Genres:
crime, mystery/suspense
Murdering was the easy part - retelling proved another thing
Point_and_shoot
member since 01/08/2008 |
last login 06/15/2013
Lived in several countries due to my fathers line of work. Studied graphic design at college. Se7en's intro made a huge impact on me in turning graphic style to film. Looking to work with fellow scriptwriters, and film makers that want to...
Bio
Lived in several countries due to my fathers line of work. Studied graphic design at college. Se7en's intro made a huge impact on me in turning graphic style to film. Looking to work with fellow scriptwriters, and film makers that want to shake up the scene, and make films by any means necessary. My short stories, books, plays etc are all geared towards a visualisation as a film. So they would make more sense if they were read as such. See Alex Garland (28 Days Later).
Submissions by Point_and_shoot
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Genres: drama, mystery/suspenseA lot of changes can happen inside a kid in 13 years that are terrifyingly unspeakable.
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A merciless observation of infatuation, hope, & faded memories (dare?)
Reviews by Point_and_shoot 62
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A review of The Fallenby Point_and_shoot on 04/07/2013I am currently giving this a free-will review because: a)I am a graphic design enthusiast and liked the cover art for this screenplay while randomly browsing screenplays b)I am or hope I am a spiritual person c)It seemed like a good idea at the time The objective of this review is to: 1)See how it fits in as an original piece in comparison to other pieces on triggerstreet...
I am currently giving this a free-will review because:
a)I am a graphic design enthusiast and liked the cover art for this screenplay while randomly browsing screenplays
b)I am or hope I am a spiritual person
c)It seemed like a good idea at the time
The objective of this review is to:
1)See how it fits in as an original piece in comparison to other pieces on triggerstreet by other authors
2)See what techniques it uses to achieve its individual identity within its genre
3)See what justice it gives its chosen genre or if it has self-awareness of its genre
4)Admire the story, feel the prose of its characters, put myself in the cinema seat to imagine it
5)Ask myself if I would direct it and ponder on how or if it should be directed as a feature length
6)To infuse the general critique clap-trap then give my conclusion
First of all I would like to say well done to J.M.S for this script, and I hope that J.M.S keeps going as it was a good read and at one stage I timed myself to leave it but couldn’t because I wanted to know what happened next. Like I said the themes in this story is close to home to me.
HOW IT FITS IN AS AN ORIGINAL PIECE:
I like that religion pours almost out of every page. The lead character – the priest father Sullivan is truly the centre of this story and is almost on all pages. Therefore when he invokes the spirit of a verse in Luke or psalms I am drawn to it literally as opposed to audibly as I can actually look up the reference. He invokes the spirit of Luke and Psalms with the air of a master. So that reads authentically. Overall I would say that the Fallen as the title implies is a story about a soul losing its way.
The characters to me are the most likeable elements to this screenplay. I sense the community spirit. There feels to be a oneness to them all no matter how little their lines are like Tony or Victor.
You can sense the respect they feel for the priest and the want for better things. I like the tone in their voices and the issues they choose to air. I gather from this that the themes, words from Bible, and characters plight is no fly-by-night topic to the author and there is a sense of care and heart to be taken from this.
Most likeable character is the priest because he uses slang, understands the hood. Has his own personal burden, and burden of the people he serves. Drinks, isn’t afraid or doesn’t flinch in the face of gangs and violent threats.
I can even imagine him walking with a bit of a stylish but subtle strut in his walk.
It bears saying that at the same time I was reading this I was also reading F-ceska’s gospel of Michael (on TS), which is also about a priest that loses his way, but he has a saviour and isn’t central to the overall story. But apologies if I get some facts confused.
Breaking down what I think happens in the story:
• There is a present day interrogation after the fact of a terrible event with father Sullivan and detective holbeck
• There are flashbacks narrated by and seen through the eyes of father Sullivan that introduces and follows his bond with a mysterious boy with powers; Richard
• There is a sub-story to do with the redemption of David, how the death in his family has motivated him and what he wants to do for or with the church
The questions and themes I got from this are:
If you give humans the powers for miracles could they misuse them?
Is one special person worth more than 100 normal ones?
Belief in the paranormal
Belief in the spiritual
Chance for redemption
Self service
Corruption
Mass deception
Ingratitude
Faithlessness
Ultimately pervading madness
TECHNIQUES AND STRUCTURE OF THE DRAMATIC AND IF IT COULD TRANSLATE AS A FEATURE:
In spite of me saying that there was heart with all the characters and I found them very believable and likable the overall story I feel didn’t have a central dramatic and drastic emotional 180 event that changed things, that altered perceptions that had consequences of epic proportions. If it seems I am exaggerating good, because that is what movies do with character arcs. They have epic proportions to their acts. I will explain why I felt the Fallen lacked this epic event changing things for all – factor in the following way.
Father Sullivan.
Starts of as a dedicated, educated in scripture and dutiful priest. Whom is spiritually suspect, swears, drinks, has a blatant temper, seeks worldly justice, and looks for trouble,(if not aggravates it).
He ends up as misguided, split personality, swearing, dedicated to “his god’s will”, versed in scripture, dutiful, temperamental, spiritually suspect, educated, seeking worldly justice, psychopathic priest. Where was the change? What exactly did he change from metaphorically or thematically? Yes he fell, but he only fell into a mire that he was already in. I don’t think he changed within this story at all. Yes the revelation came, but that only shows two sides of the same coin.
Richard.
Starts of as a confused, lost, scared little boy,
Ends up as a scared, confused, arrogant, and self-seeking brat. Not much change
David & Victor. Their arcs are good for the little time they have. And if David ends up shooting father Sullivan at the end then I would have to say that the most peripheral character of the three had the most development, and is thus kind of his story and where the priest fell he rose.
That is if he doesn’t go to prison for his actions.
THE PACE
Easy and fluid read. Punchy movement that ticks along nicely without distraction. Every segment felt thought out appropriately and i didn’t feel a single paragraph didn’t deserve to be there.
The scenes captured the moment and had a nice and natural pace about it. Really letting you take in the words, the descriptions of the story.
This is more a character driven than social, special effects or location driven story. I think of it as a thriller more than a horror and it would be rated probably 15 to 18.
WHAT I FOUND LACKING:
I personally don’t think screenplay as it stands would be suitable as a feature length but more as a HBO, tru-movies, low-budget or TV episode. Why? Firstly the convention of having an interrogation, and flash back with a nice linear pace without too many layers of character influences aside from father Sullivan is too narrow or flat to carry as a feature length, and rings of an episode of CSI.
I could see this working as an episode of CSI, because it is neat, compact, linear, efficient and finishes cleanly. But films whether they are 90 mins or 200 mins must have multiple layers of character dynamics. Multiple story strands.
This film only seemed to have one strand which was central but it didn’t interact, gather, with other strands to make it muliti-layered. Detective Holbeck was just there to solve a crime and even though his daughter was cured, that was it.
QUESTIONS THE SCREENPLAY DIDNT ASK ME
Does this screenplay identify itself apart from or fit in with other films in it’s genre? I said that I thought of this as a pyschothriller and not a fullblown horror. But in saying that which films in genre cannons would be companions to this?
Orphan?
Children of Corn?
Looper?
Omen?
It’s anyone’s guess. But does the author try to subvert the – the child with special powers – story we have become accustomed to? With the reveal at the end I would say the answer is; yes, there somewhat of a detour as to the ‘how’ of the kid’s special powers. How it plays out, how he uses it, and how it is linked with Fr Sullivan and how it is Fr Sullivan.
But there is no subversion as to the why. We don’t know where these powers come from, other than they are God’s gift or Satan’s curse. There is no historical witch hunts that are necessary for these sorts of situations in movies.
There is no discourse or conversations on the history of historical figures who had powers and what they meant to society or what they did; think Rasputin for starters.
There is no investigation from secular people like Holbeck or science as to the source of these powers. The reaction and awe didn’t read as if witnesses saw something supernatural that is gripping the suburbs and demands government
intervention, media hysteria, local mob hunts, or childish folk tales.
And it is this ‘why’ of Richards powers the lack of why or where the source is from and what it means that I think lessens the depth of the story as a film, doesn’t give it its due dimensions and tally that with the lack of main character arcs of development within the story and lack of the central character interacting with other strands and then you have a story for TV, and not for cinema as it stands.
SUGGESTIONS
1)Should we audience not know all about Richards powers so quickly?
2)When Richard agrees to help Fr Sullivan should the cures Fr Sullivan perform start small with a small audience then escalate to bigger miracles with the whole town involved therefore having momentum and building the suspense, and encouraging an element of surprise?
3)Despite swearing and walking with gang members should Fr Sullivan have self-imposed personal rules that he follows and that he is eventually forced to push or ‘cross the line’ at some point? Some sacred rule to him a bit like Batman in Dark Knight that if he crosses it it would mean the end of himself and the world at large. If this is present at the moment could it be more emphasised? Or what can we say is the line Fr Sullivan crossed apart from the ending when he lost his sanity? Should there be more talk of the fall of spiritual man, Adam from all ages to expand Fr Sullivans personal dilemma to the world at large?
4)Should he have prayed more on the abilities of Richard before suggesting he helps him in his crusade?
5)Should there have been a ‘ghost-buster’ or otherworldly knowledge debunker (or a retired clergyman) of sorts who is versed in the Bible but suspects the Fr Sullivans /Richards healing from the get go, and therefore telling us the audience how he/she perceives this is satans work, and what he/she must do to stop it? And talks about the fall of man, Adam, Genesis etc?
6)Should Fr Sullivan/Richard have had rival with special powers to challenge them or do what they arent?
7)Should the entire or main flashback device been so subjective and only through Fr Sullivans eyes? Would it have helped to have David narrate/flashback as well? Therefore adding depth, mystery, objectivity and doubt as to the person of Fr Sullivan from the off?
8)Should the town have rioted at some point? Either for or against the Fr’s custody?
9)Was the ending a bit abrupt after the revelation?
10)Should Detective Holbeck have had more time in the screenplay to deal with his own religious convictions?
So I would ask J.M.S to consider these final questions, and see how or if they could impact the story towards a more multi-dimensional tale if he/she agrees it needs one.
How does J.M.S see this as a feature for the screen?
What films would JMS pertain to The Fallen?
THANK YOU
read -
A review of Closing Timeby Point_and_shoot on 11/03/2012At one point I thought that death was haunting the lead character - you know with his chronic pain and all. The race bit was well played out. I also had PE experiences that I incorporated into my stories so I lend myself to this segment. But aside from that I can't compare it to anything I have read or seen at the moment, but I am sure something will arise. I thought...
At one point I thought that death was haunting the lead character - you know with his chronic pain and all.
The race bit was well played out. I also had PE experiences that I incorporated into my stories so I lend myself to this segment.
But aside from that I can't compare it to anything I have read or seen at the moment, but I am sure something will arise. I thought it would be creepier. Do stuff really happen? Was what they did at the graves respectful, and how does he feel about it afterwards?
read -
A review of All the Incorporated Dead Peopleby Point_and_shoot on 11/03/2012When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not. I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video... When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not.
I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video game when it mentions he took a plunge into the deep elms or what-have-you. I could imagine a first person shooter.
I love my metaphors as well as my rants. This had both so good work there. Are the zombies real or not I don’t know, they may as well be to the lead character. I found myself thinking of Goerge Romero when I was reading his inner thoughts reflect his social angst. The running line of CEO, CD’S was a little funny too.
There is drama when he sees his dad, and there are twist. But why do these zombie films, stories always have to take place in the Deep South. Amen for 28 Days later.
I think there is something for every sense in this short, especially the bit where he is near a pizzeria and discovers he has been bitten into as if like soft dough, eeek.
So did it ride? Yeah when he boarded Sheila I’d say it did somewhat. Because of the incorporated metaphysical twist I’d say this was a little longer than needed. Nice effort all the same. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by Point_and_shoot
-
Genres: crime, mystery/suspense
Murdering was the easy part - retelling proved another thing
-
Genres: drama, mystery/suspense
A lot of changes can happen inside a kid in 13 years that are terrifyingly unspeakable.
-
A merciless observation of infatuation, hope, & faded memories (dare?)
-
Genres: documentary, dramaBased on an actual event where; A woman is attacked by a 'street thug' helplessly. I read the article on my way... more
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Genres: comedy, mystery/suspenseThere are 10 million reasons why things do not go to plan
Reviews by Point_and_shoot 62
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A review of The Fallenby Point_and_shoot on 04/07/2013I am currently giving this a free-will review because: a)I am a graphic design enthusiast and liked the cover art for this screenplay while randomly browsing screenplays b)I am or hope I am a spiritual person c)It seemed like a good idea at the time The objective of this review is to: 1)See how it fits in as an original piece in comparison to other pieces on triggerstreet...
I am currently giving this a free-will review because:
a)I am a graphic design enthusiast and liked the cover art for this screenplay while randomly browsing screenplays
b)I am or hope I am a spiritual person
c)It seemed like a good idea at the time
The objective of this review is to:
1)See how it fits in as an original piece in comparison to other pieces on triggerstreet by other authors
2)See what techniques it uses to achieve its individual identity within its genre
3)See what justice it gives its chosen genre or if it has self-awareness of its genre
4)Admire the story, feel the prose of its characters, put myself in the cinema seat to imagine it
5)Ask myself if I would direct it and ponder on how or if it should be directed as a feature length
6)To infuse the general critique clap-trap then give my conclusion
First of all I would like to say well done to J.M.S for this script, and I hope that J.M.S keeps going as it was a good read and at one stage I timed myself to leave it but couldn’t because I wanted to know what happened next. Like I said the themes in this story is close to home to me.
HOW IT FITS IN AS AN ORIGINAL PIECE:
I like that religion pours almost out of every page. The lead character – the priest father Sullivan is truly the centre of this story and is almost on all pages. Therefore when he invokes the spirit of a verse in Luke or psalms I am drawn to it literally as opposed to audibly as I can actually look up the reference. He invokes the spirit of Luke and Psalms with the air of a master. So that reads authentically. Overall I would say that the Fallen as the title implies is a story about a soul losing its way.
The characters to me are the most likeable elements to this screenplay. I sense the community spirit. There feels to be a oneness to them all no matter how little their lines are like Tony or Victor.
You can sense the respect they feel for the priest and the want for better things. I like the tone in their voices and the issues they choose to air. I gather from this that the themes, words from Bible, and characters plight is no fly-by-night topic to the author and there is a sense of care and heart to be taken from this.
Most likeable character is the priest because he uses slang, understands the hood. Has his own personal burden, and burden of the people he serves. Drinks, isn’t afraid or doesn’t flinch in the face of gangs and violent threats.
I can even imagine him walking with a bit of a stylish but subtle strut in his walk.
It bears saying that at the same time I was reading this I was also reading F-ceska’s gospel of Michael (on TS), which is also about a priest that loses his way, but he has a saviour and isn’t central to the overall story. But apologies if I get some facts confused.
Breaking down what I think happens in the story:
• There is a present day interrogation after the fact of a terrible event with father Sullivan and detective holbeck
• There are flashbacks narrated by and seen through the eyes of father Sullivan that introduces and follows his bond with a mysterious boy with powers; Richard
• There is a sub-story to do with the redemption of David, how the death in his family has motivated him and what he wants to do for or with the church
The questions and themes I got from this are:
If you give humans the powers for miracles could they misuse them?
Is one special person worth more than 100 normal ones?
Belief in the paranormal
Belief in the spiritual
Chance for redemption
Self service
Corruption
Mass deception
Ingratitude
Faithlessness
Ultimately pervading madness
TECHNIQUES AND STRUCTURE OF THE DRAMATIC AND IF IT COULD TRANSLATE AS A FEATURE:
In spite of me saying that there was heart with all the characters and I found them very believable and likable the overall story I feel didn’t have a central dramatic and drastic emotional 180 event that changed things, that altered perceptions that had consequences of epic proportions. If it seems I am exaggerating good, because that is what movies do with character arcs. They have epic proportions to their acts. I will explain why I felt the Fallen lacked this epic event changing things for all – factor in the following way.
Father Sullivan.
Starts of as a dedicated, educated in scripture and dutiful priest. Whom is spiritually suspect, swears, drinks, has a blatant temper, seeks worldly justice, and looks for trouble,(if not aggravates it).
He ends up as misguided, split personality, swearing, dedicated to “his god’s will”, versed in scripture, dutiful, temperamental, spiritually suspect, educated, seeking worldly justice, psychopathic priest. Where was the change? What exactly did he change from metaphorically or thematically? Yes he fell, but he only fell into a mire that he was already in. I don’t think he changed within this story at all. Yes the revelation came, but that only shows two sides of the same coin.
Richard.
Starts of as a confused, lost, scared little boy,
Ends up as a scared, confused, arrogant, and self-seeking brat. Not much change
David & Victor. Their arcs are good for the little time they have. And if David ends up shooting father Sullivan at the end then I would have to say that the most peripheral character of the three had the most development, and is thus kind of his story and where the priest fell he rose.
That is if he doesn’t go to prison for his actions.
THE PACE
Easy and fluid read. Punchy movement that ticks along nicely without distraction. Every segment felt thought out appropriately and i didn’t feel a single paragraph didn’t deserve to be there.
The scenes captured the moment and had a nice and natural pace about it. Really letting you take in the words, the descriptions of the story.
This is more a character driven than social, special effects or location driven story. I think of it as a thriller more than a horror and it would be rated probably 15 to 18.
WHAT I FOUND LACKING:
I personally don’t think screenplay as it stands would be suitable as a feature length but more as a HBO, tru-movies, low-budget or TV episode. Why? Firstly the convention of having an interrogation, and flash back with a nice linear pace without too many layers of character influences aside from father Sullivan is too narrow or flat to carry as a feature length, and rings of an episode of CSI.
I could see this working as an episode of CSI, because it is neat, compact, linear, efficient and finishes cleanly. But films whether they are 90 mins or 200 mins must have multiple layers of character dynamics. Multiple story strands.
This film only seemed to have one strand which was central but it didn’t interact, gather, with other strands to make it muliti-layered. Detective Holbeck was just there to solve a crime and even though his daughter was cured, that was it.
QUESTIONS THE SCREENPLAY DIDNT ASK ME
Does this screenplay identify itself apart from or fit in with other films in it’s genre? I said that I thought of this as a pyschothriller and not a fullblown horror. But in saying that which films in genre cannons would be companions to this?
Orphan?
Children of Corn?
Looper?
Omen?
It’s anyone’s guess. But does the author try to subvert the – the child with special powers – story we have become accustomed to? With the reveal at the end I would say the answer is; yes, there somewhat of a detour as to the ‘how’ of the kid’s special powers. How it plays out, how he uses it, and how it is linked with Fr Sullivan and how it is Fr Sullivan.
But there is no subversion as to the why. We don’t know where these powers come from, other than they are God’s gift or Satan’s curse. There is no historical witch hunts that are necessary for these sorts of situations in movies.
There is no discourse or conversations on the history of historical figures who had powers and what they meant to society or what they did; think Rasputin for starters.
There is no investigation from secular people like Holbeck or science as to the source of these powers. The reaction and awe didn’t read as if witnesses saw something supernatural that is gripping the suburbs and demands government
intervention, media hysteria, local mob hunts, or childish folk tales.
And it is this ‘why’ of Richards powers the lack of why or where the source is from and what it means that I think lessens the depth of the story as a film, doesn’t give it its due dimensions and tally that with the lack of main character arcs of development within the story and lack of the central character interacting with other strands and then you have a story for TV, and not for cinema as it stands.
SUGGESTIONS
1)Should we audience not know all about Richards powers so quickly?
2)When Richard agrees to help Fr Sullivan should the cures Fr Sullivan perform start small with a small audience then escalate to bigger miracles with the whole town involved therefore having momentum and building the suspense, and encouraging an element of surprise?
3)Despite swearing and walking with gang members should Fr Sullivan have self-imposed personal rules that he follows and that he is eventually forced to push or ‘cross the line’ at some point? Some sacred rule to him a bit like Batman in Dark Knight that if he crosses it it would mean the end of himself and the world at large. If this is present at the moment could it be more emphasised? Or what can we say is the line Fr Sullivan crossed apart from the ending when he lost his sanity? Should there be more talk of the fall of spiritual man, Adam from all ages to expand Fr Sullivans personal dilemma to the world at large?
4)Should he have prayed more on the abilities of Richard before suggesting he helps him in his crusade?
5)Should there have been a ‘ghost-buster’ or otherworldly knowledge debunker (or a retired clergyman) of sorts who is versed in the Bible but suspects the Fr Sullivans /Richards healing from the get go, and therefore telling us the audience how he/she perceives this is satans work, and what he/she must do to stop it? And talks about the fall of man, Adam, Genesis etc?
6)Should Fr Sullivan/Richard have had rival with special powers to challenge them or do what they arent?
7)Should the entire or main flashback device been so subjective and only through Fr Sullivans eyes? Would it have helped to have David narrate/flashback as well? Therefore adding depth, mystery, objectivity and doubt as to the person of Fr Sullivan from the off?
8)Should the town have rioted at some point? Either for or against the Fr’s custody?
9)Was the ending a bit abrupt after the revelation?
10)Should Detective Holbeck have had more time in the screenplay to deal with his own religious convictions?
So I would ask J.M.S to consider these final questions, and see how or if they could impact the story towards a more multi-dimensional tale if he/she agrees it needs one.
How does J.M.S see this as a feature for the screen?
What films would JMS pertain to The Fallen?
THANK YOU
read -
A review of Closing Timeby Point_and_shoot on 11/03/2012At one point I thought that death was haunting the lead character - you know with his chronic pain and all. The race bit was well played out. I also had PE experiences that I incorporated into my stories so I lend myself to this segment. But aside from that I can't compare it to anything I have read or seen at the moment, but I am sure something will arise. I thought...
At one point I thought that death was haunting the lead character - you know with his chronic pain and all.
The race bit was well played out. I also had PE experiences that I incorporated into my stories so I lend myself to this segment.
But aside from that I can't compare it to anything I have read or seen at the moment, but I am sure something will arise. I thought it would be creepier. Do stuff really happen? Was what they did at the graves respectful, and how does he feel about it afterwards?
read -
A review of All the Incorporated Dead Peopleby Point_and_shoot on 11/03/2012When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not. I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video... When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not.
I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video game when it mentions he took a plunge into the deep elms or what-have-you. I could imagine a first person shooter.
I love my metaphors as well as my rants. This had both so good work there. Are the zombies real or not I don’t know, they may as well be to the lead character. I found myself thinking of Goerge Romero when I was reading his inner thoughts reflect his social angst. The running line of CEO, CD’S was a little funny too.
There is drama when he sees his dad, and there are twist. But why do these zombie films, stories always have to take place in the Deep South. Amen for 28 Days later.
I think there is something for every sense in this short, especially the bit where he is near a pizzeria and discovers he has been bitten into as if like soft dough, eeek.
So did it ride? Yeah when he boarded Sheila I’d say it did somewhat. Because of the incorporated metaphysical twist I’d say this was a little longer than needed. Nice effort all the same. read -
A review of The Gospel of Liam (part 2)by Point_and_shoot on 10/11/2012On to the fourth (i think) gospel I have been assigned from this series, and read now. I would be interested to see which characters POV the screenplay will hang on. I am intrigued to know what devices the authour will use to include each characters peculiar strand into the fore at the same time overcoming the issue that the main characters or gospel writers/speakers are... On to the fourth (i think) gospel I have been assigned from this series, and read now.
I would be interested to see which characters POV the screenplay will hang on.
I am intrigued to know what devices the authour will use to include each characters peculiar strand into the fore at the same time overcoming the issue that the main characters or gospel writers/speakers are from different timelines.
CHALLENGES OF MAKING THE FILM (THE NOVEL WILL BE A BREEZE):
I am also interested to reflect on which previous movie has had a similar challenge, and how it was overcome. Is it the challenge of presenting a multitude of characters point of view in a post-apocalypse universe or a multitude of characters in a post-apocalypse universe from differing times.
How will this translate? Would it be in character slots like the film Babel, and leave it to the viewer to join the dots whilst not being too intrusive?
Or would it be more like Terminator 2 in which there is one direction from the femme saviour?
If I was to choose a character to be the main POV, personally for film structure sake, I would choose Lucas's story based on what I've read, but I am bias towards stories with socio-political subtext at its spine.
In the three act sense it would be interesting to see how the chronology of these gospels pan out, definitely serially I guess.
----
On to Gospel of Liam pt2. Triggerstreet automated assignment was generous to me, could you imagine what if I read pt2 before pt1? I'd be carting before horse.
DELIVERY:
So I guess I prefer a story about a messiah told from a political figure than a layman. Especially if the said layman is in a pub. Maybe it is because I feel the layman (Liam in this case) is saying so at a pub, after the fact, and the sense of urgency of what might happen if things don't go well isn’t evident any longer. The sense of urgency isn't evident to me in comparison to Lucas gospel, where the main character in that story is in a major dilemma, in his friendship, marriage, home-life, and most significantly in the political public sense.
So I am a lot bias towards that delivery of gospels as opposed to this.
CENTRAL FIGURE:
The problem I found with Eibhlin's potrayal in this story is similar to the one I mentioned in Lucas's gospel. Maybe it’s just my desires for a character of such magnitude. But then again, and I speak as a Christian man, all the ingredients of the circumstance around and about the messiah are there, but the character of the messiah I found missing to some extent.
And this is what I meant in the other gospel where I said that when it comes to Eibhlin's parts more is said about her and her significance from afar than what she actually does, says in person up close. I saw structure but no individual. LOL maybe that is what some people get when reading Biblical gospels (though I hope not, as I didn't). But if you watch Martin Scorcese's portrayal of Christ in Last Temptation film (my personal favourite aside Jesus of Nazareth from the 70's with Rufus Sewell as Judas) you will see internal struggles, demons, and personal motivation up close.
I don't really know what is motivating Eibhlin. Dublin is in a rot, and she senses within herself the universal positivity to communicate the message to save mankind within and abound. I understand that, but many characters around her (I found Fallon's description aptly compared to the Peter role of the Jesus disciples) felt the same need for positivity for survival. I just didn't get a real sense of her. And in the ensuing plot it felt like her story arc was almost hidden behind the figure and events of what happened to Christ as a failsafe device.
But in saying that when I came across the scene of the visual meditations, I was like aha there is something eye has not seen, and ears have not heard before, there was a sense of individuality both in narrative and character that I was looking for to solidify the personal character of Eibhlin, maybe I was expecting more of that, and less borrowed gloss from history.
Yet by the end of the story, when it came to the deaths of the messiah, the author surprised me. It came across as very inventive. That the fake deaths of Grannie/Eibhlin, the plan to do so and how it linked to the visual meditations afterwards was all for the purpose of the propagating the message of hope came across as a masterstroke. It was then I felt ok, this is a post-modern presentation of how a messiah can work today using facts, myths, and legends of old. I dug that element, and had I known it was coming earlier would have been less judgmental about what I perceived to be excess borrowing of the Jesus Christ in the plain explicit sense.
And so at the end of this 2nd part Gospel, I felt a tinge of longing that it was all coming to a halt, but the way the author structured it, it really isn't a halt just one door closed, for another to be opened.
And this is ultimately what I got from these gospels so far, the opening and closing, of doors of alternative myths, outcomes, and apocalyptic solutions. And just like Richard Kelly found with the saintly character of Donnie Darko, before the end of his world, one of those doors of ideas (timeframes, alternative portrayal of religious myths), can unlock the key to something so big, and so strong here one hopes. read -
A review of The Gospel of Lucasby Point_and_shoot on 09/23/2012I am starting to get into the tale a bit more, and I think it is fitting to read the narration from a social-political point of view; finding this episode timely. Ceasar, Pontius Pilate, the similarity to ancient Judea/Rome during Christ run riot here. I especially appreciate the opener. How from the off we are entangled in the narrator's nightmare. I think this adds urgency... I am starting to get into the tale a bit more, and I think it is fitting to read the narration from a social-political point of view; finding this episode timely.
Ceasar, Pontius Pilate, the similarity to ancient Judea/Rome during Christ run riot here. I especially appreciate the opener. How from the off we are entangled in the narrator's nightmare. I think this adds urgency to his actions, and moves the story forward at breathtaking pace. The read was easy on my eye, and it has been a while since I have comfortably read a 41-pager in two sittings. (Could have been one, but had to take breakfast).
Credit given where credit is due. C'mon how could I have expected to complete this tale without at least getting one straight-up Orwellian segment:
' Daughters were married off at age fourteen and were given special privileges if they could bear three children by the age of eighteen. Anyone who did not fit in with these plans was at best an inconvenience; at worst an obstacle that needed to be removed.'
From this episode it is clearer to me the artistic symbolism behind the metaphor of the Phoenix, and or Phoenix park, rising from the ashes etc (not forgetting the jean grey jpg)
Reaching this stage I do see how this story could work both as a novel, and movie, but it would tend towards more of a movie-series obviously. It was pleasant for me to read excavate the authour's insistence on reminding us readers that amongst all the Romance, endearments, and the like there is a geo-political subtext in the background that carries through. Earth talk, oil talk. For me it was just nice to see how it balances with what's happening in the foreground, and a writer's interpretation of these issues in a future setting.
Not to mention the choosing, detailing, describing and illuminating of the chosen area 'Dublin', and what it means to live there at this time. Let's not forget District 9 had to bring out the character of South Africa as it was an unusual setting for an alien occupation. The same way I found the authour is at pains, and quite efficiently to bring out the character of Dublin in a post-cataclysmic crisis.
I like stories of crisis, it really did read like it was coming from a man, a political aide giving to me - snippets of how Pontius Pilate's aide may have felt like.
As enjoyable as the story was the only thing I found lacking after page 21 was the build-up to the capture of Eibhlin. From the betrayal, to the visit to Phoenix park, to the conversation with the president, then the capture and finally the public showing. In all this Eibhlin felt like a chess piece for narration purposes, and whilst all this pacy events were happening around her, and to do with her; I didn't actually get her, and what she was about, from her.
But at this rate, I am sure I will know more. read -
A review of A Terrible Crimeby Point_and_shoot on 09/22/2012Firstly let me just ask, besides the nature of the theft, and how the perpetrators went about doing it, can a crime be a crime if the offended is dead? Silly question, but unless a Will was in order what legal claim over an asset/good/item does a dead person have over it? And if otherwise who can enforce this law? Good people? For a crime to be terrible there must be witnesses... Firstly let me just ask, besides the nature of the theft, and how the perpetrators went about doing it, can a crime be a crime if the offended is dead? Silly question, but unless a Will was in order what legal claim over an asset/good/item does a dead person have over it? And if otherwise who can enforce this law? Good people?
For a crime to be terrible there must be witnesses to it's exposure after the fact, and majority opinion must look down on the crime right? For 'terrible' is subjective right?
Let's get to the story. I soaked in the lines of the first paragraph, and appreciate how it is separated as an opening in itself. I felt it set the tone aptly. It gave me the shade, light, space and mood of what was to take place.
I found the narration to be in the vein of classic English. Kind of upper-class patriarchal village baron reading a scribe of a past affair. Not to mention the describing of dead characters with triple barrel names from the 18th century. Though the name of area Cretinsleigh did make me giggle a bit.
I heard what the narrator wanted. The chiming of the latch, sound of feet in mud. And saw what they wanted; the twinkling on metal etc.
But where was the twist to this crime? This story? Did they do all that for some shillings? If the vicar has seen it all before, maybe he should write to the council? Or does he confront criminals, and risk his life regularly?
I know a breach was made in this story, a breach of privacy. Does the whole village know about the buried fortune? Let's be realistic, did the dead leave it to no one in his will? Where is the crime?
In my personal opinion the most terrible crimes, are the ones done in secret, and are kept secret. This one was half. Maybe I am taking the title and logline too seriously but hey when a question is asked ie What is their terrible crime... it gets the mind thinking, and I am sure the author wouldn't be too hard-pressed for causing that. read -
A review of Foreword to The Gospels of Eibhlinby Point_and_shoot on 09/19/2012Here we are finally in 2215, the war is over, the myths have circulated, and the religion is cemented. The structure I found to be very professional, with annotations at the bottom to ensure we are all on the same page of events and references in the story. So as a reader I can use this piece as a guide. There are seven gospels in total. Each bringing within it a story, and... Here we are finally in 2215, the war is over, the myths have circulated, and the religion is cemented.
The structure I found to be very professional, with annotations at the bottom to ensure we are all on the same page of events and references in the story.
So as a reader I can use this piece as a guide. There are seven gospels in total. Each bringing within it a story, and I hope unique description as to the effects on nature, and society within the several years that encompass the tale.
I also hope that by reading this, if and when I get round to the other stories (having already read Liam part 1) that in every gospel they each give a part of the body that is the main heroine. Making up the full unit in their own parts. Because it is her story after all.
There are obvious parallels intended or not when dealing with fiction that mentions, 'gospels', 'saviour' etc with the Bible. And i suppose they add authenticity to it.
There are debates as to who wrote what, when, and where. There are tales that are open to interpretation, as well as controversy on the subject of humanising the heroine as there should be. Well done read -
A review of The Gospel of Liam (part 1)by Point_and_shoot on 09/19/2012Having read one of the other Gospels I am kind of in the feel of this episode. But I emphasise the term - episode. Because that is how this gospel comes across to me. What I learned from this episode and should have noticed from one of the other story was how the political nature or the consequences of civilisation's end has affected everyday things such as same sex couples... Having read one of the other Gospels I am kind of in the feel of this episode. But I emphasise the term - episode. Because that is how this gospel comes across to me.
What I learned from this episode and should have noticed from one of the other story was how the political nature or the consequences of civilisation's end has affected everyday things such as same sex couples being parents. The set up and intro of Liam felt in line with the overall picture of story-telling that I can expect from the other stories.
Does the fact that he is telling the story first hand take away the urgency of the crisis he faces within - his - story? I like that his host let on that he had been through hardships which sets up what we read later on. The other characters in this saga are mentioned later on which kind of brings things full-circle. In saying that I didn't appreciate how the author leaves off just when the narrator is about to get to the heroine's part. It's almost like to get there, a reader will have to get the other stories and put them in chronological order and then dig.
Which brings to question how much a short-story within a series should rely on the other stories. If this was a film, or 30 min episode would the ending be a worthwhile cliffhanger justifying the 30 minutes of the episode just watched?
read -
A review of The Blindby Point_and_shoot on 06/23/2012This is a film by a fan for fans. Fans of Polanski, Aronofsky, late night twilight zones episodes of another kind. Using multiple tricks with video effects the same image is shown with different light, edges, and textures. I feel there is so much excitement to the point of view the director is presenting. The metaphor of the window is a universal one. Is the character being... This is a film by a fan for fans. Fans of Polanski, Aronofsky, late night twilight zones episodes of another kind. Using multiple tricks with video effects the same image is shown with different light, edges, and textures. I feel there is so much excitement to the point of view the director is presenting. The metaphor of the window is a universal one. Is the character being stalked? Or is he going mad? How many of us have ever looked through the window and wonder what's staring back at us?
Is there a clear narrative? Probably not, what I got from this was more a narrative told in a pattern. When all the experimental play, and effects are forgotten what I will remember most about this peice is the stunning, broody 8-bit soundtrack. Especially 'minute 2' I was captivated when it kicked in, and felt that it blended in with the fuzzy shot of the characters feet.
I consider this film for the competition. And I ask fo the author to please play more with these ideas and sounds. read -
A review of Crimson Spotsby Point_and_shoot on 06/23/2012'Seven men held him down.' Reads the opening line to this story I found to be of struggle, inevitable doom, and nostalgia of sorts. Reading this story I get an air of a professional writer, in terms of the rhythm, and tightness of the engaging sentences. For me it starts off quite objectively, describing what I thought was a violent scene in a matter of fact but peculiar way... 'Seven men held him down.' Reads the opening line to this story I found to be of struggle, inevitable doom, and nostalgia of sorts. Reading this story I get an air of a professional writer, in terms of the rhythm, and tightness of the engaging sentences. For me it starts off quite objectively, describing what I thought was a violent scene in a matter of fact but peculiar way. For example 'sharp knees in old jeans jabbed into his ribs' short and snappy, not sensational. There is an air of archaism in this read that reminded me of pre colonial authors. Maybe the fact that the main character is the son of someone who lived in post-Franco days of Spain.
What brings me in to this story is that the bull fighting scene reminds me of Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano set in Mexico (based during the fiesta of the dead). In there the characters were in turmoil and saw their tragedy reflected in a bull fight. This time we are actually in the ring, and reading how Alfonso wants to please his mother, should have listened to his father, forgets what to do with his sword, etc. He thinks all this knowing any slip up will lead to his death, that he is dancing with his mortality. It was interesting to get into his head as a matador. Is he betrayed in the end? Or does he feel let down by Sandra with Jose?
I found the descriptions of the scenery to match what it would be like to stroll through a village where a fiesta is at large, and time seems to stop for something like a bullfight. The repeated usage of red (pages; 5,6, and 9) reminded me of Under the Volcano where a horse is branded with the number 7 and keeps following the main character around. Like signs reminding the main character that death is near. The poetry of the matador vs bull symbolism is put alongside the visual, and literal alignment of sentences like: 'Their memories were jogged by that church and this fountain. Their words spilled over each others’(page 9).
As engaging as I found the story I at times felt the author mentioned the characters in a most detached sense. Mentioning old man here (page 1), him there(page 11) ... perhaps leaving it to the reader's imagination.
For the love of the apocalyptic fiesta flavoured anglo-spanish literature I suggest further reading of Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano. read
Comments About Point_and_shoot 47
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TheLastGlance on 01/05/2013
Hey, thanks! Happy New Year to you as well! I had the rewrite up but I'm still tinkering with it a bit while also working on a couple other side projects. When I do put another one up I will be sure to send it your way! You're awesome and your opinions are invaluable to me! :D -
tishanddavid on 11/17/2012
Hey, P+S. I really appreciated your input for my short story, Closing Time. You made a good point when you asked if what Heidi and Stephen did with the graves was respectful. While visiting a cemetery, I suppose you’re not always sure what will happen.
As for the PE bit, who says that was autobiographical?! (huff, huff, cough! Panting, panting, panting).
Sorry. (phlegm)
Dave -
tishanddavid on 11/04/2012
Comment deleted by Point_and_shoot -
tishanddavid on 11/04/2012
HA for a moment there I thought you said Kermot Frog. Its all good I love the English. -
TheLastGlance on 10/29/2012
Thank you for your kind words. You don't know how much I appreciate it. Yeah, about the brand names. I originally even used the brand Band-Aid's and I was advised to change it to bandage. I agree it's rather silly. I think as far as alcohol is concerned to an alcoholic, brand becomes a bit insignificant after a while. We do all have our favorite brands and that's why I would've liked to have Stoli and Goldschlager in the script because as you mentioned in your review it does endear the reader and paints an even more colorful picture. And I'm happy to hear you like Trent because I've been working really hard on him. Again, thank you! -
TheLastGlance on 10/16/2012
Thank you so very much for your review of Dying Daily. In my first draft I had brand named the alcohol all throughout and a lot of my reviewers informed that it was the wrong thing to do. I even turned Golschlager into "gold flecked liquor". Oh, well. I'm still learning, so, you know. Again thank you for your time and very constructive review. -
f-ceska on 10/13/2012
Oh and I forgot - you have read chapter 3) 'The Gospel of Ryan' too, so you have read one of the early ones (Eibhlin's teenage years). So the ones you're missing are: 1) The Gospel of Maire (conception and birth), 2) The Gospel of Michael (Eibhlin's childhood), 4)The Gospel of Grainne (Eibhlin's 20s), and 5) The Gospel of Alfonso (final years leading up to the ending).
(Just in case you feel like going on!) ;) -
f-ceska on 10/13/2012
Hello and thank you for your review of The Gospel of Liam (part 2).
It really is a shame (in my opinion) that you've reached the ending without having read the earlier gospels. You've read the last three, and the Forward, but without those earlier gospels, it's very hard to get a clear picture of the whole story. I believe that the earlier gospels are much more focused on building up Eibhlin, and the myth of her divinity if you like, than the later ones, and so are kind of crucial to the overall message, which plays out over the whole story, and which you've begun to pick up on in the final chapters. The gospel that precedes Lucas, (Alfonso) is essentially pivotal in changing the direction of the story and introducing the beginning of the finale. Hopefully, you'll read some or all of the earlier gospels and some of your concerns would be addressed.
As for your questions about the screenplay, yes, it is / has been a difficult problem to solve. I've currently written and uploaded two versions which deal with it in two different ways (as you speculated), and I'm still not sure which works best. There's the chronological sequence of separate gospels told by different speakers, as in the novel / short story version (and something like 'Babel') and then there's a version which begins somewhere in the middle of the Gospel of Alfonso and uses flashback to tell parts of the other characters stories. (Alfonso, not Lucas, because Alfonso is in a position to see much more, both inside and outside the farm). I think both versions have a 3 act structure but it is a challenge to carry it across such a large time scale. (Still, it can't be all bad. My earlier version did make the semi-finalists list in last year's Big Break Screenwriting competition!) I've written treatments for both versions also, so if you would like to compare the cut down versions, let me know, and I'll email them to you.
Anyway, I ramble. Thanks again, and I really hope to hear more from you.
Francesca -
Rfordyce on 10/08/2012
Hi Raymond, thanks very much for the review of 'When Irish Guards Are Smiling'. Your comments are much appreciated. I know I still have a lot of work to do on it, but I thought it could be a good vehicle for some culture-clash comedy, so I slung up the first draft to see what the reaction was.
Good luck with your own projects, and hope to see you around the Street.
Richard
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Edward Tesla on 10/06/2012
Thanks for the added feedback, I'm glad you like the style I was going for.
Hope to get round to reading some more of your work too.
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Comments About Point_and_shoot 47
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Quote
Hey, thanks! Happy New Year to you as well! I had the rewrite up but I'm still tinkering with it a bit while also working on a couple other side projects. When I do put another one up I will be sure to send it your way! You're awesome and your opinions are invaluable to me! :D
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Quote
Hey, P+S. I really appreciated your input for my short story, Closing Time. You made a good point when you asked if what Heidi and Stephen did with the graves was respectful. While visiting a cemetery, I suppose you’re not always sure what will happen.
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Comment deleted by Point_and_shoot
+ more commentsTheLastGlance on 01/05/2013
tishanddavid on 11/17/2012
As for the PE bit, who says that was autobiographical?! (huff, huff, cough! Panting, panting, panting).
Sorry. (phlegm)
Dave
tishanddavid on 11/04/2012