. Maybe hints of it during some of the visits to the tavernas?
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- First thing to note is the alignment is off. I used to have this problem when I was using Final Draft 7. It drove me nuts. Can’t remember how I fixed it. Doesn’t bother me, but maybe if you were submitting it to a serious producer or someone they may think you’re an amateur if you can’t get the basics right.
- P2: Dialogue could be a little more natural. Sounds stiff and uncomfortable.
- While the motely crew on the boat seem mostly stereotypical, you do paint a clear visual picture for each. I like it. I only hope there are twists to their character. Something unexpected from their stereotype.
- P16: Maybe have his discomfort from the man on man contact a little more subtle. Subtle for the character at least, doesn’t mean it’s not obvious to the audience. Maybe he just rubs his hand, looks at Jez when he’s not looking.
- P16: Don’t tell us the name of the island in the action line, the audience can’t see that unless there’s a super. And it’s repeated in the dialogue. Instead, give us a colorful visual description of its beauty.
- P23: Scarcely-clad should be scantily-clad.
- Update: Your writing is effortless to read. So nicely done; clean, concise and crisp. But I feel it would be nicer if there was something else going on. Another level. Have the intrigue between Lefteris and Jez, but have the audience distracted by something else going on. Another sub-plot from the other characters maybe? Or just that Lefteris is desperate for money. The bank are threatening to take his boat or something. If the romantic story is the only one, then it feels forced, un-natural.
- P27: Some real action. Nice.
- P29: Great action lines. I can feel the tension.
- P35-36: You tell us it’s busy with people, mopeds and music twice in two pages.
- P44: I’d rather you described the difficulty and comic moments.
- P68: Finna has a . before her name
- P76: Barbara’s speech is lovely, except the audience already knows what they’ve done. So it will bore them. No need to recap what they’ve already seen. Find something else to talk about. Something personal we couldn’t see on screen.
- P80: Lefteris turns and smiles; should be Jez.
- Great ending. Almost too much action. Quite unlike the calm serene speed of the rest of the film. Wraps it up nicely. Just tells us enough, and no more.
So thanks for the enjoyable read. Keep it up. read -
A review of A Tru Fairytaleby Paul Clarke on 10/19/2011Well, this certainly is one of the more uniquely written scripts I've read here at Triggerstreet. It was a lot of fun to read. Thanks for that. You have a very distinctive style. With all the extra "Shane Blackisms" and camera directions, it's quite a fun read. However, I'm sure there are some which would tell you that's not the correct technique. But hey, if you've done well... Well, this certainly is one of the more uniquely written scripts I've read here at Triggerstreet. It was a lot of fun to read. Thanks for that.
You have a very distinctive style. With all the extra "Shane Blackisms" and camera directions, it's quite a fun read. However, I'm sure there are some which would tell you that's not the correct technique. But hey, if you've done well in contests with it like that, then why not. I would rather see all the cut to and dissolves removed. I find myself not really taking much notice of them. They don't really affect the story. More of a distraction. Anyway, that would save you some space, it looks like your margins top and bottom are a little smaller than normal, so maybe it would even that out.
Otherwise, the main change I would like to see, in terms of the writing itself (not the content) would be to spread the action through the dialogue. The way you write it, we get a very squashed big chunk of action description, then long passages of dialogue. The dialogue itself is great, don't get me wrong. It just looks better and is more pleasant to read if the action lines are sprinkled throughout. Describe how the characters react to the dialogue.
I loved your characters (especially Bob), very well done. You could possibly try to reduce the number of them? Might be a little complex given it's a family movie. I think you could rearrange the start and remove the two bumpkins who find the frogs, maybe change that to Oscar's scene. Or consider giving Oscar less screen time. His story, mostly takes place away from Tru, and so drags us away from our main story and POV. If you wish to leave his extra scenes in, maybe try to link them in to the main story. Tru doesn't have to be so involved, maybe just watching.
The one character that seems to be missing is an antagonist. Even fairytales have wicked witches and wolves and others. You have these, but they're not against Tru. Not stopping her, not in her way. I think it would add to the drama if there was a character, actually trying to stop Tru reaching her goals. Someone for the audience to focus their attention on.
I really like your theme(s). Firstly, that the princess should have her own adventure and not just sit around and wait for prince charming. Great stuff. Would make selling easier I think. It's important kids these days get modern versions of fairy tales. And also, that you make your own destiny. Good stuff.
In terms of structure, I think it worked well. You did very well getting all those fairy tales into the one story, and almost always with a wonderful twist. I really didn't see most of them coming. However, I think after about page 85, the story sort of wander aimlessly. It just doesn't pack the punch that we deserve after the rest of the story. Maybe it's because Cecil is in trouble and not Tru? I'm not sure. I can't think how it could be done better, but there will be a way. Scriptwriting is mostly problem solving. If you focus your attention on that section, I think it would have the best results. Maybe it's because Jack isn't much of an antagonist, his motives are a little weak.
Anyway, thanks again for the entertaining story. Here are some notes I made while reading:
- Opening shots, maybe need separate scene headings? Are Polly and her parents outside?
- P1: According to your parentheticals, the narrator throws a coin in the well? Okay, I’m being picky.
- P3: Nice twist. Great style.
- P4: Nice dialogue, very Forest Gump like.
- Not sure if you need all the fade to, cut to, and continued’s. They are a little distracting. Looks more like a shooting script.
- Ahh, Oscar has a secret. Most interesting part so far. Breaks away from the otherwise very ‘seen before’ story. Keeps the audience guessing.
- Okay, so the mystery is answered fairly quickly. But it’s nice. Reverse a fairy-tale. Different point of view.
- P34: Seems like lots of characters. Mostly in the interest of gags and not the story. Did we need to two at the beginning, who save the princess? Could it not have been Oscar? Lots of dialogue, very amusing, but just a little hollow at this stage. Characters seem to be there for the purpose of the jokes, not the other way around. Still early days, we’ll see where it all goes.
- P38: Brilliant link-in of yet another fairy tale with a twist. Love it.
- P41: “Wheel barrel” should be Wheelbarrow?
- P41: Last action line is missing the full-stop.
- P43: How do we know she’s the identical twin sister of the other witch? Maybe the narrator could mention it?
- P65: Bridges for bathrooms, brilliant.
- Didn’t like the Bob Charming character at first, but a great twist of events and now he’s brilliant.
- P75: Lovely intertwining of the two stories. Climaxing at the same time.
- P85: It would look cleaner and easier to read if the montage was separated with each new shot on a new line. More white space.
- P86: The story was really fizzing along, last couple of pages have been off. It kind of loses momentum.
I would love to read a revised edition some day, and hopefully there's something here to help with future rewrites. And good luck trying to break in to the business from long distance. I know how that feels.
read
Comments About Paul Clarke 55
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stephjones on 02/18/2013
Hey Paul,
Thank you for such a great review on Chickin Lickin. It's a first draft and was the hardest frigging screenplay for me to write. Your review will help me get it on the right track. It's a struggle to find the line between having Emily be a wimp who needs to stand up for herself, yet stay likeable. Even I want to kick her ass :)
thanks again!
all the best,
steph -
Savene on 12/28/2012
The pleasure was all mine. I'm excited to read your next draft. If you need help, I'd be more than willing to work with you. No writer's credit necessary. -
kiyotoe on 12/13/2012
Paul,
Thanks for the notes on Harbor Road. Your feedback was some of the best that I've received. I'll be sure to keep your review close by during rewrites.
Cp -
ischneid87 on 10/20/2012
No need to apologize Paul. Knowing it's a first draft makes me even more impressed. Good job! -
joe12south on 09/09/2012
Paul,
Thanks for the thoughtful notes on "SIDES." You gave me a few good ideas on punching-up empathy for the characters, which was high on my list of improvements to make. SIDES is the first of a trilogy, if you'd like to read the next two installments, let me know and I'll forward them your way. I'm adding "The Blood Recruit" to my list. -
DebraSwan on 07/22/2012
Hi Paul,
Thanks for your comments and suggestions for Divine Intervention - very helpful.
Cheers,
Debra -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/27/2012
Just a quick note to say thanks for your detailed review. This'll probably sound defensive: most of your comments indicated you didn't "get" a lot of what was going on. Eg: character action - Jason leaving Lauren/changing his mind; revealing his feelings to Myers.
Having said that, you gave me a 100% honest and it's appreciated. Gotta take the good with the bad! :D -
happywash on 05/28/2012
Thank you vere much for your great, detailed review of Broken. You've given me a lot to think about. -
HGLyman on 04/01/2012
Thank you again for the read as well. I'm here working on my script and all the elements I wrote to you about are fresh in my mind. Helps me think critically and see my own work in another light and that is just gold when trying to edit. -
Mr. Cinema on 02/09/2012
Hey, thanks for your review of Hero Within. I agree with most of what you say but except for the title. I am open to other names for the script though. What would you name it?
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Comments About Paul Clarke 55
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Hey Paul,
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The pleasure was all mine. I'm excited to read your next draft. If you need help, I'd be more than willing to work with you. No writer's credit necessary.
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Paul,
+ more commentsstephjones on 02/18/2013
Thank you for such a great review on Chickin Lickin. It's a first draft and was the hardest frigging screenplay for me to write. Your review will help me get it on the right track. It's a struggle to find the line between having Emily be a wimp who needs to stand up for herself, yet stay likeable. Even I want to kick her ass :)
thanks again!
all the best,
steph
Savene on 12/28/2012
kiyotoe on 12/13/2012
Thanks for the notes on Harbor Road. Your feedback was some of the best that I've received. I'll be sure to keep your review close by during rewrites.
Cp