A case of mistaken identity places a home-bound country boy in the midst of a big city turf war.
HOW IT RATES
Missing money and infidelity bring tensions to a boil for a group of friends and co-workers.
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Reviews of Blindspot (2) 15
by whoisguerrero on 07/11/2009There's a lot going on in this script. Everyone is sleeping with everyone else, there's the mystery of missing cash -- it seems ripe for conflict and drama, but for me it falls flat. The writer does a good job of creating an intricately detailed world that seems real, however I never really got to know any of the characters who populated this world. The dialogue does... There's a lot going on in this script. Everyone is sleeping with everyone else, there's the mystery of missing cash -- it seems ripe for conflict and drama, but for me it falls flat.
The writer does a good job of creating an intricately detailed world that seems real, however I never really got to know any of the characters who populated this world. The dialogue does have a realistic feel, unfortunately dialogue in real life is usually boring. The script spends the most time with Tim and Dante, but I didn't root for either. Tim is worried about losing his job and it seems like he has the most to lose, but he was so cool about it that it was hard for me to care. Everything in this script is casual and underplayed which ultimately makes the story
vague and confusing.
There just might be too many characters here and the script takes it's time about introducing all of them. So much is withheld in the first half of the story-- what the relationships are, who is sleeping with who. I would suggest making the relationships clear from the beginning. I think letting the audience in on some of these secrets will help create suspense.
Ultimately, when I learned who took the money, it wasn't surprising. None of these characters were trustworthy, so... how could I be surprised? Also, it was difficult to believe that Tim would be so sure that Quentin took it. If Quentin took it, why would he just leave his car there filled with evidence? It doesn't make sense, and Tim is smart enough to know that.
Why is Nona in this script? To make Tim more sympathetic? If that is so, than I would do more with it. There needs to be something at stake for these characters, but especially Tim. I'm not sure if there is a main protagonist here, but if there is, I would guess it is Tim.
Aside from that, CONTINUOUS is used a lot in the later scenes, unnecessarily, I think.
page 35: typo-- winds not wends.
On page 64, there is a line about "air conditioning the world" which seemed weak considering it was night.
Page 17: "The ink on your divorce papers isn't even dry" reminds me too much of The Godfather II. Maybe it's just me.
Is Q dead at the end?
I think the main thing the writer needs to do is to create goals, wants, high stakes, obstacles for all these characters, or choose one main protagonist and do the same. I want to care, I really do. read
by wil2631 on 06/27/2009What's the problem? Tim misses a deposit to see his mother. ok. The camera in the office doesn't work. ok. Tim fears for his job because of the costs associated with caring for his mother. I get that. Why is Tim's job in danger. The camera in the hall still works. Does Tim think that corporate, who's presence is never felt here, will think that Tim stole it the day before?... What's the problem?
Tim misses a deposit to see his mother. ok. The camera in the office doesn't work. ok. Tim fears for his job because of the costs associated with caring for his mother. I get that.
Why is Tim's job in danger. The camera in the hall still works. Does Tim think that corporate, who's presence is never felt here, will think that Tim stole it the day before?
There's no clear problem. Also, he and Dante are supposed to be best or even good friends and yet, Dante sneaks around with Nikki and and that never comes to a head?
This script is kind of a mess. I had to smack my hand to rsist skipping down a few pages, which brings us to the biggest problem I had here.
I wasn't entertained. The characters keep talking about Tim's search for the missing money, even going so far as to tell Quentin about it, and yet theres no sense of danger. Quentin just skips about as if theres no trouble at all. Dante doesn't seem to care if Tim finds out about him and Nikki. Nor does Nikki. I won't even get into C.J.
My point here is, there's no drama. You spend so much time establishing characters and back story, but there no real pay-off. I'm talking about personal payoffs, here. Not plot pay-offs. That's the difference maker here, only the mystery is dealt with. If that's the case, this script is listed in the wrong genre. read
by jayelveejr on 06/25/2009This is one of those stories where the big pay off comes at the end and the payoff is a good one. The one problem I see in this is that getting there is a little bit rough. The ending is what makes this story work but I almost feel it's too overly complex for its own good. I liked it but think if you clean up the first two acts, then it would really take this to a higher level... This is one of those stories where the big pay off comes at the end and the payoff is a good one. The one problem I see in this is that getting there is a little bit rough. The ending is what makes this story work but I almost feel it's too overly complex for its own good. I liked it but think if you clean up the first two acts, then it would really take this to a higher level.
It reminded me in parts of something like a Jean-Pierre Melville film, characters interacting, missing money, two bars, the folks that work there, the bosses, mob ties, etc. I do think you have way too many characters that kind of stray the story from its spine and you could really make this even better by losing or condesing some of the characters. If you think of the main story -- the missing money and Tim trying to find Quentin who he suspects -- then I felt this should be the main focus, especially during the middle act. But it seems you veer off into these other subplots that kind of takes us away from the train tracks so to speak. Think of the main track, the main story and these subplots as the stations it stops at. My only problem is that it seems the focus is mostly on all these stations as we travel and then only towards the end do we get back on the track with the train.
You've set this up as a sort of a puzzle piece, going back and forth, showing us the night of the robbery. That really does work and I think you need to play this out even more. At first, must admit, I didn't realize we were traveling so fast, since you only show us the days in the slug line, Friday - Saturday, so I went back a couple times to make sure I got it right. This sequence might actually play better once filmed than it does here.
These subplots of things like Tim's mother, do help in establishing characters, as does showing C.J.'s relationship with Dante, hell she is his ex-wife and now hooks up with Tim. There are other backstories to deal with that are somewhat interesting but still seem to get away from the main thrust of the story. I almost think this should be pared down to only what is necessary about that robbery and its aftermath. It's the ending and what really went down that makes the story so I think the first two acts need to have the same type of impact. Maybe end each act with something, maybe go back to Quentin in the car each time and make the reveals earlier until the last reveal is actually showing the robbery. Maybe, just an opinion.
I think this works because of the last act when we find out what really happened. The ending is so good, it almost made me not care about the flaws I thought happened throughout but almost, I almost need a good scene at the end of the first two acts so that when I get to the big bang at the end, I am also pleased with the whole thing. Although, in its current state, the end justifies the means sort of thing.
I think, however, that the first 30 or so minutes of this film would be too complex, too labyrinthian that you might turn off viewers before they can get to this neato ending. Perhaps think about cutting away some of the characters or even combining as I stated earlier. Unless we can picture actors in these roles, it's kind of a muddle of various characters interacting and makes a bit tough to read. Now, that being stated, this would probably work as is on the screen because actors would fill those roles and then it wouldn't be a problem.
You have some nice little moments that I really liked. Like when Quentin waits in the parking lot as he waits for the workers to stop smoking on their breaks so he can get to his car. That was very nice.
Overall, this is a pretty good script that has a really good ending. The one problem I see is maintaing this interest until we get to that good third act. I think you did a pretty good job with the dialogue too. Maybe take a look at how many characters say names out loud. In real life, we normally don't use the name of the person we're talking to as much.
It's very close for me and was a really fast-paced read. I really think the ending works. Work on the first 30 or so pages and I think you've really got a neat little movie here. Best of luck. read
by digitalisentertainment on 06/25/2009The structure and writing were perfect. The story was propelled by a strong sense of causality and the incidents taking place were well justified. A strong need-to-know hook had been built in the story from the very beginning which made the suspense unbearable. Youíve done a great job with the characters; they all seemed believable and genuine. I think Quentinís character could... The structure and writing were perfect. The story was propelled by a strong sense of causality and the incidents taking place were well justified. A strong need-to-know hook had been built in the story from the very beginning which made the suspense unbearable. Youíve done a great job with the characters; they all seemed believable and genuine. I think Quentinís character could be defined further and I wouldíve loved to see more screen time given to Scotty. He was hilarious! The dialogues seemed to flow naturally and there were quite a few amusing one-liners. The best aspect of the story for me though, was the treatment. The ending was unpredictable and pleasantly surprising. Overall, this was a fantastic read. Great job!
by agilitygsd on 05/27/2009You've done a very unique take on a caper plot with interesting, if not likable characters. It is an interesting story, but I had several problems with the script. STRUCTURE: The story started rather slow for me - it takes until around page 23 for the anything to actually start happening. I had some real problems with the way you formatted your "flashbacks" - it made... You've done a very unique take on a caper plot with interesting, if not likable characters.
It is an interesting story, but I had several problems with the script.
The story started rather slow for me - it takes until around page 23 for the anything to actually start happening.
I had some real problems with the way you formatted your "flashbacks" - it made it very difficult to follow - which maybe was intentional on your part, but you should probably use a SUPER: FRIDAY; SUPER: SATURDAY to make it clearer that you are jumping around in time - or just use the FLASHBACK convention - instead of using the sluglines to jump around in time.
I also had problems visualizing the physical connection between the Sablefish and Velvet. It seems like people are just walking in between the two.
I also think it would be better to call Tim's Office, Sablefish Office in the slugs to make it clearer where he works. You referred to it as the store and I had to read back in order to figure it out - with visuals it might be clearer but in the read it is a little muddy.
We are introduced to way to many characters in those 23 pages as well - characters which don't have any impact on the story.
I would go back and examine each of your characters and ask if they really help to carry the story forward. You had one couple, in the bungalow - that I still can't figure out how they tied into the story - they were introduced - she got out of bed - she drove away from the bungalow - and then we never saw or heard from them again? Riki? Abe? Scotty? C.J.'s mom? Sue just seems to be added in to provide another woman sleeping around and more sex scenes.
I also would ditch the last names for the Quentin, Dante and Tim - I guess you're trying to do something with the latin - but since the audience will never hear or see those names it just clouds the read.
Some of the dialogue is difficult to follow because of the bar/restaurant jargon. It might make sense to someone who has worked in the food & beverage industry but for parts of it I had no idea what was being discussed or said. What is a float? A bank?
OK - somebody stole some money - Tim might lose his job because he didn't make a deposit so that he could visit his sick mother? grandmother? He needs the job so he can pay for home health care for her. This makes Tim a sympathetic character but doesn't really provide enough drama or motive for him to kill? almost kill? Quentin. I almost think it would work better with Dante's situation - like maybe the mob actually owns CJ's portion of the bar due to her gambling debts - if Dante can't account for the money the mob might kill him - that would make for better drama than having to account to "corporate".
Some disconnects - how does Quentin get into his house? It is later revealed that Dante looked for Quentin's keys and couldn't find, car, house or store keys - so how did Quentin get into his house?
I also found it a bit odd that everyone got so angry with Q for getting a massage - he didn't know Tim was trying to reach him so it's not like he was dodging Tim. Also, why would he go to the Velvet and not find out what Tim wanted after he did hear Tim was looking for him?
Why does Dante put on Quentin's coat? Why doesn't Dante tell Tim about his encounter with Quentin the night before?
pg. 7 - If Niki got in late, doesn't she have her own key? Why do you have the line - No. I trust you? It's later revealed that they are getting a divorce - but that whole bit of dialogue still doesn't make sense to me.
pg. 55 - TIM
Did anything seemed a weird with Q?
Did anything seem weird with Q?
Anyway, it was an enjoyable read and with some more work a very promising SP. I look forward to seeing future revisions.
by ErynJE on 05/23/2009Once I received this assignment and realized it was also on the top ten, I was pretty anxious to read it. I read it through once and then scanned it a second time just to make sure I understood the story your were telling. It was a little complex but I think I've got it and I'd like to point out a few holes. The first nine pages were fantastic. I imagine some people may... Once I received this assignment and realized it was also on the top ten, I was pretty anxious to read it.
I read it through once and then scanned it a second time just to make sure I understood the story your were telling. It was a little complex but I think I've got it and I'd like to point out a few holes.
The first nine pages were fantastic. I imagine some people may say that you've used too much description but I found it just right. I saw the scenes clearly in my mind understood who the characters were. In retrospect though, is there a reason that you established CJ as the second character we meet? The scene was great and very well written but it seems to me that she is more or less a minor character. I like the way you introduced Quentin, afterall the story kind of revolves around him even though he's not the main character.
The scenes between Tim and Nona don't really move the story forward and you might want to consider removing them. You've got a pretty decent character list that's hard to follow. Any characters you can combine or eliminate would be good. I suspect you have them there to add personality to Tim but I think you can accomplish in a different way. He can talk about his mom but I don't think we need to see her.
It would make more sense for TIm and Dante to have breakfast at their own restaurant. That way they can eat and then "get to work".
I did not follow the busty woman in the dingy bedroom. Who was she and what part did she play?
The scene between Tim and Abe and Scott did not move the story forward. What place is this that the employees get away with being completely wasted on the job? Is Abe a boss? What part does he play?
Those are the main things that stick out in my mind. On a more general note, I think I know what I'd like to see more of. It seems to me that the robbery is a premeditated move on the part of Niki and CJ....correct? I'd like to see them planning this move. Also, you may have mentioned it but I didn't catch it on both my runs through this script and that is why Mac enjoys getting Scott and Quentin totally wasted. Did Niki or CJ put him up to it? Is he part of their plot? If not, you need to provide him some motivation for his acts. If he is part of the plot, isn't he going to want a share of the cash?
You've got a lot of character interaction but it seems that a lot of that interaction doesn't push anything forward. It just establishes relationships. This would be great if you were writing a character drama but aren't you aiming for more of a whodunnit drama? If you can somehow mesh your character relationships with the plot, this would be great. In my humble opinion, I think you should pick a defined angle to this story. If you are writing a whodunnit then focus entirely on that and research something called a 'reversal'. It can be a little tricky but this technique would fit this story. Reduce your complex character relationships. If you are writing a character drama with this crime at the center and how this crime affects the people who are caught up in it, then you need to add some character arc's and emphasize the main characters more.
I mentioned this above, but I certainly feel that you have too many characters. You can definitely combine some of them or not name them. By giving your characters a name, you are telling me that I have to remember who they are and with your twisty turny tale, keeping up with whos who in addition to following whos doing what is a little taxing on the mind.
I wish all the best! read
by jinglebat on 05/22/2009Almost...not quite there yet, but really close. I really liked the characters and the story sucked me in. I was going to just read part of it tonite and finish it off tomorrow but I ended up not being able to put it down. With that said, I did find the script a little confusing a few times and had to go back a few pages to figure out what was happening. I kinda figured out... Almost...not quite there yet, but really close. I really liked the characters and the story sucked me in. I was going to just read part of it tonite and finish it off tomorrow but I ended up not being able to put it down. With that said, I did find the script a little confusing a few times and had to go back a few pages to figure out what was happening. I kinda figured out it was CJ and Nikki, so maybe you should wait till a little later in the story to say that they had an affair. The ending is a bit rushed too. I was left with a few questions: What exactly happened to everyone else? Is Q dead? Did Tim go to jail? I really liked Dante and Tim, so I kinda was more interested in knowing what happened to them than knowing what happened to the money.
In general, I thought it was good, but it could be great if you just tweaked it a bit more. read
by OldFFF on 05/18/2009This script shows a lot of skill in handling the scenes, descriptions, a flair for dialogue and movement. You must have put a lot of effort into orchestrating the details of all the comings and goings of these characters. There are many good features about the script that I wonít dwell on since you have them well in hand. There are some small quibbles and then I will look... This script shows a lot of skill in handling the scenes, descriptions, a flair for dialogue and movement. You must have put a lot of effort into orchestrating the details of all the comings and goings of these characters. There are many good features about the script that I wonít dwell on since you have them well in hand.
There are some small quibbles and then I will look into the structure. There are too many characters, too fast. It is not clear what the store is: the bar or the night club? And what is the structure of the business that has CJ and Dante as owners and yet there is a corporate entity on top of them that watches their cash flow on a nightly basis? I never do get on top of the story to understand who is doing what to whom, except who took the money. That was telegraphed. The mystery is busted early and the only surprise left is Dante wearing Quentinís coat to steal the money. The pace is breathless. But it keeps me remote from the characters.
The style is of a mystery and the information is withheld, in keeping with the tradition of making the character want to know something so the reader (viewer) will want to know it also. Thatís where I have the problem. I donít want to know sufficiently to be able to stay with this.
As I think about the events and the characters, it seems like it should be a drama. These characters all want something, even if just to get by. And they are not really happy, more like submerging their frustrations. By framing it as a mystery the emphasis lands on the whodunit aspect, a head exercise instead of a stretching of the heart toward people who suffer, even if from their own doings. The mystery was too obvious and not big enough as an event to anchor the whole script.
The fractured structure did not increase the interest. There are very few stories that are improved by telling them in non-linear time. It does not work here because the information about Dante framing Quentin was not enough to pay for the cost of the time line being disrupted. In the process of playing the mystery, you gave up most of the emotional development of showing us the way the characters depend on each other and how they are betraying each other.
Dante stole the money that Tim is going to get blamed for. But Dante is the main support for Tim in his troubles. The audience will not get the sense of betrayal the way this is presented. There is a lot of anguish for Dante, unless he is remarkably good at pretending to have a heart. And he is under his own stress in having CJ stealing his wife, his money and sending goons to soften him up. And both her parents are telling us what? They know how she treats everybody. What impact does her father have on this business? I did not get the deference to him unless he is holding something over Dante.
Tim is the good guy. He has the only redeeming qualities of the characters. He loves his mother and is in the process of making hard decisions for her. I understand him being distracted but the problems should weigh more heavily. Would he really conk Quentin without any thought of what it would mean if he canít be there to help his mother? Sure the death of Quentin is an accident. But Tim has not been with us enough to go with him in this rash swing. It would deepen Dante's guilt in the story if Tim almost reconciles with Quentin and figures out what really happened. Then if Dante pushes Tim to the breaking point and he smashes Quentin, Dante is truly the bad guy and not just an opportunist.
Niki has some interest, especially since she is the vehicle for CJ to jerk everybody. But the twisting of Dante to her desires and the betrayal donít play out in real time, not even really in flash back. So the experience for the reader is very dilute. And CJ disappears until she shares a moment on screen with Niki.
Quentin was apparently too dumb to live. What motivates him to engage in the drinking bout with Mac? And why persist in such obvious foolishness? He does not fit in the piece except as the hapless guy whose stupidity precipitates his own demise. The interest the women have in him when so little of his upside is shown drags the story down. We donít have to see the details but it has to be believable that anyone could spend time with him.
It seems like these things need to be emphasized more to bring up the power of the script.
Dante is in a hell of a bind. He lost his wife to his partner. His ex-wife and partner team up against him. He has some issue with powerful people up the food chain. And he has caused his friend to kill someone and now go to jail. These must give rise to a lot of stress and high emotions. If handled in a way that is clearer to the audience we can sympathize with him more and experience more of his hopes to get free of his troubles and feel more of his pain as one thing after another goes wrong.
Tim is in a bind also. It is not clear how he is tied into the whole thing since he seems to be an employee of the same outfit but does not work for Dante. But he has his own pain. The business has been burgled (not robbed) and he is on the hook for the money and may get charged with the crime. His mother is in poor health and he needs to focus on her at the time that everything crashes down on him. And he is trying to get together with Niki who is slippery in all three dimensions. But while we may care for him and find him at the heart of the story initially, he is not the active player in the drama.
Who is going to drive the action, Tim or Dante? If Tim is the active one, his frustration at working himself deeper and deeper into a hole climaxes with his killing of Quentin. If Dante is the active character, his pain at inflicting pain on the wrong person should be the climax. And so on.
Although CJ and Niki are driving the villainy they donít appear as strong antagonists because they are too cryptic, even when we know it is them. Aside from opportunism is CJ planning things? Did she set up the Mac attack on Quentinís fragile sobriety? Did she guide Niki to getting the money from Dante?
I probably got some key points messed up in the story. But that illustrates the issue. There is too much side business and too little direct attack on the drama of the story. Tell it straight and go for the heart of these characters. Youíve shown you can handle the writing. Find the emotions and build on them. Make us go with the characters, through the stress, the temptation, the betrayal, the discoveries, and the guilt. read
by James Zappie on 05/16/2009In the first 10 pages, youíve managed to set up all of the tension and turmoil that will come in the rest of the script without setting up a neon sign that blinks FORESHADOWING. That may be something that comes natural to you as a writer, but Iíve read a number of screenplays and seen a number of films that fall into the neon sign trap. Itís unnecessary, annoying, and thankfully... In the first 10 pages, youíve managed to set up all of the tension and turmoil that will come in the rest of the script without setting up a neon sign that blinks FORESHADOWING. That may be something that comes natural to you as a writer, but Iíve read a number of screenplays and seen a number of films that fall into the neon sign trap. Itís unnecessary, annoying, and thankfully absent in this script. I loved the little subtle things that you have the characters do that build on their character, like C.J. blowing smoke out of her nose rather than her mouth. I also really liked how you put specific times in the script.
I actually let out a ďWhoaĒ with the big reveal of C.J. and Niki. That was very well done and came out of nowhere.
Some really well timed funny lines too (i.e. fastidious.)
Excellent building of tension. The pacing is superb. Again, I really love the way that you build things in the readerís mind without smacking them over the head with it.
By the time I got to the end, all I could say was, holy sh**. This was a very well done script. I canít think of a single thing I would have done differently.
This was like an old school suspense film, like ďLauraĒ. Every time I thought I knew what was going to happen, something happened that spinned it. I had figured out the ending around the middle of the third act, but the way that you constructed the story, I didnít care. I just kept hoping that it wouldnít happen that way. Very well done. I canít wait to see this on the big screen. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/14/2009I really liked this story, very arresting and unique. Here are my comments: Too much character action with Quentin looking for his car keys. It's taken 2 pages to establish that. If this isn't a build up to some dramatic moment I would shorten it to "he can't find his car keys and exits his car." Pg. 8: Dante "...are YOU holding out on me?" Could you be more specific... I really liked this story, very arresting and unique. Here are my comments:
Too much character action with Quentin looking for his car keys. It's taken 2 pages to establish that. If this isn't a build up to some dramatic moment I would shorten it to "he can't find his car keys and exits his car." Pg. 8: Dante "...are YOU holding out on me?" Could you be more specific on PG. 9. What is the Velvet? Could you write Velvet bar & grill or something of that sort? It's confusing especially when the story begins outside the Sablefish grill. Unless Sablefish is the Velvet? I really like the writing, but the story is ping-ponging everywhere. I'm starting to play catch-up. My opinion is that you have too many meticulous details that cause me to engage your scenes with the expectation of fishing for clues and right now I'm not getting any. Pg. 11. "Indeterminate Heritage?" Does it matter? Pg. 13 "Three-step stairway?" How about the "front steps?" Pg. 15: Dante "the distaff portion of the squad?" I'd believe it coming from Tim's mouth before Dante's. The intrigue between the female staffers is good but I don't think it's necessary. You're going to establish the facts through natural dialog between Dante and Tim. Pg. 48: Dante using "Fastitious" on Tim was really funny. Pg. 54: Tim: Did anything SEEM WEIRD with Q?" Pg. 64 establishes Quentin's innocence by his worrying about a cook leaving the backdoor ajar and letting out all that precious AC. Pg. 66: Nona/Tim scene is nice, but in all honesty, typical. She could be conscious and Tim could lie to her about her soon-to-be improved medical attentions. I think watching a person lie to someone who is sleeping is not nearly as painful as when they're awake. I don't feel it raises the stakes any higher the way it is. It's good that Tim displays a genuine certainty that he will not recover the money and will have to face the repercussions alone. However, there needs to be some external pressure that just gets worse and worse and makes the audience sympathize and cheer for Tim's success. Right now Tim's plight is developing a ho-hum feel, which really betrays the good writing. On paper, swapping days (Friday & Saturday Nights) works. Doing it on film isn't so easy, especially given the nature of the crime that's involved. I love the juxtaposition of Dante communicating with an unconcious Quentin on both nights of the story. It's very cinematic and makes the swapping of nights in the final scene payoff. The resolution did not sit well with me. I would like to have seen what happens to Quentin. It is disappointing to me to have CJ and Niki just drive off scot free without at least knowing what will be the ramifications of Tim's actions. I invested my time in following a well-written story to see how things will turn out for him. There's no problem with the girls succeeding with their theft so long as we learn Tim's fate regarding his attack on Quentin, which all of a sudden makes the robbery pale in comparison. If Quentin survives, then the audience would feel relieved that Tim would not face a far more serious charge of involuntary manslaughter as opposed to theft. Also, a whiskey glass on skull is a lot different then say a full whiskey bottle. The weight of the bottle itself would present a legitimate injury that would merit Quentin's near death experience. What would be funny is Quentin waking up Sunday morning in his car with a bloody head and a pink slip in his hand. He could yell, "Fuck. Not again."
In my opinion, you have a good story that needs some adjustments in toto. The scene descriptions are didactic and take away from the flow of the story. It holds up the pace. Some details are unnecessary. The dialog is very good and makes all your characters believable. Dialog is more important than scene descriptions so I think you wouldn't have to rewrite anything just trim some needless info. You could also scale back on the characters that don't add anything to the story other than extra color to an already colorful story.
I gather you want to encapsulate the vibe and atmosphere of a bar but I would rather you encapsulate more of Tim's life and how important it is for him to assist his ailing mother. Tim is a highly-organized person who speaks better English than me, I want to know more of him.
Good luck with your story, I would definitely watch it if it gets made. read
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