a screenplay
by RyanDee
Genres:
horror
A group of arrogant paranormal investigators get the fame they want when they discover evidence of a real haunting... more
RyanDee
member since 03/30/2008 |
last login 11/10/2009
Former Chicago vaudeville/burlesque artist living in LA. Contest Finalist Published Poet Published Short Story Writer Bankruptcy Paralegal In that order....
Bio
Former Chicago vaudeville/burlesque artist living in LA. Contest Finalist Published Poet Published Short Story Writer Bankruptcy Paralegal In that order.
Submissions by RyanDee
Reviews by RyanDee 34
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A review of The Chimeraby RyanDee on 02/18/2009The Chimera is very good. It's one of the most unique screenplays I have read on Triggerstreet and it's very funny. Also, because of the absurdist angle that the piece takes, it's a little bit harder to give notes on, but I will do my best. I won't give notes on the style of story that you chose to tell so they might be a little bit lighter in tone, but I liked it a bunch... The Chimera is very good. It's one of the most unique screenplays I have read on Triggerstreet and it's very funny. Also, because of the absurdist angle that the piece takes, it's a little bit harder to give notes on, but I will do my best. I won't give notes on the style of story that you chose to tell so they might be a little bit lighter in tone, but I liked it a bunch.
THE POSITIVES
The first positive is that your voice is very unique and it comes through strongly. The piece is funny, visual, and unique. There's not much else I can say other than well done. You were also very consistent from beginning to end and Chimera is a finished product, for sure.
The other positive I will say is that you managed to create a funny comedy without being mean spirited or resorting to poo poo jokes. There was some sex humor but it wasn't crude or negative at all.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
The super practical note for this script is hard for me because I think what you are doing is so unique so I'm going to break it down into two things that you might want to try. By no means am I more qualified to do what you have done better than you so that's the form I'm comfortable with.
1. I think that maybe the insanity of Dr. Lugosi would be more jarring if Frank's world was more normal in the beginning. I know that it sets the tone of the piece right off the bat by having the pet psychology, but I was thinking the transition might be stronger if Frank's world is pretty normal before the events of the screenplay.
2. Around page 80, there's an emergency followed by a slowed down period. I think if you took the slowed down, dialogue heavy secens after the red librarian shows up and made them faster, you could cash in on some really good crescendo.
That's it for notes. I liked it and, like I said, I think it's a finished product so, you know. I wanted to give you SOMETHING to work on if you want to. Grain of salt...etc.
PAGE BY PAGE
1. already establishing a strange world. Nice.
7. a blind monkey on crack is funny. However, if your reader has ever worked at a lab where they give blind monkeys crack, it could be offensive.
p. 13 I'm happy with the changeling doctor.
p. 16 While I'm OK with the frolicking bit, it doesn't seem to match the tone of the piece thus far. but what do I know?
23. Being afraid of animals is a nice twist for the brain transplant
25 the brain sequence is very ambitious and well executed.
27 the scar joke, again is a little "grab baggy" as far as the humor is concerned.
35 I'm happy they are testing it. That's funny.
40 The Gregorian Choir. I'm not so sure about this.
44. The scene with Maria is very cool. Good job.
48 The swig of whiskey is funny. I dig that.
55. I like the slug speech. It's funny.
57 "We don't use needles" is very good planting. I'm wondering what is coming up.
60 Occupied territories joke = awesome
65 I'm not so sure about the fart.
70. The double date joke. I'm not so sure again. It takes away from the biggest reveal of the screenplay.
75. He's sleeping with Frank? Did I miss something?
***p 80. The pacing of the "Emergency Librarian"scene is very good but then it drops off a bit. I would say tighten this section.***
88 I'm a bit lost at this point. Maybe it will make sense.
93 They're Mama's balls too. Awesome.
97 Agorophobic Mussles? Yikes.
All in all, good job. I'm giving this a good review, for sure. read -
A review of The Noise of Warby RyanDee on 02/07/2009Hello JakesWrites, Congrats on the noise of war. I loved it. This is one of those scripts that's so tight that it's going to be hard for me to find things to give notes on so, I apologize in advance. THE POSITIVES Concept is amazing. The idea of a forbidden love in your very well drawn Afghanistan is a true accomplishment. The subject matter requires a great deal of... Hello JakesWrites,
Congrats on the noise of war. I loved it. This is one of those scripts that's so tight that it's going to be hard for me to find things to give notes on so, I apologize in advance.
THE POSITIVES
Concept is amazing. The idea of a forbidden love in your very well drawn Afghanistan is a true accomplishment. The subject matter requires a great deal of respect to not be eye rolling and you pulled it off amazingly. Good job.
Your character work is very strong too. You paint characters that are "larger than life" but no so large that they feel out of place in the screenplay. It's really an accomplishment and I respect your work very much.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
I'm not sure if this needs a rewrite, but if you decide to rewrite it, bring Arzo to the forefront a little bit more in the beginning. I feel like there's a good opportunity to have a moment where the reader knows Arzo is on the side of Fitz but the terrorists don't know. You know? That's it. It's minor.
PAGE BY PAGE
1. Awesome quote
1. Good character intro. I can see your people.
5. "Her Boss" think of a way to show this instead of just saying it.
12. This bar sequence might be a touch long
14 Nice job painting the larger problem with the Pakistani border
21 Poker? It's OK but something a touch more active might make this sequence pop a bit more, no?
25 I like your visual painting in this scene. Makes me want to head to the 'Stan. Just kidding. About the travel. Not the scene painting. That's rad.
30 Nice escalation here. We know this is a big deal because you planted it well.
p. 41 that's a good scene. A damn good scene. Good writing.
p. 46 The scene with Khan is good and he is a very good character. Part of me wishes that he was earlier but that's my nit pick.
p. 56 No biggie but the shaking of head should be an action line in my opinion.
p. 59 This is good tension.
68 Nice action sequence flow.
77 The story has shifted into something different with finding the target but it's OK. I still dig it.
p 82 This chess match is a bit scrange in tone. It's strange that the terrorists are speaking so feely. That's just my opinion.
p. 87 Arzo kind of came out of nowhere.
99 Nice resolution. Your third act will be very short.
read -
A review of Down In The Bayouby RyanDee on 02/05/2009First of all let me say that you have chosen a very hard genre (kid's animation) and a very hard tone to pull off and it's done competently and by someone who clearly knows their way around a screenplay. In a way, DitB feels like a classic road movie with the gator and the crawfish trying to get to their prospective goals but in practice, it feels a bit disjointed and repetitive... First of all let me say that you have chosen a very hard genre (kid's animation) and a very hard tone to pull off and it's done competently and by someone who clearly knows their way around a screenplay. In a way, DitB feels like a classic road movie with the gator and the crawfish trying to get to their prospective goals but in practice, it feels a bit disjointed and repetitive. All in all, I didn't not enjoy the screenplay and it was a good read but I think there are some things to fix for the future.
THE POSITIVES
Your characters are crystal clear. For sure. This goes past the fact that there is even a difference in species between them. Caddo and Benoit all have good points of view and they are well executed.
Your structure is classic and well executed. It's a road movie with an ugly duckling overlay. That's as simple as can be and it is pulled off well.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
My super practical note is to introduce less characters in the end and let Gat have a more active role. I realize fully well that, in the idiom of the road movie, it's important to keep different modular experiences together but the whole time I kept wondering when the main tension of the characters being hunted was going to resolve. Let Gat shine more in the re-write.
PAGE BY PAGE
p. 2 This is nit picky, bout i would probably just write your signs as
A sign - "Gift Shop"
p. 5 Yikes, lots of characters right away. Just FYI.
p. 9 First acts are generally pretty patiens but I'm still not 100% what the main tension of the piece is as of right now. It's OK because you have good comedy for kids, but maybe the pacing could be faster.
p. 16 this B story is funny and cute but again, I would say the tension of the piece is pretty low. Maybe shorten it.
p. 21 We are rooting for them to be eaten. That's really good theatrical irony.
p. 25 it's strange that your act break has such a clear shift but I dig it.
p. 27 the pacing is nice on page 27. I dig it.
p. 33 I'm a little lost as to Benoit's role right now.
p. 36 it took this long, but the sluglines are starting to bother me. It's not fatal, but it's notable and jarring.
p. 43. I respect your descision to imply an action sequence by using several short sluglines, but I found it distracting at this point in the script. I've seen it work before, so maybe it needs polishing but it felt strange.
p. 46 awesome. Nice structure getting your A and B stories meshed here.
p. 51 A bit long on this scene.
p. 63. The scene with the sign is nice.
p. 71 nice payoff of the Jumbalya thing.
p. 82 Again, in a way, it's becoming the crawfishs' story. You know? But it isn't bothering me too much.
p. 86 "size of your heart" if this wasn't a kid's film, i would say a touch obtuse. read
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Submissions by RyanDee
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a screenplay by RyanDeeGenres: horrorA group of arrogant paranormal investigators get the fame they want when they discover evidence of a real haunting... more
Reviews by RyanDee 34
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A review of The Chimeraby RyanDee on 02/18/2009The Chimera is very good. It's one of the most unique screenplays I have read on Triggerstreet and it's very funny. Also, because of the absurdist angle that the piece takes, it's a little bit harder to give notes on, but I will do my best. I won't give notes on the style of story that you chose to tell so they might be a little bit lighter in tone, but I liked it a bunch... The Chimera is very good. It's one of the most unique screenplays I have read on Triggerstreet and it's very funny. Also, because of the absurdist angle that the piece takes, it's a little bit harder to give notes on, but I will do my best. I won't give notes on the style of story that you chose to tell so they might be a little bit lighter in tone, but I liked it a bunch.
THE POSITIVES
The first positive is that your voice is very unique and it comes through strongly. The piece is funny, visual, and unique. There's not much else I can say other than well done. You were also very consistent from beginning to end and Chimera is a finished product, for sure.
The other positive I will say is that you managed to create a funny comedy without being mean spirited or resorting to poo poo jokes. There was some sex humor but it wasn't crude or negative at all.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
The super practical note for this script is hard for me because I think what you are doing is so unique so I'm going to break it down into two things that you might want to try. By no means am I more qualified to do what you have done better than you so that's the form I'm comfortable with.
1. I think that maybe the insanity of Dr. Lugosi would be more jarring if Frank's world was more normal in the beginning. I know that it sets the tone of the piece right off the bat by having the pet psychology, but I was thinking the transition might be stronger if Frank's world is pretty normal before the events of the screenplay.
2. Around page 80, there's an emergency followed by a slowed down period. I think if you took the slowed down, dialogue heavy secens after the red librarian shows up and made them faster, you could cash in on some really good crescendo.
That's it for notes. I liked it and, like I said, I think it's a finished product so, you know. I wanted to give you SOMETHING to work on if you want to. Grain of salt...etc.
PAGE BY PAGE
1. already establishing a strange world. Nice.
7. a blind monkey on crack is funny. However, if your reader has ever worked at a lab where they give blind monkeys crack, it could be offensive.
p. 13 I'm happy with the changeling doctor.
p. 16 While I'm OK with the frolicking bit, it doesn't seem to match the tone of the piece thus far. but what do I know?
23. Being afraid of animals is a nice twist for the brain transplant
25 the brain sequence is very ambitious and well executed.
27 the scar joke, again is a little "grab baggy" as far as the humor is concerned.
35 I'm happy they are testing it. That's funny.
40 The Gregorian Choir. I'm not so sure about this.
44. The scene with Maria is very cool. Good job.
48 The swig of whiskey is funny. I dig that.
55. I like the slug speech. It's funny.
57 "We don't use needles" is very good planting. I'm wondering what is coming up.
60 Occupied territories joke = awesome
65 I'm not so sure about the fart.
70. The double date joke. I'm not so sure again. It takes away from the biggest reveal of the screenplay.
75. He's sleeping with Frank? Did I miss something?
***p 80. The pacing of the "Emergency Librarian"scene is very good but then it drops off a bit. I would say tighten this section.***
88 I'm a bit lost at this point. Maybe it will make sense.
93 They're Mama's balls too. Awesome.
97 Agorophobic Mussles? Yikes.
All in all, good job. I'm giving this a good review, for sure. read -
A review of The Noise of Warby RyanDee on 02/07/2009Hello JakesWrites, Congrats on the noise of war. I loved it. This is one of those scripts that's so tight that it's going to be hard for me to find things to give notes on so, I apologize in advance. THE POSITIVES Concept is amazing. The idea of a forbidden love in your very well drawn Afghanistan is a true accomplishment. The subject matter requires a great deal of... Hello JakesWrites,
Congrats on the noise of war. I loved it. This is one of those scripts that's so tight that it's going to be hard for me to find things to give notes on so, I apologize in advance.
THE POSITIVES
Concept is amazing. The idea of a forbidden love in your very well drawn Afghanistan is a true accomplishment. The subject matter requires a great deal of respect to not be eye rolling and you pulled it off amazingly. Good job.
Your character work is very strong too. You paint characters that are "larger than life" but no so large that they feel out of place in the screenplay. It's really an accomplishment and I respect your work very much.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
I'm not sure if this needs a rewrite, but if you decide to rewrite it, bring Arzo to the forefront a little bit more in the beginning. I feel like there's a good opportunity to have a moment where the reader knows Arzo is on the side of Fitz but the terrorists don't know. You know? That's it. It's minor.
PAGE BY PAGE
1. Awesome quote
1. Good character intro. I can see your people.
5. "Her Boss" think of a way to show this instead of just saying it.
12. This bar sequence might be a touch long
14 Nice job painting the larger problem with the Pakistani border
21 Poker? It's OK but something a touch more active might make this sequence pop a bit more, no?
25 I like your visual painting in this scene. Makes me want to head to the 'Stan. Just kidding. About the travel. Not the scene painting. That's rad.
30 Nice escalation here. We know this is a big deal because you planted it well.
p. 41 that's a good scene. A damn good scene. Good writing.
p. 46 The scene with Khan is good and he is a very good character. Part of me wishes that he was earlier but that's my nit pick.
p. 56 No biggie but the shaking of head should be an action line in my opinion.
p. 59 This is good tension.
68 Nice action sequence flow.
77 The story has shifted into something different with finding the target but it's OK. I still dig it.
p 82 This chess match is a bit scrange in tone. It's strange that the terrorists are speaking so feely. That's just my opinion.
p. 87 Arzo kind of came out of nowhere.
99 Nice resolution. Your third act will be very short.
read -
A review of Down In The Bayouby RyanDee on 02/05/2009First of all let me say that you have chosen a very hard genre (kid's animation) and a very hard tone to pull off and it's done competently and by someone who clearly knows their way around a screenplay. In a way, DitB feels like a classic road movie with the gator and the crawfish trying to get to their prospective goals but in practice, it feels a bit disjointed and repetitive... First of all let me say that you have chosen a very hard genre (kid's animation) and a very hard tone to pull off and it's done competently and by someone who clearly knows their way around a screenplay. In a way, DitB feels like a classic road movie with the gator and the crawfish trying to get to their prospective goals but in practice, it feels a bit disjointed and repetitive. All in all, I didn't not enjoy the screenplay and it was a good read but I think there are some things to fix for the future.
THE POSITIVES
Your characters are crystal clear. For sure. This goes past the fact that there is even a difference in species between them. Caddo and Benoit all have good points of view and they are well executed.
Your structure is classic and well executed. It's a road movie with an ugly duckling overlay. That's as simple as can be and it is pulled off well.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
My super practical note is to introduce less characters in the end and let Gat have a more active role. I realize fully well that, in the idiom of the road movie, it's important to keep different modular experiences together but the whole time I kept wondering when the main tension of the characters being hunted was going to resolve. Let Gat shine more in the re-write.
PAGE BY PAGE
p. 2 This is nit picky, bout i would probably just write your signs as
A sign - "Gift Shop"
p. 5 Yikes, lots of characters right away. Just FYI.
p. 9 First acts are generally pretty patiens but I'm still not 100% what the main tension of the piece is as of right now. It's OK because you have good comedy for kids, but maybe the pacing could be faster.
p. 16 this B story is funny and cute but again, I would say the tension of the piece is pretty low. Maybe shorten it.
p. 21 We are rooting for them to be eaten. That's really good theatrical irony.
p. 25 it's strange that your act break has such a clear shift but I dig it.
p. 27 the pacing is nice on page 27. I dig it.
p. 33 I'm a little lost as to Benoit's role right now.
p. 36 it took this long, but the sluglines are starting to bother me. It's not fatal, but it's notable and jarring.
p. 43. I respect your descision to imply an action sequence by using several short sluglines, but I found it distracting at this point in the script. I've seen it work before, so maybe it needs polishing but it felt strange.
p. 46 awesome. Nice structure getting your A and B stories meshed here.
p. 51 A bit long on this scene.
p. 63. The scene with the sign is nice.
p. 71 nice payoff of the Jumbalya thing.
p. 82 Again, in a way, it's becoming the crawfishs' story. You know? But it isn't bothering me too much.
p. 86 "size of your heart" if this wasn't a kid's film, i would say a touch obtuse. read -
A review of DreamCaptureby RyanDee on 01/26/2009Hey Chris, Thanks for uploading Dream Capture. I was, too a Chicago comedian (mainly sketch/improv) before moving to LA. There is a long standing theory in my family that I was named after Ryne Sandberg (Ryne Dee Sandberg) but no one will confirm nor deny this. Anywhoo...the review. THE POSITIVES Visuals of the dream sequence are A-Plus. I know several directors that... Hey Chris, Thanks for uploading Dream Capture. I was, too a Chicago comedian (mainly sketch/improv) before moving to LA. There is a long standing theory in my family that I was named after Ryne Sandberg (Ryne Dee Sandberg) but no one will confirm nor deny this. Anywhoo...the review.
THE POSITIVES
Visuals of the dream sequence are A-Plus. I know several directors that salivate over the opportunity to direct things like that and this script would certainly get attention at small production companies with directors trying to prove themselves. If all commercial considerations are removed from the script, the dream sequences are still pretty cool. Very "Unbearable Likeness of Beings" (the book not the movie)
Your structure is very good too. The characters have a nice stasis (in more than one way) in the beginning and when they break the stasis, there is a clear change in their circumstances and behavior. Nice job on that.
THE SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
My super practical note on this is that there needs to be one more "back and forth" in your dialogue. There are several times where characters speak for long stretches (usually about four lines) that don't feel natural. I think the script would get much faster and stronger if you were to take a pass on the script and attempt to naturalize the dialogue a touch. I think this would bring the script to the next level.
OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
There's a stretch in the script right after the midpoint where the change is expressed only through dialogue. Immediately after this, the characters start ACTING differently. I think maybe cut that section or bring the dialogue intercut with action. You know?
There were some SUPER minor formatting issues. Some wackiness. In particular, putting dream sequence in the sluglines. It didn't bother me, but I can see others rejecting this because of a technicality, which would be a shame.
PAGE BY PAGE
pg 1. I think if would be TITLECARD if it's over black. Maybe not. Please ignore if I'm wrong.
p. 3. Some of these conversations feel a bit out of sequence. I don't kow why these conversations are happening.
p. 3 I'm OK with your formatting but generally, the Dream Sequence is in the action line above the slugline.
p. 8 On the story level, I feel like not much has happened
p. 11 This speech is probably a touch on the long side.
p. 14 I'm still not sure what the conflict is here
p. 16 I'm more interested in his failed marraige than what's on the screen. Maybe that could be shown?
p. 22 Again, I still feel like the coflict hasn't grown much. Maybe hit me in the head with it.
p. 32 maybe some paragraph breaks in the action line's for Monk's Pub
p. 34 I would like to see more back and forth with this dialogue, Like, more interruptions. Better flow.
p 38 It feels like we have taken a detour at this point. Like, we were on the track of something awesome and it got pushed to the side.
p. 42 I don't think this conversation advances the story.
p. 56 so the midpoint is the first breakthrough, correct? Good.
p. 60 If everyone was above average than no one would be above average is a good line. Keep it.
p. 69 this is starting to feel a touch redundant.
p. 74 Again, I would like some more back and forth here.
p. 79 OK. This is actually nice structurally because it's positive and then negative. And for the record, Bucktown blows.
p. 80 Playing God? Really? That's a touch dramatic for my tastes.
p. 88 her leaving also feels a touch heavy handed. It wasn't planted earlier in a way that would make me happy with it.
p. 97 the visuals of these people failing are much more compelling then the dialogue about it. They give the message through action. These pages are good.
p. 102 the bathtub visual is very good.
This is a decent script. It isn't quite there for me but it's a fresh enough idea that I think if you polished the ba-jeesus out of it, there might be something a couple of drafts down the road.
Awesome? You bet. read -
A review of Riders on the Storm (v2)by RyanDee on 01/12/2009First of all, congrats on Riders on the Storm. It's really well put together and I enjoyed reading it very much. Also, thank you for your review of Burbank. It was a big help. Now, off to work. ***SPOILERS*** THE POSITIVES Concept- Amazing. I don't even know what to say other than I'm blown away by the concept. It really snuck up on me and for the first few pages... First of all, congrats on Riders on the Storm. It's really well put together and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Also, thank you for your review of Burbank. It was a big help. Now, off to work. ***SPOILERS***
THE POSITIVES
Concept- Amazing. I don't even know what to say other than I'm blown away by the concept. It really snuck up on me and for the first few pages I was thinking it was another lame Sin City knock off but you changed my mind 100%. Wow. Good job.
Characters - your character work is incredibly strong. In particular, Rictor is incredibly strong. He has the feel of being incredibly evil and worthy of an opponent for Marshall. He popped off the page. Really really good work.
It is hard for me to give notes because I liked this screenplay so much but here is my...
SUPER PRACTICAL NOTE
For this script, the only notable dip in the action is what I am calling the "first prologue" in the Chinese restaurant where everything gets explained. I'm OK with them explaining everything but I feel like the page count on this section is at least twice as long as it needs to be. It's literally the only bump in the entire thing.
My super practical note was going to be that your character introductions are a little bit thin but I think it is actually part of the payoff in the end.
ETHER NOTE
Your writing style is very poetic and "legato" which might put some readers off. That's just a heads up. I don't think you need to change it, but I have it written down so I thought I would tell you.
PAGE BY PAGE
p. 1 nit picky - perhaps a paragraph break after the character is introduced?
p. 5 Nice surreal tone from the beginning.
p. 16 Nice plant with the motorcycle.
p. 21 Marshie is funny. Maybe pay it off again?
p. 39 Typo - unfinished paragraph "Eshter b"
p. 51 This might be a touch late for the first flashback in this piece. Maybe a flashback in the first act?
p. 62 "suck own cock" funny. Keep it.
p. 65 this is the moment that I realized FULLY what was going on. Does that make me slow? Perhaps. The jury is still out. read -
A review of Return to Krakatauby RyanDee on 01/04/2009Hello. Let me say first that I'm not a drama writer. My genre is comedy so, you know...grain of salt...etc. Here goes. THE POSITIVES First of all, I think that your visual style is very good. You have a very good idea of what the worlds that you describe look like and it was a pleasure going on the "journey" to your worlds that you created. Paradise sounds like a good... Hello. Let me say first that I'm not a drama writer. My genre is comedy so, you know...grain of salt...etc. Here goes.
THE POSITIVES
First of all, I think that your visual style is very good. You have a very good idea of what the worlds that you describe look like and it was a pleasure going on the "journey" to your worlds that you created. Paradise sounds like a good place to live (save for the volcano blasts)
The script is very unique and ambitious. Reincarnation is a very hard subject to cover and you did a good job pulling off the parallel narratives. I'm happy with the job that you did blending the two. There was only one thing which is actually...
MY SUPER UBER PRACTICAL NOTE
I would say the biggest and easiest thing to fix on this is to bring Dennis to the forefront sooner. There is a big group of sailors in the beginning and it wasn't until page 33 that I realized that the story was about Dennis. It's pretty obvious that Mina is the other love interest, but I would say open the script (or at least the post prologue) on Dennis. We need to know earlier who it is that our attention should be on.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
The ending didn't really move me. Maybe something stronger than another series of flashbacks. I just felt like there were too many loose ends that didn't get tied up.
Idioms. There are several awkwardly worded English idioms in the piece. It probably wouldn't (if you are planning to sell the script (if not please disregard this note)) it might not hurt to get someone who can navigate American English idioms a little better to do a polish. The biggest examples would be the hanging clauses using "as" and referring to, what I'm assuming is a giant Clam as a giant Clamp.
This is minor so I respect your descision, but if it were my script, I would bring up the point where the first flashback to the Dutch captain happens. It is easy to forget about the other parallel narrative in the piece by the time it gets there.
That's it. Good job. read -
A review of Principles of Buoyancyby RyanDee on 11/25/2008First of all, congrats. Your script is very good. It's a very fast read. Honestly, I'm sure it will find commercial success. THE POSITIVES - The relationship between Albert and Marta feels very organic and realistic. Albert is an incredibly attractive character and I'm sure a role of this caliber would be attractive to actors looking for a challenging role. The budget... First of all, congrats. Your script is very good. It's a very fast read. Honestly, I'm sure it will find commercial success.
THE POSITIVES -
The relationship between Albert and Marta feels very organic and realistic.
Albert is an incredibly attractive character and I'm sure a role of this caliber would be attractive to actors looking for a challenging role.
The budget is very modest and this project could be shopped to micro houses and majors alike.
It has a very visual style and fits well into the art film idiom.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
(I have very few of these. Honestly, I'm a fan)
1 The tanks rolling down the street spike the budget quite a bit and they don't really add much to the narrative. If it was my script, I would cut them.
2. There is a dream sequence late in the second act and there isn't a precedent of dream sequences so it's a little jarring. There are two ways to remedy this. The first one would be to put a dream sequence in the late first/early second act. The other would be to cut the dream sequence. I vote for the first one.
3. The visual of Albert walking against the crowd happens too much. I get it.
4. The level of poetry in the beginning is a bit jarring for a first page. I would use more plain language.
As always, these are just suggestions. It's a good script, follow your heart...not mine. read -
A review of Last Weekby RyanDee on 04/04/2008First of all, congrats on writing Last Week. It's very strong and entertaining to read. It's very clear that you are a talent at this. The Positives The concept is solid as a rock. 100% backable The budget for this film (aside from maybe the robbery at the end) would be incredibly low. Very well done on that end. The character of RAY is very attractive and could probably... First of all, congrats on writing Last Week. It's very strong and entertaining to read. It's very clear that you are a talent at this.
The Positives
The concept is solid as a rock. 100% backable
The budget for this film (aside from maybe the robbery at the end) would be incredibly low. Very well done on that end.
The character of RAY is very attractive and could probably attract some talent.
The "one week" structure is very strong and it leads to very good sight gags. Pulling off a heist is very strong and funny.
The female lead is stronger than most "romantic comedies." (I want to remove the quote lines because it is, in fact, a comedy about romance, but, you know)
The smart mouth slacker vibe is executed amazingly.
Your writing style is distinctive and notable. All in all, good job.
The Things to Think About
I wish that there was a way to show Ray with more despiration. I know it might interfear with the plot arch or Ray but in honesty, his apathy felt kind of out of place. My suggestion on this is to keep him "cool as a cucumber" except for in private moments. I know this was attempted but I think this is a thick way of showing a more attractive character.
I think either way that you do this movie, some readers are going to be bumped by the ending. In my opinion, I would just have Ray get Kate to say that she loves him and then just start driving towards the ocean for the final scene. I think leaving it tied up didn't work for me, but I'm not gung ho either way on this one.
The character of Gary kind of bumped me. I think it felt a little too much like an attempt at a town full of wacky characters. I could see the wizard behind the curtain a bit too much.
Ray's direct comments to the camera might bump some people. I didn't mind them too much but I think they are a bit too long. I think they should be quick comments. Maybe shave a sentence off each one.
Some of the cut scenes kind of took me out of it too. Stylistically, I like the idea of cutting away, but I wouldn't use it quite as mouch.
Hope all is well. I like it tons. It's really really solid so please take my suggestions as that. Don't compromise with this one, you are onto something. read
Comments About RyanDee 17
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/30/2009
Thanks for reviewing Masterpiece Nightmare. It's reviews like yours why we put our scripts up here. Thank you. -
Wild Card on 05/19/2009
Thanks for the kind words, Ryan. It was completely unexpected, but I'm thrilled nonetheless. Hopefully another one of your works will pop up in my assignment generator soon, eh?
-Paul -
kepow on 03/19/2009
Hi, Ryan. I see you live in L.A. and I was wondering if you knew about this:
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/viewtopic.php?t=46462&start=180&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=
You're welcome to attend any and all of the activities planned, but if you wish to join us at lucky strike, I will need to know your probability of attendance (maybe, probably, or definately), the approximate number of guests you might bring with you and your e-mail address, which you can give by hitting "contact me" on my TS page.
Hope to see you there!
-
kurtsegers on 02/18/2009
Hi Ryan,
thanks for the most kind review of The Chimera. I am glad someone at last appreciated the joke on occupied territories. I laughed out loud when reading "However, if your reader has ever worked at a lab where they give blind monkeys crack, it could be offensive" Are you serious about that?
Anyway, a heartwarming review
Many thanks
Kurt -
Kathren on 02/11/2009
Thank you for your review of Down In The Bayou. I did enjoy Burbank and feel it has a lot of potential. I'm currently working on my re-write. It never ends...
Best,
Kathren -
Boxey on 02/11/2009
Thanks for the review. Glad a fellow funny man laughed while reading. The re-write strategy is in place so I will let you know when we are done in case you want to see it again. -
cclogg on 02/08/2009
Okay, awesome good to hear sir. -
JakesWrites on 02/08/2009
Thanks for your kind review of "The Noise of War." I appreciate your comments and I'll consider them in the next re-write.
Good luck with your writing!
Cheers,
Jim -
cclogg on 02/08/2009
Np, had fun reading it. Don't take my review too harshly... I really hope it helps you out! :) -
andrewpalmer on 02/07/2009
Any time man, you got the flow.
I'm tryin to write my own foreclosure anomaly, too. It's harder then I thought to get attention on this site though - there are so many great scripts. I enjoy reading scripts like yours, seeing how you introduced the agent and other cool writing styles. Even the other reviews you had (Which I was able to rate after) offered some insight.
I hope to get my own up this month :)
Take care,
Andy
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Comments About RyanDee 17
-
Quote
Thanks for reviewing Masterpiece Nightmare. It's reviews like yours why we put our scripts up here. Thank you.
-
Quote
Thanks for the kind words, Ryan. It was completely unexpected, but I'm thrilled nonetheless. Hopefully another one of your works will pop up in my assignment generator soon, eh?
-
Quote
Hi, Ryan. I see you live in L.A. and I was wondering if you knew about this:
+ more comments**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/30/2009
Wild Card on 05/19/2009
-Paul
kepow on 03/19/2009
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/viewtopic.php?t=46462&start=180&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=
You're welcome to attend any and all of the activities planned, but if you wish to join us at lucky strike, I will need to know your probability of attendance (maybe, probably, or definately), the approximate number of guests you might bring with you and your e-mail address, which you can give by hitting "contact me" on my TS page.
Hope to see you there!