Sanjuro The BAMF
member since 03/05/2008 |
last login 02/09/2012
I am a connoisseur of high quality works such as Le Samourai and Youtube Poop. I like potatoes and often discuss the rich history of the tuberous crop with family and friends, much to their ennui. My favorite singer is Bob Dylan,...
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I am a connoisseur of high quality works such as Le Samourai and Youtube Poop. I like potatoes and often discuss the rich history of the tuberous crop with family and friends, much to their ennui. My favorite singer is Bob Dylan, although it's for his hair. The fact that he's a singer does not correlate with why I like him (for his hair). I drive a cardboard Maserati Spyder with a quad-core Alienware PC that I use in concert with bi-weekly mobile LAN parties I host with my friends (who happen to be invisible).
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Reviews by Sanjuro The BAMF 38
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A review of Frat Boys from Outer Spaceby Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/19/2009Am I right or wrong when I ask if this script was written in a spree? It’s not a bad thing (look how long it took Paul Schrader to write Taxi Driver), but it seemed like many details were put in as soon as they were thought out. The feeling I got is that the script was written by someone who has an almost instinctual sense of story and structure, but didn’t put much effort... Am I right or wrong when I ask if this script was written in a spree? It’s not a bad thing (look how long it took Paul Schrader to write Taxi Driver), but it seemed like many details were put in as soon as they were thought out. The feeling I got is that the script was written by someone who has an almost instinctual sense of story and structure, but didn’t put much effort or enthusiasm into the script itself. The main point is, it gave the impression that it was written on the go, without an outline or other reference. When it came to the formatting, everything was spotless and clearly by a master of the craft.
Now onto the less negative aspects. You utilized your imagination very well. You didn’t take it to the extreme, such as making the Gravalaxians really alien, so much that they look less like humans more like tangerines (I had to pick something). The thumbnail you used, the one with the brownish aliens with silver outfits, was probably not a good idea to use, as that is how I envision the two guys, even when they’re in human form. I like how you completely toss out any scientific logic, because that kind of stuff does not belong in a comedy.
Gorgonzol is the kind of protagonist that some audience members will roll their eyes at. He’s bright, but ineffectual and clueless. But seeing as this isn’t intended to be an award winner or a critics’ favorite, he doesn’t lack the qualities to be the lead character. Rihchota (I probably spelled it wrong) is too much like Gorgonzol to distinguish himself. Give him some traits that differentiates him from the main character. Chloe and Lizzie were interchangeable. I had trouble remembering who was going out with whom. Chad and Gill are by the book stereotypes. Sometimes cliché characters are necessary, because their entire sphere is established quickly, saving time that could have been unnecessarily spent on developing their characters. Chad was really lame, and we didn’t need to be reminded how snobby and posh he was every time he entered a scene. Gill disappeared for about forty pages, then came back when the “dudes” decided they had to stop him blowing up the planet. He was a really weak antagonist.
The displacement between water and beer was amusing, as was the wordplay with the miners. Some of the twists, or revelations, were unexpected. I think some people will be unhappy with the cliché college vegans. Vegans already get enough flak, for whatever reason their detractors can find. Several of the jokes were milked dry, mostly the water-beer contrast and the confusion between France and Croatia. The biggest concern is that some of the humor is aiming for an R-rating, while the rest is something you can find in a family film. Go one way or the other, preferably the latter.
The script has a good base to build on. The structure and story, aside from a few necessary fixes, are workable. It’s not choke-to-death funny, but it’s humorous. I noticed the script was posted more than two years ago, so I don’t even know if you read the newer reviews. I hope this helped a bit.
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A review of JOE AND THE UFO (Rev)by Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/16/2009There is way too much going on in this script. I found myself lost or confused on more than a few occasions. It felt like you were writing it on the go, instead of outlining the story before filling it in with details. It’s 115 pages, but I see only 60 pages worth of content. So many scenes can be done without. The number one problem is that you have too many characters... There is way too much going on in this script. I found myself lost or confused on more than a few occasions. It felt like you were writing it on the go, instead of outlining the story before filling it in with details. It’s 115 pages, but I see only 60 pages worth of content. So many scenes can be done without.
The number one problem is that you have too many characters. It’s almost like a running gag. Just when you think the script already has more than enough, a new person is introduced. I’ll list the ones I can remember: Joe Lucky, Lucky the Dog, Emma (or was it Meg or Summer?), Rachel, CIA Bill (strange name), Tiny Tim (my favorite of the bunch, reminded me of Andre the Giant), the Zoots, Billy Batty, General Taylor, Julie One Owl, Max, Sheriff Ortega, Gracie—yeah, I’m lost. I’ll repeat it again: too many characters. I usually tell someone they need to get rid of a few, or at most half, of their characters. But in this case, you can do without sixty to seventy-five percent of them. Get rid of the ones who do nothing of importance. I’m talking about the passive observers.
So many of the characters talk the same. It’s most prominent in the Hispanic-American locals, who interweave Spanish pejoratives with otherwise normal English. As a California native in a city with roughly twenty-five percent being of Hispanic or partly Hispanic descent, none of my friends talk like that. In fact, it’s more of a cliché. Okay, I get that that may be the point, but a lot of people are going to be either offended or annoyed by it. The suits and uniforms (government and military folks) don’t have the demeanor that they should have. They should be assertive and manipulative, but here they are “respecting” Joe’s rights. Maybe that’s realistic, but… screw realism.
Joe Lucky would work great as a supporting character, but he does not carry the charisma or clout to be the star. He’s noble for his belief in the personal rights of the visitors, but aside from his obsession with aliens, not much else to him. It would be nice to see his wife and daughter (who keeps changing names for some reason, or is it her doll that comes to life?) actually do something. Instead, they sit around and eventually leave. Why is Joe so ardent about protecting the UFO? Give us at least one or two scenes of flashbacks that led to him becoming what he is. They don’t have to be flashbacks; they can also have him discussing his reasons. This is where it’s extremely important to not come off as contrived. The audience needs to believe Joe is being honest and genuine. Don’t manufacture his motive.
This is supposed to be a story about a UFO and Joe’s attempt to commence World War III. Well, that’s what the synopsis said. It’s a comedy, and it carries to the tone of a comedy, but there’s not a lot to laugh at. It may just be my taste, but I didn’t crack up once. Maybe I smiled at a few things, but no laughs.
Just as with most screenplays, or any artistic work for that matter, the strongpoint is the concept. It’s not eye-popping and enticing, but it’s simple and has potential, which is exactly what’s desired by the industry. Like most artistic works, it fails to execute the concept properly. It meanders, sometimes forgetting what it should even be about. I couldn’t discern whether or not this was supposed to promote Christianity. It’s best to avoid implementing any existing religions into your story. The film industry is very secular. Even those who are religious themselves tend to avoid religious works. It has an interesting comment: denying the existing of aliens is also denying the creativity of God. It’s a great aside, but to use that idea to drive the entire story is not very great.
If this script wants to meet its potential (which is determined by the value of the concept), then it needs a major rework. You’re can’t just remodel it. You’re going to have to tear it down and rebuild it. But, with the knowledge you gained writing it the first time, it’s almost a scientific impossibility that the second time around will be worse.
NOTES:
Page 12: You’re probably going to get some criticism for writing the typed messages as if they are dialogue. But, if the screenplay for The Matrix did it effectively, you can too.
Page 83: The audience won’t know about the woman’s legend. read -
A review of blood stream (second draft)by Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/30/2009Problem number one: there is no central protagonist or ensemble of protagonists. I certainly hope McCarthy wasn’t intended to be the protagonist. He makes a great villain, mostly because most people would want to inflict upon him a slow death. It’s like he hacks reality, as he has the upper hand at all times. If someone gets in his way, bang bang, problem solved. Going away... Problem number one: there is no central protagonist or ensemble of protagonists. I certainly hope McCarthy wasn’t intended to be the protagonist. He makes a great villain, mostly because most people would want to inflict upon him a slow death. It’s like he hacks reality, as he has the upper hand at all times. If someone gets in his way, bang bang, problem solved. Going away from that, there are other major issues with this script.
The plot is confusing and incongruent. The first forty pages make it seem like a story about a man and his wife and their plan to inherit the fortune of a dying billionaire. I guess that money is needed for McCarthy’s labyrinthine scheme to work, but making it a subplot on its own just gives the impression that this is the focus of the story. Okay, billionaire dies, and now we have his bodyguards left. With their value to the plot in mind, they are disproportionately represented in screen time. They shouldn’t be treated as secondary characters. I mean they die in a car explosion like nobody’s business. I had no clue McCarthy was a medical professional, nor did I know anything about the epidemic scheme, until dozens of pages in.
There are way too many characters. Not only that, they all speak the same, except for McCarthy, who talks like a jackass. Somehow, I have a strong feeling all of them are connected together in some complex manner, but I unfortunately must have missed it. Whether or not that’s true, half the characters can easily be axed without the story suffering. I also noticed the emphasis on several characters’ race. If I remember correctly, McCarthy was seeking revenge (or was feigning it) against the government for spreading diseases among blacks. If this is supposed to give McCarthy a motive (or in the case of him bullshitting his stance on justice, leverage), then it needs to be presented more clearly. It’s given a hand wave, dismissed as immaterial like the Royale with Cheese conversation in Pulp Fiction. But back to the point; unless a character really needs to be a certain ethnicity, then leave it. The more attributes you give to a character, the fewer actors there will be who can play them.
What’s the point of the story? Basically, what’s the theme and message? Even the most abstract and frivolous works have something to say. I don’t know what the point of this script is. It might be about greed, since none of this would have likely happened if McCarthy were interested in money. It might be about vengeance, because McCarthy’s father was apparently screwed over. None of what’s happening in the script is clear, and that’s what makes it such a weak read. Before rewriting, you need to consider what the maximum potential for this story is. If you work and keep working on it until it literally cannot improve any further, will it be worth the effort even at that point? The potential for a story is based on its concept, and the concept for this story isn’t of the highest echelon. Even within the span of one year, you will conceive of several possible films. Some of them are likely to have more potential than this one, so don’t linger on one script, because a better idea will come in time. Otherwise, congratulate yourself for having the discipline and patience to complete something.
NOTES:
Page 43: “Apparently Mr. Stoneface was in no mood for humor.” Best get rid of it. It doesn’t work.
Page 64: What is Curt doing on this page?
Page 73: “McCarthy was nowhere around.” Absolutely no past tense is recommended.
Page 93: “McCarthy regards the FBI director.” You need to ask yourself if lines like these add anything. You can’t visualize what McCarthy is feeling, thinking, or gesturing from this line. There are more lines like this one in the script.
You either stick with a character’s first name or their last name. If a character is important, don’t give them generic titles like “Police Chief” or “President.” Use their real names.
There are grammatical errors throughout the script. Scan through it to make sure you fix every last misspelling. read
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Submissions by Sanjuro The BAMF
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Reviews by Sanjuro The BAMF 38
-
A review of Frat Boys from Outer Spaceby Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/19/2009Am I right or wrong when I ask if this script was written in a spree? It’s not a bad thing (look how long it took Paul Schrader to write Taxi Driver), but it seemed like many details were put in as soon as they were thought out. The feeling I got is that the script was written by someone who has an almost instinctual sense of story and structure, but didn’t put much effort... Am I right or wrong when I ask if this script was written in a spree? It’s not a bad thing (look how long it took Paul Schrader to write Taxi Driver), but it seemed like many details were put in as soon as they were thought out. The feeling I got is that the script was written by someone who has an almost instinctual sense of story and structure, but didn’t put much effort or enthusiasm into the script itself. The main point is, it gave the impression that it was written on the go, without an outline or other reference. When it came to the formatting, everything was spotless and clearly by a master of the craft.
Now onto the less negative aspects. You utilized your imagination very well. You didn’t take it to the extreme, such as making the Gravalaxians really alien, so much that they look less like humans more like tangerines (I had to pick something). The thumbnail you used, the one with the brownish aliens with silver outfits, was probably not a good idea to use, as that is how I envision the two guys, even when they’re in human form. I like how you completely toss out any scientific logic, because that kind of stuff does not belong in a comedy.
Gorgonzol is the kind of protagonist that some audience members will roll their eyes at. He’s bright, but ineffectual and clueless. But seeing as this isn’t intended to be an award winner or a critics’ favorite, he doesn’t lack the qualities to be the lead character. Rihchota (I probably spelled it wrong) is too much like Gorgonzol to distinguish himself. Give him some traits that differentiates him from the main character. Chloe and Lizzie were interchangeable. I had trouble remembering who was going out with whom. Chad and Gill are by the book stereotypes. Sometimes cliché characters are necessary, because their entire sphere is established quickly, saving time that could have been unnecessarily spent on developing their characters. Chad was really lame, and we didn’t need to be reminded how snobby and posh he was every time he entered a scene. Gill disappeared for about forty pages, then came back when the “dudes” decided they had to stop him blowing up the planet. He was a really weak antagonist.
The displacement between water and beer was amusing, as was the wordplay with the miners. Some of the twists, or revelations, were unexpected. I think some people will be unhappy with the cliché college vegans. Vegans already get enough flak, for whatever reason their detractors can find. Several of the jokes were milked dry, mostly the water-beer contrast and the confusion between France and Croatia. The biggest concern is that some of the humor is aiming for an R-rating, while the rest is something you can find in a family film. Go one way or the other, preferably the latter.
The script has a good base to build on. The structure and story, aside from a few necessary fixes, are workable. It’s not choke-to-death funny, but it’s humorous. I noticed the script was posted more than two years ago, so I don’t even know if you read the newer reviews. I hope this helped a bit.
read -
A review of JOE AND THE UFO (Rev)by Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/16/2009There is way too much going on in this script. I found myself lost or confused on more than a few occasions. It felt like you were writing it on the go, instead of outlining the story before filling it in with details. It’s 115 pages, but I see only 60 pages worth of content. So many scenes can be done without. The number one problem is that you have too many characters... There is way too much going on in this script. I found myself lost or confused on more than a few occasions. It felt like you were writing it on the go, instead of outlining the story before filling it in with details. It’s 115 pages, but I see only 60 pages worth of content. So many scenes can be done without.
The number one problem is that you have too many characters. It’s almost like a running gag. Just when you think the script already has more than enough, a new person is introduced. I’ll list the ones I can remember: Joe Lucky, Lucky the Dog, Emma (or was it Meg or Summer?), Rachel, CIA Bill (strange name), Tiny Tim (my favorite of the bunch, reminded me of Andre the Giant), the Zoots, Billy Batty, General Taylor, Julie One Owl, Max, Sheriff Ortega, Gracie—yeah, I’m lost. I’ll repeat it again: too many characters. I usually tell someone they need to get rid of a few, or at most half, of their characters. But in this case, you can do without sixty to seventy-five percent of them. Get rid of the ones who do nothing of importance. I’m talking about the passive observers.
So many of the characters talk the same. It’s most prominent in the Hispanic-American locals, who interweave Spanish pejoratives with otherwise normal English. As a California native in a city with roughly twenty-five percent being of Hispanic or partly Hispanic descent, none of my friends talk like that. In fact, it’s more of a cliché. Okay, I get that that may be the point, but a lot of people are going to be either offended or annoyed by it. The suits and uniforms (government and military folks) don’t have the demeanor that they should have. They should be assertive and manipulative, but here they are “respecting” Joe’s rights. Maybe that’s realistic, but… screw realism.
Joe Lucky would work great as a supporting character, but he does not carry the charisma or clout to be the star. He’s noble for his belief in the personal rights of the visitors, but aside from his obsession with aliens, not much else to him. It would be nice to see his wife and daughter (who keeps changing names for some reason, or is it her doll that comes to life?) actually do something. Instead, they sit around and eventually leave. Why is Joe so ardent about protecting the UFO? Give us at least one or two scenes of flashbacks that led to him becoming what he is. They don’t have to be flashbacks; they can also have him discussing his reasons. This is where it’s extremely important to not come off as contrived. The audience needs to believe Joe is being honest and genuine. Don’t manufacture his motive.
This is supposed to be a story about a UFO and Joe’s attempt to commence World War III. Well, that’s what the synopsis said. It’s a comedy, and it carries to the tone of a comedy, but there’s not a lot to laugh at. It may just be my taste, but I didn’t crack up once. Maybe I smiled at a few things, but no laughs.
Just as with most screenplays, or any artistic work for that matter, the strongpoint is the concept. It’s not eye-popping and enticing, but it’s simple and has potential, which is exactly what’s desired by the industry. Like most artistic works, it fails to execute the concept properly. It meanders, sometimes forgetting what it should even be about. I couldn’t discern whether or not this was supposed to promote Christianity. It’s best to avoid implementing any existing religions into your story. The film industry is very secular. Even those who are religious themselves tend to avoid religious works. It has an interesting comment: denying the existing of aliens is also denying the creativity of God. It’s a great aside, but to use that idea to drive the entire story is not very great.
If this script wants to meet its potential (which is determined by the value of the concept), then it needs a major rework. You’re can’t just remodel it. You’re going to have to tear it down and rebuild it. But, with the knowledge you gained writing it the first time, it’s almost a scientific impossibility that the second time around will be worse.
NOTES:
Page 12: You’re probably going to get some criticism for writing the typed messages as if they are dialogue. But, if the screenplay for The Matrix did it effectively, you can too.
Page 83: The audience won’t know about the woman’s legend. read -
A review of blood stream (second draft)by Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/30/2009Problem number one: there is no central protagonist or ensemble of protagonists. I certainly hope McCarthy wasn’t intended to be the protagonist. He makes a great villain, mostly because most people would want to inflict upon him a slow death. It’s like he hacks reality, as he has the upper hand at all times. If someone gets in his way, bang bang, problem solved. Going away... Problem number one: there is no central protagonist or ensemble of protagonists. I certainly hope McCarthy wasn’t intended to be the protagonist. He makes a great villain, mostly because most people would want to inflict upon him a slow death. It’s like he hacks reality, as he has the upper hand at all times. If someone gets in his way, bang bang, problem solved. Going away from that, there are other major issues with this script.
The plot is confusing and incongruent. The first forty pages make it seem like a story about a man and his wife and their plan to inherit the fortune of a dying billionaire. I guess that money is needed for McCarthy’s labyrinthine scheme to work, but making it a subplot on its own just gives the impression that this is the focus of the story. Okay, billionaire dies, and now we have his bodyguards left. With their value to the plot in mind, they are disproportionately represented in screen time. They shouldn’t be treated as secondary characters. I mean they die in a car explosion like nobody’s business. I had no clue McCarthy was a medical professional, nor did I know anything about the epidemic scheme, until dozens of pages in.
There are way too many characters. Not only that, they all speak the same, except for McCarthy, who talks like a jackass. Somehow, I have a strong feeling all of them are connected together in some complex manner, but I unfortunately must have missed it. Whether or not that’s true, half the characters can easily be axed without the story suffering. I also noticed the emphasis on several characters’ race. If I remember correctly, McCarthy was seeking revenge (or was feigning it) against the government for spreading diseases among blacks. If this is supposed to give McCarthy a motive (or in the case of him bullshitting his stance on justice, leverage), then it needs to be presented more clearly. It’s given a hand wave, dismissed as immaterial like the Royale with Cheese conversation in Pulp Fiction. But back to the point; unless a character really needs to be a certain ethnicity, then leave it. The more attributes you give to a character, the fewer actors there will be who can play them.
What’s the point of the story? Basically, what’s the theme and message? Even the most abstract and frivolous works have something to say. I don’t know what the point of this script is. It might be about greed, since none of this would have likely happened if McCarthy were interested in money. It might be about vengeance, because McCarthy’s father was apparently screwed over. None of what’s happening in the script is clear, and that’s what makes it such a weak read. Before rewriting, you need to consider what the maximum potential for this story is. If you work and keep working on it until it literally cannot improve any further, will it be worth the effort even at that point? The potential for a story is based on its concept, and the concept for this story isn’t of the highest echelon. Even within the span of one year, you will conceive of several possible films. Some of them are likely to have more potential than this one, so don’t linger on one script, because a better idea will come in time. Otherwise, congratulate yourself for having the discipline and patience to complete something.
NOTES:
Page 43: “Apparently Mr. Stoneface was in no mood for humor.” Best get rid of it. It doesn’t work.
Page 64: What is Curt doing on this page?
Page 73: “McCarthy was nowhere around.” Absolutely no past tense is recommended.
Page 93: “McCarthy regards the FBI director.” You need to ask yourself if lines like these add anything. You can’t visualize what McCarthy is feeling, thinking, or gesturing from this line. There are more lines like this one in the script.
You either stick with a character’s first name or their last name. If a character is important, don’t give them generic titles like “Police Chief” or “President.” Use their real names.
There are grammatical errors throughout the script. Scan through it to make sure you fix every last misspelling. read -
A review of Anorexia Nervosaby Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/20/2009I’m not sure the concept is exactly all too compelling. In fact, the concept is the weakest attribute of the script. The protagonist is not likeable; not because of her anorexia, but because she comes across as selfish and obnoxious. She’s a teen, but there is such thing as going too far. I would have preferred if this script were centered on Cora, because Whitney can’t hold... I’m not sure the concept is exactly all too compelling. In fact, the concept is the weakest attribute of the script. The protagonist is not likeable; not because of her anorexia, but because she comes across as selfish and obnoxious. She’s a teen, but there is such thing as going too far. I would have preferred if this script were centered on Cora, because Whitney can’t hold her own as a strong, deep character. Perhaps Whitney isn’t supposed to be likeable. At least good unlikable characters have quirks or incredible personalities. Whitney… she was a sarcastic teenage anorexic.
Leandra decides too easily to put her daughter ahead of her career. Her husband must have been a great salesperson before his military career. I like the way you implemented the clay sculpture, as a sign that Whitney isn’t going to forget Cora any time soon. Now there’s the problem; Whitney and Cora didn’t feel like they were all that close. It’s easy to say they’re best friends, but the mood was that they were acquaintances who shared deep secrets.
I don’t understand what the lesson is. Her friend dies, the one who didn’t want Whitney to go through the same path as her. Whitney decides to go through the rehab program. It ends with her being a more optimistic rehab patient. That’s nice for a Lifetime movie, but you shouldn’t relegate yourself to Lifetime Channel quality.
There’s no humor or excitement in any of the scenes. It plays coldly like a noir. The message of the script is that you underestimate how good you really are, and the story is depressing and sterile. You need to give some juxtaposition. Show her being happy when’s she doesn’t care about her looks. Give those scenes vivid color and description. Then, with the scenes where she’s affected by her illness, make it frantic or melancholic and gray.
The dialogue was believable and witty, that mostly coming from Whitney. There are scenes where it feels like there’s nothing but talking. No movement, just two characters virtually frozen in place, their mouths being the only thing that moves. They need to show some action, even if it’s just picking their nose or scratching their neck. You have one scene where a single dialogue block by the principal takes up literally more than half a page. Walls of text are an enemy of all writing, not just screenwriting.
You have what looks like my unprofessional standpoint, extensive knowledge on the subject. I was wondering if you or someone you know went through the illness, because you write as if transcribing a real experience. With that, I think you should look the script over deeply, and try to find out where you can improve, and most importantly, how much you can improve before the script can’t get any better than it already is. From there, ask yourself if you want to rewrite it, and if it’s worth it.
NOTES:
You don’t need to capitalize sound effects or any actions. Emphasis in speech is underlined, not capitalized or bolded.
Some blocks of text are too long and need to be broken up with action.
There are typos on certain pages. Look over the whole script to find them.
Several formatting errors or simply writing that slows down the reader. The goal is, no matter what the professionals tell you, to make the script as accessible and comprehendible as possible. You need to think if you want to sacrifice brevity in order to write in a shot or type of scene transition.
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A review of Bella Beautyby Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/17/2009You are likely going to draw comparisons to Christopher Guest films, most especially Best in Show. That movie worked because the focus was something most people admire (dogs). Here, we have the spa industry. Most people aren’t going to care about a mockumentary that deals with the spa industry, although I’ll admit it got me a little interested. It took me a few pages to understand... You are likely going to draw comparisons to Christopher Guest films, most especially Best in Show. That movie worked because the focus was something most people admire (dogs). Here, we have the spa industry. Most people aren’t going to care about a mockumentary that deals with the spa industry, although I’ll admit it got me a little interested. It took me a few pages to understand how the script was supposed to be filmed, as there’s no clear indication of a camera crew. The main problem is that the script doesn’t feel like a movie, but more of what it’s supposed to make fun of (a documentary).
There are too many scenes with nothing but a lot of dialogue. Obviously a film like this is going to be dialogue-heavy, but it’s a double jeopardy when the dialogue doesn’t serve to forward the storyline, doesn’t reveal character, or just isn’t funny. Too much is revealed through dialogue, instead of action. It’s advice as old as time: “Show, don’t tell.” Everyone has the same tone and speech pattern. Only the hippies stand out in their dialogue, and the angry Lauren. It’s also very difficult to keep reading when there is no specific character you want to cheer for. I found it bothersome that the hippies didn’t really like the fact that they won the award, as they are busier than ever now. I guess that’s supposed to be funny.
You should tell us about the conference and the Fountain of Youth Award from the start. Otherwise, we don’t understand why some invisible cameraman is interviewing these random people. The script needs more conflict and tension. Believe me, you can make it over-the-top and unrealistic, as long as it’s believable in the context of the story. Because the first sixty or so pages are drawn out and slow, it feels like you had to rush through the spa conference. What was supposed to be the focus of the story ends abruptly. I think the restaurant scene was definitely too long.
In what was supposed to be a comedy, I found nothing that stood out as funny. Maybe it’s just my sense of humor and maybe others found the humor, but I didn’t. Now, there wasn’t anything that made my roll my eyes and say, “Really?” What you did best was cause someone like me to gain just a little interest in spa and beauty. The premise is where the potential lies. I think an improved script (and I mean a complete rewrite) can make this the blueprint for a good mockumentary.
NOTES:
Page 1: It would be nice if we knew what Skye and Roy looked like. / Too much description. Break it up. / Is Divine Thing a song? It’s best not to use specific songs or music in general, unless you really think it needs to be there. Avoid copyrighted music especially. / Avoid using “We see.”
Page 2: The top slugline is screwed up. It’s best not to describe who is in the scene through the slugline. / If you’re going to cut to London anyway, don’t tell us who Lauren is talking to.
Page 3: What do you mean when she turn to see the camera? The camera that’s filming the scene? / (CONT’D) is only necessary when dialogue is broken up between two pages.
Page 4: I just noticed that you didn’t use (V.O.). If someone is in a scene, but only represented as a voice from a communicating electronic (phone, speaker, etc.), you label it as (V.O.) to the right of their name.
Page 6: If the red pushpins represent the cities, then you should have written that action before she started naming the cities.
Page 8: That’s too long for a parenthetical. / Emphasis is underlined, not bolded.
Page 26: If it switched from the offices to the elevator, slug it. A new slugline doesn’t always mean it’s a new scene, just a new location.
Page 29: You introduced Stan a page ago, yet you’re describing his appearance just now.
Page 51: It’s a “FLASHBACK,” not “PREVIOUS YEAR.” Although you can write “SUPER: PREVIOUS YEAR” below the slugline.
Page 54: If the camera has turned off, then it’s “CUT TO BLACK.” read -
A review of Snow Blind Ver4by Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/10/2009A man wakes up, not knowing who he is, or why he is wanted by the police. It’s a concept older than film, but sometimes the concept takes a new turn. In this case, the setting is a small town of three hundred somewhere northeast of Nome (I think). This is a great setting, definitely not forgettable. I still remember how you described that the whole world appears to be only... A man wakes up, not knowing who he is, or why he is wanted by the police. It’s a concept older than film, but sometimes the concept takes a new turn. In this case, the setting is a small town of three hundred somewhere northeast of Nome (I think). This is a great setting, definitely not forgettable. I still remember how you described that the whole world appears to be only within the range of the sheriff’s headlights. That summarizes the kind of place the characters are in. In all honesty, this story would not work if it took place in a Midwest town or even a major city. They are almost literally stuck here.
As any writer knows, flashbacks can greatly help or hurt the story. In this case, it’s much more of the former. The biggest problem was how many flashbacks scenes it took to justify why Carl needed the money so badly. His relationship with Janine made him a less likeable character, which is perfectly fine if your protagonist is the world’s biggest asshole and proud of it. Here, he’s just a hopeless guy who just turned forty and suffers from a midlife crisis. He (sort of) redeems himself at the last page. Aside from that, I like these kinds of stories where all the pieces come together at the end. The storyline isn’t too confusing, and I didn’t get lost at any point.
I knew from the beginning that Kate was up to something. This likely arises from the fact that the gregarious, generous young woman (who, for some reason, everyone assumes is the furthest from corrupt and malignant) ends up being the baddie in so many stories. The townspeople are really townspeople. None of them seem out of place. Even Kate feigns it well.
Now a couple of things that I found unusual. Why isn’t Carl at a hospital? Is there nothing of the sort anywhere close to them? Why didn’t the sheriff arrest Carl as soon as he woke up? I think he even said it himself, “You don’t come across someone with a bullet wound in these parts that often.” What made the sheriff think Carl wouldn’t just escape from the town? If Kate hates her father so much, why do they live in such close proximity? Who is that teen in the cab? Are the cabbie and teen waiting for Carl to show his good nature?
There’s not a lot of dialogue that delves into exposition. I didn’t find that any of the characters had their own voice or style of speaking. Most obviously is Carl, who in my opinion is the equivalent of a philosophical zombie. The last line he said was cheesy and out of place.
You guys already know the other positives, so good job on this one. I haven’t read the earlier versions, so I’m not sure where you improved. Is this something I would watch on the big screen? Maybe. Unless you drastically change the storyline and ending, I don’t see a lot of room for improvement in this otherwise decent script.
NOTES:
Page 13: “Your” should be “you’re.”
Page 17: Who pulls a knife? The teen? What’s the pain in adding “He?”
Page 26: (feigns interest; forces smile). Too long and clunky for a parenthetical.
Page 27: Indicate that the scene is now taking place inside the car.
Page 29: Don’t need “RESUME SCENE.”
Page 32: “Carl does pause—”
Page 61: “The necklace.” Really?
Page 62: “Walk” should be “walks.”
Page 69: “Spill” should be “spills,” I think.
Page 70: “The only who who—”
Page 87: “An box cutting—”
Page 88: (like pulling teeth for her) This takes at least a few seconds to fully comprehend. Try something else. read -
A review of The Chimeraby Sanjuro The BAMF on 04/16/2009When I say that this script reminds me of a Charlie Kaufman work, I’m not implying that Kaufman invented surreal quirky comedies. I’m just stating it as a comparison. This sub genre is not everyone (including to an extent, me), due to its license from the bounds of reality, which makes some uneasy. I’m assuming when you refer to “chimera,” you are speaking of the genetic term... When I say that this script reminds me of a Charlie Kaufman work, I’m not implying that Kaufman invented surreal quirky comedies. I’m just stating it as a comparison. This sub genre is not everyone (including to an extent, me), due to its license from the bounds of reality, which makes some uneasy. I’m assuming when you refer to “chimera,” you are speaking of the genetic term. Before reading further, my only knowledge of chimeras was from those found in mythology. Your synopsis is too long and overly detailed. It needs to be trimmed to fewer than 30 words. With a premise like this, you need to go all out, thinking of the wackiest scenarios. Since a premise like this requires a lot of suspension of disbelief, just a little more wouldn’t hurt.
Like many scripts, this one starts off a bit slow. Lugosi and Boris seemingly appear from out of nowhere. Nobody seems to have any hesitation about Frank getting a brain transplant. Dr. Staples and Dr. Spurtz are easy to confuse, since they are both verbose doctors with names that start with an S. While there is a great amount of potential to the link between Rex and the German Shepherd in the picture, it ends up as confusing the first time around. Readers are not going to want to go back to figure out all the little details. The subplot with Horst didn’t have much of a point. I’m not a rabid proponent of Chekhov’s Gun, but what was the point of the blue car (or was it green)? Lugosi’s motive for bringing back his mom and what caused his parents’ deaths was a nice touch. It’s not something you see in a comedy of this caliber. My personal favorite aspect was Frank’s autonomous left hand. You should definitely milk that. I also like the running gags. “You are on the right side of the bed.”
It took me a while to figure out the story takes place in Britain. That’s not bad, because even though there are many opportunities in the UK, most of your potential buyers are likely from the US or Canada. And they will very likely want it to take place in the US, which won’t be hard, as the story doesn’t depend so much on the setting. There are plenty of Italian enclaves in the US. Were the dwarfs in Frank’s head a foreshadowing of Angelo? If so, what is the purpose of that connection? It seems to me that Maria disliked Angelo’s shortness and the dwarfs were a manifestation of that. It’s clearly not clear enough.
The thing most scripts need to improve on the most is description of action. This one is no different. Screenplays are harder to write than novels, in my opinion of course. Novels don’t require such precise and meticulous principles. While your description was mostly clear and concise, at times it dragged beyond necessity. The dialogue and the way in which it drives the plot is what holds this script so high. Without it, the concept and the structure would collapse.
A good rewrite will make this a marketable script. But, if you can create something like this, you can probably create something better. If you’re not sure where to go with this script, don’t force yourself to fix it. Work on something else. In time, the answer may or may not come. I have concluded that gnocchi is a metaphor for Oedipus complex. Am I right?
NOTES:
Page 1: “Canon” should be “cannon.”
Page 1: (CONT’D) is only needed when a dialogue block is separated between two pages.
Page 2: There’ no need for the CONTINUED at the upper left corner of the page.
Page 2: “Shepherd” should be capitalized.
Page 2: “Give Frank an appreciate, woof—”
Page 2: I don’t know if “arse” is the best word to use. It catches the reader off guard.
Page 7: “It looks like it was built by a blind monkey on crack.” Now that’s the kind of offhand description that works in a comedy script.
Page 13: Is it “wander” or “wonder?”
Page 28: “Jealously” should be “jealousy.”
Page 31: There’s an unnecessary spacing in Sarah’s dialogue.
Page 55: “Is” should be “his.”
Page 60: PRIEST (CONT’D) (O.S.) (CONT’D)? Yeah, better fix that.
Page 67: Emphasis on a word should be underlined. “You slept with her?”
Page 75: Period after “outburst.”
Page 83: The note in the parentheses takes some time to understand.
Page 83: (slightly camp). It’s all camp to me.
Page 97: “Franks” should be “Frank.”
Page 98: Period after “puppy.”
Page 98: “Franks” should be “Frank’s.”
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A review of Tarot Justiceby Sanjuro The BAMF on 03/19/2009I find the title of the screenplay a bit awkward. It sounds more fit for a crime-fighting comedy. I was hoping there would at least be a double twist, but the story ended with a hum instead of a bang. Although it's ninety pages, it felt shorter and unsatisfying. The plot itself is not too complicated and easy to follow. The dog Boy pretty much serves no purpose. He just sits... I find the title of the screenplay a bit awkward. It sounds more fit for a crime-fighting comedy. I was hoping there would at least be a double twist, but the story ended with a hum instead of a bang. Although it's ninety pages, it felt shorter and unsatisfying. The plot itself is not too complicated and easy to follow.
The dog Boy pretty much serves no purpose. He just sits there and barks if he sees someone suspicious. I kept confusing Terry and Vince and the other two cops, probably because they are paired, giving them less individuality. All I remember is that one is not very organized. I did not feel for the protagonist Richard West, nor did I find him all that interesting, although he reminds me of Mel Gibson's character in Lethal Weapon. For a while, I was expecting Stacey to be the killer, as she seems to have an interest in serial killers. But that may just be part of her work. The problem with Stacey is that she comes off as a satellite character, one that exists simply to compliment a more important character (Richard West). The wife I did not care for. Frank comes off as a typical police chief. Slick Reggie is not an appealing antagonist, if you could call him that. Yes, he's shrewd, but I personally didn't like him.
The story flows in a smooth, not jagged, manner. The formatting did not distract me all too much, and the transitioning between scenes worked well. There were no plot twists I could specifically point out. What I found was that the story didn't give a sense of urgency or significance. It's as if it moved by in a calm collectedness. None of the scenes stuck out as something awesome or powerful. The modus operandi of the killer was something I feel I’ve seen done before. Either way, the killer using the symbols on the cards as tools of death was definitely not something to forget. I kept forgetting whether Richard West was taken off whatever case he was working on, because nearly every conversation he has with the other cops seems to be about him working on something he isn’t supposed to be. There’s a lot of setup with no payoff, such as no explanation for West’s use of tarot cards. The story ends abruptly, with not much to say. The murders happen with quickly with little build-up, but that may just be a hint that West does not know what’s really going on. I also think the relationship subplot between Richard and Jane can be taken out without damaging the story as a whole.
I see that someone’s considered purchasing Tarot Justice. I hope you sell it and get established as a professional writer. Good luck with your ventures.
NOTES:
Page 1: Dr. Bloomberg’s name needs to be capitalized the first time.
Page 1: A period after “barking.”
Page 1: More spacing than needed between “BOY” and “is.”
Page 1: “5” should be written out in letters.
Page 2: Who lets Boy out?
Page 2: You only need (CONT’D) when there is a dialogue break between two pages.
Page 3: “West’s” needs to be capitalized.
Page 5: “Has” should be “have.”
Page 5: We don’t know yet that their methods give them a high clearance rate.
Page 6: Why did you put the description in parentheses?
Page 8: If Vince isn’t going to say anything immediately afterward, “Leaves the room.” should be an action line.
Page 9: Same with the kicking motion description.
Page 11: --gee thanks-- Why is it written like that?
Page 12: That block of text at the end of the page is way too big. It needs to be divided into several blocks. Why does he keep getting referred to with his full name? Does it have anything to do with Adam West? Adam West.
Page 14: “Cards” should be “cars.”
Page 15: Seeing as the dispatcher isn’t in the scene, it should be (V.O.) instead of (O.S.).
Page 19: A period after “rope.”
Page 33: Period after “night.”
Page 34: Period after “him.”
Page 35: “Who’s” should be “whose.”
Page 36: --Dick-- I still don’t understand what the hyphens are for. Is it implying that he is interrupting someone, and in turn being interrupted himself?
Page 37: “Art” should be “are.”
Page 39: “Their” should be “there.”
Page 41: You’re going to have to explain what “IAD” stands for.
Page 42: Might be best if “U-turn” is hyphenated.
Page 58: Period after “enters.”
Page 61: “We’ll” should be “will.”
Page 61: “Policies” should be “police.”
Page 62: “It’s” should be “its.”
Page 70: “Your” should be “you’re.”
Page 74: “Who’s” should be “whose.”
Page 80: Write “t” as “tee.”
Page 83: Too many parentheticals.
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A review of Blind Faithby Sanjuro The BAMF on 09/02/2008I'm one of those people who dislike the overuse of myths and legends. The Tunguska Incident doesn't yet fall into the category of "overused", but I feel it will soon. I will admit that this is the first script I read or even recalled that implements the Tunguska Incident into its storyline. It's also the first thing I've seen anywhere that combines it with demonic themes.... I'm one of those people who dislike the overuse of myths and legends. The Tunguska Incident doesn't yet fall into the category of "overused", but I feel it will soon. I will admit that this is the first script I read or even recalled that implements the Tunguska Incident into its storyline. It's also the first thing I've seen anywhere that combines it with demonic themes.
I could never picture the appearance of Janet throughout my read. I also couldn't understand whether or not anyone even had a Russian accent. They all spoke as if they were from the Anglosphere. Your best characters are the Shaman and Segset, in terms of how believable and dimensional they are. I've confused who was who on several occasions, mostly the Russian characters really. The biggest problem I had was that I couldn't care less what happened to them all. I can't point out why, seeing as that's one of the things that separates the great writers from the average writers, not that you're an average writer or anything like that.
The dialogue, a little expository at times, but not mind-numbing in the least. The demons spoke how one would envision a demon to speak. Janet, in my opinion, did not have her own voice and tone. She was monotonic and cold most of the time, with the exception of her more poignant moments.
The story didn't drag, so that's good. I was extremely confused as to where they were most of the time. Where they in the real world, or the spirit world? It was too difficult to keep track, seeing as everyone was all over the place. Then there's talk of the sphere. So much time invested talking about the sphere, and nothing impressive shows up at the end. Just a... sphere.
It's better than the vast majority of scripts out there. It also has a logline that pulls you in. But a logline must keep the reader entranced throughout the entire read. Good luck with your re-write and/or next script.
NOTES:
Page 9: “In a hollow” or “is a hollow”?
Page 20: Ron sounds like a well-spoken man, so is it “stories is” or “stories are”?
Page 20: “9/11” needs to be typed out in words.
Page 21: You have an instance of Janet talking twice without any break.
Page 23: “He’s science journalist.”
Page 36: “Men” should be “man”.
Page 43: “Throw” should be “through”.
Page 57: You incorrectly spaced “12-year-old”.
Page 63: “Stretches out her hand out.”
Page 65: “Drive through mountainous area.”
Page 71: “Back” should be “backs”.
Page 74: “Forty-three” is incorrectly spaced.
Page 76: That visual note really takes you out of the story. “It is apparent that only Janet can see the light” is sufficient.
Page 79: “The parapet allows a on the”
Page 87: “In chest” should be “in the chest”.
Page 91: “It’s walls” should be “its walls”.
Page 104: “The scream” should be “they scream”.
Page 104: “Demons” should be “demons’”
Page 104: There should be a “you” between “what” and “came”. read -
A review of Laguna Sunriseby Sanjuro The BAMF on 08/22/2008But in no way is this screenplay a rip-off of any James Ellroy work. To me, if it's anything, it's a mix between L.A. Confidential and Se7en. Besides that, this script presents a storyline I haven't seen before. It's clever and esoteric, maybe too esoteric. The characters are one of the strong points. I was a little bothered by Garcia's use of Spanish in his conversations... But in no way is this screenplay a rip-off of any James Ellroy work. To me, if it's anything, it's a mix between L.A. Confidential and Se7en. Besides that, this script presents a storyline I haven't seen before. It's clever and esoteric, maybe too esoteric.
The characters are one of the strong points. I was a little bothered by Garcia's use of Spanish in his conversations. They even did the same thing with that soldier in Transformers. But Garcia is a three-dimensional character who has motives we can believe. I've wondered the entire time if Stone was also gay, which it turns out he wasn't of course. Suzanne, the journalist, an exploiter of the worst kind. I didn't even suspect that Spires was the murderer, which might be because I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have.
The dialogue is not necessarily realistic, but believable. That's what matters in a film. Every major character, even the news people, had their own unique voice and tone. The hardest bits of dialogue to swallow were when Stone was in the rehabilitation facility. The things he said there felt contrived, and didn't feel like words that would naturally come out of his mouth.
The storyline never went too slow, and there were no unneeded scenes that I could recall. I did feel that the story jumped too fast as soon as Garcia went to Lancaster. I have trouble recollecting all the information given earlier in a film, so it may be my problem. When we find out the murders are linked to drugs, I began to wonder whether or not this murderer really killed the cops because he vehemently rejected homosexuality. It was the final shootout that really reminded me of L.A. Confidential. I still think it was stupid of Stone to engage the killer on his own. Maybe he didn't care about the risk.
You're a professional quality writer is all I can say. If you write a script in which the logline alone pulls in desirable people, then you're in good prospects. I'm not saying you'll make it with this script, but if you write a high concept, you will have good chances.
NOTES:
Page 13: Just “(in Spanish)” is good enough.
Page 18: “Stone’s a bit too high to qualify.” I have trouble finding out what the meaning behind this is.
Page 27: The parenthetical “(to the Goth)” is too far to the left.
Page 41: “x-box” should be “Xbox”.
Page 66: What does it look like when someone speaks in a “(conspiratorial)” manner?
You consistently misspell the word “Sergeant” as “Sargent”.
read
Comments About Sanjuro The BAMF 15
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Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/23/2009
squib2012 wrote:I've been debating on the format for this as well - graphic novel might work, but at this point, I've grown so tired of working on it, I may just chalk it up as a learning experience and move onto something less sprawling..
I've done that three times already. Apparently I'm a slow/non learner. -
squib2012 on 06/23/2009
Hey Sanjuro,
much thanks for taking the time to read & review "Fall from Grace"
thanks also for your voluminous feedback. Honestly, it helps to have some clarity of focus when tackling these things. This story was a monster to begin with, and I've been trying to cut it back and streamline it into a single story. very perceptive of you, by the way, picking up on its televisionesqueness.
I've been debating on the format for this as well - graphic novel might work, but at this point, I've grown so tired of working on it, I may just chalk it up as a learning experience and move onto something less sprawling.
at any rate, your commentary is much appreciated.
best of fortune to you
ps the Techno Viking makes me giggle. -
Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/16/2009
LesFloyd wrote:I can't tell if you're in character or not, or maybe I haven't read enough of you or about you?
Nah, dude, I'm quoting Lawrence from Office Space. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/16/2009
I can't tell if you're in character or not, or maybe I haven't read enough of you or about you? -
tishanddavid on 06/08/2009
HI ok here comes the usual generic thank you note for reading SUBMISSION.(laughs) ready? I appreciate your wonderful review.It was very insightful and pointed out a lot of common thoughts that people have pointed out .This was a actually a rough draft that we hammered out based on a dominatrix friend I have in Cali.I have always loved horror and psych thrillers and really wanted that to be our first project.Its also our first SP so all in all I think based on the reviews we haven't done bad.I agree with the thoughts on it being a novel there's a lot of description and scenes that don't read like a script.
We are working on a revision with a lot more white space and new looks at old scenes. We should gave it posted in the next few days.Its been a learning process to say the least. We are also in the works of writing a back story for a sequel and that's the reason that some scenes were set up the way they were.And so hopefully based on the input and suggestions of others we might be able to make this into more then just a slasher film.
Thanks for the good review of the script even though its not your genre we do look forwards to your reviews in the future.
Tisha
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Sanjuro The BAMF on 05/30/2009
exist wrote:Thank you for your review of "Terror in the God Mind". I find it very interesting that you had a dream not unlike the scene with the slugs in the amusement park. Did it actually feature a slug chasing somebody on a roller coaster? If so, that would be really weird
No, but whatever was chasing me, it scared the shit out of me. -
exist on 05/30/2009
Thank you for your review of "Terror in the God Mind". I find it very interesting that you had a dream not unlike the scene with the slugs in the amusement park. Did it actually feature a slug chasing somebody on a roller coaster? If so, that would be really weird -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/13/2009
Cheers for the review. Glad you realise that this will be - after some structural and character rewrites - a piece of good entertainment. That's all we hope for when we sit down and write isn't it?
Several people have commented on the illogical logic of certain scenes which is helping with the notes already made for the next draft, so thanks. -
MattyMustng on 05/10/2009
Thanks for your review of Snow Blind. Really appreciate it.
I'm not sure what Dan and I have planned for this latest draft. Guess we're waiting to see how TS'ers respond to it. Thanks again. -
Tyzan on 03/04/2009
Thanks so much for the review. Seems you understood most of what I was going for... Already started rewriting the entire story and I have TOO many ideas, this is one of the simpler ones. Your suggestions are great! Taking what I've learned and throwing them into the new pot...Can't believe I missed your and you're so many times...usually on top of that...
And yes, Cowboy Bebop is awesome!
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Comments About Sanjuro The BAMF 15
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Quote
squib2012 wrote:
I've been debating on the format for this as well - graphic novel might work, but at this point, I've grown so tired of working on it, I may just chalk it up as a learning experience and move onto something less sprawling..
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Quote
Hey Sanjuro,
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Quote
LesFloyd wrote:
I can't tell if you're in character or not, or maybe I haven't read enough of you or about you?
+ more commentsSanjuro The BAMF on 06/23/2009
I've done that three times already. Apparently I'm a slow/non learner.
squib2012 on 06/23/2009
much thanks for taking the time to read & review "Fall from Grace"
thanks also for your voluminous feedback. Honestly, it helps to have some clarity of focus when tackling these things. This story was a monster to begin with, and I've been trying to cut it back and streamline it into a single story. very perceptive of you, by the way, picking up on its televisionesqueness.
I've been debating on the format for this as well - graphic novel might work, but at this point, I've grown so tired of working on it, I may just chalk it up as a learning experience and move onto something less sprawling.
at any rate, your commentary is much appreciated.
best of fortune to you
ps the Techno Viking makes me giggle.
Sanjuro The BAMF on 06/16/2009
Nah, dude, I'm quoting Lawrence from Office Space.