Reviews of Beyond Doubt 9

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  Needs more research
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by hywelberry on 10/19/2011
  Here on Triggerstreet, and out in the world of specs, I think you can bracket scripts from new or unknown writers into three categories. 1) Scripts that are just plain bad. 2) Scripts by writers who have studied their craft but are missing some major elements of a sellable script. 3) Scripts that are genuinely good and tick all the boxes, but lack that special something... Here on Triggerstreet, and out in the world of specs, I think you can bracket scripts from new or unknown writers into three categories.
  
  1) Scripts that are just plain bad.
  2) Scripts by writers who have studied their craft but are missing some major elements of a sellable script.
  3) Scripts that are genuinely good and tick all the boxes, but lack that special something that makes it worth buying.
  
  The fourth category are scripts that are so good that you need to buy them straight away. Unfortunately for all of us, the numbers in this last category are so small as to not even really warrant their own group at this stage.
  
  Personally, I would put “Beyond Doubt” into category 2. Your script is clean and well presented. It gets off to a pacy start and is a thriller that is intriguing. I wanted to know who did it, and then I wanted to know whether Harry would get convicted and was happy to read to the end to find out. In that sense, it has a strong grasp of plot and is very successful.
  
  The major elements where it is not so successful are: Reliance on cliché, dialogue that feels forced and unbelievable, lack of subtext to the characters, dialogue and theme, and lastly, research.
  Let’s look at what worked first of all.
  
  I like that you got on with the story straight away. It has been argued by many writers much better than me that it is not necessary in a feature film to kick off with a “grabber”. This is a TV trick and not necessary for an audience who aren’t going anywhere. However, over the years this had led to many horribly clichéd openings of meeting the cop in his home life, or the end of a previous case for a few minutes before finally getting on with the story at hand. In its own way, starting with the murder on page 1 is no longer the hallmark of an amateur and more the trick of someone willing to get on with the story.
  
  Scenes are short and to the point. There is very little extraneous dialogue or description. There are a few scenes where the maxim of “lose the first line and the last line” could be enacted without losing much from the scene, but in general you could not be accused of wallowing in individual scenes.
  
  These traits in a script, and in a writer, are very useful and are the sort of thing that can get a working writer regular work. However, we need to have a script so good that we get in the door and become a working writer first of all, and I don’t feel that this script is yet good enough to get you there.
  
  I will make these observations about this particular script, but they are more my interpretation of where your writing as a whole is right now and will hopefully be of use to you in future drafts, but more importantly future scripts.
  There is an old saying, (And I’m paraphrasing) “If a film is about what a film is about then the film is in trouble.” I.e. Feature films need a strong subtext and theme to them. What is the film really about? There is a theme to your film – Justice. What is true Justice? And this plays out in the central question, “Should Harry be allowed to get away with murder as justice for the murder of his wife?” However, that question is not raised until after page 60 of a 109 page script.
  
  That central question, whatever it is, needs to be asked of the characters and the audience no later than page 30 at the Act 1 turn. As a film about revenge and justice, page 30 is when the revenge needs to be taken. Then it is a film about Justice. As a film with a similar theme, in “Death Wish” page 30 is when Charles Bronson goes out and fights back against the mugger, deciding in his own mind to take vigilante justice. Now the audience asks itself, “whose side am I on?”
  
  In your case, if Harry kills Jason at Page 30, immediately after that trial falls apart, then Anton, deep down, will know that it is Harry. If Harry admits it to him quite quickly it now puts Anton into his true dilemma. Does he follow the law and arrest Harry or let a version of justice play out by letting him go free?
  All choices must now come out of this. If he decides to let him go free, what if Harry goes after other people involved? How many can he kill before Anton steps in? And now he has let him go, how can he admit the truth?
  
  The first 60 minutes of your screenplay are currently no more than a pretty basic TV crime thriller. Woman is killed. Cop must find out who did it. There’s no more to it. In fact, if I’m being honest, it is much less interesting than even a standard episode of “Law and Order”. The killer is not particularly interesting or memorable and we never even find out why he did it, giving us no personal investment in the crime or the cop or the killer.
  
  A feature must be much much more than this. The characters must have much more at stake. More to gain. More to lose. More that has led up to this moment. Look at “Basic Instinct”. Michael Douglas isn’t just a happy cop with a nice wife. He has been on restricted duty and in counseling because he shot a suspect. He says it was self defense, but as the film progresses we come to believe that perhaps there was much more to it. He is after a killer who not only seduces him but who basically admits to the cops that she did it, challenging them to catch her. Their affair is now a jumble of moral choices. We still want to know who the killer is and we wait intently for Douglas to catch them, but the film is about something, not just a series of scenes that lead up to someone getting caught.
  
  The second major failing of the script is your level of research. There is a very funny sketch by Mitchell & Webb (I think you’re British and will therefore know who they are) about two TV writers working on a medical drama who couldn’t be bothered to do any medical research and so end up with a script where doctors say things like “Stand back! I’m going to use the electricity machine that if you’re very poorly can make you feel better but if you’re not really poorly can make you even more ill.”
  Obviously, the stuff in your script is not quite that bad, but at points it’s not far off, and importantly it shows up in areas that are absolutely crucial to the plot.
  
  I may not know much about the British legal system, but I do know that if police have entered a home and gathered evidence without a search warrant, then it is known and dealt with by everyone involved a long time before it makes it to court. When the file is given to the Crown Prosecution Service they would be made acutely aware that no search warrant was obtained and would most likely opt not to continue with prosecution. If they truly felt that grounds existed for officers to enter without a warrant then this would be raised by the defense and argued by both sides at pre-trial hearings and would be ruled on by the judge before the trial within a closed courtroom so as to not influence the jury. That your two major plot points hang on something so desperately incorrect reflects unnecessarily poorly on you as a writer.
  
  I don’t like research either, but the world that you create must feel 100% genuine. For instance, the vast majority of the work after a murder is done in the first 48 hours. These first two days are crucial to getting any leads before they go cold. Anyone who’s ever watched “The First 48” knows that. You’ve got the lead detective following up on the husband’s alibi over a week later. It rings as so ill researched as to pull you completely out of the script.
  
  If this is a script that you feel worth pursuing then for your next draft you must find a detective and a barrister that you can talk to. A friend of a friend somewhere. People are actually amazingly open to giving up their time to writers. They find it fun to talk about their lives with the possibility of it finding its way onto film.
  
  The other by product of this lack of research is the number of cliché ridden moments and dialogue. I didn’t think a script has had a policeman saying “Bingo” when the crucial evidence was found since 1984. You must be your characters, and they must be different from characters we have ever seen before.
  
  This isn’t a bad script. As I said at the beginning, it is a script by a writer who has studied his craft, but just has too many problems at the moment, but they are all fixable problems. For this script and your writing as a whole.
  
  Good luck with future drafts and future scripts. read
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  A detective lets a killer go free through a careless mistake, then makes the same one to set things right.
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by Revale on 10/05/2011
  Beyond Doubt is an interesting story with a nice plausible twist at the end that is ultimately satisfying. The concept and the plot are sound and I found the structural beats to be in place. The writing is good overall but the dialogue needs to be trimmed back in places just to make it tighter and more interesting. Most of the things I can criticize are minor and easily fixed... Beyond Doubt is an interesting story with a nice plausible twist at the end that is ultimately satisfying. The concept and the plot are sound and I found the structural beats to be in place. The writing is good overall but the dialogue needs to be trimmed back in places just to make it tighter and more interesting.
  
  Most of the things I can criticize are minor and easily fixed in a few hours.
  
  CHARACTER NAMES: there were a lot of character names tossed out early on and some of them could easily have been denoted as LAB GUY, POLICE # 1, # 2, etc since they aren't important and are never seen again. At Harry's gym, the receptionist isn't named, but at Anton's she is although she has less dialogue. Omar, the waiter is unimportant, he doesn't need a name. On and on, if you get my drift. Makes it easier on the reader to keep track as we expect named characters to advance the plot.
  
  BEATS: You use beats and pauses a lot to break up dialogue. It would make the script more interesting if you gave the characters something to do instead, like fumble to light a cigarette, jangle change in his pocket, etc. Beats and pauses tend to take the reader out of the script and remind them it's a movie.
  
  PROOFREAD: You need to go over the script more carefully and add some commas and question marks. There are some misspellings and a couple of mistakes such as on page 27, the character is called Terence Bridgewater and on page 36, Tomas Bridgewater. If it was a slip by Jason, that should be pointed out. On page 88, the scene only includes Anton and Craig, but at the end it says Brian walks out. Proofread! These things do count.
  
  REPETITIVE: on page 33 and 34, you say the characters FLOP on the bed three times in one scene. Try one flops, one falls back, one sprawls etc. Of course, this goes back to proofreading with a red pencil or running a find word device.
  
  PLAUSIBILITY: I have a small problem with plausibility in two places. First, on page 33 when Deidre is frightened and calls out to Anton several times but he doesn't answer. I think you could toss in a deafening thunderstorm or a television blaring to drown out her calling because otherwise I think he would hear her in the hall.
  Second: pages 94-95, Anton and Craig have been friends all along, but without warning Craig lashes out at him. I think this would work better if you set up a little resentment earlier on. Just a hint would help.
  
  DIALOGUE: Your dialogue is good but tends to run overly long in places. Just trim a little fat or break it up by inserting some action in between some of the run on speeches. There are also a few places where it's just boring such as page 58 where Anton talks to the receptionist and at home where he and Deidre discuss dinner, etc.
  All dialogue should focus us on the plot and advance it. We don't go to movies to hear mundane subjects discussed. Also, on page 26 when Brian is speaking with the press, he says "HOW DARE YOU?" Not really a believable thing to say, you can lose it and the rest sounds good.
  
  DESCRIPTIONS: You sometimes run on too much in action and description paragraphs. Never go over 3 lines and if you can condense it more, all the better. Example: on page 30 you could just put it this way and it would be just as effective:
  "Harry spots Jason across the street and their eyes meet. Jason is surprised for a second (redundant to say a BRIEF second) then smirks as he walks away. Harry hurries after him."
  
  All in all, you have done an excellent job and I really enjoyed reading your script. I know most of this sounds like nitpicking but with a good screenplay like this, all you need to do is tighten up minor flaws and you'll be ready to send it out there.
  
  Good luck.
  
  
  
  
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  Good Examination of Moral Conflict, but Shallow in character.
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by ClockworkPirate on 10/04/2011
  Firstly, I enjoyed reading Beyond Doubt. The idea that a widower would take up violence to avenge his wife's murder when the courts and/or police fail to secure the perpetrator is certainly a credible premise. I had a few concerns, mostly relating to dialogue and interactions between characters. Conversations, particularly in the first dozen or twenty pages are very clipped... Firstly, I enjoyed reading Beyond Doubt. The idea that a widower would take up violence to avenge his wife's murder when the courts and/or police fail to secure the perpetrator is certainly a credible premise.
  
  I had a few concerns, mostly relating to dialogue and interactions between characters. Conversations, particularly in the first dozen or twenty pages are very clipped and cold. They show very little of the personalities of the characters, and it is during the first few scenes that the ground work for character is typically lain. In fact the dialogue seemed so clipped as to feel unnatural.
  
  The main exception to this is the scene between Anton and Harry when they go out for a drink. That is really the best example of guys actually behaving like human beings. The other conversations seem too sharp and too precise. People just aren't that put together.
  
  Who is John? At one point we go to John's Office, but we do not know why. Perhaps he is the head of forensics, perhaps the scene heading should indicate who this new character is even if the dialogue does not.
  
  Anton also seems shallow, apart from rather sudden outbursts of rage in court, with his partner and what seems like crocodile tears when faced with losing his wife in a divorce, he apathetic to everything but the case. He is flippant and antagonistic with Jason. His conversation with Harry immediately following the discovery of his dead wife has no empathy at all. Until we find out that his Dad went to jail for defending his home and family, he seems very one sided. In fact the party scene, where his un-named friends joke that he is Sherlock Holmes is a great display of his callousness, particularly when he described the murder scene. (Also something that a police officer would not due on an active case.)
  
  Anton is thoroughly unprofessional, which may be purposeful since that is what causes his problem when Jason's charges are dismissed and ultimately what let's him exercise his conscience but still allow his own brand of justice. Additionally, the continual references to victims and suspects by their first name and even addressing a suspect by their first name is very unprofessional and does not ring true.
  
  Formatting, particularly when scenes move from one room to another could use work. This could be accomplished without the CAPS for room names.
  
  Error on page 88...Test indicates Brian leaves. Craig is the one in the scene that is leaving for his date.
  
  Overall this is a good draft. The plot is clear and the moral conflict is believable. The subplot with the relationship issues with Deidre is actual one of the stronger parts of the script. It is merely the callousness of Anton that rings false that spoils that interchange. It is however the execution that is lacking. Dialogue needs to ring more true and characters need more realistic emotional depth rather than ONLY sudden switches in emotion.
  
  
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  Well-conceived thriller that needs to slow down a little
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by EricPinkela on 10/04/2011
  The writer has achieved one of the most difficult things in screenwriting — creating deep, rich characters that are different from one another. Each has their own voice, not the voice of the writer. Anton shines as a funny, self-deprecating, conflicted protagonist. Deirdre is pretty close to the prototypical cop's wife, but the writer has given her enough quirks to distinguish... The writer has achieved one of the most difficult things in screenwriting — creating deep, rich characters that are different from one another. Each has their own voice, not the voice of the writer. Anton shines as a funny, self-deprecating, conflicted protagonist. Deirdre is pretty close to the prototypical cop's wife, but the writer has given her enough quirks to distinguish her from the crowd. Craig is a solid sidekick, who even has some ambition of his own.
  
  The story, specifically the exposition, could benefit from the same kind of depth that the writer gives his characters. He moves too quickly through the description of Harry's apartment, of Anton's office, of the grisly crime scene. I want to be able to picture the places his characters go, the looks on their faces, the anguish over the tough decisions.
  
  And while I like the twist to the story, I think it needs a little more detail to be more believable. I can't imagine that Craig (or Anton's boss, for that matter) wouldn't be absolutely certain that Anton had a search warrant this time. And, if he didn't get one, that detail would have certainly come out before the trial. I think some increased subterfuge on Anton's part is called for. He needs to disguise his plan better for the reader (and hopefully, the viewer) to fall in line.
  
  Overall, this is a promising piece of writing. I can't wait to see Daniel Craig or Colin Firth as Anton. read
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  Going down detective
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by wordimaging on 09/22/2011
  Everyone loves a detective story. The idea of having one slowly moving towards a career exit is interesting. Nonetheless, Anton's motivations and actions are not convincing me. We read that he's a "golden boy... favorite" but nothing is his behavior or actions makes us witness it (Brian and Craig saying it just won't do. We have to see it). Anton is acting more like an amateur... Everyone loves a detective story. The idea of having one slowly moving towards a career exit is interesting. Nonetheless, Anton's motivations and actions are not convincing me. We read that he's a "golden boy... favorite" but nothing is his behavior or actions makes us witness it (Brian and Craig saying it just won't do. We have to see it). Anton is acting more like an amateur (no warrant for Ellen's murder case is too 101-police work to work; no follow thru at Woody's gym even though the receptionist says she did not see Harry that week!) and at a verge of a breakdown (weeping, begging for kisses, confused, bad judgement for his 1 case, indecisive, aloof...). The friend relation with Harry is without bases. Anton thinks he's the killer. They get drunk (a strange behavior for a detective on the job), and befriend. Something is missing... We need a strong motivation for Anton to see Harry as a friend. (At one point, I thought Anton was coming out of the closest, and found Harry so irresistible he lost his professional cool.) So, when Anton saves Harry at the end, I am in total disbelief.
  Never, at any point, am I convinced Jason killed Ellen. What's his motivation? The Terence (or Tomas.. correction to be made. First, he's called Terence. When Anton rewinds tape, he's called Tomas) character is not needed to the story). Although, it is a fact that a detective needs to talk to a lot of suspects, it's not necessarily script-useful. Many extras could be removed as it slows down the plot and makes us all too confused as to what the story is mainly about.
  The script follows many leads. Love story between Deirdre and Anton? Unresolved murder cases? Justice errors? Spontaneous friendship over professional judgement? Portrait of day-to-day police actions, hierarchy? Somehow, the convention of the script is unclear. Identification to characters needs the writer back at the drawing board to check who's who, what he/she wants, etc. Mainly, the writer may want to ask himself : What is my leading action line is this story from which all other minor actions spring? What do I want the audience to know, remember, reflect, feel, not feel... (whichever...). Perhaps the core of the script is "a golden boy detective going down - thus progressing towards more and more bad judgements - meets a long lost friend along the way, and uses him to bring the all so perfect tower down." If it is, show don't tell. If it something else, I'm eager to read it. read
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  "reads like a television script"
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by cpetrilla on 09/20/2011
  The characters are superficial, story is stunted and contrived. I personally love English mysteries, the more intricate the better but this very experienced writer has decided to write a "run-of-the mill story". The description is poor, dialogue much too simplistic. Too much "white" not enough written description of places, interior scenes, etc. Introduces characters very late... The characters are superficial, story is stunted and contrived. I personally love English mysteries, the more intricate the better but this very experienced writer has decided to write a "run-of-the mill story". The description is poor, dialogue much too simplistic. Too much "white" not enough written description of places, interior scenes, etc. Introduces characters very late into the story, which in itself adds to confusion. On page 81 Anton confides to Deidre in a way not realistic. Introduction of Craig: what is he? We don't find out until later he's a detective and a partner to Anton, at first he seems to be a forensics cop on the scene. Page 84 is patronizing to the reader, thus the viewer is patronized. Anton's bedroom scene with Deidre on page 12 is poorly described, I know the writer can do much better than this. Overall, I expected much more from this writer and I welcome his rebuttal or his review of my script(s). read
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  Beyond Doubt Review
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by jchav11 on 09/20/2011
  This is good! I flew through it. I don't normally get through a script this quickly. It reads very well. I don't think you are using a program that utilizes the format. I had this issue too. I think Anton's story arch is very good. I would suggest you have him act more than say. He says too much. I would suggest you flashback to what happened with his dad in snipits... This is good! I flew through it. I don't normally get through a script this quickly. It reads very well. I don't think you are using a program that utilizes the format. I had this issue too. I think Anton's story arch is very good. I would suggest you have him act more than say. He says too much. I would suggest you flashback to what happened with his dad in snipits here and there. Make the audience think his dad died and then when he reveals what really happened to Craig it will add some complexity to his character. Also, I wasn't loving the scene when Harry breaks down and confesses. It should happen more subtley. maybe in one or two more scenes. Also, I thought it would be really interesting if Anton stands with inner turmoil while Craig interrogates the guy they think did it. Craig should push so hard that the guy is almost ready to confess and then you break away to the next scene. The audience will wonder if Anton is going to let this happen. I am just throwing some stuff out there to add suspense. I think the story is about Anton's inner turmoil and that makes for awesome suspense. I have to give you great credit for your dialogue too. A husband and wife in many scripts can come across kind of corny or melodramatic, but you made it sound believable. In all I would say play up the suspense. Your dialogue is spot on, but add more action. Show us more and I would be in line to see this at the cinema! read
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  A smooth and well written police(type) drama
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by Aaron Majewski on 09/17/2011
  The introduction of Harry is smoothly well-written. Starting off very promising. There is some trouble with language, both in dialog and in action. Words lost, they instead of he, etc. Clearly some further editing would be useful. The birthday scene drags on a little bit longer than might be wise... slows the pacing down tremendously. Pg 21, the calendar in parenthesis in... The introduction of Harry is smoothly well-written. Starting off very promising.
  
  There is some trouble with language, both in dialog and in action. Words lost, they instead of he, etc. Clearly some further editing would be useful.
  The birthday scene drags on a little bit longer than might be wise... slows the pacing down tremendously.
  
  Pg 21, the calendar in parenthesis in Anton dialog is not needed. It should be removed.
  
  The Jason and Harry meeting is smoothly written. Not too on the nose but Jason is portrayed well as a creepy sociopath.
  
  Pg 45 Deirdre dialog 'from your mistress?' is most likely meant to be 'for your mistress?'
  
  One problem is that Anton appears to be a fully trained and experienced detective. His problem about not thinking to obtain a search warrant is therefore, EXTREMELY unlikely without some measure of provocation, which I personally do not feel was there. Making his actions odd... it might actually throw an audience off into concluding that Anton was in on it somehow, and covering the murderer. (Oh wait, that's the exact thing he does later... foreshadowing?)
  The obvious 'fix' is to write in some kind of extreme provocation which would cause him to go haring off like that.
  
  Pg 59. Anton lifting weights in the gym is one thing, the receptionist and his walk to his car aft is a 'throwaway scene' you could rid of it and no one would notice. And it doesn’t exactly give any great details to character motivation.
  
  Pg 85 Anton dialog, 'fire years behind bars...'
  
  
  Okay... this was EXCEEDINGLY well written overall. It could certainly be presented to producers\production entities as is. Although I would recommend a through editing first, in regards to missed words ect.
  At times the dialog does seem a little too pat, too on the nose, as if it is in fact, dialog. That is something which could use a little work. The same goes for the overall relationship between Anton and Deirdre, and between Anton and Craig. Those could also use a little more work to make them fee la little more real.
  I have also already mentioned the 'hot pursuit' where Anton makes his first mistake, really needs to be made more believable. Other than that, the script was very well done. read
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  A strong character piece/morality tale
  A review of Beyond Doubt
  by LukasDScripts on 09/15/2011
  This was a fast-paced, enjoyable read. I must commend you on your bare-bones approach that kept the focus on your main character from start to finish. Although I am a yank, I didn't find the vernacular distracting, so this feels like it could translate to just about any setting. I think the main moral dilemma here is a stroke of brilliance, where we're following a cop who... This was a fast-paced, enjoyable read. I must commend you on your bare-bones approach that kept the focus on your main character from start to finish. Although I am a yank, I didn't find the vernacular distracting, so this feels like it could translate to just about any setting.
  
  I think the main moral dilemma here is a stroke of brilliance, where we're following a cop who we want to let a murderer go. Bravo for setting up this dynamic in a believable way.
  
  That being said, there are a few ares in the story that I think you might want to address in a future draft. I'll list them below:
  
  -The opening sequence does not allow for us as the audience to get any sense whatsoever about what kind of a person Henry is, good or bad, deserving of tragedy or not before he is faced with it. Consider giving this character a few beats before he finds his wife dead where you plant the seeds in our head that this is a good guy, and that the audience shouldn't want anything bad to happen to him... then bam! His wife is dead.
  
  -There is a dynamic throughout the story between Anton and Brian, his partner, which I don't quite understand. There seems to be a latent homosexual tension going on there which, despite being a perfectly fine character dynamic to establish, doesn't seem to fit this story or the main character. You might want to tweak these moments to read in a more controlled way, perhaps Anton is jealous of Brian or vice versa.
  
  -You establish Anton's wife as an interesting and multi-dimensional character early on, but she seems to take the form of a plot device around the midway point, and towards the end she just keeps repeating herself and being standoffish. I think you could develop her arch a bit more so that it's believable in the end that she and Anton are not too far gone to give it a second try. The way it is written now it's a tad convenient that she's willing to just take him back at the end.
  
  -I like that Anton uses the same mistake that got the first killer off in the beginning to get Henry off at the end, that was a stroke of genius and a perfect example of symmetry of story arc. However, it seems to me that you could have built up to this revelation (for the audience at least) for much longer. Here you seem to tip your hat almost as soon as the second trial starts, a bit of a rush job. I think this moment could really soar off the page if you give it the proper buildup, keep that misdirection going so we (the audience) think Anton is in over his head again before we figure out what he's doing.
  
  -To have Anton use the same trick at the end which lost him the conviction at the beginning poses the following problem: Anton's boss already scolded him for taking ont he second, related case, so in the end, having it end the way you do, one might assume that his boss would be ready to strangle him. We should see that.
  
  Overall my reaction to this is that it is a story that works, has compelling characters and a plot that (for the most part) comes together in a logical and unpredictable fashion. Excellent work! This is certainly one of the most professional-quality scripts I have yet read on this site, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
  
  If this is what you do in your free time, you may want to think about giving up your day job somewhere down the line and working to have some of your work made. That's meant as a huge compliment by the way. read