ravensdragonfly

A review of Elemental

by ravensdragonfly on 03/28/2011

I found myself not wanting to stop reading. I kept wanting to know what happens next and that is the hallmark of a very good book. The way you intertwined the elements and stories at the begining of each chapter with what was going on in this mans life was an interesting concept. Admittedly it went over my head at first (I am not the sharpest tool in the shed at times). I am... read

The Sown

A review of The Sown (rev)

by ravensdragonfly on 03/10/2011

WoW! This story held my attention from beggining to end! usually I tend to get detracted but not this time. Your writing is captivating and excellent. I love the way you kept building and building letting the situation grow more tense, you have perfect timing for this, well done! your grammar seemed imepecable. I only ran across two spelling errors; On page 5 - you wrote -... read

red bandana

A review of Relife/Bandana-- rewrite

by ravensdragonfly on 03/09/2011

What a wonderful little story! Your writing is getting better with each story you write and I am truely enjoying reading each one and watching how you progress. I loved how you paralleled the bandana in each characters life - it gives the reader a warm and fuzzy feeling. the only adivce I can offer: 1) You wrote - “What is that for?” The boy asked, fascinated by his youthful... read

(un)happy camper

A review of Victim of Happy Camp Revised

by ravensdragonfly on 03/08/2011

Quite an engaging tale of a young woman's adventures in a new town. I smiled when she drove to cave junction and went to a mexican resteraunt. My aunt lives in Cave junction and we have eaten at the mexican resteraunt a few times. I am not sure if you were writing about the same resteraunt but in my mind that was what I was imagining. I really felt for poor ingrid with all... Quite an engaging tale of a young woman's adventures in a new town. I smiled when she drove to cave junction and went to a mexican resteraunt. My aunt lives in Cave junction and we have eaten at the mexican resteraunt a few times. I am not sure if you were writing about the same resteraunt but in my mind that was what I was imagining.
I really felt for poor ingrid with all the terrible things that kept happening to her. You pulled me into the story and had me cheering for her when she finally decided to pack it in and get the heck out!
The only advice I offer is to
1) Watch the tense you use. What I mean is that you go from past tense to present tense (sometimes in the same paragraph). keep it either past or present tense but don't jump between the two unless you are recounting a memory or the like.
Just as an example of what I mean, on page 4 you wrote - Aligning the van to the far side of the weathered broken down deck and parked.
The word aligning is present tense while the word parked is past tense. I would write (past tense) she aligned the van to the far side of the weathered, broken down deck and parked.
2) The next thing to work on would be the conversations people are having. Most of the conversations do not seem natural to me. For instance (and this is a small example), on page 6 you wrote - “Of course we need a phone to call family, friends,in case of emergencies, and hooking up utilities.”
It would seem more natural to leave off the 'Of course' and just start the sentence with "We need..."
My advice is to sit and listen to peoples conversations or imagine you are having the conversation yourself. How would you say it?
write it exactly the way you think you would say it.
4) There are a lot of spelling errors that probaly wouldn't get caught by spell check - for instance - on page 22 you wrote - I think
I'm just tired of filling such anxiety. it should be feeling such anxiety, not filling.
go through the story, slowly, and check for these things (tense, spelling and conversations) - I think this story will clean up great :)
congrats on getting 200 pages written, I am having I hard emough time getting 100 pages written..lol. read

my story

A review of Tell Me a Story

by ravensdragonfly on 03/03/2011

You said you wanted advice on where to go with the story and plot issues so, using my imagination here is what I offer up to you in that aspect. First I want to say I enjoy your style and the story is quite captivating straight from the beggining. Now then, on to my suggestions. The first stumbling block I had was on page 1 in between the sentences 'Forget that, it doesn't... You said you wanted advice on where to go with the story and plot issues so, using my imagination here is what I offer up to you in that aspect.
First I want to say I enjoy your style and the story is quite captivating straight from the beggining.
Now then, on to my suggestions.
The first stumbling block I had was on page 1 in between the sentences 'Forget that, it doesn't matter.' and the next sentence of ' I advice him to' I had to re-read as it seemed to cut to fast away from what the man was thinking to what he was doing to some one else. it needs some filler in between. for instance when he says it doesn't matter - you could have him say all that matters is...
(All that matters is what I believe, not what you believe of me and right now I am doing my best to follow my own belief system by telling this man in front of me to kiss the pavement...) something like that anyways.
How about the man (the killer, for want of a better word) has flashbacks while he is talking to his victims - flashbacks of his own childhood - the kind of flashbacks that show how this man grew up to be who and what he is today.
Another avenue to explore is how he chooses his victims. Are they actual criminals that got away with their crimes and he is taking the law into his own hands? are they just random people in the wrong place at the wrong time? perhaps they have attributes about them that he is looking for in his army in the afterlife?
Those should be good ideas to help you expand for now (I hope anyways).
The only other issue I had was with the story that the victim told the murderer before he died. that is a pretty gruesome tale to be sharing with a man you are afraid of. If it is/was a true tale then the victim would not have shared that - I believe he would have tried to tell a story of happiness to make his murderer less inclined to kill him and if it was a made up story I just cannot see a man making up that kind of story out of the blue.
please, please let me know when you rewrite this story. I truely want to read it. I enjoy your style and I think it has great promise. read

childhood bully

A review of BULLY OF THE YEAR

by ravensdragonfly on 03/03/2011

Your story was well written and thought provoking. I am sure everyone has had a childhood bully like this at one point in their lives. The structure and spelling seemed flawless. My general thought would be to expand this story by adding a bit more information. for instance, on page 2 you stated that Dick's parrents did not tolerate any misbehavior from their children. Perhaps... read

what dreams bring

A review of The Queens of Dreams

by ravensdragonfly on 03/02/2011

I love the premise for this story! This has great potential. I think one way to bring more life into this story would be to be more descriptive. for example - you wrote 'moma's funeral was a terrible thing' but you didn't say why. was it terrible because it hurt so much emotionaly or because the weather was bad? or maybe nothing went right the day of the funeral? Bring the... read

the repair man

A review of The Repair Man

by ravensdragonfly on 02/14/2011

This story was excellently written! It pulled me right in and I didn't want to stop reading. You have a talent for keeping the reader on edge and curious about what will happen next. A few things I noticed: Page 1 - you wrote - The small bateau slithered through the murky waters I just cannot see a bateau slithering - maybe glided would be a better descriptor? **************************************... read

bombed

A review of Henry's Ds #5 Lets Get Bombed

by ravensdragonfly on 02/09/2011

What an interesting story you have written. I have always had a fondness for gangster type tales. The first bit of advice that I can offer is that you need more descriptive detail. Right now it reads like a 'see spot run' book. What I mean is give me enough description so that I can imagine the scene in my mind. For instance: what kind of suit case? what color was it? did the... read

my perspective

A review of PERSPECTIVE (Novel)

by ravensdragonfly on 02/02/2011

What a great story! I was pulled right in and enjoyed every moment. I must admit that I am still a tad confused on a few points but I am a person that is easily confused. LOL. I made five pages of notes so I am going to try and type them up the best way possible, if there is something you do not understand or need clarification on please do not hesitate to email me :) most... read

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