rmahler

Blackout review

A review of Blackout.com

by rmahler on 12/19/2008

This was an interesting concept that made for a good read. I think the dialog needed work to make it more natural and you might want to think of more ways to make the script more visual and less dialog driven, but the concept itself is solid. I'm not sure that I understand what you were trying to accomplish with the ending on the bus though. Why does Jamal fake his death?... read

Uplifting

A review of Principles of Buoyancy

by rmahler on 12/13/2008

Overall, this was a well-wrought script. The goal is clear cut from the start and the obstacles are well constructed for the protagonist to overcome. One minor mistake is that you attribute Ode to Joy to Bach (it's from Beethoven's 9th). I do have a few things that I think need addressing. First of all, I think you set up a very good conflict for Albert, but in a way he... Overall, this was a well-wrought script. The goal is clear cut from the start and the obstacles are well constructed for the protagonist to overcome. One minor mistake is that you attribute Ode to Joy to Bach (it's from Beethoven's 9th). I do have a few things that I think need addressing. First of all, I think you set up a very good conflict for Albert, but in a way he never has to make the hero's decision. His mother dies (not that it's easy on him), but it's a convenient way for the plot to make the choice he couldn't. He never really has to come up with a solution to his main problem. I also had a minor issue with the light-hearted tone of the people's escape attempts. It could work I guess if treated properly, but I couldn't get around the fact that these almost comical moments ended with people in dire agony in barbed wire. Yikes! It was as if you wanted to give it a light-hearted feel to alleviate the drama, but the reality is a little too gruesome. Not sure how to handle that one, but wasn't sure if it would play right. The other problem I have (and it's also a minor gripe) is that I think that things actually work out a little too well for Albert. Yes, he spends years yearning to be reunited, but he doesn't seem to suffer much on screen. His ordeal at the butcher is solved for him, his mother dies and makes the decision to leave an easy one, he gets a job offer to become a clown, then a huge offer to go to the one birthday party enough balloons to carry off his plan. While in the air, other than a minor wind shift, all goes according to plan. Albert needs to be in peril for the entire last third of this script, battling against all odds to reach the other side of the wall. He needs to have his dreams dashed again and again, only to dig down and come up with a unique solution (you have the solution, you just have to have him work for it). Basically, I think your images are phenomenal, but the circumstances seem to drive the story more than Albert's determination. Does that make sense? I actually think the story would be stronger if the ending came as a sudden revelation to Albert at the party. What if he had another plan in mind all together, and it gets foiled? Then he suddenly gets the idea to use the balloons at the end and (although he gets shot at, and al sorts of unexpected things happen in the air) he manages to get over the wall. I think it would really ramp up the excitement in what is already a great concept. Just my two cents. You're an excellent writer and to me this has HUGE potential. Just need to raise the stakes to make it really sing.

Best of luck. I actually read Father Max about two years ago I think so I know that you're an excellent writer who can take this story up a notch or two. read

Difficult Read

A review of OLD ROTHBERGHIAN

by rmahler on 12/04/2008

I applaud you for your valiant effort to write in what is obviously not your native language. I could not do the same. However, the fact that I could tell that it was not your native language means that it got in the way of my enjoyment of your story. You should seriously consider get a screenplay editor to read and edit your script to make it more proper English. Your... read

Very well done

A review of Matadora (The Angela Hernandez Story)

by rmahler on 12/04/2008

You really kept my attention throughout the entire script, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that your formatting was excellent with almost no typos at all. So many fail to achieve those basic goals. What can I say? I wanted to know how it all ended, I was anxious for her in the ring, I was intrigued by the whole thing, and appreciated the significant amount of research... read

Build the Suspense!

A review of Breach Point Castle

by rmahler on 12/03/2008

First off, let me applaud you on your overall formatting and classic three-act structure. I can't tell you how many screenplays I've read that fail to deliver on those very basics. I thought this screenplay got off to a very good start. I was pleasantly surprised with Clara’s wit and intelligence and the overall mystery. Unfortunately, I felt that the story kind of fell... First off, let me applaud you on your overall formatting and classic three-act structure. I can't tell you how many screenplays I've read that fail to deliver on those very basics.

I thought this screenplay got off to a very good start. I was pleasantly surprised with Clara’s wit and intelligence and the overall mystery. Unfortunately, I felt that the story kind of fell flat after the excellent opening. Instead of maintaining your originality, I feel like you resorted to the typical clichés of the mystery genre. It wasn’t until the end of Act 3 when we see that Eric is a healer surrounded by fireflies that your originality came back. And even that was slightly anti-climactic since it seemed that the hooded figures had already healed Aunt Maureen. The biggest problem that I had with the script however is that you were too nice to your audience. What I mean by that is that in many stories (but especially mysteries) you need to torture your audience with conflict and suspense. At almost every opportunity where you created tension, you quickly resolved it. Every time there was a conflict or misunderstanding between two characters, they spoke to each other, forgave each other and moved on. What you need to do is not have the characters get along so well. Create tension, milk it and figure out ways to build upon it. Be cruel to your audience and don’t let your characters off the hook so easily.

Specific page-by-page comments:
Pg 4 – did you mean “it a little nibble” ?

Pg. 8 “ I knew I should have left earlier” – great line

Pg. 18 – I think you meant “WHAT made you ask, anyway?”

Pg. 31 – I think you should introduce the doctor by his last name in all caps since that’s how he’s referred to in dialog.

Pg. 37 – “Why must I have?” sounds very formal. Wouldn’t she just say something like “Why do you say that?”

Pg. 46 – This was awkwardly worded – “Street
traffic passes through a large picture window.” – How about “can be seen through” ?

Pg. 57 - I didn’t think it seemed realistic that she would assume that her aunt was fine after what she experienced

Pg. 59 - It also seemed unrealistic that there’s no recording device on the security cameras in a hospital

Pg. 83 - Did you mean lots of people “saw” Eric burning?

Pg. 87 - the answering machine message was very creepy - good job read

Dreamworld

A review of Uncovering Julia

by rmahler on 12/03/2008

There's a lot to like about this script. The core ideas, the overall inventiveness and imagination were all admirable. The Nate/Julia conflict is well handled, but there were two major things that didn't work for me. 1 - Stan's rhyming drove me nuts after about two pages. I feel like his character needs to be toned down a bit. 2 - This is tied very closely to number... read

Very Professional

A review of Amazing Gracie

by rmahler on 12/02/2008

I always appreciate when a writer is economical with their words…good job. Overall, I liked the script, but felt that the dialog could have been more clever. I appreciate what you’ve done, but at the same time I felt that you could have invested the reader more emotionally in the story. To me, this is an excellent jumping off point. I’ve read at least one of your other... read

Liked the Concept

A review of Blind Faith

by rmahler on 12/02/2008

I enjoyed the concept of the script, but I felt that the dialog was a little flat. I'd love to see some more clever exchanges between the characters. Also, there were a few moments that could have been lifted out of the realm of cliche, such as their getaway by jumping the train tracks. How many times have we seen that at the movies? All in all, this was a good script that... read

Almost There

A review of Crocodile Tears

by rmahler on 11/29/2008

Okay, this review is going to seem almost contradictory, but here goes...Sometimes yout don't have enough faith in our dialogue. You could strip away the italics and quotes and underlines and parentheticals in almost every instance and the script would be cleaner, and it would help the flow. You HAVE TO trust the intelligence of your reader to get it sometimes. The flip... read

Whole Notes Review

A review of Whole Notes (revised again)

by rmahler on 09/29/2006

I read this script a while back and I feel that this draft is greatly improved. Rewriting has a way of drawing more out of you, doesn't it? Anyway, I felt the heartbeat fo the story much more this time. I enjoyed Conrad's wit and character much more this time, which made a vast difference in the overall experience. I identified with with his feelings of alienation, which... read

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Reviews by rmahler 98

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Submissions by rmahler

Reviews by rmahler 98

Comments About rmahler 13

AngelB on 01/10/2009

GameArs on 01/10/2009

shedenbo on 01/09/2009

MattyMustng on 01/09/2009

TroyMichaelLarson on 12/21/2008

Mr. Bush on 12/20/2008

Lexey on 12/12/2008

shedenbo on 12/11/2008

TheKeenGuy on 12/09/2008

RyanDee on 12/07/2008

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