Comments About PeacefullySubjected 68

• 
  Quote

  VictorFiction on 07/08/2009

  Hey thanks for your review. From what you wrote I can tell that the piece is connecting on some level. The karma part was actually on purpose (hence, karma sutran instead of kama sutra) to show the ignorance of the officer and to introduce the idea of karma into Paul's thinking. The omniscience on behalf of Paul comes from my belief that Bea is a character in his story and that he should be allowed to be all knowing. Maybe it works and maybe it doesn't, but since it happens a couple times I feel like it reads 'on purpose'.
  
  Probably not a great sign that I had to explain those, but all of your other suggestions are definitely going to fit into the next draft. You are a fantastic and fair reviewer.
  
  Thanks for reading
• 
  Quote

  jkendell on 07/07/2009

  Hi peacefully subjected
  
  thanks very much for your recent criticism of Afterlife inc. your feedback is very helpful and given me plenty to think about. Several of your comments such as requiring further detail about the functionality of hte afterlife system are things that I have written, but cut as I was afriad I was getting caught up in the concept at the expense of the story. I shall have another look at it.
  
  I would also be interested in your opinion of what for me is the underlying premise of the story. The reason we don't know much detail about what actually happens when you die and get transfered into the afterlife system (eg can people access the system and talk to their relatives?) is because I want to keep it deliberately ambiguous. We are never provided with any evidence that an afterlife system exists other than the building itself. The computers are disappointingly small and when Mike asks for further info he is cut off. Basically people belief in the afterlife system as a matter of faith, but they have this faith and adjust their behavour accordingly because the system is based on technology not 'spirituality'. The story is kind of a metaphor for how technology has replaced spirituality.
  
  I realise this sounds unbelieveably pretentious, which I guess is the problem. Nonetheless I do think its an interesting idea. I guess my issue is how can I bring this theme into greater focus without 'giving the game away'?
  
  thanks agian
  
  Jkendell
• 
  Quote

  awohnout on 07/01/2009

  Hey, thanks for the review of "Darling, You Send Me." You made some fantastic suggestions that I will definitely put to use during my revisions. The mention of the spouse's name is a brilliant idea. Also, thanks a lot for the punctuation catch. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again.

Write a Comment

Comments About PeacefullySubjected 68

• 
  Quote

  VictorFiction on 07/08/2009

  Hey thanks for your review. From what you wrote I can tell that the piece is connecting on some level. The karma part was actually on purpose (hence, karma sutran instead of kama sutra) to show the ignorance of the officer and to introduce the idea of karma into Paul's thinking. The omniscience on behalf of Paul comes from my belief that Bea is a character in his story and that he should be allowed to be all knowing. Maybe it works and maybe it doesn't, but since it happens a couple times I feel like it reads 'on purpose'.
  
  Probably not a great sign that I had to explain those, but all of your other suggestions are definitely going to fit into the next draft. You are a fantastic and fair reviewer.
  
  Thanks for reading
• 
  Quote

  jkendell on 07/07/2009

  Hi peacefully subjected
  
  thanks very much for your recent criticism of Afterlife inc. your feedback is very helpful and given me plenty to think about. Several of your comments such as requiring further detail about the functionality of hte afterlife system are things that I have written, but cut as I was afriad I was getting caught up in the concept at the expense of the story. I shall have another look at it.
  
  I would also be interested in your opinion of what for me is the underlying premise of the story. The reason we don't know much detail about what actually happens when you die and get transfered into the afterlife system (eg can people access the system and talk to their relatives?) is because I want to keep it deliberately ambiguous. We are never provided with any evidence that an afterlife system exists other than the building itself. The computers are disappointingly small and when Mike asks for further info he is cut off. Basically people belief in the afterlife system as a matter of faith, but they have this faith and adjust their behavour accordingly because the system is based on technology not 'spirituality'. The story is kind of a metaphor for how technology has replaced spirituality.
  
  I realise this sounds unbelieveably pretentious, which I guess is the problem. Nonetheless I do think its an interesting idea. I guess my issue is how can I bring this theme into greater focus without 'giving the game away'?
  
  thanks agian
  
  Jkendell
• 
  Quote

  awohnout on 07/01/2009

  Hey, thanks for the review of "Darling, You Send Me." You made some fantastic suggestions that I will definitely put to use during my revisions. The mention of the spouse's name is a brilliant idea. Also, thanks a lot for the punctuation catch. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again.
• 
  Quote

  DebraSwan on 06/26/2009

  Thanks for the recommendation - I am starting to think that I might try it as a screenplay. To expand the areas that need expanding it would no longer fit into the short story category....at least that is my thinking at this particular moment.....wait....ah, yes that is my perspective at this particular moment still - at least until I finish the glass of merlot..... ;0
• 
  Quote

  DebraSwan on 06/26/2009

  Thanks for the review of Adventures in Attawapiskat. Your feedback is very helpful. I do want to do something more with this piece, and have struggled to keep my objectivity since it was such a personal experience. Having others critique it has helped me gain the perspective to move it forward, albeit I'm still not sure what form it will take - fiction or non.
  
  Cheers,
  Debra
• 
  Quote

  Leemanchee on 06/18/2009

  Hi, thanks for reviewing 'Daydreamer'.
  
  It's good to get feedback from someone who read the first. I appreciate your comments. It's based lightly based on my childhood, so ages are consistent with my own experience.
  
  Glad you still liked it, this was my first re-write, so I was unsure what to take out, what to keep in etc.
  
  Thanks again.
• 
  Quote

  Leemanchee on 06/12/2009

  Hello again, thanks for the great review of 'Absolutely Flab-u-loss'.
  
  Stone is how we, here in the UK weigh ourselves. There's 14lbs to a stone.
  
  Thanks again.
  
• 
  Quote

  justintagg on 06/10/2009

  Hi,
  
  What you said comes across to a point but I think they key is that we all know an 'Olivia'. I have known several in my life, flitting from here to there, experiencing life as an adventure and perhaps keeping us all on the outside for a good reason whilst we mistake this aloofness for strength (I suppose sometimes that's exactly what it is) and fill in the gaps they leave with impossible expectations which are, usually, extremely desirable.
  
  I think, however, that these are things you cannot just say. Somewhere in the story Olivia will benefit from more subtle observation of her behavior and perhaps the fundamental differences between her and your narrator. I have had moments when things clicked and I spotted my 'Olivia' for who she was. Sometimes this makes them even more sad and beautiful but it is like the curtain being pulled back during the Wizard of Oz and us seeing what really lies behind.
  
  To do this in such a short piece is difficult but if you can consider the values you need to reveal about Olivia, the differences, the information a reader needs to understand this point you can have fun with thinking of 10, 20 different ways, good or bad, this information COULD be revealed in a more visual way (i.e. through action and conflict rather than explanation, what type of scenario puts her under enough pressure to reveal her true nature). Give yourself some flexibility. This proces alone may help you understand your story better.
  
  In this way we drink her in a little more, the components of her character strike chords with the 'Olivia' we have met in our past and all our connected associations.
  
  Finally, you should consider what your anonymous narrator wants and needs. For example, your narrator may think he/she needs one thing which Olivia will provide, but upon seeing Olivia for who she is perhaps he/she realises that they already have all they need. (just an example). The way you reveal and the reason you reveal who Olivia really is may be structured around the arc of your narrator and may reveal a controlling idea/metaphor/moral which typifies the whole tale and in turn makes it even more powerful for a reader.
  
  Hope this answers your question? I'm glad you are working on this more and would be very keen to read a further draft as it is a story which has universal themes at it's core (some waiting to be dug out of the earth a little) but it clearly also matters to you and a writer with a point of view is great for a reader!
  
  One more point, I am keen to see how you have masked the gender of your narrator and also if you think that the reader may still lean one way or the other (i.e. give the narrator a gender) to help them understand the narrative? Test it out! Either way it would be interesting to know how people read it!
  
  J
  
• 
  Quote

  Leemanchee on 06/04/2009

  Thanks for reviewing 'A Night in Hell'.
  
  I do have a book, its helped a lot. This short was more a concept than an actual story. Probably a chapter in something that could be much larger.
  
  We shall see, thanks for the positive feedback.
• 
  Quote

  cc chayce on 06/03/2009

  Hey, thanks a lot for your reviews of two of my stories. I appreciate the feedback. I've since taken the prison story down, since the revised version was getting worse reviews than the original (!) I think from now on I'll leave well enough alone! But I'm glad you liked El Camino. That one's pretty personal for me so it's gratifying when people tell me it evoked strong feelings in them. Thanks again. Cheers -
  
  Cal

Write a Comment