a screenplay
by reedmarcotte
A struggling musician is torn in a love triangle and a once in a life time opportunity.
reedmarcotte
member since 12/26/2006 |
last login 05/14/2012
I'm a full time construction worker and a part time screenwriter. I'm looking for a connection to the Oscars! lol...
Bio
I'm a full time construction worker and a part time screenwriter. I'm looking for a connection to the Oscars! lol
Submissions by reedmarcotte
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a screenplay by reedmarcotteA pack of small town sluggers rally the chance to make a hero out of Mom at the Little League World Series.
Reviews by reedmarcotte 28
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A review of The Blood Recruitby reedmarcotte on 04/20/2012So I'm watching your movie and I really don't know who anybody is because you don't mention the characters names often enough or in Dobs and Jules case, they're never mentioned at all. Why give them a name? It's the first thing I look for in a screenplay. Heaten is an awesome character. It's to bad she won't go on to be remembered. It's all in the dialogue. Characters calling... So I'm watching your movie and I really don't know who anybody is because you don't mention the characters names often enough or in Dobs and Jules case, they're never mentioned at all. Why give them a name?
It's the first thing I look for in a screenplay. Heaten is an awesome character. It's to bad she won't go on to be remembered. It's all in the dialogue. Characters calling each other by name, especially early in the film.
Introducing main characters. We should know them all and be able to decide if we like them or dislike them in the first 20 - 25 pages. Unless there is that unique character that appears later that many characters have foreshadowed, like the Wizzard.
It's an easy fix though to a real good story. I think you'll be surprised at how it personalizes the dialogue.
page 17... you start with a pronoun (He) when it should be Will stumbles...
Your scene headings are spot on. Really nice to see, easy read.
Some parts and some of the dialogue i'm finding less than convincing. The beginning action scene for example. I mean it was an exciting read but I thought it would make sense later as to why her peeps are in costodial uniforms.
page 87... The other dogs have awoken from the noise. (past tense) en's, ing's, ed's are a no no.
I'm thinking the scene in the vault at the end is just to tech. most of this can be done without all the over expositional dialogue. I mean we get the fact that they're security pros and Will can just save the day without all the jargan.
Heaten using the mf word doesn't suit her in my opinion.
after all this and I'm not sure. Is this story about Heaten or Will or the crew? Personaly, I like Heaten. I think you should swing the whole story to her. She should be your protagonist. read -
A review of August Grassby reedmarcotte on 04/15/2012This is a good inspirational story if ya like football and alot of people do so ya might have a chance if ya clean this one up. The messiest part of this script is the scene headings. too much dialogue in my opinion. need more story besides the football season and practice. not sure if a highschool coach getting a shot at the bigs is WOW enough. page 15 SAME DAY EVENING Scene... This is a good inspirational story if ya like football and alot of people do so ya might have a chance if ya clean this one up. The messiest part of this script is the scene headings. too much dialogue in my opinion. need more story besides the football season and practice. not sure if a highschool coach getting a shot at the bigs is WOW enough.
page 15 SAME DAY EVENING
Scene headings can use a little brushing up. Time of day is just day or night. dusk or dawn if it plays a role. It's like you're trying to establish how time moves along and it's really not necessary.
page 16 MORNING yet there is nothing there that is identifiable with it being morning so basically it's just day.
Scene Headings are led by locations and then places within those locations.
eg: EXT. STADIUM - PARKING LOT - DAY
INT. STADIUM - DYLAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
INT. JIM'S HOME - OFFICE - DAY
FRONT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
GARAGE - LATER (if we haven't left the location "jim's home", it's okay to bounce from room to room as shown above.) breaks it down and keeps it organized. reads smoother. time will roll, just keep telling your story and let the action and dialogue describe what time of day it is or days later or months later.
OK is okay. everything in dialogue should be spelled out.
In cases like on the field; you don't need scene headings like OVER BY THE LINEBACKERS, the action should take us to and fro... "Jim walks over to the linbackers..."
page 34
Walking among the players, noticing everyone...The pain of
the UP-DOWNS is on every players face.
LATER (just... LATER. We already know where we are and now it's later.)
The team is scrimmaging...Lyle takes a pass over the middle
and gets NAILED by the safety...He gets up and starts YELLING
at the safety.
page 40
IRENE
Thanks for offering to help. There
seems to be more and more these
days, the help is needed and
appreciated. Besides, just being
around professional football
players will lift plenty of spirits
around here.
JIM
I hope so.
LATER (much better)
Jim begins to wipe down tables...Irene directs other players
to the storage room, they begin to unpack boxes with canned
vegetables...disgruntled, Lyle is washing pots...Otis and
Charlie wearing hats and aprons are dishing out food on the
serving line.
use of commas.
page 27 "We already are, Ron" just one example
dialogue.
saying what's about to happen and then you describe what happens later. just let it happen. it comes more of a surprise to us and gives the character more character.
page 54 The scene with Charlie when he confides in Jim. All this dialogue (and some other places) it sounds like you're a bit too expositional trying to steer the story by what they say. Simple and catchy dialogue goes a long way and brings out the emotions just as well without being too expositional.
action.
action lines should be limited to four lines.
I'm really liking Jim and his wise words and ways of coaching. Dice is a good add to support Jim's character.
page 54 At home, Rich has exactly two and a half cups of coffee
before leaving his house.(i cant see this. do we have to watch him drink two and a half cups of coffee?)
i'm going to just finish reading your story at this point. I think i've pointed out a few things that i hope will help.
good luck with this and thanks read -
A review of Theaterby reedmarcotte on 04/15/2012It's a fun read because you're in one location and it reads quickly. It's not filled with a mess of scene headings to slow things down. Good imagination with how the horror scenes come into play. Some good conflict and dialogue between characters and I was able to tell them apart. Definately some problems with believability but horror movies are always like that. You absolutely... It's a fun read because you're in one location and it reads quickly. It's not filled with a mess of scene headings to slow things down. Good imagination with how the horror scenes come into play. Some good conflict and dialogue between characters and I was able to tell them apart. Definately some problems with believability but horror movies are always like that.
You absolutely have to have somebody proof read the script as there are many typos in the wording. Very distracting.
Not feeling a main character through all of the story and if you had one, I think it would help strengthen the emotion we should be getting from the killings if we can feel his of her pain. It would also help balance our relationships with the characters. Loving one, hating one, this one is a dick, and so on... but the main character is who it's about. The one we root for. Good or bad.
A good idea and an inexpensive film to make. Good luck with this and thanks. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by reedmarcotte
-
a screenplay by reedmarcotte
A struggling musician is torn in a love triangle and a once in a life time opportunity.
-
a screenplay by reedmarcotte
A pack of small town sluggers rally the chance to make a hero out of Mom at the Little League World Series.
Reviews by reedmarcotte 28
-
A review of The Blood Recruitby reedmarcotte on 04/20/2012So I'm watching your movie and I really don't know who anybody is because you don't mention the characters names often enough or in Dobs and Jules case, they're never mentioned at all. Why give them a name? It's the first thing I look for in a screenplay. Heaten is an awesome character. It's to bad she won't go on to be remembered. It's all in the dialogue. Characters calling... So I'm watching your movie and I really don't know who anybody is because you don't mention the characters names often enough or in Dobs and Jules case, they're never mentioned at all. Why give them a name?
It's the first thing I look for in a screenplay. Heaten is an awesome character. It's to bad she won't go on to be remembered. It's all in the dialogue. Characters calling each other by name, especially early in the film.
Introducing main characters. We should know them all and be able to decide if we like them or dislike them in the first 20 - 25 pages. Unless there is that unique character that appears later that many characters have foreshadowed, like the Wizzard.
It's an easy fix though to a real good story. I think you'll be surprised at how it personalizes the dialogue.
page 17... you start with a pronoun (He) when it should be Will stumbles...
Your scene headings are spot on. Really nice to see, easy read.
Some parts and some of the dialogue i'm finding less than convincing. The beginning action scene for example. I mean it was an exciting read but I thought it would make sense later as to why her peeps are in costodial uniforms.
page 87... The other dogs have awoken from the noise. (past tense) en's, ing's, ed's are a no no.
I'm thinking the scene in the vault at the end is just to tech. most of this can be done without all the over expositional dialogue. I mean we get the fact that they're security pros and Will can just save the day without all the jargan.
Heaten using the mf word doesn't suit her in my opinion.
after all this and I'm not sure. Is this story about Heaten or Will or the crew? Personaly, I like Heaten. I think you should swing the whole story to her. She should be your protagonist. read -
A review of August Grassby reedmarcotte on 04/15/2012This is a good inspirational story if ya like football and alot of people do so ya might have a chance if ya clean this one up. The messiest part of this script is the scene headings. too much dialogue in my opinion. need more story besides the football season and practice. not sure if a highschool coach getting a shot at the bigs is WOW enough. page 15 SAME DAY EVENING Scene... This is a good inspirational story if ya like football and alot of people do so ya might have a chance if ya clean this one up. The messiest part of this script is the scene headings. too much dialogue in my opinion. need more story besides the football season and practice. not sure if a highschool coach getting a shot at the bigs is WOW enough.
page 15 SAME DAY EVENING
Scene headings can use a little brushing up. Time of day is just day or night. dusk or dawn if it plays a role. It's like you're trying to establish how time moves along and it's really not necessary.
page 16 MORNING yet there is nothing there that is identifiable with it being morning so basically it's just day.
Scene Headings are led by locations and then places within those locations.
eg: EXT. STADIUM - PARKING LOT - DAY
INT. STADIUM - DYLAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
INT. JIM'S HOME - OFFICE - DAY
FRONT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
GARAGE - LATER (if we haven't left the location "jim's home", it's okay to bounce from room to room as shown above.) breaks it down and keeps it organized. reads smoother. time will roll, just keep telling your story and let the action and dialogue describe what time of day it is or days later or months later.
OK is okay. everything in dialogue should be spelled out.
In cases like on the field; you don't need scene headings like OVER BY THE LINEBACKERS, the action should take us to and fro... "Jim walks over to the linbackers..."
page 34
Walking among the players, noticing everyone...The pain of
the UP-DOWNS is on every players face.
LATER (just... LATER. We already know where we are and now it's later.)
The team is scrimmaging...Lyle takes a pass over the middle
and gets NAILED by the safety...He gets up and starts YELLING
at the safety.
page 40
IRENE
Thanks for offering to help. There
seems to be more and more these
days, the help is needed and
appreciated. Besides, just being
around professional football
players will lift plenty of spirits
around here.
JIM
I hope so.
LATER (much better)
Jim begins to wipe down tables...Irene directs other players
to the storage room, they begin to unpack boxes with canned
vegetables...disgruntled, Lyle is washing pots...Otis and
Charlie wearing hats and aprons are dishing out food on the
serving line.
use of commas.
page 27 "We already are, Ron" just one example
dialogue.
saying what's about to happen and then you describe what happens later. just let it happen. it comes more of a surprise to us and gives the character more character.
page 54 The scene with Charlie when he confides in Jim. All this dialogue (and some other places) it sounds like you're a bit too expositional trying to steer the story by what they say. Simple and catchy dialogue goes a long way and brings out the emotions just as well without being too expositional.
action.
action lines should be limited to four lines.
I'm really liking Jim and his wise words and ways of coaching. Dice is a good add to support Jim's character.
page 54 At home, Rich has exactly two and a half cups of coffee
before leaving his house.(i cant see this. do we have to watch him drink two and a half cups of coffee?)
i'm going to just finish reading your story at this point. I think i've pointed out a few things that i hope will help.
good luck with this and thanks read -
A review of Theaterby reedmarcotte on 04/15/2012It's a fun read because you're in one location and it reads quickly. It's not filled with a mess of scene headings to slow things down. Good imagination with how the horror scenes come into play. Some good conflict and dialogue between characters and I was able to tell them apart. Definately some problems with believability but horror movies are always like that. You absolutely... It's a fun read because you're in one location and it reads quickly. It's not filled with a mess of scene headings to slow things down. Good imagination with how the horror scenes come into play. Some good conflict and dialogue between characters and I was able to tell them apart. Definately some problems with believability but horror movies are always like that.
You absolutely have to have somebody proof read the script as there are many typos in the wording. Very distracting.
Not feeling a main character through all of the story and if you had one, I think it would help strengthen the emotion we should be getting from the killings if we can feel his of her pain. It would also help balance our relationships with the characters. Loving one, hating one, this one is a dick, and so on... but the main character is who it's about. The one we root for. Good or bad.
A good idea and an inexpensive film to make. Good luck with this and thanks. read -
A review of Children of the Revolutionby reedmarcotte on 03/01/2012when is saw animated, I was thinking cartoon. soon realized ur just referring to Stix. The pilot is JACK, Billy’s friend and fellow ace airman.pg 1 (speculative. show us.) turn off continuedes capitalize sounds well, I saw the over seas phone # on your cover page. Maybe some things are done differently there. but i'll continue as to what i might know about screnplay writing... when is saw animated, I was thinking cartoon. soon realized ur just referring to Stix.
The pilot is JACK, Billy’s friend and fellow ace airman.pg 1 (speculative. show us.)
turn off continuedes
capitalize sounds
well, I saw the over seas phone # on your cover page. Maybe some things are done differently there. but i'll continue as to what i might know about screnplay writing.
(in your opening fight scene, you throw in 4 or 5 lines based on opinion rather than what we see.)
They are the most daring pilots ever. but the two friends are too good.
If the gun gets there first the two friends will be blown from the sky.
A number of vessels are already heading back to the coast.
He’s popular with the others and has a vivid imagination.
It’s usually him who instigates their games.
He’s totally loyal and trustworthy
roll credits / overhead shot end credits camera shots (The director's job)
commas (use them)
The kids use the place as their headquarters. (speculative)
on one hand, you're totally directing a movie. on the other hand, it feels like i'm reading a book.
He reluctantly carries out most of Major Luck’s dirty work.(show us how he does his dirty work)
the first line after any scene heading(shouldn't use pronouns in the first line; he, she, they... remind us who is in the new scene.
continueous (is used when the last action from the previous scene is in sync with the first action of the next scene.)
They don’t share the usual perceptiveness of twins.(speculative, you're cheating, remember, we're watching a movie.
kate and paul's dialogue should be off camera (--- (OC)--- because they're in the scene but not on camera.
Precious has thick black hair, a cross between Siouxsie
Sioux and Medusa. She has multiple piercings and a big
tattoo on her forearm. Punk rock meets Edward Scissorhands. (good discription)
(ella's name should be mentioned earlier. infact all your characters names' need to be thrown into the dialogue more. you have a few characters who's names are never heard at all. why are you giving them a name? We can't connect without the names.
use of LATER AND MOMENTS LATER (when scenes roll back to back. like when one thing happens right into the next.)
okay, it's a dream.
i really like the way the story opened. I got the feel for the locations and connected with the group of kids. i think the conflict is good if you can stay away from the politics and it would make for a much cheaper film. it seamed far fetched. Stop the war/ship yeah but a different strategy.
What if just a select few knew about stix instead of him being so synonymous? his role being more in the clutch and Billy being the absolute protagonist.
Just some ideas. but, what do I know :)
good luck read -
A review of Mischief Rebornby reedmarcotte on 02/26/2012I never had the pleasure of reading the novel but the screenplay is not doing it much justice in depicting the feel mostly because it's hard to follow. Thus far, I've read to page 25, met at least 15 characters. not sure who the main character is or what the story is about. I do have a clue because i read the synopsis which is not spelled out properly either. on a good note,... I never had the pleasure of reading the novel but the screenplay is not doing it much justice in depicting the feel mostly because it's hard to follow. Thus far, I've read to page 25, met at least 15 characters. not sure who the main character is or what the story is about. I do have a clue because i read the synopsis which is not spelled out properly either.
on a good note, your dialogue is quite good. i'm getting to know or build relations with the charaters based on the dialogue but there are so many charaters i can't fall for the main one and can't decide who the antagonist is.
25 pages is a basic stepping stone to any screenplay. if you can't spell out who the protagonist/main character is, the antogonist, the plot/conflict before page 25, there's a problem. it's called ACT 1. most movies set the stage in ten minutes.
the opening scene i figure will come into play sooner or later. the scene at the beach where we meet so many young attractive adults. Sara and Dagda, not sure about them. The Bradly's, then to the office space. still meeting characters. Even the images are characters.
as I invent or introduce people in my stories, I try and decide if they even need a name or avoid giving them a name. sub characters like friends, clerks, cops, often don't need a name. If they do get a name, their name should be mentioned shortly after they're introduced, somehow. Imagine I'm watching your movie, I see a new character, nobody says their name, it's not on the door, desk or a badge. I don't know who they are. why are you giving them a name? It's pointless.
you don't need the "cut to" "fade to" or any of that. It's not the industry standard. If u want text to pop up in your movie, It's... SUPER: PRESENT DAY
scenes? - LOCATION is the main setting/scene like the Garibaldi Mansion.
EXT. GARIBALDI MANSION - NIGHT
at least one word of action before any dialogue, after any scene heading.
INT. GARIBALDI MANSION - MOMENTS LATER (never see "SAME" used)
action, dialogue, note; once we're inside and the stage is set, it's okay to move from room to room as such;
PLAYROOM - MOMENTS LATER
action, dialogue.
HALLWAY - LATER
action, dialogue. not changing the scene but it's moments later or later...?
MOMENTS LATER
action, dialogue. note; always remind us who is in the scene after any scene heading. no pronouns, he, she, him or it's in the first sentence.
LATER
we haven't gone anywhere but it's later. action, dialogue. We know where we are and these things are happening consecutively then we're at the end of the MAJOR scene, time and point?
EXT. or INT. SOMEWHERE ELSE - DAY OR NIGHT (start of new major scene which can be 10 minutes or ten seconds.)
well tony, i'm trying to spell it out for you but it's not easy. something similar to this makes for easy reading and knowing where and when things are happening as we read. If we have to stop scroll back, oh wait a sec, not sure, all this makes for a slow read. simple is better.
punctuation... many through out your story. Have somebody proof read it. your story ends with a question but no question mark.
your action shouldn't exceed 4 lines. page 45
minimize action words ending in "ing", perhaps saving it til the last opportunity in a sentence or group of sentences. page 51 Charlie and Donny sit on "the" couch. He bleeds from his mouth, 5 THUGS, dress (not dressed) in kevlar, carry guns. note; how does the main thug stand over Donny, if he's sitting on the couch? I'm having a hard time visualizing that.
the scene breakdowns get better as I read on. easier to follow.
so I get a friends parent/son feel which is good. The futuristic sense can be portrayed a little better, I think, with some choice wording in the action. The story is good and I love how you end it with Bestet and Cronos.
Hope some of this helps. Good luck
read -
A review of Dreams of Summerby reedmarcotte on 01/26/2012it's a little boring he seems timid steroids out dated very good at transposing points of view, telling your story through action like the family being upset in the stands. and going back to 1969 cuz we see Roy and we know its 1969. i think the game Roy had, pg 29, is over the top and doesn't match the reaction of the other players. maybe he drops the ball on an easy pop up... it's a little boring
he seems timid
steroids out dated
very good at transposing points of view, telling your story through action like the family being upset in the stands. and going back to 1969 cuz we see Roy and we know its 1969.
i think the game Roy had, pg 29, is over the top and doesn't match the reaction of the other players. maybe he drops the ball on an easy pop up and three runs score, actually describe the play in real time. uhg! the humiliation. :)
i don't know if i like the pre lap, sounds directional
a good clean script. curious about the format, the way you are laying out slugs as a series of shots. thus far, i can tell ur an experienced screen writer. is it something of your thought process or do you know this to be acurately correct? page 34
no drama. its like i can turn on the TV and watch a game and a little bit about a player.
The moment he's been waiting for his whole life. Stuff like that, your very good at. is there a name or term for this type of sentence in the action? or maybe that's just a stupid question. lol
I think you should make his first double a tripple
finding this to be a little predictable. i can skip the scene cuz i can guess what happens.
i dunno, maybe cuz there's not really an antagonist causing some conflict but there's nothing really here. almost an hour in and its a pretty boring story. you really need to juice it up in my opinion. lots of room if you cut out half the baseball scenes. sorry to say but... guess i'l see if you've written other scripts. your a good writer and handle the structure very nicely. imma read on and hopefully pass the test and send my review. good luck slugger. read -
A review of Port Wikkalynby reedmarcotte on 01/25/2012roll credits? never. FADE IN, that's it the hair Tristan’s accent is not stereotype American, but it is distinctly American. What? is he the only american accent? that would be significant. does it matter if it's distinct or stereotype no pronouns in the first line after a slug/scene heading countinueds and pauses xx very distracting pg 8 The man who saved him was Rosco. never... roll credits? never. FADE IN, that's it
the hair
Tristan’s accent is not stereotype American, but it is
distinctly American. What? is he the only american accent? that would be significant. does it matter if it's distinct or stereotype
no pronouns in the first line after a slug/scene heading
countinueds and pauses xx very distracting
pg 8 The man who saved him was Rosco. never past tense. A MAN PLUNGES in the water. Later... The man opens a sports bag. He's ROSCO (age), grabs two towels and gives one to Tristian. NEED HIS NAME MENTIONED HERE
pg 11 how do we know it's cognac?
take out orphans. all foster kids are orphans
use of pronouns. who's he
y dashes everywhere?
i can't follow the dialogue.
Are the girls witches?
it seems as i'm reading, your trying to describe how things should be done. Rosco is suddenly very stern, here.
colen? never seen it before except with a MONTAGE:/Series of shots:
how are you going to film Tristan looking at Roscoes concerned expression. Roscoe's concerned. (done)
a few feet away from the port entrance. What.
Gwen is here. Sounds like dialouge and it shouldn't. These are action lines.
but she can walk like a woman in her sixties. Where is the action? Try; An old woman, GWEN (90) walks like a woman in her thirties. I think, once a woman reaches 60, her swagger is pretty much gone. or i'm not sure what you're trying to say
Tristan stands here and watches the three women from a
distance. Tristian watches the three women from a distance.
at first I thought this was some kind of writing style but as I read on, It's just incorrect.
is pause and action? i think what you are imagining in your head is not really coming across on paper.
i'm up to page 17 and i just heard Rosco's name mentioned. Major Character's names should be mentioned soon after they're introduced.
pg 20. i believe your synopsis says A Briliant Photographer, besides the inference about the Pigeon's nest, (which i googled btw. not that attractive), i'm not getting that he's briliant yet. no story yet, no conflict, no problem, imma guess and say the ladies are the antagonist but they haven't presented a problem yet. act one is almost over.
when they're under water, i dont think that would be considered interior INT. all the under water stuff could be under the Dock Scene. just describe what happens. Tristan jumps in the water.
EXT. DOCKING BAY – DAY
Tristan GASPS for air!no exclamations in action.
Agatha offers her hand and helps him up.
Agatha takes a towel out of her bag and gives it to him. Does everybody carry towels around
TIMELAPSE: should be MOMENTS LATER
Tristan has caught his breath,(past tense) and he is dry.
AGATHA
She practices in a cave in
the cliffs, to the southeast
shore. You can’t miss it.
TRISTAN
Is she there now?
AGATHA
You’ll soon find out.
from hear i'll keep reading. hopefully pass the test and send u the review.i like to help peeps with tech stuff mostly. i hope this helps.
one other thing i'm seeing here is telling the story through dialogue. Rosco mostly. It takes some thought but unfolding the story by what the characters do is a much better read and story. the dialogue is mainly used to bond us with characters and them to each other and just tip us off a little here and there. if you read the first 5 pages of the Baseball Mom, you'll see how the characters are related without them ever saying so. Don't say it just do it or go there or let it happen. example, a charcter says, i'm not gonna cross the river i might drown. He crosses the river and drowns. Just have him cross the river and drown. just like she says she's going swimming. just have her jump in the lake. you're leading us with the dialogue. STOP IT haha
in the Baseball Mom, you will also see where they are without typing it in the scene heading. I'm watching your movie and i don't even know they're in PORT WIKKALYN.
i am getting a gloomy feel for the surroundings but i'm not liking or disliking the characters except the creepy old woman and she has only one line or two. but maybe the girls aren't supposed to be scary/mysterious. you could easily show me how briliant tristan is by him working his camera. if the girls said less and you just describe their action, i bet you'd get more emotion from them. again, i'm just throwing stuff out there.
the dialogue, so far, is so spotty, i'm not sure what they're talking about until i read it two or three times. maybe its me, i dunno.
look into acts 1,2 and 3. the protagonist and the antagonist along with other supporting characters and conflict have to be established in 25 pages or ACT ONE.
ACT TWO, solving it.
ACT THREE the climax/payoff or succsess
The locations are iffy too. Is this all in one area like a resort or is it a town? learn how to break down major sceen headings into minor scenes. Like your very first scene.
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
Tristan gets off a bus with a sign that reads, "WELCOME TO PORT WIKKALYN".
then there's the bar. is that the name. give it a name show a sign or have somebody say the name of the bar. or maybe the name don't matter but i think it gives the location a personal feel. ARTY's PUB or something.
have fun with this. read more screenplays drewscript.com or scriptoramma.com googleit. read -
A review of The Iboga Visions (Redraft)by reedmarcotte on 01/23/2012ya ever get that big giant gift and open it to find another box and then open that one and get another box that's empty. it's kind of how i felt reading this one. My opinion? Make the hotel a rehab center. It pretty much fixes everything. At least it makes sense. Tom's on sick leave, Julie's a nurse, Carly's a patient and there's a legit reason for the Idogaine being tested... ya ever get that big giant gift and open it to find another box and then open that one and get another box that's empty. it's kind of how i felt reading this one.
My opinion? Make the hotel a rehab center. It pretty much fixes everything. At least it makes sense. Tom's on sick leave, Julie's a nurse, Carly's a patient and there's a legit reason for the Idogaine being tested.
Tie the little box/story/Angus in with the big box/story/Tom with an object/element of some sort that he discovers in present day not just that they actually existed.
There's just no purpose for the protest or Davie. The dialect was good with some of the Scots but Tom's wasn't choppy enough. Famous Carly's in the hospital and knowbody knows who she is? til we get to the reporter which the story doesn't need anyway. carly's just a reason for Julie to get closer to Tom and it works. We know Tom is a bad ass. He's a marine in the war. Seems like your trying to force The Rock into his character. the first fight seen is good/enough but i think it should be Tom who they pick on in the first place so it doesn't show he's got a heart yet. Pouchers? XXX... At first i thought it was a reason to get them two in the bush. haha Tom sniffing her hair or something but it turned out to be this giant altercation
Too many charcters that should be titled NURSE, CLERK, REPORTER, mainly because nobody ever says there name or if they do it's like ten pages later and i forgot who they were. When you introduce a character with a name, their name has to be mentioned in dialogue soon after. Remember, we're watching a movie. If we don't hear the name we don't know who they are so whats the point in giving them a name. Like Angus' friend. I knew him as friend. That's Okay
i had to scroll back on some of the scene headings to make sure which bedroom or bathroom or kitchen... i was in.
Try not to lead the story with your dialogue. like when Julie wants to surprise Tom by taking him to the University. and why would she take him to meet Davie anyway. Some things didn't make sense about Davie. "Has someone had the sex?" Aren't Davie and Julie boyfriend and girlfriend?
The Drug is a great idea(I wouldn't make it the title)but it's like he takes the pill and he sleeps for i'm guessing 4/5 hours and then on one occasion, she stays the night and he has to go to sleep again? then your next scene heading doesn't indicate morning, it's DAY. But the drug opens the door to Angus' story which has to be significant to Tom's life somehow. Maybe he finds the answer to his hangup or addiction with angus' story. i dunno just thinking here haha.
you're getting there though. a lot of junk you don''t need. His and Julies arc is good from the hatred, to them loving each other. tom should be a miserable bastard as a junky and as he gets well we learn to love him and we root for their love, and he becomes a good guy. Him and the doctor seem like best of friends when the doc should be skeptical and then later trusting of him.
less is more. simplify. the setting at the Hotel is good though i really think it should be a rehab.
i may be sounding harsh but believe me its a good thing. If i didn't like your script, i'd be like yeah its okay and that's about it. you have a pretty good clue as to how to write a screenplay, just fix your story telling with locations and action and dialogue should be almost like gibberish. Chop off the begings and ends of sentences and use apostrophies. and remember WE GET IT! Like the first vision with the sick WOMAN and the MAN and BOY/TOM. we get it when she says, "be good for your father, Tom or Tommy." And really, I don't think Tom needs to be there, like the scrooge or something. A director knows how to make sure we understand we're witnessing a vision.
got a good thing going with this. keep at it boss. good luck read -
A review of The Iboga Visionsby reedmarcotte on 01/23/2012ya ever get that big giant gift and open it to find another box and then open that one and get another box that's empty. it's kind of how i felt reading this one. My opinion? Make the hotel a rehab center. It pretty much fixes everything. At least it makes sense. Tom's on sick leave, Julie's a nurse, Carly's a patient and there's a legit reason for the Idogaine being tested... ya ever get that big giant gift and open it to find another box and then open that one and get another box that's empty. it's kind of how i felt reading this one.
My opinion? Make the hotel a rehab center. It pretty much fixes everything. At least it makes sense. Tom's on sick leave, Julie's a nurse, Carly's a patient and there's a legit reason for the Idogaine being tested.
Tie the little box/story/Angus in with the big box/story/Tom with an object/element of some sort that he discovers in present day not just that they actually existed.
There's just no purpose for the protest or Davie. The dialect was good with some of the Scots but Tom's wasn't choppy enough. Famous Carly's in the hospital and knowbody knows who she is? til we get to the reporter which the story doesn't need anyway. carly's just a reason for Julie to get closer to Tom and it works. We know Tom is a bad ass. He's a marine in the war. Seems like your trying to force The Rock into his character. the first fight seen is good/enough but i think it should be Tom who they pick on in the first place so it doesn't show he's got a heart yet. Pouchers? XXX... At first i thought it was a reason to get them two in the bush. haha Tom sniffing her hair or something but it turned out to be this giant altercation
Too many charcters that should be titled NURSE, CLERK, REPORTER, mainly because nobody ever says there name or if they do it's like ten pages later and i forgot who they were. When you introduce a character with a name, their name has to be mentioned in dialogue soon after. Remember, we're watching a movie. If we don't hear the name we don't know who they are so whats the point in giving them a name. Like Angus' friend. I knew him as friend. That's Okay
i had to scroll back on some of the scene headings to make sure which bedroom or bathroom or kitchen... i was in.
Try not to lead the story with your dialogue. like when Julie wants to surprise Tom by taking him to the University. and why would she take him to meet Davie anyway. Some things didn't make sense about Davie. "Has someone had the sex?" Aren't Davie and Julie boyfriend and girlfriend?
The Drug is a great idea(I wouldn't make it the title)but it's like he takes the pill and he sleeps for i'm guessing 4/5 hours and then on one occasion, she stays the night and he has to go to sleep again? then your next scene heading doesn't indicate morning, it's DAY. But the drug opens the door to Angus' story which has to be significant to Tom's life somehow. Maybe he finds the answer to his hangup or addiction with angus' story. i dunno just thinking here haha.
you're getting there though. a lot of junk you don''t need. His and Julies arc is good from the hatred, to them loving each other. tom should be a miserable bastard as a junky and as he gets well we learn to love him and we root for their love, and he becomes a good guy. Him and the doctor seem like best of friends when the doc should be skeptical and then later trusting of him.
less is more. simplify. the setting at the Hotel is good though i really think it should be a rehab.
i may be sounding harsh but believe me its a good thing. If i didn't like your script, i'd be like yeah its okay and that's about it. you have a pretty good clue as to how to write a screenplay, just fix your story telling with locations and action and dialogue should be almost like gibberish. Chop off the begings and ends of sentences and use apostrophies. and remember WE GET IT! Like the first vision with the sick WOMAN and the MAN and BOY/TOM. we get it when she says, "be good for your father, Tom or Tommy." And really, I don't think Tom needs to be there, like the scrooge or something. A director knows how to make sure we understand we're witnessing a vision.
got a good thing going with this. keep at it boss. good luck read -
A review of The Archangelby reedmarcotte on 01/22/2012use of scene headings a little confused at the attack at the hotel. hard to follow the agents thoughts, not feeling the excitemnt/panic. sounds should be capitalized pg 9 PAUL... who are you don't think you need the SUPERS minimize charcters- a man/polatician/suit/agent i'm confused and am not getting to know anybody besides the Pres and Charles page 19 - i'm guessing we're... use of scene headings
a little confused at the attack at the hotel. hard to follow the agents thoughts, not feeling the excitemnt/panic. sounds should be capitalized
pg 9 PAUL... who are you
don't think you need the SUPERS
minimize charcters- a man/polatician/suit/agent i'm confused and am not getting to know anybody besides the Pres and Charles
page 19 - i'm guessing we're at the white house. we're outside and then inside on the balcony. no scene heading. i'm getting the upmost respect the authorities have for Charles but the president and first lady don't normally hug.
INT. WHITE HOUSE / BALL ROOM - DAY
action / dialogue
BALCONY
action / dialogue
FOYER
action / dialogue
EXT. WHITE HOUSE / ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER
Charles exits a government plated vehicle...
the event shouldn't be in the Heading. Just the location. Then paint a picture for us as we learn where we are and what is going on. You can use less wardrobe action lines (cuz the pros will handle that) and more about what a place looks like. I'm on page 20. I think i saw 5 SUPERS already. you can easily tell this story without them, like you did with the FBI logo on the floor. We know what the Pentigon looks like and the White house. we don't need a SUPER. we are not stupid.
Names of characters are important but if they're sub charcters, maybe don't make them a major character. Its too much to remember.
i've heard of love at first site but i'm not convinced with the scene on the balcony with Charles and Emily. page 21 Emily typo "I don't know why.
why is bond in all capitals?
Through the cameras Zoom Lens. Are you a writer or a director? Later, can't the senator just hand Paul the picture. We'd get it! hmmm, that must be Paul putting the keys on the tire.
I'm finding myself scrolling up and down to find where i am. Creekside? are we still at the whitehouse?
Emily's scar? isn't she wearing a long formal dress.
page 28 "Matthew, dressed in black, powers his window down and presses a
detonator that blows out the right rear tire on Charles’s car."
i thought they were in Paul's car
why is Charles arm bleeding?
seth bradley, isn't that the President's last name?
you can't assume the reader is understanding what is written between the lines. hope this all make sense to me as i read on (page 33)
i'm pretty sure we can figure out we're at Charles' funeral without the SUPER
i was thinking Charles was our protaganist but now he's dead. hmmm
i'm gonna guess and say you're a military person.
15 years later (probably the only Super you need). i'm going to recommend drewscript.com. read Forrest Gump. See how they make the transition form little Forrest to big Forrest. No Supers. Other Characters just simply call him by his name so we know who he is. you do realize, we don't even know Micheals name if we're watching your movie. is he our protagonist? you wouldn't change his name half way through. he should be michael from the get go. "An 18 year old man". then " A 33 year old man..." somebody says his name, an object or something that tells us, This Must Be Micheal
Old Micheal, great! i get to meet a whole new cast of charaters. Let me start writing this down.
EXT. MCCHORD AIR FORCE BASE RUNWAY - DAY
The formal names of locations are not important to us unless they are significant to the story. Can we get it if we just understand it to be an airport or a military airbase?
Tell you what. i'm gonna stop critiqing and just read and try to understand the gist of your story. i loved your log line and it's why i didn't reject the story. I'm on page 40 and i've no impression of an angel that needs to get home. This conflict should be a significant part of act one. all your main characters should be introduced, loved or hated by the end of act one. 25 pages max.
in my opinion, you need to organize your thoughts, use less choppy dialogue, learn how scene headings are supposed to be formatted and stick to a beginning, middle and end.
besides the confusion, you have a very good premise for a story. you should stick with it. less is more. simple is better. do not distract the reader with junk. you have a good vocabulary, you use it in the action very well. i hope to come across this one again after your rewrite. good luck read
Comments About reedmarcotte 8
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betazeta1 on 03/05/2012
Thanks for the review of Children of the Revolution.
I think you make a number of valid points and perhaps a few that I don't agree with (!)
As for putting in the unfilmable in a script (i.e. He’s popular with the others and has a vivid imagination.) - I know those rules, I just consciously chose to break them. It's a nonsense to not be able to say something like that in a script when it would actually help an actor to understand about the character. I think some rules are there for the breaking.
Thanks again!
Jim -
dogfur on 02/06/2012
You're welcome. Not sure what you mean about being able to tell I'm new here though. -
wildandfree74 on 02/06/2012
Reed, It's been far to long to wait to send you thanks for your review of The Archangel. I see you have had a spurt of reviews and must keep yourself quite busy. I barely get a chance to get to this hobby lately but that is life. I really want to send you a huge thank you for your valued review. I have been working on this script, slowly, for a long time. Mostly, I have focused on story on the last few re-writes I've done but it was extremely welcomed to see my flaws in areas of format. I do very much appreciate your time and best of luck to you. -
Jan456 on 01/25/2012
Reed, Hi! I like the "Road to Williamsport". I think a lot of writers
have trouble with their titles being duplicated but you could change
it a little so its not exactly the same. No matter, it's a great script.
Good luck. Janet -
hywelberry on 01/24/2012
Hi Reed, no problem at all, and thank you very much for you review. Very useful indeed. Good luck with your own work. -
Scriptywriter on 04/22/2009
Hi Reed,
Thanks for your review of My Sister and the Bastard Prince. Just to clarify - OS dialogue is used when character is present in the scene but not on camera. In my script it was used frequently to denote the cameraman speaking from behind the camera. Because he's behind the camera he's not on screen but he is actually there in the scene, so it's not VO. Hope that makes sense.
Scripty -
bha26 on 03/30/2009
Not a problem. I enjoyed it. Best of luck with it. -
tammib on 03/02/2009
Reed - thanks so much for investing your time and knowledge into your review for The Confidante! Not only were your notes helpful in providing a clear overview of what is working or not, but the mechanics notes provided great suggestions for those specific scenes as well for general reference. Your thoughts were greatly appreciated and will be a resource for drafts to come.
Cheers.
tb
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Comments About reedmarcotte 8
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Quote
Thanks for the review of Children of the Revolution.
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Quote
You're welcome. Not sure what you mean about being able to tell I'm new here though.
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Quote
Reed, It's been far to long to wait to send you thanks for your review of The Archangel. I see you have had a spurt of reviews and must keep yourself quite busy. I barely get a chance to get to this hobby lately but that is life. I really want to send you a huge thank you for your valued review. I have been working on this script, slowly, for a long time. Mostly, I have focused on story on the last few re-writes I've done but it was extremely welcomed to see my flaws in areas of format. I do very much appreciate your time and best of luck to you.
+ more commentsbetazeta1 on 03/05/2012
I think you make a number of valid points and perhaps a few that I don't agree with (!)
As for putting in the unfilmable in a script (i.e. He’s popular with the others and has a vivid imagination.) - I know those rules, I just consciously chose to break them. It's a nonsense to not be able to say something like that in a script when it would actually help an actor to understand about the character. I think some rules are there for the breaking.
Thanks again!
Jim
dogfur on 02/06/2012
wildandfree74 on 02/06/2012