phillbarron

A review of Road Kill

by phillbarron on 05/08/2006

Stylistically, this is a very well written script. There's nothing in the way this is written that snaps me out of the read, it just flows superbly from beginning to end. The story too, is a great premise; the logical steps Martin takes from mild mannered to murderer are smooth and mostly believable. Mostly. The one thing I don't really get is the vulture; what was the vulture... Stylistically, this is a very well written script. There's nothing in the way this is written that snaps me out of the read, it just flows superbly from beginning to end. The story too, is a great premise; the logical steps Martin takes from mild mannered to murderer are smooth and mostly believable.

Mostly. The one thing I don't really get is the vulture; what was the vulture doing? Why did it suddenly decide to haunt Martin? Was it purely because of the initial squirrel road kill? I'm not quite sure how intelligent vultures are, but it seems a hell of a leap for a bird to make; but then again, if that's the way vultures behave in your script, that's the way they behave. It might be nice to see Martin trying to find out more about vultures though. Maybe something native American about spirit guides?

Reading this script I was reminded of American Psycho, the guy spiralling into descent in a pretty obvious way; but no one around him really notices. I like this, I like Martin's character and the insignificance of his life to the rest of his world.

I think you could do with tweaking the pacing a little though; it seems like nothing happens for a long time, then it all happens at once. It might be better to have Donna's death happen earlier; I generally feel that if it's in your synopsis it should be in the first third of the movie: but that's just my personal preference, because I found myself waiting to get past the bits I already knew were going to happen to find out how he was going to deal with it.

If Donna's death happens earlier, then the cops could be given a bigger role with Martin still being blatantly obvious, but seeming even more insignificant as they fail to find him.

On a character note, the only thing which struck me as odd was Ben not telling the cops his suspicions about Martin when they specifically asked him. His actions reminded me of a schoolboy: 'don't tell on each other' mentallity rather than a grief stricken boyfriend.

All in all, this is well written but needs the plot points moving around a bit. Shorten the first act, give us more of the meat of the second act. I love the end by the way, a fitting tribute to Martin's lifestyle; although I was expecting the vulture to finally claim the prize he's been stalking. read

Slick, but a bit thin.

A review of Why We Fight (TS Revision)

by phillbarron on 04/18/2006

You have a very fluid writing style, which allows for an easy read. Your action lines are snappy and contain exactly the right amount of information, I didn't feel like I was missing anything or you were over explaining stuff. I did think the set-up could much more succinct; by page 33 there was still no sign of any difficulties on the horizon. To be honest, I felt like the... You have a very fluid writing style, which allows for an easy read. Your action lines are snappy and contain exactly the right amount of information, I didn't feel like I was missing anything or you were over explaining stuff.

I did think the set-up could much more succinct; by page 33 there was still no sign of any difficulties on the horizon. To be honest, I felt like the end of the first act was around page 56 when they decide to make a porn film. It seems to me that the story should start with Walter approaching Jack, the 10 page mark is Jack agreeing to make the film and the first act turning point is when they embark on making the second film. The end of the second act seems about right, but the tension hasn't built up at all; there's nothing serious going against these guys. Once they start making the film, it seems they do so remarkably easily. I expected Col. Hardwicke to be much more of a problem for them, I was looking for ever more devious ways to keep him out of the way whilst they filmed; but he, quite handily, kept himself out of the way. When he finally confronts them and admits he's a porn fan, all the possible tension is lost. They got away with it, movie over. Walter submitting the porn film seems a bit odd, the Army accepting it seems unbelievable.

From a character point of view: I didn't really get a sense of what bad things Walter had done to Jack (apart from the underground train scene). Maybe a few examples of why he's such a bad influence would be a good idea?

Some random thoughts:

p4 Mathis/London Productions sign. The audience won't know Walter's surname at this point.
p26 Walter recaps the plot for Ilsa - do you need this?
p44 Never before in the history of motion pictures has a screenwriter had anything close to this much power. - Will the average movie goer understand this? Is this too much of an in-joke?
p48 the camera scam feels wrong coming from Jack; maybe it should come from Walter?

Dana's reaction to Jack making a porn film doesn't seem real; she's been so upset up till then, then she just doesn't care. Is that the right reaction for her?

Overall: Your dialogue is great, your characters are great and (mostly) remain true to their own sensibilities. I just have a problem with the story and its structure. I don't really buy the ending and I feel like the film needs a lot more middle. read

Team America 2

A review of Homeland Conspiracy

by phillbarron on 02/08/2006

Very funny script, I found myself giggling most of the way through; a great parody of a xenophobic action movie. I love the ridiculousness of the IRA, Cuba and Al Qaeda co-operating with each other and taking orders from China; I was almost expecting Elvis to be the mastermind behind it all. I did feel that it falls apart a little in the last act though; the end of Jacobson... read

Good, but could be better

A review of "EPIC!!!"

by phillbarron on 12/16/2005

I like this script; generally speaking I like parodies so I appreciate what you're trying to do here. There are some really funny scenes, but then again there are a lot of not so funny scenes. That's not to say they're bad, just filling time between the truly funny bits. I think if you wanted to make this commercially successful it would have to be consistently funny all the... read

I don't get it.

A review of Nonzero

by phillbarron on 12/14/2005

You've got a very nice writing style, very fluid which makes for a very easy read. The only thing is, I've no idea what this script is about. Kelden does something which turns him into some kind of wraith. Alice ends up locked in a jet and can steer something else, which allows a plane to go fast. I really don't know what nonzero is. I may just be being stupid here, but I honestly... read

Buffy meets Blade

A review of Slayer

by phillbarron on 11/23/2005

You've got a nice, flowing writing style; but I'm not sure it's been put to best use in this screenplay. The story is a cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Blade, which in itself is fine; but I don't feel like you've added anything particularly new. I found myself reading through at a good pace, rarely havingto stop and re-read something, which is great; but all the... read

Great start, peters out a little

A review of A Murderous Plan in 14 Days

by phillbarron on 07/08/2005

This is a long script, 149 pages by my count. Which is weird, because it doesn't feel like there's a 149 pages worth of plot. Having said that, the script doesn't really feel like it drags too much either. You have a really nice writing style, occasionally marred by unfilmables; such as: Laura suddenly looks incredibly desirable, not as an easy fuck but as an integral woman... read

Six small tales which need more depth.

A review of Horatio

by phillbarron on 06/29/2005

If there's one major flaw with this screenplay it's the number of intertwining stories; there's just too many. With six indiviual stories, which connect only tangentially it weakens the coherance of the whole. The screenplay reads like several short stories lumped together, not because they have any relevence to each other, but because they happen in the same town. I think... read

Good foundation, needs some work.

A review of The Happy Gathering

by phillbarron on 06/21/2005

I found I read through this script quite quickly; there are a few typos, but not many. Your writing style is quite fluid and easy going. One thing I did find lacking were character and scene descriptions. For instance: You describe the feel of the restaurant well; but I had absolutely no idea what size or type of restaurant it was. The list of the past names sound like Chinese... I found I read through this script quite quickly; there are a few typos, but not many. Your writing style is quite fluid and easy going. One thing I did find lacking were character and scene descriptions. For instance: You describe the feel of the restaurant well; but I had absolutely no idea what size or type of restaurant it was. The list of the past names sound like Chinese restaurant names, yet (I think) Richard (and I assume his father before him) are Vietnamese. This leads me onto the character descriptions:

For this cosy, family atmosphere is only made possible by the YOUNG SERIOUS VIETNAMESE MAN. The boss of the restaurant, RICHARD NGUYEN makes sure...

I asume Richard is the young serious vietnamese man; but this is not immediately obvious because of the two seperate sentences. If that is Richard's description; how young is he? 12? 24? 34? It depends on your reader's age as to how old they consider a young man to be. It helps a lot to be able to form a coherent visual picture of the characters and the environment; I didn't feel I was able to do this with your screenplay.

This was noticable again during the montage rebuilding of the restaurant. I had no clear idea of who was doing what and how the rebuild was going.

When George comes to Richard with his business proposition, I think it would be helpful to have George explain it to Richard fully. Having the proposition explained off screen left me in the dark for several pages. I guessed what was going on, but assumed there must be something cleverer going on, purely because of the hidden explanation. Why hide an explanation when there's no merit or suspense to be gained? Reading a script without knowing even vaguely what it's about is uncomfortable, it leaves the reader feeling lost and when you're lost you can't develop empathy with the characters.

During George's initial questioning, Richard says he can't keep a table free because he'll lose money, then a page later adamantly stresses it's not about money. Is this deliberate? I can think of situations and people where this type of reversal might occur; but it felt out of character for Richard.

The story itself is not clearly delineated. Althoug it was briefly mentioned that Richard was short of cash; it wasn't brought to the forefront enough. When Richard reveals he was going to burn the restaurant for insurance, it felt like it had come out of nowhere. Similarly the plot with Jimmy and Takashi; I had no real idea who Takashi was or what threat he posed to Jimmy. Almost all of this story happens off screen; which is a shame because it's a major part of the overall story.

In fact I felt that there wasn't really much plot to the whole story, I felt you could do he same story in a ten minute short without losing anything important.

Given the thin plot; the relationship between Richard, Jimmy and Sarah is woefully underused. It would be nice to see more interaction between these three. Sarah seems to be falling for Richard and vice versa. Jimmy announces his intention to date Sarah. Richard gives up instantly. We don't get to hear Sarah's opinion or find out if Jimmy was successful.

I think you should decide whether to beef up the plot and bring all the off screen occurances to the forefront; or beef up the relationships between the characters and make the screenplay a character piece.

Or option number three; make both plot and relationships stronger and make this into a superb screenplay.

A few minor points: Richard's sketchbook. How did it survive the fire? Would Richard really consider burning down his father's restaurant? Why did George wait until the restaurant had been rebuilt? Why not steal the money straight after the insurance settlement?

Overall there are some interesting elements; I think you make each character's dialogue unique, which is a great skill to have; but I think the story line and basic concept needs a lot of work to make it shine. read

Well written, but could be better.

A review of Lady Blade

by phillbarron on 11/30/2004

A very easy read this, well formatted with very few typos, I flew through it. Your dialogue is excellent and suits all the characters, who are well thought out and stand out as very distinct personalities. Likewise there is nothing which is glaringly anachronistic and, although I don't presume any great knowledge of the subject matter, the time period feels well researched... read

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