Reviews of Before I Get Old (Rev 2) 8

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  Getting Old
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by locust123 on 06/10/2006
  Enjoyable read but needs some more molding of characters. All the dialogue was spot on - original, funny. I like the idea of a guy coming back to revisit an old life but I was kind of unsure of the premise. Did he come back to close the chapter about Ed? If so, he didn’t succeed in that. If he didn’t come back to close the chapter on Ed then why is he there? Is it to... Enjoyable read but needs some more molding of characters. All the dialogue was spot on - original, funny. I like the idea of a guy coming back to revisit an old life but I was kind of unsure of the premise. Did he come back to close the chapter about Ed? If so, he didn’t succeed in that. If he didn’t come back to close the chapter on Ed then why is he there? Is it to see the old gang? If so, what impact did the gang have on his life in the present – except that he doesn’t drink anymore because of what happened with Ed.
  
  The other thing with Ed is that you bring him in way too late. We know nothing about him until Ian comes in and tells us the whole story of Ed.
  
  Also with Ian, the reason you give that he’s so into money is because his girlfriend left him? Don’t buy it. Especially a guy with a dream as big as he had. Plus, what time frame are we talking about from the time the girl/wife left to the time he became a successful businessman? It seemed too soon. Ian seemed liked he was thrown in to give a lot of exposition. I like the thing with them jumping off the edge in the end but I didn’t find it believable. Actually, the entire confrontation at the castle seemed manufactured The flashback to Pete and Wendy talking about what they want to do and Pete starts talking about other people’s problems seemed over-the-top in the sense that it was almost comical that a guy (a type of guy I have never met in my life) would be so obsessed with other people’s problems – so much so that he ignores his own problems. Another thing to look at is Pete’s character arc – he hasn’t changed at all in ten years. He’s running around the world helping others. He blames himself for Ed. Plus, why would he be happy to see that car that he wrecked? I would think that it would only make him feel terrible. If anything, you could use that car for him to close the book with Ed but instead, Pete doesn’t change.
  
  Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of great stuff in here. I just think you need to flush out the characters and look at the third act which I think is your weakest. But good work, look forward to seeing the movie. read
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  Review
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by GimmeABreak on 06/10/2006
  Some comments/questions as I read: * although the banter is witty, it leans a tad too strongly toward the profane. Some of your target audience may not be able to see the pic because of the rating. * there are some nice transitions between the past and the present but I'm still clueless about where the story's going. Pete seems to be the main characters but a lot of the conversation... Some comments/questions as I read:
  * although the banter is witty, it leans a tad too strongly toward the profane. Some of your target audience may not be able to see the pic because of the rating.
  * there are some nice transitions between the past and the present but I'm still clueless about where the story's going. Pete seems to be the main characters but a lot of the conversation focuses on Hutch. Who IS the protag?
  
  Concept: reminded me a little of The Big Chill and Sleepers. A story of the "good ol' days" told mostly via flashback. Classified as a "bitter-sweet comedy-drama." Although there were some humorous moments, I don't know that I could call this comedy. It felt straight drama to me and rather tragic drama at that.
  
  Story: didn't suck me in because of structural weaknesses and underdeveloped characters primarily. See below for more specifics.
  
  Dialog: except for Ian's exposition in the third act, it was generally good. Lot of subtext. Was disappointed that Ed's backstory was told instead of shown.
  
  Structure: some weakness here. The main character (Pete) wasn't a strong protag - maybe not even a protag at all. There's no clear goal and the only thing that resembles an antag is Pete himself. I don't see an arc because Pete doesn't seem any different at the end than he was at the beginning. Not sure of the theme, either. The message seems to be something along the lines of not being able to help others until you help yourself but it's never even hinted why Pete's so avoidant. Not all but a lot of people who go into the helping professions do so because they can't or don't want to face their own problems. We never see what it is that Pete's avoiding or why he's compelled to do so. The reason for Jim's marriage to Amy when he had previously admitted to not being in love with her wasn't clear. If Amy had been pregnant with Brittany, that would have been a reason but Brittany wasn't old enough.
  
  Characters: some developed better than others. Pete is underdeveloped and very weak for a protag. Wendy reminds me of the Minnie Driver character in Sleepers. Ian's rage kind of comes out of the blue. Hutch is the comic relief but feels like a throw-away character since he really doesn't DO anything but drink and crack jokes. Jim and Amy are kind of just there - they don't get in the way or detract but they don't do anything to enlighten me or interest me.
  
  General: if I were rewriting this, I'd get rid of Hutch, show a little more backstory on Ed and take a serious look at both Pete and Ian. Right now, Pete's not compelling and the only growth he experiences is because of a confrontation with Ian. Ian could be a decent antag because he has a strong will but we need to see what causes his change of heart and he and Pete need to get into it earlier and more often. Maybe if Ian had been against having Ed in the group earlier, that could be a source of conflict between the two. Pete feels guilty for bringing Ed in, Ian feels guilt for not having treated him better. Don't know, just a thought.
  
  Best with your rewrites. read
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  Entertaining
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by mystica on 03/22/2006
  I really liked this script. The idea was a bit cliche, basically been used quite a lot of times, but it was a relaxing read and enjoyable. It weould be one of those movies that they show on TV, not in the theatres, though. Other than that, great writing keep up the good work and hopefully you'll have a hit one day.
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  Good dialogue, but you need to make me care more about Ed.
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by agclines on 02/01/2006
  I've reviewed the PDF version, so page numbers refer to that. This isn't the type of movie I'd choose to watch, as there are no explosions and only one crash, so please keep that in mind ... I find that the first page, with the photographs, does nothing for me. You could start right at page two, with Pete looking at the photo (maybe with the name of the band scrawled on... I've reviewed the PDF version, so page numbers refer to that. This isn't the type of movie I'd choose to watch, as there are no explosions and only one crash, so please keep that in mind ...
  
  I find that the first page, with the photographs, does nothing for me. You could start right at page two, with Pete looking at the photo (maybe with the name of the band scrawled on the back) -- that would get right into the action. As it stands, the photo mantage/credit sequence listed might take a long, long time to show what they are supposed to show.
  
  I liked much of the dialogue in this script, it's funny (in a good way), my favorite exchange being the one that ends on page 32 with "It's only six years of misery. Stay with her for fifty four, then dump her."
  
  Some of the characters are strongly defined ... I get a good sense of the minor character MANNY especially, I wanted to see more of him despite there being no real place for him elsewhere.
  
  However, this leads to my biggest issue with the script. By the time it's mentioned that Ed is dead (page 68, although there are earlier clues), I found that I had forgotten who Ed was ... so it didn't really strike me, or bother me as it would the characters. There's good misdirection with his death, as I though Pete killed him in a car crash until the reveal of the actual cause, but we find out more about Ed after his death than before.
  
  Most of Ed's character seems to be described to us in dialogue, rather than shown to us. Pete tells us a lot about characters on page 78, Ian tells us a lot about Ed on page 88, but I'd rather have SEEN this from Ed than be told about it.
  
  If I knew more about Ed before I knew he was dead, I might be able to relate more to the feelings of the characters. As it stands, I'm a bit emotionally disconnected from them all.
  
  Also, I'm not getting much of a sense of individual character from Jim.
  Pete, Wendy, Hutch, and Ian are all strong, though.
  
  I got the whole Peter Pan / Neverland Prophets / forever young connection early, and the pirate thing, but it took me to near the end of the script to get the Pete / Wendy thing ... doh. So, it's good naming you've used, as it's not overly obvious ... maybe it is to other people.
  
  Other nitpicky things:
  1) I can't see why anyone, especially Pete, would be happy to see Rosinant back. It seems it would be too connected to the night of Ed's death.
  2) On page 53, the heavily armed clowns are amusing, but may be a bit too broad of a comedic element compared to the tone of the rest of the script. It was funny, but a bit jarring.
  3) The bungee cord bit makes sense as a resolution, but seems a bit implausible. This may not be a proble ... you might want to see if other reviewers have an issue with this.
  4) Nested flashbacks may be an issue .. it's may need a bit of cleaning up to clarify flashbacks, as you seem to not use END OF FLASHBACK at the end of every flashback. Maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention.
  5) Page 49 - every time I've opened Christmas crackers (and you may want to clarify on page 48 what these are, for American readers who can't goet it from the context) at least one person puts on the paper crown. I think it's a universal law.
  6) page 49) "It's a Tolkien of our gratitude." caused my physical pain ... keep it!
  7) you may want to juggle the ending a bit to END the script on Pete, as that's where the script started ... once again, other reviewers may disagree.
  8) page 58 "We don't want any accidents later on." ---> Intentional foreshadowing?
  9) Pete is supposed to be a helpful fellow ... I think you may need to show this a bit more than telling this ...
  
  Overall, I enjoyed it. It was a quick read, the dialogue was amusing, and Pete was able to at least partly resolve some long-held issues. Friends reconnect after ten years, that's always good. But make me care more about Ed, so I understand more why they disconnected in the first place. read
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  A nice little read.
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by mrwriter on 12/19/2005
  This was an enjoyable read, it had a nice little story with some very likeable characters. It reminded me of the Ted Demme film Beautiful Girls, and I believe it would just as enjoyable to watch. I like these kind of films / Screenplays where the main character returns home and we catch up with people from his childhood, some who have made their dreams come true and others... This was an enjoyable read, it had a nice little story with some very likeable characters. It reminded me of the Ted Demme film Beautiful Girls, and I believe it would just as enjoyable to watch. I like these kind of films / Screenplays where the main character returns home and we catch up with people from his childhood, some who have made their dreams come true and others whom have failed along the way. This story was very poignant and I did have a lump in my throat reading some parts.
  
  Now for the bad parts (there aren't too many). You should consider toning down the bad language, your characters are strong and they don't have to swear to get their feelings across. EXT. THE CASTLE, TOWER - NIGHT - FLASHBACK - TEN YEARS AGO
  
  The above is taken from your SP, however it should read:
  
  FLASHBACK BEGINS
  
  EXT. THE CASTLE, TOWER - NIGHT
  
  Super: Ten Years Ago
  
  APrt from this I truly enjoyed your SP, well done. read
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  Before I get old
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by Joelle on 12/16/2005
  Nice opening scene. You write well and the story is one of those movies that you might have to watch more than once to get everything out of it. I like your characters. At first they were not too distinct, but as the sp went along they each got their respective identities and I was able to know each one without any effort. I thought the story was well written, and the dialouge... Nice opening scene. You write well and the story is one of those movies that you might have to watch more than once to get everything out of it. I like your characters. At first they were not too distinct, but as the sp went along they each got their respective identities and I was able to know each one without any effort.
  I thought the story was well written, and the dialouge sharp. I'm British born, so I enjoyed the dialouge very much.
  I think there are so many flashbacks though, that it gets confusing. I think on screen it wouldn't becasue the guys would be younger and you could see that, of course that might be a problem finding actors that can play older and younger in an effective way.
  The more I got into the story, the more I liked it. I felt like I knew the people by the end of the sp.
  The Wendy Pete relationship? I'm not sure if that worked at the end, did Pete really know she liked him all along? Did he like her but was too afraid of committment? I did like the twist with the thimble, in fact when I saw your avatar, it took me a while to figure out what it was. At first I thought it was some kind of electric heater ha ha. (my eyes aren't that good) then when I looked closer I figured it out.
  There's a lot of characters, I would maybe cut one of them, but who? That is the thing, I suppose, you need Pete and Ian, and Wendy and Hutch. so maybe the Jim and Amy characters. Not sure..
  My thoughts are that this is a good ensemble piece, I'd like to know why Pete is the way he is, I think we need more backstory there, why is he a pleaser? Usually pleasers have some traumatic event in their childhood that makes them that way.
  Final thoughts, I enjoyed this, I think it would make a good indie film. The characters are memorable in their own way. The story has enough mystery and the solving of it, is satisfying. The writer has a good command of writing dialogue and visual scenes. So good job, and good luck with this!!! read
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  Esteem Heat
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by David Muhlfelder on 12/15/2005
  The script is very well written, as are all of your scripts. It had good pacing and flow. I think I would've preferred if you had begun with Pete's arrival at Arkham. The opening on the train, and at Victoria felt superfluous. I would've liked to have known what Hutch became famous for, and how Ian made his money. Of all the characters, I found Ian the most interesting. He... The script is very well written, as are all of your scripts. It had good pacing and flow. I think I would've preferred if you had begun with Pete's arrival at Arkham. The opening on the train, and at Victoria felt superfluous. I would've liked to have known what Hutch became famous for, and how Ian made his money. Of all the characters, I found Ian the most interesting. He displayed the biggest contrast between his elder and younger self. The idea of people's lives being thrown off course as the result of one tragic event is intellectually interesting, but I'm not sure how it would play onscreen. I actually liked the paralell storytelling. You did a good job of revealing things in bits and pieces which kept me reading and interested. The dialogue was very good. But I had a problem with Pete's character. I didn't feel I knew him any better at the end than I did at the beginning. Why did he feel so undeserving? His need to sublimate his own feelings for the sake of others made him come off as somewhat passive-agressive, and I felt that made him a bit of a sanctimonious prig. I didn't totally buy his guilt over Ed. Yes, he was the "helper" before the accident, and this time he was unable to help, but I wanted to know what made him the "helper" to begin with. You do a masterful job at time shifting. Maybe you could include the incident (or incidents) in his past that set Pete on the path he took. Good luck. read
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  "Before I Get Old" Review
  A review of Before I Get Old (Rev 2)
  by eli fowler on 12/15/2005
  Hi Phillip. As I read through your spec I jotted down some notes. First off I'll say that I found the characters in your story to be very enjoyable. My favorite character was, not surprisngly, Hutch. Reminds me of one of my friends! Your writing flowed nicely and was easy to read. Great dialogue. One of the problems I noticed was the overuse of flashbacks. I could see... Hi Phillip. As I read through your spec I jotted down some notes. First off I'll say that I found the characters in your story to be very enjoyable. My favorite character was, not surprisngly, Hutch. Reminds me of one of my friends! Your writing flowed nicely and was easy to read. Great dialogue. One of the problems I noticed was the overuse of flashbacks. I could see that being a big problem for any industry people who submit your work to. I would suggest cutting out as many of them as possible. I found the bungee jump scene on page 87 a little far-etched. How could Pete not notice a large bungee cord around Ian's legs as he spoke to him? Why would you risk your friend's life to prove a point to him? Arent there many alternative ways he could have tried before going to the most extreme? He hasn't seen him in 10 years! Also it seemed out of character for Ian to do something like that. Maybe Hutch, but not Ian. And how could Pete go from grabbing Ian's wrist as he fell to being in such a position that he could latch on to him? Ian would likely be falling feet first while Pete fell head first above him. Seem unlikely to me. It seems unlikely that Ian and Pete would be able to hold on to each other through a bungee jump without falling, even if they had the best possible grip on eachother. When Pete is sitting in his car after the accident, he hears Ed's voice in his head and says "It should have been me." I found that scene very corny. I would change it to him reflecting on what happened and maybe crying. I didn't see the need for the montage on page 68. Also it is not formatted correctly. Remember to add a comma before a person's name in the dialogue. Example from pg. 42 "See you tonight bud." SHOULD BE: "See you tonigh, bud." Things like that. I noticed it throughout your spec. "No hopers should be "No-hopers." Maybe add "chanting in parenthesis when Hutch is chanting "Wendy, Wendy, show us your tits!" pg. 65 emphasize was by putting it in italics and maybe changing it to: "was my life." pg 76 Pisshead is one word. Good luck with your spec and I hope that I helped you in some way. read