paulg83

Maine + Braveheart + amazingly talented multilingual people = acadia

A review of Acadia

by paulg83 on 01/10/2007

Amazing job. Very impressed with the intricacy of this storyline. It was as if I was watching a Maine version of Braveheart... and I learned a ton. I can tell which side you took, which is important. you stuck with it, and for that it made the experience a more enjoyable one. I liked how all ends were tied. How one thing mentioned turned into one thing crucial in the... read

"Malena" in Vermont

A review of The Professor's Widow (Rev. f.2)

by paulg83 on 01/09/2007

I have to say this was a joy to read. I was constantly reminded of the same joys of watching the italian classic "Malena", where the beautiful Monica Bellucci wins the hearts of children and men all around. So it was pretty easy for me to see this exotic Spanish women having the same effects on 14 year old boys, sleepy frat guys, and college professors alike. The story itself... I have to say this was a joy to read. I was constantly reminded of the same joys of watching the italian classic "Malena", where the beautiful Monica Bellucci wins the hearts of children and men all around. So it was pretty easy for me to see this exotic Spanish women having the same effects on 14 year old boys, sleepy frat guys, and college professors alike.

The story itself was a good premise, it was entertaining. It makes people feel good when they read it. Through Victor's eyes, we notice just how captivating Isabel is. We hang on her actions... and we wait to see who ends up getting her.

I'm sure you're pretty jaded by all the compliments you normally receive from the other viewers (such as skilled writing) I thought I'd try to give some constructive criticism.

- Sarah. I would love to see her character developed. She's trampled on. No one really cares for her. She wants stability for her family, but I didn't care as much for her as I did others.

- It was continually distracting how Barry was talking to Victor as if Victor was of equal age and experience. Victor is a smart, bright, and mature kid - but he's not so mature that he won't miss a chance to masturbate to a beautiful woman from a window sill.

- In general, Victor's maturity fluctuates throughout the movie. The first scene makes him seem like a seasoned private eye and protector of woman, with always the right words. Then in the middle, he seems more vulnerable, like a kid - doing Macauley Culkin like stunts to ward off intrusive men - back to him being a grown man crusader, running off to New York to help Barry out.

- I would normally think Victor causing the death of an old man would be more psychologically scarring for the poor kid. It seems his lust/drive-to-protect-Isabel shadows any remorse a normal, still impressionable 14 year old would probably feel.

- I thought some of the scenes could be extended - they ended up pretty abrupt on many cases - as one ended, another starts mid-conversation. Extending some of the scenes could develop some characters even more.

- I laughed at the irony that Prof. Moretti was the chair of a hearing to conspire to banish a foreigner widow, when his own wife was an Italian woman who didn't even know how to speak English.

thats it - but I'm sure the praise you've received is well received and well deserved. Amazing talent you have, and I look forward to reading what else you've done. read

Doublewide Reviewed

A review of DoubleWide

by paulg83 on 01/09/2007

I have to say the first thing that struck me upon completion of Doublewide was the structure. It was very well done, with first, second, and third acts all laid out accordingly and everything wrapped up very nicely at the end. Although it wasn't the best screenplay I've read, I might even go as far as to say it did have the best structure I have read to date. If some other... I have to say the first thing that struck me upon completion of Doublewide was the structure. It was very well done, with first, second, and third acts all laid out accordingly and everything wrapped up very nicely at the end. Although it wasn't the best screenplay I've read, I might even go as far as to say it did have the best structure I have read to date. If some other writers got down the structure that this writer has, there would be a lot better screenplays out there.

It's hard to write a comedy. It's hard to be consistently funny for 113 pages. I did find myself chuckling here and there. I felt like the part of Kurki was written with Will Ferrel in mind... maybe that was just me. Anyway, it would be nothing new for him. Doublewide is a pretty standard stoner comedy. There were a lot of cheesy jokes that didn't go over well, but that's called for in this type of comedy. It's not high society. The gross-out humor with the mom and the dirty diapers might be a bit too much. I was too disgusted to laugh sometimes. Maybe that's what the writer was going for!

Floyd can be replaced with any token stoner character from any movie. In that, it wasn't very original. The most original character was Easy Baco, with his diapers. However, the problem is, I couldn't tell if he was the protagonist or antagonist. At first we have sympathy for Kurki when he gets kicked off the force... it seems we'd be rooting for him. But then towards the end of the film it seems like he is the antagonist and Easy is the protagonist. I never knew who to root for. In the end I felt kinda bad for Kurki being set up and going to jail. In that sense, it wasn't a very satisfying ending. This took away from the plot in general. The rivalry between Easy and Kurki wasn't explicit enough. If the conflict between these two characters it the main concept of the movie (the failed cop vs. the quirky drug dealer) then it has to be played up more. There are very few scenes between Kurki and Easy themselves.

I think it would help to take a little focus off of Floyd and put more accents on the two opposing forces... Kurki and Easy. And make one decisively the bad guy. If you want it to be a victory story for Easy, maybe you should start the movie with his character instead of Kurki.

One minor problem I had was that there was too much unneccessary "..." in the dialogue. There was way too much "...". One period is enough. Sometimes the "..." ended every sentence in a string of setences in one person's dialogue. Gotta get away from that.

Overall, a fairly enjoyable comedy that can be tweaked a little, character-wise. Strong pacing and structure. Oh, and the action lines were concise and well-written. No long-winded paragraphs. Very well done! A lot of it was cheesy, but hey, that's the type of comedy you're making here. Good work, I'd like to see future revisions. read

Burnout Reviewed

A review of Burnout

by paulg83 on 01/08/2007

Burnout has a great premise... a college ethics professor as a drug smuggler. The bullet in the brain is a great idea and the hallucinations are great visually and really fun. Dialogue is quick and pacing is perfect. The character of Frank is really interesting and fleshed out. The other characters aren't as well fleshed out, but they don't always need to be. The strength... Burnout has a great premise... a college ethics professor as a drug smuggler. The bullet in the brain is a great idea and the hallucinations are great visually and really fun. Dialogue is quick and pacing is perfect. The character of Frank is really interesting and fleshed out. The other characters aren't as well fleshed out, but they don't always need to be.

The strength of the writer is definitely his visual ability. I love the hallucinations throughout the screenplay. The settings are also very impressive visually... Dracula's castle, the paintball place, etc...

Some problems I had: the ending was disapointing. The wife and the best man seemed very loyal to Frank the entire time... it would have made more sense if there had been some hint of an affair earlier in the screenplay. The final scene just seems nonsensical, like part of a different screenplay. There has to be some better fitting end for Frank, who is a great character.

Also, the entire Marcus sub-plot seemed odd and forced, out of its element, and unnecessary. The premise of a college professor drug smuggling is great, but we don't get to see Frank doing much as a professor. I think the two worlds of a college campus and faculty and the world of drug smuggling should intertwine more to show more of an absurdity of the contrasts in Frank's character.

The gratuitous "should pot be legalized" conversation seemed out of place and pointless. It seemed a little preachy. Burnout did not come across as so much of a stoner movie that this scene would get cheers in the audience... Doesn't need to be there.

Just some technical problems... sometimes there are entire blank pages in the screenplay. Also, the action lines are a little winded and sometimes too descriptive. Finally, there are numerous occasions where it seems that dialogue had originally been split between the end of one page and leading on the next, but have since been changed, where in the middle of the dialogue it says "Frank continued" in parenthesis. Those should be fixed.

Besides the aforementioned, and especially the weak ending, I enjoyed the screenplay. I don't feel like it is up to its full potential with the contrast in Frank's character. It's good... but it could be great. Keep working on it, I'd be interestesd in reading some further drafts! read

Tainanmen Reviewed

A review of TIANANMEN (revised)

by paulg83 on 01/06/2007

This is one of the better screenplays I have read on Trigger Street. It's voice is original, pacing is very consistent, and dialogue is quick and snappy. I am impressed with how well the writer did the research necessary to write a movie called Tiananmen. There are a lot of people in the world who would have called foul if the writer did not know what he was talking about... This is one of the better screenplays I have read on Trigger Street. It's voice is original, pacing is very consistent, and dialogue is quick and snappy.

I am impressed with how well the writer did the research necessary to write a movie called Tiananmen. There are a lot of people in the world who would have called foul if the writer did not know what he was talking about. The research added to the realism of it and let me invest myself in the story that much more.

The characters, for the most part, were compelling, primarily the main character Wu'er. I really liked the image of Clint Eastwood characters following him around and it turning out to be his father. It was original, and the juxtaposition of this movie character in the middle of such an event in recent Chinese history was amusing and endearing. Chai's character was also very interesting to follow as she is slowly corrupted by her own need for attention. I enjoyed her talks with her ghost, Mao, as well.

There were a few things that didn't work for me. Some characters such as Jiang and Yu were cardboard... not much distinguishing them from others. There was an inconsistency in Feng's character. He is willing to defy his government and stay with Wu'er almost until death in the end, but he will not stand up to his father and stay when the students need him? That doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps there was a change in his character at some point but that wasn't nearly explicit enough. It just seemed like Feng before he leaves and Feng after he comes back are two different characters. What happened when he was home? Those might be some interesting scenes.

The ending, while touching, seemed abrupt. We are in the middle of this epic revolt, and suddenly we're talking about dragons and in suburban America. The scene is consistent with the imagery of the rest of the screenplay, and the ultimate line of dialog is particularly powerful, but I think there needs to be some other things wrapped up before this. Wu'er's story just doesn't seem complete. What happens to him? Maybe I missed something.

All in all, the screenplay's strengths were the imagery and its pacing. It really kept things moving and compelling. It was hard for me to take a break at times. The flow was so strong, I just got caught up in it and couldn't find a good place to leave off and stop reading. Well done! I'd like to read something else by this writer! read

Review of Hell Dorado

A review of HellDorado

by paulg83 on 07/07/2006

First off, let it be said that I am partial to the whole adventure genre if it is done well. I love Star Wars (the originals, at least, like I said, they have to be done WELL), and Lord of the Rings. Without a doubt, the author has a genuine imagination. There was some very original stuff I saw in here that I would never have been able to think of (unless I still had the imagination... First off, let it be said that I am partial to the whole adventure genre if it is done well. I love Star Wars (the originals, at least, like I said, they have to be done WELL), and Lord of the Rings.
Without a doubt, the author has a genuine imagination. There was some very original stuff I saw in here that I would never have been able to think of (unless I still had the imagination of, say, an 8 year old, ha). I have to give credit where it is due, the story was fun and moved along at a very good pace. From the very beginning, you felt like it was building up to something and each little predicament the characters got into was a tick mark closer to the climax, and you felt it. Most of the dialog was good, and on at least three moments I actually chuckled audibly.
On the other hand, there are a lot of parallels between adventure stories already told, most notably Star Wars. It goes like this: "Young, naiive main character gets propelled into something larger than himself against his will, is taken under the wing of a wise, old sage, picks up a cast of oddball characters on his way, and finds out his future is deeply linked with the past." Quite frankly, David = Luke Skywalker, Marlowe = Obi-Wan, Dante = Han Solo, Ferguson = Chewbacca (more or less as Dante's unimportant sidekick), Dominic/Isaiah = Darth Vader.
When David rushes home after the Reaper almost gets them to find his Aunt Ruth possessed, it is just like Luke rushing home after seeing the Sandcrawler destroyed to find his Aunt and Uncle dead.
Most blatantly ripped from Star Wars is the character of Dante. I couldn't picture anybody but Harrison Ford playing this role, with the "Sweethearts", and the quips, and the guy out for himself and then making a change of heart. Also, compare the next two paragraphs:
1.) OBI-WAN and LUKE meet HAN and CHEWIE in a bar and pay him to take them to ALDERAAN. HAN is against this until he finds out from GREEDO that he is wanted by JABBA. HAN has an altercation with GREEDO and speeds off to take the main characters to ALDERAAN after all.
2.) MARLOWE and DAVID meet DANTE and FERGUSON in a bar and pay him to take them to HELL DORADO. DANTE is against this until he finds out from MOTH MAN that he is wanted by DEAD-MEAT. DANTE has an altercation with MOTH MAN and speeds off to take the main characters to HELL DORADO after all.
And also, with David constantly poking and prodding Marlowe about his father and Marlowe answering basically in riddles, two twins being split up at birth... It's all very familiar.
I know the writer said that this was intended to be tongue in cheek and comment on the adventure genre, but it didn't come off that way as much as it seemed a rip off. Albeit, a GOOD rip off, a FUN rip off, but still a rip off in the end.
Also I'm not sure how the commentary on religion worked. I think it could be done worse, but it also could be done better. It is all put on a platter for the viewer with Marlowe's speech before he dies... which was good, but I think it can be hinted at in other ways throughout the script instead of this one part.
Anyway, I did enjoy reading it. Overall, at times very original, quirky, and funny, but sticks to an old formula. read

Review of Likeness Rights

A review of Likeness Rights

by paulg83 on 03/16/2006

In the synopsis it's pointed out that the switching twins idea has been done. Given this, it's hard to see much originality in anything that's been written here, plotwise. Character wise, the contrasting twins, or just sisters in general, foiling one another has been done to death. And the fact that it all climaxes at a high school dance - why does every movie taking place... read

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