a screenplay
by sabin
One of the world's best assassins is going through a midlife crisis. She goes to Hong Kong, infiltrates an arms... more
sabin
member since 12/23/2005 |
last login 11/08/2012
I live, work, love and occasionally use Aikido in the great (big) city of New York, home of Spiderman and the mythical Woody Allen. I am a sign and display artist for the busiest store in North America, which keeps me on...
Bio
I live, work, love and occasionally use Aikido in the great (big) city of New York, home of Spiderman and the mythical Woody Allen. I am a sign and display artist for the busiest store in North America, which keeps me on my toes. I write screenplays and make comics and am also working on a novel. I am also launching a webcomic soon, so keep watching this space. ..... .... .... ..... ..... I have a big comic here: http://symptomcomics.com
Submissions by sabin
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a screenplay by sabinA tranny stripper and a teen runaway collide in Memphis. Their lives unravel from their pasts and problems. Drugs,... more
Reviews by sabin 60
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A review of C.B.A. CHAPTER 0 PART 2by sabin on 01/01/2011C.B.A. Chapter 0, part 2 Since this is only 8 pages of what looks like a much larger story, I won't go into too much detail about the plot. The story seemed to be part of something much larger, but without any real character introduction, it was a tad difficult to understand who the characters were, but more importantly their motivation or what was happening plotwise. Something... C.B.A. Chapter 0, part 2
Since this is only 8 pages of what looks like a much larger story, I won't go into too much detail about the plot. The story seemed to be part of something much larger, but without any real character introduction, it was a tad difficult to understand who the characters were, but more importantly their motivation or what was happening plotwise.
Something I didn't get at all was the smuggling of drugs in a vase with an open top. Without seeing how it went through inspection, I couldn't imagine any officer in any world not taking a peek inside. Wouldn't a giant vase attract more attention than you would want?
The pencilled artwork is solid and good - the lines are clear and the page layouts worked well for moving the reader's eye and focusing on the right spots. The text in speech bubbles was a little slapdash. I think the placement seemed a little out of center, and the computer font was darker and had a really different feel to the rest of the art. I thought the character changing his accent felt gimmicky, but it added a small bit of depth to him... I think it would work nicely if it was spread out, but changing from panel to panel was at first confusing, and then too much emphasis was put on it.
I thought the 4th and 5th panels on the first page were odd, since the character standing doesn't move, yet the two seated men are in the exact same place. It is also a very static pose, so it doesn't bring anything new to the scene other than confusion.
Also, on the 4th page, the character jumps out the window, but we see him falling before the panel that says "jump". I would simply just have his dialog stretch from the 3rd panel to the open window, or leave the open window as its own panel. Otherwise, the events occur backwards (unless I'm missing something?)
All in all, I would say this is a fair emulation of manga, clear and well-drawn, but without any more of the story to fill in the gaps, doesn't really hold together as a stand-alone story. I would like to see the artwork inked... the pencils added a delicacy to the art that didn't fit the story, especially in the more action-filled panels (i.e. page 6).
I think the panel placement and movement is excellent, and the artwork is good, but without more to go on, it feels too premature to judge.
Best of luck with its future! read -
A review of Zombielandby sabin on 10/14/2007OK, first I have to admit a personal disappointment. My favorite part of zombie movies is the chaos and mayhem when the zombies first begin to develop. It speaks a lot about humanity and the way people react to an uncontrollable crisis. And it’s just really really cool. That said, it was actually kind of cool just to jump into the action. Rather than the inciting incident being... OK, first I have to admit a personal disappointment. My favorite part of zombie movies is the chaos and mayhem when the zombies first begin to develop. It speaks a lot about humanity and the way people react to an uncontrollable crisis. And it’s just really really cool. That said, it was actually kind of cool just to jump into the action. Rather than the inciting incident being the formation of zombies, it’s a meeting, which sets up the story very differently from a standard horror script. It was refreshing and original.
And I really like the meeting. It’s economical, easy and the characters are really well defined. I thought the riot police zombies were such a great idea! It shows how this story is clearly thought out, and even the zombies have a logical past. I liked the elderly zombie stuck in the car. Riot guards would be called out if an outbreak happened, and they would be still in riot gear when they turned. Small details, such as the gun barrel burning Claire’s legs add a real sophistication and care to the script. (Although, you may want to add another signifier for Claire. It might not translate onto the screen that the gun is hot. Maybe with dialogue, a hot potato fumbling, etc.)
The action in the script is very clear and easy. The dialogue was sparse, but at times felt stilted. I felt as though the voices commingled a little too much. The conflict between characters never fell beyond Will being a snot-nosed brat, Claire being headstrong yet naive and Jim as a good guy. I feel as though the main characters aren’t as fully developed as some of the zombies. The dialogue suffers immensely from this because around the characters is chaos and we don’t get to sit down and chat with them. It is through their decisions and snap judgments, but also their speech that we get a window into who they are.
When the three rescue “Radio Man” Barry (I would keep his character name the same throughout the script for clarity), Thompson and his gang maliciously attack them. There isn’t really any reason for this. I really wanted more incite into Thompson’s character. Why bother chasing them? Why not move on?
When there are lulls in the action, I think it would benefit this story greatly to add some space for the characters to grow, interact and really provide a distance from the brain-dead zombies bent on one thing. The scene in the mansion is a perfect place for this. But Will’s being a jerk, Claire’s being resourceful, Jim is being a leader and Barry is talking about radio. They don’t have to discuss the benefits of the Socratic method or anything, but I just wanted a break from the onslaught where they act more human. As soon as this opportunity comes, more zombies intervene. They never talk about anything other than each other or superficial details. I think with just a little more incite into these characters, another dimension will be added to give this script a real feeling of fullness.
This would also make Jim’s sacrifice more emotional at the end. What if he wasn’t such a good guy? If he didn’t sacrifice anything for anyone, then had an arc and learned to, the ending would be magnificent. But as it stands, we know he’s the hero, he’s going to die, so he makes the sacrifice. Since we don’t know that much about him, I really didn’t feel any sympathy or excitement. Also, the denouement is very odd. It is introducing a new conflict between Tara and Claire as if starting another movie. But is Claire really in the mindset to fight after losing Jim? And again, I don’t understand what Tara’s motivations are. Does she want to stay in the pharmacy and wait it out? Is she really willing to kill Claire to do that?
I think the plot is there, but without three dimensional characters, the story suffers a lot. You’ve got a clear writing style, and the action is really great, but now what’s underneath needs to be as dynamic. read -
A review of NINJAS vs. ZOMBIESby sabin on 10/12/2007I loved that description... In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted... I loved that description...
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot (Hiro and Tina) which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out.
I thought the script could be a little punchier. Especially in transitions; (p 7) O’Malley says “Barstow, California,” maybe have this be a voice over as the sign appears. Some of the dialogue felt a little flat, especially between O’Mally and Susan. “Ask me that again and I’ll put you on my jet back to D.C.” Saying this out loud is hard to get the punch it needs (although I’m no actor!). I know he’s supposed to be bumbling, but maybe, “You’ll finish that question on a plane back to DC.” I don’t know. It just felt a little underdone because the tension was so low between them. I felt that it was the weakest of the plots, not just because there was no sock-em action, but the characters felt stiff and the conflict was extremely low. I liked the check dodging aspect of O’Mally and wanted more little quirks or traits to make him stand out. Also, he sort of disappears at the end. Maybe show him again in the plane during the denouement?
Ghost’s character was a little off-putting. Gangs are one of those things that aren’t (in my opinion) really a territory for tasteful comedy (like, the old saying goes, cancer). It’s a real problem, and gets made light of again and again by people with power rather than anyone providing real solutions. Aside from this, if he’s the most wanted gang leader, why would he be taking orders? It felt a little too gimmicky for me. Treading with stereotypes usually falls flat, as I feel it does in this story. The same with the “Hillbilly” and his reference to the Abner Louima case (which is still fresh in people’s minds). I liked how Hiro’s stereotypical dialogue was a front and wanted more more depth like this from the other characters. If you are extremely attached to keeping Ghost as a gang member, maybe there could be more at stake for him to make another layer to the story, say the prisoners chosen for the “experiment” happen to be people he knows.
I’m really unclear about Hiro and Tina’s first interaction/fight. Tina faults Hiro for leaving the Ofuwazi when his wife died, but it seems like a feud that intense would have something else underlying it. Tina said the world moved on, but clearly it didn’t if he’s willing to sacrifice his life to hold his grudge toward Hiro. After their fight, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. And Tina changed his mind without any provocation. Even if he thinks it over, I needed some space for him to do so.
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a plot and large subplot that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out as well as an internal struggle.
Altogether, I felt that the title (Zombies Versus Ninjas) is a major part of the script. A sort of play on the high concept. Such as Snakes on a Plane, you see the movie because you want to see... snakes on a plane. Like Jaws, the high concept has to deliver its title (or if it needs to be absurd, Jaws in Space, etc.). It’s good to bait a little, but the ninjas don’t appear to fight the zombies until p 75. It is fine to leave this for the last act, but I felt as though the set up took way too long since the story really shifts from Ghost being the main protagonist to Hiro being the protagonist.
But the fighting really has to be colorful and... I hate to say this, more imaginative! It’s there, but you just have to let us in on it more. When Tina “fights fifty zombies viciously,” we need to see the fight happen. Like the scene in the second Matrix, it doesn’t need to be choreographed out, but why not go for broke? I basically wanted to see p 92 throughout the entire script, not just in the climax.
One thing I thought would be great (and logical, since all the ninjas are dying) is a zombie ninja! Did I miss it? I double-checked. If the ninja are being killed by zombies, why aren’t they joining in to kill Hiro and Tina, providing an opponent that’s twice as deadly?In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot (Hiro and Tina) which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out.
I thought the script could be a little punchier. Especially in transitions; (p 7) O’Malley says “Barstow, California,” maybe have this be a voice over as the sign appears. Some of the dialogue felt a little flat, especially between O’Mally and Susan. “Ask me that again and I’ll put you on my jet back to D.C.” Saying this out loud is hard to get the punch it needs (although I’m no actor!). I know he’s supposed to be bumbling, but maybe, “You’ll finish that question on a plane back to DC.” I don’t know. It just felt a little underdone because the tension was so low between them. I felt that it was the weakest of the plots, not just because there was no sock-em action, but the characters felt stiff and the conflict was extremely low. I liked the check dodging aspect of O’Mally and wanted more little quirks or traits to make him stand out. Also, he sort of disappears at the end. Maybe show him again in the plane during the denouement?
Ghost’s character was a little off-putting. Gangs are one of those things that aren’t (in my opinion) really a territory for tasteful comedy (like, the old saying goes, cancer). It’s a real problem, and gets made light of again and again by people with power rather than anyone providing real solutions. Aside from this, if he’s the most wanted gang leader, why would he be taking orders? It felt a little too gimmicky for me. Treading with stereotypes usually falls flat, as I feel it does in this story. The same with the “Hillbilly” and his reference to the Abner Louima case (which is still fresh in people’s minds). I liked how Hiro’s stereotypical dialogue was a front and wanted more more depth like this from the other characters. If you are extremely attached to keeping Ghost as a gang member, maybe there could be more at stake for him to make another layer to the story, say the prisoners chosen for the “experiment” happen to be people he knows.
I’m really unclear about Hiro and Tina’s first interaction/fight. Tina faults Hiro for leaving the Ofuwazi when his wife died, but it seems like a feud that intense would have something else underlying it. Tina said the world moved on, but clearly it didn’t if he’s willing to sacrifice his life to hold his grudge toward Hiro. After their fight, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. And Tina changed his mind without any provocation. Even if he thinks it over, I needed some space for him to do so.
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a plot and large subplot that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out as well as an internal struggle.
Altogether, I felt that the title (Zombies Versus Ninjas) is a major part of the script. A sort of play on the high concept. Such as Snakes on a Plane, you see the movie because you want to see... snakes on a plane. Like Jaws, the high concept has to deliver its title (or if it needs to be absurd, Jaws in Space, etc.). It’s good to bait a little, but the ninjas don’t appear to fight the zombies until p 75. It is fine to leave this for the last act, but I felt as though the set up took way too long since the story really shifts from Ghost being the main protagonist to Hiro being the protagonist.
But the fighting really has to be colorful and... I hate to say this, more imaginative! It’s there, but you just have to let us in on it more. When Tina “fights fifty zombies viciously,” we need to see the fight happen. Like the scene in the second Matrix, it doesn’t need to be choreographed out, but why not go for broke? I basically wanted to see p 92 throughout the entire script, not just in the climax.
One thing I thought would be great (and logical, since all the ninjas are dying) is a zombie ninja! Did I miss it? I double-checked. If the ninja are being killed by zombies, why aren’t they joining in to kill Hiro and Tina, providing an opponent that’s twice as deadly? read
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Submissions by sabin
-
a screenplay by sabin
One of the world's best assassins is going through a midlife crisis. She goes to Hong Kong, infiltrates an arms... more
-
a screenplay by sabin
A tranny stripper and a teen runaway collide in Memphis. Their lives unravel from their pasts and problems. Drugs,... more
Reviews by sabin 60
-
A review of C.B.A. CHAPTER 0 PART 2by sabin on 01/01/2011C.B.A. Chapter 0, part 2 Since this is only 8 pages of what looks like a much larger story, I won't go into too much detail about the plot. The story seemed to be part of something much larger, but without any real character introduction, it was a tad difficult to understand who the characters were, but more importantly their motivation or what was happening plotwise. Something... C.B.A. Chapter 0, part 2
Since this is only 8 pages of what looks like a much larger story, I won't go into too much detail about the plot. The story seemed to be part of something much larger, but without any real character introduction, it was a tad difficult to understand who the characters were, but more importantly their motivation or what was happening plotwise.
Something I didn't get at all was the smuggling of drugs in a vase with an open top. Without seeing how it went through inspection, I couldn't imagine any officer in any world not taking a peek inside. Wouldn't a giant vase attract more attention than you would want?
The pencilled artwork is solid and good - the lines are clear and the page layouts worked well for moving the reader's eye and focusing on the right spots. The text in speech bubbles was a little slapdash. I think the placement seemed a little out of center, and the computer font was darker and had a really different feel to the rest of the art. I thought the character changing his accent felt gimmicky, but it added a small bit of depth to him... I think it would work nicely if it was spread out, but changing from panel to panel was at first confusing, and then too much emphasis was put on it.
I thought the 4th and 5th panels on the first page were odd, since the character standing doesn't move, yet the two seated men are in the exact same place. It is also a very static pose, so it doesn't bring anything new to the scene other than confusion.
Also, on the 4th page, the character jumps out the window, but we see him falling before the panel that says "jump". I would simply just have his dialog stretch from the 3rd panel to the open window, or leave the open window as its own panel. Otherwise, the events occur backwards (unless I'm missing something?)
All in all, I would say this is a fair emulation of manga, clear and well-drawn, but without any more of the story to fill in the gaps, doesn't really hold together as a stand-alone story. I would like to see the artwork inked... the pencils added a delicacy to the art that didn't fit the story, especially in the more action-filled panels (i.e. page 6).
I think the panel placement and movement is excellent, and the artwork is good, but without more to go on, it feels too premature to judge.
Best of luck with its future! read -
A review of Zombielandby sabin on 10/14/2007OK, first I have to admit a personal disappointment. My favorite part of zombie movies is the chaos and mayhem when the zombies first begin to develop. It speaks a lot about humanity and the way people react to an uncontrollable crisis. And it’s just really really cool. That said, it was actually kind of cool just to jump into the action. Rather than the inciting incident being... OK, first I have to admit a personal disappointment. My favorite part of zombie movies is the chaos and mayhem when the zombies first begin to develop. It speaks a lot about humanity and the way people react to an uncontrollable crisis. And it’s just really really cool. That said, it was actually kind of cool just to jump into the action. Rather than the inciting incident being the formation of zombies, it’s a meeting, which sets up the story very differently from a standard horror script. It was refreshing and original.
And I really like the meeting. It’s economical, easy and the characters are really well defined. I thought the riot police zombies were such a great idea! It shows how this story is clearly thought out, and even the zombies have a logical past. I liked the elderly zombie stuck in the car. Riot guards would be called out if an outbreak happened, and they would be still in riot gear when they turned. Small details, such as the gun barrel burning Claire’s legs add a real sophistication and care to the script. (Although, you may want to add another signifier for Claire. It might not translate onto the screen that the gun is hot. Maybe with dialogue, a hot potato fumbling, etc.)
The action in the script is very clear and easy. The dialogue was sparse, but at times felt stilted. I felt as though the voices commingled a little too much. The conflict between characters never fell beyond Will being a snot-nosed brat, Claire being headstrong yet naive and Jim as a good guy. I feel as though the main characters aren’t as fully developed as some of the zombies. The dialogue suffers immensely from this because around the characters is chaos and we don’t get to sit down and chat with them. It is through their decisions and snap judgments, but also their speech that we get a window into who they are.
When the three rescue “Radio Man” Barry (I would keep his character name the same throughout the script for clarity), Thompson and his gang maliciously attack them. There isn’t really any reason for this. I really wanted more incite into Thompson’s character. Why bother chasing them? Why not move on?
When there are lulls in the action, I think it would benefit this story greatly to add some space for the characters to grow, interact and really provide a distance from the brain-dead zombies bent on one thing. The scene in the mansion is a perfect place for this. But Will’s being a jerk, Claire’s being resourceful, Jim is being a leader and Barry is talking about radio. They don’t have to discuss the benefits of the Socratic method or anything, but I just wanted a break from the onslaught where they act more human. As soon as this opportunity comes, more zombies intervene. They never talk about anything other than each other or superficial details. I think with just a little more incite into these characters, another dimension will be added to give this script a real feeling of fullness.
This would also make Jim’s sacrifice more emotional at the end. What if he wasn’t such a good guy? If he didn’t sacrifice anything for anyone, then had an arc and learned to, the ending would be magnificent. But as it stands, we know he’s the hero, he’s going to die, so he makes the sacrifice. Since we don’t know that much about him, I really didn’t feel any sympathy or excitement. Also, the denouement is very odd. It is introducing a new conflict between Tara and Claire as if starting another movie. But is Claire really in the mindset to fight after losing Jim? And again, I don’t understand what Tara’s motivations are. Does she want to stay in the pharmacy and wait it out? Is she really willing to kill Claire to do that?
I think the plot is there, but without three dimensional characters, the story suffers a lot. You’ve got a clear writing style, and the action is really great, but now what’s underneath needs to be as dynamic. read -
A review of NINJAS vs. ZOMBIESby sabin on 10/12/2007I loved that description... In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted... I loved that description...
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot (Hiro and Tina) which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out.
I thought the script could be a little punchier. Especially in transitions; (p 7) O’Malley says “Barstow, California,” maybe have this be a voice over as the sign appears. Some of the dialogue felt a little flat, especially between O’Mally and Susan. “Ask me that again and I’ll put you on my jet back to D.C.” Saying this out loud is hard to get the punch it needs (although I’m no actor!). I know he’s supposed to be bumbling, but maybe, “You’ll finish that question on a plane back to DC.” I don’t know. It just felt a little underdone because the tension was so low between them. I felt that it was the weakest of the plots, not just because there was no sock-em action, but the characters felt stiff and the conflict was extremely low. I liked the check dodging aspect of O’Mally and wanted more little quirks or traits to make him stand out. Also, he sort of disappears at the end. Maybe show him again in the plane during the denouement?
Ghost’s character was a little off-putting. Gangs are one of those things that aren’t (in my opinion) really a territory for tasteful comedy (like, the old saying goes, cancer). It’s a real problem, and gets made light of again and again by people with power rather than anyone providing real solutions. Aside from this, if he’s the most wanted gang leader, why would he be taking orders? It felt a little too gimmicky for me. Treading with stereotypes usually falls flat, as I feel it does in this story. The same with the “Hillbilly” and his reference to the Abner Louima case (which is still fresh in people’s minds). I liked how Hiro’s stereotypical dialogue was a front and wanted more more depth like this from the other characters. If you are extremely attached to keeping Ghost as a gang member, maybe there could be more at stake for him to make another layer to the story, say the prisoners chosen for the “experiment” happen to be people he knows.
I’m really unclear about Hiro and Tina’s first interaction/fight. Tina faults Hiro for leaving the Ofuwazi when his wife died, but it seems like a feud that intense would have something else underlying it. Tina said the world moved on, but clearly it didn’t if he’s willing to sacrifice his life to hold his grudge toward Hiro. After their fight, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. And Tina changed his mind without any provocation. Even if he thinks it over, I needed some space for him to do so.
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a plot and large subplot that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out as well as an internal struggle.
Altogether, I felt that the title (Zombies Versus Ninjas) is a major part of the script. A sort of play on the high concept. Such as Snakes on a Plane, you see the movie because you want to see... snakes on a plane. Like Jaws, the high concept has to deliver its title (or if it needs to be absurd, Jaws in Space, etc.). It’s good to bait a little, but the ninjas don’t appear to fight the zombies until p 75. It is fine to leave this for the last act, but I felt as though the set up took way too long since the story really shifts from Ghost being the main protagonist to Hiro being the protagonist.
But the fighting really has to be colorful and... I hate to say this, more imaginative! It’s there, but you just have to let us in on it more. When Tina “fights fifty zombies viciously,” we need to see the fight happen. Like the scene in the second Matrix, it doesn’t need to be choreographed out, but why not go for broke? I basically wanted to see p 92 throughout the entire script, not just in the climax.
One thing I thought would be great (and logical, since all the ninjas are dying) is a zombie ninja! Did I miss it? I double-checked. If the ninja are being killed by zombies, why aren’t they joining in to kill Hiro and Tina, providing an opponent that’s twice as deadly?In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a main plot (Ghost fighting the zombies) and large subplot (Bill O’Mally (friend of Bill O’Reilly?) and Susan Kelter (friend of Anne Coulter?) and Hiro) that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot (Hiro and Tina) which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out.
I thought the script could be a little punchier. Especially in transitions; (p 7) O’Malley says “Barstow, California,” maybe have this be a voice over as the sign appears. Some of the dialogue felt a little flat, especially between O’Mally and Susan. “Ask me that again and I’ll put you on my jet back to D.C.” Saying this out loud is hard to get the punch it needs (although I’m no actor!). I know he’s supposed to be bumbling, but maybe, “You’ll finish that question on a plane back to DC.” I don’t know. It just felt a little underdone because the tension was so low between them. I felt that it was the weakest of the plots, not just because there was no sock-em action, but the characters felt stiff and the conflict was extremely low. I liked the check dodging aspect of O’Mally and wanted more little quirks or traits to make him stand out. Also, he sort of disappears at the end. Maybe show him again in the plane during the denouement?
Ghost’s character was a little off-putting. Gangs are one of those things that aren’t (in my opinion) really a territory for tasteful comedy (like, the old saying goes, cancer). It’s a real problem, and gets made light of again and again by people with power rather than anyone providing real solutions. Aside from this, if he’s the most wanted gang leader, why would he be taking orders? It felt a little too gimmicky for me. Treading with stereotypes usually falls flat, as I feel it does in this story. The same with the “Hillbilly” and his reference to the Abner Louima case (which is still fresh in people’s minds). I liked how Hiro’s stereotypical dialogue was a front and wanted more more depth like this from the other characters. If you are extremely attached to keeping Ghost as a gang member, maybe there could be more at stake for him to make another layer to the story, say the prisoners chosen for the “experiment” happen to be people he knows.
I’m really unclear about Hiro and Tina’s first interaction/fight. Tina faults Hiro for leaving the Ofuwazi when his wife died, but it seems like a feud that intense would have something else underlying it. Tina said the world moved on, but clearly it didn’t if he’s willing to sacrifice his life to hold his grudge toward Hiro. After their fight, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. And Tina changed his mind without any provocation. Even if he thinks it over, I needed some space for him to do so.
In Zombies Vs. Ninjas, there is a plot and large subplot that runs throughout the entire course of the story. They both share approximately the same amount of time in the beginning, but the action from the subplot is diverted onto a third subplot which eventually ties in with the main story. For me, the Hiro plot worked the best. Hiro is the most well-rounded character and had the most at stake. He had surprises and felt as though his past was thought out as well as an internal struggle.
Altogether, I felt that the title (Zombies Versus Ninjas) is a major part of the script. A sort of play on the high concept. Such as Snakes on a Plane, you see the movie because you want to see... snakes on a plane. Like Jaws, the high concept has to deliver its title (or if it needs to be absurd, Jaws in Space, etc.). It’s good to bait a little, but the ninjas don’t appear to fight the zombies until p 75. It is fine to leave this for the last act, but I felt as though the set up took way too long since the story really shifts from Ghost being the main protagonist to Hiro being the protagonist.
But the fighting really has to be colorful and... I hate to say this, more imaginative! It’s there, but you just have to let us in on it more. When Tina “fights fifty zombies viciously,” we need to see the fight happen. Like the scene in the second Matrix, it doesn’t need to be choreographed out, but why not go for broke? I basically wanted to see p 92 throughout the entire script, not just in the climax.
One thing I thought would be great (and logical, since all the ninjas are dying) is a zombie ninja! Did I miss it? I double-checked. If the ninja are being killed by zombies, why aren’t they joining in to kill Hiro and Tina, providing an opponent that’s twice as deadly? read -
A review of Do Overby sabin on 09/19/2007The beginning of the story is a little confusing. It has a zany quality, a sort of slapstick college diaspora. It reminds me of a lot of eighties teen movies, where a breed of nerd really flourished and usually won out in the end. But there is so much going on, and so many characters that are too similar, it ends up being too many punchlines without enough set up. The cleaning... The beginning of the story is a little confusing. It has a zany quality, a sort of slapstick college diaspora. It reminds me of a lot of eighties teen movies, where a breed of nerd really flourished and usually won out in the end. But there is so much going on, and so many characters that are too similar, it ends up being too many punchlines without enough set up. The cleaning robot in the box, the mice, the mulch, the dog, the synthesizer are all punch lines. But the only set up is the laser game. Maybe push the elements together in a sort of Rube Goldberg style, where one causes the next in an almost random, chaotic sequence. Then these would lead into pushing the bigger elements, as Mark is late and misses his chance with Lindsey. By the end of the story, we learn that this process is more complicated than just one incident, and yet in his message it says not to hesitate on his way to meet Lindsey. These two messages conflict, yet are never put against each other or resolved.
If this cause and effect structure were more prominent, it would foreshadow the second half of the story, with the messages having much larger repercussions. I felt as though the second half of this story was really well structured, but that the first half felt too loose and unmotivated. I’m not sure if this is the effect that you are going for, but personally I became much more involved with the story toward the middle.
But back to the beginning!
Amidst this chaos, I really need more character to come out in the action. Slapstick gives a lot of opportunity to show character, remarkably. Think of how each of the Marx brothers act in a situation. They are really distinct, even without any speech. Groucho is witty and charming, Harpo is playful, bashful and flirty, Chico was headstrong and the “straight man” of the group.
Mark imagines himself quite the lady killer (detailed car, primping), but aligning a laser in a video game is one of the most unlady-killer-like things imaginable to me. I’m not saying you should be stereotypical, but maybe juxtapose Mark Jeff and Ripley’s personalities just a little more in the beginning.
I think the momentum in the beginning would also be a great way to bring about the inciting incident. Rather than have it be a decisive moment, it’s a snowball effect, where the smallest incident turns into something life changing for Mark, and the time machine is his quest to go back and fix the smallest detail in order to avoid the inciting incident altogether.
I think the introduction of Slater is appropriate, but I would intercut her story with Mark’s a little more. It almost seems to shift into becoming her story after setting up the main protagonist. If you take away the montage and scenes of the stock market trading, I think it would solve this problem. If you show her calling about stock prices, we understand what is happening. The montage becomes unnecessary information.
On p 27, I would keep the beats and action in the action segments. I’m not that much of a stickler for the rules of format, but it’s unclear what is meant here, since there is no change of emotion. I think ellipses would convey her longing and contemplation more effectively. I’m also not that much of a stickler for format, but I would keep the “serves” out of the dialogue.
On p 50 lightning has an “e” in it.
I’m really confused by Mark’s reaction when Noyther tells him his time machine works. It seems like he would be too ecstatic to care about somebody using it to their own personal advantage, or possibly angry that his teacher essentially took his work and actualized it while dissuading him. But he essentially sets out to stop her, as a hero should. But I don’t identify with him because it should be a difficult choice. He simply joins Noyther in stopping Slater and the story becomes too stereotypical. Mark is just too perfect.
His character is not sympathetic to me. Even his invention. Not just because he’s a student, but because it’s too easy for him in this story. He gets a whim and works out how to make a time machine. He never has any doubt, is never held back until Noyther tells him it’s science fiction. I really want to see him fight or struggle to get this and he doesn’t. Coupled with the fact that he’s handsome and nice and (arguably) the smartest guy on Earth. It actually keeps me from identifying with him because he’s too perfect and everything comes to him. When Noyther tells him he was right all along, he jumps up to stop the bad guy. It never feels authentic.
I really loved the ending. The action was succinct and moved the story along at a really nice pace. I would have loved if Mark’s message actually inspired Wells to write The Time Machine, because I love elliptical endings, but that’s purely personal.
I think the structure, especially when you play with time, becomes really interesting. But the character motivations are almost absent, other than Noyther wanting to save his daughter (in fact Mark seemed almost indifferent, or more concerned about his date at the beginning than her life!). Even Slater, who becomes the richest woman on Earth, never hires anyone to do her dirty work (I’m trying to picture Bill Gates running around with a gun on Mount Palomar...). I think with stronger characters this story will really shine. read -
A review of Plowed Underby sabin on 12/22/2006Technical issues: Here’s a few technical things I noticed. Character names are capitalized the first time they appear. After that, write them normally as proper nouns. Parentheticals are on their own lines, sandwiched between the character name and the dialogue. Anyone speaking into a phone should have “(into phone)” or something like this in the parenthetical. Anyone’s voice... Technical issues:
Here’s a few technical things I noticed. Character names are capitalized the first time they appear. After that, write them normally as proper nouns. Parentheticals are on their own lines, sandwiched between the character name and the dialogue. Anyone speaking into a phone should have “(into phone)” or something like this in the parenthetical. Anyone’s voice coming through the phone is off-screen, so put “(OS) to the right of their name.
The first thing that should appear is “FADE IN” justified to the right margin, then a slugline establishing where we are. Try to avoid camera direction, or things that take us out of the story, like “the lead.” These things are especially important in the beginning of the script, because a lot of readers will just toss this aside if the formatting is not correct.
Watch your punctuation! A lot of questions end with periods instead of question marks. Remember that you are writing in real time, so if someone enters a scene (i.e. Krista on p 7) write that she comes in right when she comes in. If you have a block of dialogue, and put “Meanwhile, Krista has entered” afterwards, the reader is forced to backtrack and wonder when this happened. As well, keep everything in the present tense. “Krista enters.”
Stylistically:
Avoid using “we.” “We follow Krista” This is essentially camera direction. Just focus on the plot.
There are a lot of question and answer sessions. They don’t really advance the plot and slow it down immensely. Mike and Chess, Joe and his workers, the people he talks to. Even in places where it works, there’s no conflict, i.e. when he calls for the weather. Conflict could be created if the “Man” didn’t want to give the conditions in Alaska, or started wondering why he needed them. That way, it would be foreshadowing as well as add tension to the scene. Also with Krista and Chess and Mike on p 69. Try to take out as many questions that try to advance the plot and turn them into dialogue. Especially when they relay old information that we already know.
The Story:
Initially, I was really bored. The beginning scenes are really mundane, which can be fine since you’re leading up to a turnaround, but revealing that Joe is growing weed doesn’t make an inciting incident. His life isn’t thrown anywhere new, just new information is revealed about him. The weather conditions, talking to the townsfolk, it didn’t put me in the world you’ve created, or advance the plot. Perhaps if Joe inherited or bought the farm (literally, not figuratively!) and had the opportunity or was forced to grow pot, then his situation would radically change.
The intercom system in the bunker seemed way to high-tech for such a place.
I thought it strange that Krista was calling for test results. Usually doctors call the patients to relay the news. Also, I don’t understand how Krista’s subplot fits in with the main plot of the film. It should counteract or reaffirm the main thread of the movie.
I like some of the witty dialogue. “A friendly neighbor with a piece strapped to his hip.” That’s great! (P.S. Shiraz is the wine name, not chiraz).
I really think Chess should be your protagonist. I say this because you focus on her a lot, especially after the script gets going. Also because I feel like she’s the most rounded character with the most at stake in the story. She’s torn between two worlds, her loyalty is split and her life is the most in crisis. Joe can get caught, but it’s something every drug runner faces. Not to sound trite, but we’ve seen it before. Cops involved in dirty business is something that happens often in the world, but is rarely seen in films. Treating her sympathetically, keeping the same plot, would add a lot more to the story, a very human element of mistrust and betrayal. Finding out that she’s playing both sides would make a great mid-act climax. Just something to consider. If you wanted to take the danger even further, you could have Chess replace Krista as the love interest, making the web even more complicated. What if she didn’t even know who he was?
There’s something really twisted about Joe serving Krista the wine he got from the cops. I really like this, because it’s almost like he’s mocking them in a way. Maybe you could even extend this into a metaphor of how he’s getting away with everything.
I really wanted the setting to come out more. In Fargo, it definitely feels like Fargo, the police force, the small town atmosphere, the dialect. I really wanted to be taken to the central Saskatchewan. I’ve never been there, but I really wanted more of a sense of place, not only with descriptions, but in personalities and mannerisms. I never got a real sense of place. The story felt as though it could be anywhere, any small town in Canada and the US. What you’re trying to say with this story should be universal, but the setting and characters need to have a little more specificity to be believable.
Chess’s confession on p 76 seemed totally out of nowhere and out of character. Why not play it off like she didn’t know? Why implicate herself after hiding for so long? It would be much more believable if she had some sort of crisis, or was backed into a corner. It’s a small farm community, everyone is close, why not try and cover up? I mean, how many pilots are there? And then she clubs him? Not only implicating herself, committing a felony (plus her first act of violence as well as the first in the story). Why not just say she had him work with them to get information? It just didn’t fit with the rest of the story to me. And then the schizophrenia really sets in. She wants to flee, then shows concern for her partner she just clubbed and tries to stop the plane.
The whole thing felt a little flat. I wanted more conflict, more twists, and more action. I needed to be taken to the Saskatchewan, and feel passionately for Joe. I think you have a good story, but the character motivations, the dialogue, and the structure held me at a distance, not letting me feel what they felt. It’s a great start, and with a little more work, I think you’ve got a really great story. Good luck with its future!
If you need any clarifications on anything here, or have any questions, please e-mail me at: presspermanent@yahoo.com read -
A review of God Plays Solitaireby sabin on 12/14/2006I loved the "public service announcement" style of this short. When everyone sits on the bench at the end... classic! This short was just great. Funny, well done, intelligent. The camera work was awesome. I loved the "quick zooms" and the psychic "auras" coming off people. My one complaint was the card floating in space. It just looked weird, and was hard to look at for such... I loved the "public service announcement" style of this short. When everyone sits on the bench at the end... classic!
This short was just great. Funny, well done, intelligent. The camera work was awesome. I loved the "quick zooms" and the psychic "auras" coming off people.
My one complaint was the card floating in space. It just looked weird, and was hard to look at for such a long time. The computer voice seemed strange too. Why not put another actor in? It looks like you have a good stable of people to work with...
My only other criticism was the voice over at the beginning. The main character's acting was great in the scene, but the voice over didn't pull me in, it seemed a little flat. Maybe rework it to have more of a single tone. It seemed a little sprawling, I wasn't sure where it was going.
The color seemed a little washed out. Maybe it's just the digital uploading. I don't know, something to think about.
As a whole, though, I loved this. I was laughing out loud. When the girl knitting starts dancing: classic.
Oh! One more thing. How does the first guy who has the power to make people think they're psychic know the name of the girls? Unless he's psychic too... oh, the mystery!
GREAT JOB! One of the best I've seen here. Congratulations! read -
A review of Exile on Dream Streetby sabin on 12/13/2006The dialogue between Lou and Claire has an air of formality and unfamiliarity in it. His musings on dreams sound as if he’s just met her for the first time. The same with Lou talking to Edward. I think the Lily dialogue is fairly successful just because of its quirkiness; her showing up at his home in the morning. I get that the “dream discussion” is a set up for the main... The dialogue between Lou and Claire has an air of formality and unfamiliarity in it. His musings on dreams sound as if he’s just met her for the first time. The same with Lou talking to Edward. I think the Lily dialogue is fairly successful just because of its quirkiness; her showing up at his home in the morning.
I get that the “dream discussion” is a set up for the main plot, but it’s... I don’t want to say boring, but mundane. There’s no real conflict. A tension, yes, but I get the feeling that Lou should be more of a dreamer, or dissatisfied with his situation in life. But his character comes across a little flat. Consider adding a little more punch to his dialogue, or more of a nag and ignore situation between him and his wife. Maybe if we had more foreshadowing, i.e. talk about a recurring dream (which would add a past or phobia to work on) or incident that could turn up later when Lou is talking to/”impersonating” Louis.
I think Louis explains too much. I want more mystery in what just happened after the crash. Don’t put all your cards on the table right away. Bluff a little to pull the audience in.
Make sure you proof read your grammar. To in place of for, or “you’re” instead of your on p 25. “You” instead of “your” on p 42, etc.
The dialogue feels very Victorian to me. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Terms like “my dear,” “my friend” and “love” seem a little formal and stilted. Try hearing it out loud.
I like Lily’s dream. It lets a little comedy in. The pilot’s monologue is hilarious.
I really like the concept of this script. The idea that every person has a doppleganger acting out their dreams together is really great. I almost wish that there was some secret with this world, maybe you could add something with how nightmares are different from regular dreams (building off the dialogue from the beginning?).
There’s no real antagonist to work against Lou. It makes me want more for him to work against. He seems to accept the fact that he’s in a coma... shouldn’t he be fighting and trying to find a way out? His life is at stake and he’s just enjoying the dream world. Maybe it’s allure could be the antagonistic force, seducing him to stay in the dream world rather than wake up?
Mainly I wanted Lou to have more motivation. He wants to stay in the dream world, but why? It’s never clear. He’s happy, but I wanted to see something in his character, something he needed to learn to be able to escape. Somewhat like Groundhog’s Day, where Bill Murray must realize something within his character to be able to escape. At first he has fun, he loves it. But it goes terribly awry. The story never really reaches that point. Louis gets mad that Lou is ruining his job, but I wanted to see something within Lou to make him want to stay or change. When Lily asks him if he’s had a life altering experience on p 92, I felt like the answer was “no.”
A quick logical point, I don’t understand how Lou can get stabbed and be fine, yet get a concussion in the dream world.
Lou’s really a despicable guy by p 102. He’s left his wife, telling her he’s never loved her. He’s messed up the dream world, started fights and never really gives us what he’s after. It’s not a very good place for your protagonist toward the end ot the story.
I like the part in the third act where Lou is trying to go back into the coma and trying not to sleep. I feel like this could have the most repercussions for funny, tender, bizarre situations. Maybe consider making this the act two turnaround? Lou exiting the coma and trying to get back in?
The ending felt empty to me. I’m not exactly sure what happened (I guess I’m not supposed to). But I feel like this is where Lou actually realizes what a bastard he’s been (he basically committed suicide, or got his “dream self” to) and I really wanted to see what this did to him.
All in all, it’s a great concept. I think a little more care with the characters; how they speak, motivations, subtext and back story, as well as a really clear antagonist that pushes Lou to his absolute limits is imperative. Good luck with it! read -
A review of The Sons of Thunderby sabin on 12/10/2006I like the beginning. It’s intelligent, witty and immediately immerses me in the world of your characters. I would even consider stretching this into your entire first act, so that we get to know them a little better. We see their first meeting, they go to a bar, she joins a cult. Wham! I’d like to see how this happened, let the characters breathe a little. And... I like the beginning. It’s intelligent, witty and immediately immerses me in the world of your characters. I would even consider stretching this into your entire first act, so that we get to know them a little better. We see their first meeting, they go to a bar, she joins a cult. Wham! I’d like to see how this happened, let the characters breathe a little. And I would really love to have more description to assign to the witty banter.
I’m not sure a general audience would know what “Fade In” means. Most anyone reading it will get it, but the image alone, I’m picturing it on the screen and it seems a little obscure. Since Jason’s writing career pretty much disappears in the story, maybe cut this scene altogether.
The beginning clips a lot with the flashback. The inciting incident happens here, which feels a little odd. But what really feels odd to me is that we don’t actually see it happen. If in a flashback mode, why not show Grace joining the cult? The imagery is great, but it’s done through dialogue. I want to see the image of Grace with the bible in-between them on the bed.
In fact, I think the drive alone warrants a solid beginning by itself. When they arrive at the “compound” a mystery is set in the mind of the viewer. What are they doing here? Then elaborate.
So, first off, I have to say, this is a great read. Unfortunately, it is not a good script. I say this, because I never felt cinematic moments, anything really visual in the story. In fact, it almost seems like a great challenge to filmmakers. A lot of the paranormal activity is left up to the imagination, or requiring research to visualize. And then, of course, you have dialogue such as “Hole-y bible” and action lines such as “His malign grimace is fraught with menace” that only makes sense on paper. Yes, I know what these mean, but how do you film them, act them, experience them?
I like the story. You are an excellent writer. But the script really felt like a monologue or an essay, I’m sorry to say. I liked it, I loved the dialogue, but would enjoy listening to it as a book on tape, reading it in a longer story unrestricted by visual elements, or as something broader...
But beyond this, the main thing that hurt this story was a lack of conflict. It was almost nonexistent in a story that seems so ripe for internal and external conflict, especially the internal.
p 37 is the first time inner conflict comes into play. For me, it’s a little late. Between Grace forsaking her philosophy for a cult, Jason trying to write the great American screenplay, and George embracing his new energy, there is a lack of conflict between anyone in the script, either internal or external.
The first real external conflict besides Grace and George happens on p 80 in the form of a physical fight between George and Dr. Constant. This fight seems almost comical, because I feel like the conflict has been suppressed for so long that it comes out in a burst in the most inappropriate place. I understand Dr. Constant is an antagonistic force, but for a psychiatrist to jump at his client over a soliloquy? It may be his job, but he’s right, he doesn’t have to listen. Why not walk out? Or tranquilize him?
Then we go into it with Mr. Sykes. The script has gone from exposition to good versus evil in a very simplistic way. I’m not trying to be harsh, but the “Nazi experiments” and “nut house” are clichés that have been in place for a long time. Why not make Americorp alluring? Attract George’s intellect with someone who can match wits with him? What if they recruited Grace to get them to join? It wouldn’t be a far leap. Mr. Sykes’ moustache twirling just seemed tired. Especially when he turned up in Sondra’s flower garden.
I really think you’ve got the beginning of something here. Wildly imaginative, witty, and smart, with a little more thoughtfulness into the craft, I think you can structure a skeleton under the beautiful clothes you’ve made. Good luck with this script! read -
A review of Father Max Rev. 2by sabin on 10/11/2006This script is wonderfully researched and beautifully descriptive. It puts the reader directly in the seat of the action without overly describing details. Excellent writing. The inciting incident in this script is interesting. In a sense, it’s WW2, looming over Poland, but personified in the Nazis. In my opinion, if it were somehow symbolized from the beginning, or foreshadowed... This script is wonderfully researched and beautifully descriptive. It puts the reader directly in the seat of the action without overly describing details. Excellent writing.
The inciting incident in this script is interesting. In a sense, it’s WW2, looming over Poland, but personified in the Nazis. In my opinion, if it were somehow symbolized from the beginning, or foreshadowed even by people surrounding the main characters, it would give the beginning a little more push. In the first ten minutes there isn’t enough to grab on to to make the imminent story really hook the viewer in. Perhaps even connect the events of WW2 to Poland’s current situation, or recent events that mirror and carry on everything that happened in the not too distant past?
I think a tie-in would also give an opportunity for a subplot, which I feel this story could benefit from. The action and the flow are excellent, but that’s actually the reason a subplot could help. It would take us out of the story; the desperation, the violence, and the graphic plight and give a breather, not only to take a break from the situation, but to involve us more when the story comes back (a sort of push and pull). This would also help to ease up the second act, which grows slowly, but feels a tad repetitive. Although I think the developing relationship between Francis and Father Max helps keep it fresh.
Father Max is a very well-rounded protagonist in that he’s sort of caught in the middle. This is very refreshing in a WW2 script, since most have a cut and dry good guys vs. bad, Nazi vs. America. It’s even more resonant being in Poland, a country really caught in the middle of the war, so that Father Max sort of embodies Polish sentiment during that time. It’s a great externalizing of the internal conflict he’s dealing with.
However, and this might be too much of a cliché, but I think a questioning of his faith would add a very strong dimension to his story, especially since so many people are looking up to him and he’s such a strong leader. But I think it would make the prayer at the end even more powerful; he’s overcoming the torture he’s been put through, helping the other nine with him, but ALSO overcoming his own personal spiritual questioning and attempts to shake who he is out of him.
One last thing, maybe this is too farfetched, but I just thought about it. What if Francis brought the Pope a tomato in the beginning? It would be a sort of mystery, or a question in the back of the mind of the viewer, but it symbolizes so much in the story, and might also show that Father Max’s legacy is still alive, still growing? I don’t know, that’s just me.
Great story! It’s heartbreaking, intense, but well put together and poignant. Congratulations on a job well done.
(P.S. Sorry this review took so long! I just had a big move and haven’t had time to read your script with the attention it demanded!) read -
A review of The Keeperby sabin on 10/10/2006I think this short could have been better. I mean, the animation was great (and this coming from someone who loathes CGI) but I felt that there was so much more that could have been done. I just feel as though this could have been made with real people just as easily. Animation (in my opinion) should be able to take us somewhere we can't go. Flying, magic, talking animals,... I think this short could have been better. I mean, the animation was great (and this coming from someone who loathes CGI) but I felt that there was so much more that could have been done.
I just feel as though this could have been made with real people just as easily. Animation (in my opinion) should be able to take us somewhere we can't go. Flying, magic, talking animals, or finding Nemo. Whatever it is, I want to be transported. But this short felt too claustrophobic.
I also didn't really understand it. Maybe I missed something, but the lighthouse keeper killing the bird(?) made absolutely no sense to me. Maybe it died on its own?
Anyways, great animation. Just needs a little more ingenuity and whimsy to really help the viewer go somewhere. read
Comments About sabin 10
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vvg on 12/08/2009
Hey Sabin, some of us are getting together in NY on Tues Dec 15th. Check out the thread, Hey All you New Yorkers! Love to have you join us for drinks! -
jwest on 02/07/2008
Hey? Did I just comment, comment twice?
What the . . . Dickens? Hmm . . . :-s
Doh. -
jwest on 02/07/2008
Hey Sabin,
How did your launch do go? Sorry, I forgot to ask ya!
Hope it went well - any news or feedback?
;D -
jwest on 02/07/2008
Hey Sabin,
How did your do go? Sorry, I forgot to ask ya!
Hope it went well - any news or feedback?
;D -
XPOSED99 on 01/11/2008
Hey, you ... that's wild: listin' yourself as your own fave, which also makes you a link to yourself. Damn, you're ahead of your time, baby! "And the beat goes on ... "
:) J. -
bloodmeridian2004 on 10/15/2007
Thx for the kudos. It's been a fun week. -
buttfrogger on 10/12/2007
thanks for the review! hope ny is treating you well. -
Gary Wright on 09/18/2007
Hey Sabin,
As always, when someone invests so much thought in my scribblings, I'm humbled and grateful.
I've been the beneficiary of a lot of good guidance from a lot of smart people on this site, but yours is outstanding! Without trying to take the story out of my hands, or turn it into a cookie-cutter spec, you've nudged my brain in some very interesting directions, which I can see will make for a stronger script.
I haven't worked on Fifty-Fifty in several months because I've been focused on another project, but when I come back to it, your review will definitely be with me. You rock, dude!
cheers,
Gary -
Rachel Stevens on 09/17/2007
Thanks, Sabin. As they say, even a blind hog can find an acorn if it snuffles about long enough. . . or something like that.
Rachel -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/07/2007
Thanks for the congrats!
Write on!
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Comments About sabin 10
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Quote
Hey Sabin, some of us are getting together in NY on Tues Dec 15th. Check out the thread, Hey All you New Yorkers! Love to have you join us for drinks!
-
Quote
Hey? Did I just comment, comment twice?
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Quote
Hey Sabin,
+ more commentsvvg on 12/08/2009
jwest on 02/07/2008
What the . . . Dickens? Hmm . . . :-s
Doh.
jwest on 02/07/2008
How did your launch do go? Sorry, I forgot to ask ya!
Hope it went well - any news or feedback?
;D