a screenplay
by ProfRedSweater
Genres:
comedy
A eunuch in a small town Texas high school must figure out what it means to be a man.
ProfRedSweater
member since 03/31/2011 |
last login 05/21/2013
I'm a working director/cinematographer/writer operating in the low-budget scene of Seattle, WA. I've been writing scripts since 2003, and whereas I used to be focused on excluding camera movement, passive description, and the likes, I now realize that you should do whatever...
Bio
I'm a working director/cinematographer/writer operating in the low-budget scene of Seattle, WA. I've been writing scripts since 2003, and whereas I used to be focused on excluding camera movement, passive description, and the likes, I now realize that you should do whatever fits your story best. Give me a unique story, and I'm a happy reader.
Submissions by ProfRedSweater
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a screenplay by ProfRedSweaterGenres: horror, mystery/suspenseIn a future where suicides are epidemic, Charlotte monitors a bridge for jumpers, but not everyone stays gone.
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a screenplay by ProfRedSweaterGenres: comedyA eunuch in a small town Texas high school must figure out what it means to be a man.
Reviews by ProfRedSweater 53
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A review of Long Time Jerkby ProfRedSweater on 02/01/2013Hello, and welcome to the depressed, suicidal, castration, dog referencing comedy genre! I tackled that a while back with “What Happened to Billy’s Balls?”. It’s a tough road to climb, and you have my sympathies for all the people who just don’t see the humor in that. Anyway, there’s some good ideas in “Long Time Jerk”, but I think it needs some honing down and focusing...
Hello, and welcome to the depressed, suicidal, castration, dog referencing comedy genre! I tackled that a while back with “What Happened to Billy’s Balls?”. It’s a tough road to climb, and you have my sympathies for all the people who just don’t see the humor in that. Anyway, there’s some good ideas in “Long Time Jerk”, but I think it needs some honing down and focusing to get the story really firing. I’m going to try and outline what I liked about the script and then places where I think it needs work. I also list my notes/thoughts as I’m reading through the script so you can see inside a reader’s mind as they’re experiencing your story. Well kind of. That sounded weird.
What I Like (I don’t go into too many details on this):
- The dialogue flowed well and there were lots of gems and fun moments hidden throughout. It really made the read go a lot easier than you’d expect from a 140 page script.
- Gertrude’s introduction is out of the blue, but the character is great, and her and Colby’s relationship is probably my favorite part of the story. It’s a little childish, but I like how these loner/losers both find a partner in each other.
- The plot churns nicely at the end, lots of events happen and the story isn’t afraid at going into different directions, even if the audience may not want to go there.
- I liked the scene with Wyatt and how it both shows this last beacon of hope for Colby and his old world of friends, and then tears it apart. It was painful, but felt true.
- The general idea and execution of Colby getting kicked out of his home/running away was kind of neat. I’d like to have seen more details about his time on the street, and less about his friends, but it’s a good setup for a comedy.
What Needs Work:
I’ll start easy. The typos/grammatical errors. There’s a lot of them in there. It’s hard because when you read a script you start to scan and your brain will fill in holes and make sense of lines, but it really needs a proofreading as they’re quite distracting.
Next, let’s hit that elephant in the room. The length. Bad news, it’s way too long and that becomes a burden. Good news, I think there’s a lot of ways to fix that.
- Consider cutting out Jack and/or the VO. Not just for length, but it also feels unnecessary. It’s kind of like you have all these funny one liners for the moment, but no one for Colby to deliver them to. Or sometimes it’s just an update on what Colby is thinking at the moment. But with rare exception it doesn’t advance the plot. Sorry to say, it also feels like lazy writing. Events and Colby’s reaction are what can reveal his progression. We don’t need him to say out loud he has feelings for Gertrude. We know that already. Here’s an idea: Cut Jack/VO. But have Colby meat a crazy old man who lives in the forest. Let him talk to him if he needs to at the end of the days, and you can create some really funny scenes out of this depending how far you go. How crazy is he? Is he just a warning of what Colby could be? And perhaps at first Colby seems to like his lifestyle? Does the crazy guy become like a spurned lover when Colby’s not around? There’s a lot of opportunities depending on the tone of the humor.
- Trim down that dialogue to save space. Some of the scenes go on for too long and hammer variations of the same jokes to death. I get that there’s a lot of funny things that can happen in the scenes, but they don’t all need to happen. The opening scene with the parents is a perfect example. An audience will love you more if you get in, make only the best jokes and then get out.
- Combine Colby’s friends/acquaintances into fewer characters. Diane, Gertrude, Alan are important characters (if not exactly “friends”). But Sam, Adam (+group) and even Tyler all kind of occupy the same space. In the beginning Colby runs round to all of these friends and we get slight variations on the same scene. It’s unnecessary and boring. For instance, why aren’t Alan and Tyler the same person? At worst it’s a little too convenient. At best it gives us another reason to hate Alan (cause he’s the perfect kid that his parents love) and it makes Diane’s sleeping with him even worse. What point does Sam have at all? To show he can somehow help some friend out, but not really? It doesn’t do much. Cut him. Then make Adam his only real friend, who isn’t actually his friend.
While I’m on the subject. Reference Wyatt earlier on. Make him this idealized friend from perceived better times (high school). Have them reference how Adam/Wyatt and him used to hang out earlier or something. Set him up so that when we go and visit him it has a big build up, which makes the let down even better.
Moving on to Colby. He’s just too pitiful right now. As he’s written, he’s lazy, boring, the wrong kind of weird, and doesn’t seem smart (or maybe he is, I can’t tell). That’s a hard character to root for. Honestly, I felt like he got most of what he deserved. He needs to come across more as a good guy in some way early on. I gave a suggestion below, but I think it needs more than that. What makes him so great and relatable? Maybe he had dreams when he was younger to do something, but some event made it so he couldn’t? He’s got to have something though, and it’s a significant problem now.
There’s also problems with Colby’s arc. He has a slow romantic build up (consider speeding this up as well, it feels repetitive), and then he kind of stands up to Adam at the party (but I don’t know if he was provoked enough there), but there’s not enough in between and I don’t know what his flaw is (besides being a wuss and weird, needs to be more specific) and how he’s confronting that.
A note on comedic identity. I find it a little all over the place in this film. Him trimming his pubes and cutting himself feels really out of sync from the next 30 pages. There’s other moments too that feel similarly disjointed, it’s just something to be aware about. But humor is so personal that no one can really tell you what you want the comedy to be.
For the dialogue, it did feel a tad generic at times. Playful and amusing, but I wanted more specific jokes as opposed to banter. Random examples from the opening scene. The better than ice cream or pizza was good, but better would be better than Chunky Monkey ice cream. Or instead of “parent of a retarded child or a murderer” really think what type of murderer. Maybe not the best examples, but everywhere just think how words can be more specific so they really stick in your brain.
And now, the ending. So much darkness. I liked what happened with Wyatt, I liked that Diane came back in the picture to screw up his thing with Gertrude. What happened at the party was pretty dark. The only thing I’d cut is maybe seeing Gertrude with Alan. Which is ironic, because I totally did the same thing in my script (put the love interest with the villain)… so maybe I just am struggling because it’s not what I wanted to have happen, even though it should. Hmm, see what others say. Anyway, I was even on board with after the party and the castration (although that’s going to be a difficult line to walk because as Colby becomes more relatable and likable it’ll be much more of a strange act). And Gertrude coming back after the castration felt like a big solid move too. All of this happened in such a flurry that I really was wondering what the hell was going to happen and it felt good and eventful. But…
The ending felt like a cop out. It wasn’t satisfying and I even questioned if it was done because you decided 140 pages were enough and you had to end it. I don’t think you can lead an audience up this path and then just have him die. So I feel the end needs to be reconsidered. Consider a happy ending, and a sad ending. But having him die is just a cop out.
Okay, and here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: I’m going to be looking for cuts the script can make. You can cut the kitchen scene it’s unnecessary. Also, there’s more of a comedic punch if you go right to the living room after the VO.
4: It’s nice fluffy dialogue right now, and amusing to funny. But on page 4 I feel like it’s getting repetitive. You’ve told this joke already and now it’s beating the horse dead. Maybe that’s the point of the scene. But it can be almost half the length and the jokes will hit harder.
6: Can we have a description of Jack? An idea on age, look. If he’s an imaginary figure in Colby’s head. I didn’t feel we needed it for Mom/Dad, cause they’re parents and this doesn’t feel like a film about parents, but even Tyler could do with a bit more description to help paint the picture.
7: Heh, I like the scene and how Tyler complains about people ignoring him while he ignores Colby. Kind of paints him as a hypocrite, with no friends and poor people skills.
8: Okay idea to show that Colby is loved by dogs, makes him kind of nice. A better idea would be to show the dog starving (or needing to crap) while his parents argue. Then Colby helps out by feeding/cleaning up after the dog and we see that the dog likes him and thought Colby may not be super successful he still serves a purpose and maybe he will be missed, plus it’s more of a nice act. Just an idea.
8: Need a period at the end of “Colby walks out”.
8: Just occurred to me how strange his cutting his pubes felt in the beginning, the rest of the humor so far feels way off. But perhaps it will come around.
10: Format is okay so far… but you can put FLASHBACK in the slugline. That’s standard.
10: Don’t quite get the dress action here. Make it clearer. Is she in a mini-skirt kind of dress, I don’t get how this happens.
11: Yup, Jack is definitely imaginary. (Fight Club in reverse)
11: I was kind of predicting in my head that she would be having sex with someone else. It’s kind of been done already, but that’s okay if we go in a new direction soon.
14: Okay. If he’s going to puke, sell it in the description. I want to hear that he’s literally blowing chunks all over her my little pony collection. At first I didn’t even know if this was literally puking even until the next page.
15: Not sure if this is intentional (probably is), but him referring to it as running away from home makes him sound a little like a brain damaged child. At this point I have limited sympathy for Colby.
19: Typo: around the towards the side of the house.”
20: Typo: “It’s really is kinda”
20: Jack seems kinda pointless. What would happen if you cut him out?
20: Typo: “RON sits in the back on the a laptop”
22: Nice twisting of the knife in terms of naked pictures of Diane.
24: A fake blow job? Why wouldn’t it be a real one?
26: Typo: “hits is pipe”. Give the script a read through looking for these. They’re not spelling errors, just wrong words. Happens all the time cause brains will take shortcuts when reading them.
28: Hey, Colby knows what projecting is. Shows he’s smarter than someone.
34: It’s just too much at this point. Colby is a sad sack, he’s been beaten up on repeatedly and he’s not likable. Need to rethink how the characters are introduced and how many scenes of his friends turning him away that you need.
36: Not sure why he’s suddenly invigorated. Not sure I’m buying it.
37: “Is that dead girl?” I think this is supposed to say “is that girl dead?” I do like that introduction though, something new.
38: Funny sentiment from Colby about heroes, but that dialogue block needs to be punchier.
41: “as well with the aid of his shoulder” reads funny.
44: Where are we? This corridor doesn’t say where, same with shower/bathroom. Are we in a hotel? A school? An office? No idea. The shower/bathroom is explained in dialogue a little later, but because of the corridor scene my mind is completely somewhere else so I’m picturing it wrong as a reader and that leads to a bump when the dialogue says something else.
53: Typo: “thinks your weird little pussy” – maybe “you’re a weird little pussy”?
54: Is that line supposed to be GERTRUDE or her MOM?
54: These characters seem to act more like they’re in their teens than their early twenties. But maybe that’s the point?
59: The scenes with Gertrude have spunk the them. Nice.
59: Typo: “I actually believe you for A second”
59: She really did have sex with a dog didn’t she. If so, bold move.
62: We really don’t need both VO and Jack. They’re both the same idea, giving Colby a way to talk when no one else is around. I think a bulk of it isn’t necessary as well.
65: Typo: Small stream blood
66: You could have him faint when he sees the blood? That’s more of a punch to end the scene than her pulling him inside.
74: What movie did they watch? I feel like I need some detail.
80: That was weird Colby talking to Jack while Gertrude is in the room.
83: Is he smart? For the most part he’s seemed dumb. Except maybe two instances now.
85: This church/school story feels a little weird. It makes Colby seem more like a jerk than anything else.
85: Hmm, more talk about dogs and bestiality… foreshadowing?
89: Heh, funny that Gertrude just says it out loud. She really is kind of socially awkward.
90: Ouch. That’s a gut punch. But kinda dark. I wish we would have set up Wyatt earlier though. All the characters just seem to come and go.
94: typo “Colby stand in the middle…”
94: Typo: “Mom shoves a piece of pizza in his mouth” – made me think he put it in Colby’s mouth.
95: Typo: “well, you need a some kind of”
98: Typo: “You’re argument” s/b your
100: Typo: “ not AT all seriously considering”
102: Typo: “just his time go” – Seriously not calling any more of these out. But it’s really distracting. This script needs a proof reading.
104: Why is “hook up means sex” in VO?
112: Uh, Gertrude flips away? Weird.
115: Colby singing these lines to himself really does nothing for me, it may be something to cut to save pages? But others may like it.
118: I like this as a moment for Colby to finally stand up for himself. But it doesn’t seem fully provoked. His disbelief about Colby/Diane is somewhat founded, and really he’s being kinda nice to him besides that.
126: It’s actually really sad to see things get fucked up and Gertrude to sleep with Alan. For a comedy this is fairly depressing at times.
129: And then it gets pretty pornographic… heh. As a comedy I’d like to see this taken kind of sillier even, otherwise it does feel a little off in tone.
134: Whoa, there’s a twist. Though it kind of makes sense.
137: And the twist back about Gertrude coming to him. Nice too.
139: And he dies. Okay. Not sure if this is satisfying as an ending. But interesting.
Overall this script has a lot of potential. In fact it’s bloated with potential right now, like there were just so many ideas that needed to get written down and they all did. But going back through the draft and cutting or combining repetitive ideas (character/dialogue) and finding out better ways to convey the characters arc (losing Jack/VO and going with events) will really help it to feel like a punchy story. Also focusing more on Colby, how we can relate, and his overall arc would really help to cement it down.
Thanks for the read! Best of luck with the suicidal castration comedy!
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A review of Buster (revised)by ProfRedSweater on 07/03/2012I’ve always been a fan of silent films, although my tastes were more for Chaplin over Keaton because I found Chaplin connected to his audience and the human condition better than Keaton, whose famous deadpan kept me at a distance. I felt a little bit that way with the script of “Keaton” as well, at a distance. At least for the first 72 pages, where I think a stronger goal... I’ve always been a fan of silent films, although my tastes were more for Chaplin over Keaton because I found Chaplin connected to his audience and the human condition better than Keaton, whose famous deadpan kept me at a distance. I felt a little bit that way with the script of “Keaton” as well, at a distance. At least for the first 72 pages, where I think a stronger goal and connection to Keaton might help us relate to him.
That said, I really truly enjoyed the story and it was as much a joy to read as anything I’ve encountered on Triggerstreet. Which accounts for my limited detailed notes. I also felt a little pang of sorrow and happiness at the end of the script, although I’m not sure if someone unfamiliar with Keaton would feel the same, and you may have to look to other reviews for that input.
Ok, all that said, I’m going to run through the elements and try to point out places where I thought things might be improved.
CONCEPT:
Well it’s a biopic, and it’s certain to draw a lot of comparisons to “Chaplin” from the 90s. The flashback structure for biopics is also getting a bit overdone right now, but I like the Twilight Zone twist to the script which keeps it a little fresher.
Ultimately I wonder if the TZ aspect goes too far. I don’t think this is trying to be a true sci-fi script and the helmet sticking to his hand seems to suggest that more is going on here than just reminiscing. You may consider toning down those aspects of it. I’d also suggest that TZ Buster should be less present near the end of the script. I found having this extra Buster hanging around robbed the scenes of some of their emotion. You could consider just swapping out the actual Buster with the TZ Buster (minus silly hat) or just keep him at a greater distance from the action. I wanted to really be there with Buster during these scenes but instead felt like I was watching the scene with the TZ Buster.
DIALOGUE:
Pretty spot on for me. Everyone seemed to have their own voice and I didn’t find that they spoke in a modern tongue. The only note I’d have is that Natalie’s sisters and mother all sounded a little too much the same in the bickering scene (the one before Keaton shows Natalie their new house) and that made for some confusion on the page.
CHARACTERS:
There’s a lot to like about Buster Keaton as written. I loved the way his deadpan was introduced and called back to as a coping mechanism. I loved his brief interactions with Chaplin. And I loved his decent into alcoholism. But despite Keaton’s onscreen presence, in a biopic you need to connect strongly to the main character, and I found that I didn’t do that for the first 72 pages. I’ve traced this back to his lack of clear goals.
Some goals are there, I think, but just not pronounced enough. I would suggest one goal would be his desire to make a feature film, but I never sense that true frustration and urgency to do so. What’s more, when he finally does do that in the film it’s glossed over. There’s no payoff. I’d love to see his glee at doing his first feature. The great success he gets with it (or not) and then for him to get comfortable only to have “The General” fail and then fall apart destroying his career. That goal and arc is so close in the script that I can taste it. I just need more passion for him early on. And a real buildup and payoff to his first feature in the script. I could be wrong (and maybe I am) but I don’t even remember acknowledging when he makes the first feature and the reaction it got. This could be a really strong arc for the character (with the ups of success, the failures, and then eventual acknowledgement of greatness for “The General”) and something we can relate to in his character. A major part of this story is his career and what it means (I think of a Hugo like moment in the end being possible) and it’s not fully realized on the page here.
A second goal has to be tied to his love life. It’s not just about Keaton the filmmaker, but also Keaton the human being. His relationship with Natalie intermingles with his career and leads to his downfall in both, only for his eventual redemption with Eleanor. But right now he seems a little indifferent to Natalie early on. His broken leg seems to be the only thing that makes him commit to her (for some reason), and I think we need more of this passion. We need him to not seem so defeated at the pool party towards her and then just sing to her about love (and then move to LA, etc, etc). But we need a real love story here. One for the ages, that eventually gets screwed up by his own flaws and her ties to her materialistic family. The elements are there. It just needs to be sold a little better early on. Let us know early that his goal in life is to love a woman who truly gets him, even if he gets diverted by the desire for sex. In fact, that could be a great established flaw early on if when he goes to have sex with Daisy he could already have a girl, but she doesn’t put out, then he goes for Daisy and loses them both as a result.
Just spitballing ideas. What it comes down to is that I need to know what Keaton wants and what his own roadblocks are to achieving it early on. In fishing around I can create my own, but they need to be sold harder.
The other characters in the script seemed to lack real depth. It’s not a terrible problem, as I think these are Keaton’s memories of them, so it may be okay that they all fill one role. There’s a lot of one-dimensional villains and on the flip side I think Eleanor is pretty much in the "good compassionate wife" role although she gives flashes of personality.
Still I would like to see just a bit more complexity to Natalie. Even though Eleanor is the woman who finally understands and fixes him, Natalie is the love interest of the film. And the audience needs to connect to her and understand her arc. Keaton can be the villain here. His actions turn her from the loving awkward girl in the first part, to the bitter woman who takes his kids from him, and that’s okay. His actions have done this and it makes him even more tragic and his redemption at the end even better.
This can be done by working more on the buildup to Natalie’s actions on page 69. She’s cut Buster off, but we haven’t really seen why. I mean he even gave her this big house, so right now she just kinda seems like a bitch. Sure, there’s the reference to his sleeping around, and we get a mention of the bootlegger five pages before. But we don’t see their marriage fall apart. We see her unhappy with the original house he built her, then boom, it’s over. More actions need to happen on screen to sell this arc.
STRUCTURE:
I thought the switching between TZ Buster and flashback scenes was handled well. They had nice transitions worked into them and didn’t intrude very often. There was a big jump to Buster married to Eleanor ten years later on page 104 that could be a bit smoother, but that’s nitpicking. I assume that when a year is specified in the slug line that it was mentioned in a Super? But that may be my mistaken assumption.
The only other comment on structure ties to the first act changing into the second. I can’t really identify that turning point. There’s no strong hook there that gets me. But I think that’s more because of Keaton’s goal issues early on and I’m sure addressing that will make this point clearer.
STORY:
Hmm, I’m not sure what to tackled here that I haven’t already. One thing I did note was that there wasn’t much drama until page 72. I thought we needed a few more big moments of challenges and triumphs. There may have been the hints of them there, but nothing I found impactful. I believe a lot of this could be because of the lack of goals to care about, and it would be resolved by playing up the first feature arc more.
One other comment I’m tossing in here, is that I would have like the alcoholism hinted at just a bit more in the first 72 pages. It’s great that you saw what it did to his Dad, and on page 72 it hits hard after being hinted at on page 64, but in the first part I can’t remember seeing him even hint at getting drunk. Searching back it seems like he only touched a cocktail at the pool party. But that arc needs to grow more in what we’re seeing. I know it was Natalie that turned him to alcoholism in some way, but with the history of his Dad it makes sense that that was always there, and I think we need one more example of that, even if he gets drunk “by mistake” when he’s younger and everyone thinks it’s funny. That would also give a nice contrast to him drunk later on the beach with all the hobos.
FORMAT/ETC.
I had some issues with the long paragraphs of action, especially early on. I felt like they should be broken up to really sell the moments and instead I was treated to these repeating three line paragraphs of dense action. This is probably more a personal preference, but I found that they made the script drag and felt unnatural. I thought they might be this way because of concerns of page count, but really that’s a little bit of a cheat, as I think a lot of these action blocks would take longer than the page time they’re given.
Also a lot of the slug lines seemed to get stranded on a previous page away from their first action line, which isn’t standard I believe.
Here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: Something about the “Inert on a table, the time-helmet prop” line bumps me. Like I should already know there is a time helmet prop in the scene. May want to smooth it out a bit.
3: I wouldn’t mind the paragraphs of Buster holding on the door jam and the doctor saving himself being broken up more to sell the action. Three paragraphs of three lines reads a bit blocky to me and doesn’t sell the action. I’m guessing page count was an issue with the script though. This is of course a minor comment, just about readability.
6: These big blocks of action don’t do the story justice. The moments really just plow together as short little sentences.
18: I like the script at this point, but I’m not sure the point. It’s giving his bio through a series of flashbacks, but I’d like to know what’s at stake, what we hope Buster learns, where is his big flaw that pursued him through life? His commitment to family? He left them just now.
18: The “Lou nudges Buster” should probably be broken into proper parenthetical form. (i.e. on its own line).
24: Slugline seems to have slipped up a page here. (same on 29. 39, 58, 61, etc)
39: Somewhere around this part I get the idea that this may be a love story between Natalie and Buster? That’s a good goal. Very Walk The Line.
42: No sure why Oddity is capitalized.
51: “Leave the tears to Chaplin.” So true. Also love the bit on 58.
60: “I surely wouldn’t let “it” happen a third time”?
64: We’ve seen a few hints of his alcoholism, but maybe not
94: How does Buster react to rock bottom here? Cry? Scream? Shrug? A little bit more specificity would be nice.
Overall I really enjoyed Buster’s story, and I think it’s ripe for being done as a film. However, to really get to the heart strings, as opposed to just a recollection of his life, we need to know about young Buster’s goals, which will help intensify the ups and downs as he succeeds and fails. Additionally giving a little more depth to the character of Natalie will not only make a supporting character stand out, but really help to paint a more complex Keaton and add to the tragedy and redemption of the story.
I hope you found this review useful. I liked the script a lot and would be willing to answer any questions you had to help clarify my comments. I'm a little exhausted right now, so it's entirely possible they're not completely coherent :) read -
A review of FRIGHTLANDby ProfRedSweater on 04/30/2012Frightland has a great setting and the start of a solid backstory, both of which would make it fit well into the slasher flick genre. However, after the intro the script starts too slow, and then never really pays off the killer’s backstory into anything more than a stream of meaningless murders. While a lot of horror flicks in the eighties could get by on that, today they... Frightland has a great setting and the start of a solid backstory, both of which would make it fit well into the slasher flick genre. However, after the intro the script starts too slow, and then never really pays off the killer’s backstory into anything more than a stream of meaningless murders. While a lot of horror flicks in the eighties could get by on that, today they have to be something more. Additionally, the formatting, grammar and sometimes clunky description really rob the script of a lot of its impact.
CONCEPT:
The idea of a slasher flick in an amusement park atmosphere is something of a standard, however I did like the backstory of the child murder and the satanic ritual. The script really struggles to capitalize on this backstory though. Not much is ever explained about who Agnus is, what the importance of the rituals was, and how or why that allows him to do these murders.
I’m not saying we need a huge insight or therapy session explaining the man, but he needs to be more. If a scene was added later in the script where someone stumbled on something revealing more about Agnus that would be great. Perhaps in his house? Or if they stumble on Hooper, who tells them about how he too was part of Agnus’ murders until he split up. Anything to really add another layer to the premise and make it more than meaningless kills strung together.
DIALOGUE:
There’s some decent exchanges between characters, but there’s also a lot of fat to the dialogue. It can be punchier in many ways (that I’ve detailed in my specific notes). Also there’s a problem with every character speaking the same way. Outside of Billy (who is a super d-bag) they all use similar slang and more or less sound the same.
Going back through with a keen eye to each character and really making them sound unique would be great. There aren’t really high expectations for characters in slasher flicks, but they usually at least stand out as stereotypes, like “the funny guy”.
CHARACTERS:
There’s really too many characters introduced straight away. That isn’t always a problem, but the bigger issue is that they all blend together and are never really established. I’m not sure who we’re supposed to care about, who we’re supposed to identify with, and as such I never really feel any terror or concern. They’re all just disposable body bags.
The way to fix this is to create a few characters who are likable, and have a flaw to relate to. MaKenna is likely the protagonist (if you want to use that term), but what do we know about her? She’s hot. That’s about it. I don’t sense that she’s really ambitious, and I don’t see her flaw or any real goal. Sure, it’s her goal to make a video, but only to get an A I think? I don’t sense that passion. There’s also no arc to her character or what she learns. I realize Slasher flicks don’t need this, but they’re so much better if they do have it.
I’d also suggest that the Koren/MaKenna relationship needs tweaking, at least early on. Koren hitting on her in front of K.C. feels a little ridiculous. There needs more subtlety there early on. It’ll make the characters more complex instead of hitting you over the head with it. Also MaKenna never really seems interested in Koren until they just basically get it on. A few inklings that she even likes girls might be nice.
Likewise with many of the other characters. I suggest going back and really looking at ways that they can be distinguished by their dialogue and their actions and work on giving at least one character an arc.
STRUCTURE:
I thought the intro worked well, and while a little long, it didn’t feel tedious. After that the first act felt a bit long. Specifically it feels like we don’t really start our intro to Frightland until page 30. And right before that we go to three different people asking where Jay has gotten off to. That feels repetitive, boring, and delays our intro to Frightland.
What I suggest is that you work two of those introductions (Libby and Lori Beth) into Jay’s walkaround. That will make us feel like we’re in the meat of the story faster and not just dragging our feet. Plus that will beef up Jay’s tour into something more than a montage. As a result I think the audience will get to the story earlier and get a better feeling like they’re learning the place.
I’d also suggest cutting down this first section a bit (eliminate some of the makeup artists! Combine them with others!) as right now I’d say page 38 is when we kick into the second act, as it’s the first time we see that Agnus is there and is still killing people. That’s too late to go into the second act and most horror fans will lose interest if there isn’t a murder sooner than that.
STORY:
The intro works well to set up the mood and create a memorable villain, however, part of thrill of these types of movies is the mystery. Is Agnus really killing people? Was he a bad guy or just misunderstood? What about that creepy guy Jay? Maybe it’s all an elaborate prank by the makeup department?
And a lot of that mystery is dispelled the first time we see a murder and it has magical qualities to it. I’d suggest pulling back the murders into less invisible weapons and more gruesome murders where maybe the person could have survived (check out April Fool’s Day). That’ll keep us guessing who the real murderer is. It’s a big change really, because the only thing making some murders unique is the invisible aspect, and also there’s a lot of manipulation of the environment that’d be hard to explain.
However, the invisibility and environment manipulation is never explained now, as Agnus is as much a mystery on page 1 as he is on 96. So if the murders are pulled back a bit, given a bit of mystery, and if there may be a logical explanation (Jay does run a maze and likes special effects), then it will keep the audience guessing longer. Then when there is a scene later on where we discover some backstory to Agnus we can really roll out the magical aspects.
What’s more, I’d also suggest against seeing Agnus’ face when he takes the baby. Leave the audience guessing if he’s really bad, or just, perhaps, mentally handicapped. Later that gives us another reveal, when it shows he is bad. I like the idea of Hooper being a part of this reveal, but it doesn’t have to be that.
Outside of that I did feel the ending kind of misfired. The added part of the kids going back feels unnecessary, and it gives no thrills or scares. We also already know that the park will keep running because Jay has got his way again. An ending shot of the patrons walking inside excited to visit frightland while we pull back to reveal the rocking chair on the porch would be a much better ending in my opinion.
Also, I may have missed this, but I thought MaKenna had been decapitated on page 87, but then she appeared again the next day to blow out her brains. I don’t know how this happened. I read over it many times and her head seems to be lying there next to Ian’s.
FORMAT/ETC.
As previously mentioned, there’s a lot of formatting issues as well as problems with unfilmables, unnecessary caps, and generally the writing style of the script is distracting to me. It’s true everyone has their own way of writing scripts, but it can be a lot more impactful if some of the fluff is cut out and it honed down. I go into that more with my detailed notes, which…
Here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: Frightland doesn’t need to be at the top of page 1, it’s not standard format.
1: Not sure about “Opening Fields”. Is that the name of the fields? If it’s just an opening shot on fields, you don’t need to call it opening, and it feels a little funny to start with that if it’s just the name of the fields.
1: Maybe a choice, but should fog-filled by hyphenated?
1: What is the symbol carved into the tree? If we’re going to see it, and it’s important, I’d like some idea. Like a swoop with a line through it, or whatever.
1: “ominous looking” trees” or “foreboding looking symbols” is kind of a cheat and a bit lazy. Instead, a “gnarled, contorted” tree gives that same impression of ominous, but really gives an image to the audience. These cheats are okay every now and then, so I won’t mention it again, but just something to think about.
1: “A perfect first home for two newlyweds” is a bit of an unfilmable, it’s not terrible, but it’s unnecessary. And honestly, I have no idea why a home in the middle of nowhere would be good for newlyweds. As a newlywed myself, it feels quite the opposite, and I can’t tell if the script is going for sarcasm.
1: Not a big deal, but I think the dialogue here could be punchier and also less on the nose. “Cause I’m really looking forward…” is a bit lazy. Instead she can express that idea with “In bed before midnight? Is it possible?” or something else.
2: Page numbers are cut off for some reason on the pdf.
2: “Totally into their intercourse” sounds kind of silly. Specifically the word intercourse.
2: Also, we don’t need “Meanwhile” or the BACK TO in this instance, and I don’t think this would count as CONTINUOUS in the slug line.
3: I’m finding some description clunky. Lines like “kneeling down to inspect this sight with a look of wonder of how this came about”. It’d be punchier just as. “He kneels down and looks at the glass with confusion”. Or maybe not that, but something.
4: Ok, last note on unfilmable-eque lines, but “a bit apprehensive now, although he stills sees no need to be.” Just doesn’t work. (also typo with stills)
4: “SUDDENLY,”. This should not be in the script. If you want abrupt, try going with “--"
5: Typo “go get her and bring here”
5: “Just then,” also has no place in this script. It would feel a lot more sudden without these notes.
5: The script is killing me with the “as she spots the worst possible sight she could ever see” and “unlike very few ever heard”.
7: Remove “Little While Later”. If you need to, put it in place of NIGHT on the slugline below.
7: I’ve seen “these X” very often, like “these woods” on this page. “The woods” is better in these situations.
7: You use “some sort” repeatedly here, it’s distracting and feels lazy.
8: A camera doesn’t pan upwards, it tilts upwards and pans left/right.
8: “pardon the phrase” is really distracting, and all the side comments on character motivations (like “almost unaffected by the wrath coming his way”) really rob this scene from any punch.
GLOBAL: I’m going to stop commenting on formatting and scriptwriting technique from here on out, a lot of the previous mistakes are repeated, and mentioning them each time is pulling me out of the story.
9: A random story note. But think about how the script would change if we hadn’t seen Angus’ face in the baby’s room. It would possibly make him more menacing, and also would give a little hint of mystery. Not saying it should be done, but may be interesting.
13: “To see um off”, I get that it’s going with Bud’s style of speaking, but it feels off and like a typo when included in the description lines.
14: Not proper formatting for a montage.
15: Flashes “its” lights. Not “it’s”
16: Not sure if it’s the point, but the conversation between MaKenna and Officer Todd is really hammy. Which is fine if that’s the point.
20: “as this someone…” doesn’t quite make sense.
21: Cameras don’t PAN DOWN. Also, some people may not like the referencing of cameras, it doesn’t feel necessary how it’s been used, so it may be best to exclude it if you can.
21: I think a line of dialogue was mistakenly put as description. “ask them in there…”
22: How are the statues weird? I’d like to know more specifics.
22: Really a dialogue block shouldn’t end with a parenthetical. Split it out into it’s own action line.
25: Huh, they’re film students? Didn’t realize that, they were portrayed more as news reporters, unless I missed something early on. But that should perhaps be clearer.
25: This looking for Jay seems incredibly repetitive. They’ve gone to 3 places now and I don’t know what we’ve gotten from each place that is necessary. It feels more like treading water and trying to fill scripts. I’d suggest cutting it down to one interaction as I’d get bored if watching it by this point of the film.
26: Bob is that point where I feel like too many characters have been introduced, and they mostly feel unnecessary. Maybe I’m wrong on that, but they need more effort to make them distinct.
27: Shaun? I thought the makeup artist was Robert? There’s two of them? Why do we need so many characters? I assume it’s for a bloodbath later on, but I don’t care about any of them.
30: Parentheticals are out of control. Most of them should be separate action or aren’t needed (for instance the “about Angus Greene” line).
31: Ok, what’s with this. Hooper is the only one in town from when Greene was alive? But we’ve heard several other people talk about knowing him! (Like Joann just two pages later, and so many others!) What am I missing?
33: Another issue with dialogue in the action line.
34: Again on page 34.
35: Hmm, is Jay having Bob plan to do some fake scares on MaKenna/Ian to build up the interest in the park and make more money? Just a guess.
36: This is one too many musical montages for so short in the script. Think about eliminating one, drawing less attention to it, or try a different technique.
37: Caps for “SOMEONE APPROACHES HIM FROM BEHIND” is unnecessary.
39: It feels a little creepy that Ian is lusting after Lori Beth. She seems really young in the description, and I don’t know why, but he feels older.
41: I don’t know if these people are supposed to be Delaware natives. But I lived in Delaware. I also lived in Texas, and some of these accents are far more Texan.
43: “usually always”, makes the character sound stupid, not sure if that’s the point.
48: This “Greene was innocent” line doesn’t really play since we saw him kill the newlyweds. If you don’t show that in the opening scene I think it will be a lot more effective though.
55: “Or someone I should say”, this bumps the reader out of the story.
61: s/b going at “it”
62: “there’s gonna trouble” s/b “gonna be trouble” also “when Jay trusted ‘us’ here after hours”
65: “We split from Ian…” dialogue on an action line.
66: Why does Beth call Billy “Brad” here? Typo?
67: Ian punches Billy to the floor, but we get no comment about it from him the rest of the page. There needs to at least by a physical reaction by Billy. Like a glare.
68: “looking to in a minute” s/b “too”
68: Not sure if it matter, but “she could of gotten lost” s/b “she could have gotten lost”, unless Ian is intentionally supposed to sound less intelligent.
69: “goes threw a cut” s/b through
73: Parentheticals with dialogue now?
75: Being more specific with the scares Lori Beth hits in the haunted barn would really help to convey the mood, it just feels underdeveloped right now.
76: Weird formatting to a new line with “Is still looking at her…”
76: “Loved ones of someone”? Pretty vague and how are we to know this? Give a description instead.
77: Please tell “me” that’s a fake.
81: Passes out? That seems really out of character for MaKenna.
85: Nice twist here of MaKenna killing Ian.
88: Shouldn’t be that extra space before the parenthetical.
91: So I thought MaKenna was decapitated on page 87… now she blew her head off. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m giving it a chance. (Ok, having read to the end, I don’t get it. She was decapitated, but then not?)
92: “wanna really wanna”
96: Cut the last part with the kids coming back, it really serves no purpose, it’s much more powerful to end on the coverup.
Overall I found that Frightland has promise, but the first act needs tightening up, the ending needs cutting back, and there needs to be more attention given to the character’s arcs and making them unique. After that a good proofreading will really help to not distract the reader from a fun little slasher flick that has a creepy backstory and plenty of blood.
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Submissions by ProfRedSweater
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a screenplay by ProfRedSweaterGenres: comedy
A eunuch in a small town Texas high school must figure out what it means to be a man.
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a screenplay by ProfRedSweaterGenres: horror, mystery/suspense
In a future where suicides are epidemic, Charlotte monitors a bridge for jumpers, but not everyone stays gone.
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a screenplay by ProfRedSweaterGenres: comedy
A eunuch in a small town Texas high school must figure out what it means to be a man.
Reviews by ProfRedSweater 53
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A review of Long Time Jerkby ProfRedSweater on 02/01/2013Hello, and welcome to the depressed, suicidal, castration, dog referencing comedy genre! I tackled that a while back with “What Happened to Billy’s Balls?”. It’s a tough road to climb, and you have my sympathies for all the people who just don’t see the humor in that. Anyway, there’s some good ideas in “Long Time Jerk”, but I think it needs some honing down and focusing...
Hello, and welcome to the depressed, suicidal, castration, dog referencing comedy genre! I tackled that a while back with “What Happened to Billy’s Balls?”. It’s a tough road to climb, and you have my sympathies for all the people who just don’t see the humor in that. Anyway, there’s some good ideas in “Long Time Jerk”, but I think it needs some honing down and focusing to get the story really firing. I’m going to try and outline what I liked about the script and then places where I think it needs work. I also list my notes/thoughts as I’m reading through the script so you can see inside a reader’s mind as they’re experiencing your story. Well kind of. That sounded weird.
What I Like (I don’t go into too many details on this):
- The dialogue flowed well and there were lots of gems and fun moments hidden throughout. It really made the read go a lot easier than you’d expect from a 140 page script.
- Gertrude’s introduction is out of the blue, but the character is great, and her and Colby’s relationship is probably my favorite part of the story. It’s a little childish, but I like how these loner/losers both find a partner in each other.
- The plot churns nicely at the end, lots of events happen and the story isn’t afraid at going into different directions, even if the audience may not want to go there.
- I liked the scene with Wyatt and how it both shows this last beacon of hope for Colby and his old world of friends, and then tears it apart. It was painful, but felt true.
- The general idea and execution of Colby getting kicked out of his home/running away was kind of neat. I’d like to have seen more details about his time on the street, and less about his friends, but it’s a good setup for a comedy.
What Needs Work:
I’ll start easy. The typos/grammatical errors. There’s a lot of them in there. It’s hard because when you read a script you start to scan and your brain will fill in holes and make sense of lines, but it really needs a proofreading as they’re quite distracting.
Next, let’s hit that elephant in the room. The length. Bad news, it’s way too long and that becomes a burden. Good news, I think there’s a lot of ways to fix that.
- Consider cutting out Jack and/or the VO. Not just for length, but it also feels unnecessary. It’s kind of like you have all these funny one liners for the moment, but no one for Colby to deliver them to. Or sometimes it’s just an update on what Colby is thinking at the moment. But with rare exception it doesn’t advance the plot. Sorry to say, it also feels like lazy writing. Events and Colby’s reaction are what can reveal his progression. We don’t need him to say out loud he has feelings for Gertrude. We know that already. Here’s an idea: Cut Jack/VO. But have Colby meat a crazy old man who lives in the forest. Let him talk to him if he needs to at the end of the days, and you can create some really funny scenes out of this depending how far you go. How crazy is he? Is he just a warning of what Colby could be? And perhaps at first Colby seems to like his lifestyle? Does the crazy guy become like a spurned lover when Colby’s not around? There’s a lot of opportunities depending on the tone of the humor.
- Trim down that dialogue to save space. Some of the scenes go on for too long and hammer variations of the same jokes to death. I get that there’s a lot of funny things that can happen in the scenes, but they don’t all need to happen. The opening scene with the parents is a perfect example. An audience will love you more if you get in, make only the best jokes and then get out.
- Combine Colby’s friends/acquaintances into fewer characters. Diane, Gertrude, Alan are important characters (if not exactly “friends”). But Sam, Adam (+group) and even Tyler all kind of occupy the same space. In the beginning Colby runs round to all of these friends and we get slight variations on the same scene. It’s unnecessary and boring. For instance, why aren’t Alan and Tyler the same person? At worst it’s a little too convenient. At best it gives us another reason to hate Alan (cause he’s the perfect kid that his parents love) and it makes Diane’s sleeping with him even worse. What point does Sam have at all? To show he can somehow help some friend out, but not really? It doesn’t do much. Cut him. Then make Adam his only real friend, who isn’t actually his friend.
While I’m on the subject. Reference Wyatt earlier on. Make him this idealized friend from perceived better times (high school). Have them reference how Adam/Wyatt and him used to hang out earlier or something. Set him up so that when we go and visit him it has a big build up, which makes the let down even better.
Moving on to Colby. He’s just too pitiful right now. As he’s written, he’s lazy, boring, the wrong kind of weird, and doesn’t seem smart (or maybe he is, I can’t tell). That’s a hard character to root for. Honestly, I felt like he got most of what he deserved. He needs to come across more as a good guy in some way early on. I gave a suggestion below, but I think it needs more than that. What makes him so great and relatable? Maybe he had dreams when he was younger to do something, but some event made it so he couldn’t? He’s got to have something though, and it’s a significant problem now.
There’s also problems with Colby’s arc. He has a slow romantic build up (consider speeding this up as well, it feels repetitive), and then he kind of stands up to Adam at the party (but I don’t know if he was provoked enough there), but there’s not enough in between and I don’t know what his flaw is (besides being a wuss and weird, needs to be more specific) and how he’s confronting that.
A note on comedic identity. I find it a little all over the place in this film. Him trimming his pubes and cutting himself feels really out of sync from the next 30 pages. There’s other moments too that feel similarly disjointed, it’s just something to be aware about. But humor is so personal that no one can really tell you what you want the comedy to be.
For the dialogue, it did feel a tad generic at times. Playful and amusing, but I wanted more specific jokes as opposed to banter. Random examples from the opening scene. The better than ice cream or pizza was good, but better would be better than Chunky Monkey ice cream. Or instead of “parent of a retarded child or a murderer” really think what type of murderer. Maybe not the best examples, but everywhere just think how words can be more specific so they really stick in your brain.
And now, the ending. So much darkness. I liked what happened with Wyatt, I liked that Diane came back in the picture to screw up his thing with Gertrude. What happened at the party was pretty dark. The only thing I’d cut is maybe seeing Gertrude with Alan. Which is ironic, because I totally did the same thing in my script (put the love interest with the villain)… so maybe I just am struggling because it’s not what I wanted to have happen, even though it should. Hmm, see what others say. Anyway, I was even on board with after the party and the castration (although that’s going to be a difficult line to walk because as Colby becomes more relatable and likable it’ll be much more of a strange act). And Gertrude coming back after the castration felt like a big solid move too. All of this happened in such a flurry that I really was wondering what the hell was going to happen and it felt good and eventful. But…
The ending felt like a cop out. It wasn’t satisfying and I even questioned if it was done because you decided 140 pages were enough and you had to end it. I don’t think you can lead an audience up this path and then just have him die. So I feel the end needs to be reconsidered. Consider a happy ending, and a sad ending. But having him die is just a cop out.
Okay, and here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: I’m going to be looking for cuts the script can make. You can cut the kitchen scene it’s unnecessary. Also, there’s more of a comedic punch if you go right to the living room after the VO.
4: It’s nice fluffy dialogue right now, and amusing to funny. But on page 4 I feel like it’s getting repetitive. You’ve told this joke already and now it’s beating the horse dead. Maybe that’s the point of the scene. But it can be almost half the length and the jokes will hit harder.
6: Can we have a description of Jack? An idea on age, look. If he’s an imaginary figure in Colby’s head. I didn’t feel we needed it for Mom/Dad, cause they’re parents and this doesn’t feel like a film about parents, but even Tyler could do with a bit more description to help paint the picture.
7: Heh, I like the scene and how Tyler complains about people ignoring him while he ignores Colby. Kind of paints him as a hypocrite, with no friends and poor people skills.
8: Okay idea to show that Colby is loved by dogs, makes him kind of nice. A better idea would be to show the dog starving (or needing to crap) while his parents argue. Then Colby helps out by feeding/cleaning up after the dog and we see that the dog likes him and thought Colby may not be super successful he still serves a purpose and maybe he will be missed, plus it’s more of a nice act. Just an idea.
8: Need a period at the end of “Colby walks out”.
8: Just occurred to me how strange his cutting his pubes felt in the beginning, the rest of the humor so far feels way off. But perhaps it will come around.
10: Format is okay so far… but you can put FLASHBACK in the slugline. That’s standard.
10: Don’t quite get the dress action here. Make it clearer. Is she in a mini-skirt kind of dress, I don’t get how this happens.
11: Yup, Jack is definitely imaginary. (Fight Club in reverse)
11: I was kind of predicting in my head that she would be having sex with someone else. It’s kind of been done already, but that’s okay if we go in a new direction soon.
14: Okay. If he’s going to puke, sell it in the description. I want to hear that he’s literally blowing chunks all over her my little pony collection. At first I didn’t even know if this was literally puking even until the next page.
15: Not sure if this is intentional (probably is), but him referring to it as running away from home makes him sound a little like a brain damaged child. At this point I have limited sympathy for Colby.
19: Typo: around the towards the side of the house.”
20: Typo: “It’s really is kinda”
20: Jack seems kinda pointless. What would happen if you cut him out?
20: Typo: “RON sits in the back on the a laptop”
22: Nice twisting of the knife in terms of naked pictures of Diane.
24: A fake blow job? Why wouldn’t it be a real one?
26: Typo: “hits is pipe”. Give the script a read through looking for these. They’re not spelling errors, just wrong words. Happens all the time cause brains will take shortcuts when reading them.
28: Hey, Colby knows what projecting is. Shows he’s smarter than someone.
34: It’s just too much at this point. Colby is a sad sack, he’s been beaten up on repeatedly and he’s not likable. Need to rethink how the characters are introduced and how many scenes of his friends turning him away that you need.
36: Not sure why he’s suddenly invigorated. Not sure I’m buying it.
37: “Is that dead girl?” I think this is supposed to say “is that girl dead?” I do like that introduction though, something new.
38: Funny sentiment from Colby about heroes, but that dialogue block needs to be punchier.
41: “as well with the aid of his shoulder” reads funny.
44: Where are we? This corridor doesn’t say where, same with shower/bathroom. Are we in a hotel? A school? An office? No idea. The shower/bathroom is explained in dialogue a little later, but because of the corridor scene my mind is completely somewhere else so I’m picturing it wrong as a reader and that leads to a bump when the dialogue says something else.
53: Typo: “thinks your weird little pussy” – maybe “you’re a weird little pussy”?
54: Is that line supposed to be GERTRUDE or her MOM?
54: These characters seem to act more like they’re in their teens than their early twenties. But maybe that’s the point?
59: The scenes with Gertrude have spunk the them. Nice.
59: Typo: “I actually believe you for A second”
59: She really did have sex with a dog didn’t she. If so, bold move.
62: We really don’t need both VO and Jack. They’re both the same idea, giving Colby a way to talk when no one else is around. I think a bulk of it isn’t necessary as well.
65: Typo: Small stream blood
66: You could have him faint when he sees the blood? That’s more of a punch to end the scene than her pulling him inside.
74: What movie did they watch? I feel like I need some detail.
80: That was weird Colby talking to Jack while Gertrude is in the room.
83: Is he smart? For the most part he’s seemed dumb. Except maybe two instances now.
85: This church/school story feels a little weird. It makes Colby seem more like a jerk than anything else.
85: Hmm, more talk about dogs and bestiality… foreshadowing?
89: Heh, funny that Gertrude just says it out loud. She really is kind of socially awkward.
90: Ouch. That’s a gut punch. But kinda dark. I wish we would have set up Wyatt earlier though. All the characters just seem to come and go.
94: typo “Colby stand in the middle…”
94: Typo: “Mom shoves a piece of pizza in his mouth” – made me think he put it in Colby’s mouth.
95: Typo: “well, you need a some kind of”
98: Typo: “You’re argument” s/b your
100: Typo: “ not AT all seriously considering”
102: Typo: “just his time go” – Seriously not calling any more of these out. But it’s really distracting. This script needs a proof reading.
104: Why is “hook up means sex” in VO?
112: Uh, Gertrude flips away? Weird.
115: Colby singing these lines to himself really does nothing for me, it may be something to cut to save pages? But others may like it.
118: I like this as a moment for Colby to finally stand up for himself. But it doesn’t seem fully provoked. His disbelief about Colby/Diane is somewhat founded, and really he’s being kinda nice to him besides that.
126: It’s actually really sad to see things get fucked up and Gertrude to sleep with Alan. For a comedy this is fairly depressing at times.
129: And then it gets pretty pornographic… heh. As a comedy I’d like to see this taken kind of sillier even, otherwise it does feel a little off in tone.
134: Whoa, there’s a twist. Though it kind of makes sense.
137: And the twist back about Gertrude coming to him. Nice too.
139: And he dies. Okay. Not sure if this is satisfying as an ending. But interesting.
Overall this script has a lot of potential. In fact it’s bloated with potential right now, like there were just so many ideas that needed to get written down and they all did. But going back through the draft and cutting or combining repetitive ideas (character/dialogue) and finding out better ways to convey the characters arc (losing Jack/VO and going with events) will really help it to feel like a punchy story. Also focusing more on Colby, how we can relate, and his overall arc would really help to cement it down.
Thanks for the read! Best of luck with the suicidal castration comedy!
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A review of Buster (revised)by ProfRedSweater on 07/03/2012I’ve always been a fan of silent films, although my tastes were more for Chaplin over Keaton because I found Chaplin connected to his audience and the human condition better than Keaton, whose famous deadpan kept me at a distance. I felt a little bit that way with the script of “Keaton” as well, at a distance. At least for the first 72 pages, where I think a stronger goal... I’ve always been a fan of silent films, although my tastes were more for Chaplin over Keaton because I found Chaplin connected to his audience and the human condition better than Keaton, whose famous deadpan kept me at a distance. I felt a little bit that way with the script of “Keaton” as well, at a distance. At least for the first 72 pages, where I think a stronger goal and connection to Keaton might help us relate to him.
That said, I really truly enjoyed the story and it was as much a joy to read as anything I’ve encountered on Triggerstreet. Which accounts for my limited detailed notes. I also felt a little pang of sorrow and happiness at the end of the script, although I’m not sure if someone unfamiliar with Keaton would feel the same, and you may have to look to other reviews for that input.
Ok, all that said, I’m going to run through the elements and try to point out places where I thought things might be improved.
CONCEPT:
Well it’s a biopic, and it’s certain to draw a lot of comparisons to “Chaplin” from the 90s. The flashback structure for biopics is also getting a bit overdone right now, but I like the Twilight Zone twist to the script which keeps it a little fresher.
Ultimately I wonder if the TZ aspect goes too far. I don’t think this is trying to be a true sci-fi script and the helmet sticking to his hand seems to suggest that more is going on here than just reminiscing. You may consider toning down those aspects of it. I’d also suggest that TZ Buster should be less present near the end of the script. I found having this extra Buster hanging around robbed the scenes of some of their emotion. You could consider just swapping out the actual Buster with the TZ Buster (minus silly hat) or just keep him at a greater distance from the action. I wanted to really be there with Buster during these scenes but instead felt like I was watching the scene with the TZ Buster.
DIALOGUE:
Pretty spot on for me. Everyone seemed to have their own voice and I didn’t find that they spoke in a modern tongue. The only note I’d have is that Natalie’s sisters and mother all sounded a little too much the same in the bickering scene (the one before Keaton shows Natalie their new house) and that made for some confusion on the page.
CHARACTERS:
There’s a lot to like about Buster Keaton as written. I loved the way his deadpan was introduced and called back to as a coping mechanism. I loved his brief interactions with Chaplin. And I loved his decent into alcoholism. But despite Keaton’s onscreen presence, in a biopic you need to connect strongly to the main character, and I found that I didn’t do that for the first 72 pages. I’ve traced this back to his lack of clear goals.
Some goals are there, I think, but just not pronounced enough. I would suggest one goal would be his desire to make a feature film, but I never sense that true frustration and urgency to do so. What’s more, when he finally does do that in the film it’s glossed over. There’s no payoff. I’d love to see his glee at doing his first feature. The great success he gets with it (or not) and then for him to get comfortable only to have “The General” fail and then fall apart destroying his career. That goal and arc is so close in the script that I can taste it. I just need more passion for him early on. And a real buildup and payoff to his first feature in the script. I could be wrong (and maybe I am) but I don’t even remember acknowledging when he makes the first feature and the reaction it got. This could be a really strong arc for the character (with the ups of success, the failures, and then eventual acknowledgement of greatness for “The General”) and something we can relate to in his character. A major part of this story is his career and what it means (I think of a Hugo like moment in the end being possible) and it’s not fully realized on the page here.
A second goal has to be tied to his love life. It’s not just about Keaton the filmmaker, but also Keaton the human being. His relationship with Natalie intermingles with his career and leads to his downfall in both, only for his eventual redemption with Eleanor. But right now he seems a little indifferent to Natalie early on. His broken leg seems to be the only thing that makes him commit to her (for some reason), and I think we need more of this passion. We need him to not seem so defeated at the pool party towards her and then just sing to her about love (and then move to LA, etc, etc). But we need a real love story here. One for the ages, that eventually gets screwed up by his own flaws and her ties to her materialistic family. The elements are there. It just needs to be sold a little better early on. Let us know early that his goal in life is to love a woman who truly gets him, even if he gets diverted by the desire for sex. In fact, that could be a great established flaw early on if when he goes to have sex with Daisy he could already have a girl, but she doesn’t put out, then he goes for Daisy and loses them both as a result.
Just spitballing ideas. What it comes down to is that I need to know what Keaton wants and what his own roadblocks are to achieving it early on. In fishing around I can create my own, but they need to be sold harder.
The other characters in the script seemed to lack real depth. It’s not a terrible problem, as I think these are Keaton’s memories of them, so it may be okay that they all fill one role. There’s a lot of one-dimensional villains and on the flip side I think Eleanor is pretty much in the "good compassionate wife" role although she gives flashes of personality.
Still I would like to see just a bit more complexity to Natalie. Even though Eleanor is the woman who finally understands and fixes him, Natalie is the love interest of the film. And the audience needs to connect to her and understand her arc. Keaton can be the villain here. His actions turn her from the loving awkward girl in the first part, to the bitter woman who takes his kids from him, and that’s okay. His actions have done this and it makes him even more tragic and his redemption at the end even better.
This can be done by working more on the buildup to Natalie’s actions on page 69. She’s cut Buster off, but we haven’t really seen why. I mean he even gave her this big house, so right now she just kinda seems like a bitch. Sure, there’s the reference to his sleeping around, and we get a mention of the bootlegger five pages before. But we don’t see their marriage fall apart. We see her unhappy with the original house he built her, then boom, it’s over. More actions need to happen on screen to sell this arc.
STRUCTURE:
I thought the switching between TZ Buster and flashback scenes was handled well. They had nice transitions worked into them and didn’t intrude very often. There was a big jump to Buster married to Eleanor ten years later on page 104 that could be a bit smoother, but that’s nitpicking. I assume that when a year is specified in the slug line that it was mentioned in a Super? But that may be my mistaken assumption.
The only other comment on structure ties to the first act changing into the second. I can’t really identify that turning point. There’s no strong hook there that gets me. But I think that’s more because of Keaton’s goal issues early on and I’m sure addressing that will make this point clearer.
STORY:
Hmm, I’m not sure what to tackled here that I haven’t already. One thing I did note was that there wasn’t much drama until page 72. I thought we needed a few more big moments of challenges and triumphs. There may have been the hints of them there, but nothing I found impactful. I believe a lot of this could be because of the lack of goals to care about, and it would be resolved by playing up the first feature arc more.
One other comment I’m tossing in here, is that I would have like the alcoholism hinted at just a bit more in the first 72 pages. It’s great that you saw what it did to his Dad, and on page 72 it hits hard after being hinted at on page 64, but in the first part I can’t remember seeing him even hint at getting drunk. Searching back it seems like he only touched a cocktail at the pool party. But that arc needs to grow more in what we’re seeing. I know it was Natalie that turned him to alcoholism in some way, but with the history of his Dad it makes sense that that was always there, and I think we need one more example of that, even if he gets drunk “by mistake” when he’s younger and everyone thinks it’s funny. That would also give a nice contrast to him drunk later on the beach with all the hobos.
FORMAT/ETC.
I had some issues with the long paragraphs of action, especially early on. I felt like they should be broken up to really sell the moments and instead I was treated to these repeating three line paragraphs of dense action. This is probably more a personal preference, but I found that they made the script drag and felt unnatural. I thought they might be this way because of concerns of page count, but really that’s a little bit of a cheat, as I think a lot of these action blocks would take longer than the page time they’re given.
Also a lot of the slug lines seemed to get stranded on a previous page away from their first action line, which isn’t standard I believe.
Here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: Something about the “Inert on a table, the time-helmet prop” line bumps me. Like I should already know there is a time helmet prop in the scene. May want to smooth it out a bit.
3: I wouldn’t mind the paragraphs of Buster holding on the door jam and the doctor saving himself being broken up more to sell the action. Three paragraphs of three lines reads a bit blocky to me and doesn’t sell the action. I’m guessing page count was an issue with the script though. This is of course a minor comment, just about readability.
6: These big blocks of action don’t do the story justice. The moments really just plow together as short little sentences.
18: I like the script at this point, but I’m not sure the point. It’s giving his bio through a series of flashbacks, but I’d like to know what’s at stake, what we hope Buster learns, where is his big flaw that pursued him through life? His commitment to family? He left them just now.
18: The “Lou nudges Buster” should probably be broken into proper parenthetical form. (i.e. on its own line).
24: Slugline seems to have slipped up a page here. (same on 29. 39, 58, 61, etc)
39: Somewhere around this part I get the idea that this may be a love story between Natalie and Buster? That’s a good goal. Very Walk The Line.
42: No sure why Oddity is capitalized.
51: “Leave the tears to Chaplin.” So true. Also love the bit on 58.
60: “I surely wouldn’t let “it” happen a third time”?
64: We’ve seen a few hints of his alcoholism, but maybe not
94: How does Buster react to rock bottom here? Cry? Scream? Shrug? A little bit more specificity would be nice.
Overall I really enjoyed Buster’s story, and I think it’s ripe for being done as a film. However, to really get to the heart strings, as opposed to just a recollection of his life, we need to know about young Buster’s goals, which will help intensify the ups and downs as he succeeds and fails. Additionally giving a little more depth to the character of Natalie will not only make a supporting character stand out, but really help to paint a more complex Keaton and add to the tragedy and redemption of the story.
I hope you found this review useful. I liked the script a lot and would be willing to answer any questions you had to help clarify my comments. I'm a little exhausted right now, so it's entirely possible they're not completely coherent :) read -
A review of FRIGHTLANDby ProfRedSweater on 04/30/2012Frightland has a great setting and the start of a solid backstory, both of which would make it fit well into the slasher flick genre. However, after the intro the script starts too slow, and then never really pays off the killer’s backstory into anything more than a stream of meaningless murders. While a lot of horror flicks in the eighties could get by on that, today they... Frightland has a great setting and the start of a solid backstory, both of which would make it fit well into the slasher flick genre. However, after the intro the script starts too slow, and then never really pays off the killer’s backstory into anything more than a stream of meaningless murders. While a lot of horror flicks in the eighties could get by on that, today they have to be something more. Additionally, the formatting, grammar and sometimes clunky description really rob the script of a lot of its impact.
CONCEPT:
The idea of a slasher flick in an amusement park atmosphere is something of a standard, however I did like the backstory of the child murder and the satanic ritual. The script really struggles to capitalize on this backstory though. Not much is ever explained about who Agnus is, what the importance of the rituals was, and how or why that allows him to do these murders.
I’m not saying we need a huge insight or therapy session explaining the man, but he needs to be more. If a scene was added later in the script where someone stumbled on something revealing more about Agnus that would be great. Perhaps in his house? Or if they stumble on Hooper, who tells them about how he too was part of Agnus’ murders until he split up. Anything to really add another layer to the premise and make it more than meaningless kills strung together.
DIALOGUE:
There’s some decent exchanges between characters, but there’s also a lot of fat to the dialogue. It can be punchier in many ways (that I’ve detailed in my specific notes). Also there’s a problem with every character speaking the same way. Outside of Billy (who is a super d-bag) they all use similar slang and more or less sound the same.
Going back through with a keen eye to each character and really making them sound unique would be great. There aren’t really high expectations for characters in slasher flicks, but they usually at least stand out as stereotypes, like “the funny guy”.
CHARACTERS:
There’s really too many characters introduced straight away. That isn’t always a problem, but the bigger issue is that they all blend together and are never really established. I’m not sure who we’re supposed to care about, who we’re supposed to identify with, and as such I never really feel any terror or concern. They’re all just disposable body bags.
The way to fix this is to create a few characters who are likable, and have a flaw to relate to. MaKenna is likely the protagonist (if you want to use that term), but what do we know about her? She’s hot. That’s about it. I don’t sense that she’s really ambitious, and I don’t see her flaw or any real goal. Sure, it’s her goal to make a video, but only to get an A I think? I don’t sense that passion. There’s also no arc to her character or what she learns. I realize Slasher flicks don’t need this, but they’re so much better if they do have it.
I’d also suggest that the Koren/MaKenna relationship needs tweaking, at least early on. Koren hitting on her in front of K.C. feels a little ridiculous. There needs more subtlety there early on. It’ll make the characters more complex instead of hitting you over the head with it. Also MaKenna never really seems interested in Koren until they just basically get it on. A few inklings that she even likes girls might be nice.
Likewise with many of the other characters. I suggest going back and really looking at ways that they can be distinguished by their dialogue and their actions and work on giving at least one character an arc.
STRUCTURE:
I thought the intro worked well, and while a little long, it didn’t feel tedious. After that the first act felt a bit long. Specifically it feels like we don’t really start our intro to Frightland until page 30. And right before that we go to three different people asking where Jay has gotten off to. That feels repetitive, boring, and delays our intro to Frightland.
What I suggest is that you work two of those introductions (Libby and Lori Beth) into Jay’s walkaround. That will make us feel like we’re in the meat of the story faster and not just dragging our feet. Plus that will beef up Jay’s tour into something more than a montage. As a result I think the audience will get to the story earlier and get a better feeling like they’re learning the place.
I’d also suggest cutting down this first section a bit (eliminate some of the makeup artists! Combine them with others!) as right now I’d say page 38 is when we kick into the second act, as it’s the first time we see that Agnus is there and is still killing people. That’s too late to go into the second act and most horror fans will lose interest if there isn’t a murder sooner than that.
STORY:
The intro works well to set up the mood and create a memorable villain, however, part of thrill of these types of movies is the mystery. Is Agnus really killing people? Was he a bad guy or just misunderstood? What about that creepy guy Jay? Maybe it’s all an elaborate prank by the makeup department?
And a lot of that mystery is dispelled the first time we see a murder and it has magical qualities to it. I’d suggest pulling back the murders into less invisible weapons and more gruesome murders where maybe the person could have survived (check out April Fool’s Day). That’ll keep us guessing who the real murderer is. It’s a big change really, because the only thing making some murders unique is the invisible aspect, and also there’s a lot of manipulation of the environment that’d be hard to explain.
However, the invisibility and environment manipulation is never explained now, as Agnus is as much a mystery on page 1 as he is on 96. So if the murders are pulled back a bit, given a bit of mystery, and if there may be a logical explanation (Jay does run a maze and likes special effects), then it will keep the audience guessing longer. Then when there is a scene later on where we discover some backstory to Agnus we can really roll out the magical aspects.
What’s more, I’d also suggest against seeing Agnus’ face when he takes the baby. Leave the audience guessing if he’s really bad, or just, perhaps, mentally handicapped. Later that gives us another reveal, when it shows he is bad. I like the idea of Hooper being a part of this reveal, but it doesn’t have to be that.
Outside of that I did feel the ending kind of misfired. The added part of the kids going back feels unnecessary, and it gives no thrills or scares. We also already know that the park will keep running because Jay has got his way again. An ending shot of the patrons walking inside excited to visit frightland while we pull back to reveal the rocking chair on the porch would be a much better ending in my opinion.
Also, I may have missed this, but I thought MaKenna had been decapitated on page 87, but then she appeared again the next day to blow out her brains. I don’t know how this happened. I read over it many times and her head seems to be lying there next to Ian’s.
FORMAT/ETC.
As previously mentioned, there’s a lot of formatting issues as well as problems with unfilmables, unnecessary caps, and generally the writing style of the script is distracting to me. It’s true everyone has their own way of writing scripts, but it can be a lot more impactful if some of the fluff is cut out and it honed down. I go into that more with my detailed notes, which…
Here are my detailed notes I took while reading the script…
1: Frightland doesn’t need to be at the top of page 1, it’s not standard format.
1: Not sure about “Opening Fields”. Is that the name of the fields? If it’s just an opening shot on fields, you don’t need to call it opening, and it feels a little funny to start with that if it’s just the name of the fields.
1: Maybe a choice, but should fog-filled by hyphenated?
1: What is the symbol carved into the tree? If we’re going to see it, and it’s important, I’d like some idea. Like a swoop with a line through it, or whatever.
1: “ominous looking” trees” or “foreboding looking symbols” is kind of a cheat and a bit lazy. Instead, a “gnarled, contorted” tree gives that same impression of ominous, but really gives an image to the audience. These cheats are okay every now and then, so I won’t mention it again, but just something to think about.
1: “A perfect first home for two newlyweds” is a bit of an unfilmable, it’s not terrible, but it’s unnecessary. And honestly, I have no idea why a home in the middle of nowhere would be good for newlyweds. As a newlywed myself, it feels quite the opposite, and I can’t tell if the script is going for sarcasm.
1: Not a big deal, but I think the dialogue here could be punchier and also less on the nose. “Cause I’m really looking forward…” is a bit lazy. Instead she can express that idea with “In bed before midnight? Is it possible?” or something else.
2: Page numbers are cut off for some reason on the pdf.
2: “Totally into their intercourse” sounds kind of silly. Specifically the word intercourse.
2: Also, we don’t need “Meanwhile” or the BACK TO in this instance, and I don’t think this would count as CONTINUOUS in the slug line.
3: I’m finding some description clunky. Lines like “kneeling down to inspect this sight with a look of wonder of how this came about”. It’d be punchier just as. “He kneels down and looks at the glass with confusion”. Or maybe not that, but something.
4: Ok, last note on unfilmable-eque lines, but “a bit apprehensive now, although he stills sees no need to be.” Just doesn’t work. (also typo with stills)
4: “SUDDENLY,”. This should not be in the script. If you want abrupt, try going with “--"
5: Typo “go get her and bring here”
5: “Just then,” also has no place in this script. It would feel a lot more sudden without these notes.
5: The script is killing me with the “as she spots the worst possible sight she could ever see” and “unlike very few ever heard”.
7: Remove “Little While Later”. If you need to, put it in place of NIGHT on the slugline below.
7: I’ve seen “these X” very often, like “these woods” on this page. “The woods” is better in these situations.
7: You use “some sort” repeatedly here, it’s distracting and feels lazy.
8: A camera doesn’t pan upwards, it tilts upwards and pans left/right.
8: “pardon the phrase” is really distracting, and all the side comments on character motivations (like “almost unaffected by the wrath coming his way”) really rob this scene from any punch.
GLOBAL: I’m going to stop commenting on formatting and scriptwriting technique from here on out, a lot of the previous mistakes are repeated, and mentioning them each time is pulling me out of the story.
9: A random story note. But think about how the script would change if we hadn’t seen Angus’ face in the baby’s room. It would possibly make him more menacing, and also would give a little hint of mystery. Not saying it should be done, but may be interesting.
13: “To see um off”, I get that it’s going with Bud’s style of speaking, but it feels off and like a typo when included in the description lines.
14: Not proper formatting for a montage.
15: Flashes “its” lights. Not “it’s”
16: Not sure if it’s the point, but the conversation between MaKenna and Officer Todd is really hammy. Which is fine if that’s the point.
20: “as this someone…” doesn’t quite make sense.
21: Cameras don’t PAN DOWN. Also, some people may not like the referencing of cameras, it doesn’t feel necessary how it’s been used, so it may be best to exclude it if you can.
21: I think a line of dialogue was mistakenly put as description. “ask them in there…”
22: How are the statues weird? I’d like to know more specifics.
22: Really a dialogue block shouldn’t end with a parenthetical. Split it out into it’s own action line.
25: Huh, they’re film students? Didn’t realize that, they were portrayed more as news reporters, unless I missed something early on. But that should perhaps be clearer.
25: This looking for Jay seems incredibly repetitive. They’ve gone to 3 places now and I don’t know what we’ve gotten from each place that is necessary. It feels more like treading water and trying to fill scripts. I’d suggest cutting it down to one interaction as I’d get bored if watching it by this point of the film.
26: Bob is that point where I feel like too many characters have been introduced, and they mostly feel unnecessary. Maybe I’m wrong on that, but they need more effort to make them distinct.
27: Shaun? I thought the makeup artist was Robert? There’s two of them? Why do we need so many characters? I assume it’s for a bloodbath later on, but I don’t care about any of them.
30: Parentheticals are out of control. Most of them should be separate action or aren’t needed (for instance the “about Angus Greene” line).
31: Ok, what’s with this. Hooper is the only one in town from when Greene was alive? But we’ve heard several other people talk about knowing him! (Like Joann just two pages later, and so many others!) What am I missing?
33: Another issue with dialogue in the action line.
34: Again on page 34.
35: Hmm, is Jay having Bob plan to do some fake scares on MaKenna/Ian to build up the interest in the park and make more money? Just a guess.
36: This is one too many musical montages for so short in the script. Think about eliminating one, drawing less attention to it, or try a different technique.
37: Caps for “SOMEONE APPROACHES HIM FROM BEHIND” is unnecessary.
39: It feels a little creepy that Ian is lusting after Lori Beth. She seems really young in the description, and I don’t know why, but he feels older.
41: I don’t know if these people are supposed to be Delaware natives. But I lived in Delaware. I also lived in Texas, and some of these accents are far more Texan.
43: “usually always”, makes the character sound stupid, not sure if that’s the point.
48: This “Greene was innocent” line doesn’t really play since we saw him kill the newlyweds. If you don’t show that in the opening scene I think it will be a lot more effective though.
55: “Or someone I should say”, this bumps the reader out of the story.
61: s/b going at “it”
62: “there’s gonna trouble” s/b “gonna be trouble” also “when Jay trusted ‘us’ here after hours”
65: “We split from Ian…” dialogue on an action line.
66: Why does Beth call Billy “Brad” here? Typo?
67: Ian punches Billy to the floor, but we get no comment about it from him the rest of the page. There needs to at least by a physical reaction by Billy. Like a glare.
68: “looking to in a minute” s/b “too”
68: Not sure if it matter, but “she could of gotten lost” s/b “she could have gotten lost”, unless Ian is intentionally supposed to sound less intelligent.
69: “goes threw a cut” s/b through
73: Parentheticals with dialogue now?
75: Being more specific with the scares Lori Beth hits in the haunted barn would really help to convey the mood, it just feels underdeveloped right now.
76: Weird formatting to a new line with “Is still looking at her…”
76: “Loved ones of someone”? Pretty vague and how are we to know this? Give a description instead.
77: Please tell “me” that’s a fake.
81: Passes out? That seems really out of character for MaKenna.
85: Nice twist here of MaKenna killing Ian.
88: Shouldn’t be that extra space before the parenthetical.
91: So I thought MaKenna was decapitated on page 87… now she blew her head off. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m giving it a chance. (Ok, having read to the end, I don’t get it. She was decapitated, but then not?)
92: “wanna really wanna”
96: Cut the last part with the kids coming back, it really serves no purpose, it’s much more powerful to end on the coverup.
Overall I found that Frightland has promise, but the first act needs tightening up, the ending needs cutting back, and there needs to be more attention given to the character’s arcs and making them unique. After that a good proofreading will really help to not distract the reader from a fun little slasher flick that has a creepy backstory and plenty of blood.
read -
A review of The True Evilby ProfRedSweater on 03/13/2012“The True Evil” has a nice pace, with major events happening frequently and changing up the story and providing new information, it never felt tedious from a story perspective. However, the characters too often feel like stereotypes which isn’t helped by dialogue that lacks subtlety and style. Additionally there seem like many logic issues with the script where people say... “The True Evil” has a nice pace, with major events happening frequently and changing up the story and providing new information, it never felt tedious from a story perspective. However, the characters too often feel like stereotypes which isn’t helped by dialogue that lacks subtlety and style. Additionally there seem like many logic issues with the script where people say things that aren’t supported. Unfortunately there are also major formatting and grammatical errors in the script that need fixing and will turn away most readers and need some serious attention.
CONCEPT:
I enjoyed the way the mystery unfolded in the script, and the idea of a criminal who can convince people to kill themselves. There was also a nice reveal later on about James knowing about the cop the entire time, and in retrospect maybe that explains some of his actions.
But while the mystery is good, I felt as though the answers weren’t quite as solid. For instance, Oliver plotting against the girls because naked pictures of him were sent around the school? That doesn’t seem like it goes far enough to warrant his reaction. Especially when you compare it to Mary/Brett’s story where she’s raped and it’s covered up. I love the parallelisms between these two stories (in the cover-ups), but hers seems so much more traumatic. I think the story could really benefit from amping up what these girls did to Oliver.
I also didn’t really buy that these girls would kill themselves just for turning in their friends. Maybe I have no heart, but while I see that action being hard to live with, I don’t think it would be suicide level bad. Maybe I’m alone on that, see what other readers think.
DIALOGUE:
There’s some issues with the flow of the dialogue, and I suggest reading the lines out loud for that to eliminate the clunky ones, but a bigger issue is the lack of subtlety. Look at James’ big block of dialogue on page 11. He just spurts out his entire backstory and motivation in a blunt, unrealistic manner. It’s good to let an audience know who your characters are and how they got there, but there has to be subtlety to how they speak. Also, I bet the audience could piece together most of what he says from the rest of the scene, so this also amounts to over-explanation.
Overall I think the dialogue needs a major rehaul. Try to make it more distinct, less on the nose, and trust the audience to pick up the emotions and relationships between the characters. I’m looking at page 16 “She’s only been on the force a few months, but she shows promise.” That reads too much like a character description and lacks personality. If James really needs to tell Dan who Megan is here, think about “She’s green, but she makes a good cup of coffee, so she’ll probably be Captain one day.” Or not that exactly, but something with more style and less blunt.
CHARACTERS:
The cop characters are all a little bit stereotypes and that’s unfortunate. The Gruff Detective with family issues because he overcomits to work? The smart, logical Asian analyst? The Black by-the-books Captain? The young eager Detective? I’ve seen those all before, and outside of James I think the others never grow out of those stereotypes. That’s unfortunate, and I’d really look to make them more unique by their actions and dialogue. Also maybe avoid the racial stereotypes, or mix it up a bit.
James is weird, he seems like a crappy cop and a poor father for the bulk of the film, and as a result I really don’t respect him or even like him that much… but I started to think at the end that maybe that’s the point? Is he the real villain of the film? Maybe, he certainly hasn’t behaved ethically. If I may suggest. Either make him more likeable and show his pursuit of Oliver better. Or, make the traumatic event the girls did to Oliver better, so that in the end the audience will feel for Oliver a bit more. Right now I kind of feel stranded about halfway through where I don’t really like anyone enough to identify with them.
Jennifer is kind of snotty, but when she laughs at “Rebecca always did whatever I told her to do”, it makes me kind of hate her. She just got her friend kidnapped, and that’s her response? Instead if she hung her head low when she said it we’d feel sorry for her, which is far more powerful. Just a small note.
With the villain, just a thought, but do you need to say it’s a man on page 35? Keeping that gender neutral may help keep the mystery going. I’d also like to see more description for the mask to know what we’re seeing. Is it a pig mask like is Saw? A Shatner mask like in Halloween? It’s an important detail.
STRUCTURE:
The structure is a real strong part, and that’s a really good thing to have right. Dialogue can be tweaked, formatting fixed, but the frame to hang it on is sometimes the hardest part to fix. I really liked how major events seemed to happen so frequently.
There’s a great start to the mystery on page 6, hooks us in with this pile of belongings, I also love how it develops on page 14 with these being objects that went missing throughout the months leading up to the kidnapping. Then Cindy reappearing on page 30 pushes it in a nice new direction and her committing suicide right after. After that Jennifer shows up at the station, which keeps everything moving. Throughout this there’s nice hints at the Oliver’s history that keeps me interested.
The climax with the reveal of James’ knowledge and of Jennifer being kidnapped is decent, but I really got a little turned off by all the montages. Which may actually just be a formatting issue.
STORY:
I felt a little cheated by the ending, but like I said, the montage format really distracted me from getting into it. Still, while the thematic ending made a lot of sense (and I loved the reveals of how each girl helped kidnap the others), I wanted more action at the end. There’s no physical confrontation, just a message on a TV/letter and a dead daughter. So the great final conflict kind of fizzled out. What I expected, and what may work better, is if James finds Oliver at the warehouse and is somehow put in a situation where either Jennifer of James must decide the other person’s fate. I’d like to see James decide to take his own life and not let Jennifer finger him, that would still be a dark ending, but it might give James some redemption and also complete his story a little bit better.
There’s a few problems where I feel like police protocol isn’t followed. Like James picking up the letter and walking out of the scene around page 20. Also James doesn’t always seem the quickest, and his reaction to Harold’s single kidnapper theory seems wrong. Or at least I don’t buy it. And James disregarding the letters easily? That seems foolish and unprofessional. Although I’m also not sure why Harold thinks it’s a revenge crime, but whatever. Then James discounts what Dr. Sklar tells him later? Is he the worst cop ever? Every piece of evidence he gets he seems to ignore, which makes me wonder what detective work he’s actually doing.
Also, why would James and Megan go to an NYU Office building, isn’t it out of their jurisdiction? And also a tad inefficient when they have phones? I actually realized at this point that I had no idea where we’re based. What’s more, the campus police office is closed? That doesn’t make much sense, or at least it isn’t explained in a way that I believe it. It feels like a writer’s device to delay action and create suspense (which is fine), but it’s done in such an unnatural way that it bumps me.
Other logic issues:
- 52: How do we know the kidnapper won’t go after Jennifer on the same night? That seems underexplained, and not only is James a terrible cop, he’s a beyond terrible father here, and kind of a bad human being for sending his daughter home like this.
- 64: A revenge case, still? Really? There’s nothing to suggest that, and with Oliver’s approach with Mary/Brett it seems quite the opposite. I get that in the end it is a revenge case but Harold needs to make his point better.
- 70: Weird thought, pictures of Oliver naked are probably considered child pornography, slipping them into newspapers? That’s a serious crime and maybe takes the teasing to a weird level.
- 85: James’ gun is left on the table? Really?
- 95: Did we ever see James giving information to Jennifer? I think that’s what it’s implying here.
FORMAT/ETC.
As I said, formatting is a big issue with the script. It’s a sad truth, but unless a spec-script matches the standard it isn’t going to be taken seriously. I’d suggest picking up Trottier’s Bible and following that. It’s a comprehensive book that should answer all your questions. Also if you’re not already, I suggest getting Final Draft, as it makes most formatting easy. A few specific notes.
- The title page doesn’t count as page #1, so page 2 here is actually page 1.
- FADE IN comes before the slug line and is followed by a colon.
- Dialogue should never be split from one page to another where the person’s name (OFFICER 1) is orphaned on the first page. Additionally if dialogue carries over it should have a MORE/CONT’D between the two.
- General rule, but wrylies (like “attempting to be vigilantly (sic), but looking bored”) should be only used when absolutely necessary (it isn’t necessary here, and in most places) and try to keep them to one line and not wrapping down to the one below. Also, avoid using “beat”. It’s more a term for a stageplay, although there’s some wiggle room on that.
- In a slug line everything should be caps (looking at “several hours later” on page 4)
- You don’t need to break out everything into a subheading (like page 9 with DESK), this can be distracting and should be used only when essential. Again, this has wiggle room.
- There’s also a lot of unnecessary words in the actions. Looking at page 12, “James grabs a chair, sits down and beings speaking informally”. The begins speaking informally isn’t necessary, and isn’t in the moment of the script. We’ll see that all in a second and description like that should be cut.
- I also think the dialogue might extend to far to the right margin?
- The montage formatting is way off and very distracting.
There’s also lots of grammatical and spelling errors in the script. It needs to have a really detailed proofreading given to it, spellcheck won’t catch everything. Like on page 4. It says police offers instead of police officers. On page 23, it’s stalking not stocking. Also be careful in slug lines with all caps (page 7, ENTRENCE WAY, later on BRUNETTER).
Overall I think “The True Evil” has promise. It’s got a great churning of events, but needs a punch up on the dialogue, a good proofreading and format check, and then a few other tweaks to make it flow. After that some more attention can be given to our main character, his arc, and how the audience is supposed to feel about him. As well as amping up several of the story elements to make Oliver’s actions seem more justified.
At least that’s what I took away from the script, hopefully you find it helpful, but every reader is different, and in the end you need to write the story you want to write. read -
A review of Exhumeby ProfRedSweater on 02/04/2012Wow, so this is a new situation for me. I really enjoyed reading “Exhume” but I’m just not sure where to put it. I wouldn’t really call it a horror, and I think that tag on TS gave me the wrong preconceived notion. It’s more of a fantasy drama I think. But it is a horror at time, as well as a comedy (both which can be in fantasy/drama respectively). It also felt very much... Wow, so this is a new situation for me. I really enjoyed reading “Exhume” but I’m just not sure where to put it. I wouldn’t really call it a horror, and I think that tag on TS gave me the wrong preconceived notion. It’s more of a fantasy drama I think. But it is a horror at time, as well as a comedy (both which can be in fantasy/drama respectively). It also felt very much like a play as opposed to a film in some elements, and I could really see it being effective if it was put on for stage. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but it reminded me a little of “Heavenly Creatures”.
CONCEPT:
The setup of a family that loses their mother and how they deal with it is a familiar one. There’s a lot of similarities here to the setup of Super 8 for instance. But the fantasy aspect gives it a new flavor. I also really like the idea that the character buried his dreams when he gets married and then he starts pulling them all back out after this major life event where his wife died.
It’s all played with well, but a concern I have is that we never learn why both Morton and Cade were able to see these dead dreams. That’s one reason the film feels a tad unsatisfying at the ending. The big mystery early on is “who are these people Morton keeps pulling from the backyard, and where did they come from?” and it never really gets answered. Funny enough, aspects like this feel fine on a stageplay, and perhaps are part of what contribute to it feeling that way. But in a film I think this needs to be answered with some kind of logic. I unfortunately have no suggestion on how to do that. Maybe have the cheerleader say something about how him or his son allowed it to happen by being in such a depressed mental state? Ugh, not sure on that. It may work. Phrasing would be key, but I do think that it needs addressing at some point.
DIALOGUE:
I found the dialogue pretty solid all the way around. There were lots of good one liners, and the entire interaction between Morton and the Cheerleader worked great. The secondary pit people characters felt a little one note, but that’s okay. There were also some really good moments where a character would go one way and then say something that would dispel what they had just said. Not sure if that’s clear, I specify a few of those moments in my notes below.
CHARACTERS:
I liked how the character were set up and developed. Especially Morton, who had this nice protective nature over Cade without actually giving him any love early on. It makes him a complex and therefore more involving character. Cade was good too. I had a little problem early on when I didn’t get that he was supposed to be smarter than his age, and so his way of speaking bumped me. I think the reason I thought he wasn’t as smart was that he’s carrying around a kids book in the first act. Not sure if there’s much that can be done about that though.
I didn’t really get Kenny at first, holding such anger over $50 seemed like weak motivation. But it was really a nice subtle stroke of brilliance to have him up it to $100 when he came back. That made me see it wasn’t about the money, it was about torturing Cade.
In terms of the pit people, I really loved the interaction between the Cheerleader and Morton. It was fun, funny and totally worked. Like I said, the others were a bit of a stereotype, but they still felt fun, and I appreciated that lightheartedness.
So here’s the big issue I have with characters though. I felt unsure over who the main character was, or to be clearer, who I was supposed to be identifying with. It may still be okay, but I feel like with these stories you should have one character you can get on board with and connect to for the emotional ride. Early on I thought that was Cade, because he reads the book over the intro and then we get a big scene with him observing Jim and then dealing with Kenny. I really thought it would be a story about how Cade deals with his Dad. Then around page 12 or so I got the impression that it was Morton’s story, we were supposed to identify with him. And that stood up until page 45 when I felt like we reconnected with Cade again until page 54. But it kind of fluctuates after that a bit when Morton and Cade are BBQing and I’m left unsure.
Looking at arcs I think this is Morton’s story. He’s the one who changes, and I think that’s who we have to identify with. To achieve this it might be enough to play with opening scene at the funeral. Maybe to show Morton hiding in the bathroom before we go to the party outside in the house and give him a little action of talking to someone through the door (just saying “occupied” might be enough). The books another issue, I’ll get to that later.
STRUCTURE:
The characters were set up well. At page 15 you introduced the arm, and then Morton kind of commits to digging her up. I’d say that the introduction of the Cheerleader (fully exhumed) is where we kick into the second act, but there’s an issue with Morton. He keeps refusing the call for too long (page 44?) and it prevents the audience from really fully getting on board as well.
Yeah, I’m getting a little heroes journey on it here. But I find it hard to talk about structure without acknowledging this. Anyway, I think if Morton wasn’t so wishy-washy about digging up the other bodies then it might work a little better as we just meander into act 2 right now.
STORY:
I initially wrote a note that said “more horror” earlier. But I don’t think this is really a horror (like I said), so instead if I look at it like a fantasy I have to also look at the story of the squirrel book. It never really feels works for me. A few reasons why 1) we abandon that aspect of the story from page 2 to 62, which is too long. And 2) I thought Dash was supposed to be a substitute for Cade not Morton up until the point where we found out that Dash had a son (page 87).
The first part is easy to fix, just add in one more aspect of the squirrel story around page 30. But the second part is harder. I started to wonder if Dash being the father was a reveal, but I don’t think that works. And this might be another aspect that makes identifying the main character difficult. Honestly, I think you could cut the entire squirrel story. Or at least Cade really it early on (having his mother reading it is fine). But if we can identify Dash as the father then that might actually tie into the story well.
I’ve talked about the ending feeling unsatisfying because we never get an answer to the mystery about these pit people actually being real. But another problem I had is that we never really learn who’s to blame for the Mother’s death. Was she crazy? She certainly didn’t seem that way when reading to Cade. But it’s pretty extreme to kill yourself just to make your son and husband reconnect. Was the father just a bastard? We hinted at him quitting his job, but we never really found out everything about that too.
I guess what I’m hoping for is a little more insight into Morton’s relationship with his wife. Or even clarity into what exactly happened. That’s another big mystery opened up on the first page (why would this woman take her life?) and I don’t feel it ever gets a real answer.
Have you considered having the demon (another unanswered element of the script, who is he? The devil?) turn into the mother at the end and then reveal some of these answers? It might be powerful for him to have to confront his dead wife as opposed to just some generic devil character.
FORMAT/ETC.
Big formatting issue, there’s no page numbers at the top of each page! This makes it really hard to write specific notes, but is also standard format. Fortunately it’s an easy fix in any screenwriting format. Also, I’m not sure why parts of the script are italicized, I don’t really see that as part of standard formatting, and it never seems necessary.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
1: I get that this is all just sounds, not sure it needs to be italicized, I haven’t seen that as standard format. In most scripts
1: In contrast, I’m not sure if the children’s book is supposed to be spoken out loud (by Cade?) or if we’re supposed to see that text. Are pages turning here? If not I have a concern that not enough is going on screen for the first minute or so.
1: Along those lines, I think opening up with a death is a great way to start a script (I’ve done it in both of my horror films), and while no audio could be effective, it also doesn’t attach us quite as much to the characters. Even if we faded in after the shot and saw the outline of a body and the kid looking at the body, that could let us register some connection with the kid. Just a thought though, I think it can also work as is. Though not sure the reason why we’re not seeing it.
3: whoa, just realized there’s no page numbers. This’ll make these notes a little more difficult.
4: “How about I call him…” s/b a question mark at the end.
4: There’s something great about the way Jim is introduced. You think he really does have something important, then find out it’s some bullshit game. Says a lot about his relationship with Mort. Great job!
5: Also like the way Kenny is introduced. With his lame excuse as to why the vase broke. Too close to the wall? What?
6: Again with Jim “two weeks of his life”, it’s great, every time I think he’s got some sincere comment, it turns out to be bs.
8: Hmm, weird thing with Cade’s line about “idiot cousin… etc” He sounds older than his age indicates.
9: Again with the mousetrap race line. Something about this makes him seem older… or maybe he’s supposed to sound older than his age. I’ll adjust my take on him the rest of the way. (I see on page 12 that he’s supposed to be smarter, ignore last two comments then)
12: “Good on your skin.”, just a note, but this makes me think he has a skin condition. Is it supposed to mean not good on his hands which is blistered? Rephrasing might feel more natural if that’s the case.
13: The description on this page feels excessive. I don’t feel like it’s building tension, just for some reason shots of dishes and a table, etc. Making these lines less detailed and more punchy might be a good idea.
14: Nice. The arm thing is a good turn here at about the right point in the script structurally. My only concern is that while there has been some good character development so far, there hasn’t been much horror yet. But this scene does a good job with it.
18: Weird note, but I’d expect Morton’s flashlight to be on already. It seems strange that he wouldn’t do it until then.
19: Heh, ok. I’m not sure if this is the intention, but the hand puppet and gesturing of the hand is a little funny. Kind of like Evil Dead 2 funny. I wondered if Henrietta was a reference to ED2 as well. Perhaps so. (Oh, heh, I just realized that your handle is Raimi’s Ash, ok. Gotcha now.)
22: A nice thing though, Cheerleader has gone from funny to kind of menacingly funny. It’s definitely not the tone of the script I expected, but I’m enjoying it after all of the funeral moping.
24: An extra line here revealing how the Cheerleader shows the bottom of her bra when Morton drops the beer might be really nice. It would make the beer drop make more sense and also give a little bit more to that sexual tension. (I’ve really enjoyed this entire interaction by the way).
30: Weird note, whenever I have blisters I find that hot water makes it hurt a lot more as opposed to soothing it. I’d probably wince in the shower. But maybe that’s just me.
33: “nickers’ interesting, a very British word, but this script felt American, with references to baseball and such. In the interest of keeping the reader geographically in place I suggest you change it to ‘panties” or something American.
34: So, I just realized that I felt like this was Cade’s story early on, but we haven’t seen him in a while. That feels odd to me, but perhaps I need to reevaluate who the protagonist is.
37: Another note. I’ve assumed that the Cheerleader is his wife, she seems to reference it just as well with the “naked a billion times” and the “that’s a dumb question” (to if he knew her). Is the audience not supposed to know that all along? It’s weird regardless if the audience is in on something that the main character doesn’t know, yet should be more obvious to him than to us.
38: The horror tone is weird, but I like the end to this scene here with “And we’ll see you” it’s still playful, but also creepy.
40: Taking a stab in the dark here. The astronaut represents Morton’s dreams of success at a kid that he buried and forgot about.
41: Don’t know if the wrylies of “looks at Astronaut” and “Back at Morton” is necessary here. I think the line would flow better without them.
42: …or maybe not. No idea what Lincoln is about (maybe his desire to be president?). Regardless it’s pretty funny. I certainly wasn’t expecting that. You mention dead skin though. How much of zombies are these? I pictured the cheerleader as being young and undecayed. Is Lincoln decomposing? Maybe be important to put that in his initial description.
47: Is the woman’s scream from the hole in the ground. I thought so at first, but then it looks like he’s looking for the woman back in the house?
48: hmm, so definitely think that these aspects are all part of Morton’s dreams for life, but it’s interesting that Cade sees them too, that’s a big reveal here. Morton can’t just be crazy.
50: I don’t know if you need a new scene heading here. You’re kind of just intercutting between the two rooms anyway.
51: “Shut up and taste this” I like that line
60: Interesting twist here. Just as Morton and Cade are coming together this incident pushes them apart. The characters do a good way of zigging one way and then zagging another.
61: So does Cade narrate this one as well? It said that the first time but not here. I’m a little confused as to how/why this fits into the story.
63: nice line of “there’s nothing else down there you want to see” it builds suspense and after the cheerleader’s earlier line about getting them all out, it makes us realize it may not just be foolish digging, but something dangerous.
65: Not buying Kenny’s motivation over money, but the fact that he increased the amount makes it maybe less important. Just that Kenny likes torturing Cade.
65: This doesn’t need to be italicized.
68: Uh, that’s twisted with Kenny’s line “It was the best.” Love it.
69: I think “five to six feet deep” is repeated twice here for some reason?
71: Do you mean literally “black buttons for eyes”? If so, that’s a little too much like Coraline, and I’d suggest changing it.
73: That quote might be a bit long. Asking an audience to sit and read something long like that is a good way to kill tension. Maybe have Morton read it instead?
77: s/b “Too dark to see” not too the second time.
79: Okay, actually some good horror here. But it’s been lacking before. Really hard to categorize this story.
81: “Your not Kenny” s/b “you’re”
82: “don’t be such a dick” good line. Funny, but menacing.
82: Hmm, “naked ladies on the Internet.” That’s a funny line, but I don’t know if humor is the right emotion to give to the audience right now. It might be best to go another direction and keep it feeling sincere without humor.
82: Blood might be a bit too much, it makes me think Cade’s dead not unconscious. The audience isn’t going to register that “He is out cold” line. (unless we’re supposed to think he’s dead)
87: Weird, I may have missed it. But I never pictured Dash as being old enough to have a child. He seemed like a kid. Maybe set up that he had a family earlier? Unless, like I said I missed it.
91: Hmm, ending isn’t quite satisfying or it feels rushed. As opposed to cutting directly to Morton playing in the pool maybe if there were a few descriptions of the house repaired and bright, with some relevant images in a picture frame and then we see outside that the kids are in the pool.
Overall “Exhume” is filled with such a fun energy and great character interactions that I enjoyed the ride, and that counts for so much. But I think more attention needs to be given to the mysteries. We need answers to why these pit people are appearing to Morton, Cade and Kenny. We also need answers to why Morton’s wife would kill herself and who is to blame for it. Outside of that, just a minor refocusing on Morton as the main character and I think this script could really get to the next level. Good job! I hope these comments were helpful! read -
A review of HAWAIIANSTEINby ProfRedSweater on 01/10/2012“Hawaiianstein” is a detective story chocked full of atmosphere and colorful personalities, that maximizes its location and helps usher us into a unique world. I think of it as “Dylan Dog” meets “Magnum P.I.”. However, despite some solid plot progressions, I felt like the mystery progression just wasn’t progressing as well, and it lead to a hurtling ending that jumbled motivations... “Hawaiianstein” is a detective story chocked full of atmosphere and colorful personalities, that maximizes its location and helps usher us into a unique world. I think of it as “Dylan Dog” meets “Magnum P.I.”. However, despite some solid plot progressions, I felt like the mystery progression just wasn’t progressing as well, and it lead to a hurtling ending that jumbled motivations and left an unsatisfied taste in my mouth.
CONCEPT:
Like I said, the atmosphere is great here, and our tarnished hero fits right in. I like how he’s a man in a deep drink-fueled spiral down to the pits. He may have been something once, but now he’s just getting cheap satisfaction off of sneaking a peek at some girls toes. His redemption is worth watching, and the world of meth addicts and strippers kind of goes into that entire “satisfying base urges to distract you from your problems” mentality.
One thing with the strippers. It feels like a bit much after a while. Specifically the strippers freezing mid-sexual act in the apartment, that really pushes it. Because of this by the time we get to Tina in the sex club it’s really all feeling indulgent, like a T&A show that is just using a flimsy plotline for excuses to get women naked. I know this ties in to a theme, specifically Satin’s speech at the end. But It really needs toning back a little to avoid that Zombie Strippers senseless indulgence. I’d suggest not showing the girls pleasuring each other in that scene. It’s gratuitous, especially for a comedy. Instead make it fun. Have the girls covered in whip cream, or something sillier and more original ideally. Maybe cut out a few lap dances here (because there’s a ton of them in the story). One added result of this is that then when you cut to Tina as a stripper it will actually have an impact instead of just “oh look, another girl taking her clothes off”.
Anyway, the first 15 pages set up the story pretty nicely, giving Sonny a strong call to action and setting up the redemption story. It definitely made me want to read more.
DIALOGUE:
The dialogue is such a mix for me. On the one side, it’s incredibly specific at times, and I can’t think of a situation where people just bluntly say something without an injection o personality. So that’s really quite good, and to be commended. But on the other side there are some real issues with flow at times.
Too often I found myself unsure about why people were saying what they were saying. It didn’t feel like a direct response to the previous line, and it caused me to feel like I was lost and that I missed something. It’s possible I did on some cases, but I also would read back and see what I was missing. I made detail notes of this below. Some of it may have been generic pronouns I suppose, but the dialogue really needs cleaning up to flow a bit better.
Additionally I’m going to discuss Zig and Louie here and their religious discussion. I understand that this religious angle is an important theme to the story. But Zig and Louie (despite taking different sides) talk almost identically and it really lessens the impact and causes me to just glaze over. They’re personalities need to come across more in the way they talk, not just in the content of it. As written now they are very annoying in that it all feels like basic freshman pseudo-intellectual bs. On the flip, I was happy when Sonny called them out for being annoying.
CHARACTERS:
Outside of Zig/Louie, most of the characters were pretty unique, and also unique from each other, which made it a fun populated world.
A problem I had with Sonny was that he was just terribly unlikable at first. Those first 10 pages are just tough to read. When Tio dies, you feel for him, and thus he becomes relatable, but he’s still kind of a lowlife. If I might suggest, Sonny’s contribution to Zig/Louie’s religious debate sounds like drunken meaningless babble right now. Instead if there was a way for him to show real concise, non-drunk-babbling insight into their conversation then that would make us respect the real guy, who exists below the boozing foot-fantasizing lowlife. Maybe that’s what’s trying to happen now, but it’s not the reaction I have. Perhaps this is just because I’ve read too many religious/philosophical debates and I have a tendency to roll my eyes at people who are trying to sound smart instead of actually being smart, which is what it seems like Sonny is doing here. (Note: At the crime scene in the bank we respect him a little, but it also sounds like he’s just telling what he saw through the window, which I don’t think is true?)
Besides that Sonny had a nice arc with a redemptive moment at the end and some nice moments showing his progression by how he wasn’t drinking.
Tina… hmm. I figured she was a stripper from her first scene when she talked about her other job. I don’t know if it was supposed to be a surprise, but it only made more sense to me as we progressed. I may be alone on this though, and I don’t know if the reveal needs to be that shocking, although I suspect it would be better if it was shocking. I don’t know how to hide that though. Maybe the phrasing about the other job in the first scene? But I don’t know, if no one else is guessing this then don’t worry about it.
My other concern with Tina falls more under story. I just really didn’t know what was going on with her at the end, and her romantic relationship with Sonny really felt pushed on me, so that at the end when they’re both trying to sacrifice each other it felt manufactured and not entirely believable. To fix this I suggest adding in a little sexual tension to their first conversation over the phone. Set up to the audience this troubling romantic relationship. If I were to guess, I’d say that Tina likes Sonny cause he’s smart, and kind of like a wounded dog that she wants to fix. Sonny on the other hand likes Tina, but he’s too much of a self-loathing drunk. He doesn’t respect himself so he doesn’t think he belongs with any one. What’s nice is that then Sonny’s rise back into a self-respect works well for both of them coming together. Just a thought.
I made a note about Lily in my detailed notes, but just to repeat. While she works as is, I think her death would be a lot more powerful if we got at least one moment to feel sorry for her. Like if we see her actually mourning Tio’s death. Maybe sobbing over a picture when she kicks Sonny out.
STRUCTURE:
The setup was solid. Killing Tio a nice twist, and then pulling Sonny into the story when he discovers the connection to Tio at the crime scene was a nice touch. The escalation of events makes sense with a punctuation on Lily also being killed and Sonny getting framed that heightens the stakes. The reveal of Tina came at around the right place, and then everything afterwards was in place, if unclear, but I’ll hit those problems in story.
So, yeah, everything was good here, not breaking from standard format with anything crazy, but that’s ok.
STORY:
Like I said, I loved the churning of plot and the raising of stakes for Sonny. However, I thought the mystery really lacked that same progression. Sonny finds the matchbooks on page 29 and then pretty much he doesn’t gain any more knowledge until he blurts it all out during his lap dance on page 87. And I realize there are drops of knowledge spread in those pages in between, but there isn’t the piecing together of a mystery by Sonny, and as the protagonist he’s the guy we identify with and we want to piece it together with him.
Let me look back…
32-40: Matchbook 1 - Goes to End Zone – Asks to talk to the Boss (for unknown reason), finds out bosses name. Some guys talk bout Meth but he doesn’t understand. Feels like a dead end.
50: Chan is dead, but he’s just told that in a paper. Decides to arrange bachelor Party.
51: Sees a limo at the funeral asks Tina to check it out (for some unknown reason).
60: Discovers he has lots of money in his bank.
61-75: Matchbook 2: Has a Bachelor Party. As far as I can tell he learns nothing. Dead end.
84: Sees other matchbook from here, learns that Tio came here.
86: Learns limo was nothing, just a rental.
87: Reveals everything to Tina.
Where’s the mystery progression here? Essentially Sonny learns nothing on his own before page 84. Everything is either a dead end (end zone, bachelor party, limo) or revealed to him by someone else or something random (newspaper, bank). So we don’t really get the feeling of solving the mystery with him, which is the real pleasure of a mystery. Then when he just spouts everything on 87, nothing feels earned and we don’t know how he put it together.
Some solutions? Make him more active in exploring Chan’s death. Maybe they know where he went fishing and so they go to his beachhouse. Then drunk Sonny goes out to piss on the beach and finds the corpse there instead. And he runs inside and into a big pile of meth (or something better there). Also have something come out of the Bachelor party. Maybe also connect it to Meth here. Then give him a moment where he’s piecing it together, what Tio was doing. But leave some unanswered questions and let him struggle with those.
I want to be clear though, his personal progression of what’s at stake and the turning of plot is really solid, it’s why the script still reads well. But it kind of masks that the protagonist isn’t really very active or successful in working through the mystery, and I really think adding that will take it to a whole new level.
Quick on the ending. I’m not sure I got all the plots that were going on. Here’s what I think happened. Tio was helping to handle the meth market, he was killed by the strippers who needed money and coincidentally turned to the meth dealers, however they wanted the girls to rob a bank. It was a coincidence that they killed Tio (they feared he would recognize her) but doing so caused the entire balance of the meth market to come unbalance and Satin took advantage of that. She consolidated them and took control by herself. She caught Sonny snooping, and Lily wanted her cut of Tio’s market, so she tried to kill one bird with one stone by framing Sonny for killing Lily. It didn’t work and so she planned to make it look like Sonny killed Tina and then committed suicide.
I think that’s mostly right, but where I’m lost is what Tina’s role in all of this? That strip scene where he chokes her threw me for a loop (when did he tell her to just play along?), but afterwards it seems like she was just role playing? So she didn’t do any of those things… which makes sense. But then I never really got clarity about if she was just joking or if she really was involved in some ways. At the very end she gives that line of “Who did you think it was that need to be saved?” and I have no idea what that means.
Anyway, I’m still confused on this. I get the feeling Tina somewhat knew about what Tio was doing and was actually laundering his money. But if this was the case, I would think her cut would mean she wouldn’t have to strip for money. And I don’t know if she ever explained her motivations why she did that or why she was sorry. hope it’s not just me missing something, but I’ve read back and I can’t tell how much she really knew. Or maybe I just expect too many definites.
FORMAT/ETC.
Mostly the formatting was fine, some of the action in the first half felt a little clunky, as if it was missing pronouns or rushing moments that could pay off more. I think I noted that in my specific notes. Additionally, I was not a fan of the underlining of words, but that’s your call.
The big issue though is the explanations of what words mean. They’re essentially lies to the reader. Heh, sorry that sounded dramatic. Let me explain. You’re telling readers what a word like Hui means in the description or in parenthesis and they suddenly understand the conversation. However, a film audience in a theater won’t get these notes, and so they won’t understand what the words mean. If the script is a template of what the audience will experience, then you’re lying to the reader by saying they’ll understand what those words mean. If you think it’s explained in context, then let it live or die by that context. If it doesn’t matter what it means, then don’t tell them. But if it’s integral to your story that someone needs to know what Hui means, then you need to find a way to make that clear to a theater audience too. That can by dialogue, action or, I suppose, even subtitles. But as now the reader is not getting the audiences experience and that’s a problem.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
1: A weird thing, but the way Sonny is introduced bumps me a little. I’d almost rather get the description of his leering at the girl followed by the detail character description in the next paragraph. That way I’m picturing him doing an action while I’m taking him in. Kind of like when you see someone at first you recognize them as a guy who’s lounging on the beach, and then you really decipher who they are. It’s real subtle, and may just be me though.
1: Don’t know if The Godfather needs to be underlined, but it’s your call of course.
2: Not sure if it’s intentional (probably?) but Sonny’s lines here feel like such drunken rambling that I really expects Zig’s response to be more “You’re drunk.” Than actually understanding what he’s saying. It introduces Sonny as at best a BSer, which may be the intention. If he’s supposed to be a genius, make him a little more coherent as well. (line on page 3 is better)
4: May read better as “Einstein’s theory of paying your tab?”
5: Tio’s line here “It’s… uh, just a theory” doesn’t feel like it’s said during a fight (even a play slap one). Is “uh” supposed to be his reaction to getting hit? “umph” might be better.
7: Sorry I can’t be more specific on this, but some of the action feels clunky so far. I think it’s things like who is Sonny making writing gestures to? “Sonny finds the check, makes little writing gestures at Tio.” Is clearer to me. I’m also not exactly sure about the men’s room bit at first. I get it all, but I have to work at it ever so slightly to get it, which while not terrible takes me away from the flow of the story a bit.
9: That seemed really fast for a bank robbery. Like 10-20 seconds fast. Is it supposed to be so quick? If not, adding a little more to the description may represent it better.
14: typo “throws the down the water”
15: Hmm, should student-types be hyphenated? Or do we even need “types”? When I read it now it sounds like a student is on a computer typing. It’s clear it isn’t that pretty quickly, but could be clearer the first time.
17: Hmm, Caldera knew Tio, a nice twist. Good move.
18: It’s weird, MUFFLED SHOT. Hides right now at the top of the page. A bigger line might help if you can turn it into a sentence, although it loses its impact a bit that way.
18: Heh, that’s a funny intro to Willie and a nice random naked character to introduce. It’s also nice that with all the T&A you’re tossing something for other people to look at.
20: Hmm, is he covered in sand here? Nice description.
21: Hmm, for a man so unwilling to face his failure, why would he frame what seems to be his biggest failure? Not really a big deal, but something that crossed my mind. (This could actually be rationalized, but it just seemed a bit out of character).
23: Instead of Koehler just freaking. I’d really love to have this moment hit a bit more, a sniff of his nose a flip of his shoe and then he freaks out. I really didn’t know what this meant at first, I thought Sonny was calling Kohler a big dog for some reason.
23: Oh, just realized a typo too. He’s called Koehler here, not Kohler.
26: Not sure why this is underlined here…
27: Heh, nice sock gag.
27: Sonny ends this scene with 2-3 jokes and it really dilutes the punchline I think it would be more effective to just pick your scene ending and go with it. I think you can even just use the middle line. He leans over to the Female cop and “You know, I’m really good at getting strip searched”. It hits the callback, shows he’s interested in her (being set up for later?), and the one joke ends the scene with punch.
27: I have a weird logic issue, the lack of gunpowder on the Dangler’s hands and wrong angle of the shot makes me think there’s no way that they would believe the Dangler is the murderer. This issue exists from watching too much Dexter and/or Sherlock. It can probably be disregarded. (and Sonny hits on this somewhat on page 28, but even better, good job!)
29: Hmm, I get not using articles here (like “A silhouette darkens”) because you want it to see tense, but I think it would flow better with the articles added in.
30: Is it wrong that I’ve always assumed Tina’s second job is as a stripper? I even assumed she was the Aloha To Go-Go one when I saw the matchbox.
32: Curious, how does Sonny not a wide assortment of gum? He’d have to get down on his hands and knees to see it?
32: Huh, he still has his didgeridoo… does that mean he’s still naked?
36: The entire conversation in the bar from Thad talking about evil onwards feels wrong. I think it’s partly because I don’t identify separate voices. Thad’s long discussion to start the scene almost makes me think the lines are accidentally flipped with Sonny’s. Then again later I’m mixing up DeShawn/Frederick and where they’re at on their argument too much. Maybe it just needs a bit of clarity?
37: Confused with DeShawn’s line here. Didn’t he already say that he knew who Sonny was? On page 35?
48: Ok, that “(Tina is also slang for Meth)” helps me understand a scene, but I don’t think an audience will get that. Maybe instead of Latin, if the guy was called “Latin Drug Dealer” and you gave him some shady nose scratching action people would get it just the same.
39: I don’t get why they’re crash landing here, or really what two guys Tina’s talking about? The two asian guys at the bathroom? The jewelry thing completes throws me as well, I’m not sure what to make of it. If Sonny pisses off the asian guys with his “I promise line” maybe show a reaction of the asian as being pissed off so that we know they’re pissed off and thus throw Sonny down.
43: Just want to make sure that you did mean to repeat “too too solid ass” here.
46: It says “dirty old msn” and I think that should be man. Though we’re already not decoding other words, so I say just omit that.
47: Start clocks? I assume this is some ritual, and so it’s okay not to be explained, it’s also pretty weird. Which can be nice.
50: Is there an extra space after uh, in “Uh, a… a bachelor party…”?
51: Heh, that’s funny about writing down the limo.
57: Lilly has two “l’s at the top of this page.
60: Nice turning point here with Sonny having money, but we avoid any real discussion on it?
64: Needs ice is a nice payoff, made me chuckle.
65: Hmm, a blonde pleasuring a redhead. This line seems to push the story a bit too far. Maybe I’m off on this, I guess it’s an R-rated film anyway. Maybe I’m just picturing that end scene from Requiem for a Dream and it’s not nearly that graphic… or depressing.
69: Uh, I don’t get the Star Wars reference, unless it’s just him being silly, which I guess is fine, though I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen him this silly.
75: It’s a decent turn here that Lily is murdered, it keeps the plot moving and ups the stakes. However, I never really felt anything for Lily besides revulsion (because that seems to be what Sonny felt, somewhat). I wonder if she can be made a little more sympathetic and then this can give us an emotional response to this. If we saw her secretly crying over Tio’s death or something that might do it. Maybe right after Sonny left and before the person enters the house. Although you would need to give us a bit longer between the two instead of the urgency.
79: Is Sonny intentionally misspelling hegemony here? To an audience it will just look like Sonny doesn’t know how to spell it (cause we won’t see it speller right before).
81: Not sure what’s going on with Nakamura’s dialogue here, maybe I never noticed it before. But he says cant’ instead of can’t. Also the ‘a trusted. Seems odd. But if you’ve been doing that with this character and I just noticed I guess it’s not bad.
83: Champagne with a capital ‘C’ huh? Maybe a typo, maybe for emphasis. (but at a strip club like this it’s probably not actual champagne, just sparkling wine).
84: Ok, so it’s really an important character note that he isn’t drinking. But as an audience member I’m not sure that would register. He could just have two fresh drinks. If there’s a way to show that he isn’t drinking that’d be great.
84: Ah-hah! Pinchy! The mystery progresses!
85: Hey look, I was right about Tina! Not sure if that’s good. It’s no reveal. Then again, I’m generally pretty good at calling these things out, so if no one else mentioned it then it’s probably ok.
85: I’d expect drunk strippers to put up a little bit more of a fight or at least be pissed that Tina swoops in and takes their cash cow.
87: I’m not sure I get all the jumps here. I don’t really remember that “You’re the evil” reference. And while the laundering money was set up, the shark killing and the others don’t make as much sense.
88: Ok, killing her was extreme, but I don’t get the going along part afterwards. I feel like this is flipping in a way that wasn’t set up, or what is she referring to when she says “You said go along… No matter what…” (side note, I really like how you play off that she’s bad, but then isn’t it’s a nice bit of misdirection)
91: I don’t think you can include this parenthesis explaining Hui. You’re giving readers information that a theater audience won’t get, either explain it in dialogue or just hope it plays without the explanation.
92: Maybe say here that he takes the photograph out and unfolds the previously hidden edge or something.
92: Also I have no idea who SATIN is, should I know this? Oh wait, checked, she was one of the strip club girls, but she never speaks. If she had a line she might be more memorable. Or just add a note here for the reader. An audience member will recognize the girl as the stripper, the reader may not remember a name that’s grouped in with three other strippers. Oh, but you can’t make her talk because it would give away her accent. Probably just a note to the reader would be enough.
95: “the Hui deal weight out his club”, I’m not sure why, but I can’t quite figure out what this line means, I get the idea, but “weight out his club”?
100: “choke my favorite”? It seems weird that he’d call her his favorite.
101: I don’t get Tina’s response here, I’m really starting to feel lost for the ending. The dialogue doesn’t seem to flow logically and it’s too convoluted. “Who did you think it was that needed to be saved?” What? He thought Tina needed to be saved. I don’t even know what this is hinting at. Or alternatively why would he need to save Satin??
102: Uh, I really don’t know why Sonny is in here any more, if she’s not knocked out, then he has no duty to take her from the burning building.
104: The religion note here really is ridiculous, I’m glad Sonny pointed out how clueless Satin is with her references, it sounds like she’s got her religious training from E News instead of actual studying anything.
104: Good payoff with his tattoos, however, once again including (royalty) is a huge mistake, how will an audience know that?? Say royalty if you want them to know that.
106: I’m glad Sonny finally said it’s irritating.
108: I don’t think I get why Willie is there at the end, or if it’s supposed to be a joke, or just random.
Overall there’s a lot of personality here, and that’s a great thing for a story like this. I think a few more concrete progression points in the mystery will really help the audience feel more involved, and then setting up Tina/Sonny’s relationship earlier and clarifying her involvement with Tio at the end will make the story wrap up nicely. Regardless, there were a lot of fun points in reading this script, so thanks for that! read -
A review of COURIER 12 (First Draft)by ProfRedSweater on 01/09/2012This is a free-will review of “Courier-12”, an ambitious script that combines concurrent fantasy storylines with the world of screenwriting. A kind of “Wizard of Oz” meets “Adaptation” perhaps. Unfortunately the tone of the film isn’t established early enough, and the multiple genre cutting, while an interesting technique, doesn’t feel justified and many times distracts and... This is a free-will review of “Courier-12”, an ambitious script that combines concurrent fantasy storylines with the world of screenwriting. A kind of “Wizard of Oz” meets “Adaptation” perhaps. Unfortunately the tone of the film isn’t established early enough, and the multiple genre cutting, while an interesting technique, doesn’t feel justified and many times distracts and confuses from the overall story.
In the end I’m left less with that “Wizard of Oz”/”Adaptation” feel and more of a “Wet Hot American Summer” it-all-devolves-and-everyone-goes-crazy kind of comedy. But unfortunately I can’t tell for sure if this film is supposed to be a farce or not because of the early tonal set up, and that it’s not even listed as a comedy on TS.
CONCEPT:
The plot is roughly that Paul is unhappy with his job writing script coverage and wants more, he butts heads with an executive, but it looks like he’ll advance, until instead he’s transferred. He’s given one last chance for success if he can recover the lost scripts and get them to the producer. The progression of this story is intercut with the stories of the lost scripts, that follow in parallel with our story (except in their genre).
My first big question is, why are these genre stories intercut? They all hit the same points, but I don’t think we’re getting any additional information from those fantasy situations. What’s more, I’m not sure the justification for cutting to them. If Paul was set up as some dreamer who gets lost in the scripts he reads and imagines himself as something more, then I could see that being a cool premise to justify cutting to all these stories. But right now I don’t know why these fantasy scenes are happening. What’s more the repetition gives us nothing, except showing us how the story would play out in other genres.
Justifying these moments is important, so I’m going to offer a suggestion, and feel free to disregard it. Make Paul a dreamer and then don’t tell all the stories from beginning to end every step of the way. Instead cut to whatever genre justifies the mood at the time. Is Elmer particularly menacing? Cut to that part of the story being told as a horror. Are they stealing files from his office? Cut to an action film. This could lead to a very smart script. You should be able to handle all the information necessary for each cutaway immediately when you go to it since you’re working with stereotypes of the genre and an audience should be able to follow you. What’s more you can still do the setup of the beginning and a payoff in the end so these stories will have their own arcs. Additionally, I think there could be some cool reveals in reality when later it’s revealed what really happened when they broke into the office (though not from showing it, just by being referenced later). Plus there’s plenty of opportunities for laughter when those genres have to break their stories to fit in with what really happens. Like when Babe kisses a guard in the action genre.
The next big concern with the concept is tone. It isn’t listed as a comedy on TS, and I couldn’t tell how much of it was supposed to be ha-ha jokes or nodding wink at screenwriting jokes. There obviously is some comedy there, but are each of the genre cut-aways supposed to be lampooning the genres? Zeke references them as “pretty stock scripts”, and I think the others might call their scripts that as well. If these are supposed to be a crazy farcical stories I think they really need to push that boundary early on and let us know that we’re supposed to be laughing along with these. I’d also suggest grounding the reality that Paul lives in a little bit more. That’s probably my favorite story, but there are some instances that just seem over the top (the helicopter and the pen, the producer speaking through an animatronic, the ending of the company is gone, now it’s back, everyone has what they want!).
It still can be funny, but perhaps not as much out there. Creating contrast between the tone of reality and the genres would really help the script. Anyway, as of now I’m not completely sure how farcical the story is meant to be when we start reading. It’s fine to intensify that humor, but let the audience in on the joke early enough so that they can come along on that ride.
DIALOGUE:
What’s strange is for the first 5-10 pages I found the dialogue a little too generic, but after that it really kicked off into specifics and I can say that all the characters had their own voice and were distinct.
Something you may want to consider on rewrites though is to trim down some of the long blocks of dialogue and also watch for redundancies. I noted some of them below, but here’s a generic example of the latter, Alan: “I’m hungry” Dave: “Are you?” Alan: “I think I’ll get lunch”. Obviously not from your script, but that could all just be one line from Alan.
My big issue with dialogue though traces back to the concept of tone. I couldn’t tell if the fantasy sections were supposed to be honest attempts at stories in those genres, or cliché interpretations of what most of those scripts are about. I think the latter, but if these are all meant as digs at the genres then I think it needs to go further. Like really have plot points in the horror scripts that are over the top. The killer comes back to life multiple times in the horror film. Make the gadgetry in the action film even more over the top. And the rom-com one is a little dark (brick to the head?), maybe it should be fluffier? Make sure there’s at least one strong note of this early on in each genre even. It’s too hard to mix up mocking bad genre writing and actual bad genre writing. Uh, if these are supposed to be good genre writings, my apology at the last comment. They’re just too much on the nose.
CHARACTERS:
Everyone has their role set up nicely in the first 15 pages, although I think Zeke’s flaw isn’t pronounced enough early on (I didn’t get he was cowardly until the rom-com). The bigger problem is that I don’t think the characters really earned their rewards in the end. I’d say especially Rusty, perhaps I’m missing something, but keeping lookout doesn’t seem that important. As a farce it’s probably okay, but I’d like to see that worked better and really hit home with for their character arcs.
Paul also seems to go missing from the main story for a long time when Babe/Rusty/Zeke steal the files from Elmer’s office. It feels weird to have the main character off-screen from page 60 to 96, and incorporating him into this process more might be better. He is present in the genre stories during this time though, so that may be ok. But still something to be aware of.
Other issue though, Hank and Emily seem to go missing after the first act only to reappear at the very end, I may have missed some role of theirs in the genre stories, but this feels odd. They seemed like an important part of the character to start. I’m not sure what the answer is to that. Maybe combining Glen/Hank? It would require some rewrites then. But it’s strange to be invested in a character only to have them vanish.
STRUCTURE:
I really felt like the genre stories cut too much from one to another, especially in the middle around page 60 or so. It take a while to reacclimate to the worlds and so it ends up leaving the reader disjointed and at times a little confused. I’ve already suggested make these genre stories to capturing the emotional moments of the script, and I think that without the repetition of each story point being told four times we should be fine. If you don’t decide to go this way, I’d suggest avoiding such rapid cuts and possibly including extra description to really set the moments and give the audience a moment to breath.
Another thought. If you cut out the repetition it might still be nice to cut from genre to genre within a story point. Like action as Babe/Paul rush to do something and then cut to the horror story as Elmer emerges, then when they escape doing a clever cut to something romantic. But cut smartly to avoid it feeling too disjointed.
STORY:
There were some big twists at the end, mainly Elmer getting the heart attack and the company going under. I think foreshadowing Elmer’s health problems might be nice, maybe just have him take a pill. Not sure though.
The twists in the genre stories got quite crazy and while that’s okay for a farce, I think the story may be better served by keeping the genre stories more within their chosen genre. For instance, Charleston falling to his death in the rom-com? That’s pretty crazy, I don’t think I’d ever see that in a rom-com. If it is supposed to be a wtf moment though, and the comedy is supposed to get more and more extreme at the end that may be ok. But along those same lines, I think the action and rom-com mix together too much. Action can have comedy, that’s fine, but the rom-com is perhaps the most off-base. It has a guy getting hit in the head with a brick. That’s pretty severe. As a rom-com it could probably do with more romance between Goddard/Molly. When they kiss now it feels completely unearned. Going more fluffy with this story would be nice, really play with the genre.
The logic of the film also suffers at time. In the genre stories the storylines don’t really seem to line up. Specifically I think of the rom-com story and the attorney at the end. It seems like Goddard/Molly/Attorney all start operating in some alternative universe of crazy. But there’s also a strong lack of logic lacking from the reality world. A lot of that is just in the way film production works, but that may be intentional. Alternatively, the advancement of characters to positions their completely unqualified for works for a farce, but I almost want the ending to then be THREE MONTHS LATER – They’re all bankrupt again. Cause that’s unforeseen but believable and kind of justified. The “we’re all super successful at film production” feels a little like the screenwriter saying “f-you I’m a genius”, and it breaks the fourth wall a bit too much in a way that could cause resentment among readers, since it doesn’t seem to have a wink to it, that the rest of the script seems to have that (I think).
FORMAT/ETC.
The format as a whole is pretty solid. I don’t think all of the camera directions (ANGLE ON/WIDER SHOT) are completely necessary, but I’m not against the use of them on principle so that’s ok. I like the way the genre switches are handled with the “(ACTION)” in the sluglines, very clear and makes sense.
One more suggestion, please list this script as a comedy under the TS info. Forget the other genres even. Also try to rewrite the description to reveal the humor. I think the script still needs to set up the tone itself early on, but this will help the reader know what they’re getting into. Also, when the movie gets made a trailer would let you know the tone ahead of time early, so it’s kinda/sorta similar to giving your audience a heads up in that aspect.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
1: Could go either way on this, but “Worried” is probably not needed since the line of dialogue afterwards lets us know that. The line may flow better without it.
1: Not sure about the Hank’s Office formatting. I think you may not need the second “HANK’S OFFICE” tag, and that might just confuse it.
1: The line of description for hank in the office is a little terse as it’s missing articles (a, the, etc). I get that as a style, but generally I think that terseness is more useful when describing action or quick paced moments. Adding in a few articles would help ease us into the story more.
2: Hank and Emily are the same voice in this opening scene. Not just in how they speak, but they also could just be one character. Instead of cutting a character though I suggest giving one of them (Emily I suggest) more personality and a different target. Make her funny, make her aggressive, have her direct the lines at Hank. Any one of these will really punch up the scene.
2: Once again don’t need “Dissapointed”, Paul hanging his head lets you know that already, but gives more of an attachment to the audience because they’re picturing it in their head as opposed to being told what to think of it.
2: Sluglines are quite formatted right. They should be “INT. OFFICE – COPY ROOM – DAY” (or something similar), I noticed this on page4 as well, so consider this a global comment to check the slug lines.
3: “I don’t have time to talk, Paul. I gotta…” This line is a little too generic, I’d love more specifics too, like “Sorry, no time-o to talk-o, Monkeys in Space 3 is due in twenty.” Although probably not that exactly. Even if this isn’t a comedy (not sure yet) it’s good to have specifics.
3: Paul’s reaction of “No!” seems a little extreme, but what’s more is that Babe’s two lines here are essentially the same. You should cut one to avoid it feeling repetitive.
4: Better more specific line here from Zeke about confetti. And then he throws it away. Good way to show character.
4: Instead of saying “Frustration” think of an action that shows frustration. Even if it’s just a frown, furrow of the brow, or a rolling of the eyes. (or hopefully something even better).
4: Hmm, didn’t quite get that Zeke was freaked out here. Maybe also have him clutch his chest or something to sell it.
4: A personal preference, but I think too much action is chunked into some of these paragraphs. Like the last one on this page. If it was a new paragraph with “Babe rushes in…” then Zeke’s action would be set up better and we’d get to feel each moment.
5: Cookie thing is real specific, not sure if it means anything, but I like it!
6: Uh, why does Emily say “hearing voices” twice. Either typo or line not flowing right.
7: Not sure why he gives the tape player either. Not quite buying it.
7: Instead of “Elmer stops at Babe’s cubicle to flirt” (which cannot be portrayed by an actor). How about “Elmer leans on Babe’s cubicle wall seductively.” Or something like that, just an action. The “to flirt” gives away the reveal of the dialogue.
10: A weird thought. Aren’t most people who write coverage screenwriters themselves? So the idea of him writing his own script shouldn’t be that crazy?
10: Heh, I like the desperation of “you know any?”
11: Syd is really strange, I guess it works…
11: I didn’t remember he had a meeting at all, so if you can stress that more in the first 10 pages (wherever it’s mentioned) then that might hit home more. Right now it seems a little out of the blue.
12: “Spec”? I’m not sure if this is a genre in the same sense. Unless you mean, and one script that we don’t pay to be written for us. Which would make sense, although less so to a general audience.
12: Still by page 12 we’ve set up out main character (Paul) his antagonist (Elmer) a possible mentor (Syd), possible love interested (Babe), friends (Zeke, maybe Rusty – kinda Hank/Emily) the protagonist’s struggle (dissatisfaction with job, wanting more) and the stakes (find scripts that perform or lose your job).
14: Not a fan of this conversation. It’s way too on the nose and spit out. I think this information can be conveyed, but the helipad long discussion is a bit too much.
16: His mentioning to “Follow the Hero’s Journey” might be a tad on the nose. I guess it depends where this script goes, I have a slight issue that it’s directed too much at screenwriters with a bunch of inside jokes for them. Will think about that as it develops.
16: Babe’s line can be trimmed here for more punch, also mention that she needs help on the script, it sounds like she wants help on the date here.
19: HA! “invitation to get raped” that surprised me, I hope I was meant to laugh.
23: “Does it order take out?” This line could be better. It’s a little “eh”. Unless the point is that Agent Black is not funny, but kind of lame.
25: Why is Paul writing coverage for all these people? I get with Babe (if he’s interested in her), but not sure on Rusty.
30: I’m really not sure about the tone of these fantasy sections, are they intentionally mocking the scripts? It’s this weird border where I can’t tell if they’re honest going for the genre, or knowingly winking at how they always work. I assume the latter.
30: Wait, why does Paul take home the script here? Zeke never even asks him to do it, so that’s very strange…
31: Confused on their jobs. If they write coverage they’d have a pile of scripts at once, coverage doesn’t mean you dedicate to one script only, but they probably read each one and write notes in a few hours. So when they say “bring the scripts they’re working on” do they mean the huge pile of scripts? Maybe this will all be answered.
31: “The Guild” I’m really torn, nothing like this would happen in real life, and I guess I’m just a little off-balance on where to put the script. I’m going to try and detach myself from the reality and instead assume it’s just a hyper-realized world for comedy.
34: Wait, if the buzzer needs maintenance then how did he hear them?
39: Huh, that kiss was out of the blue. Not sure what to make of it.
45: Nice wizard of oz moment, not sure about the road here, but I’ll comment on that in my big notes.
47: “I’m need proof” typo
55: If Rodney is going to have a role, I think I’d like to see him introduced earlier than in the background for the scene in Elmer’s office. Just a thought.
55: Heh, nice that wizzer pisses himself. A good payoff.
60: The tape recorder falls out twice? And Elmer doesn’t realize it’s recording, this is all too convenient and takes me out of the film.
61; How can he be agent green? Or how can we just know that now, we already saw of picture of him earlier when he sent his threat to PRISM right?
63: This is a very repetitive conversation, but I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be cookie cutter formula. Maybe it doesn’t go enough over the top to establish that?
64: Ahh, sort of a nice twist about the sexual harassment on the tape. I didn’t think about that, even when he was saying it, and it was set up nice earlier.
64: Ok, not sure about this, but if the pictures she’s taking is supposed to indicate that her husband is cheating on her, then I don’t think that works. The divorce was filed a long time ago, and she even said it had been a year. Actually she said she was already divorced which is then conflicted later by the guy demanding she sign the papers.
65: This cutting from fantasy to fantasy is too much, too fast. There’s no time to breath or even re-orientate ourselves to the surroundings. Ends up being muddled and a big confusing at times.
68: Might be funny to add in some clumsiness to this seduction.
86: A hail mary that’s unbeatable? That’s kind of a contradiction, hail mary’s are last ditch efforts that have a low percentage of success.
89: Heh, like the jar of eyes.
90: Comedy Elmer dies by falling off a building? That’s not very rom-com. I think this is a problem with the rom-com/action scripts, they kind of mush together and aren’t distinct enough in their genre.
95: Why does Babe ask Paul not to mention the sexual harassment tape any more?
96: The three one-liners as Elmer is grabbed is too much. Maybe two would be ok, but three feels like making the rounds.
96: How did the Guard get the script?
97: If there’s a joke with the keys it’s missing. Molly gets everything she wanted (yay) and has the keys. Why would they need to go to the Attorney? She’s a widow now and owns everything. Unless Goddard is supposed to be dumb here, but that’s completely out of character.
102: We’re at a nice point at the end here when events are twisting when we thought they were ending, I’m imagining what this means to the real world. I’m not sure I entirely got the twist for the Action genre, or not that I didn’t get it, but I didn’t see it set up properly and so it didn’t feel justified.
107: Completely lost with the comedy genre here. So the lawyer stole the money, gotcha, uh, but then he gave them money… but not all of it I assume. I’m guessing he gave the money out of some guilt, but then why tell them where he was going. And then they seem happy that they got all this money, but then they’re going to go kick his ass? Really confusing.
108: Wha, the President just flees? This seems pretty silly, I assume that’s the point, but I guess I was still expecting it to be somewhat grounded in the genre.
109: Another situation where all 3 people just spout off a response. Would have much more impact if it was just one.
110: I don’t feel like any of the characters really earned these promotions… but maybe that’s the point?
115: Heh, that’s a funny twist at the end and then a twist back. This has to be a farce. I just wish that was clearer earlier.
Overall “Courier-12” is a tough script to get my head around, I think I may have missed out because it wasn’t categorized as a comedy and there wasn’t enough jokes early on to let me know what I was getting on board with, or just how tongue in cheek the genre stories were supposed to be. Fixing that would help a lot. However, the intercutting of the genre stories also serves now more as repetition as opposed to revealing new information, and I think the script needs to do something about that as well. With these two changes I think a “Wet Hot American Summer” devolution-style script could come about, and that could be something quite cool. Hopefully this review was helpful, best of luck with rewrites! read -
A review of Herb & Jeremy in Axe Her Outby ProfRedSweater on 12/30/2011I didn’t know what to make of “Herb & Jeremy” at first, as the fictional world and tone is quite unusual. But quickly I connected it to the movies of John Waters and after removing his overt sexuality I was completely on board with the humor, which is larger than life and plays by its own rules. That said, I think the script can benefit by some clarity in the middle, and... I didn’t know what to make of “Herb & Jeremy” at first, as the fictional world and tone is quite unusual. But quickly I connected it to the movies of John Waters and after removing his overt sexuality I was completely on board with the humor, which is larger than life and plays by its own rules. That said, I think the script can benefit by some clarity in the middle, and possible a more satisfying ending. I’ll discuss that going forward.
CONCEPT:
As I said before, I’m reminded of John Waters. Not because the idea and execution isn’t original (it definitely is), but because of how specific and out there the style is. You’re definitely shooting for more of the independent crowd here, as I couldn’t see this being picked up for a mass distribution push. Which is perfectly fine. With the right actors and the right randomness I think it could gain a cult following. Herb and Jeremy will be key for this, as their interplay is so unique and disturbed that in the wrong hands it won’t feel as comedic as just disturbing. I almost wonder if a wrong turn could take it into “Funny Games” territory.
Another note, I really liked how the tone was set up early, and then the twists with Beth being a killer came and that relationship completely twisted. It really kept me interested early on and eager to read more.
DIALOGUE:
For the most part the characters spoke with distinct voices, it was a very strange rhythm at time, and one that took some work to get into, but after I switched my brain that way it mostly worked. There were a few places that weren’t clear and I specified that further down.
CHARACTERS:
Herb and Jeremy are weird, but they work in this crazy world where everyone is a serial killer of some sort. Beth is pretty out there, but she works as well. In fact I really like this core group of characters. Cee-Cee I get as well, she acts a little strange at the end, but I’ll address that later.
So where I struggle is Williams and Brandon. It isn’t immediately made clear to the audience that Williams is a serial killer (or serial killer helper? Instructor? I still don’t know). The asking of advice by Jeremy in Lily’s Pub needs to a more direct “I support serial killers” answer from him. Then we can get on board with this right away. I’d also like to know a little bit about why he supports them. It doesn’t make a lot of sense… but more on that in the Story section.
For Brandon his personality seems to jump way too much. One minute he’s a by-the-books detective, then next he’s stopping his pursuit of Jeremy so that Williams can pay a trip to his friend across town who doesn’t get out much. Also, he’s in Lily’s Pub at some point, which, besides seeming unnecessary (we already get that Williams doesn’t like him) makes us think that he may be a serial killer as well? I can never pin this guy down, even at the end. Is he a talented cop or an idiot? He shows signs of both, and I think he really needs to be focused in the next draft.
Another note on Beth. I thought she was great in the first half of the film, but she disappears from page 50 to 93 and that’s a shame. Not just because I liked her, but because her story feels unfinished, like she’s missing a major part of her arc. Plus I bet that arc would fit greatly into Jeremy’s path and there can be some fun confrontations there before the big one at the end. We’re really robbed on multiple levels there, so I suggest working some of her back in.
STRUCTURE:
I’ll go ahead and put this next item here, although it could just as easily go in story, but I had an issue with the fictional past section. To be blunt, I think the entire section from Alan knocking Herb out to him waking up in his apartment can be cut out. It isn’t very funny, doesn’t give us anything that’s relevant to the story (Herb sees things differently, I already got that), and worst of all by putting it here the momentum of the story is killed. We want to feel like we’re racing to the climax and it’s all going well. Cee-cee is held by Jerem, Herb is at wits ends! Then a stranger comes out of the blue, knocks him out and we flash back to scenes we’ve already seen with a slightly different view. And that’s for 11 pages, so that when we get back the momentum to the climax is killed.
If I’m missing some important aspect to the story, then I could be wrong (though I still suggest incorporating it elsewhere), otherwise what is lost by cutting these scenes?
STORY:
Ok, so the two biggest issues I have fall under story.
The first is that even by the end of the film I still don’t completely get the world that this script lives in. Is it a world filled with serial killers and everyone more or less turns a blind eye to it? (cabbies drive off, death messages for missing girls are glossed over, killers meet at pubs and the cops are in on it). If so, that’s fine. But as I said before the cops need to be better defined so we understand what kind of false order exists in the world. There’s also lots of other confusing moments that I outline in my specific notes, they pretty much follow any moments when I’m lost. I think that first starts with the Jeremy Hill printout on page 55. I don’t know exactly why Brandon thinks the guy in prison killed the girl (as opposed to the other Jeremy Hill) but the way it was written really made me think that there was some weird “Jeremy’s not real, or not who he says he is” twist. Which wasn’t the case. If this is just a joke that Brandon is dumb, then it needs to be sold better. It threw me for a loop until page 87 when we got some clarification. I’ve got to admit that I never really recovered from this idea that I missed some twist.
Also, what’s the deal with the backway into the pub? I never get why that’s necessary, it doesn’t really pay off.
Second big issue is the ending not quite being satisfied. There’s parts I like. The everyone in one room setup, the reveal that Cee-Cee didn’t write the breakup letter, the fact that Jeremy just goes on killing, that’s all good. However, the accidental murder of Beth feels like a punt. The entire “Beth is the last kill, will Herb kill her or will he anger Jeremy” is essentially the big question you ask in the early part of the script, and then it gets complicated by Herb/Beth getting together and Cee-Cee being held captive. But the answer to that question is essentially “whoops Herb killed her by accident”. That’s incredibly unsatisfying. Right after that Cee-Cee’s motivations get muddled. She seems angry with Herb (understandable about the sex) but then flip-flops back and forth a little too easily and it all feels rushed and unbelievable. Her dialogue really needs to be reworked to convey these flops. The final issue I had with the end was that Alan comes back in out of the blue to assist Jeremy. This makes the earlier section with the fictional past just stand out even more as unnecessary. Like the only reason that was there was so that Alan could be thrown in later and not completely out of the blue.
Outside of fixing Connie’s dialogue, the only answer I have is that perhaps Williams leaves with Jeremy instead. Maybe he’s screwed up too much with the police force and needs to go into hiding, or so enamored with the serial killer lifestyle that he has to join, or perhaps he just needs to teach Jeremy the ropes more so his legacy can go on. I’m not sure since I don’t really know Williams, but it’s a great opportunity to reveal a little bit more about him.
FORMAT/ETC.
Random format thing, but you don’t need “(CONTINUED)” at the end of every page, it’s an old formatting convent not followed any more and can be turned off in most screenwriting programs. Also in sluglines it’s usually a single dash not a double one before the DAY/NIGHT tag that ends the line. There’s also a lot of missing question marks, which could be a style if it’s meant to be rhetorical. But I don’t know if that’s the case, maybe look over all the questions and see if you meant for there to be question marks.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
2: So the triangle and then the cab coming back for the twenty establishes this as being a pretty ridiculous comedy. I’m going to assume that’s the tone of the movie for now, and if so good job on setting up our expectations early.
3: “Tiffany’s running as fast as she can SCREAM” – this sentence doesn’t make much sense.
3: Hmm, this is probably going to be a broad comedy so it’s ok, but her sighing down to the ground is a little unlikely.
4: I may be missing something, what does “Well you hit it pretty square” reference here?
7: Is “stop that” supposed to be said by Herb or Jeremy? Seems maybe more a Herb line. The dialogue is quite odd here. Sometimes a little hard to follow, as it’s quite quirky. But that may be ok.
8: Herb has a poster of an actual classmate? I thought Calculus Connie was some pop culture character. Weird.
8: I’m not quite sure I get the knife coming out of the crotch. Did she stab from the back of him? It at first seems like some weird dreamlike aspect coming from his crotch, but I can’t tell exactly, may help to clear it up.
10: Weird feelings around here that Jeremy/Herb are the same person. Not sure. It’s kind of dispelled by the conversations in the bar.
14: A scene header will usually wrap over to the page with the description, not sure why this does it this way here. Maybe a problem with the formatting tool.
17: Huh, nice twist here. Their intended target Beth is also going on her own serial killer mission. Nice addition of conflict. (small note, to really sell his death maybe his eyes are open and unblinking?)
18: Think that should be “The shades are pulled”, not “shads”
18: s/b “head between his knees” not “is”
19: Nice move, Herb loses his girl that pushes him into the killer mode, and then she finds him… interesting.
21: I think the dabbing comes a little too early? His “Is this going to hurt.” Seems like a response to pre-cream. By the way, there should probably a question mark at the end of that line. Same with “What are you doing?” Unless it’s meant more rhetorical and that’s a style. I sometimes omit question marks to get a certain tone, not sure if that’s your intention though.
21: Not exactly sure why Herb would say “that was no accident” here. Giving away too much of his strength, or maybe that’s his tone. It’s a strange movie I’ll say, reminds me of John Waters but without the sexuality.
22: Not sure why we’re flashing back… is it to establish that he must kill her for fear of punishment? I could be on board with that. Although I think the VO should come before that and make it a quick cut. Like a Flash-CHOP-BLOOD-Back
23: Hmm, maybe it’s just an image problem, but I thought he had to use the stool to get the axe up that high, now he does it normally?
25: “What time.” Might need a question mark? Some of these definitely do.
28: Ok, I went from skeptical at first to completely on board with the weird random characters. Kinda enjoying the fun of the film.
31: Is “reducing me” just him fumbling, or do you mean seducing? Also should probably be “Miss” capital.
31: I like that I can’t really get a feel for Beth and if she actually digs Herb or is testing him. Or even if he’s just forbidden fruit that she needs to want him.
33: I think that should be “while” deep inside Beth’s mouth.
34: s/b “Bates’ chest” the first time, not “Bate’s chest”
37: Like the callback from to “we’re done when we’re done” with “feels good…”
40: I’m not sure if this is a joke that Williams didn’t know he was talking to Brandon? It doesn’t quite play right if that’s true, needs to be sold a bit better.
41: Not sure what the line “Ah! You’re sure it was here?” is referencing.
41: So Williams is a cop and also a serial killer. I didn’t really get that from the opening scenes with him. And I’m still not completely sure. If this is the case I say go for it fully in the previous bar scene. Just have him talk about his own kills. The way Jeremy asks him about the scheduled hit there doesn’t quite put him as a killer. Almost seems like he’s asking him as a cop.
42: Question mark for “What do I owe you?”
44: “stretched across the toilet” should have a “the”
45: I kind of figured that Connie was the masked girl (we don’t have many characters to imagine in that spot), but I like the introduction of the complication.
45: “Who knows about this.” Definitely needs a question mark. Right?
45: Really not getting what’s going on with this scene with Julie. Is she in the know about the killings and is threatening to tell it. Does everyone know kills are happening and that it’s okay as long as they don’t leave any evidence? Or why does she cry?
46: Not sure about this twenty joke. If Herb just got a ride from the cabbie isn’t he now even, more or less?
49: Is that a subtle joke about why WAS there a dead body versus still having a dead body now. If so I think it needs rephrasing to sell it a little more.
49: s/b “you’re too classy” not to
51: question marks for “what was that? Where are you?” I’m going to stop listing them now… assuming it’s intentional?
55: Not sure what to make of the printout, but Williams line about protagonists doesn’t seem to make much sense to me. Is this about to get weird and Lynchian?
56: Uh, a 4-1-1 is information. Is he supposed to be stupid by saying this? It seems out of character as he’s the smart by-the-books cop.
64: Why do they need to take this back entrance to Lily’s Pub? Am I missing something here? The front door works too right?
65: Nonsense is one word.
65: “having a some fun” shouldn’t have an “a’ there?
67: s/b “Whose apartment is this?”
67: Why isn’t Connie screaming here anyway? Or running away with the tea? I feel like I’m missing some change in their relationship.
70: The tire on blocks gag feels a little off for the humor of the movie, like from some other gag heavy film.
72: A weird exchange with Alan, not sure the point of it, but it feels in the humor of the film.
73: Not sure what the “FICTIONAL PAST” tag is about, try instead to sub out LATE AFTERNOON for DREAM SEQUENCE. It’s a little bit more common in script formatting. Same with on page 75, may not need the later? Or actually could cut then FICTIONAL PAST here and then could just end the dream sequence with END DREAM SEQUENCE when over like you do now on page 82.
82: Probably don’t need REAL PRESENT here, since we already ended fictional past.
87: Clearer now on the Jeremy Hill thing, that’s his dad. But how did Brandon mistake Jeremy for his Dad when doing the detective work?
95: “Have your Herbie” feel like that’s missing a word.
95: “deal’S” capital s is at the end
96: “Could too.” Not “to”
98: Nice callback to the triangle part.
98: Think that should be “whoa girl”
103: “still holding Her in his arms” Her shouldn’t be capitalized.
104: Lightening s/b lightning.
104: I like the twist that Connie never broke up with Herb. Makes sense but didn’t see it coming.
105: I like that Jeremy goes off and decides to kill more.
Overall, “Herb & Jeremy” is a strange comedy that a lot of readers will probably struggle with, but I found that strangeness to also be it’s biggest charm. Still, the world needs to be set up a little clearer to allow the audience to participate in this strangeness easier, a few confusing elements need to be ironed over in the middle so that the audience will stay on board, and I suggest removing the Fictional Past section to keep the momentum going towards the ending. The ending itself could also be punched up a bit, but regardless it was an interesting world and story to visit. Thanks!
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A review of EVERMOREby ProfRedSweater on 12/16/2011“Evermore” is a creative look into the dissolution of a proposed friendship between Edgar Allan Poe and the man who posthumously became the biggest smear to his name, Dr. Rufus Griswold. The time period feels right without ever feeling forced, and the characters all are very well drawn which makes for an engaging and easy read. The biggest problem is that when the film starts... “Evermore” is a creative look into the dissolution of a proposed friendship between Edgar Allan Poe and the man who posthumously became the biggest smear to his name, Dr. Rufus Griswold. The time period feels right without ever feeling forced, and the characters all are very well drawn which makes for an engaging and easy read. The biggest problem is that when the film starts to delve into fantasy reenactments of his works it starts to lose any human connection, and in the end we’re left with what feels like a greatest hits collection.
CONCEPT:
As I said before in my message, I had at one point planned to write a story about Poe’s final days and what surrounded the events (though I was going to center more around his last days). So obviously I think it’s a great concept :) There’s so much going on here historically, that I don’t fault any exclusions and instead I really like how this script twists the works of Poe into this relationship with Griswold. It’s quite masterful the way they are used, so much so that it feels like truth.
I also really liked that the story centered around Griswold as the main character, the script reminds me a lot of Amadeus in that sense. Although somewhere near the last 30 pages, I felt like the script shifted perspective. It was because we started to go more and more into those fantasy reenactments. Particularly the Cask of Amontillado one, which didn’t have any real tie to Griswold (as in, he didn’t publish it -- not that it wasn’t supposed to be about him). And I think that’s a problem. More on that later.
One other note on concept, and I’m hesitant to make these notes as it’s pretty useless, but the reason I stopped writing my Poe script was because of the plethora of Poe films already going into production at the time, and now those stories are about to start screening. Because of that I sense that the script may be a little too late to the party and thus be hard to get made. Of course, I’m no studio exec, a good script is a good script. So of course feel free to ignore this, I’m just curious if you’ve thought about where you want the script to go.
DIALOGUE:
The character’s all had distinct voices, and they felt right for the time period without feeling forced, which is quite a masterful feat. I particularly enjoyed the interplay between Poe and Virginia (you know, before she got sick). Really good job.
CHARACTERS:
Portraying a famous figure is always challenging, and if there’s one misstep in Poe it’s that he’s unfortunately very unlikable for the first 39 pages. He seems self-righteous, superior, and kind of a dick to everyone he knows. I think the tone that was attempted was that he’s playful and fun (which would be a great contrast to his misery later), but he unfortunately doesn’t come off that way. His treatment of Griswold isn’t nice (he seems to think he’s better than him, which of course he is, but still shouldn’t be so transparent), and honestly, he just needs to do something nice early on in the script to seem less dickish.
Griswold’s devolution into the bitter character near the end is quite nice. The major issue I saw was that he didn’t seem friendly enough with Poe when first introduced. There’s still a taste that Griswold doesn’t really like Poe when Griswold first goes to his house and hears Virginia play. While that may be true to life, I think you’re already taking creative license, so you may as well go a little father for dramatic effect. And really I cannot stress how important it is to establish his friendship with Poe here. Essentially the hook of the story is that you see Griswold as bitter and angry at Poe and then you want to show him friendly so the audience wants to know how he got so bitter and angry. But right now there isn’t a sharp enough contrast to really engage the reader.
Additionally, we know why Griswold turns on Poe (he keeps poking at him with his writings), but Poe turning on Griswold is less clear. On page 53 the action of the script says something like you can see in his eyes that Poe blames Griswold for Virginia’s consumption. That’s a lot to put into one look and action line. If that doesn’t translate on the screen then Poe is made out to be even more of a dick. Especially because his anger over Griswold taking his job (that he never showed up to) seems unfounded.
I guess my concern is that Poe seems too much like a dickish villain in the film. Sure Griswold does some bad things at points (not printing The Raven) and downright evil things later (screwing with his legacy), but Poe provoked him into doing all of that. If the goal of the script is to show Poe as a dick who uses his art to take out a thin-skinned man who mostly tried to help Poe ($50 for a review) until he had had enough, then that’s fine. But I think the script is more appealing to show the dissolving of their friendship from a more even perspective.
Virginia is great by the way, his love for her is pretty much how I pictured it when reading all of his works. Good job!
STRUCTURE:
The opening scene in present day worked great to set up what Griswold had become and from there the script kicked off where it needed to go. Great twists where they needed to be including the midpoint when Virginia gets consumption. But after that I felt like the script fell apart a bit into these massive fantasy retellings, which I’ll get to in the story section.
One other note, the constant return to present day worked well for me. They felt like nice reminders as well as showing progress and giving us a chance to catch our breath. Good job.
STORY:
Okay, so the reenactment of Poe’s stories. First I’m going to say that this is your script of course, and you tell whatever story you want to tell. Next I tell you that they don’t really seem to fit the story.
There’s a great drama here that plays between Griswold and Poe, and Poe’s works definitely have a role in the version of his life that you want to tell. One problem is that this begins to feel like a greatest hits. Look, here’s how this story came about! Now this one! I don’t mind The Mask of The Red Death reference, nor the reading of The Raven (although I don’t think you need to go to a reenactment of this scene). But while the tie-in with the tell-tale heart is masterful, I really don’t think we need to see it completely acted out with them in costume. This pulls me from the story and the drama of the scene. Even having Griswold reading from it would be better. In fact, if he just reads a few sections and does it without any vision that would be great. It would contrast later with Poe reading The Raven and completely enthralling he audience. Show the difference between a real storyteller and someone who doesn’t get it.
Not sure if I’ve said it yet. But the way Poe reads The Raven to his audience and then Griswold’s rejection feels like a really great scene in the hands of the writer actor.
In addition to removing the reenactments of The Raven and Tell-Tale Heart, the Cask of Amontillado story feels unnecessary for inclusion at all. I can see how it shows Poe’s increased hatred for Griswold, and it ties nicely back to Griswold talking about amontillado, but it takes me away from any real drama. It also doesn’t really fit in with this idea of Griswold being the main character and his reaction to Poe’s writings, as as far as I can tell, he never reads it. Truth be told, it’s somewhere around all of these reenactments that I start to lose interest in the story. The interplay between Poe/Griswold that interested me the most just seems to have vanished and I don’t really feel one final twist in their relationship that I’m hoping for.
A rebuttal to what I just said. I’m familiar with these stories, so much so that I was sometimes bored when they happened. People who aren’t familiar may enjoy this more. Additionally I could be way off and this could be a cool visual tool that sets the story apart from other biopics, it’s something you need to way. But at the least I think the Cask of Amontillado was too much.
Side note I just realized, Griswold walking away alone at the end may not be as big a revelation of him being pathetic and alone on screen as I think the script hopes. I’d almost like a callback to something about Charlotte and how he’s still trapped without a love as true as Poe’s/Virginia’s was. Not sure if that’s easy to do. Maybe by him still wearing a distinct wedding ring that can be called back to? Can be revealed if he takes off his bird shit covered glove? (I know his real life ending was different, but you know, it’s already taking license, so a little more wouldn’t hurt).
FORMAT/ETC.
The script was well formatted and I didn’t detect any spelling/grammatical errors, which all made for a very easy read. One problem was that there were a great deal of unfilmables included in the action of the script. I note on the specific ones further down in my review. And while I don’t care so much if an unfilmable is helping to introduce a character, or is setting mood, too often it gave away something to the reader that the audience wouldn’t know or get, so I would suggest removing those if possible.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
1: I’m torn on the use of unfilmables in action. I like the use of it in introducing a character (like you do in Griswold), but the second line of “He thinks of himself as a noble fellow…” will irk some people, and I’m probably one of those. I think you can get this same idea of practice/faux nobility without the line. What if he stands at attention, lifts his noble. Then thinks it over, adjusts his arm to a position of nobility. Etc. Or it can be made more apparent with the dialogue.
2: I like the way the raven is mixed into the story here, shows a lot of Griswold’s character and perhaps attitude towards Poe. Also like the jaunty Poe depiction.
2: There’s a few parts of action here that could be better as they aren’t in the moment of the script. The use of “but enters”, “raises the stick to rap again” and even lines like “walking stick instead” are examples. You don’t need “instead” there, you don’t need to include “to rap again”, and it can just be “…gate, he enters…”. The lines as written now reference previous parts of the line and take us out of the immediacy. Having said that, a lot of this is style. I feel a script works better when excluding those lines, but it’s ultimately your call.
3: “I’m chagrined…” this line reads weird, it a first seems like a response to something Griswold said, but then I sense that it’s her own shame. I think that it’s because it says “you find” instead of “you’d find”, which I realize is period dialect. This is something that would likely play fine when filming, but interrupts the flow slightly when reading.
6: “I like your place” feels a little weird, I’d expect Griswold to be a little more verbose after calling it a domiciliary residence a few seconds earlier.
7: “nee Clem” hmm, an unfilmable, but how important is it. I’d suggest omitting it, you’re telling the reader of a connection that the audience won’t know just from watching that introduction until page 9 when Mrs. Clem runs in. So give the reader the same reveal as the audience would have. Contrary, I’m ok with referencing Virginia as Poe’s husband on page 8 because their physical interaction would reveal that.
16: I may be showing my ignorance here, but what is a Daguerrotypist? It may be less distracting for a reader if another word was used (if one was suitable). (Ok, I googled it, they spell it as Daguerreotypist for some reason – extra e)
17: Condition? Hmm, that’s interesting, I wonder where it will go. One comment, while there has been solid character development so far, I feel a little lost in what I’m looking for. I think it’s supposed to be how Griswold went from a friend of Poe to an enemy (as seen in the beginning). But to achieve that I think Griswold needs to be warmer when he first goes into Poe’s home. Right now Griswold never really seems to like Poe, or there’s too much of a dark edge to it.
21: Hmm, not sure if we need to cut back to Charlotte with the VO here. I think I’d rather see the look on Griswold’s face as he lies.
24: Don’t know if you need “they have him cornered” we already know that from the rest of the scene and the sigh.
28: “under his arm to read at home”, don’t need the “to read at home” see that in the next scene and it isn’t apparent by the action.
39: FINALLY, Poe does something nice, or apologetic. I feel it’s a little too late though, at this point I find him somewhat unlikable, which is quite amazing since I find the actual Poe quite likable.
43: I like going back to 1849 here. It feels like a nice place to relax for a second.
47: Not sure if you need the O.S. for the knock at the door.
59: Dig the reference to the tell-tale heart.
60: s/b IN FRONT OF POE’S APARTMENT? ‘s?
65: The knife in the back may be a bit too much.
69: Hmm, not sure if this entire reenactment of the Tell-Tale heart is necessary. It feels like we’re getting away from our story too much, and I’m not sure what’s gained… I could be wrong on that, and it could also be that I know the story already so I feel bored.
86: Hmm, some may say that the reading of The Raven so much may be too much, but in the right actor’s hands this could be powerful. So much so that I don’t think cutting away to the poetic setting is necessary. I think it’s even detrimental. I want to see Poe reading it in the newsroom as it shifts tone, as it gets dark, as he gets more into it. That feels like a powerful scene.
99: First/last and only time in his life, is unnecessary and cannot be conveyed on screen.
102: “All I ever wanted was to love you and be loved by you” is a little corny of a line. Might be ok, but it stuck out as a bit cliché.
109: “bitter, alone, stained with birdshit”, feels a bit like an unfilmable.
110: I like the intercutting of Poe’s poem and Griswold’s obituary. Nice juxtaposition.
112: Nice final moment, I like that we don’t find out what she tells him, but still we get the feeling and the joy from it, which is a great final image for Poe.
Overall I really enjoyed “Evermore” and thought the characters of Griswold, Poe and Virginia were excellently drawn and told a compelling and creative story about how friends can be driven apart. I think it would work better if their friendship were sold better when we first see them playing off. Additionally to avoid making Poe just the villain we need him to be a bit more likable when first introduced and to establish why he hates Griswold. Besides that you know how I feel about the fantasy reenactments, but I may be in the minority with that and even I am a little torn.
I hope this review was somewhat useful, I really enjoyed the script and if the reenactments stay, then it’s pretty close to ready. If you have any questions about my review or other elements of the script I’d be more than happy to answer them. Regardless, great job, wonderful idea, and best of luck with the script! read -
A review of LOVE ME DEADby ProfRedSweater on 10/24/2011“Love Me Dead” is a well-written script that makes for a quick read. It makes bold decisions with the main character, and after Tony is murdered the pace and action plays out quite nicely. However, the long amount of time building up to the transition to act two really drags the script down and there are a few questionable points in the film that made me feel the writer’s... “Love Me Dead” is a well-written script that makes for a quick read. It makes bold decisions with the main character, and after Tony is murdered the pace and action plays out quite nicely. However, the long amount of time building up to the transition to act two really drags the script down and there are a few questionable points in the film that made me feel the writer’s hand, and thus took me out of the movie.
CONCEPT:
What this script is about really shifts midway. At first it’s all about cheaters, and how their actions can be a drain on their loved ones. This part drags on perhaps a bit too long, and has the feeling of a drama or possibly flipping over to some romantic film about moving on when the person you love doesn’t love you any more. Instead it flips into a story of a mad woman who delves into her own world and will do anything to get that perfect family life. It falls into those Fatal Attraction style films I suppose, but with a little different flavor. And I think in the end it’s a good idea for a thriller, I don’t know if that switch is really pulled off, but with a little more rewriting it should work.
DIALOGUE:
The characters had their own voices that were distinct and seemed about right, and I think that’s all you can really ask for in a script like this. There weren’t really any memorable lines of dialogue, but I’m not sure if that’s necessary.
CHARACTERS:
I’m sure you’ve got lots of comments about this already, as I see this script has been reviewed 33 times, but I just wanted to weigh in on the entire Natalie flipping to an insane woman aspect. I’m all for it. I think it sets the film apart and, obviously, it’s the story that you want to tell. However, I think she goes insane a little too fast, at least in the audiences eyes. Page 24 it’s hinted at a little, but then we really don’t get a new hint until page 73 when she pulls out the locket. The issue being that this doesn’t mean that she’s crazy, just that she probably killed Liz. So then on page 80 she starts talking to no one in particular as she’s making breakfast and BOOM, full on crazy. I think that’s too much too early. I’d love to see the game of who killed Tony played out a little longer, and more importantly I think it would be more effective if Natalie’s craziness comes on slower instead of one big “she’s crazy” tattoo stamped on her head. But that’s my opinion (as of course this all is), and I’m sure others have weighed in on it too.
The other characters all seem to be pretty decent, I understand who they are and their goals. I will say that Julie’s quick turn around back to loving Brody doesn’t feel quite right. Is she just doing it because she can’t stand to be by herself? It all seems too happy too easy. I want to know more about that.
Also Natalie’s family (Dad, Step-Mom, Patrick) all kind of fade away in the story and while I understand that they should be pushed back into the script at the end, it would be great to tie it more into the main story. This could really be done with just a simple line, when Sarah confronts Natalie at the door, Natalie can just give a simple line like “You don’t fit into my Norman Mailer picture”. Uhm, well not that line, but something to get the idea of her craziness and how she’s so intent on making that perfect family picture that she will cut out anything that doesn’t fit.
STRUCTURE:
Here’s my biggest problem. The shift into the second act takes way too long to happen. Really it takes place at page 50 when Tony is killed, and that’s too late to wait for that. Before this moment I feel lost in the story and honestly very bored. It’s because there’s no sense of urgency, nothing at stake, and no new conflict or questions to be asked. There’s also two seemingly unrelated storylines that I’m just twiddling my thumbs about waiting for them to interact. All that seems to be going on is that people are unhappy with their cheating relationships. But this has been going on forever (even pre-script) and I don’t really get the feeling that it’s building to something.
Around page 40 Brody leaves his wife (although I’m not sure why it’s tied to money and not just the cheating?) and that’s something, and after page 50 I think everything moves along greatly cause I know what’s at stake. Someone killed Tony, who did it? Will they get caught? What’s going on with the pregnancies? Etc. Etc. All that is great.
But we need to get there sooner or people will get bored. So what really needs to happen is that these first 50 pages needs to be cut down to 30-35. I know that isn’t the most useful advice, and it falls into BS formula arguments. But I don’t believe any audience member will be content sitting around for 50 minutes waiting for this to happen. They’ll be bored, much like I was. Also I think there’s plenty of fluff to cut before that. I think you can take out the dream sequence and also John/Julie’s post-sex scene just to start with, and also consider combining a few other scenes.
STORY:
The story starts out great with an attempted suicide and then everything set up really efficiently and gives us a great idea of who the characters are, and it also ends with a great pace. I also find that most of the in between is great too. There’s a ton of different red herrings too as to who killed Tony, and I love that. I really thought it was different people at different times for most of the film, so that’s great. So what I want to talk about here are just a few “bumps” in the story.
The first is the coincidences. George finding his daughter’s car on the bridge, Julie taking the son of the guy who saved her into the reading class, them all being at church. They all really bumped me, as I saw the hand of the writer forcing the characters together for the sense of the story. I’m willing to believe the first two, as they’re early in the story. But the third just feels forced and unnecessary, I’d suggest cutting it.
The next is the recognition issue. I’m just really not willing too buy that Brody and Natalie don’t recognize each other. I know it’s tried to be explained with the name change, hair change, and Brody’s line later, but it just doesn’t work for me as written. When they see each other at the park it feels completely fake and once again the hand of the writer shines through. The best way to possibly make this work is try to explain it earlier instead of trying to explain it later. Looking back, it does make sense that Natalie is unconscious when Brody pulls her out, and that Natalie is covered in makeup so he wouldn’t recognize her. But just one line earlier in the hospital (around page 8) from Brody after “who is she?” where he says “No idea, she could be your Aunt June under all that makeup, I had to double check to make sure she wasn’t just a corpse”. Or something like that, you get the idea.
The third is that it’s almost silly to imagine that Natalie could cut open the belly of Liz and pull out a live baby. That can work in a more extreme thriller (like a Silence of the Lambs perhaps), but if feels completely out of place here, and I really don’t buy it. Rethink this part and consider making it a little more grounded, or explain it better. I do like that Natalie carved her up though, it shows her insanity quite nicely.
Finally, I’m not really sure if the ending is as satisfying as I’d like. It’s a little too happy for everyone else while Natalie just takes care of herself by killing herself, and I don’t know what message that leaves us with? For some people happiness isn’t possible and they’re better of killing themselves then inflicting that sadness on other people? Yikes. That’s a bleak message. If that’s not the message, what is? All we need is love, but some don’t get it?
Here’s a few notes I had while reading:
2: As a script reader we get the VO is the guy in the picture, I’m not sure if an audience will make that connection. Possibly because the VO comes from nowhere. You could instead have her say it in a mocking self-deprecating way.
6: So far I’m enjoying it and don’t have much to say, the intercutting is working well.
16: This isn’t going to be the most helpful note, but something about the psychiatrist/Natalie scene doesn’t seem to flow right. It doesn’t feel quite organic.
17: Looks like there may be an extra space in front of (7)? Not sure though.
19: I’m a little worried with a few things at this point. First, I’m not really sure what the story is about right now, or the primary conflict that we’re dealing with. Second, this is another coincidence that feels a bit too convenient. The first being George finding Natalie’s car, and in case I wasn’t clear, the newest being that Julie is taking her son to Natalie’s readings. I’m willing to forgive coincidences this early, but it’s something to look out for.
20: Hmm, I assume the picture of Natalie’s Mom in her 30s is an older picture? It would be pretty weird if Natalie (also 30s) had a mother about the same age, so this may need clarifying.
24: Hmm, I’m worried about Natalie throwing away the pie here. It’s a strong move and shows how much she dislikes Sarah, but it also seems wasteful and kind of makes me hate her a bit. Natalie is really bordering that line of likable right now, and she can’t tip over to the wrong side. And with her huffing on the next page and her being a hypocrite when talking to the doctor it’s getting close. (Note: In retrospect you turned the protagonist into an unlikable psychopath. So this works well as foreshadowing).
28: I like the line from Tony where he says “we’re going to have to be more careful”, completely didn’t expect that.
34: Natalie’s reaction of “maybe we should be on a first name basis” doesn’t seem quite warranted by Dr. Frye’s comment. I think that comment may need to be more extreme (less professional) if that’s the response.
37: Hmm, another coincidence with the church now.
40: Page 40 is where it maybe starts to kick into the second act when Brody leaves Julie. But what is at stake? What’s the story? So far it’s just unhappy people cheating on each other, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking for besides that.
47: Maybe a kick into some second act for Natalie soon? Is Patrick going to kill Liz? At least he confronted her. (Note: This is actually a great red herring since Natalie is the murderer, so good job).
49: Ok, and she’s pregnant, which leads to Liz giving Tony an ultimatum and we have a timeline and a sense of urgency finally. But this is all too late, we’re 50 minutes into the film.
50: Ah-hah! The is the kickoff into the second act! Tony is murdered! Good! But about 20 pages need to be cut before this as it happens way too late.
66: maybe I read this wrong, but did Liz just drive all the way home with someone in her backseat and not notice it? That seems a tad unbelievable.
67: I can understand why Julie wouldn’t recognize Natalie, but it really seems that Brody would recognize the woman he saved and investigated, even with the short hair and different last name (I assume that’s the excuse as to why he doesn’t). Feels a little odd that he doesn’t at least give some sign of recognition.
73: Ok, nice twisting here. Natalie has the locket, and maybe the baby isn’t hers even? Not sure about that second part, but red herrings are good as well in these movies.
78: Hmm, I respect Brody a little less for sleeping with Julie after the thing with Natalie.
80: …okay… and now Natalie is obviously completely crazy. And our next thoughts go to fearing for Brody. It’s a strong move here to make your protagonist crazy and (perhaps) the villain. I’m interested to see if it works out.
84: The Xmas happiness is done well, it makes me want to be part of it too. I don’t really mind the sudden shift in that part of the relationship.
90: Uhm, I know Patty is set up as Liz’s baby, with the red hair and everything. But I’d find it very hard to believe that Natalie could cut her out of her safely, etc. I’ll see where this goes though.
97: There’s great tension so far and I feel like we’re racing towards an end, but perhaps a bit too much intercutting here as it’s getting a little irritating.
97: “so don’t wait dinner” seems an odd phrasing, I think a word might be missing.
105: “kill ya both”? The word “ya” seems really out of Natalie’s lexicon.
108: Same with the “im” on this page.
111: I don’t believe Brody’s explanation as to why he doesn’t recognize her here.
114: I’m not really satisfied with this ending. Not sure why. It just kind of feels a little “eh”.
Overall this is a well-crafted script, and while it’s good now it can be even better. The keys to that is to move up the second act so the hook of the story happens quicker, to answer a few plot inconsistencies, and to consider bringing along the revelation of a crazy Natalie a little slower. But all in all a nice effort. Congrats! read
Comments About ProfRedSweater 66
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jem422 on 04/17/2013
Hey there. I''m currently a graduate producing student at UCLA and would love to read your latest draft for "suicide shift" and talk more about it. My email is: jmanel@ucla.edu
Thanks!
Jennifer -
IsaacTheSalsaShark on 02/02/2013
Very helpful, good sir. Thanks, again!
Isaac
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IsaacTheSalsaShark on 02/01/2013
Hey, thanks a lot for the detailed review - it should be very helpful on the rewrite. I was just wondering if you could tell me, if you remember, any specific things that made you think Colby was dumb/unintelligent (because that's not really how I wanted him to come off).
But, again, thanks. Your review is seriously quite helpful.
Sincerely,
Isaac -
Davedge on 11/19/2012
Hey, It's Larson! You're right, they really have changed this place since I was last here.
Good seeing you tonight! -
mpm on 10/24/2012
Hi Alexander
I would love to read new version, please let me know best may to recieve.
Best
maureen
mpm
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lizzayn on 08/15/2012
I can't believe that Suicide Shift didn't advance to the semis at Page. That is an amazing screenplay. You were robbed. -
Revale on 07/15/2012
Whoot-whoot!!!! Congratulations on Suicide Shift advancing in the Page Awards. Told you it was awesome. Love being proved right. -
grey on 07/10/2012
ProfRedSweater wrote:
Interesting that Natalie was far worse than you portrayed, I wonder if she was always that way then, but why did Buster fall for her if that's the case? Or how did Natalie get to be so nasty? Maybe he married her more for political reasons because of her sister's marriage to Schenck.
Alex
Just a final thought on Natalie. Natalie's father was an alcoholic and deserted the family. Her mother bad-mouthed him and men in general and all the girls were reputed to have sharp tongues. Since her own career never flowered I think she became increasingly jealous of her sisters and Buster and this made her needy and resentful.
I don't know if Buster was being calculating in his choice of her - to strengthen his position with Schenck - but I'm sure it was in his thoughts. I think he was attracted to her, but also I have observed a tendency in men that even though they don't necessarily want a particular woman they don't want anyone else to have her. And there was a serious rival for her.
Sorry to go on about Keaton. He's consumed a lot of my spare time. I sent a revised SP to BlueCat and am waiting for their comments. I don't know if I want to do a major rewrite since I have another idea I'd like to get to, but if it feels like I'm close to the top ten, I might.
Anyway, thanks again for your time.
Tracy (grey) -
grey on 07/04/2012
Hi Prof!
My goodness, what a wonderful review. You have given me so much to consider. You're correct in thinking I am concerned about page count. Several items you touched on - the drinking, the relationship with Natalie, Buster's excitement over his early achievements were in my initial outline, but never even made it into a draft of the script because it would have been too long.
Others have made the comment that they did not feel like they really got to know Buster through my script. And after studying his films, reading his biography and biographies about him, watching several documentaries on him - I don't feel like I really know him either. And this is why I find him endlessly intriguing. The closest I ever got to getting a handle on him was in the documentary "Buster Keaton Rides Again". It can be found on YouTube if you're interested.
I know I sacrificed rounding out the other characters by choosing to show Buster's entire life, so I have to accept the consequences of that decision.
Just a side note on Natalie. I've actually shown her in a kinder light than she deserves. For example, the incident where she rejects Buster's gift of a house happened with another couple standing there. She chose to embarrass him in front of them. By the way, the other couple ended up buying the house. I would have told it this way, but it would have added characters and page count.
I appreciate the time you spent on this review and will definitly put it to good use.
Thanks again!
Tracy (grey)
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DebraSwan on 05/25/2012
Noticed, again, that Suicide Shift is featured - it reminded me of the read I did prior to it being uploaded and how impressed I was by it. Congrats!
Debra
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Comments About ProfRedSweater 66
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Quote
Hey there. I''m currently a graduate producing student at UCLA and would love to read your latest draft for "suicide shift" and talk more about it. My email is: jmanel@ucla.edu
-
Quote
Very helpful, good sir. Thanks, again!
-
Quote
Hey, thanks a lot for the detailed review - it should be very helpful on the rewrite. I was just wondering if you could tell me, if you remember, any specific things that made you think Colby was dumb/unintelligent (because that's not really how I wanted him to come off).
+ more commentsjem422 on 04/17/2013
Thanks!
Jennifer
IsaacTheSalsaShark on 02/02/2013
Isaac
IsaacTheSalsaShark on 02/01/2013
But, again, thanks. Your review is seriously quite helpful.
Sincerely,
Isaac