RBin2011
member since 06/16/2010 |
last login 01/23/2013
I have a great passion to write. Sometimes my characters keep me up at night, so I have to get up and write their stories down so I can get some sleep. I thank you wonderful members of TS for reading and...
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Bio
I have a great passion to write. Sometimes my characters keep me up at night, so I have to get up and write their stories down so I can get some sleep. I thank you wonderful members of TS for reading and responding to my work, and I hope I can give you some helpful feedback as well.
Submissions by RBin2011
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by RBin2011 54
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A review of The Spooky Eliteby RBin2011 on 06/14/2012Review the Spooky Elite This screenplay seems like the colorful action-packed daydream of an avid video gamer. It shows how, in the not-too distant future, ground wars can be fought remotely by robots. I imagine the next step would be both sides have robots, then the robots would find and battle with the contollers, and on and on. But I digress, onto the script. First,... Review the Spooky Elite
This screenplay seems like the colorful action-packed daydream of an avid video gamer. It shows how, in the not-too distant future, ground wars can be fought remotely by robots. I imagine the next step would be both sides have robots, then the robots would find and battle with the contollers, and on and on. But I digress, onto the script.
First, although the plot is fairly predictable, it is sprinkled with some interesting characters and the action keeps your attention. The main characters are fairly well developed, especially Doc, but there could be more. There are a few throwaway characters who serve only to detract from the plot i.e. tony's boss at the gas station, the two afghans who release Mark and Darius, the poor soul who is hanged and burned. Which, by the way, loses its impact because we don't know this character.
There are two antagonists, Said and Maj Hill. Hill is not believable, a stereotyped character who needs more subtlety, motivation and quirks in order to fulfill his role.
The character Mark needs more development. For example, what was his relationship with Chad like?
The subplot of Doc's divorce never really goes anywhere. This could be used to further character development. In summary, a good screenplay that could be improved by a less predictable plot, better character development and deletion or development of several secondary characters.
a few random thoughts and notations during my read-through:
A few spelling errors and repeated sentences/ clauses.
Pg 3 POV descriptions confusing
Pg 4 28 is awfully young for a Major
And he's already gunning for LTC?!
Pg Doc's remarks on divorce seem like clumsy exposition
Pg 12-13 nice transition to the brother in Afghanistan.
I have a problem with the development of Hill's character. A Major would never address a General this way, even with his connections. His ring polishing is an eye roller, as was his previous future rank modelling in the rest room. His ego and ambition can be shown in more interesting and subtle ways.
Pg 27 Beginning to wonder why Doc hasn't been notified of his son's capture..
Pg 28 i imagine the video game nerd is going to save the day. I hope not, too predictable.
It was weird to have Doc hauled off by the MP's, then seen next at his home as if nothing happened.
Pg 79 it seems highly unlikely that this weapons system, still early in development, would have active, armed units satellite deployed.
The action scenes seem realistic and vivid.
Well, I guess I didn't foresee the asthma attack, even though it was well foreshadowed, but seems senseless in that Tony saves the day. Would be more satisfying if it were Doc who mans the controls. And by the way, doesn't make sense that the creators of all this technology would be using keyboards/mouse. read -
A review of The Secondby RBin2011 on 10/29/2010Wow, I'm thrilled to be assigned with some historical fiction. I love to learn a bit of history while being entertained. This feels like a first draft, but there are some quite good elements. Overall, there are too many characters. Not just necessary extras to serve as background, but characters that seem to be quite important for a while, but then sort of fade into the fabric... Wow, I'm thrilled to be assigned with some historical fiction. I love to learn a bit of history while being entertained.
This feels like a first draft, but there are some quite good elements. Overall, there are too many characters. Not just necessary extras to serve as background, but characters that seem to be quite important for a while, but then sort of fade into the fabric. I didn't know who the protagonist was.
There is also too much wordy description. Although the dueling scenes are fun and pulled me in, they get repetative. At first I wondered why the dueling for minor offenses. Then it was explained later with several on the nose expositions, instead of slowly becoming evident.
The dialog also needs a vast amount of trimming. Many times the dialog repeats what's in the narrative and vice versa.
Now for the too little. Too little story. A turf battle for the land and hearts of France. That seems huge, but somehow, it isn't, because the characters fail to engage, be real, have multiple dimensions.
I loved the humor. Would like more. I'll point out a few great lines in my page by page.
I'd like to see a clear romantic element, instead of a bunch of baudy flings we hear about, but don't actually see. Bottom line, I want to see some real relationships happening.
I liked Nicole and Henri together, thought something was happening there, then no, he just takes up with someone else.
The structure needs some work. I would be hard pressed to do a beat sheet, if your intention was to follow a traditional format. And it's not off the wall enough to merit a departure fScrrom the expected three act structure.
You have a gift for painting vivid scenes and characters. Now wrestle them down to a manageble amount, and you will have a better story.
Best of luck!
Page notes:
Page one:
Fade in should be left justified. Don’t repeat information slug line/narrative/voice over. Don’t give camera directions. No spaces between paragraphs of dialog.
Don’t use “we” in narrative.
Pg 3. Too many characters introduced.
Show don’t tell: “serves when forced to.” Show this in action. “Recently arrived from Paris” how do we know this?” If you were Tarantino you could put balloons with the info over their heads.
I don’t know what the parenthetical “jinx” means.
Pg 5 They’re going to duel over a few raunchy mother/sister jokes?
Pg 10. If one gun was rigged, why did he get to choose?
Pg 12 confusing, “stand sideways, face your enemy” Which is it? Does he mean body sideways, head faces enemy?
Pg 16 Description of the duel goes on too long, is boring, and somehow, despite all the detail, I’m still not quite sure what happened. Is he really trying to kill him, while making it seem a “friendly” duel?
“Breakfast already consumed.
Remnants of an egg, coffee, are still on table.”
These two sentences say the same thing. The second sentence is the one to use, the first one is an unfilmable.
“He was up with the sun.” How do we know this?
Pg 18 “Philippe loves her, and she him.” Again, how do we know this? I won’t point out further examples of this.
Pg 20. Need to label as a flashback in scene heading.
Pg 24. “They are walking through camp. In the foreground, a cook
with a hatchet takes the head off a chicken.” =
They walk through camp. A cook beheads a chicken with a hatchet behind them.
“indigo’s nose” typo?
Pg 25 Whose story is this? Another new character, Richelieu, who has extensive dialog. Not really interested, because I don’t know him yet.
Pg 28 “Brigitte gets it, is concerned and turned on.” I don’t get it.
Pg 30 trying to brace ourselves
for another hour of cats mating in
German-- = funny.
Pg 31 id= did
Pg 32 nice action sequence, but I’m not sure of the point. Were they poisoning him, or giving him strength, or just messing with him?
Pg 35-37 more boring gun details. Brownian motion? What the heck is Marcel dueling for anyway?
Pg 40. What? We finally get to some romance, maybe a juicy love scene??? after all the gun play, and then, nothing. Disappointed.
Pg 52 Lots of long winded, on the nose dialog.
I’m still having a hard time getting into the story, because I don’t know whose story it is.
So Phillipe is the illegitamite son of the king. Interesting.
Pg 56. “SIMONE, Lysette, Claudine, Nicole & Josephine in a group,
sharpening their claws and checking the available prospects.” This is so funny! Too bad it won’t be seen/heard by the audience.
Pg 62 The character stole the words right out of my mouth, “Instead of lecturing, your professors
should shoot at you. It might help you
focus!”
Pg 67. Nice seen with Nicole and Henri, but feels like it comes too late and the dialog needs a lot of trimming.
Love this line,” Or an older gentleman, with
plenty of property and a very bad
cough.”
Pg 69 Henri with Brigitte? What happened to Nicole? If he is so committed and tired from running his school, why is he catting around so?
Pg 72. Big blocks of action, big blocks of dialog. Would like to see it mixed up a bit more.
Pg 78. Forgot Brigitte was in the scene. Maybe give her a reaction shot or something. Nicely described swordfight.
Pg 83 Is the Pascaline relevant to the story?
read -
A review of The Touch (r.2)by RBin2011 on 09/23/2010The concept of this script is interesting, a boy/man with a special healing power is also cursed by it. The story is well written and an enjoyable read. There is a nice balance between action and dialog, and the writer paints vivid pictures without resorting to novelistic writing. But in order to be of any assistance, I must think of things that would improve it, so here goes... The concept of this script is interesting, a boy/man with a special healing power is also cursed by it. The story is well written and an enjoyable read. There is a nice balance between action and dialog, and the writer paints vivid pictures without resorting to novelistic writing.
But in order to be of any assistance, I must think of things that would improve it, so here goes. I find some of the characters disturbing in their actions, as their motives have not been explained, nor do we know enough about them to justify them.
For example, Bryce, the antagonist, seems hell bent on murdering Lucas early on. We understand he would be angry with him for shooting a prize bull (but he had cancer, no?) and for reporting a terrible, contagious disease. Hmmmm. These don’t seem like murderous offenses to me.
Emily , I believe is supposed to be an overprotective mother, but she comes across, especially in the beginning, as neglectful, perhaps even abusive.
Darcy’s distain for and failure to recognize Lucas when she meets him twenty years later is puzzling.
We discover Lucas’s special powers as a number of small events and clues are given. I think this drags a bit, would like to see something more dramatic happen, perhaps to a loved one- his mother being the only likely victim. He saves his mother and we immediately identify with him, instead of trying to get to know this weird little boy.
I have to chuckle at the “save the kitten” moment. A little screenwriter humor there?
This is not necessarily a criticism, but an observation , there are a number of unfamiliar words, maybe Aussie , but perhaps related to the veterinary world. Here are a few I noted: lucerne, cascase, bonnet (hood). Not that you shouldn't use more unfamiliar words, we can all learn something from each other, just thought I'd pass it on.
Thank you for this imaginative sp. I think you are an awesome writer.
RB read
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Submissions by RBin2011
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by RBin2011 54
-
A review of The Spooky Eliteby RBin2011 on 06/14/2012Review the Spooky Elite This screenplay seems like the colorful action-packed daydream of an avid video gamer. It shows how, in the not-too distant future, ground wars can be fought remotely by robots. I imagine the next step would be both sides have robots, then the robots would find and battle with the contollers, and on and on. But I digress, onto the script. First,... Review the Spooky Elite
This screenplay seems like the colorful action-packed daydream of an avid video gamer. It shows how, in the not-too distant future, ground wars can be fought remotely by robots. I imagine the next step would be both sides have robots, then the robots would find and battle with the contollers, and on and on. But I digress, onto the script.
First, although the plot is fairly predictable, it is sprinkled with some interesting characters and the action keeps your attention. The main characters are fairly well developed, especially Doc, but there could be more. There are a few throwaway characters who serve only to detract from the plot i.e. tony's boss at the gas station, the two afghans who release Mark and Darius, the poor soul who is hanged and burned. Which, by the way, loses its impact because we don't know this character.
There are two antagonists, Said and Maj Hill. Hill is not believable, a stereotyped character who needs more subtlety, motivation and quirks in order to fulfill his role.
The character Mark needs more development. For example, what was his relationship with Chad like?
The subplot of Doc's divorce never really goes anywhere. This could be used to further character development. In summary, a good screenplay that could be improved by a less predictable plot, better character development and deletion or development of several secondary characters.
a few random thoughts and notations during my read-through:
A few spelling errors and repeated sentences/ clauses.
Pg 3 POV descriptions confusing
Pg 4 28 is awfully young for a Major
And he's already gunning for LTC?!
Pg Doc's remarks on divorce seem like clumsy exposition
Pg 12-13 nice transition to the brother in Afghanistan.
I have a problem with the development of Hill's character. A Major would never address a General this way, even with his connections. His ring polishing is an eye roller, as was his previous future rank modelling in the rest room. His ego and ambition can be shown in more interesting and subtle ways.
Pg 27 Beginning to wonder why Doc hasn't been notified of his son's capture..
Pg 28 i imagine the video game nerd is going to save the day. I hope not, too predictable.
It was weird to have Doc hauled off by the MP's, then seen next at his home as if nothing happened.
Pg 79 it seems highly unlikely that this weapons system, still early in development, would have active, armed units satellite deployed.
The action scenes seem realistic and vivid.
Well, I guess I didn't foresee the asthma attack, even though it was well foreshadowed, but seems senseless in that Tony saves the day. Would be more satisfying if it were Doc who mans the controls. And by the way, doesn't make sense that the creators of all this technology would be using keyboards/mouse. read -
A review of The Secondby RBin2011 on 10/29/2010Wow, I'm thrilled to be assigned with some historical fiction. I love to learn a bit of history while being entertained. This feels like a first draft, but there are some quite good elements. Overall, there are too many characters. Not just necessary extras to serve as background, but characters that seem to be quite important for a while, but then sort of fade into the fabric... Wow, I'm thrilled to be assigned with some historical fiction. I love to learn a bit of history while being entertained.
This feels like a first draft, but there are some quite good elements. Overall, there are too many characters. Not just necessary extras to serve as background, but characters that seem to be quite important for a while, but then sort of fade into the fabric. I didn't know who the protagonist was.
There is also too much wordy description. Although the dueling scenes are fun and pulled me in, they get repetative. At first I wondered why the dueling for minor offenses. Then it was explained later with several on the nose expositions, instead of slowly becoming evident.
The dialog also needs a vast amount of trimming. Many times the dialog repeats what's in the narrative and vice versa.
Now for the too little. Too little story. A turf battle for the land and hearts of France. That seems huge, but somehow, it isn't, because the characters fail to engage, be real, have multiple dimensions.
I loved the humor. Would like more. I'll point out a few great lines in my page by page.
I'd like to see a clear romantic element, instead of a bunch of baudy flings we hear about, but don't actually see. Bottom line, I want to see some real relationships happening.
I liked Nicole and Henri together, thought something was happening there, then no, he just takes up with someone else.
The structure needs some work. I would be hard pressed to do a beat sheet, if your intention was to follow a traditional format. And it's not off the wall enough to merit a departure fScrrom the expected three act structure.
You have a gift for painting vivid scenes and characters. Now wrestle them down to a manageble amount, and you will have a better story.
Best of luck!
Page notes:
Page one:
Fade in should be left justified. Don’t repeat information slug line/narrative/voice over. Don’t give camera directions. No spaces between paragraphs of dialog.
Don’t use “we” in narrative.
Pg 3. Too many characters introduced.
Show don’t tell: “serves when forced to.” Show this in action. “Recently arrived from Paris” how do we know this?” If you were Tarantino you could put balloons with the info over their heads.
I don’t know what the parenthetical “jinx” means.
Pg 5 They’re going to duel over a few raunchy mother/sister jokes?
Pg 10. If one gun was rigged, why did he get to choose?
Pg 12 confusing, “stand sideways, face your enemy” Which is it? Does he mean body sideways, head faces enemy?
Pg 16 Description of the duel goes on too long, is boring, and somehow, despite all the detail, I’m still not quite sure what happened. Is he really trying to kill him, while making it seem a “friendly” duel?
“Breakfast already consumed.
Remnants of an egg, coffee, are still on table.”
These two sentences say the same thing. The second sentence is the one to use, the first one is an unfilmable.
“He was up with the sun.” How do we know this?
Pg 18 “Philippe loves her, and she him.” Again, how do we know this? I won’t point out further examples of this.
Pg 20. Need to label as a flashback in scene heading.
Pg 24. “They are walking through camp. In the foreground, a cook
with a hatchet takes the head off a chicken.” =
They walk through camp. A cook beheads a chicken with a hatchet behind them.
“indigo’s nose” typo?
Pg 25 Whose story is this? Another new character, Richelieu, who has extensive dialog. Not really interested, because I don’t know him yet.
Pg 28 “Brigitte gets it, is concerned and turned on.” I don’t get it.
Pg 30 trying to brace ourselves
for another hour of cats mating in
German-- = funny.
Pg 31 id= did
Pg 32 nice action sequence, but I’m not sure of the point. Were they poisoning him, or giving him strength, or just messing with him?
Pg 35-37 more boring gun details. Brownian motion? What the heck is Marcel dueling for anyway?
Pg 40. What? We finally get to some romance, maybe a juicy love scene??? after all the gun play, and then, nothing. Disappointed.
Pg 52 Lots of long winded, on the nose dialog.
I’m still having a hard time getting into the story, because I don’t know whose story it is.
So Phillipe is the illegitamite son of the king. Interesting.
Pg 56. “SIMONE, Lysette, Claudine, Nicole & Josephine in a group,
sharpening their claws and checking the available prospects.” This is so funny! Too bad it won’t be seen/heard by the audience.
Pg 62 The character stole the words right out of my mouth, “Instead of lecturing, your professors
should shoot at you. It might help you
focus!”
Pg 67. Nice seen with Nicole and Henri, but feels like it comes too late and the dialog needs a lot of trimming.
Love this line,” Or an older gentleman, with
plenty of property and a very bad
cough.”
Pg 69 Henri with Brigitte? What happened to Nicole? If he is so committed and tired from running his school, why is he catting around so?
Pg 72. Big blocks of action, big blocks of dialog. Would like to see it mixed up a bit more.
Pg 78. Forgot Brigitte was in the scene. Maybe give her a reaction shot or something. Nicely described swordfight.
Pg 83 Is the Pascaline relevant to the story?
read -
A review of The Touch (r.2)by RBin2011 on 09/23/2010The concept of this script is interesting, a boy/man with a special healing power is also cursed by it. The story is well written and an enjoyable read. There is a nice balance between action and dialog, and the writer paints vivid pictures without resorting to novelistic writing. But in order to be of any assistance, I must think of things that would improve it, so here goes... The concept of this script is interesting, a boy/man with a special healing power is also cursed by it. The story is well written and an enjoyable read. There is a nice balance between action and dialog, and the writer paints vivid pictures without resorting to novelistic writing.
But in order to be of any assistance, I must think of things that would improve it, so here goes. I find some of the characters disturbing in their actions, as their motives have not been explained, nor do we know enough about them to justify them.
For example, Bryce, the antagonist, seems hell bent on murdering Lucas early on. We understand he would be angry with him for shooting a prize bull (but he had cancer, no?) and for reporting a terrible, contagious disease. Hmmmm. These don’t seem like murderous offenses to me.
Emily , I believe is supposed to be an overprotective mother, but she comes across, especially in the beginning, as neglectful, perhaps even abusive.
Darcy’s distain for and failure to recognize Lucas when she meets him twenty years later is puzzling.
We discover Lucas’s special powers as a number of small events and clues are given. I think this drags a bit, would like to see something more dramatic happen, perhaps to a loved one- his mother being the only likely victim. He saves his mother and we immediately identify with him, instead of trying to get to know this weird little boy.
I have to chuckle at the “save the kitten” moment. A little screenwriter humor there?
This is not necessarily a criticism, but an observation , there are a number of unfamiliar words, maybe Aussie , but perhaps related to the veterinary world. Here are a few I noted: lucerne, cascase, bonnet (hood). Not that you shouldn't use more unfamiliar words, we can all learn something from each other, just thought I'd pass it on.
Thank you for this imaginative sp. I think you are an awesome writer.
RB read -
A review of The Killing Yearsby RBin2011 on 08/28/2010First, I love time travel stories. The possiblilites for re-visiting the past, and changing the present/future are intriguing. However, the conundrum is, since of course this is impossible, we must suspend our beliefs of what is possible. Therefore, we must have rules in this new universe, or we endlessly wonder, how can this happen? This is my only big concern for this sp,... First, I love time travel stories. The possiblilites for re-visiting the past, and changing the present/future are intriguing. However, the conundrum is, since of course this is impossible, we must suspend our beliefs of what is possible.
Therefore, we must have rules in this new universe, or we endlessly wonder, how can this happen? This is my only big concern for this sp, that we don't really know the rules. Do happenings in the past always and immediately change the present/future? Do the time travelers have memories of both times they went through certain time periods? Which reality becomes real?
Some review of the computer technology of 1998 might point out some problems. For example, I don't think laptops were common then, not something everyone automatically had as they were very expensive.
A proofread is in order, there are typos and confusing lines. I will point out some examples in my page by page.
Also, some conventions of specs were lacking, such as avoid 'we sees' camera angles and unfilmables.
The sub-plot of Teddy and his longing for a career in stand-up comedy is not quite working. Mostly because his lines are not, (and admittedly so) funny. Work on those lines to make them funny, take out the references to his audience not likeing the material. Then you will have some comic relief and character development rolled into one, which I think is your goal.
The dialog is not distinguishable between characters. (Except when Teddy is doing comedy.)
The plot moves along quite nicely, although it takes a bit too much time to get to the time travel
Sameroff is an interesting antagonist, although I never really bought into his intense desire to kill off Macie. Is it because he loved her and couldn't have her, was jealous of Griffin? If so, this should be brought out more. His mercy killing reasoning does not match up with her alcoholism. I find the Michael, the psychic character confusing and unnecessary.
The concept is strong, with plenty of action, crime and fantasy to be had.
Following are my thoughts during my read-through. Good luck, and thank you for sharing.
Pg 1 It’s (a) miserable outside.
Unfilmable: ‘’ There is an
emptiness behind his eyes.’
Avoid ‘we see’
Pg 2 ‘bottle of (find) whiskey
‘Forensic Agnet’ – Agent
How do they have a medical report at a crime scene?
Pg 5/6 Macie’s first blck of exposition is more cleverly disguised than the second.
Pg 6 It’s an odd but compelling sight.’ Strange statement for a description of a very ordinary sounding action. Also unfilmable, and revealed in following dialog.
Omit revealed.
Pg 8 Teddy’s unfunny jokes just takes away from the story. Who is the main character, anyway?
Pg 12 love the brewery explosion
Pg 13 Thought Macie was his ex-wife.
What? I thought Teddy was poisoned/killed
Pg 14 Don’t need Dissolve to
Pg 15 interesting, surviver guilt. Especially since he was so angry/cool to her.
Pg 21 ‘From behind Griffin sees she
wears a Columbia sweatshirt tied around her waist.
= edit
Pg 22 Interesting, I thought maybe he had leaped into the future, but seems like it’s the past.
Pg 24. Wouldn’t all the cars being 1998 and earlier models clued him in, or at least seemed odd? He’s in the streets of NYC, how could he miss this?
Pg 26 ‘Griffin watches her go
through the front window.’ Hehe, sounds like she goes through the window.
Pg 28 ‘different crowd, a different bunch’ = redundant
Pg 33 I wonder if a CD Rom made in present day would play in 1998 technology, and even if she would have a CD reader in her computer, more likely 1.44 floppy.
Pg 40 I’m confused, what makes him think the criminal is also time travelling? Maybe he’s just been committing the crimes for the past ten years.
Pg 43 I thought Teddy threw out the files
Pg 44 ‘the past, and that
changed the file.’ Teddy just said the file was exactly the same. What changed, other than it was yellowed, which we expect to be from age?
Pg 48 a shadowy, dark figure in a long coat is a little cliché. This is how they pick out the murderer?
Pg 54 How does Teddy know she becomes his wife?
Pg 55 Cop carrying around a laptop in 1998?
The importance of Michael Smith (the psychic artist, right?) is escaping me. Must have missed something.
Pg 60 Was she knocked over by pigeons?
Pg 62 Seems she was knocked out, bedbound, then all of a sudden it’s ‘come with me’?
Pg 65 Why would he get in a strange car with a total stranger?
Pg 70 How does he have the choice whether to stay in 1998 or not? He doesn’t seem to be in control of his time travel.
Don’t get why Sameroff is so bent on killing Macie. Because she drinks? Why not try a little simpler intervention?
Pg 97 Somehow the threat of murder is less threatening when it can be quickly undone.
Pg 103 This is odd: ‘raising his fun.’
Pg 105 Why does he shoot old Sameroff, if he’s dying anyway? What happened to Griffin here? Is he still suffering from the gunshot in 1998?
Why does Teddy die at a women’s prison.
Why does Macie say she has missed him for so long, when she taped this in 1998 shortly after they were together?
read -
A review of Silver Liningby RBin2011 on 08/16/2010Cool sp. I never did understand why the victims sighed when faced with imminent death, but let that remain a mystery. Along with the exact nature of the creature. All in all, a well told story. There are a few typos and grammatical errors to clean up, but nothing major. I think there are a few too many characters to keep track of, at least too many unloaded up front. I'm not... Cool sp. I never did understand why the victims sighed when faced with imminent death, but let that remain a mystery. Along with the exact nature of the creature.
All in all, a well told story. There are a few typos and grammatical errors to clean up, but nothing major.
I think there are a few too many characters to keep track of, at least too many unloaded up front. I'm not sure Molly, Frederick and Will add enough to the story to merit their time. Perhaps better to build on the relationship with Nils?
I absolutely loved the characters Howard and Edgar. They were both quite witty and savvy.
It was also nice to see a thriller type sp that wasn't full of nubile 16 year olds. The setting in the older set actually gave it a fresh feel. That said, there was too much repetition of the slow moving, boring senior's activities. The cronies were a bit of a bore, too, not nasty enough to be true antagonists, I thought at first they were part of the Doctor's evil plot, but turns out they were just nosy, nasty old biddies with power issues. I think they can be minimized or deleted, so you can focus on Howard, Sarah, Edgar, Charlie,Doctor and his goons. The drippy setting of the northwest and the whole Bigfoot myth also added to the enjoyment of this piece.
Congratulations on writing a very readable and at times very funny script. Good luck.
Following are a few notes I took during my read through. They are not necessarily criticisms, but generally are things that took me out of the story, or may need fixing.
Pg 3 Why does Frederick dig the prescription from Molly’s purse, since he’s driving and she is sitting there?
Pg 4 and already eight characters introduced.
Pg 6 nice intro to Edgar, love that stiff as a board comeback.
Pg 15 Grammar error: ‘On the
gurneys are full body bags.’
Pg 36 No need to keep reminding us they move slowly and the oxygen units PSSSHHHt
unfilmables
Pg 55 Did Will have a birthday? Was 12, now 13.
Pg 77 How did Edgar and Charlie find Howard? Follow golf cart tracks? Show it.
Pg 86 Why does Danforth hate old people so much? Did his grandparents abuse him or something?
Pg 90 Frederick carries Will? The boy is 13 and probably could outrun his dad.
Pg 94 of the road= off the road
Pg 97 Missing word: ‘I know hit
something.’
Pg 98 Danforth’s hatred explained. A predictalble explanation, but at least it's explained.
Pg 104 Why aren’t the others- Sarah, Frederick, defending Howard by telling Nils the monster is real?
Guns exchanging around, confusing who is currently in control? Incomplete: ‘drops Nils’.’ Drops Nils’ gun?
Pg 106 Really no need for Danforth to explain this all again. read -
A review of Romeo & Juliet; Lite Shakespeare (rev2)by RBin2011 on 08/16/2010The writer has taken Shakespeare's possibly most well know tragedy and turned it on its head to make a comedy. A dark comedy, not a lite comedy, as the title would imply, as how can a tragedy be a lite comedy? That aside, it is a pleasant little read, with plenty of funny one liners. The main problem is, that this is a stage play. It is so dialog heavy, I have great difficulty... The writer has taken Shakespeare's possibly most well know tragedy and turned it on its head to make a comedy. A dark comedy, not a lite comedy, as the title would imply, as how can a tragedy be a lite comedy?
That aside, it is a pleasant little read, with plenty of funny one liners. The main problem is, that this is a stage play. It is so dialog heavy, I have great difficulty seeing it in film. There are a few head scratching moments, and I confess that it has been years since I've read/saw the original work, so it very well may be that these are things I should know from the classic. For example, the Peddlers relatationship with the couple. He is in love with Juliet, and this is why he acts as he does with Romeo?
The ending stays true (I think) to the original, but then we have the references to night cream and plastic knives. I'm sure it's supposed to be humorous, but it just took me out of the scene. Better to keep the humor in the funny twists on the period dialog.
I have just a few notes I wrote during my read-through, I hope this is helpful.
Best luck, and thanks for the entertaining read.
‘Such a muddle they must make,
for one loves too deep
and the other not enough’
Love this line? Is it yours, or Shakespeare’s?
Pg 18 Why does Peddler think his fly is open? Romeo was waving at the stairs, not his crotch.
Pg 19 The love/hate thing on the stairs is confusing. What am I missing? Maybe something in the original R&J, it’s been a long time since I read it.
Pg 28 Funny bit with his former girlfriends’ names.
Why is the Peddler so interested in Romeo’s lovelife?
Pg 37 Very dialog heavy
Pg 40 Tied to the doghouse, hehe
Pg 61 This is much more like a stage play than film. read -
A review of Indidriftby RBin2011 on 08/11/2010Josh, First, congratulations on writing this, it's a lot of hard work, no? But on to the review. The strong points have to be your characters, each clearly stands out with a distinct personality and voice. I'm not saying I liked them, which I will get to in a moment, but they are well drawn, which is an accomplishment. I think the weakest part of your script is the lack of... Josh,
First, congratulations on writing this, it's a lot of hard work, no?
But on to the review. The strong points have to be your characters, each clearly stands out with a distinct personality and voice. I'm not saying I liked them, which I will get to in a moment, but they are well drawn, which is an accomplishment. I think the weakest part of your script is the lack of a sense of building tension and conflict, thereby keeping the reader interested. The characters' motivations are quite clear, but the nuances of why they feel/act as they do are not. The second weaker link is your protagonist, Shane. He is a selfish, weak, and unloveable creature, who lusts after the wrong girl and generally fails to raise much interest. It is not necessary, of course, to have a sweetheart hero that everyone loves, but it is necessary to have one that draws you into their story.
I admit to being more bothered by typos/spelling/grammatical errors than I should be, but they just distract me from the story. You do have a few, example,
Pg 6 remover= remove.
Your dialog could use some punching up. It is wordy and/or wooden at times:
Pg 28 Perfect. Dean Second really knows
how to get those together.
Pg 41 I still have the same feelings for
you I hope you know
So, keep working on this, your characters deserve it! read -
A review of The Butterfly Casketby RBin2011 on 08/02/2010I was delighted to be assigned this sp, as I had seen it on the top 10 list. It does have an intriguing concept, and a satisfying ending, but I don't think it's there yet. Primarily the story is uneven. It takes a long time to find out what the story is about. I think the first 30 pages need some serious editing. The dialog, though at times witty, tends to be on the nose, and... I was delighted to be assigned this sp, as I had seen it on the top 10 list. It does have an intriguing concept, and a satisfying ending, but I don't think it's there yet.
Primarily the story is uneven. It takes a long time to find out what the story is about. I think the first 30 pages need some serious editing. The dialog, though at times witty, tends to be on the nose, and the characters indistinguishable.
The plot itself is rather confusing, partly, to be sure, due to the mix of dreams and real life that is supposed to be happening to the characters. But I think it should be more obvious to the reader.
The ending, as I said, was quite satisfying, and I like the twist with Gabe.
Following are notes I jotted down during my read-through. They are not necessarily faults, but hopefully will provide feedback to determine if the story is having its desired effect.
Pg 1. He burns the map and scorns the box, after a treasure hunt, and it seems he hasn’t even bothered to open the box.
Dialog: ARMSTRONG
It exists after all! This will
make me famous beyond my wildest
dreams!
This is so cliché it’s ridiculous. Is he supposed to be sarcastic when he says this?
Pg 4 Like the image of the monkey riding shotgun.
Pg 9 unfilmable, especially since the image is on TV: Jimmy narrows his eyes at the shadow. It looks familiar.
Pg 10 have no idea what Chuck Taylors is/are.
Pg 14 How does his recently unemployed secretary mother afford a fancy New England private school?
Pg 17 I’m pretty confused, what is this about? Whose story is it?
Pg 23 American boogerman? What’s that?
We seem to be going in circles, still don’t know what this is about.
Pg 26. I don’t get the connection: SOPHIE
I can't believe they eat these
with vinegar and mayonnaise in
Belgium. The girls must look
like prize fighters.
Pg 29. I think he just fell into some kind of fantasy. Strange that he would think to record with his cell phone.
Pg 31. Descriptions tend to be wordy and indirect. Example: ‘The type of parking lot that feral
dogs might run through.’ Why not just have feral dogs run through?
Pg 32. We haven’t had orphanages in this country in a long time.
Pg 36. Okay, it seems it’s about dream stealing. Isn’t that a current hit movie?
Pg 38. So Luther sells the dreams? Hmmm. Want to see how this works.
Pg 39. Why are these two 12 year olds allowed out alone at night? Are they sneaking out? Show this.
Pg 42. I’m having a hard time keeping dreams and real life separate.
Pg 50 Luther’s dialog reminds me of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers.
Pg 57 Eyes two pearls in ketchup- now that’s a vivid self-description.
Pg 59 Confusing, the Texan falls, but Luther hears the kids outside right at that moment.
Pg 61. Sophie’s dialog seems strange, since they are being chased by a bear. Think it’s supposed to be funny, but not working for me.
Pg. 70 top of page, no character heading for continued dialog.
Pg 72 It’s Julia Child, not Childs.
Pg 79 The school scene just takes me out of the story.
Pg 87 Don’t really get Gabe’s purpose in the story.
Pg 100, okay, Gabe is given more to do. Kind of late though.
Pg 105, why the digs on NJ?
Best of luck with your SP
read -
A review of STUDSby RBin2011 on 07/27/2010I think this can be a sweet little story, but it needs some fixing up. The whole story rests on a series of coincidences, and I always find that hard to swallow. The dialog is quick and enjoyable in the first section, but gets progressively wordy and expositional. The whole Pedro affair is less than satisfying, I haven't bought into their characters, maybe show them earlier?... I think this can be a sweet little story, but it needs some fixing up. The whole story rests on a series of coincidences, and I always find that hard to swallow. The dialog is quick and enjoyable in the first section, but gets progressively wordy and expositional.
The whole Pedro affair is less than satisfying, I haven't bought into their characters, maybe show them earlier? There are extra characters that don't bring much to the story, Tina comes to mind.
Your main characters, Brett and Adam, seem to swing between good all around normal young guys, to devious criminals, especially in the case of Adam. But this doesn't qualify as his character arc, it's just confusing. There are several extraneous scenes without payoff. Like the plane crash on the beach. What was that for?
The structure is a bit lacking. It took forever to get to the inciting event. The main character is not clear for a long time. The characters' motivations are unclear. The protaganist doesn't really change, because we don't really know who he is anyway.
There is an attempt at some sexual tension, but it's a series of casual encounters and little chemistry.
I hope this helps you. Following are some of my thoughts during my read-through.
Pg 2 Avoid “we” referring to the reader/viewer
Pg 6 So far, not drawn into the story. He’s an orphan, but now nearly 18. Is this what it’s about? Something needs to happen.
Pg 7 Volleyball seems like a strange game to pick for two people. Basketball, tennis, racquetball might be better.
Pg 11, nice, snappy dialog
Peddling grass. Is he selling weed, or just mowing lawns?
Pg 22 Still waiting for inciting incident
Pg 26 Why the sudden leap to AIDS? Has he seen symptoms? Is he planning to have sex with him? Seems like an out of place question here.
Pg 31 Okay, Amy loses her job, think we’re finally at the inciting incident. Didn’t think this was her story, but maybe I’m wrong.
Pg 35 Grandpa dies.Maybe this is more important, story back to Adam.
Pg 38 The will has changed. I’m getting the connection.
Not sure why Brett is going along with all this, he hasn’t known Adam very long.
Pg 53 I guess accusing his foster father of this could be funny, but not quite ringing true. Seems they have been pretty good to him, why would he do that?
Pg 63 plane crashes on the beach, Adam and Brett fix it. Hope this leads somewhere.
Pg 71 Why is Brett suddenly so principled? He’s down there to help Adam scam someone.
Pg 79 Orphanage going under. You know, we really don’t have orphanages in this country anymore.
Pg 88 BERT (CONT’D)
One more thing. If you're related
why would you ask about Cyrus account?
:I think he means not releated.
Generally, lots of coincidences. Amy meets Pedro in a coffee shop,I’m sure this will factor back into the whole mess somehow. There’s a modeling competition, exactly where Amy is to collect her inheritance, and Brett just happens to be top male model material, and willing to go on a heist with someone he’s known for two weeks. read -
A review of The Migrantby RBin2011 on 07/25/2010The writer asked reviewers to look for places to cut, and I have to agree with him that that is a major drawback of this sp. I did start writing down some tedious dialog and scene descriptions, but they just piled up. I recommend cutting out some scenes entirely, and nearly all of the scenes can be much improved by entering later, and getting out sooner. For example the whole... The writer asked reviewers to look for places to cut, and I have to agree with him that that is a major drawback of this sp. I did start writing down some tedious dialog and scene descriptions, but they just piled up. I recommend cutting out some scenes entirely, and nearly all of the scenes can be much improved by entering later, and getting out sooner. For example the whole pee sequence. Just start with the kid peeing outside the rest stop, yacking to Cole.
But wait, that didn't make sense. We are in a sort of altered universe here, the U.S. having collapsed into chaos. The family is running for their lives. The kid is savvy to the point that his rotting corpse of a band teacher leaves him unfazed, yet he blabs to a border guard.
Also, Maggie is pretty naive, even when faced head on with realities. Like the breeding farm in Utah. (How did she get there and back, anyway?) Yet she goes on, lah dee dah. Roman is a rather unlikeable character most of the time, and I had a hard time empathizing with him.
The concept of this story is timely and interesting. With our country in a rather big upheaval, it is interesting to ponder the what ifs. That's what hooked me into reading the story in the first place.
The intro is done pretty well to establish the times. But then the meandering around made me lose interest, and it was a struggle to get through the middle.
Some careful thought to what does and does not belong in this story: Does it move the story forward? Is this critical information about the characters? This is necessary to make this into a truly thought provoking piece.
Thank you for your hard work, good luck. read
Comments About RBin2011 50
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sethhudson on 10/29/2010
Thank you, thank you for the good review! By good, I mean helpful. I liked that you liked the jokes but i like more that you pointed out the parts that suck (without actually saying that they suck).
This is a first draft, it is full of format errors, unfilmables, wrylies, expository dialog, etc., etc. But, on the plus side, once I get your comments & everyone else's worked in (except for the ones that cancel each other out), I will have the perfect SP!
One comment on your comment: The Pascaline is unimportant to the story except that (1) it is the vehicle for a play on the word apple - which must have missed its mark, and (2) it is real. Blaise Pascall really did invent a mechanical calculating machine called the Pascaline in the mid 17th Century. Fast forward 2 1/2 centuries and you get what I am typing on right now!
Thanks for taking the time and doing such an amazingly thorough job. -
lemuel2 on 10/09/2010
Not a problem. The worst combination of words in the English language are probably "It needs a rewrite!" But it's an awesome story that's well on it's way, and as I work a few blocks away from the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll never look at it the same again. -
naomilamont on 09/23/2010
Hiya,
Just wanted to say a big thank you for your review of The Touch. Glad you enjoyed it for the most part. It's a 'slow reveal' script, which isn't everyone's cup of tea - some like everything explained up front instead of the answers being revealed bit by bit.
Ha, so funny about the 'save the cat' moment. I've been developing this script for years, well before I read the 'save the cat' book, so you can imagine my surprise when that book came out!
Anyway, thanks again and looking forward to reading your next script.
Naomi.
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/18/2010
Great read.
And sorry, yes part of my comment got somehow trimmed... I guess I hit delete at some point... What i was going to write is that the Emily character is great because powerful, proactive, compelling female protagonists aren't that usual, and it's great to find a script that has one.
Again, great read. Congratulations, I'd like to read more from you. -
micmacmoviemaker on 09/07/2010
You're welcome. It was a great read. -
RGRouge on 08/28/2010
Hey - thanks very much for your detailed and thorough review of the Killing Years. Thanks for taking the time and there's plenty of very helpful stuff in there.
Good luck with your work as well. -
Shirley Day on 08/26/2010
HI RB
Thanks for your review of the Insect House. I really appreciate it. I have re-worked the piece a little, the ending has a better pace, but in short you were barking up the right tree - there was no incest. I think it’s more powerful that way. I want the atmosphere between Helen and Gareth to be electric, and I think this works much more powerfully with an unconsummated relationship. It also keeps him as the innocent, the victim. Middle class squalor - I think probably it is different in America. In England the class system is not related to wealth, or certainly wouldn't have been in the seventies when they were growing up. One aspect of Helen's complex character is her misplaced superiority, it’s partly class induced. But I can see how middle class and squalor might appear paradoxical to an American audience. Yes an aubergine is an eggplant. I found all your comments and your enjoyment of the piece really helpful and confidence boosting. I am planning on work-shopping the piece at the end of this year/beginning of next. Thank you for making me feel confident enough to take this project to the next level.
All the best. Shirley. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/26/2010
Undoubtedly a very fine line. Best of luck!
-Nick -
naomilamont on 08/22/2010
Hi again,
Just wanted to let you know I just got the chance to give Roebling's Bridge Ver.3 and affirm vote! Good luck and hope you end up as a SOM nominee next month.
naomilamont
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Michael Keller on 08/18/2010
Thanks for the thoughtful notes!
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Comments About RBin2011 50
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Quote
Thank you, thank you for the good review! By good, I mean helpful. I liked that you liked the jokes but i like more that you pointed out the parts that suck (without actually saying that they suck).
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Quote
Not a problem. The worst combination of words in the English language are probably "It needs a rewrite!" But it's an awesome story that's well on it's way, and as I work a few blocks away from the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll never look at it the same again.
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Quote
Hiya,
+ more commentssethhudson on 10/29/2010
This is a first draft, it is full of format errors, unfilmables, wrylies, expository dialog, etc., etc. But, on the plus side, once I get your comments & everyone else's worked in (except for the ones that cancel each other out), I will have the perfect SP!
One comment on your comment: The Pascaline is unimportant to the story except that (1) it is the vehicle for a play on the word apple - which must have missed its mark, and (2) it is real. Blaise Pascall really did invent a mechanical calculating machine called the Pascaline in the mid 17th Century. Fast forward 2 1/2 centuries and you get what I am typing on right now!
Thanks for taking the time and doing such an amazingly thorough job.
lemuel2 on 10/09/2010
naomilamont on 09/23/2010
Just wanted to say a big thank you for your review of The Touch. Glad you enjoyed it for the most part. It's a 'slow reveal' script, which isn't everyone's cup of tea - some like everything explained up front instead of the answers being revealed bit by bit.
Ha, so funny about the 'save the cat' moment. I've been developing this script for years, well before I read the 'save the cat' book, so you can imagine my surprise when that book came out!
Anyway, thanks again and looking forward to reading your next script.
Naomi.