phillil

A review of Just with you

by phillil on 05/31/2012

"Just With You" is a modern take on relationships, be they professional, romantic or platonic. It reads more like an episodic television program than a motion picture, but maybe that's intentional. The characters weren't particularly likeable or easy to root for (except maybe Jamie), and some of them were downright nasty. Mikey is a sexual predator yet it seems we're supposed... read

“Blair Witch” meets, well. . .everyone else

A review of FRIGHTLAND

by phillil on 05/26/2012

“Frightland” is your typical slasher script, with an annoying cast of characters that the reader can’t wait to see picked off, one by one. I don’t know if there’s any danger of copyright infringement here, as there really is a “Frightland’ amusement park in Middle Falls, Delaware. Or maybe this is just a 90 minute commercial for it in which case, kudos. I don’t mind a basic... “Frightland” is your typical slasher script, with an annoying cast of characters that the reader can’t wait to see picked off, one by one. I don’t know if there’s any danger of copyright infringement here, as there really is a “Frightland’ amusement park in Middle Falls, Delaware. Or maybe this is just a 90 minute commercial for it in which case, kudos. I don’t mind a basic slasher flick, in fact I can really appreciate a good one. The biggest problem I had with “Frightland” however, were the sheer number of unanswered questions I got from it. Angus Greene is a poor farmer who belongs to a satanic cult called “The Blood Order”. . .but why? He doesn’t gain any wealth or power for it, and his afterlife seems as miserable as his physical life. What was the goal of the Blood Order, who else was involved, and how could the cult persevere in a small town where everybody knows everybody else? And why does he keep killing after his death? For fun? A mysterious, mute malevolence worked in “Halloween” because Michael Myers was a real, flesh and blood character (in the first one at least). But by making Angus supernatural, we need at least some semblance of an explanation for his motivation, where he gets the power to distort images and voices, etc. I realize the target audience for this type of film might not ponder such things, but a few more facts could help the writer cast a wider net. On the victims’ side, this was about the dumbest bunch of lugs I’ve ever read about (except for Libby). Ian and MaKenna didn’t seem like actual film students at all, with the way they interviewed and handled a camera. And early on, why would Officer Todd need to see MaKenna’s ID when he pulled them over? She wasn’t driving. Koren came across like a letch, Billy was a stereotypical chauvinistic jerk, and the rest of the cast were basically interchangeable. MaKenna and Koren’s scene in the hayride area was contrived and gratuitous. Worst of all, the characters did what all characters in this type of movie do-they split up and go in separate directions in the dead of night so the killer can murder them, one by one. Even after seeing the most horrific sights they’d ever seen, they still head off in different directions telling their remaining friends to wait for them. On that note, if Angus can transcend the rules and limitations of death, time and space, and was still intent on murdering from beyond the grave, why wait until he had to do it piecemeal? Wouldn’t he rather kill everyone while they’re together and save some trouble? And how could MaKenna blow her brains out at the park when she was decapitated the night before? And although it’s an interesting visual, it would be impossible to decapitate anyone with a hand sickle-vertebrae are very tough. There were some inventive kill-scenes, however.
Finally, on a technical level, there are numerous typos, misspellings, apostrophes where there shouldn’t be, and missing where they should be, improper formatting of pages, the wrong character’s name on dialogue-it would take a couple of pages to list them all. I would humbly recommend going over the script line by line, maybe starting at the end and working backwards. Also, there are a number of professional infractions, like camera direction, some “we sees,” all caps when they aren’t warranted, etc. Most of all, there is a lot of unnecessary description when a few words would be just as powerful. Screenplays should be lean and mean, containing only things that can be shown on the screen. This rules out items like “a cackle that at this point in the story is unmistaken, because ANGUS GREENE has left his mark of death on many, and as he looks across the road at his land, the Frightland, he knows it will forever be his,” “MaKenna spots ELLIS DUNCAN, a balding Caucasian male with a scowl the length of the park, and the man that happens to be Jay's Frightland business partner,” and most of the entire first 8 pages.
Again a careful re-read and edit could take care of this in no time. Thanks for reading, and God bless read

Much ado about. . .something

A review of Fortune Favours the Bloody Careful

by phillil on 04/21/2012

“Fortune Favours the Bloody Careful,” which by the way is a clever title given its context in the story, is a crime-caper/murder mystery with dashes of comedy here and there. The funniest parts of this script, in my opinion, were the juxtapositions and extremes of the characters’ personalities, such as when Lawrence showed up at the police station still wearing his cowboy boots... “Fortune Favours the Bloody Careful,” which by the way is a clever title given its context in the story, is a crime-caper/murder mystery with dashes of comedy here and there. The funniest parts of this script, in my opinion, were the juxtapositions and extremes of the characters’ personalities, such as when Lawrence showed up at the police station still wearing his cowboy boots or the ease with which tough-as-nails Natalie breaks into tears when confronted. The story itself stretched the limits of believability, namely because there didn’t seem to be much of one. From the get-go, I didn’t really believe the characters or the journey (or lack thereof) they were taking. Why was the Police Chief so obsessed with an apparent heart attack, and why would he so readily threaten his lead detective with dismissal for not solving the case? And why would he force Lawrence to mentor his niece if he didn’t want her working at his precinct anyway? Finally, if he had just called Lawrence to his office seconds earlier on pg. 4-5, why would he hurriedly try to disguise the fact that he was cleaning a photo? Just finish cleaning it, then call. I don’t know what the law is in Britain regarding search and seizure, due process, bank and phone records, etc., but almost every move the police force made seemed to violate someone’s civil rights. And it’s not like they needed to. This was the sloppiest bunch of drug dealers, swingers and art forgers the world has ever seen, and the cops seemed oblivious to all of it, (i.e. check out Jose` on pgs. 31-32). The Coprine was a nice, stealthy touch, though. If taken as a farce with no real connection to methodical police work (like “Lethal Weapon”), there were some great comedic moments and characters. Structurally it was pretty sound, with minimal problems. “She’s a friend of my mothers/mother’s” (pg. 22), and the way dialogue would have large blank spaces between sentences when it should have been continuous (pgs. 6, 17, 20, 70, 98, etc.) are a few examples. I was especially thrilled when Lawrence ended up with the Barwoman instead of Natalie. In my opinion, a more focused, realistic police investigation and more competent crooks would really up the ante in this script. Thanks for reading, and God bless. read

Stix and Stones

A review of Children of the Revolution

by phillil on 04/13/2012

“Children of the Revolution” is a charming script about the pointless nature of war and the lives of everyone it affects. The characters were mostly endearing, but at times there were so many children with speaking parts it was easy to lose track of them all. The children’s dialogue was intelligent yet believable. And of course, the universal theme of “war is hell” is timeless... “Children of the Revolution” is a charming script about the pointless nature of war and the lives of everyone it affects. The characters were mostly endearing, but at times there were so many children with speaking parts it was easy to lose track of them all. The children’s dialogue was intelligent yet believable. And of course, the universal theme of “war is hell” is timeless and ageless. The biggest problem I had with this script was the way it tipped its hand as a dream sequence too early. Of course, as a children’s fantasy the limits of believability can be stretched indefinitely, as the presence of a living metal sculpture attests to. But other details gave it away, such as the ease at which children were allowed to play with and around potentially dangerous military equipment, the vague nature of the war Billy’s dad was headed to, and the viability of candy ammunition. Yes, it’s a cute gimmick, especially in a children’s film, but it’s a physical impossibility. You can’t simply load weapons with sweets and expel them without some sort of propellant, like gunpowder. And was I the only one concerned for the safety of these children who were flying actual aircraft? Structurally, there were a few problems, such as the use of camera angles and direction in a spec script, a few misspellings, most notably “themqqqqQ” on pg. 3, Rocco was hard to understand at times (subtitles would be helpful), and the incident where Paul takes off his eye patch, when just prior to that it said, “Just over his left eye is a scar, previously covered by the eye patch.” Also, Stix said he represented the tanks, planes, bombs and bullets that were sent to war, and he was upset about it. Tanks, bombs and bullets were designed and built for war, so it seems to me they’d be more upset if they didn’t get to fulfill their purpose. I realize it was just a dream, so I guess the point’s moot. All in all, a compelling story with characters you can really root for. Thanks for reading, and God bless. read

A new brand of justice. . .

A review of The Defendant (Ver.4)

by phillil on 03/19/2011

“The Defendant” is a legal thriller with an interesting twist, forcing an ACLU lawyer to resort to what he would have once found unthinkable. The author makes us truly feel for Michael, vicariously experiencing his pain and loss. There were familiar hints of “The Chamber” and “A Time to Kill” here and there, but not enough to be a hindrance. There were several structural and... “The Defendant” is a legal thriller with an interesting twist, forcing an ACLU lawyer to resort to what he would have once found unthinkable. The author makes us truly feel for Michael, vicariously experiencing his pain and loss. There were familiar hints of “The Chamber” and “A Time to Kill” here and there, but not enough to be a hindrance. There were several structural and grammatical problems that could be corrected with a simple proofread: pg 1 JEREMIAN/JEREMIAH, pg 11 “Heavy training day. I’ll for an hour”. (He’ll do what for an hour?), pg. 30 Micheal/Michael, pgs. 15-16 Elwood Cobb/Derelict used interchangeably, pg. 30 Dixon/Defense Attorney used interchangeably, pg. 32 “clinches” should be “clenches,” as they have entirely different meanings, pg. 48 “Could you help me with a little instruction with this weapon. (needs “?”), pg. 59 Plump Secretary/Verna used interchangeably, pg. 92 Michael says “We’ve made a game into our criminal justice system” instead of “We’ve made our criminal justice system into a game.”

All of this could be overlooked however, if the story were the least bit believable. This screenplay defied plausibility at every turn, and every few pages I said to myself “This is impossible,” so whatever happened on the next few pages as a result was also impossible to believe. To begin with, every one of the characters was a cardboard-cutout cliché from every legal melodrama ever made, from the blustery, jealous Tallent, to the too good to be true Robert still mourning his mother afresh six years after death, to the Redneck Sheriff in a neighboring town who doesn’t like outsiders coming in and telling him how to run his investigation.

Once again, even this could be somewhat ignored if we weren’t asked to swallow the following ideas; Jeremiah and Eli, two distinct-looking weirdos, were able to kidnap, rape, torture and kill 10 or 11 young men from their small town by abducting them in a HEARSE(!) and taking them back to their funeral parlor, yet no one ever saw or reported anything unusual until Robert was abducted. Eli even took the gag off one of his captives during business hours and Jeremiah just smiled. Michael, a defense attorney, was allowed to accompany the police to a pedophile’s house during their investigation of his son’s disappearance AND he was allowed to view the interrogations of Jeremiah and Eli. This would NEVER happen. He had to know the case would eventually be thrown out. The dialogue on pgs. 4-8 is completely unbelievable, from Michael’s stilted admonition of the Surly Guard to the Court of Appeals arguments. They act as if this is the first time anyone has challenged the constitutionality of the death penalty. The Prosecutor’s behavior beginning on pg. 30 (looking uneasy, apprehensive and sick) is equally inauthentic, as he would have been prepared for whatever the judge would rule. Then, the Foreperson reads the verdict as “sentenced to death,” which is something that would occur in the Penalty Phase. Even then, the jury can only recommend such a sentence, as the judge would have the final say.

Then there was Rayfield’s attempted execution scene, with the injection taking an hour and a half and his mother’s stereotypical rant at Tallent. After Michael learns of a disappearance in Lincoln County, he goes and asks the mother if she was shown pictures of any suspects. What suspects would she be shown pictures of, as this was considered a runaway? And why would Jeremiah and Eli go back to abducting victims in the same hearse that got them noticed in the first place? Also, Michael is able to purchase a gun with no background check or waiting period. Jeremiah’s confession comes much too easily, and he whips out the “I’m a victim, too” card immediately. Michael speaks of reaching potential jurors with the full story of Jeremiah, knowing this could taint the jury and backfire. The audience and jurors at the trial were too melodramatic, with the constant murmuring, tearing up, serious looks, discussing the case prematurely, and the Older Lady who said she had been on lots of juries and they always discussed the case all stretched the limits of believability. And why did the reporters keep jumping up and running out the back door?

Finally, after Michael’s “not guilty” verdict, Eli shoots him on the courthouse steps from just across the street and is killed by Sheriff Epps (whose “Freeze right there, mister” was hilarious). I know Eli is of limited intellect, but wouldn’t he have waited until Michael was alone, perhaps at home, and he could easily have made a clean getaway? After all, he had been able to kill 10 or 11 children and got away with it. Then, Michael supposedly sustains a paralyzing injury from the gunshot, but is able to go through physical therapy, get married and father a child within one year. Again, you see where I’m going with this. . .

I love the idea of a father getting justice (or revenge) for his murdered child when the legal system fails, particularly a father with Michael’s background. We just need to see more than a montage of grief where he drinks beer and watches television. What makes him “turn the corner” from grieving former defense attorney to murderous vigilante? What makes his grief more worthwhile and solidifying than that of the families of the victims of the murderers he’s defended? I applaud Michael, I would just have liked to see more of what made him “tick” than tread the familiar ground of the courtroom. Thanks for reading, and God bless. read

Maybe better suited as a novel?

A review of Tree Swing

by phillil on 03/01/2011

Tree Swing is the tale of four brothers and their less-than-ideal childhood, culminating in their mother’s “suicide” after the loss of her husband. When the brothers reconvene in their childhood home for the funeral and sale of said home, undercurrents of dysfunction and buried pain are brought to the surface. The brothers were fairly well fleshed out, but much of their dialogue... Tree Swing is the tale of four brothers and their less-than-ideal childhood, culminating in their mother’s “suicide” after the loss of her husband. When the brothers reconvene in their childhood home for the funeral and sale of said home, undercurrents of dysfunction and buried pain are brought to the surface. The brothers were fairly well fleshed out, but much of their dialogue consisted of “remember when” instead of showing us what actually happened. In fact, the missing pieces of the characters’ lives and the writer’s obvious penchant for description make one think that this story might be better suited as a novel. The lack of time and page constraint would give the author ample opportunity to expound on the characters’ histories and explain what exactly the nature of Simon and his mother’s mental illness is.

Much of the descriptions are repetitive and unnecessary, and unable to be shown on screen (pg. 2 “Each of these images is beautiful and tranquil as if there is no concern in the world,” pg. 46 the description of downtown, pg. 26 “As always, the town is fairly empty”, etc.) There were more, but to save time I won’t list them. There were a ton of misspellings, incorrect capitalizations, and missing punctuation, much of which might be missed by Spellcheck because it’s the correct spelling but wrong use, (pg.6 “We are now beginning our decent/descent”, pg. 22 “The lawyers/lawyer’s eyes scan,” pg. 80 “I’m sorry for your lost/loss”). On pg. 12, “MEMORY HIT” is usually stated as FLASHBACK. In a couple of places, there was no “contd” at the top of the page when a character’s dialogue was continued from the previous page.

Continuity-wise, there were a few things that defied believability. James asked Philip not to mention selling the house to Simon, but it’s almost the first thing out of his mouth at dinner that night. Philip mentions that Lisa will make partner soon, but she’s only in her late 20s. On pg.23, Philip finds what is supposed to be the suicide gun, which still has bullets (should be shells), but any time there is a suicide there is an investigation by local police. Therefore, they would have discovered there was no gunshot residue on Mrs. Rogel’s hands, and they would still probably have had the shotgun, as this was a just a few days later. On that note, a shotgun fires buckshot from a shell, not bullets. The result is a widespread blast, which probably would have at least partially hit Pete, instead of whizzing by him as described. Most importantly, Simon’s murderous rampage defied explanation. We’d been given signs that he was disturbed, but this was extreme even for him. How could he possibly expect to murder his brothers and not be caught, as his stated intention was to stay in his childhood home?

Much of this could be overlooked save for the fact that I had a hard time caring about these characters and what happened to them. There was no one to really root for, not even Philip. The aforementioned novel would give the author a chance to show us more of the characters’ backgrounds and give us a reason to feel for their current plight.

Cassidy’s brief appearance was hilarious, and I found it refreshing that Philip and Claire didn’t get together as these types of characters usually do. Also a pleasant surprise was the fact that James’ wife cheated on him first, not the other way around, (if he was telling the truth).

The writer obviously wanted to tackle some tough issues, and didn’t shy away from them. In my humble opinion, this could be a great story if it were fleshed out a little more and made us care more about what happened to its inhabitants. Thanks for reading, and God bless. read

A way to go to become the "Greatest"

A review of Greatest

by phillil on 04/13/2010

To begin with, you are to be commended for completing your screenplay. You obviously had a vision for a story you needed to tell, and went about the hard work of assembling all of the necessary ingredients. And I am no expert, so please take the following suggestions in the spirit of support and teamwork they are intended. From the first sentence, there are so many typos, incorrect... To begin with, you are to be commended for completing your screenplay. You obviously had a vision for a story you needed to tell, and went about the hard work of assembling all of the necessary ingredients. And I am no expert, so please take the following suggestions in the spirit of support and teamwork they are intended. From the first sentence, there are so many typos, incorrect punctuation and grammar that it would be futile to list them all. My humble suggestion would be to start at the beginning and read each line aloud, punctuating it correctly and adjusting the dialogue so it rings true. Hardly any of the sentences of dialogue had periods at their conclusion. Also, this is a story about a professional racecar driver, but the reader gets the feeling that the author knows very little about the actual sport of racing. Maybe a little research or collaboration with an expert could punch up the authenticity.

Finally, I had a hard time, even after reading the script twice, discerning what the actual story was. As best I could tell, we have cocky, brash Ricky who for some reason is more valuable to the phantom “Agency” locked up in a mental institution rather than simply killed or made to disappear. On the last page we learn that his father is behind the plot, but why? Even the “Top Secret” file with all of the details about a faux terrorist attack turns out to be a decoy. I’ve always wondered why “Top Secret” files were labeled as such, since they are the first thing one’s eye would be drawn to. Ricky has no arc to his character, so he doesn’t even learn a lesson or become more likable to us, even after all he’s been through, so we don’t root for him to escape or uncover this evil plot. And the Agency’s headquarters were a little (okay, a lot) too easy to break into for a group of evil masterminds to have engineered security.

With some spellchecking and tinkering with the dialogue, character development resulting in characters the reader cares about and an easier to follow, more plausible plot, this could make for a suspenseful, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Best of luck, thanks for reading and God bless. read

Promising premise quickly loses steam

A review of PETE HARRISON, REALITY STAR?

by phillil on 06/02/2009

Allow me to begin by saying I am sickened and saddened by the current state of affairs on television these days, in large part due to the dearth of so-called “reality programming.” Therefore, my heart leapt within me when I saw I had been assigned “Pete Harrison, Reality Star?” Unfortunately, the script delivered less of an informed reaming of the industry than I had hoped... Allow me to begin by saying I am sickened and saddened by the current state of affairs on television these days, in large part due to the dearth of so-called “reality programming.” Therefore, my heart leapt within me when I saw I had been assigned “Pete Harrison, Reality Star?” Unfortunately, the script delivered less of an informed reaming of the industry than I had hoped for. It was like boarding a train bound for Paris only to have it break down in Detroit, (no offense to the people of that fine city).

To begin with, the main character didn’t really give me any reason to like him or care about what happened to him. Aside from the fact that he once had a successful sitcom, we don’t really know anything about him. Ricky was far more likable, and provided the funniest moment in the script (when he accidentally kidnapped Pat Sajak). I felt that Sara’s character either needed beefing up or doing away with altogether. She took Pete back far too easily in the end, and had no voice or strength of her own. I’m sure you’ve heard ad nauseum by now that unless you have permission beforehand, it’s a producer’s nightmare to try to get all of the specifically-named actors together. For example, “BOB SMITH, an Alan Thicke-type” is a lot easier to sell. Also, you had Dee Snider bad- mouthing reality shows, yet he was in “Gone Country,” “Rock the Cradle,” and about a million other reality-based specials for VH1 and MTV.

The plot was a little hard to buy as well. No network is going to give up a top-rated show these days, no matter how popular reality programming is. And even if one of Reality’s top producers dropped off the face f the earth, they would be replaced by day’s end. Also, why is Pete so broke this soon after his cancellation? Residuals and syndication royalties are what a lot of working actors live on. The board meetings at the network were completely unrealistic, as was the idea of Pete’s reality show being popular at all.

The dialogue, while sometimes funny, always seemed to be about 15 degrees off of what someone would actually say. There were several misspellings and typos, mostly minor things like “it’s/its,” and question marks missing from questions, yet appearing at the end of statements. And I’m a big fan of flashbacks, especially if they’re a necessary way to bring us to a big reveal. These flashbacks however became frustrating, especially when we could have just seen the action sequentially and not have lost any of the story.

This is just my opinion however, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for reading, and God bless. read

“Us Vs. Them” a sometimes witty, often funny bit of romantic fluff

A review of Us vs Them

by phillil on 05/28/2009

This script is a slightly better than average romantic comedy that showcases its writer’s gift for witty dialogue and ability to surprise with comedy. The supporting characters are the real stars here (in my opinion, anyway), and to me the funniest moments came from Pro Junior and Ralph. I know some people find it distracting, but I enjoyed the storytelling tool of having Miles... read

Oddball characters all dressed up with nowhere to go, nothing to do

A review of Panama

by phillil on 02/14/2008

“Panama,” about a day in the life of a substitute teacher at a school with the faculty from hell, reads like a “Breakfast Club” for grownups without the learning or growing. Scripts that take place over the course of a day have great potential when something significant happens during that day (Die Hard With a Vengeance, Changing Lanes, etc). Sadly however, this doesn’t seem... “Panama,” about a day in the life of a substitute teacher at a school with the faculty from hell, reads like a “Breakfast Club” for grownups without the learning or growing. Scripts that take place over the course of a day have great potential when something significant happens during that day (Die Hard With a Vengeance, Changing Lanes, etc). Sadly however, this doesn’t seem to be the case with “Panama.” The clichéd characters weren’t believeable at all to me, from the stereotypical coach, art and music teachers to the students who spoke like teachers themselves. The descriptions of the action leaned heavily on things that couldn’t be shown on the screen and therefore have no place in a screenplay. For example, “The choices seem limited but they make do,” “The elementary school classroom, it truly brings back memories. Only usually upon memory we remember a vibrant room with lots of colors and decorated walls but in this case all four walls are bare,” “. . .this makes us as uncomfortable as Luke,” “Mr. Brady reads over a file, probably Luke’s,” “For some reason we are convinced that Luke Wilson left his mark,” the entire description of the Janitor’s “office,” etc. Very little of the dialogue sounded like anything someone would actually say, (although Mr. Birchbeck’s song about the “Rich white man” was hilarious). Characters’ names were capitalized after they had already been introduced. There were many, many misspellings and grammatical errors, which were surprising given the author’s history as a teacher. Most specifically were the abundance of “your” when “you’re” would have been called for, and “its” in the place of “it’s,” as well as “half-hardily/half-heartedly.” And this I really don't get--the author was a teacher, Luke is a teacher, yet the whole coffee interchange between Luke and Mr. Willis on page 12 is about the word "infer," which isn't even appropriate here. "Imply" or "suggest" would be correct. Dana’s relationship with Mr. Willis wasn’t convincing at all, despite her claim, “There’s a side to him that no one sees but me. A good side, a loving side.” And if she were going to break up with him, wouldn’t she have done it in the privacy of one of their homes instead of in the hall at school? Also, in today’s politically correct climate of “you can’t even spank a child,” someone as profane and abusive as Mr. Willis wouldn’t last two seconds. And I’m sure I’m not the first person to say this, but specific song titles, pacing and camera direction (as well as an abundance of “we see”) have no place in a spec script, particularly as demonstrated in the final scene. I know the writer probably plans to direct this himself, but those things should be saved for the shooting script. I didn’t even know who to root for, as none of the characters were particularly likeable. Even Luke’s admonition to Dana to “get out of there” threw me, because she didn’t do one single noble thing to establish her as one of the “good guys.” All of this could perhaps be overlooked if there were some emotional payoff in the end, but Luke’s so-called “meltdown” simply rambled on like a flaccid anti-climax. If something had truly been at stake and characters we could even remotely care about were involved, this would have been a more enjoyable screenplay. Thanks for reading and God bless.

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WStuntman on 04/08/2011

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