A man is consumed by the choice he made to cover an unforgivable act. Youtube version (has longer cuts)... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX5cRtobjBY... more
HOW IT RATES
A man, at the end of mankind, must uncover the secret that has bound him to a post apocalyptic Seattle.
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Reviews of After Zack 5
by gordonkris on 10/29/2009Okay, so you’ve decided to type this in 14 pt for some reason. That doesn’t bother me, but it is rather obvious and does throw up immediate red flags. Like this guy doesn’t have enough material for a full script. You break the “format rules” in other ways. The huge font near the end for example. I don’t care. But some anal reader defending the gates at a prodco might... Okay, so you’ve decided to type this in 14 pt for some reason. That doesn’t bother me, but it is rather obvious and does throw up immediate red flags. Like this guy doesn’t have enough material for a full script. You break the “format rules” in other ways. The huge font near the end for example. I don’t care. But some anal reader defending the gates at a prodco might. You’re also missing slugs throughout, which is more serious because it made for a sloggy read. Also tons of typos. And the CAPS throughout annoyed me. As did the constant FADES…
This is a zombie story. I guess they’ll never go out of style. Your basic idea is standard with some original and funny shenanigans thrown in (the talking squirrel). I liked the deadpan humor. I liked the strange tone. I liked your main character so much I wish you’d given him a name from the beginning (the squirrel got one). I liked the scene with Sol very much. Great dialogue here. This is low-budget, maybe you could shoot it yourself. But if you’re writing this as a spec, you’ll have to tighten up your description, change all the passive constructs to active and really work on the second act, developing your story further, offering an original angle. Right now it’s a stylish, quirky short movie.
P2 - WIFE giggles, closes her eyes, and holds
Her husband nearer.-typo
P4 - As the MAN approaches the landscaping
chore he grabs the machete that’s awaits.-typo
p5 – need new slugs for EXT and INT
p5 - HE then sees his WIFE coming down the stairs
Carrying the tray of lemonade with towel
Draped across her forearm.- typos, fix ‘em
P18 - Three ZACKS lay dead in the street.- lie
P20 - The MAN knows that if he gets cornered he can
get into the truck’s bed, where the ZACKS
can’t, immediately, reach him (ZACKS can’t
climb) and have a fighting chance.- this is “unfilmable” – only write what can be seen on screen
p37 - OLD MAN
Are you the boy that’s been burning
down houses in my neighborhood?- I like this conversation, it’s a very humanizing moment
p50- INT. MUSEUM - NIGHT
The two MEN walk the foyer of the Museum of
History and Industry.- stick in an establishing shot so we know where they are
P68- The beast charges at ZACH fast. HE realizes
the beast is, in fact, the strange ZACK that
stood in the street.- don’t use unfilmables
p72 - ZACH
I don’t know about that.
It just doesn’t make sense.
You just don’t get it.
No! It’s because you lack life e
experience, that’s all.- you need to break this solo dialogue up with description
p74 - ZACH begins to cry as HE slams HIS head against
the shutter.- I liked this scene too
p78 - HE repels down the rope to the backyard and,
with crowbar in hand, makes a mad-dash over HIS
vehicles and down through the front yards by
the street.- rappel read
by jayelveejr on 10/15/2009Let me preface my review of this by stating something. Although I used to be a huge zombie horror fan, and especially still love Romero's original Dawn of the Dead, I have grown so tired of the recent crop of zombie flicks coming out these days. This includes Romero's own Land of the Dead and Diary of ... I really wished he would have stopped after Day of the Dead but I suppose... Let me preface my review of this by stating something. Although I used to be a huge zombie horror fan, and especially still love Romero's original Dawn of the Dead, I have grown so tired of the recent crop of zombie flicks coming out these days. This includes Romero's own Land of the Dead and Diary of ... I really wished he would have stopped after Day of the Dead but I suppose money talks so zombies must walk. I didn't even like Shaun of the Dead which is revered as a zombie comedy masterpiece. I did enjoy the remake of Dawn of the Dead although it does pale in comparison to the original.
The reason I'm stating this in front of my review is because, normally, I would have probably deleted this assignment after about ten pages and gone on to something else. And the reason is because I couldn't have given you a constructive review based on my current "zombie" bias.
Now, the reason I didn't is because your logline of Castway meets Dawn of the Dead intrigued me and ... this is important to me ... this script has things in it, although familiar, that I thought were very good. You really hooked me into the story and that speaks volumes because of what I'm about to write next:
I could see a professional reviewer throw this script up against the wall after about five pages. Why? Because it's not even close to being a formatted screenplay. Now normally, I don't dwell on formatting or typos or the look of a script because those are things that can be fixed. It's the story I look at first and foremost. And I have to answer questions like: Does it work? Is it entertaining? Is it a page turner? Your script is yes to those three BUT ... and I'm sorry to say this is a big BUT, the formatting will kill it on arrival(no pun intended). I think this warrants you to fix this first because you really have some good stuff here, things that I was impressed with.
I think it is imperative for you to first, find a program like Final Draft or some other, you could even find some Word templates on line that have script add-on's that would help this right off the bat. I actually did a test on your page 64 and re-wrote it using Final Draft to see the proper formatting. Although your script is 92 pages, it's really more like 60 pages if properly formatted. Now, I think you can add the page count by adding some more visual scenes, more on that later. Basically your page 64 turned into a third of my page 64 and I added the first half of page 65 on your script. So basically, your page 64 and top half of page 65 is really only page 64 when properly done. I'm guessing then about 60 pages total right now.
I really think you should think about doing this first even before maybe submitting a revised version. I'm not sure if others will be as concerned. I normally am not but this one was a huge RED FLAG for me and just made it seem kind of sad because the script is more worthy of a better presentation than what is shown here. And remember, this is coming from someone who normally doesn't bother with improper formatting.
Okay, now to my actual review with some good stuff you did and some suggestions from a schmoe like myself so take them for what they are, just suggestions from one person's opinion.
I know some folks don't like voice overs but I wonder if some voice overs would help here. Your script actually reminded me of another different film than Castaway or Dawn. It gave me vibes of Luc Besson's first film, Le Dernier Combat, an apocalyptic sci-fi tale with few characters and something rare in a modern film - no dialogue. I kind of liked the fact that you don't give people names. I wonder if you should do that throughout as well and just keep the zombies named as the Zacks?
I think you have several decent dream sequences here and flashbacks and think you can add even more. There are certain points where you tell us things that are not filmed so they're not needed. I would suggest using visuals to tell. For example, things like ... the Man holds her in his arms, remembering their wedding, making love, finding out they were pregnant ... since we can't see it then you should use quick visuals to show these things in his mind. You could even have a voice over describing his thoughts, not sure, just an idea. We can't see things that a character is thinking so you have to show us. Remember, we're watching this as a film and not reading a script.
I think by adding these new "visuals" would also expand your page count as well. In fact, since this is a grim apocalyptic nightmare and you have so many good visuals, I think adding some "quiet, calm moments" would be a good interlude inbetween all the grim and gore throughout. Just a thought.
The scenes with Zach and Sol remind me a bit of Charlton Heston and Edward G. Robinson in 1972's sci fi apocalyptic tale Soylent Green. In fact, the old man Robinson plays I believe is named Sol in that as well. I would maybe lose the names and why not refer to him as just the old man? Also, I believe Soylent Green is being remade in the next couple years so it would probably hurt you here. I would lose his name and just have old man. The scene where they fight doesn't feel right in a way. Zach starts getting mad at Sol once he tries to explain what happened and Zach just snaps, I know he is in a state of shock in a way because of all that's happened but it seems wrong to take it out on the only other living person he has found. Maybe others will have a different take on that but it seemed like his actions here came out of left field in a way.
So, although you're not too preachy here, you guys are making a statement that whenever we try to civilize the world we hurt it....I suppose I've seen these types of messages in so many films of this type, where man causes man's own destruction that it starts to lose another notch of originality. I just don't think the preachy approach is as good as say the original explanation in Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead which is an inspiration here. If you remember the only explanation given for what is happening is ... when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. Perfectly simple and plain, not preachy or anything but just a rather poetic explanation in my mind. You kind of have the same meaning in the whole "we need to be reset" so I would stick with that more than the whole thing about us trying to civilize things and mucking it up. Although come to think of it, I believe Sol interjects all this so it does help create a conflict of ideas I suppose. Not sure. I guess my take is that when I want to see a horror flick, I dont want to be preached at I guess. Again maybe just me, see what others think.
Before I forget, another example of strange formatting and not sure it that was a technical glitch or what but I recall Zach saying something to Sol and Sol's response is formatted like this:
Not sure what that is? Wouldn't it be easier to write an action line like: "Sol gives him a puzzled look" or something to that effect?
The whole Sol sequence feels like it's a tad too long, almost like you're using it for padding. I did like the banter between them but a little goes a long way too. I think you could intercut some scenes of carnage or something, it kind of halts the whole thing to a quick stop at this point. You start off the script with a bang -- by the way, that did remind me of Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead where the action just starts with a bang and only later does the film slow down. I assume you named the zombies Zach as an in-joke to Snyder? Why not name them Romero's? But I digress ... Sol's sequence goes from page 36-63. That's about a half hour of story time, although since your script is not formatted correctly, it's probably less but I think by adding some cuts of the zombies doing stuff or even some more flashbacks or even flashforwards it would really help this part of the script. I did like how he finds Sol dead and for something reason, their relationship is a bit poetic which is not usual for a flick of this type. Oh, I think on page 83, when Zach finds Sol's diary and reads it -- you should have a voice over with Sol's voice. I think it would add a dramatic effect to the scene. Later on, another flag somewhere where you write something like ... he remembers his life with his wife and how she made him promise to wait ... again, things that can't be filmed, something inside a character's head, so you should SHOW US and not tell us.
I really liked how the Zack zombie appears in his mind and haunts him throught the latter part of the script. Also Chad, who kind of appears out of nowhere and was gone for a big chunk appears to him but ... I liked that whole thing with him at the end when Zach shoots him through the door ... or doesn he?
The ending was good. Oh, and another formatting thing, please lose the two giant graphic text messages you use at the end. Not good, a big flag ... just write it as a normal action line.
I'm not sure if you can extend this out longer to a feature script as I stated earlier, it's 92 pages now but more like 60 so you need to pad it quite a bit but really, you have so many good ideas here and there that this feels like a different type of zombie flick.
I'm sorry to write this but I would have given this a good overall if it wasn't for the formatting, it just wrecks what is a rather good horror tale with moments of sadness and grace as well as the usual gore. But the formatting just brings it down, way down because really, it doesn't even fit as a normal 90 page feature script.
The dialogue needs some work but really, this is more of a visual tale and it works on that level. I always look for how a script is visualized, in other words, can I see it on the screen and this one is a big yes.
Another reason I can't give it a good at this point yet is because I would have to see what you guys add to the 30 plus pages needed to lengthen this out. Unless of course, you can just use this as a 60-70 page script and go for more of a short film than full length feature. Oh, and one last thing that may not matter much but, not sure I love the title. (?)
Well, this review has been long enough. I really, really think this could turn into a cool horror flick, remember this is coming from one who is sick of zombie films but you guys drew me into the story.
Now, just work on the formatting and you just might have yourself a winner. Best of luck. read
by derekelkins on 10/15/2009I the movie Cast Away had been filmed as a zombie apocalypse movie, this would have been it. Unfortunately, there's just too little happening in here. As my high school English teacher used to tell me, you need to seriously condense your ideas and broaden your horizons. You've got a solid 93 pages in which to mess around in. Make your scenes short but succinct. Now, I... I the movie Cast Away had been filmed as a zombie apocalypse movie, this would have been it. Unfortunately, there's just too little happening in here. As my high school English teacher used to tell me, you need to seriously condense your ideas and broaden your horizons. You've got a solid 93 pages in which to mess around in. Make your scenes short but succinct.
Now, I do appreciate that it jumped right out with some action and didn't lag at the beginning. But, then it did lag for a very long time. You had action, that's for certain. But there was no conflict. And, when I say conflict, I mean between characters. The zombies aren't characters. They're more like scenery.
In addition, you need to look out for spelling errors because you have quite a bit. And it looks as if you didn't use any sort of formatting software as there are some inconsistencies. You may want to do a little investing.
Okay, let's get down to the basics a little. What is the plot in this story? What is the man's over-arcing goal? It seemed a little meandering a times, like it had no idea where it was going and couldn't really care less. If you're here to tell a morality tale, then I couldn't find it. There needs to be a clearly defined goal, otherwise, it just wanders around like a zombie.
Next, I'd bring the encounter with the old man way up to the front. But figure out where you're going first. The old man needs to be part of the trip. Also think about the bigger story reflecting in the young man's story. If the meaning is that sometimes the world needs to be reset, then show us why and how and how it resets in the young man's life.
Oh, and last thing, I hope I don't sound like I hated the script cause I didn't. It just has so many ways it could really go and be that much stronger. Also, try to show us more through actions rather than tell through exposition. read
by RJWIII on 10/14/2009I lived in Seattle for thirteen years, so it’s always fun to read material that takes place at my old stomping grounds. The script is fast paced and flows nicely. A few formatting issues I want to mention right off: You can drop all the fade in/fade outs inserted between scenes; it’s the scene headings’ job to transition us. No need to capitalize all the pronouns that refer... I lived in Seattle for thirteen years, so it’s always fun to read material that takes place at my old stomping grounds. The script is fast paced and flows nicely.
A few formatting issues I want to mention right off: You can drop all the fade in/fade outs inserted between scenes; it’s the scene headings’ job to transition us. No need to capitalize all the pronouns that refer to your characters – simply capitalize their names the first time we see them and then lowercase thereafter. Page 84 and 91: You don’t want to put any graphic images in your SP. The words typed in all caps will suffice.
Naming the zombies ‘Zacks’ and the main character Zach works against your story. Early on, Zach is referred to as the ‘MAN’, giving the impression that he is the last man on earth. On page 15 it says he affectionately calls the creatures ‘Zacks’, making it seem as if this is a pet name he himself gave them, but later we see that they are referenced to in the newspaper as ‘Zacks.’
Then on page 39 you have the big reveal that the ‘MAN’ is actually named Zach. The payoff for this twist is not big enough to warrant inclusion in the script, especially when it causes needless confusion down the road (The page 72 conversation with himself - Zach and Zach - and then the follow up exchange on page 76 between he and the zombie – Zack and Zach). Besides, he never actually verbalizes the word ‘Zacks’ until he meets Sol, so this whole build up based on the word association would be lost on a viewing audience.
Chad represents Wilson from ‘Cast Away’, but because of the bizarre nature of the world, it isn’t apparent if Zach is imaging his conversations with him or this is a mutated talking squirrel
Page 53: It’s hard to believe Zach was taken completely off guard by the viral outbreak. Everyone in the world would be talking about it.
Page 63: Not everyone is going to know what a Walther WA 2000 is. Tagging on the words ‘sniper rifle’ will clarify this.
There are too many dream sequences in the script. If they don’t advance the plot or reveal something about Zach’s nature then they are gratuitous and need to be axed.
Zach is portrayed early on as being pretty laid back about the whole zombie situation – why the sudden urgency for an escape plan and the rapid downward spiral into despair that compels him to frivolously gamble with his life on a game of Russian roulette?
It would have been fun to see some direct references to specific Seattle locations and have scenes transpire at these locations: Seattle Center/Space Needle, Pike Place Market, Westlake Center and the monorail, Gasworks Park, etc.
All in all, it was an entertaining read and with some tightening it would be fun to watch as a movie. read
by magneto1138 on 10/13/2009For years now I have wanted a different zombie movie, and I believe this one takes the cake. It is not your typical Romero movie. It was a great mixture of horror, suspense, comedy, and drama. The characters were very enjoyable, and when Zach had interactions with other characters was great, especially with Chad. Though I would have liked to have seen more of Sol, but what... For years now I have wanted a different zombie movie, and I believe this one takes the cake. It is not your typical Romero movie. It was a great mixture of horror, suspense, comedy, and drama. The characters were very enjoyable, and when Zach had interactions with other characters was great, especially with Chad. Though I would have liked to have seen more of Sol, but what I did see of him was incredible. The scenes of psychosis were like that of a Danny Boyle movie, like The Beach. I truly believe that this could be one of the best zombie movies made. Completely breaking routine from others in the past, and I would love to see it on the big screen. And the ending...WOW! I almost cried it was so good. read
- Writer: Calvin Tyler, Jordan Waldmeier
- Uploaded by: ctyler85
- Length: 93 pages
- Genre: drama, horror
- It's "Cast Away" meets "Dawn of the Dead."
- Bio: I'm a guy. I love a good movie. I hold a degree from Community College, am married, have two children, both of which are sons. I am estranged from my mother and never, really, knew my father until manhood. That's me in a nutshell. I would also like to view comments on why a person removes one of my projects, no matter the reason, from their assignments. Please do let me know where it lost you so that I may proceed to better my abilities. I will do the same. Thanks for listening.
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