Russ2007
member since 09/18/2007 |
last login 05/24/2013
Russell Edwards ------------------------ He's a screenwriter who generally finds himself procrastinating in front of a blank screen, staring blankly at a screen or trawling through the internet. Generally he's waiting for that epiphany or light bulb moment when he realizes that he...
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Russell Edwards
------------------------
He's a screenwriter who generally finds himself procrastinating in front of a blank screen, staring blankly at a screen or trawling through the internet. Generally he's waiting for that epiphany or light bulb moment when he realizes that he has that one idea that will launch him into the echelons.
As someone growing up in the '80s and '90s, he found escape through the films of Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and many others.
He has always held an avid interest in movies. It wasn't until after a visit to the cinema in 2006 he was inspired to learn the craft of screenwriting and attempted his first screenplay. That script wasn't very good but it was a great learning curve and introduced him to the world of screenwriting. He has written a number of screenplays since.
He enjoys and appreciates the hard work that goes into creating a story and putting it down on paper. From the initial idea and logline right through to the final FADE OUT.
Russell is unable to divulge his age but he assures you hes over 21.
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COMPETITION PLACEMENTS BELOW
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The Magic Canvas
2012 Semi-Finalist (Top 25 Family Category) Page International Screenwriting Awards.
Neila
2012 Quarter-Finalist in Page International Screenwriting Awards.
Forgotten Victims
2012 Quarter-Finalist in Scriptapalooza.
Santa's Wish List
2011 Semi-Finalist (Top 25 Family Category) Page International Screenwriting Awards.
Innocence Lost
Space Vacation
2011 2nd Round (Top 25%) Page International Screenwriting Awards.
Serial Killers
2010 Quarter-Finalist in scriptapalooza and Page International Screenwriting Awards.Europe or Die Trying
2010 2nd Round Top 25% Page International Screenwriting Awards. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------www.russellwedwards.com<---- Check out his website.
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Russell is working on the following:
---->"Rewrites, outlines."
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Know the "5 Ps"
Be professional, be pro-active, persevere and be prepared to pitch.
Submissions by Russ2007
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Reviews by Russ2007 244
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A review of The Sorcerers' Ballby Russ2007 on 05/19/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: There's... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot here that the writer introduces.
The main characters are introduced straight away.
And the writer does well in setting the tone.
Format wise, no glaring issues.
It's easy to read.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
This reader has a number of issues with opening pages.
At the moment, the story seems very muddled with no clear focus on any one character or characters. There's an abundance of characters introduced in these opening pages with no clear focus on anyone. It appears that Oliver is the main character, but nothing has really happened to him and he doesn't seem to be pushing the story forward in any clear direction. This is probably down to there being far too many characters all interacting with each other.
There's quite a lot of dialogue and not enough doing.
As mentioned in the notes, something should've happened to Oliver that gives him the opportunity to take the story in a different direction, but nothing concrete has happened to him.
What if when meeting the DRUNK and WIZARD characters, he is the one that pockets the drunk's wallet or the wizard's wand without them realizing it?
What if he's just been for an audition for an apprentice role and was turned down because of Brad?
He's in a bad mood and this is why he steals the wand or money?
What if there is some serious rivalry going on between Oliver and Brad to get an apprentice role and maybe convince Jeannie to go on a date with one of them? At the moment, there's no conflict and no motivation for anyone.
There's also the issue of the thieves and police.
They just appear out of nowhere.
What if the police are in house police?
What if this is one of many instances when the police have come to this hotel?
As for the thieves, consider showing them getting ready to go to the hotel or their journey there?
It really comes down to the story and how it is structured at this point.
Set up Oliver's world. What if he gets turned down for an assistant's role?
Inciting incident pinches a wand or the money, or maybe he finds another item.
Brad and Oliver have a rivalry going on about who would make a better apprentice.
Just things for you to consider.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This reader is finding the same issues in this section.
There doesn't seem to be any clear story here.
Things just seem to be happening to Oliver. As a character, he is very passive and reactive. Just going along for the ride. As an example, the conversation between Oliver and Hubert lasts for several pages and doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
Not only that, it has taken the focus of the story away from the hotel where this reader assumed the story was taking place.
There's a lot of potential here, but as it's written at the moment, there's no real story with no one to follow. Ideally, the reader needs someone they can follow through the duration of the story.
Pg 51 75
This reader is going to be honest. He was hoping for a little bit more from Oliver as a character. Oliver should be the one driving this story forward with his choices and decisions. This reader was hoping that Oliver was going to be the one that solves the mystery as to who the thieves are and retrieve all the stolen goods.
The scenes with him saving Jeannie from Lewis don't sit right with this reader. Oliver needs to work harder and there needs to be more conflict injected between Oliver and Brad. Oliver does mention way back on page 13 when Oliver speaks to Rhesus.
OLIVER
You mean work for you? I don't think
Brad'd be comfortable with that.
This reader was hoping for some strong rivalry between Brad and Oliver as the story progressed. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.
This is probably due to the amount of characters that are introduced in those opening twenty-five pages. There's just too many with no clear focus on anyone.
Oliver is the protagonist. He should be driving the story forward.
Brad should be the antagonist and Oliver's rival.
The writer should consider dropping Lewis and injecting some of his personality into Brad. Cutting down on the number of characters and focusing on just a few will strengthen this story in this reader's opinion.
Pg 76 to the end
This reader is still finding the same issues in this section.
Oliver should be the one actively searching for this eye.
Having everyone chase him in the closing stages of the story makes him a very passive and reactive character. He's just reacting, rather than being proactive.
This reader puts this down to not having a clear focus as to where the story should be going.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
It's not a bad premise, it does have potential.
The one area the writer needs to consider is the target audience. A story that has wizards and sorcerers and centaurs in it would probably be far suited to a family audience.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The sctual format is pretty good.
No major issues.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
Had Oliver been given more concrete goals to be chasing. A more solid structure could be implemented here. As it's written at the moment, there's no real structure, not until the very end, and even then, Oliver is reacting rather than being active.
If the writer can figure out a way of giving Oliver some concrete goals by setting up his story in that 1st ACT better, this will help tremendously with structuring the story. The opening twenty-five pages are a good example where not much is happening.
There's a bunch of charactes that are talking to each other constantly.
Set up the world Oliver inhabits he wants to win the girl, become an apprentice.
Inciting Incident Maybe someone pulls out of the contest and he gets to be an apprentice.
2nd ACT turning point the thieves arrive. Oliver goes on a mission to find the eye for the witches.
Etc.
Just ideas for you to think about.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pacing is very much affected by three things:
1. The lack of an active protagonist with an achievable goal or goals.
2. The amount of dialogue.
3. The number of characters.
Those opening twenty-five pages are very important in setting up Oliver's world and figuring out what he wants and how he's going to achieve them. What does he want and what are the obstacles getting in the way of him?
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
This version has quite a lot of characters.
There a lot of characters introduced in those opening pages.
Consider combining Lewis and Brad into one character and making them one character.
This reader believes that Brad has the potential to be the main antagonist.
Oliver is extremely passive and reactive. He needs to become far more active.
The only way of doing this is by giving him a goal that he wants and needs to achieve by the end of the 1st ACT. This will then take him into the 2nd ACT. And he sets about achieving these goals.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
Take a look at those opening pages as an example.
A lot of talking and not much happening.
This is mainly due to the number of characters that are introduced.
The writer needs to figure out which characters need to stay and go.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This writer couldn't really determine if there was a theme or not.
Consider having an EXTERNAL and INTERNAL goal for Oliver.
Oliver's external goals could be becoming an apprentice.
Winning the girl, Jeannie. Finding the eye for the witches.
His internal goal could be, maybe he needs to grow up and learn to become more responsible.
Maybe he's shy and learn to become more confident as the story progresses.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
For the most part, the action lines read reasonably fast.
This reader could visualise what is going on in a scene.
As for the tone, this reader believes that this would be more suited for the family market, due to the nature of the story.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
The writer needs to consider the age of the target audience.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
Figure out who the protagonist and antagonist are.
This reader believes that Oliver should be the main protagonist and that Brad should be the main antagonist.
The story should revolve around Oliver's desire to become an apprentice and eventually a sorcerer. Also winning the girl, Jeannie. And discoveriing who the thieves are. And possibly finding this eye for the witches.
The main player standing in his way, should be Brad. He is Oliver's rival, the main antagonist. He is also trying to get Jeannie's attention. And they should both be trying to get a spot as a sorcerer's apprentice at this ball.
And that's the story, nice and simple. This will help keep the character count down.
This reader also believes that the story could quite easily be contained in the hotel, rather than in all these other locations. Imagine if this hotel was really huge, think of the possibilities.
The story should also end at the ball. As that's the title.
It should end with Oliver discovering that he's a sorcerer or at least becoming an apprentice and he should also have the girl, Jeannie. Rather than ending on the witches and some kind of tornado that sucks them all away.
OVERALL:
There's lots of potential here.
At the moment, this reader feels that it's not reached its full potential yet, due to the execution.
Best of luck with it. Get plenty of notes.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
You might want to consider breaking this page up with one line of dialogue.
What if the child centaur aks if they're there yet?
Pg 3
A door marked 'MALES' opens, revealing a genuine WIZARD in a
long robe and conical hat. He has an authentic white beard
and carries a wand.
A door marked MALES opens, revealing a white-bearded WIZARD in a long robe and pointed hat. He holds up a wand as he steps out.
Apologies, sometimes the writing seems a little overwritten.
Give the drunk and wizard some description.
SCRUFFY DRUNK
WHITE-BEARDED WIZARD
Pg 7
Okay, this reader will be honest here. He's not entirely sure who the main character is at this point. As nothing important seems to have happened to anyone yet.
It could be either Oliver, Brad or Lewis at this point. This reader is going to hazard a guess and say that it's Oliver.
Pg 10
Lots of talking here and this reader still has no idea whose story this is. The story seems to be focusing on Lewis and this wallet now. This might be an angle worth examining in future rewrites.
Pg 15
This reader is slightly conncerned at this point as there doesn't seem to be any clear focus on the story or on any one particular character or characters.
There have been a lot of characters introduced in these opening fifteen pages. This reader has counted around 8 characters. That's quite a lot in such a short space of time. And nothing seems to have happened to any of them.
As already mentioned, this reader guesses that this story is about Oliver, but nothing has indicated that at this point. Ideally something should have happened to him by now. And he should be thinking about what to next.
What if the Drunk drops his wand and Oliver pockets it?
What if Oliver is the one that pockets the wallet?
What if Oliver has been trying to get an apprentice role for the last few years and has been getting turned down and then something happens to him that gives him an opportunity?
This is hinted at with Rhesus and Theon.
What if Oliver accidentally uses magic on one of their apprentices and then has to step in to help them because they don't know where their apprentice is?
Pg 21
These pages are a good example where nothing much is happening. Ideally, the story should still be revolving around Oliver to some degree.
Pg 23
This comes out of nowhere, these thieves just suddenly appear. It might be worth considering setting this up right at the start. Consider showing them on the way to the mansion.
Pg 24
BABY JANE
Those mutherfuckers stole our eye!
This reader was still unsure about the target audience at this point.
This confirms that the writer must be aiming at adults.
Although, this reader doesn't understand this as there are children characters in this.
The writer might want to reconsider their target audience for this.
There's potential here for a family movie.
The police show up out of nowwhere. Similar to the thieves.
Pg 28
Might be worth giving this Detective a name as he's in it quite a bit.
Pg 30
It might be worth giving the wizard a name as well, as he's in quite a few scenes.
Pg 33
This is a good example where things are just happening around Oliver and he's basically reacting to situations he finds himself in.
This reader would like to a see far more proactive Oliver. What this reader would like to see, is Oliver being the one that solves this case, he's the one that discovers who these thieves are and he learns something about himself as the story unfolds.
At the moment, Oliver is very passive and reactive.
Pg 40
Slightly confused as to how this flashback plays into the overall story. There still doesn't seem to be any driving momentum in what's going on at the moment. There's no clear focus.
Pg 62
If there's going to be a relationship between Oliver and Jeannie, the writer needs to consider setting things up better at the beginning.
What if Oliver has the hots for Jeannie, but she keeps ignoring his advances?
As already mentioned, what if Oliver and Brad are competeing for her attention?
He needs to work harder for her affection.
One minute he is ignoring her, next minute he saves her from Lewis and now they're together. It seems too easy, more conflict needs to be introduced.
Pg 68
This reader was hoping to see Oliver solve this crime and discover who these thieves were and then win over Jeannie. Ideally, this reader believes that this is the story that the writer should be aiming for.
EXTERNAL GOAL Discover who the thieves are and win Jeannie over. Get an apprenticeship.
INTERNAL GOAL Not sure about this one. Maybe Oliver is selfish, cocky, full of himself. Maybe he lacks confidence. He needs to learn something about himself as the story unfolds.
Pg 83
These scenes are a good example where things are happening around Oliver, and he's just standing there watching, acting passively and reacting to the situation he finds himself in.
Ideally, Oliver should be the one looking for this eye.
Pg 97
What does he want?
What does he need?
What are the obstacles standing in the way of him getting it?
How will he overcome these obstacles as the story unfolds?
Just asking some questions about Oliver? read -
A review of Matches Rev. Draftby Russ2007 on 05/17/2013WHAT WORKED: There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters. Format is good. Reads quickly. WHAT DIDN'T WORK: The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything... WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters.
Format is good. Reads quickly.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything is being conveyed to the reader via pages and pages of dialogue. Characters are endlessly saying exactly what's on their mind and telling each other their problems.
As mentioned in the notes, the conversation that starts on page four, doesn't finish until around page eleven or twelve. That's a very long time to have characters talking to each other about their problems to each other. Talking heads and exposition.
Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this information to the reader in another way. Many times the characters will say what's wrong and why they aren't happy. As an example, let's take a look at this example from the notes.
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And hes been so...
It would be far better showing this.
Consider showing Daniel being turned down for the promotion at work.
Consider showing him getting stressed at work. He's not coping.
Then coming home and ignoring Rachel's advances.
What if Andre arrives at work after a vacation all happy, and Daniel asks him what's going on and then Andre tells him about the swingers club etc? This could be the inciting incident.
Daniel then takes some brochures home and tries to convince Rachel about it?
What if he checks out some sites on the internet?
What if they argue about it first?
What if Daniel finally persuades Rachel and she agrees to it?
There needs to be more conflict injected into this to make it interesting.
These are just ideas for you to consider.
This reader believes everything is here, it's just not being executed in the best way at the moment.
When they arrive at the manor, consider having a chaperone there who instructs them on what they can and can't do. The rules of the game. What if this chaperone gets the newcomers to introduce themselves, create some tension? What if this makes Rachel think twice about it and maybe one of the other experienced swingers there convinces her to stay?
These are just ideas for you to consider.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This is certainly a lot more interesting than the previous section. Although, this reader questions how Julian found out where Rachel would be? This may be explained later, but the writer should consider setting this up better.
Otherwise, it comes across as too coincidental.
There is also a great opportunity to inject some conflict.
Rachel should be concerned when she first sees Julian, and should question him and his motives. She should be a little more suspicious of him.
Ask him how he found her etc. And he explains that it's just a lucky coincidence or maybe that she told him at the manor etc.
As mentioned in the notes, what if Julian finds a business card and cell phone number in Rachel's handbag while she is sleeping at the manor? And this is how he finds out where she is?
Pg 51 75
This reader would like to see Julian hassle Rachel more before she finally gives in to him. This reader would also like to see more scenes of them together where his temper and controlling side comes through.
He's a bit of a control freak.
Otherwise, it kind of comes out of the blue.
What if is is hinted at in a scene at the manor?
What if Julian goes to touch Jo or something and she flinches?
What if Jo has a bruise on her face and makes up some excuse to Rachel about it?
Also the story thread involving the investigation. This also seems to come out of the blue, ideally the writer needs to consider setting this up better at the start. Again, the opening section, the first twenty-five pages feel wasted due to the amount of dialogue.
The writer should consider setting some scenes at Daniel's work showing him getting stressed and also setting up this investigation better. Otherwise, it feels like it it's dropped in.
Pg 76 100
Lots of issues with this section.
The first one is the amount of dialogue.
Characters talk endlessly to each other, explaining everything.
A good example of an excessive amount of dialogue is the scene at the graveyard that starts on page 75. It's far too long. Pages and pages of dialogue, this amount of dialogue kills any momentum that a story has.
Secondly, is the scene at the fire station. This needs to happen in ACT 1. The writer needs to show the world Daniel inhabits in those opening pages. Show why he's stressed, show him not getting that promotion at work. Show him not coping. Otherwise, this comes out of the blue.
Show him investigating this case about the arsonist.
Thirdly, the story shifts to Julian's and Jo's relationship. The writer needs to consider what and who this story is about. Is it about a couple trying to solve their relationship issues or is it about a guy who works for the fire department who's trying to solve an investigation? If these two worlds are set up better in the 1st Act, then it is possible that it can work.
Pg 101 to the end
Same issues with this section.
Lots of explaining and dialogue
Consider bringing Olly into it more.
What Rachel knows him from work and is surprised when she first sees him at the manor? As it's written at the moment, he just kind of pops up randomly, consider developing their relationship more.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
At the moment, this really feels like it should be two stories.
One about an arsonist who works in the fire department.
And one about a couple trying to fix their relationship problems.
If the writer works harder at setting up both these worlds in the opening pages, then it could work.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The actual format is fine.
No glaring issues. A few spelling mistakes here and there and lacking punctuation.
Nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
One of the problems is not having one main character to focus on.
The story shifts from character to character and there doesn't appear to be any one character driving the story forward with their actions. A good example is when Andre calls Rachel and asks her about Daniel and she somehow puts two and two together. If this is the route the writer wishes to take, then they need to make Rachel far more proactive.
Is it her story or Daniel's?
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Although it is incredibly easy to read. The actual story is incredibly slow. This is mainly due to the amount of dialogue between characters. They talk endlessly. Good examples to use are the ones at the graveyard and right at the start when they are all having dinner.
Pages and pages of dialogue.
This amount of dialogue slows down the momentum of a story.
Not to mention, it's extremely boring to read, talking heads.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
The writer needs to figure out who the main character is and stay with them through the course of the story and tell it from their point of view.
Is it Daniel's story?
Is it Rachel's story?
Ideally, it should be told from the perspective of Rachel, what if she is the one that suggests they go to a swingers club? What if she grows suspicious of Daniel being away all the time?
She needs to be pushing the story forward?
If the story is told from Daniel's point of view, then his life needs to be set up a lot better in those opening twenty-five pages. As already mentioned, show him at work and not coping, show him bringing his problems home with him and that is why their relationship isn't working.
This would be far more interesting than watching a bunch of characters sitting round a dining table chatting about why their lives suck.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's just far too much in this version.
Where characters say exactly what's on their minds.
More work needs to be done in reducing the amount.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This reader couldn't see a theme as such.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The writer does well with the description and action lines.
Easy to read and understand.
The tone of the story does shift some what, especially when the story thread about the arsonist comes into play. More work needs to be done in keeping the tone more consistent.
Again, if this is set up earlier in ACT 1, this might work.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
At the moment, this story feels very muddled with no clear focus.
The writer needs to consider setting up the lives of the characters much better in that 1st ACT.
Is it about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues?
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
The writer needs to consider whether or not this is about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues. It is possible that it can work, but more work is needed in setting up Daniel's life and work environment at the start.
There's far too much dialogue where characters are just explaining everything to each other. And telling each other exactly what's on their mind.
Setting things up in ACT 1
Cutting down on the amount of dialogue and figuring out the structure, so that the story has momentum. Rather than having endless pages of dialogue.
OVERALL:
There's a lot in this first draft that the writer can use in the next version.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Format looks fine.
Pg 1
There's a character name without dialogue. ANDRE
Pg 6
Noticed a few spelling mistakes.
Stripper. It's...
Pg 8
DANIEL
Weve tried everything.
Counseling, books, self-help. We
even considered
When a character interrupts another, add two dashes -
If a character trails off or pauses for a second add
Pg 10
ANDRE
We were in the same boat as you,
taking each other for granted.
Everything was routine, we spent
plenty of time together but
things were always the same. And
it snapped.
At the moment, everyone is telling each other how they feel and what's going on in their lives. It's a lot of dialogue to get through. Consider getting this across another way. This conversation started back on page four.
What if Daniel is at work and overhears someone went to a swingers party? Decides to make some inquiries himself to find out what it's all about?
Maybe gets some brochures etc, takes them home, what if Rachel finds them? What if she disagrees and they argue about it?
Pg 11
KIM
We talked about it after a
session with a marriage
counselor. I said we shouldnt
rule out anything if we wanted to
save our marriage.
At this point, this reader doesn't know what part Kim and Andre are going to play in this story. But it might be worth considering, what if Daniel and Rachel are seeing a marriage counselor and they are the ones that maybe suggest that they need to spice up their love life and get out there?
Rather than have them all sitting around a table chatting.
Pg 12
That's quite a long conversation.
Pg 16
DANIEL
Look Im tired and Ive been
busting my balls all day and not
one person gives a shit.
There's a lot of dialogue in these pages where characters are basically telling each other what's been going on. Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this to the reader in a more interesting way.
There's a lot to work with here.
Let's take a look at the setup. Things need to be moving faster, rather than having them talking about everything, consider showing.
What if Daniel fails to get a promotion at work?
Consider showing Daniel having a bad day at work.
Consider showing Daniel arriving at home and Rachel trying to seduce him and he shrugs her off and he falls asleep.
Consider showing them having an argument in the morning.
Consider showing Daniel at work, and he meets Andre who's in a very good mood, and Daniel finds out from Andre about these swinger clubs. This could be the inciting incident. Then we get to see them at work and discussing swinger clubs. Kill two birds with one stone.
Daniel then goes home and tries to tell Rachel about it. At first they argue about and then she finally agrees to it etc.
These are ideas for you to think about. Rather than just having them sitting around talking about it. Actually show why they are having these problems and try and show either Daniel or Rachel trying to figure out how to solve these issues they have. Make them proactive.
Pg 19
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And hes been so
Instead of having characters telling each other everything, consider showing these situations. Consider having a scene showing Danny getting turned down for promotion. Consider showing Danny at work struggling to get through the day. Makes it far more interesting.
At the moment, there is a lot of dialogue where characters are telling each other everything.
Consider showing Danny and Rachel in bed at night. Rachel is up for a bit of action and Danny ignores her, he's just not interested. This causes her to be offended and she starts thinking that maybe it's her fault. This would create conflict on the page which is far better and more interesting than having characters tell each other about their lives.
Pg 22
A good opportunity to lighten the tone here.
Make this first meet between Rachel and Oliver more interesting.
What if Oliver spills his drink over Rachel?
What if she spills her drink over him?
Liven things up a little.
And then this Derek character tries to muscle his way in etc.
Pg 37
DANIEL
Rach, did you see how all those
guys were staring at you last
night? Everyone wanted you and I
was so jealous and I felt like an
idiot for not having appreciated
what I had more.
Consider showing moments like this.
Especially if they were to have a meeting before the swinging kicks in.
Pg 40
This is too coincidental, this reader isn't sure if this will be explained later. But if it isn't, this needs to be set up when they are in the bedroom.
What if Julian checks through her handbag while Rachel is asleep and finds a business card and cell phone number. And this is how he tracks her down.
What if he rings up her place of work, or maybe she tells him that she's got a house viewing on a road and he figure it out etc.
Pg 42
Consider cutting out all the meet and greet scenes, and just cut straight to the dinner, mid-conversation.
Pg 51
DANIEL (CONTD)
Dont even think about it, Danny,
you moron.
This reader suspects that Daniel has a thing for Jo. This needs to be set up, what if he and Rachel are still arguing and things haven't got back to normal yet?
Pg 58
KIM
I knew he was too perfect.
Don't really need the above dialogue.
Pg 60
This reader is a little unsure as to what investigation they are referring to here. Pretty certain this wasn't set up at the start, it suddenly comes out of the blue. The writer needs to consider setting up what's going on in Daniel's life at the start better. Consider having some early scenes of him at work not coping -, under pressure with this investigation, not getting the promotion etc.
Pg 84
This scene at the Graveyard is almost nine pages long. That's a very long scene where the characters are basically telling each other what's on their mind.
Pg 88
This is the first time we are seeing Daniel at the fire station. This is far too late. As already mentioned, instead of all that dialogue in those opening twenty-five pages. Show Daniel at work getting turned down for that promotion, getting stressed with this investigation etc.
Let the reader see the situation he is in.
Pg 91
Make it clearer that Julian is actually present.
Pg 96
Consider making this clearer. He's knocked over the head and in the next line he wakes up tied to a radiator. Consider having him wake up in another area of the house? What if he gets hit over the head in the kitchen and wakes up in a bedroom?
Pg 101
DANIEL
We dont know but there have been
a string of arsons going back the
last couple of years that seem to
point to him.
The writer needs to show Daniel working on this case in the 1st ACT. read -
A review of Goddessby Russ2007 on 05/12/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: The... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
The writer does well with the opening scene. Creating some intrigue.
The story moves along at a reasonable pace as we see Audrey grow up over the years and finally filling the shoes of her alter ego, Athena. The writer also sets up Audrey's goal, or at least one of them. To find her biological parents.
The format is great. No issues. Plenty of white on the page, coupled with the writing makes for an easy read, which a writer should always strive for.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
Why Athena? As mentioned in the notes, why the name, Athena? Consider setting this up. What if she has a name that relates to her powers?
Audrey's decision to find her parents, it would be nice to see something or someone inspire her to find her parents. What if she wants to be a normal kid with parents, wants to know why they gave her up, the reasons perhaps?
Another area of concern, is the lack of conflict.
Consider showing Audrey under house arrest, and that's why she escaped and went for a run.
What if she feels like a science project and just wants to be a normal kid?
It would be nice to see Audrey possibly not want all this attention and celebrity status to start with, but Meredith manages to persuade her into doing it. And later she starts to revel in it.
Consider showing Audrey coming to terms with her abilities, maybe show her training etc as the years pass. Ideally, this reader would like to see more conflict, and possibly seeing Audrey be a little more proactive in trying to find her parents.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
There are three areas that the writer might want to consider looking at.
Firstly, there doesn't seem to be enough conflict with what's going on with Audrey. The writer needs to consider injecting more conflict into the story. What if Audrey is getting fed up with this celebrity status that Meredith has forced on her? What if she wants out? And Meredith convinces her otherwise. Then she starts loving it. Getting greedy etc.
Secondly, Audrey doesn't seem to be pushing the story forward with her decisions and actions. She appears to be doing what everyone else wants her to do, which again, means little conflict. She needs to be more proactive, as an example, her search for her parents. This reader really isn't getting any sense of urgency in what she's doing. She definitely needs to be more proactive in this area. What if she gets close to finding them at certain times, and Meredith is there blocking her attempts?
Thirdly, Harmony's character, seemed to come out of the blue. This may come down to the setup, what if Harmony trained with Audrey as they grew up together? And this is how they know each other, what if Audrey confides in Harmony about her progress in how her search for her parents is going. And unknown to Audrey, Harmony is keeping Meredith updated?
Things to consider.
Pg 51 75
This is by far the best of the sections so far. Audrey is proactive and goes in search of Diana and finds her. She confronts Meredith about it, there's some conflict here. Ideally, Audrey needs to be more proactive and there definitely needs to be more conflict.
Pg 76 to the end
Although slightly confused as to whether or not Proagkelos was built by Newman or comes from space, this reads fast. The fight sequence does last for a number of pages. It might be worth considering, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana and Audrey has to save her.
Make it more personal.
This section and the section before are definitely better than the first two. This reader believes that Audrey needs to be more proactive at the start and a lot more conflict must be injected in that first half.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
An interesting premise.
Not sure if the logline is representative of what the actual story is about.
It's more about Audrey reconnecting with her mom and learning about her parents and past.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The format is very good. Which makes for an easy read.
A few spelling mistakes were spotted, but nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
An area that definitely needs work on, is making Audrey more proactive. This would definitely help with the structure. If she was actively seeking out her mom, and unknowingly being prevented from succeeding by Meredith would help.
Ideally, she should be driving the story forward, rather than the other characters around her.
The last battle sequence is a little long, even though it is easy to read.
Consider shortening that closing 3rd ACT. As already mentioned, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana, and Audrey has to save her from him? Make that fight scene more personal.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Again, just those closing twenty pages during that fight scene, try and break it up.
What if Proagkelos learns where Diana lives and forces Audrey to come and rescue her?
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
More conflict should be introduced between Audrey and Meredith.
What if she doesn't really want to become a celebrity, but Meredith convinces her that it's a good idea? She then grows into the role and becomes greedy, selfish, doesn't care about saving the world anymore. And as the story progresses, she becomes selfless and more caring.
As mentioned in the notes, this reader was a little confused as to where exactly Proagkelos comes from? Was he built on Earth or did he actually come from space? The writer might want to try and make this clearer on the page.
Something should happen to or inspire Audrey to suddenly want to find her parents and learn about them. Consider that scene when she's introduced, what if she saves someone, and then someone asks her about her family and this is what motivates her to seek out her mom.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
At times, characters have a habit of speaking their mind. Or when dialogue isn't needed.
As an example, when Meredith learns that Audrey has gone for a run on page six. Maybe just show a well guarded room that's empty and then have Meredith and the Assistant standing on the balcony staring at the streets below. Or when Meredith is threatening Akoye, use photographs instead.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
Internal = Greed Fame and fortune = Audrey must learn to be selfless and care for others.
External = Find her mom and defeat Proagkelos
After thinking about this.
What if Audrey is at first disgusted by all the fame and fortune and celebrity status, but then slowly starts to like it? This causes her to forget about her duties and she basically turns her back on saving the world from bad guys.
And when she finds her mom and has to fight against Proagkelos, she learns that there's more to life than just fame and fortune. She has to set aside her greed and selfishness and become selfless and caring etc.
At the moment, this reader doesn't believe the theme is quite there yet.
More work needs to be done.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The action lines read quickly. Apart from maybe those final twenty pages when the final fight happens. Consider finding a way to break up that fight scene.
What if Proagkelos goes to Diana's home?
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
Potential here. Needs work. Everyone likes a superhero.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Find some motivation for Audrey to find her parents. What inspires her?
2. Consider having Harmony and Audrey training together as they grow up.
3. Inject more conflict between Meredith and Audrey.
4. Audrey needs to be more proactive in finding and locating her mom. Her actions and choices should be driving the story forward as she tries to achieve her goals.
5. Try and make it clearer as to whether or not Proagkelos comes from space or not.
6. Shorten that final battle, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana?
OVERALL:
Well done. A clean read.
There's more work to be done.
Get plenty of notes for it.
Best of luck with it.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
Nice clean first page. Nos issues here with the format. Which is always a good start.
Nice opening. Might be worth considering adding a little more conflict.
What if Meredith is about to take the baby and it hasn't been named yet?
And Diana asks if she can at least give a name to the baby, and calls it Audrey as Meredith takes it.
Pg 6
Interesting opening with Audrey being chased by the police. Instead of having the assistant telling Meredith that Audrey is gone. Maybe just have them enter a very well guarded room and seeing a window open, leading down to a main road. Several floors below. How the hell did she get down there moment? A bit of intrigue. Considering the apartment might be several floors up? Then from a reader's and audience point o f view we can see why she would want to run away.
Pg 11
AUDREY
Ill have to find my parents.
Okay, this must her goal.
Consider showing something happening to her that inspires her to want to find her real parents. There's a good opportunity when she's being chased by the police. What if the car with the kid is about to have a crash and Audrey saves it and she sees how thankful the parents are and she also sees how they are with the kid that waved at her? How loving they are etc.
What if the kid asks her about her parents? And she can't answer this. Just ideas to consider.
This inspires her to want to find her parents. Some motivation.
Pg 15
This reader thinks it would be interesting if Meredith does offer to help Audrey try and locate her parents, only to lie to her and tell her that she's sorry and they couldn't find any info on them.
Pg 17
Why Athena? Why is that the name she chooses? How does it relate to the powers she has? Consider finding a name more appropriate or having a way to explain why she calls her alter ego this?
Audrey is also getting famous and using her powers to acquire some kind of celebrity status, which is nice. But what if she didn't want to and this was Meredith's idea?
What if Audrey doesn't want all this fame etc? Opportunity to create some conflict, but Meredith manages to convince her.
From this reader's perspective, a little more conflict will add to her personality and make the story more interesting.
Pg 22
Instead of her making indirect threats to Akoye, why not just have Meredith pull out a selection of photographs and give them to him. And then have her say, 'How's that secretary of yours doing?' or something along those lines.
Pg44
Audrey hasn't been in it since page 37. It's not a great deal of time, but enough to get noticed.
Pg 49
Consider making the God relevant to who she is. Research some Sun gods.
Pg 65
DIANA (CONTD)
Then this woman approaches me. Says
she can provide for you. Promises
me youll be safe.
Not sure about this explanation. What if Diana was part of the project? What if Meredith had paid Diana and then taken Audrey from here? Randomly approaching someone seems a bit odd. What if Meredith had offered her money etc? Some solid reasons for giving up Audrey.
Pg 78
Not sure about this scene, Audrey can't take him down, but the SWAT team can.
Pg 91
Newman pulls out the schematics for the drone. Does this mean they built Proagkelos? This is the second time, this reader has read this script, and is still unsure?
Pg 92
Why can't they use an EMP to take him out this time?
Pg 100
Project Olympus. Okay, so they did build it. This reader must've missed that the first time.
Pg 107
MEREDITH (CONTD)
There are some who now share his
concerns, with Proagkelos arrival
and your association with him.
Does that mean that they didn't build him?
This reader is slightly confused. read
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A review of The Sorcerers' Ballby Russ2007 on 05/19/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: There's... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot here that the writer introduces.
The main characters are introduced straight away.
And the writer does well in setting the tone.
Format wise, no glaring issues.
It's easy to read.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
This reader has a number of issues with opening pages.
At the moment, the story seems very muddled with no clear focus on any one character or characters. There's an abundance of characters introduced in these opening pages with no clear focus on anyone. It appears that Oliver is the main character, but nothing has really happened to him and he doesn't seem to be pushing the story forward in any clear direction. This is probably down to there being far too many characters all interacting with each other.
There's quite a lot of dialogue and not enough doing.
As mentioned in the notes, something should've happened to Oliver that gives him the opportunity to take the story in a different direction, but nothing concrete has happened to him.
What if when meeting the DRUNK and WIZARD characters, he is the one that pockets the drunk's wallet or the wizard's wand without them realizing it?
What if he's just been for an audition for an apprentice role and was turned down because of Brad?
He's in a bad mood and this is why he steals the wand or money?
What if there is some serious rivalry going on between Oliver and Brad to get an apprentice role and maybe convince Jeannie to go on a date with one of them? At the moment, there's no conflict and no motivation for anyone.
There's also the issue of the thieves and police.
They just appear out of nowhere.
What if the police are in house police?
What if this is one of many instances when the police have come to this hotel?
As for the thieves, consider showing them getting ready to go to the hotel or their journey there?
It really comes down to the story and how it is structured at this point.
Set up Oliver's world. What if he gets turned down for an assistant's role?
Inciting incident pinches a wand or the money, or maybe he finds another item.
Brad and Oliver have a rivalry going on about who would make a better apprentice.
Just things for you to consider.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This reader is finding the same issues in this section.
There doesn't seem to be any clear story here.
Things just seem to be happening to Oliver. As a character, he is very passive and reactive. Just going along for the ride. As an example, the conversation between Oliver and Hubert lasts for several pages and doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
Not only that, it has taken the focus of the story away from the hotel where this reader assumed the story was taking place.
There's a lot of potential here, but as it's written at the moment, there's no real story with no one to follow. Ideally, the reader needs someone they can follow through the duration of the story.
Pg 51 75
This reader is going to be honest. He was hoping for a little bit more from Oliver as a character. Oliver should be the one driving this story forward with his choices and decisions. This reader was hoping that Oliver was going to be the one that solves the mystery as to who the thieves are and retrieve all the stolen goods.
The scenes with him saving Jeannie from Lewis don't sit right with this reader. Oliver needs to work harder and there needs to be more conflict injected between Oliver and Brad. Oliver does mention way back on page 13 when Oliver speaks to Rhesus.
OLIVER
You mean work for you? I don't think
Brad'd be comfortable with that.
This reader was hoping for some strong rivalry between Brad and Oliver as the story progressed. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.
This is probably due to the amount of characters that are introduced in those opening twenty-five pages. There's just too many with no clear focus on anyone.
Oliver is the protagonist. He should be driving the story forward.
Brad should be the antagonist and Oliver's rival.
The writer should consider dropping Lewis and injecting some of his personality into Brad. Cutting down on the number of characters and focusing on just a few will strengthen this story in this reader's opinion.
Pg 76 to the end
This reader is still finding the same issues in this section.
Oliver should be the one actively searching for this eye.
Having everyone chase him in the closing stages of the story makes him a very passive and reactive character. He's just reacting, rather than being proactive.
This reader puts this down to not having a clear focus as to where the story should be going.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
It's not a bad premise, it does have potential.
The one area the writer needs to consider is the target audience. A story that has wizards and sorcerers and centaurs in it would probably be far suited to a family audience.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The sctual format is pretty good.
No major issues.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
Had Oliver been given more concrete goals to be chasing. A more solid structure could be implemented here. As it's written at the moment, there's no real structure, not until the very end, and even then, Oliver is reacting rather than being active.
If the writer can figure out a way of giving Oliver some concrete goals by setting up his story in that 1st ACT better, this will help tremendously with structuring the story. The opening twenty-five pages are a good example where not much is happening.
There's a bunch of charactes that are talking to each other constantly.
Set up the world Oliver inhabits he wants to win the girl, become an apprentice.
Inciting Incident Maybe someone pulls out of the contest and he gets to be an apprentice.
2nd ACT turning point the thieves arrive. Oliver goes on a mission to find the eye for the witches.
Etc.
Just ideas for you to think about.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pacing is very much affected by three things:
1. The lack of an active protagonist with an achievable goal or goals.
2. The amount of dialogue.
3. The number of characters.
Those opening twenty-five pages are very important in setting up Oliver's world and figuring out what he wants and how he's going to achieve them. What does he want and what are the obstacles getting in the way of him?
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
This version has quite a lot of characters.
There a lot of characters introduced in those opening pages.
Consider combining Lewis and Brad into one character and making them one character.
This reader believes that Brad has the potential to be the main antagonist.
Oliver is extremely passive and reactive. He needs to become far more active.
The only way of doing this is by giving him a goal that he wants and needs to achieve by the end of the 1st ACT. This will then take him into the 2nd ACT. And he sets about achieving these goals.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
Take a look at those opening pages as an example.
A lot of talking and not much happening.
This is mainly due to the number of characters that are introduced.
The writer needs to figure out which characters need to stay and go.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This writer couldn't really determine if there was a theme or not.
Consider having an EXTERNAL and INTERNAL goal for Oliver.
Oliver's external goals could be becoming an apprentice.
Winning the girl, Jeannie. Finding the eye for the witches.
His internal goal could be, maybe he needs to grow up and learn to become more responsible.
Maybe he's shy and learn to become more confident as the story progresses.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
For the most part, the action lines read reasonably fast.
This reader could visualise what is going on in a scene.
As for the tone, this reader believes that this would be more suited for the family market, due to the nature of the story.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
The writer needs to consider the age of the target audience.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
Figure out who the protagonist and antagonist are.
This reader believes that Oliver should be the main protagonist and that Brad should be the main antagonist.
The story should revolve around Oliver's desire to become an apprentice and eventually a sorcerer. Also winning the girl, Jeannie. And discoveriing who the thieves are. And possibly finding this eye for the witches.
The main player standing in his way, should be Brad. He is Oliver's rival, the main antagonist. He is also trying to get Jeannie's attention. And they should both be trying to get a spot as a sorcerer's apprentice at this ball.
And that's the story, nice and simple. This will help keep the character count down.
This reader also believes that the story could quite easily be contained in the hotel, rather than in all these other locations. Imagine if this hotel was really huge, think of the possibilities.
The story should also end at the ball. As that's the title.
It should end with Oliver discovering that he's a sorcerer or at least becoming an apprentice and he should also have the girl, Jeannie. Rather than ending on the witches and some kind of tornado that sucks them all away.
OVERALL:
There's lots of potential here.
At the moment, this reader feels that it's not reached its full potential yet, due to the execution.
Best of luck with it. Get plenty of notes.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
You might want to consider breaking this page up with one line of dialogue.
What if the child centaur aks if they're there yet?
Pg 3
A door marked 'MALES' opens, revealing a genuine WIZARD in a
long robe and conical hat. He has an authentic white beard
and carries a wand.
A door marked MALES opens, revealing a white-bearded WIZARD in a long robe and pointed hat. He holds up a wand as he steps out.
Apologies, sometimes the writing seems a little overwritten.
Give the drunk and wizard some description.
SCRUFFY DRUNK
WHITE-BEARDED WIZARD
Pg 7
Okay, this reader will be honest here. He's not entirely sure who the main character is at this point. As nothing important seems to have happened to anyone yet.
It could be either Oliver, Brad or Lewis at this point. This reader is going to hazard a guess and say that it's Oliver.
Pg 10
Lots of talking here and this reader still has no idea whose story this is. The story seems to be focusing on Lewis and this wallet now. This might be an angle worth examining in future rewrites.
Pg 15
This reader is slightly conncerned at this point as there doesn't seem to be any clear focus on the story or on any one particular character or characters.
There have been a lot of characters introduced in these opening fifteen pages. This reader has counted around 8 characters. That's quite a lot in such a short space of time. And nothing seems to have happened to any of them.
As already mentioned, this reader guesses that this story is about Oliver, but nothing has indicated that at this point. Ideally something should have happened to him by now. And he should be thinking about what to next.
What if the Drunk drops his wand and Oliver pockets it?
What if Oliver is the one that pockets the wallet?
What if Oliver has been trying to get an apprentice role for the last few years and has been getting turned down and then something happens to him that gives him an opportunity?
This is hinted at with Rhesus and Theon.
What if Oliver accidentally uses magic on one of their apprentices and then has to step in to help them because they don't know where their apprentice is?
Pg 21
These pages are a good example where nothing much is happening. Ideally, the story should still be revolving around Oliver to some degree.
Pg 23
This comes out of nowhere, these thieves just suddenly appear. It might be worth considering setting this up right at the start. Consider showing them on the way to the mansion.
Pg 24
BABY JANE
Those mutherfuckers stole our eye!
This reader was still unsure about the target audience at this point.
This confirms that the writer must be aiming at adults.
Although, this reader doesn't understand this as there are children characters in this.
The writer might want to reconsider their target audience for this.
There's potential here for a family movie.
The police show up out of nowwhere. Similar to the thieves.
Pg 28
Might be worth giving this Detective a name as he's in it quite a bit.
Pg 30
It might be worth giving the wizard a name as well, as he's in quite a few scenes.
Pg 33
This is a good example where things are just happening around Oliver and he's basically reacting to situations he finds himself in.
This reader would like to a see far more proactive Oliver. What this reader would like to see, is Oliver being the one that solves this case, he's the one that discovers who these thieves are and he learns something about himself as the story unfolds.
At the moment, Oliver is very passive and reactive.
Pg 40
Slightly confused as to how this flashback plays into the overall story. There still doesn't seem to be any driving momentum in what's going on at the moment. There's no clear focus.
Pg 62
If there's going to be a relationship between Oliver and Jeannie, the writer needs to consider setting things up better at the beginning.
What if Oliver has the hots for Jeannie, but she keeps ignoring his advances?
As already mentioned, what if Oliver and Brad are competeing for her attention?
He needs to work harder for her affection.
One minute he is ignoring her, next minute he saves her from Lewis and now they're together. It seems too easy, more conflict needs to be introduced.
Pg 68
This reader was hoping to see Oliver solve this crime and discover who these thieves were and then win over Jeannie. Ideally, this reader believes that this is the story that the writer should be aiming for.
EXTERNAL GOAL Discover who the thieves are and win Jeannie over. Get an apprenticeship.
INTERNAL GOAL Not sure about this one. Maybe Oliver is selfish, cocky, full of himself. Maybe he lacks confidence. He needs to learn something about himself as the story unfolds.
Pg 83
These scenes are a good example where things are happening around Oliver, and he's just standing there watching, acting passively and reacting to the situation he finds himself in.
Ideally, Oliver should be the one looking for this eye.
Pg 97
What does he want?
What does he need?
What are the obstacles standing in the way of him getting it?
How will he overcome these obstacles as the story unfolds?
Just asking some questions about Oliver? read -
A review of Matches Rev. Draftby Russ2007 on 05/17/2013WHAT WORKED: There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters. Format is good. Reads quickly. WHAT DIDN'T WORK: The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything... WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters.
Format is good. Reads quickly.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything is being conveyed to the reader via pages and pages of dialogue. Characters are endlessly saying exactly what's on their mind and telling each other their problems.
As mentioned in the notes, the conversation that starts on page four, doesn't finish until around page eleven or twelve. That's a very long time to have characters talking to each other about their problems to each other. Talking heads and exposition.
Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this information to the reader in another way. Many times the characters will say what's wrong and why they aren't happy. As an example, let's take a look at this example from the notes.
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And hes been so...
It would be far better showing this.
Consider showing Daniel being turned down for the promotion at work.
Consider showing him getting stressed at work. He's not coping.
Then coming home and ignoring Rachel's advances.
What if Andre arrives at work after a vacation all happy, and Daniel asks him what's going on and then Andre tells him about the swingers club etc? This could be the inciting incident.
Daniel then takes some brochures home and tries to convince Rachel about it?
What if he checks out some sites on the internet?
What if they argue about it first?
What if Daniel finally persuades Rachel and she agrees to it?
There needs to be more conflict injected into this to make it interesting.
These are just ideas for you to consider.
This reader believes everything is here, it's just not being executed in the best way at the moment.
When they arrive at the manor, consider having a chaperone there who instructs them on what they can and can't do. The rules of the game. What if this chaperone gets the newcomers to introduce themselves, create some tension? What if this makes Rachel think twice about it and maybe one of the other experienced swingers there convinces her to stay?
These are just ideas for you to consider.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This is certainly a lot more interesting than the previous section. Although, this reader questions how Julian found out where Rachel would be? This may be explained later, but the writer should consider setting this up better.
Otherwise, it comes across as too coincidental.
There is also a great opportunity to inject some conflict.
Rachel should be concerned when she first sees Julian, and should question him and his motives. She should be a little more suspicious of him.
Ask him how he found her etc. And he explains that it's just a lucky coincidence or maybe that she told him at the manor etc.
As mentioned in the notes, what if Julian finds a business card and cell phone number in Rachel's handbag while she is sleeping at the manor? And this is how he finds out where she is?
Pg 51 75
This reader would like to see Julian hassle Rachel more before she finally gives in to him. This reader would also like to see more scenes of them together where his temper and controlling side comes through.
He's a bit of a control freak.
Otherwise, it kind of comes out of the blue.
What if is is hinted at in a scene at the manor?
What if Julian goes to touch Jo or something and she flinches?
What if Jo has a bruise on her face and makes up some excuse to Rachel about it?
Also the story thread involving the investigation. This also seems to come out of the blue, ideally the writer needs to consider setting this up better at the start. Again, the opening section, the first twenty-five pages feel wasted due to the amount of dialogue.
The writer should consider setting some scenes at Daniel's work showing him getting stressed and also setting up this investigation better. Otherwise, it feels like it it's dropped in.
Pg 76 100
Lots of issues with this section.
The first one is the amount of dialogue.
Characters talk endlessly to each other, explaining everything.
A good example of an excessive amount of dialogue is the scene at the graveyard that starts on page 75. It's far too long. Pages and pages of dialogue, this amount of dialogue kills any momentum that a story has.
Secondly, is the scene at the fire station. This needs to happen in ACT 1. The writer needs to show the world Daniel inhabits in those opening pages. Show why he's stressed, show him not getting that promotion at work. Show him not coping. Otherwise, this comes out of the blue.
Show him investigating this case about the arsonist.
Thirdly, the story shifts to Julian's and Jo's relationship. The writer needs to consider what and who this story is about. Is it about a couple trying to solve their relationship issues or is it about a guy who works for the fire department who's trying to solve an investigation? If these two worlds are set up better in the 1st Act, then it is possible that it can work.
Pg 101 to the end
Same issues with this section.
Lots of explaining and dialogue
Consider bringing Olly into it more.
What Rachel knows him from work and is surprised when she first sees him at the manor? As it's written at the moment, he just kind of pops up randomly, consider developing their relationship more.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
At the moment, this really feels like it should be two stories.
One about an arsonist who works in the fire department.
And one about a couple trying to fix their relationship problems.
If the writer works harder at setting up both these worlds in the opening pages, then it could work.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The actual format is fine.
No glaring issues. A few spelling mistakes here and there and lacking punctuation.
Nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
One of the problems is not having one main character to focus on.
The story shifts from character to character and there doesn't appear to be any one character driving the story forward with their actions. A good example is when Andre calls Rachel and asks her about Daniel and she somehow puts two and two together. If this is the route the writer wishes to take, then they need to make Rachel far more proactive.
Is it her story or Daniel's?
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Although it is incredibly easy to read. The actual story is incredibly slow. This is mainly due to the amount of dialogue between characters. They talk endlessly. Good examples to use are the ones at the graveyard and right at the start when they are all having dinner.
Pages and pages of dialogue.
This amount of dialogue slows down the momentum of a story.
Not to mention, it's extremely boring to read, talking heads.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
The writer needs to figure out who the main character is and stay with them through the course of the story and tell it from their point of view.
Is it Daniel's story?
Is it Rachel's story?
Ideally, it should be told from the perspective of Rachel, what if she is the one that suggests they go to a swingers club? What if she grows suspicious of Daniel being away all the time?
She needs to be pushing the story forward?
If the story is told from Daniel's point of view, then his life needs to be set up a lot better in those opening twenty-five pages. As already mentioned, show him at work and not coping, show him bringing his problems home with him and that is why their relationship isn't working.
This would be far more interesting than watching a bunch of characters sitting round a dining table chatting about why their lives suck.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's just far too much in this version.
Where characters say exactly what's on their minds.
More work needs to be done in reducing the amount.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This reader couldn't see a theme as such.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The writer does well with the description and action lines.
Easy to read and understand.
The tone of the story does shift some what, especially when the story thread about the arsonist comes into play. More work needs to be done in keeping the tone more consistent.
Again, if this is set up earlier in ACT 1, this might work.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
At the moment, this story feels very muddled with no clear focus.
The writer needs to consider setting up the lives of the characters much better in that 1st ACT.
Is it about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues?
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
The writer needs to consider whether or not this is about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues. It is possible that it can work, but more work is needed in setting up Daniel's life and work environment at the start.
There's far too much dialogue where characters are just explaining everything to each other. And telling each other exactly what's on their mind.
Setting things up in ACT 1
Cutting down on the amount of dialogue and figuring out the structure, so that the story has momentum. Rather than having endless pages of dialogue.
OVERALL:
There's a lot in this first draft that the writer can use in the next version.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Format looks fine.
Pg 1
There's a character name without dialogue. ANDRE
Pg 6
Noticed a few spelling mistakes.
Stripper. It's...
Pg 8
DANIEL
Weve tried everything.
Counseling, books, self-help. We
even considered
When a character interrupts another, add two dashes -
If a character trails off or pauses for a second add
Pg 10
ANDRE
We were in the same boat as you,
taking each other for granted.
Everything was routine, we spent
plenty of time together but
things were always the same. And
it snapped.
At the moment, everyone is telling each other how they feel and what's going on in their lives. It's a lot of dialogue to get through. Consider getting this across another way. This conversation started back on page four.
What if Daniel is at work and overhears someone went to a swingers party? Decides to make some inquiries himself to find out what it's all about?
Maybe gets some brochures etc, takes them home, what if Rachel finds them? What if she disagrees and they argue about it?
Pg 11
KIM
We talked about it after a
session with a marriage
counselor. I said we shouldnt
rule out anything if we wanted to
save our marriage.
At this point, this reader doesn't know what part Kim and Andre are going to play in this story. But it might be worth considering, what if Daniel and Rachel are seeing a marriage counselor and they are the ones that maybe suggest that they need to spice up their love life and get out there?
Rather than have them all sitting around a table chatting.
Pg 12
That's quite a long conversation.
Pg 16
DANIEL
Look Im tired and Ive been
busting my balls all day and not
one person gives a shit.
There's a lot of dialogue in these pages where characters are basically telling each other what's been going on. Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this to the reader in a more interesting way.
There's a lot to work with here.
Let's take a look at the setup. Things need to be moving faster, rather than having them talking about everything, consider showing.
What if Daniel fails to get a promotion at work?
Consider showing Daniel having a bad day at work.
Consider showing Daniel arriving at home and Rachel trying to seduce him and he shrugs her off and he falls asleep.
Consider showing them having an argument in the morning.
Consider showing Daniel at work, and he meets Andre who's in a very good mood, and Daniel finds out from Andre about these swinger clubs. This could be the inciting incident. Then we get to see them at work and discussing swinger clubs. Kill two birds with one stone.
Daniel then goes home and tries to tell Rachel about it. At first they argue about and then she finally agrees to it etc.
These are ideas for you to think about. Rather than just having them sitting around talking about it. Actually show why they are having these problems and try and show either Daniel or Rachel trying to figure out how to solve these issues they have. Make them proactive.
Pg 19
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And hes been so
Instead of having characters telling each other everything, consider showing these situations. Consider having a scene showing Danny getting turned down for promotion. Consider showing Danny at work struggling to get through the day. Makes it far more interesting.
At the moment, there is a lot of dialogue where characters are telling each other everything.
Consider showing Danny and Rachel in bed at night. Rachel is up for a bit of action and Danny ignores her, he's just not interested. This causes her to be offended and she starts thinking that maybe it's her fault. This would create conflict on the page which is far better and more interesting than having characters tell each other about their lives.
Pg 22
A good opportunity to lighten the tone here.
Make this first meet between Rachel and Oliver more interesting.
What if Oliver spills his drink over Rachel?
What if she spills her drink over him?
Liven things up a little.
And then this Derek character tries to muscle his way in etc.
Pg 37
DANIEL
Rach, did you see how all those
guys were staring at you last
night? Everyone wanted you and I
was so jealous and I felt like an
idiot for not having appreciated
what I had more.
Consider showing moments like this.
Especially if they were to have a meeting before the swinging kicks in.
Pg 40
This is too coincidental, this reader isn't sure if this will be explained later. But if it isn't, this needs to be set up when they are in the bedroom.
What if Julian checks through her handbag while Rachel is asleep and finds a business card and cell phone number. And this is how he tracks her down.
What if he rings up her place of work, or maybe she tells him that she's got a house viewing on a road and he figure it out etc.
Pg 42
Consider cutting out all the meet and greet scenes, and just cut straight to the dinner, mid-conversation.
Pg 51
DANIEL (CONTD)
Dont even think about it, Danny,
you moron.
This reader suspects that Daniel has a thing for Jo. This needs to be set up, what if he and Rachel are still arguing and things haven't got back to normal yet?
Pg 58
KIM
I knew he was too perfect.
Don't really need the above dialogue.
Pg 60
This reader is a little unsure as to what investigation they are referring to here. Pretty certain this wasn't set up at the start, it suddenly comes out of the blue. The writer needs to consider setting up what's going on in Daniel's life at the start better. Consider having some early scenes of him at work not coping -, under pressure with this investigation, not getting the promotion etc.
Pg 84
This scene at the Graveyard is almost nine pages long. That's a very long scene where the characters are basically telling each other what's on their mind.
Pg 88
This is the first time we are seeing Daniel at the fire station. This is far too late. As already mentioned, instead of all that dialogue in those opening twenty-five pages. Show Daniel at work getting turned down for that promotion, getting stressed with this investigation etc.
Let the reader see the situation he is in.
Pg 91
Make it clearer that Julian is actually present.
Pg 96
Consider making this clearer. He's knocked over the head and in the next line he wakes up tied to a radiator. Consider having him wake up in another area of the house? What if he gets hit over the head in the kitchen and wakes up in a bedroom?
Pg 101
DANIEL
We dont know but there have been
a string of arsons going back the
last couple of years that seem to
point to him.
The writer needs to show Daniel working on this case in the 1st ACT. read -
A review of Goddessby Russ2007 on 05/12/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: The... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
The writer does well with the opening scene. Creating some intrigue.
The story moves along at a reasonable pace as we see Audrey grow up over the years and finally filling the shoes of her alter ego, Athena. The writer also sets up Audrey's goal, or at least one of them. To find her biological parents.
The format is great. No issues. Plenty of white on the page, coupled with the writing makes for an easy read, which a writer should always strive for.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
Why Athena? As mentioned in the notes, why the name, Athena? Consider setting this up. What if she has a name that relates to her powers?
Audrey's decision to find her parents, it would be nice to see something or someone inspire her to find her parents. What if she wants to be a normal kid with parents, wants to know why they gave her up, the reasons perhaps?
Another area of concern, is the lack of conflict.
Consider showing Audrey under house arrest, and that's why she escaped and went for a run.
What if she feels like a science project and just wants to be a normal kid?
It would be nice to see Audrey possibly not want all this attention and celebrity status to start with, but Meredith manages to persuade her into doing it. And later she starts to revel in it.
Consider showing Audrey coming to terms with her abilities, maybe show her training etc as the years pass. Ideally, this reader would like to see more conflict, and possibly seeing Audrey be a little more proactive in trying to find her parents.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
There are three areas that the writer might want to consider looking at.
Firstly, there doesn't seem to be enough conflict with what's going on with Audrey. The writer needs to consider injecting more conflict into the story. What if Audrey is getting fed up with this celebrity status that Meredith has forced on her? What if she wants out? And Meredith convinces her otherwise. Then she starts loving it. Getting greedy etc.
Secondly, Audrey doesn't seem to be pushing the story forward with her decisions and actions. She appears to be doing what everyone else wants her to do, which again, means little conflict. She needs to be more proactive, as an example, her search for her parents. This reader really isn't getting any sense of urgency in what she's doing. She definitely needs to be more proactive in this area. What if she gets close to finding them at certain times, and Meredith is there blocking her attempts?
Thirdly, Harmony's character, seemed to come out of the blue. This may come down to the setup, what if Harmony trained with Audrey as they grew up together? And this is how they know each other, what if Audrey confides in Harmony about her progress in how her search for her parents is going. And unknown to Audrey, Harmony is keeping Meredith updated?
Things to consider.
Pg 51 75
This is by far the best of the sections so far. Audrey is proactive and goes in search of Diana and finds her. She confronts Meredith about it, there's some conflict here. Ideally, Audrey needs to be more proactive and there definitely needs to be more conflict.
Pg 76 to the end
Although slightly confused as to whether or not Proagkelos was built by Newman or comes from space, this reads fast. The fight sequence does last for a number of pages. It might be worth considering, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana and Audrey has to save her.
Make it more personal.
This section and the section before are definitely better than the first two. This reader believes that Audrey needs to be more proactive at the start and a lot more conflict must be injected in that first half.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
An interesting premise.
Not sure if the logline is representative of what the actual story is about.
It's more about Audrey reconnecting with her mom and learning about her parents and past.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The format is very good. Which makes for an easy read.
A few spelling mistakes were spotted, but nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
An area that definitely needs work on, is making Audrey more proactive. This would definitely help with the structure. If she was actively seeking out her mom, and unknowingly being prevented from succeeding by Meredith would help.
Ideally, she should be driving the story forward, rather than the other characters around her.
The last battle sequence is a little long, even though it is easy to read.
Consider shortening that closing 3rd ACT. As already mentioned, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana, and Audrey has to save her from him? Make that fight scene more personal.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Again, just those closing twenty pages during that fight scene, try and break it up.
What if Proagkelos learns where Diana lives and forces Audrey to come and rescue her?
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
More conflict should be introduced between Audrey and Meredith.
What if she doesn't really want to become a celebrity, but Meredith convinces her that it's a good idea? She then grows into the role and becomes greedy, selfish, doesn't care about saving the world anymore. And as the story progresses, she becomes selfless and more caring.
As mentioned in the notes, this reader was a little confused as to where exactly Proagkelos comes from? Was he built on Earth or did he actually come from space? The writer might want to try and make this clearer on the page.
Something should happen to or inspire Audrey to suddenly want to find her parents and learn about them. Consider that scene when she's introduced, what if she saves someone, and then someone asks her about her family and this is what motivates her to seek out her mom.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
At times, characters have a habit of speaking their mind. Or when dialogue isn't needed.
As an example, when Meredith learns that Audrey has gone for a run on page six. Maybe just show a well guarded room that's empty and then have Meredith and the Assistant standing on the balcony staring at the streets below. Or when Meredith is threatening Akoye, use photographs instead.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
Internal = Greed Fame and fortune = Audrey must learn to be selfless and care for others.
External = Find her mom and defeat Proagkelos
After thinking about this.
What if Audrey is at first disgusted by all the fame and fortune and celebrity status, but then slowly starts to like it? This causes her to forget about her duties and she basically turns her back on saving the world from bad guys.
And when she finds her mom and has to fight against Proagkelos, she learns that there's more to life than just fame and fortune. She has to set aside her greed and selfishness and become selfless and caring etc.
At the moment, this reader doesn't believe the theme is quite there yet.
More work needs to be done.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The action lines read quickly. Apart from maybe those final twenty pages when the final fight happens. Consider finding a way to break up that fight scene.
What if Proagkelos goes to Diana's home?
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
Potential here. Needs work. Everyone likes a superhero.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Find some motivation for Audrey to find her parents. What inspires her?
2. Consider having Harmony and Audrey training together as they grow up.
3. Inject more conflict between Meredith and Audrey.
4. Audrey needs to be more proactive in finding and locating her mom. Her actions and choices should be driving the story forward as she tries to achieve her goals.
5. Try and make it clearer as to whether or not Proagkelos comes from space or not.
6. Shorten that final battle, what if Proagkelos learns about Diana?
OVERALL:
Well done. A clean read.
There's more work to be done.
Get plenty of notes for it.
Best of luck with it.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
Nice clean first page. Nos issues here with the format. Which is always a good start.
Nice opening. Might be worth considering adding a little more conflict.
What if Meredith is about to take the baby and it hasn't been named yet?
And Diana asks if she can at least give a name to the baby, and calls it Audrey as Meredith takes it.
Pg 6
Interesting opening with Audrey being chased by the police. Instead of having the assistant telling Meredith that Audrey is gone. Maybe just have them enter a very well guarded room and seeing a window open, leading down to a main road. Several floors below. How the hell did she get down there moment? A bit of intrigue. Considering the apartment might be several floors up? Then from a reader's and audience point o f view we can see why she would want to run away.
Pg 11
AUDREY
Ill have to find my parents.
Okay, this must her goal.
Consider showing something happening to her that inspires her to want to find her real parents. There's a good opportunity when she's being chased by the police. What if the car with the kid is about to have a crash and Audrey saves it and she sees how thankful the parents are and she also sees how they are with the kid that waved at her? How loving they are etc.
What if the kid asks her about her parents? And she can't answer this. Just ideas to consider.
This inspires her to want to find her parents. Some motivation.
Pg 15
This reader thinks it would be interesting if Meredith does offer to help Audrey try and locate her parents, only to lie to her and tell her that she's sorry and they couldn't find any info on them.
Pg 17
Why Athena? Why is that the name she chooses? How does it relate to the powers she has? Consider finding a name more appropriate or having a way to explain why she calls her alter ego this?
Audrey is also getting famous and using her powers to acquire some kind of celebrity status, which is nice. But what if she didn't want to and this was Meredith's idea?
What if Audrey doesn't want all this fame etc? Opportunity to create some conflict, but Meredith manages to convince her.
From this reader's perspective, a little more conflict will add to her personality and make the story more interesting.
Pg 22
Instead of her making indirect threats to Akoye, why not just have Meredith pull out a selection of photographs and give them to him. And then have her say, 'How's that secretary of yours doing?' or something along those lines.
Pg44
Audrey hasn't been in it since page 37. It's not a great deal of time, but enough to get noticed.
Pg 49
Consider making the God relevant to who she is. Research some Sun gods.
Pg 65
DIANA (CONTD)
Then this woman approaches me. Says
she can provide for you. Promises
me youll be safe.
Not sure about this explanation. What if Diana was part of the project? What if Meredith had paid Diana and then taken Audrey from here? Randomly approaching someone seems a bit odd. What if Meredith had offered her money etc? Some solid reasons for giving up Audrey.
Pg 78
Not sure about this scene, Audrey can't take him down, but the SWAT team can.
Pg 91
Newman pulls out the schematics for the drone. Does this mean they built Proagkelos? This is the second time, this reader has read this script, and is still unsure?
Pg 92
Why can't they use an EMP to take him out this time?
Pg 100
Project Olympus. Okay, so they did build it. This reader must've missed that the first time.
Pg 107
MEREDITH (CONTD)
There are some who now share his
concerns, with Proagkelos arrival
and your association with him.
Does that mean that they didn't build him?
This reader is slightly confused. read -
A review of Movingby Russ2007 on 05/11/2013OPENING THIRTY PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: The writer... OPENING THIRTY PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
The writer does well to introduce the main characters straight away.
It's well formatted and reads quickly.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The areas of concern for this reader are:
The amount of dialogue.
The number of telephone conversations.
All the characters pretty much tell each other what's on their mind.
Lots of exposition and explaining by everyone.
Lack of conflict and goals. Not all characters need goals to achieve, but it helps.
Lacking: Drama Goals - Conflict
Due to the amount of dialogue, not much is happening.
Especially when everyone is telling everyone what's on their mind.
As mentioned in the notes, there's no conflict.
Consider creating more conflict when Adam arrives at the house to pick up Paul, by having Paul and Debbie arguing and he manages to calm the situation down. And then later on that evening, Debbie's family comes around, and the arguing starts again, and they can't wait for them to leave. Much better to have conflict, than to have a bunch of characters sitting around the table getting along with each other.
Also, characters need to avoid topics and questions. Everyone is quite happy to explain how they're feeling and what's on their minds. It would be much better if characters held back and skirted around answering questions. They need to be a little more economical with the truth.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 31 60
The same issues are occurring in this section.
Far too much talking and not enough doing.
These two characters need to be far more proactive.
It's in this reader's opinion that a lot more conflict could be added if Paul and Adam really don't like each other. What if Adam blames Paul for the break up of his marriage to his mom and that's why he had a crappy childhood?
Also, the writer needs to throw in some obstacles as they travel home. At the moment, there's just pages of dialogue. What if:
Create some obstacles.
What if they get a flat tire?
Find a family stranded and have to help?
Get lost work together to get back to the main highway.
What if they get car jacked as they drive home and they have to work together to get the van back?
More needs to be happening in this than just phone calls and dialogue.
What if they come across a family that's broken down? What if Adam learns from the father in this family about being a dad and how he is with his kids etc?
Lots of possibilities here to add more obstacles and conflict.
Pg 61 90
Pretty much the same issues with this section, far too much dialogue and not much else happening.
As mentioned, the writer needs to throw in some obstacles that Paul and Adam need to overcome.
It will also be a lot better if they really hate each other at the start, and as the story unfolds, they must work together to overcome these obstacles to get home.
They learn about each other through actions, rather than constant dialogue.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
The premise has potential, but needs a lot of work.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The format is fine. Looks like the writer is using Celtx.
A few issues with spelling, but nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There's a very loose three act structure, this could certainly be improved by giving the main characters some small goals to achieve as they make their journey home.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pacing definitely suffers from the amount of dialogue, conversations and lack of achievable goals and conflict between characters. Many of the conversations contain a lot of explaining and exposition. Rather than have them explain to each other, let them learn about each other through action. Again, if Adam and Paul had some small goals to achieve as they journeyed home.
This would help cut out a large amount of dialogue.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
Consider having Dani and Adam have a fight at the start and she storms off just before he heads off to meet his father.
Paul and Adam need some goals to achieve as they journey home to help get rid of some of the dialogue.
Adam definitely needs some flaws to overcome.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
Major problem here, there's just far too much.
Phone calls, endless conversations where characters say to each other exactly what's on their mind.
Characters need to side-step these questions and avoid telling the truth.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
Again this comes down to giving Adam some flaws to overcome.
Both external and internal.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The writer does well in keeping the action blocks down.
The tone pretty much remains consistent all the way through.
But that's mainly due to the amount of conversations and dialogue.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
Needs work. As an indie piece or a writing sample.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Consider having Dani and Adam have a large fight before he sets off because she tells him that she's pregnant.
2. Debbie and her family should be looking forward to seeing the back of Paul when Adam arrives to collect him. Create some conflict.
3. Paul and Adam should really dislike each other. The only reason he's doing this is because he's his father.
4. The writer needs to introduce a series of obstacles as they head for home.
5. Paul and Adam need to put aside their differences and work together in order to overcome these obstacles.
6. Cut out as much dialogue and phone conversations as possible. Far too much.
OVERALL:
Needs plenty of work.
Figure out a way to make the journey home far more interesting.
Have Paul and Adam learn about each other through actions as they overcome these obstacles, rather than through endless conversations.
There's plenty in this draft that can taken into the next.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
Do some more reviews. Get some more notes for it.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
Looks like the writer's using Celtx.
Pg 2
Not a major problem, try to avoid having characters with similar sounding names.
Debbie and Dani. Also try and give female characters more feminine sounding names.
Pg 8
Is it early morning or late at night?
Pg 11
Having too many phone conversations can kill any momentum that a script has.
This phone conversation is extremely soon after the last one.
Pg 12
There was no point to that telephone conversation, as they tell each other nothing important.
Pg 14
There are two areas that need a lot of work. There's a lot of talking and not much else. There's no conflict or anything. What if his father had to move back in with them, and Dani was dead set against this happening? She and Steve don't get on at all. Consider creating some conflict between the characters.
There's also all the dialogue, the characters are basically telling each other everything that's going on with their lives. Which does make it quite tedious to read. Try having conversations where characters:
1. Side-step issues.
2. Answer questions with questions.
3. Skirt around subjects that come up in conversations.
4. They change the subject or just blatantly walk away because they don't want to answer.
5. Lie to each other to avoid the truth.
6. Hold off telling the truth for as long as possible.
Makes for a more interesting read. Especially from a reader's perspective, we know what's going on, but the poor old characters on the page don't. And, as readers, we get to see the fireworks when the truth eventually comes out.
Pg 16
This is a good example of scenes that aren't needed. Just have him arriving at the airport in the cab. Then emerging out of the Las Vegas airport.
There's another phone conversation. That's like three already.
Pg 26
Is Adam on the phone? The writer needs to make this clear for the reader.
Pg 27
ADAM
I told her not anytime soon. I
mean, I dont even know what I want
to do with my life yet. I dont
have a career. I have a job that I
can only stand some of the time.
But if I had a kid now I would be
stuck in that job. I would have to
give up my dreams for the future to
make sure I was taking care of the
both of you. Which I would gladly
do.
The above is an interesting bit of dialogue. This could be the way into this story. At the moment, there is just too much dialogue and everyone is telling each other exactly what's on their mind. Nothing is happening.
Adam needs some flaws that can be conveyed to the reader easily.
What if he is career mad, loves his job and always ends up putting work before himself and Dani? He's selfish and selfless at the same time. Dani wants a family and to have kids, but because of Adam and how he is at the moment, this isn't going to happen any time soon.
This is his INTERNAL goal. To become less selfless and to start putting himself first, and Dani's desire to have children first. This is how he changes through the course of the movie.
The EXTERNAL goal is to get his father back home without fighting with each other. So, ACT 2, could be a road trip where Adam and his dad learn about each other and learn from each other as they head home.
This reader hasn't read the rest, but that may be an avenue the writer might want to explore.
Pg 28
Also, it might be worth considering having all of Debbie's family arguing when Adam arrives, especially when they're at the dinner table. Create some conflict. Conflict is a lot more interesting than watching a bunch of characters enjoying each others company.
They can't wait to see the back of Paul.
Pg 40
This is a good opportunity to create some conflict.
What of Adam is dead set against at going into this strip club?
He feels like it's cheating on Dani?
Paul doesn't listen and drags him in anyway.
Pg 51
This journey home is in need of some action and some goals.
There's just too much dialogue and exposition.
All they're doing is telling each other what's on their mind.
Pg 59
This reader really believes that this story would be much better if Paul and Adam don't get along with each other at all. This section is definitely suffering from the same issues. Too much talking and not enough happening.
It would be much better if they both have to learn to accept each other for who they are as the story unfolds. It would also be a lot better in this reader's opinion if they face some obstacles on the way back home.
When the engine stops, this would be a good opportunity to slip in an obstacle.
What if their cell phones don't work?
What if they have to work together to fix the engine?
What if they go off to try and find a garage to get help?
At the moment, there's too much dialogue and not enough doing.
As the main characters, they need to be far more proactive.
The writer needs to give them some problems to solve.
Pg 63
This reader has been thinking about this Dani-Adam relationship?
What if they had an argument before he leaves to get Paul?
She storms off and heads for Marianne's.
Because of this wanting children issue that she has.
What if one of Adam's goals is to make it up to her and say sorry?
Admit that he's wrong about work?
And when he arrives back, he tells her that if she wants kids etc, he's up for it. And that they should have a family as soon as possible.
Pg 82
That's almost six pages of dialogue, that pretty much carries on from the conversation beforehand. Far too much dialogue and explaining.
Pg 84
ADAM
Dani might be pregnant.
Adam really needs to find out about this right at the start. What if they have an argument, and it's caused by Dani telling him this?
Pg 87
This reader doesn't believe that Dani would be very happy if Adam yanked out of her bed and got her to do the pregnancy test in front of him. Married or not. Probably better if he asked her over breakfast etc. read -
A review of WE ARE YOUNGby Russ2007 on 05/11/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: This... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
This reads incredibly fast. All the main characters seem to be introduced. However...
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
Twenty-five pages in and not much is happening. There's a lot of chit-chat and endless banter amongst the characters without a lot happening to any of them. This reader is on page 25 and finds that Aiden has only just met up with Sarah. This needs to happen sooner.
At the moment, this reader is still having trouble establishing who the main character is as nothing has happened to anyone to push them in a new direction. The writer needs to reconsider how they go about setting up the characters and the story.
Ideally, Sarah's life needs to be established as soon as possible.
What if she's an A Grade student, and wants to go to this party? Her parents have high expectations of her and she's under lots of pressure. Exams are coming up and she can't take it any more. So, she decides to blow off some steam, and agrees to go to this party with Veronica that is being hosted by this Peter character. Parents find out and forbid it.
What if she has an argument with her parents about it and they forbid her from going? Create some conflict in those opening pages. Then have her meet up with Veronica at this party later in the evening. She sneaks out of the house.
Then consider introducing Aiden and Jon arriving at the party as soon as possible.
Avoid this SUPER: ONE DAY EARLIER. It adds nothing to the story and slows down the momentum, keep everything linear.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
The issues that are prevalent in the first section are still in this section. There's no real story to invest in here. Nothing that is promised in the synopsis is happening. Ideally, this relationship between Aiden and Sarah should've happened and at this point, he should've learned about her being pregnant at the midpoint and gotten all excited about it. But this reader will get to that later.
Not much has happened, as stated in the notes, Aiden, Jon, Veronica and Sarah all went to this party. On leaving the party, Sarah drops her cell phone and Aiden finds it. There's a lot of discussion about this cell phone and that's it. Nothing is happening in these pages.
The writer needs to work harder to keep the reader invested in the story.
Pg 51 75
The same issues are with this section. It's not until page 71 that Aiden and Sarah finally meet up to go on this first date. This should happen far earlier in the story, as the story revolves around them. Up until this point nothing has happened. There are scenes involving Sarah's lost cell phone, scenes about whether or not they should call each other etc. None of this is important to the story.
Pg 76 to the end
In order for this to work as a story, this needs to be reworked. The Jon Sarah relationship needs to occur a lot earlier. Around the start of Act 2 ideally. The structure of the story needs a complete overhaul. Things need to happen a lot sooner.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
It has potential, but at the moment it's not working mainly due to everything happening far too late.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
It reads quickly due to it being formatted correctly.
Plenty of white on the page.
There's an issue with the use of apostrophes. But that can easily be remedied.
Go here: http://garyes.stormloader.com/its.html
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There's no definable structure at the moment due to the story lacking any depth or focus. Everything happens far too late, as an example, just look at when Aiden and Sarah finally hook up. It happens on page 71, that's far too late. Nothing really happens up until this point.
Giving the characters some goals to achieve will help with the structure.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pacing is incredibly slow, mainly due to not much happening. There's an abundance of dialogue between characters that really isn't driving the story forward in any clear direction. It takes far too long for Aiden and Sarah to hook up. The scenes with Sarah losing her cell phone and then having them ponder for so long as to whether they should call each other and hook up are wasted pages that don't add anything to the story the writer is trying to convey.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
They need lots of work.
Aiden comes off as a good looking guy, but has trouble getting hooked up for some reason. Consider making him less good looking and not very confident.
Make Jon the complete opposite, he's good looking, always getting the girls etc. This causes conflict between Aiden and Jon. Jon is always trying to get Aiden to act like him etc.
More conflict is needed.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's an abundance of dialogue that isn't driving the story forward in any way. Characters telling each other exactly how they feel etc. Pages and pages of dialogue.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
Aiden, ideally needs a couple of flaws to overcome.
What if he's not very confident? Internal goal to overcome.
After meeting Sarah, he tries to win her over and get her to go out with him. External goal.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
Even though there's not a lot of description on the page, the writer has a habit of over describing what the characters are wearing. Most of the time, this isn't really needed, unless it is relevant to the story.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
As a low budget indie, about young love. Has potential, but it needs a lot of work in all areas to bring it up to a good level.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
The first thing to consider is restructuring and adding more depth and focus to the story.
Set up the lives of the characters a lot sooner.
What's Sarah's life like? Has she just come out of a relationship, she's not very trusting. This is an obstacle that Aiden has to overcome. He has to win her trust.
What if Sarah's an A Grade student and decides to go to this party to let off some steam and her parents forbid it? She sneaks out at night and meets up with Veronica.
While at the party, they meet up with Aiden and Jon.
Create more conflict.
Jon is jealous of Aiden.
Veronica tries to stop Sarah from seeing Aiden because she thinks that he's a loser.
Adding conflict will help make the story more interesting.
Also make Aiden work harder to win over Sarah's affection. Gain her trust.
Inciting Incident Sarah and Aiden meet up at the party, Sarah leaves her cell phone behind.
Act 2 turning point - Aiden gets in contact with Sarah. Sarah and Aiden start dating. Getting to know each other. Jon is jealous of Aiden because he tried asking Sarah out and she brushed him off. So he sets a goal of trying to win her over behind Aiden's back. Until she finally gives in. And they start seeing each other behind Aiden's back.
Midpoint Aiden meets up with Sarah, discovers she's pregnant and gets all excited. What if he starts planning a wedding, buying gifts etc.
Act 3 turning point Sarah feels guilty and finally owns up. Aiden discovers who the father is. Gets mad, and gives Sarah an ultimatum. 'Do you love me or him? What's it to be?'
Climax & Resolution Sarah breaks off all contact with Jon.
Not saying the above is correct. But hopefully will give you pause for thought. But things need to happen a lot sooner in this. In its current form, it's just too slow. Also consider keeping the story happening in a short space of time, rather than spreading it out over years. This reader gets the impression that this story is personal to the writer. Don't be afraid of getting a little more creative.
Read more scripts and do more reviews.
OVERALL:
There's potential here, but a lot of work is needed to make the story work on all levels.
Lacking focus and momentum. A lot of dialogue.
Well done in writing it. It's not easy.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
This reader's spelling, grammar and punctuation isn't great, but they're pretty certain that there is no apostrophe in sits or walks.
Pg 2
This reader hates apostrophes. Real pain in the...
But the writer may want to Google how they're used.
Pg 9
Is this the same BOY that Sarah spoke to from the night before? If it is, consider giving him a name straight away, saves confusion. If he only has a minor roll, few scenes with dialogue, give him a description. TALL BOY. SHORT BOY. DRUNK BOY etc.
This reader can see what the writer is going for in these opening ten pages. But they're just filled with dialogue and not much else is happening.
This reader is guessing something happened during the night.
To add some conflict here, what if Sarah and Veronica have an argument about drinking and Veronica ends up spiking Sarah's drink. Getting her drunk?
Also, it would probably be worth considering showing her drunk and being a little more flirty with the boys at this party in a quick scene, before the morning.
Also consider setting up Sarah's life.
What if she's an A GRADE student etc? Show her with goals that she wants to achieve. That get derailed when she finds out that she's pregnant.
Pg 11
This would have been better if it had happened earlier. An opportunity in inject some conflict. What if the parents forbid Sarah from going to this party, but Veronica talks her into going. And we see Sarah sneak out of her bedroom window at night, meet up with Veronica and they head off to this party.
Pg 20
Jon, wearing a hooded sweatshirt and jeans, leans up against the theater wall alone. Aiden sneaks up behind Jon and scares him.
If Jon is leaning against the wall, how does Aiden sneak up behind him? What if he's pacing in front of the entrance?
Pg 25
This reader can see what the writer is doing, but this story is taking a very long time to get going. On the plus side, apart from the apostrophe issue, it reads fast. It looks like the writer is using a software program.
Pg 30
bit of smoke from the tires behind.
Trail of smoke.
Pg 33
When a character isn't in the scene, use (V.O.).
Pg 38
Apart from them going to this party, not a lot is happening. A lot of time is being spent on this cell phone that Sarah dropped. Is it important to the story? Probably not.
This story is in need of more momentum, depth and focus. At the moment, nothing is happening. Even though it's reading fast, nothing is happening, nothing major has happened to any of the characters.
What's the story? It can't just be about a girl losing her cell phone. There must be more to it than this.
Whose story is this?
The decisions and actions of the main characters should be driving the story forward.
Pg 48
Indicate to the reader when a character enters a new scene.
EXT. COFFEE HOUSE DAY
Pg 49
She laughs and looks into his eyes, mesmerized.
This is too easy. They've only just met.
Pg 56
Are they in the living room or kitchen?
Pg 59
BLACK SCREEN
SUPER: THE NEXT DAY
Don't need the above. It's not needed.
Pg 67
One of the main issues with this version is that everything is taking so long to happen. 67 pages in and they still haven't started seeing each other. This is far too late.
Ideally, this should be happening at the start of ACT 2. They then get to know each other etc.
There's also no conflict anywhere, no obstacles or drama.
The writer needs to consider making Aiden's character a little less attractive, more nerdy, shy etc.
If he's cute and good looking, then why is having such a hard time getting hooked up with girls?
Consider making Jon the womanizer of the two. Add some conflict, what if Jon has a secret crush on Sarah, and doesn't want Aiden to get to know her? Maybe he tries to get to know her as well. What if he's jealous, maybe he tried asking Sarah out and she brushed him off for whatever reason? Jon has a bad reputation etc. Maybe he eventually wins Sarah over and they start seeing each other behind Aiden's back.
The writer needs to add more depth and get a little more creative with the story. Losing cell phones and pondering whether or not you should hook up does not make for an interesting or entertaining story.
What if Sarah has just come out of a bad relationship and has trust issues that she has to overcome? Create some obstacles.
Pg 71
Aiden and Sarah finally meet up to go on this date. That's far too late, this needs to happen a lot earlier.
Imagine you are a reader or watching this on the big screen or on TV, you've been waiting for this story to start about these two characters falling in love etc.
And you've been sitting there, slowly getting bored, wondering when things are going to kick into gear. Imagine watching Die Hard (1988) waiting for Hans Gruber to turn up, and he finally shows up twenty minutes before the end. Not very exciting.
This story is lacking momentum.
Pg 80
Another chance to inject some conflict and possibly some humor is at the restaurant. What if Aiden discovers he's forgotten his wallet and can't pay and gets all embarrassed about it? What if they run out of the restaurant without paying? Add some excitement.
Pg 85
Not sure that Sarah would actually slide down the lane with the actual ball stuck to her fingers.
Pg 90
The story just jumped two years ahead.
What have the characters been doing in this time?
Learning that she's pregnant would be a great mid-point for the story, especially if Sarah isn't honest about who the father is. Aiden would get all excited and possibly start planning a wedding etc.
This should happen much earlier. Also setting up Sarah's relationship with Jon earlier will help.
That way, the audience knows what's going on, but Aiden doesn't. read -
A review of Tontineby Russ2007 on 05/09/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: It's... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
It's an interesting setup with the Germans in the opening scene.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
At the moment, the writer may want to reconsider the structure of these opening pages. The story is taking quite a while to gain any kind of momentum and this reader is finding it difficult to pinpoint who the main characters are as nothing has really happened to Charlie or Ronny yet to push them out of their normal existence.
This reader has just reached page 25 where Charlie starts telling the story of how he got the coin to the class. It may be worth considering opening the story up with this scene instead of the Germans and then jumping forward to 1989 and seeing Ronny get left home with Charlie as an old man and then have Charlie get this key from Lucky. And then cutting to Masterson etc.
The scene with Ronny and his parents doesn't seem all that relevant, especially if they aren't going to be in the story all that much and neither does the scene at school. The writer needs to inject some momentum into this, and the only way of doing this will be by cutting out scenes that have no real relevance to the overall story.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
The main issue this reader is finding in the story is that it's just not moving along fast enough. There's no momentum to what's happening with Charlie and Ronny. Let's take a look at this section.
Every time there's a flashback, it's taking away from the story happening in 1989, which should be about Charlie and Ronny outwitting Masterson and his goons as he tries to retrieve this key.
But nothing is happening.
A good example is when Masterson walks into Charlie's store and tells him outright that he wants the key and that Charlie must give it to him. Why doesn't Masterson take it from him there and then or force Charlie to get it for him?
It would be much better if Charlie and Ronny figure out that Masterson wants the key and decide to go on the run with it and then discover why Masterson wants it so badly. They need to become far more proactive, their actions, decisions, and choices that they make should be driving the story forward. At the moment, nothing is happening.
This reader has just reached page 50, and this is a prime example of where the story isn't going anywhere. This reader has just jumped ahead and discovered that this flashback goes on for 11 pages. That's far too long.
The writer needs to decide whether they are telling a story set in 1989 or during World War 2. Ideally, since the story is about Charlie and Ronny, it should be happening in 1989.
Pg 51 75
This reader has the same issues with this section of the story. As mentioned already, it starts with several pages of the flashback that ends on page 57. Then two pages later, there's a montage and another flashback. All these flashbacks slow down the read and momentum of the story.
There's also an abundance of dialogue and explanation by the characters. Far too much exposition.
This is an action/adventure movie, but there has been nothing along those lines. Not once has Ronny or Charlie seemed in any way threatened by Masterson. Neither have their decisions and actions been pushing this story forward.
Ronny and Charlie also don't seem all that threatened by Masterson at any time. Neither does he seem all that interested in getting the key back from Charlie, and it seems unlikely that he'd voluntarily walk into a police station of his own accord.
Masterson as the antagonist needs to be more proactive.
Charlie and Ronny need to be more proactive.
There needs to be more conflict, drama and obstacles.
Pg 76 100
The same issues are prevalent in this section.
Charlie and Ronny are extremely passive and reactive characters. They are basically going along for the ride. It's the characters around them that are driving this story forward, when it should be the other way around.
Again, there are more flashbacks which slow down a story that really has no momentum due to the nature of Charlie and Ronny. There's a flashback that involves Charlie going to see this Adelena character on page 81 that lasts for 3 pages, then another flashback, followed by them arriving at her house.
What does this have to do with the main story?
How is this driving the story forward?
Also, why would Charlie send the key to Adelene?
And once Masterson retrieves the key, why would he continue taking Charlie and Ronny with him? When he clearly doesn't need them any more.
The writer needs to consider giving Charlie a piece of information or skill that Masterson needs from him. Maybe there's a lock with a code, and Charlie is the only one that knows it. What if there are booby traps that Masterson has to navigate through and without the codes and Charlie's expertise there's no way for him to enter without Charlie's help?
Pg 101 to the end
Same problems with this section.
Ideally, it should be Charlie and Ronny who figure things out.
What if Balter gives Charlie the lighter and tells him about the blueprints? Charlie then has to figure a way to get into the control room to get the blueprints. He then needs to get Ronny into the vent etc.
They need to be working together to defeat Fritz.
Charlie can't disappear for ten pages right at the end as he's one of the main characters.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
It's an interesting concept, but feels very familiar, especially with the Nazis.
It's workable, but the execution needs work.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The format isn't that bad. No glaring issues.
A few problems where the writer uses it's, where, and then wrongly. And the use of italics and bold, but nothing major.
Sort out the title page.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There's a very loose three act structure. This is mainly due to Ronny and Charlie not being proactive enough. If they were pushing the story forward with their decisions and had a set of attainable goals, then there would be a more solid structure.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
As mentioned in the notes, the story takes ages to get going. Masterson doesn't show up until page 37 which is far too late. There are a lot of scenes in those opening twenty-five that could quite easily be cut to move the story along quicker.
There are far too many flashbacks that take away from the main story. Ideally, the writer needs to concentrate the story on Charlie and Ronny and not what went on in World War Two with Charlie.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
Charlie and Ronny just aren't proactive at all. They should be pushing the story forward, unfortunately, they are very passive and reactive to what's going on around them. As an example, the end when Charlie gets knocked out.
Charlie and Ronny should be the ones working things out and finding a way to defeat Fritz. Balter should tell Charlie about the blueprints and vent, and then Charlie and Ronny should come up with a plan etc. The writer needs to work on making them more proactive.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's a lot of dialogue and explanation. Especially in those flashbacks.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This reader couldn't really see a theme. It may well be about Ronny and Charlie connecting with each other through the course of the story as they learn to work together. But that was impossible to establish due to them being so passive and reactive.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The writer actually does well with the action and description. They do well in conveying what's going on and how scenes are being played out.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
There is an audience for this. But the material is very familiar and at times a little clichι especially with the whole Nazi angle which is pretty standard for these types of movies.
The writer might want to consider finding different antagonists as a way to differentiate it from similar movies.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Charlie and Ronny need to be more proactive. At the moment, it's the other characters that are pushing the story forward.
2. Far too many flashbacks take away from the main story. Cut them out.
3. Get into the story quicker, things take far too long to get going.
4. Look at reworking those opening pages.
5. Start with Charlie in World War Two discovering the gold coin. Then cut to 1989. Then have him receive the key from Lucky.
6. Get the page count down to 105-110 pages.
If you can get a hold of the screenplays for the following:
The Goonies (1985)
National Treasure (2004)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Read through them and then watch the movies. Look at when things happen in the scripts and in the movies and compare them to your own script. Watch how and when things happen to the main characters, and then see how their decisions and choices push the story forward.
OVERALL:
Cut out the flashbacks and create more momentum.
Lots to work with in this draft. Get plenty of notes.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
First thing the writer needs to do is fix the title page. If someone happens to download your script and they happen to like it, how can they contact you. This needs to be tidied up.
Pg 1
Might want to make sure when characters are speaking German that there are English subtitles.
EICHMANN
(in German, English subs)
Careful, you idiot, that is a Monet you
have in your grubby little hands!
Pg 2
When a new character is introduced, use UPPERCASE.
ADOLPHUS FRITZ WEINSHENK, runs over,...
Pg 4
Jamie Profeta, consider giving her a more feminine name. Saves confusion for the reader.
Pg 9
its base a (its) or (it is)
Pg 16
Make sure characters are introduced in a scene before they start talking. BRYAN, RONY etc...
Pg 17
Just to make sure there is no confusion. When there's a jump back in time, consider calling Charlie, SERGEANT CHARLIE in the dialogue.
Pg 19
LUCKY (O.S.)
(Coughing)
Charlie's attention is drawn to someone coughing.
Pg 21
Okay, so Lucky has this key and gives it to Charlie to look after.
Pg 22
Before characters start talking, they need to be introduced first. Let the reader know who's in the scene. Is Mr. Dison one of the firemen? Is he important to the story? Does he need a name?
Pg 27
Is it Roscoe or Rosco?
Pg 32
Instead of TRANSITION TO: use
INT. MS. RUSSELS CLASSROOM Day BACK TO PRESENT
Pg 38
This is happening far too late. Already 38 pages in.
Masterson should have contacted Charlie or Charlie should have worked out that Masterson wants the key quite some time ago.
It probably would've been better if Charlie had received the key in the post from Lucky. Then gone around to see Lucky only to discover that he's gone.
That way, Charlie and Ronny would only of needed to go around to Lucky's apartment once.
Pg 46
FLASHBACK PART TWO:
Put the flashback in the scene heading.
EXT. RAILYARD DAY - FLASHBACK
SUPER: AACHEN. GERMANY. 1944.
Pg 59
The story has just come out of a very long flashback and now it has gone into a Montage and straight into another flashback. As already mentioned, these flashbacks slow down the momentum of the story.
This story is about Charlie and Ronny and not about what happened in the past.
Pg 64
It's Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Pg 65
CLERK
Theyre acting pretty suspicious. Maybe I
should call the cops.
Probably better to have him pick up a telephone, ponder for a few seconds and put the phone down. Rather than have him say it. And referencing Raiders of the Lost Ark is not a good idea.
Pg 68
See, Your (you're)
Pg 73
This reader finds it hard to believe that Masterson would walk into a police station.
Pg 77
Prior to 1945 we where (were)
Pg 107
Main issue with is, Charlie and Ronny should be doing all this. They should be figuring things out.
What if they were both locked in the control room and Charlie finds blueprint. And they then figure out what to do.
Pg 111
That's a long time for one of the main characters to be out of the story. Charlie and Ronny should be figuring things out with their choices. At the moment, it's all the other characters that driving the story forward.
Pg 115
That's actually a good scene with Masterson saving Charlie and Ronny. However, Ronny and Charlie need to be more proactive. read -
A review of The Torchby Russ2007 on 05/09/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: A good... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
A good intro scene with Ferris and Ethan.
It's well written, no glaring issues with format.
Plenty of white on the page.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
One concern within these opening pages is the amount of screen time that the adults have. Compared to the time the kids have. Ideally, this reader would prefer to see more time dedicated to Alex, Whitney etc. As it's their story.
The other concern is how Whitney and Alex first meet and then the subsequent meeting they have at the party and Alex recognizing Whitney because of the ring. As mentioned briefly in the notes, this reader feels that things should be a lot harder.
More conflict is needed. As already mentioned in the notes, when Alex goes to speak to Whitney at school. She smiles and blushes as she walks away. The writer should consider making it harder for Alex to break the ice with Whitney. She should brush him off the first time and make him work harder. At the moment, it seems a little too easy. What if he embarrassed her in some way or argue?
The only other issue, is the powers that these kids have. They seem really familiar.
As for format, not glaring issues.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
This reader would prefer to see Alex come to terms with this new power before he goes off trying to rescue Ferris. He accepts this power rather easily. It would also be nice to see him trying to train with it and figure out what he can and can't do with it. And after he's figured out what he's capable of, then go and attempt to save Ferris.
This would also be a good opportunity to bring some added conflict into the story.
What if Whitney now tries to get to know Alex at school, only to find that he brushes her off while he comes to terms with his new power? And she doesn't understand why. One minute he was trying to get to know her, and now he's ignoring her as he learns about his new power.
This would be a good lead into the prison scene when they both meet each other. And she discovers why he's been ignoring her etc.
This reader thinks the writer could be a little more creative in the way Alex gets into the prison to save Ferris. Having him walk into a liquor store, start a fire and then wait for the police to show up, isn't very exciting or very proactive.
What if Alex actually goes to the prison and breaks in to save Ferris?
Also consider getting Whitney to the prison sooner, at the moment, this reader isn't seeing them as being all that proactive as characters. This may be due to the story revolving around the parents more, when it should be the other way around.
There's plenty to work with here. This reader just feels the writer needs to be a little bit more creative with the story.
Pg 51 75
There's a good opportunity to increase the conflict between Alex, Whitney and the parents.
Whitney mentions to Alex that her father can't find out about them. This really feels like a very underdeveloped side of the story that isn't being utilized to its full potential. This storyline feels like it would work much better if the parents discovered a lot sooner that Whitney and Alex are seeing each other and forbid them both from having any kind of friendship or relationship This would increase the obstacles that they have to face in seeing each other, pretending they aren't seeing each other when they are. Sneaking around under their parents noses.
As this story is mainly about these two characters, this is an area that feels like it needs more work.
There is also an opportunity when Preston and Roman are at the facility when Ferris attacks. This is an area that the writer might want to consider developing, what if Roman is successfully tested on and acquires an ability? This is only an idea, especially if he has a thing for Whitney and is jealous of Alex etc.
As already mentioned, this conversation between Alex and Ethan should happen a lot sooner. Would bring added conflict and obstacles to their developing relationship.
There's a lot of potential in these pages to add more conflict.
Pg 76 to the end
The ending doesn't sit right. Especially the part with Roman. This really feels like to should be set up a lot sooner. As already mentioned, what if Roman was jealous of Alex's and Whitney's relationship, so he decides to be injected with serum to try and impress her?
What if Whitney and Roman were going out and then Alex turns up and steals her away from him?
Lots of possibilities.
This reader also feels that the ending should end on a happier note.
Guy gets girl, girl gets guy scenario.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
Definitely has potential, but this reader doesn't feel that the execution is fully being realized in this version.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
No major issues. Although the use of DAY or NIGHT could be used more.
A few spelling errors here and there, but nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There's a three act structure present. Something happens to the main characters to push them in a different direction. Which makes it easy to follow.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Situations move along quickly and it reads quickly.
Certainly isn't hard to get through in one sitting.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
This reader would like to see the story focus more on Alex and Whitney, rather than the parents. The story is about them and how they must navigate a relationship even though they're from opposing sides. And against the wishes of their parents.
It would be nice to see a more proactive Alex as well. Maybe if Alex has more of a struggle dealing with who he is and who his father is and what he represents. Some more internal conflict as to who he is, he's struggling with his identity. And then Whitney turns up, she helps Alex find and discover himself etc. Especially after he gets his powers.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There are a few moments of exposition for the benefit of the audience. But nothing major. Pretty standard for this type of story.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This reader is still trying to establish if there is a theme present.
As already mentioned, what if Alex is struggling with what his father represents and who he is? What if he doesn't want to be a bad guy? Identity issues.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
Action lines are nice and short. And to the point. Makes for a fast read.
Tone remains pretty constant. Sometimes this reader wasn't sure who the intended target audience is due to the level of violence and blood. As an example, on page 69, the slashing of throats by Finn. The writer needs to consider the age range they are aiming for.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
Lots of potential here, there's always a market for superhero movies.
The writer just needs to work out the age of the intended audience.
This reader still feels more work is needed in the story and character development side.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Making Alex more proactive. An example, when he is trying to break Ferris out of prison. More creativity is needed.
2. Alex needs to work harder to win over Whitney. What if they really hate each other in school? What if they argue the first time they meet? What if he embarrasses her some how when they first meet and has to win her over? Things need to be a little harder.
3. The parents should be aware of this relationship building between Alex and Whitney as soon as possible and forbid them from seeing each other. Create obstacles and add more conflict. That way, they have to keep this relationship under the radar as they sneak around their parents.
4. Consider having Whitney going out with Roman, but when Whitney discovers who Alex is, she breaks up with Roman. And in order to win Whitney back, Roman injects himself. And gains some kind of power. And tries to impress her that way.
5. Consider ending the story on a happier note.
OVERALL:
Lots of potential here for a good super hero movie.
This reader doesn't believe the story and characters have reached their full potential yet and that there is still work to be done. Get plenty of notes for it.
Best of luck with it and future projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 4
FERRIS
Communicating with machines is just
one of the many abilities my serum
can produce.
Not keen on the above line, exposition for the benefit of the audience.
Pg 10
ETHAN
Oh, yeah. That's today. When you
get (to) my age the days all roll
together, just so you know.
Pretty clean read so far. No glaring issues with anything.
Whitney's serves Ethan...
Whitney serves...
Pg 13
Ferris sit at what looks... sits
Pg 14
ALEX
No. Im just saying that when I
agreed to help I thought it was
about justice(.)
Pg 17 18
Not overly keen on how Alex and Whitney meet. This reader would like to see Alex earn that smile from Whitney. Otherwise, it just seems a little too easy.
Pg 27
WHITNEY
Im really (sorry) I screwed up.
Pg 33
It may come later, but this reader would like to see Alex come to terms with this new ability and learn how to use it.
Pg 35
This reader's been thinking about this Roman-Alex relationship. What if Roman has a thing for Whitney?
What if Whitney is actually going out with Roman?
This would create some added conflict into the story.
Pg 55
WHITNEY
I'm serious. My dad cant find
out. Hes really overprotective.
This might play a lot better if this was set up a lot earlier. Ideally, if they found out who they were earlier and tried seeing each other, knowing who their parents were. Only to be forbidden by their parents not to see each other.
They then go against their parents' wishes and see each other. An opportunity to create more conflict.
Pg 78
refashions it's core its
Pg 92
vacant look into her in
frezzes freezes
Pg 94
WHITNEY
So you know this entire time! Knew
Pg 101
The death of Ethan might play better if things were set up better at the start. What if Ethan failed to save someone at the start of the story? So in making the decision to save Ferris, he managed to save them all at the end by sacrificing himself.
Pg 102
This ending feels slightly long winded now. First they capture the Virus. Then Whitney breaks him out. Then Ethan and Alex come along and Ethan is killed. Now Roman is going to inject himself.
As mentioned already, this reader thinks this would work better if this happened a lot sooner, otherwise this feels tact on. read -
A review of Theory Of Everythingby Russ2007 on 05/08/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: This... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
This reader is finding the story interesting with an interesting set of characters. The writing style is clean and easy to get through. It's not easy spinning a tale, it certainly not easy when a writer is trying to interweave story lines, especially when they occur at different points in time.
The writer certainly has an imagination which is always useful when trying to create any story, especially one with three story lines.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
This reader's only concern with these opening pages are the time jumps. That's not to say it's overly complicated, but it does make it slightly difficult to follow one main character. The story seems to be concentrating on Boltzman's character more than the others. And this reader gets the impression that perhaps it's Boltzman's story the writer is trying to convey to the reader.
As is evident on page 23 when Boltzman appears on the beach in the future. Even though his actions and the actions of the motel clerk don't ring true.
In regard to format, no major issues.
Although the writer may want to make absolutely sure that the reader is aware of when the story is taking place, with the use of SUPERs.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
It's certainly interesting as far as watching these characters goes. But the main issue this reader is finding is the lack of one main character to follow. Ideally, it should be Boltzman, but he doesn't seem to be driving the story forward in any way. And as soon the story starts revolving around him, the story jumps to another time frame.
This invariably slows down the momentum of the story that the writer is trying to convey. It's certainly ambitious on the writer's part to try and tell three stories from varying time lines. However, this reader isn't sure if it's actually working in this version.
As mentioned in the notes, this reader feels that Boltzman could be a little bit more proactive, things just seem to happen around him and everyone is telling him where to go and what to do. A prime example is when he finds himself in the future.
An old guy just happens to know of the Cerns Institute, the motel clerk doesn't think it's a little odd that some naked guy walks in off the street.
This is in the future, things would have changed for Boltzman. This reader wants to see some obstacles and conflict thrown at Boltzman, otherwise it's a little too easy. A prime example, this Scientist just happens to be working in the derelict institute, and instead of Boltzman having to figure things out, the Scientist tells him where to go.
Boltzman needs to be more proactive.
Pg 51 75
Having reached page 75, this reader is finding the story lacking focus. As soon as any momentum gets going with Boltzman, this reader finds the story is jumping all over the place. This reader has also just realized that it's been a while since we saw Boltzman in the future.
Think it was back on page 49 we last saw him. That's quite a while ago. This is an area of concern for this reader, that the writer may want to consider thinking about.
Stories need an active protagonist to drive a story forward. As soon as any momentum starts in this story and the reader starts getting invested, they get another time jump.
Which slows down the pace of the story.
It looks like all these time jumps are leading to the eventual launch of this Genesis Space Shuttle, but they are extremely confusing and frustrating, as already mentioned, as soon as the reader starts following Boltzman, the time line jumps.
Pg 76 100
This reader was actually enjoying this story until around the page 49 mark when Boltzman was in the future. His story seemed to be heading in a clear direction, in that he had a goal to achieve. But that storyline seemed to get lost in the muddle of all the time jumps taking place.
As mentioned in the notes, Boltzman reappears at the New Cern Institute on page 93. That's a long time to be away from his character in the future. Not to mention, how did he find it? What's been going on in this part of the story? There needs to be something here for a reader to invest in.
This reader has estimated that there are 25 + jumps in the time line. Where the story shifts back and forth, this makes it incredibly difficult to invest in any one character and follow them on a journey. As soon as the reader starts getting invested in a character, the story shifts in time. It's definitely an ambitious story to want to tell. But the writer might want to consider reeling it in and telling the story from two sets of characters in two time lines.
Possibly one set of characters set in the future and possibly one set of characters set before the launch of the shuttle.
Try and concentrate on telling the story from two perspectives, rather than overstretching with so many characters, with no real investment in any one character. And so many jumps back and forth in the time line.
Pg 101 to the end
The storyline involving Galileo feels like it should be a completely different movie. This reader can see what the writer is aiming for, but this reader feels that it's just a little bit too much and doesn't really bring anything to the story.
As already mentioned, the story feels like it would be better served if the writer concentrated on one aspect leading up to the shuttle launch and one aspect after the shuttle launch.
It's certainly an ambitious story to try and tell.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
The concept definitely has potential.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
No major glaring issues with format.
The only thing the writer needs to make sure of, whenever the time line changes. Make sure that the reader is aware of where the story is taking place. With so many time jumps, the reader can quite easily get lost.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
A bit of a gray area here. With so many characters to concentrate on in different time lines, it was difficult to invest in any one. Boltzman always felt like a character who was following everyone else and their decisions, rather than pushing the story forward with his choices.
This reader couldn't honestly see or determine any real structure as there were three stories to follow in different time lines. Confusion definitely happened when Boltzman appeared in the future. The reader assumed that Boltzman had somehow made it into the future only to find that it was actually his grandson, which was sort of disappointing.
If the writer considers concentrating on one character, they might be able to bring some more solid structure to this story.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pace of the story did suffer somewhat due to all the time jumps. As soon as this reader began to settle on a character, the story shifted to another time. Often, there was a lot of dialogue that slowed down the pace of the piece. And at 125 pages, the writer can't afford to do this.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
This writer feels the story would benefit if the writer concentrated on telling the story from two perspectives, rather than trying to tell it through the eyes of characters in three different time lines.
As already mentioned, the story of Galileo seems like it should be its own movie. And doesn't seem a good fit in the story.
The writer could also consider bringing more conflict to the story between Boltzman and his wife. Maybe she wants him to completely stop with this obsession he has, and he won't. Added drama.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There is a lot of dialogue to get through, especially at 125 pages. Again, this could be resolved if the writer takes a look at Galileo's story, and reconsiders if it's really a good fit for this story.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
Some interesting visuals do happen within the story.
This reader couldn't actually determine if Boltzman actually changed at all through the course of the story. He does decide to get out of the shuttle, but this reader couldn't really see any real change in his character or not.
No real Internal or External conflict seemed present.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
This reader would suggest that the writer reconsider including Galileo's story in here. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story, mainly because it feels like it should be a completely different movie. This reader can see what the writer is trying to accomplish by including it, but it seems like an ill fit.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
There's definitely a market and audience for this type of movie.
The first few pages with the time jumps did remind this reader of Cloud Atlas.
Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Reconsider including Galileo's story, seems like an ill fit.
2. Consider making Boltzman more proactive.
3. Try and create more conflict between Boltzman and his wife.
4. Consider trying to cut down on the dialogue, slightly dialogue heavy at the moment.
Get plenty of notes and points of view for it.
OVERALL:
An ambitious story that could be interesting if not for all the time jumps. Can make it a little frustrating for the reader when trying to invest in a character. As it does feel at times a little muddled.
Best of luck with it and any future projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
The first thing that strikes this reader is the page count. 125 pages seems a little long. Perhaps it reads fast.
Pg 1
SUPER: Rome, Italy (1610) - 400 years before
launch of the Genesis Space Shuttle.
Pg 2
Two references to the Genesis Space Shuttle launch. Perhaps it would be worth considering actually showing this launch as a point of reference.
Pg 3
ZAXIS, with his precisely symmetrical face and figure, superb
intellect, and benevolent nature appears to be the ideal
creation of a man. He is so close to perfection that, in many
ways, he appears to be more than a mere mortal.
The above description seems a little bit much.
So Kurtz is the Computer Voice?
Pg 4
Okay, so that's how many different time periods.
(1610)
(2160)
(1995)
(2005)
That's quite a lot of time jumps in such a short space of time.
ROGER BOLTZMAN, 40, theoretical physicist, is a fiery
amalgamation of genius, eccentricity, and passion held
together by a slightly worn Calvin Klein suit, loose tie and
a pair of Air Jordans. Every day, his demeanor and outfit
remains the same.
That's another long description of a character.
Pg 17
(1615)
Pg 22
A little confused here, has Kurz transported Roger Boltzman into the future?
Pg 23
Slightly confusing, Boltzman turns up at a hotel and starts explaining who he is? Wouldn't he be panicking a little bit more than he is?
Wouldn't Boltzman try and call someone, get some clothes?
Pg 31
Slight problem here, Boltzman arrived on the beach naked.
Where did he clothes to wear and money for this phone call?
Did someone give him these things?
Did he put them somewhere in the past so that he could collect them in the future?
Also having some old guy just happen to know about the CERN Institute seems a little too easy?
Consider having him try and find a library or something to find the information he needs, make him a little bit more proactive.
Pg 62
How could the policeman make that assumption about how Graham died? Is he a doctor?
Pg 65
Instead of COMPUTER VOICE, why not use KURTZ VOICE? Less confusion and the reader can see straight away who's talking without any explanation.
Pg 68
The PHYSICIST needs a name, as he talks quite a lot.
Pg 71
Slightly confused, thought the voice of Frank Shoemaker was Kurtz?
This is what this reader assumed back on page 65.
Pg 72
If Frank Shoemaker isn't in the scene, use (V.O.) just to clarify.
Pg 75
It's been a while since we saw Boltzman in the future. Think it was back around page 49 that we last saw him in the year 2160.
Pg 80
Just arrived in 2160, but no sign of Boltzman anywhere?
Pg 93
Boltzman in the future hasn't been in since around page 49.
Now he's in the New Cern Institute?
Pg 105
This reader thought that Schrodinger died in 2008? Pg 83
Pg 114
The reveal that the physicist if Galileo sort of works, it also feels like it should be a completely different movie based on the life of Galileo. This reader believes that the overall story that the writer is trying to convey would be better served if it revolved around the space shuttle. And concentrated on the events leading up to the shuttle and what happened after it launched.
Pg 125
Is Schrodinger a new cat?
FADE OUT. read -
A review of Gilead's Dispensationby Russ2007 on 05/07/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: Extremely... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
Extremely easy to read.
Plenty of white on the page.
Interesting set of characters.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The story is a little confusing at the start with the dream sequence and flashback.
An area of concern for the reader in these opening pages, is the amount of dialogue and explanation. Even though it reads fast, not much is happening within these opening pages.
This reader has found it difficult to determine who the main character is. It may well be Andre, but with all the other characters coming and going it is hard to ascertain. Nothing has happened to any of the characters that seems to push them in a new direction.
Andre did overhear the conversation about the Ark of the Covenant on page 20 and the story at that point did seem to have some kind of direction. Unfortunately, it reverted back to dialogue.
Ideally, if Andre is the main character, something needs to happen to him. That pushes him out of his normal way of life and sends him on a new journey. He also needs to be proactive and pushing the story forward with his decisions. If indeed it is about going after the Ark, this element of the story needs to involve Andre a lot more.
With so many characters being introduced in such a small time frame, the writer may want to consider concentrating the story just on Andre, if indeed he is the main character of the story.
As for format, as already mentioned, reads fast and is reasonably devoid of mistakes.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This reader is finding the same issues with this section.
There's no clear protagonist to follow.
Andre isn't driving the story forward with his actions or choices.
As stated in the synopsis, the story very much revolves around a lot of dream sequences. Unfortunately, a story can't be told through dream sequences. Andre, as a character must be far more proactive and should be leading the story.
This reader was also hoping for far more conflict between Andre and Hughes. Again, nothing much in the way of conflict is happening between these two characters.
The dialogue between the characters is interesting, but there is an abundance of it and doesn't seem to be driving the story forward.
Pg 51 75
The writer needs to consider having the story revolve around Andre, rather than the other way around. In this version, Andre just isn't being proactive, not to mention, he disappears for large amounts of time while the story settles on other characters. A good example of this is when Helvis is talking with Mary and they find themselves walking through the stars.
Where is Andre?
What is he doing?
The main character can't disappear for such long periods of time.
There are far too many dream sequences involving Joseph and Andre. Joseph turns up and starts explaining to Andre and about what he should be doing. Ideally, Andre should be making all the decisions. This reader can see what the writer is going for, but in its current state, this story isn't working as well as it could be.
The story is still lacking conflict and obstacles.
This again is mainly due to the story not focusing on Andre and his journey.
This reader believes that the story would be much better served if the writer concentrated on one aspect of this journey that Andre finds himself on. Rather than trying to tell the entire journey.
Find one aspect of this journey where Andre has a goal or goals that can be easily established in the 1st ACT. Then have Andre set about achieving these goals. Then throw plenty of obstacles and conflict into the story.
At the moment the conflict between Hughes and Andre just isn't being utilized.
Andre is a very passive character, and when something does happen, he is just reacting to the situation. Make him more proactive.
Pg 76 to the end
The reader finds the same issues in this section.
There's far to much exposition by the characters as they try and explain everything away.
Far too much dialogue.
The flashbacks and dream sequences occurring withing dream sequences are extremely difficult to understand.
As an example, from page 108 onwards, this pretty much lasts right through until the end of the story.
A story cannot be told purely through dream sequences and flashbacks that occur within a dream sequence.
And without a strong protagonist with goals to achieve makes for a weak story. Andre as a character needs a substantial amount of work in order to make this story work.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
The writer needs to work on the logline. Ideally if the writer focuses on Andre, his goal and the obstacles he'll meet on this journey, the writer can come up with a better logline.
Which will help with creating a better story.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
A few spelling mistakes, but nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There's no structure at the moment.
This is mainly due the main character not having any real goals to achieve and being incredibly passive and reactive.
Endless pages of dialogue, dream sequences and flashbacks within dream sequences makes for a difficult read.
Nothing really happens to Andre that pushes him in a new direction. Nothing that drives the story forward in any way.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
The pacing is incredibly slow due to the endless pages of dialogue where characters explain the story away. Far too many dream sequences slow the story down, extremely confusing to get through. As already mentioned, a good example are those closing pages where dreams and flashbacks are occurring within dreams.
This makes it incredibly difficult to get through.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
Andre is the main character, but as he has no real goals to achieve, he isn't driving the story forward in any way. Ideally, the writer needs to focus the story on him, rather than the other way around.
There are far too many characters to keep track of. At one stage, Andre vanishes for a substantial amount of time and the story then jumps forward two years. This can't happen.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's far too much dialogue where the characters are explaining things away to each other. A good example is the conversation that happens between Helvis and Mary when they are walking through the stars.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
The writer needs to examine Andre's character and consider giving him a flaw to overcome.
Both Internal and External.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
At times the writer gets a little carried away in the action lines and describing too much.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
As a period piece dealing with this type of subject matter told the way it is in its current form will make for a hard sell. A very small niche market might exist for such material.
Possibly the indie market.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
1. Andre needs to be more proactive.
2. Andre needs some goals to achieve.
3. Andre's actions, decisions and choices should be driving the story forward.
4. The conflict between Andre and Hughes needs to be increased. There isn't enough.
5. Andre needs an Internal and External flaw to overcome by the end of the story.
6. The writer needs to figure a way of telling the story with far less dreams and flashbacks.
Ideally, cutting out as many as possible.
7. A story cannot be told just by using dreams and flashbacks.
8. Cut out as much dialogue as possible. There's far too much where the characters are explaining to each other (too much exposition).
OVERALL:
A story needs to have momentum. The only way of doing that is to have a main character (protagonist) that is proactive in achieving goals that have been set up in Act 1. Unfortunately, in this version, Andre is a very passive, reactive individual that doesn't push this story forward in any clear way.
There is potential here.
But the writer is going to have to consider taking one aspect or point in this journey that Andre goes on where he has a clear goal to achieve and tell that story. Rather than trying to tell this whole story through flashbacks and dreams.
Best of luck with future versions and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
Format looks good. No major problems.
Pg 8
The dream sequence ends and now the story enters a flashback.
The writer might want to clarify that the dream sequence has ended.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. ROOM NIGHT
END DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. ROOM NIGHT BEGIN FLASHBACK
BACK TO PRESENT.
Does this mean we are back in the dream sequence or back in the present? The writer might want to consider making it clearer to the reader. Otherwise it's very confusing to go straight from a dream into a flashback. And then back again.
Pg 10
So we weren't back in the present, but still in the dream sequence. The writer needs to make this clearer on the page, otherwise the reader will get frustrated.
Pg 18
Consider using a different name for Bernard 2. Either use his his full name or just use DE MONTBARD. Makes it easier to distinguish him from the other Bernard.
Try and avoid using character names that sound similar.
Pg 28
Andres ?
Pg 32
He turns toward a second Andre (representing Andres spirit
body) standing beside him.
He glances at an apparition in the form of Andre (Andre's spirit) standing beside him.
Pg 49
pedal - petal
shutters - shudders
Pg 55
This is a good example of where the story becomes extremely slow and long winded. This conversation between Helvis and Mary has been going on for quite a while.
The writer needs to decide whose story is this and then tell it from their point of view. Ideally, the story should be told from Andre's point of view as it's his journey. And Andre's goal should be to successfully complete this quest and get back to Helvis so that he can marry her.
And while he goes on this quest, he should be facing obstacles and a lot of conflict. As it's written at the moment, this just isn't happening, there's no story for a reader to invest in.
Conversations and dream sequences slow down a story, especially when they aren't driving the story forward.
Pg 57
That's approximately 8 pages of dialogue between Helvis and Mary. That's a lot of dialogue between two characters.
Talking heads.
The story should be revolving around Andre and his journey. The writer needs to find a better way of focusing the story on Andre. At the moment, there is no clear focus.
Pg 60
The story jumps forward two years.
This is a major problem as Andre hasn't been in it for quite some time. As the main character, Andre can't disappear for long periods of time. The story should be revolving around him and not the other way around. We last saw Andre on page 47 or thereabouts. What's happened to him, what's he been doing and now the story has jumped forward by two years?
Pg 68
The dream sequence has finished?
Pg 77
reigns - reins
Pg 108
This section is a good example of how the writer confuses the reader.
This starts with a Mutual Dream sequence.
Pg 109
The story then goes into a Flashback, but it's also a mutual dream.
Pg 110
Then the story is back in the present.
But the reader still finds that the story is happening in this flashback come dream sequence.
Pg 111
The dream sequence come flash back then ends. Even though the story is still being told in a mutual dream sequence.
The writer needs to work harder at not confusing the reader.
This story is already hard enough to get through with the amount of dialogue, exposition, a main character that is incredibly passive and not driving the story forward in any way. read -
A review of Karoly's Promise rev.by Russ2007 on 05/06/2013OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? WHAT WORKED: The... OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES:
Questions you need to ask yourself:
Do they establish the tone of the story?
Do they set up the world this story is set in?
Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in?
Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow?
Are the character introductions long winded?
WHAT WORKED:
The writer is obviously keen to tell a story about this particular character, Karoly. Very commendable. It certainly is an interesting tale, from a biographical standpoint or if it was presented as a documentary type film.
There's plenty here that can be used to create a good story.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
Firstly, and most importantly, the format, in its current form makes it incredibly hard to concentrate on the story that the writer is trying to convey to the reader. The opening page is a good example of what's to come. The use of UPPERCASE consistently as the story unfolds makes it extremely difficult to read and is rather tiring on the eyes.
Secondly, and just as important, is the writer must remember that this is a story, restricted to a certain amount of time. Trying to tell the story of someone within such a time frame is impossible. It can't be done. Maybe as a six-part mini-series, but not as a movie.
As an example, there are far too many time jumps to keep track of what's going on. Ideally, the writer needs to pick one point in Karoly's life where he has a goal to achieve and tell that story from his point of view. A point in his life where something occurs that pushes him in a different direction. This story will reflect his overall character and personality.
Just from reading these opening twenty-five pages and reading the synopsis, there are two possible avenues for the writer to explore and to consider crafting a story from. As mentioned in the notes, one of these avenues could be Karoly's desire to build a church and how he goes about this.
Or it could be about how he goes about training his daughter-in-laws horse, or if these two stories intertwine, do it that way. If not, maybe get a little creative.
As it's written at the moment, there is no story. Just a biographical account of someone's life, which is interesting, but it isn't a story to invest in.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 50
This reader finds the same issues are prevalent in this section. There is far too much going on. Karoly's character isn't proactive enough and doesn't seem to be driving the story forward. His actions and choices should be pushing his character through the story.
Instead, he is reacting to the situations he is finding himself in.
This reader would like to see a better structured story. As already mentioned, the reader would like to see a story about Karoly fighting to get this church built and also how he goes about training his daughter-in-law's horse. This would make for a far more interesting story.
Where the reader gets to see Karoly have goals that he needs to achieve.
Pg 51 75
What's happening in this section is interesting, but there is no story. Karoly is basically traveling from place to place meeting people. Lots of characters are coming and going without any clear focus on any of them, especially Karoly himself.
This reader did actually get excited way back on page nine, when Karoly seemed like he was going to have a goal in getting this church built. This reader thought it was going to be about that, and that the story was going to have some focus and direction.
Unfortunately, this didn't happen and the story is just meandering through Karoly's life.
This reader was looking forward to seeing the writer develop a story that revolves Karoly's relationship with his daughter-in-law's horse and his fight to get this church built. It would be nice to get some character development, but nothing like this is happening. It is possible the story will touch on these two elements, but it is far too late now.
Pg 76 to the end
This reader strongly believes that this story will work better if the writer concentrates on one aspect of karoly's life. The church and his daughter-in-law's horse would be two great aspects. At the moment there is no clear focus on anything. As already stated, it's basically a biographical account of his life. With a lot of information and characters thrown in such a small time frame.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
As far as a documentary, biographical account of someone's life, this has potential.
But as a well structured story that people can invest in, it isn't working in its current state.
It does have potential if the writer were to focus on one or two events in Karoly's life.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
Major problems with the format. Makes it incredibly difficult to read.
This reader suggests the writer gets a copy of The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier.
Very easy to read and great for reference should you need it.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
There is no structure here in its present form.
The story is offered up as a biographical account of Karoly's life.
As already mentioned, the writer needs to focus on one aspect of Karoly's life and create a story based on that. An aspect that offers karoly some attainable goals that he can achieve as the story unfolds. Giving some goals to Karoly will help with structure.
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
In its current form, quite a struggle to get through. Karoly is basically going from one location to the next with no direct goals to achieve. And with the amount of characters that come and go and the dialogue, makes for a difficult read.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
As it's written at the moment, there are no goals for Karoly to achieve. And far too many characters that come and go as the story progresses.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's a lot of talking by characters that show up and then disappear. That's not to say that it's bad dialogue, it just isn't driving the story forward.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
A theme is touched upon with how Karoly wants to say thanks to God for what he's been blessed with by building a church etc. But this is only really touched upon in the closing pages of the story.
Again, this would work better as a theme if the writer concentrated purely on this aspect of Karoly's life.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer convey visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The large chunks of description and the use of UPPERCASE made this a hard and difficult story to get through.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
As it's written at the moment, this would be a hard sell. Ideally, as already mentioned, the writer should consider setting the story when Karoly is training his daughter-in-law's horse and trying to build the church. Rather than try and set the story in different times. Across many years of his life.
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
Concentrate on one aspect of Karoly's life.
Pick one point in Karoly's life where he has a goal and where he sets about to achieve that goal.
As it's written at the moment, this reader believes there is just too much to fit into such a small time frame. It reads more like a biographical documentary rather than a movie.
The writer should consider setting the story when Karoly is trying to build the church, and throw some goals, and obstacles at him that he must overcome. With the possibility of an occasional flashback to the war etc.
Concentrate on making Karoly more proactive as a character, rather than having him reacting all the time to the world and situations around him. And tell the story from his point of view and cut down on the number of characters.
Work on the format.
OVERALL:
Plenty to work with in this draft.
Get plenty of notes for it.
Best of luck with future versions and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Pg 1
Missing FADE IN:
Fix up the scene heading.
EXT. A GRAND PRIX SHOW JUMPING COMPETITION -EARLY 1990S
EXT. GRAND PRIX SHOW JUMPING COURSE DAY
SUPER: EARLY 1990's
EXT. A SMALL HUNGARIAN SETTLEMENT-1932 KAROLY (9) STANDS
IN A PADDOCK WHERE A MARE HAS FOALED. HIS HUNGARIAN
GRANDFATHER LOOKS OVER AT HIM. THE BOY LOOKS AT THE WOBBLY
COLT WITH ITS WHITE MARKING ON ITS FOREHEAD.
Some action lines mixed in with the scene heading.
EXT. SMALL HUNGARIAN SETTLEMENT DAY
SUPER: 1932
Are Karoly and the Grandfather speaking Hungarian?
If they are, need to make a note.
GRANDFATHER
(in Hungarian, English subs)
This colt's for you...
Pg 2
A lot of time jumping going on at the moment.
Make sure the reader is aware of the time jumps.
SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER
Pg 4
INT. SETTLEMENT CHURCH, REFORMED THE PREVIOUS SUNDAY'S
SERVICE.
The above isn't a scene heading.
It's also confusing.
Have we gone back a week?
INT. SETTLEMENT CHURCH DAY
Pg 5
One minute, Karoly and his father are in the church, next they are in the woods.
EXT. ACACIA WOODS DAY
Pg 7
This reader has been a little lost as to where this is taking place.
Ideally, the writer needs to make it as clear for the reader as possible.
Back on page 1, we start at a Hungarian Settlement. If the story starts in Hungary, then convey this on the page.
SUPER: HUNGARY, 1932
Clarity is most important.
Pg 8
Another time jump.
Pg 9
We're back in the 1990's. What year are we in? There needs to be a better point of reference.
Is Karoly still in his 70s, as he was on page one, because this reader got the impression he was a rather frail man? And now we have him with a different description.
Pg 10
JOHN
Daddy, you dont have money for a
church.
Would he say, Daddy?
Pg 11
The story has jumped again. Back to 1929.
Pg 12
Now jumping forward one week.
Pg 17
The main issue this reader is having with this, there is no real story. Everything that is going on, with Karoly as an old man and as a young boy is interesting, but there just isn't a story here to get invested in.
There are far to many time jumps, going back and forth for a reader to stay invested in. This reader can see what the writer is trying to achieve in telling this account of Karoly's life. But it doesn't fit the time frame that a screenwriter has available to use. Even if this hit 120 pages, there's far too much to fit in.
Ideally, the writer needs to pick one point in Karoly's life that was extremely poignant to him, that will be a true reflection of his character.
Back on page 9, Karoly mentions he wants to build a church. This could be an angle that the writer could use to create a story that reflects Karoly's characters.
As it's written at the moment, there is no story, because there is no structure. It's basically an account of Karoly's life.
Pg 45
The writer needs to familiarize themselves with proper format. Action lines should be split into small paragraphs of anywhere between one and four lines.
Plenty of white space on the page makes for a faster read. As it's written at the moment, very tiring on the eyes.
Pg 46
Where are we? Are we back in the 1990s or present day?
More clarity is needed.
Pg 69
At the bottom of the page, this should be written as a MONTAGE.
Pg 72
INT. A FORMER TROOP CARRIER THAT HAS NOT YET BEEN CONVERTED
BACK FOR CIVILIAN TRAVELERS(MEN ON ONE SIDE AND WOMEN ON
THE OTHER) ON THE ATLANTIC -LATER- EVENING-1950
As already mentioned, the writer needs to familiarize themselves with correct screenplay format.
A good book to buy, that can used for reference is David Trottier's Screenwriter's Bible. It's very easy to understand and as a reference guide, you can't go wrong with it.
Pg 86
KAROLY (CONTD)
Maybe someday Ill start a
congregation and build a church! A
little Anglo-Catholic church.
He even says it here. This would be an angle worth investigating. This would make for an interesting story. Well worth considering. It would mean a pretty harsh rewrite, but this reader believes that the work would be worth it. read
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