With his NBA dreams on the line, Ben Cronin must play the game of his life on college basketball's biggest stage... more
HOW IT RATES
The son of a billionaire that lost it all, Bern Russell, now spends his days in traffic hell behind the wheel of a promotional car shaped like the company's female mascot, Francine Phytoplankton. After a minor car crash, in which Bern unwittingly foils a kidnapper, he rockets from zero to national hero in a New York hearbeat. The fame and privilege he felt cheated out of are suddenly his. But when the details of the 'heroic" rescue go public, yesterday's hero quickly becomes the national punchline. The spotlight he lusted after turns into a curse he can't get away from.
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Reviews of Accidental Zero 21
by Lexey on 06/27/2010The following is just my humble opinion. Take what feels right to you and use it to better your script then, please, just ignore the rest – it’s all just me sharing my thoughts with you – I don’t pretend to know what’s best for your story. I read your production notes, then read your script twice. I think you somewhat make it work out in the end, (combining the two storylines),... The following is just my humble opinion. Take what feels right to you and use it to better your script then, please, just ignore the rest – it’s all just me sharing my thoughts with you – I don’t pretend to know what’s best for your story.
I read your production notes, then read your script twice. I think you somewhat make it work out in the end, (combining the two storylines), however, I’m not sure if it's the best way to go. I believe the two stories could stand-alone and make two good scripts. As is, I’d like more of Bern / Pam (also Leah) and more Mr. Mick / Lindsey. Every time you stopped one story to tell the other, I felt as if I actually put down one script and picked up another. I thought about why that was and this is what I came up with (just my two cents): the stories just did not mesh well. Half of it, the comedy, was quirky, talky, over-the-top LOL, then you’d switch gears with the drama part and it was like – wipe that smile off your face, here comes sadness – the brakes were slammed on. I was reminded of the movie, DUETS, which I happened to like a lot. It was also a comedy/drama and it did a great job interweaving different storylines, and I think it was because they all came together with a common goal. The tagline to that movie was: Six lost souls in search of a little harmony. I know you say that you purposely do not intertwine the two plots, and you give an explanation as to why you don’t, but should you make it that difficult for the viewer? You could use any accident to make Bern a hero, without creating a whole second storyline. Then you could further develop all these great characters, each in their own separate script.
Now onto the good stuff! I like all the characters – Pam is my favorite. I love most of the dialogue, (good job!), although some of Colt’s I could do without (but that’s just me – a female in her 50s).
I’m going to end this review with my nit-picking page notes:
Pg. 1 – Miss FADE IN:
Turn off those (CONTINUED) and CONTINUED: at top and bottom of page. They just mess up the look of your page and we know it is all continued anyway.
The person on the other end of a phone conversation, not shown, should be noted as a V.O.
Pg. 2 – Even though I understand that you’re going for the shock/laugh when we find out he was talking to his ma, I really don’t think a mother would say, “If I was trying to control you I’d withhold sex.” Maybe you could tweak that line to something like, “Don’t be ridiculous. The only way a woman can control a man is by withholding sex.”
Pg. 5 – Add an action line, setting up the scene INT. APARTMENT – LEAH’S BEDROOM – LATER, before you begin the dialogue.
Because you didn’t set the scene up -- who is him? -- She stares at him a moment…
Pg. 6 – Sean’s intro needs capped.
Pg. 14 – Didn’t care for Colt’s dialogue -- too gross for me.
Pg. 23 – typo, I think – dieing / dying.
Pg. 24 – Should include an action line for Pam giggling before Gary’s line, “Are you… are you … giggling?” Give us the visual.
Pg. 26 – Check through all your introductions. Don’t introduce everyone by MAN or WOMAN, just introduce him or her by their name, and then if we can’t tell their gender then go ahead and describe them by, as you do here, a big man, but don’t cap the word MAN or WOMAN. I think you are capping too many words, including words like DASHES OUT. Not needed, messes up the look of the page.
Pg. 28 – Whoa! Didn’t see that coming.
Pg. 29 – Lots of caps on this page.
Pg. 42 – I don’t think Lindsey would use the word “fucking” no matter what her predicament.
Pg. 49 – Typo maybe -- Is it pigs ass or pig’s ass?
Pg. 57 – “Don’t worry about me (,) just enjoy yourself.” “Apply that level of expectation to our sex-life and we’ll be together forever.” “You’re full of forever’s tonight.” LOL, love their banter.
Pg. 58 – Colts pastes / Colt pastes
Pg. 60 – typo – Lets get / Let’s get
Pg. 62 – cut (though phone) and just format it PAM (V.O.)
Pg. 64 – Missing character cue at top of page.
Pg. 73 – Now its / it’s...
Pg. 77 – its not / it’s not kid friendly...
Pg. 79 – Missing character cue at top of page.
“Its / it’s about…”
Pg. 80 – Missing another character cue at top of this page, too.
Pg. 81 – Why use italic?
Pg. 90 – “…it’s / its potential…”
Pg. 91 – Love Pam’s line – “That it is better to be fucking awesome than famous.”
Pg. 97 – I don’t get this line – “I don’t know where your grade school health teacher went awry but I can not be impregnated!” -- (yes, I remember their threesome, but how does it fit into this conversation?)
The end: I kind of wanted him to choose ‘awesome’ over ‘famous’, but -- “Can you find me a hair-dryer?” -- did make me laugh.
Concept – Good
(Although I really think you have 2 good concepts that need to be separated.)
(As is, because, in MHO, I think that each storyline needs to be developed and stand on its own.)
(Although with more development, layers to each character, you could easily move this into excellent.)
(I was close to choosing below average because of the way I felt about the jarring jump between each storyline. I didn’t, only because your writing ability is above that.)
(There were sections that were excellent and I think when your story improves that your dialogue will get even better.)
Well, that’s all that I have to offer you. I hope in someway you find my thoughts helpful. Good luck.
PS – I think it’s a good title for the story.
by tr3i on 06/22/2010I'm not entirely crazy about the lead for starters. I mean the whole idea behind a lead character is to make him likable and easy to root for, but you created this sorry little man that doesn't appeal to me personally. There's also nothing about him that stands out and screams originality. I was also expecting more jokes, especially comedic situations, but the abundance of... I'm not entirely crazy about the lead for starters. I mean the whole idea behind a lead character is to make him likable and easy to root for, but you created this sorry little man that doesn't appeal to me personally. There's also nothing about him that stands out and screams originality.
I was also expecting more jokes, especially comedic situations, but the abundance of comedy seems to come from lines that aren't really funny like "sorry it smells like dead farts and masturbation in here" for instance.
From a structural perspective you intro the Catalyst a little too late for comfort and I really also couldn't detect a precise Midpoint.
Plot-wise the story starts slow and develops slow, making it hard for the reader to get into. My suggestion is to grab them early on with something other than quirky dialogue and flashbacks. Also from a plot point of view, there's not enough interesting stuff happening in there to offer some momentum to the story. People just seem to walk around almost randomly, nearly falling into the next scene, when it all should be a natural progression of the "before" moment.
My conclusion is: very good core concept with moralizing potential, just make it more snappy, more fresh and "now" and hip.
by straylightrun151 on 06/08/2010The story idea to me is a little wear, but as long as you pair it with excellent writing, anything is possible. However, this to me was not excellent writing. It felt that the jokes, and the comedic avenues were forced, didn't seem like it helped the story flow. The characters were alright, maybe do a little more developing. Even after reading the script twice, I still don't... The story idea to me is a little wear, but as long as you pair it with excellent writing, anything is possible. However, this to me was not excellent writing. It felt that the jokes, and the comedic avenues were forced, didn't seem like it helped the story flow. The characters were alright, maybe do a little more developing. Even after reading the script twice, I still don't really feel that I know Bern.
I did like the fact that you were building up for the reveal that Pam owns the company that Bern works for, however; I had figured it out pages before Bern put it together, and I am sure your audience will too, so there really isn't any reveal. The end was real flat, there was no real pay off. Yes, he gets his fame back, well the real question is does he get Pam back.
There were minor typing and format errors, which should be cleared up with a good read through. All in al, I think so have some good things going for you. read
by bloodmeridian2004 on 06/06/2010Hey DP: I like the dialogue in spots and I think this could be a compelling story once it finds its proper beginning and the pace is increased. As is, I don't think this story starts until page 32—and it's a good use of expositional dialogue for us to get to know our hero. I understand the desire to follow a sort-of Vogler model for the “Hero's Journey” and all that, but... Hey DP:
I like the dialogue in spots and I think this could be a compelling story once it finds its proper beginning and the pace is increased.
As is, I don't think this story starts until page 32—and it's a good use of expositional dialogue for us to get to know our hero.
I understand the desire to follow a sort-of Vogler model for the “Hero's Journey” and all that, but if it takes too long for a story to get going, it's doomed.
And the good part about what Bern (sorry, I don't like his name, I just don't think it's a good idea to name heroes after someone famous and then make no mention of it) says here shows a good understanding of character which rings true—like a thumbnail sketch from Egri's THE ART OF DRAMATIC WRITING.
As for the sub-plot, I think it needs a bit more clarity to understand why this abducted 15-year-old girl would drop charges.
And, not to be a total prude, but the hero calling her a “fucking bitch” probably means dollars flying out of producers pocket for the language and the “R” rating that comes with it.
For me, if that kind of language is used, it needs to happen early and often—although I don't like it as much as I used too. I honestly tried to watch IN THE LOOP—but found myself annoyed at the vulgar little man at the start who should have had his block knocked off for the way he talked to women.
A FEW READING NOTES:
p1 improper format for first master scene heading (too ambitious)
INT. CAR - MORNING RUSH
INT. CAR – DAY
also, “morning rush” implies more of an establishing shot from above the care so we can see it fighting through traffic
Also, lots of questionable CAPS in this first page, try to limit it to character introductions of character who will have dialogue and sound—if it's a character which has no lines, CAPS aren't always needed.
omit (CONTINUED) at the bottom of every page (out of style)
p2 was/were (subjunctive mood)
This dialogue is confusing, if Leah is his mother, then WOMAN'S VOICE is a bit misleading, something should indicate that it's an older woman's voice.
p3 blond/blonde (gender)
visual exposition needed to set the scene after this master scene heading:
INT. APARTMENT - LEAH’S BEDROOM - LATER
also, needs DAY or NIGHT at the end
(CONT'D) out of style, just use it now after (MORE) for when dialogue crosses over pages
p6 I'd omit the TEEN dialogue here, the British sound of it is a bit confusing and it detracts from an otherwise funny scene.
Also, the gender of the teen is not indicated—which would affect the interest with which the hero stared at the bare behind.
p15 Not thrilled that the hero has the same name as the famous British philosopher—it's confusing unless it's addressed somewhere
p32 nice bit of dialogue here:
Alright, Cliff Notes version, my
father was an obnoxious,
self-aggrandizing buffoon. He was
sixty-eight. My mother was barely
eighteen. In what must have been
the most "goddamn that’s nasty"
moment in world history the old guy
impregnated her. Here I am.
I think the story ought to start with this, perhaps in a voiceover. It puts the hero into a proper context.
p97 no need to underline FADE OUT
This one has potential.
The dialogue shines in spots and the site gag works with the algae-fueled vehicle.
It reminded me of Willie Nelson's bio-fueled bus, and, as such, I was a bit surprised that more of the flower-power culture and all the recreational drugs that come with it were not explored.
Keep punching keys,
by dbenamor on 06/06/2010Hi, So, here goes. CONCEPT Reasonably intriguing but definitely as a concept has a been-there quality that is unfortunate, because the actual script takes it in surprising directions. That being said, the actual concept is pretty familiar. AVERAGE STORY I'm torn. I was impressed by your decision to go with a sort of tragic route, wherein Bern (I think it's pretty funny his... Hi,
So, here goes.
Reasonably intriguing but definitely as a concept has a been-there quality that is unfortunate, because the actual script takes it in surprising directions. That being said, the actual concept is pretty familiar.
I'm torn. I was impressed by your decision to go with a sort of tragic route, wherein Bern (I think it's pretty funny his full name is Bertrand Russell, takes me back to psycho-biology, but I digress) never really learns his lesson and keeps being a fame whore. I was sad to see Mr. Mick disappear from the story, I felt you had done a commendable job getting me to sympathize with this sad crazy man, and I thought maybe you took him out of the story since he ultimately would never get out of jail, but clearly he does get out eventually, right? That storyline actually ends happily. I understand that thematically Lindsay maybe works better as a counterpoint, but even if it's just a subplot of Mr. Mick trying to survive in jail, I would rather spend more time with him than Colt, who gets some screen time by himself in the latter stages. I've seen the character of Colt many times before, and no matter how colorfully you write his dialogue I think there's a sense of diminishing returns with him, as opposed to Mr. Mick who is a bit more unusual. Mr. Mick also has a great turn into Act 2 (no going back), when he kidnaps Lindsey. But I guess ultimately he's not a protagonist, so perhaps that's wrong. By the end I suppose this is the Lindsay/Bern two-hander, but if that's the case it feels unbalanced, Bern hogs a lot of screen time and he's barely sympathetic/interesting enough to hold my attention. I would consider evening it out more.
Also a small note but I think a worthwhile one, when Kelly first kissed Bern why was Pam not mad in the slightest? That seemed odd to me.
Also the running gag of the embarrassing mascot costume is really played out, in my opinion. To me the best part of this script was the character of Lindsey and Mr. Mick, the well-intentioned but confused kidnapper.
So while I definitely feel there are strengths in this story, I think overall it's not quite up to what I would rate GOOD yet, so...
I'm not a stickler for 3 act structure, for me it's about how much you hold my attention. This was a quick and fairly easy read, but I sort of disagreed with how you split up and did or did not expound on the various stories, as mentioned above. So for me, right now I'd say...
This is an interesting area for you. Clearly you have a tremendous vocabulary and that comes through. I think the trouble is you're not giving the same attention to subtext. Let's look at an example from p22, Mr. Mick says
"For the first time in I don't know how long, I have hope. All these months, I've been paralyzed."
Now what is the subtext of that line? There is none. This was an issue that recurred throughout the script whenever characters had to give emotional dialogue, which is a big problem. So I would give the script a second look for subtlety and subtext.
That being said, your jokes are funny. I laughed out loud several times. That's the harder part, and probably can't be taught. You can work on subtext, but humor is harder. So you're really in a good position to improve the script in this regard.
I was pretty impressed, you created vivid and clearly differentiable characters that leaped off the page. Some might be slightly cliche (Kelly), but definitely strong work. No real complaints here.
I think you're a talented writer, and this is a story worth further wrestling with. Right now it feels out of sync story-wise for me, so my suggestion would be to revisit the story structure and give the dialogue a second look. But, that's just me. So for what it's worth, that's my 2 cents. Best of luck going forward.
Overall grade: AVERAGE read
by gordonkris on 06/06/2010Pretty funny at times. You have good timing and a knack for acerbic dialogue. I had problems with the story and a few of the lesser characters, but I laughed, so that’s a good sign. I liked Bern. He was more fleshed out than some of the supporting characters. Contrast him with Colt, who was fairly 2-dimensional, a caricature of a snake oil salesman with particularly bad... Pretty funny at times. You have good timing and a knack for acerbic dialogue. I had problems with the story and a few of the lesser characters, but I laughed, so that’s a good sign. I liked Bern. He was more fleshed out than some of the supporting characters. Contrast him with Colt, who was fairly 2-dimensional, a caricature of a snake oil salesman with particularly bad taste in clothes. The tone of Bern’s plotline reminded me of Garden State - one beaten down guy, almost sedated, surrounded by people so absurd it’s like a bad dream. Absurdity is funny if it’s truly original. But veers towards the roll-your-eyes territory if it’s derivative. On the other side of the great plot divide, I liked Mr. Mick and Lindsey a lot when I first met them, especially Lindsey. You went to such extremes of lunacy so quickly that Mick lost all semblance of believability. After the crash, one character who absolutely didn’t work for me was Kelly. She just seemed inserted for convenience, but really bothered me because there was nothing real about her. The walk down the hall could be used better. Instead of making her look totally petty and self-absorbed, give her more balance, especially since she turns up later.
The story took a long time to get started. And of course, with two divergent plots it’s going to be confusing, each plot distracting the audience, who expect them to co-mingle at some point. I read your production notes, and I appreciate being filled in, but a studio exec won’t be as appreciative IMHO. If you have to explain it, it’s not really working. You need to have the accident and make Bern a hero before p50, much earlier. I didn’t really understand one of the key elements of the plot either – Bern’s Dad dying penniless. It was hard to buy that he felt immortal and wouldn’t have insurance.
The weird car seemed familiar. I remember turning off a movie where two guys drove a humiliating ad car for an energy drink company (or was that just a bad dream?). Then there was the dog car from Dumb and Dumber… I’m not saying it wasn’t funny. It was. But there was always the thought in the back of my head that I’d seen that schtick before.
But before you think I really hated this thing, let me stress the positives. I really liked your dialogue. Pam and Bern’s conversation on the bus was fantastic. Pam’s lines were especially funny throughout. Everyone says comedy is subjective (at least that’s what they tell me before they say my comedies are crap) but this script is pretty funny. That’s half the battle, right?
P2 – “ma” – hmmm, you’ve got all the inbreds chuckling
P3 – paramedic bandages his own arm – funny visual
P8 - Her parent’s are touched by their daughter’s concern. – parents (fix the typos in this)- but also try to write more visually, not by telling the emotional state of the characters, but by relating them with action
P15 - COLT
Are you smiling? I can’t tell
through the mask.-funny line
p19 - PAM
Where’s your "bus-tache"?- why doesn’t he just wear it when he drives the car?
P23 – dying
P27 – raises his hand as if to strike her – this is the kind of stuff you should reel back in a bit
P38 – insurance – don’t know if this explanation cuts it
P45 – Pam = funny
P54 – the hallway scene with Kelly doesn’t work
P59 – DA bursts into laughter – I lol’d
P70 – I kind of get the feeling that the story is going off the rails at this point – Pam and Bern argue over a trivial thing as she tells him to go off with Kelly, another character that didn’t seem real because she wasn’t developed
P90 – interesting about Turing
I think you have a good idea. You have a good protag and love interest. You have good description and funny dialogue. What makes this stumble is the structure. It takes too long to get started and once there it’s not developed enough to reach its full potential. Plus, it’s dualistic – there are two storylines that never fully converge. I enjoyed reading it, but suggest working on the above suggestions. read
by capper on 06/06/2010Hi Below are my notes. PG 5: The parenthesis for "He doesn't" should be cut. PG 6: Try to avoid camera directions like "pull back". Generally it is a no no, unless you plan on doing the film yourself. PG 8: "as if she never saw him at all" - this is extraneous, since she said that. PG 9: Nice yeast analogy. PG 11: The parenthesis for "covering" is extraneous as he knows... Hi
Below are my notes.
PG 5: The parenthesis for "He doesn't" should be cut.
PG 6: Try to avoid camera directions like "pull back". Generally it is a no no, unless you plan on doing the film yourself.
PG 8: "as if she never saw him at all" - this is extraneous, since she said that.
PG 9: Nice yeast analogy.
PG 11: The parenthesis for "covering" is extraneous as he knows that is what Bern is trying to do. Only use parenthesis when you need to show that a character is speaking to a particular person in a group or if they are speaking in a voice which doesn't reflect the situation, unlike the one of PG 11.
PG 11: Should have a Voice Over tag for COLT as he calls out.
PG 11: Try to keep action/description text to a maximum of 4 lines, preferably 3. The first block you have for the Highway scene is five, too much. Separate it into 2 blocks as this will create more white space.
PG 11: "End of Bern's workday..." Extraneous as you can't show it.
PG 13: Try to avoid using "we see", "we get" etc.
PG 14: I like the scat joke!
PG 15: "clearly no intention..." This is internal. It is extraneous and can be left out. Same goes for "Not wondering where it..."
PG 15: Try to avoid using words like "suddenly", "starts to" etc
PG 17: Try to avoid words like "when" etc. You could simply have "Bern applies a fake MUSTACHE. Colt raps on the window..."
PG 18 "And it gets even worse" remove all of these.
PG 19: remove the: from Pam's dialogue.
PG 39: Might need a flashback tag for this scene.
PG 47 - 48: With action, try to separate blocks of text into the separate camera shots, instead of keeping it in one block. For example:
"he takes a wild swing at Bern, Bern dodges.
Mr. Mick falls flat on his face. He grabs Bern's ankle, bites it."
PG 58: DA should be D.A.
Pg 85: Reporter's dick joke feels forced.
PG 90: As a PC guy, I am very offended by the Microsoft joke!
There is allot of "-ing" words in your screenplay. The script needs to be written in the present tense, and using "ing" words puts it in the past. For example, PG 8; "Sitting behind the finest..." should be "COLT sits behind the finest..." and so on.
Your descriptions are nice, though a bit on the flowery side. More often than not though they are completely internal/4th wall and extraneous like PG 9's "We can almost hear the little hamster...", PG 19s "As if her looks weren’t intimidating enough..." and so on. Funny, yes. Required, no. This is a screenplay, not a novel; only write what can be seen. If you intended to do this 4th wall stuff, then you can ignore, but note that it is considered a no no in spec scripts.
The way you had Mr. Mick kidnap Lindsey was rather forced and felt very unnatural to me. If he had a bad streak at the start it would be believable.
Ignore me, just brainstorming here: This would require quite a rewrite (which I think you are very capable of doing going by your writing style), but I think the story would serve you better if you had Mr. Mick get wrongly accused of abducting his own children (due to his bitch wife calling the cops, etc). Have Bern stop him some way so he becomes a hero, etc but then have Bern arc in a way that he gives the fame up to prove that Mr. Mick is innocent, and gets Pam.
The act of Bern becoming a hero happens too late in the story. Because of this, his arc and the later half of your screenplay suffers as it feels rushed. If it was done earlier you can work more on his transition to media whore, making it more believable.
Your writing is easy to read, regardless of the extraneous descriptions which litters the script. Cleaning this up though will make the screenplay much leaner and more of a breeze to read.
Good luck. read
by JenniferLynnWarren on 06/04/2010I'll begin with the good. I found the story to be very entertaining. There were some truly great moments of comedy in the script. The characters had their own voices and personalities. My biggest problem overall with the script was that I lost interest in your hero. Even when you gave him a moment to rise above, he didn't take it, and I walked away not caring about any... I'll begin with the good. I found the story to be very entertaining. There were some truly great moments of comedy in the script. The characters had their own voices and personalities.
My biggest problem overall with the script was that I lost interest in your hero. Even when you gave him a moment to rise above, he didn't take it, and I walked away not caring about any of the characters. For a comedy, it had a very dark view of the world, that can work in some cases, but I'm not sure that it works here.
Also, Pam began as a very fascinating character. I like her ambition to save the world as it were, but she felt very harsh and shallow towards the end, and I had a hard time believing the sincerity of what she was saying. read
by crossroads79 on 06/01/2010Before I say anything, I loved the story. It was funny, your command of language had me jealous in many places, and I couldn't wait to see how Bern would redeem himself. Except it wasn't at all a visual experience for me. This felt very much like I was reading a Tom Robbins novel in so many ways. All the characters are so extraordinarily abnormal (redundant?) and the events... Before I say anything, I loved the story. It was funny, your command of language had me jealous in many places, and I couldn't wait to see how Bern would redeem himself.
Except it wasn't at all a visual experience for me. This felt very much like I was reading a Tom Robbins novel in so many ways. All the characters are so extraordinarily abnormal (redundant?) and the events were in the same stratosphere of fucked-up, I'm not sure it's a movie. This was one talented piece of writing, and with the backstories necessary for Pam and Bern (and even Mr. Mick's collapsed marriage from the 'deranged bitch'), it's an avenue I would definately explore. It's really astouning this came out in 98 pages, cause there was so much. I guess that's my only beef with this as a script. This would be such a joy to read as a novel. Should you get this produced, I'd be a fan of the film's novelization. One reason I say this is because a lot of the dialogue was excessive, such as the banter between Pam and Bern. Their respective backstories deserve more, in either flashbacks(which is often death to script) or more --dialogue which can also slow things down.
I'm not saying this wouldn't make a good comedy, only it be one of hell of a read.
And then Bern didn't redeem himself, that fucking idiot.
Good luck with this. read
by Paulandrew on 05/30/2010It seems like you have to read ten or more screenplays on Triggerstreet to find one decent original one. I hate being a downer for those who post here but I just call it as I see it. That’s why I’m glad I was assigned this screenplay. It was a joy to read with very good and fleshed out characters. It also provided me with some laugh out loud moments. Whenever I see the genre... It seems like you have to read ten or more screenplays on Triggerstreet to find one decent original one. I hate being a downer for those who post here but I just call it as I see it. That’s why I’m glad I was assigned this screenplay. It was a joy to read with very good and fleshed out characters. It also provided me with some laugh out loud moments. Whenever I see the genre Comedy/Drama it’s almost always 99% drama. This was much more in the comedy section, a much more difficult genre to write. Kudos for that.
I have very little to add as far as story is concerned and I think that is a very good sign for you. I was a little worried as to how the two seemingly different stories would come together but you did it quite nicely.
These are notes I took as I read.
Don’t be a smartass. I’ve had a ton
of sexual partners in my life, most
of ’em consensual.
I guess this’ll be your
introduction to German erotica.
Calm down. We’ll drive back to
school I’ll talk to the headmaster
before any rumors get going.
I’m pretty sure his initial reaction would be that such a conversation with the headmaster would be as damning as a rumor. At least that would be my first thought.
In what must have been
the most "goddamn that’s nasty"
moment in world history the old guy
impregnated her. Here I am.
He pours her a glass and hands it to her. She looks at it
like it’s liquid poop. Puts it down.
You have some excellent action lines that make this a very enjoyable read. It’s almost a shame some of them don’t go in your dialog. The line above made me laugh and is gives the reader a perfect visual.
Could definitely have gone without the mother giving him her panties scene.
Also I have some problems with Lindsey changing her story to now include it as her being a blackmailer.
But overall a very quick and enjoyable read. Great Job
- Writer: Dan Harkins
- Uploaded by: harkins99
- Length: 97 pages
- Genre: comedy, drama
- Good god, I can't believe I have to explain this... Writers sometimes use devices such as subtext and metaphors to add depth to a story. The two plots do not intertwine on purpose. They smash into each other, like particles in a high speed accelerator. Not exactly subtle metaphor here seeing as the female lead is named Pam Dirac after renowned Nobel prize winning physicist P.A.M. Dirac. Bern thinks he has problems. The teacher, actually has real problems. The two accelerated particles of opposite properties slam into another and annihilate. I guess the onslaught of dong jokes hides the deeper message of the script. Pam is not the moral compass. Her end speech amounts to "Come back when you're somebody". She has the resources to make Bern something right then and there. She could invest in him and does not. The teacher's plight kicked off because the student's attempt at superficial niceties, which were done only to make herself feel better, not actually help the teacher. She comes full circle, in contrast to Pam, and takes on the responsibility at the end. Holy cow!! Can't believe I had to explain that. I tremble for the future of literature.
- Bio: Foxes of America-- eat your hearts out!
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