Reviews of Blood Brothers 16

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  Brothers
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/04/2007
  I’ve studied native American lore and culture quite a bit having a little blood in me. The Rez provided a facet of light into the stress brought to a people engulfed by a culture which goes out of its way to demean, marginalize, patronize and dispirit them. Focusing on the patronization between an owned and disowned son provides an emotional core with great resonance... I’ve studied native American lore and culture quite a bit having a little blood in me. The Rez provided a facet of light into the stress brought to a people engulfed by a culture which goes out of its way to demean, marginalize, patronize and dispirit them.
  
  Focusing on the patronization between an owned and disowned son provides an emotional core with great resonance.
  
  This well written SP, though fast paced, achieves a depth that is quite impressive. The flashback, an often weak device, is well used and informative. The dialogue rings true; the understanding of the culture, authentic.
  
  One item to look at might be the character of Simon. I realize you may want his motivations to initially prove enigmatic, but there needs to be, perhaps, greater clarity regarding his motivations in the end read
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  The Rez Review
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/31/2007
  Once again I was able to read some of your work. Fortunately for me, it’s never hard work to do so. Your writing is clean, professional and interesting. Doesn’t sound like much? Oh but that’s a rarity! Anyway, I think there were some issues with the hero’s journey here, but the storytelling itself was very well done. Your character distinction is among the best I’ve... Once again I was able to read some of your work. Fortunately for me, it’s never hard work to do so. Your writing is clean, professional and interesting. Doesn’t sound like much? Oh but that’s a rarity! Anyway, I think there were some issues with the hero’s journey here, but the storytelling itself was very well done. Your character distinction is among the best I’ve read and the famous MicMac plot twist certainly didn’t disappoint. I hope you find my comments helpful as this was another difficult one for me to critique.
  
  CONCEPT: Finding the core concept of the story was difficult for me, but it just seemed like a man who returns to his reservation to bury his father ends up finding out about parts of his past that he never knew. In the process he gains then loses a brother and falls in love all over again. I think the journey could be more focused, but the concept itself fits the tone of the story.
  
  STORY: I thought the world the author described was vivid and depressing at the same time. The reservation seemed like a hole that no one could escape from. It sets the tone for the entire story. There were a little too many flashbacks in here for me and tended to pull me away from the forward motion of the plot as we were taken back often. That’s not to say that none of them worked, but I think better character development in the beginning could substitute for excessive flashbacks in the second act. I think the writer did a fine job working twists and turns into the basic storyline (as usual) but felt the hero’s journey was a little muddled throughout. All in all the story did keep my attention, which is all that really matters.
  
  CHARACTER: I think you did a really fantastic job with your characters. I’m not blowing smoke here either. We always talk about distinguishing characters and I think you nailed it here. Simon is an obvious lead and Mary a subtle love interest. Those two are easy, but the supporting characters from Gibson and Jacob to Joe Moon and Carol all stood on their own two feet and I never had a problem figuring out who was who. Good work. I would like to see a stronger direction for Simon though and a little more development in the opening. This would probably help strengthen the effect of all the flashbacks throughout as we see why he is the way he is. As it stands now, we really don’t know much about him in the present but rather learn it as we see his past.
  
  DIALOGUE: I did feel that there were certain parts of your dialogue were a little too heavy. I understand that this is a deep storyline and emotions will run wild, but some of the areas felt really forced out to me. I still thought that the majority of the dialogue was effective, but in the areas such as with Mary and Jacob’s mother in the beginning of the second act and Simon with Joe Moon at the end of act two seemed really expositional. All in all, I really can’t complain about the dialogue, I felt it was pretty good for the story.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  ACT I
  HOOK: The opening of the story is pretty interesting, which is what we are looking for in a hook. The reader is introduced to the world of reservation Indians. There is much to know about Simon, but the reader is given a quick glance into his life both in the present and back as an adolescent. What seems to set the plot in motion is the journey that Simon makes back to the reservation in the present day.
  
  CHANGE OF PLANS: Okay, so I’ve read a good way into the script and past where I think the first act should be coming to a close. Although I think the character development and distinction has been covered very well, I’m still a little unsure of what Simon really needs to do. Sure, he’s back at the reservation to bury his father and that alone has its own tensions that are married to it, but I have a feeling that there is something much bigger under the surface. What I haven’t seen is that big journey rising up to the forefront just yet. Having read your other writings, I’m sure it will come, but the pacing concerns me at this point.
  
  ACT II
  POINT OF NO RETURN: So, at the midpoint of the story, Mary divulges some unpleasant information to Simon about her drug use and sex life. This obviously doesn’t sit well with Simon and there is a definite rising tension. This point also lends to the plot as up to this point I am still a bit unsure about what this story is about. It’s a hazy plot that has a core conflict and journey that wants to get out but just can’t seem to get out there in my opinion. As I said, this turn of events helps because it sort of re-connects Simon and Mary. Does it mean that Simon needs to “rescue” Mary? Possibly, but I can’t say for sure. So, with all this rambling, I guess my point is that the plot needs to be a little more direct about Simon’s journey. So far, he still just needs to bury his father.
  
  MAJOR SETBACK: Act three closes with a bang… well, a warning shot from Jacob at least. So, our hero and two friends head up to a camp in the woods and are soon followed by the evil Jacob. He pulls his gun out and begins to threaten the group. A revelation is made about Simon and Jacob in the process as well. Now as far as ratcheting up the conflict, this certainly does the trick, but does it weave seamlessly into the plot? I’m not so sure. In fact, I’m not so sure I understand Simon’s motivations at all. What’s he really looking to accomplish in this story?
  
  ACT III
  CLIMAX: The story comes to a head as Jacob is killed and then disposed of in the lake where he killed his father. After a brief time lapse, the guilt soon overtakes Simon and he decides to turn himself in. After telling Irene the truth all she asks for is a ceremonial burial. This is all well written drama and it lends somewhat to the overall plot. I would have felt better about this story with a better understanding of Simon (like I stated before). If his father’s death was more suspicious and he investigated it only to find out the twists you put in at the end, would have made this a bit more compelling for me. (That’s an example – not necessarily a suggestion)
  
  GOAL RESOLUTION: Tough call here. I was never really sure what Simon’s goal was. All I can truly say is that he was able to uncover some secrets of his past even thought it didn’t appear as though he was really looking for them. He made peace with his father and rekindled a love affair.
  
  AFTERMATH/CHARACTER ARC: I do see an arc for Simon with his wanting to return to the reservation and be with Mary but I think this would be much stronger if he was better developed in the first few pages. You handled the bookend well, but was it needed? You could use that time to set up Simon as someone who would never want to return to the reservation. With that, his about face at the end would make a better arc. read
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  POWWOWERFUL
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/29/2007
  This is an expertly written screenplay. The writing is evocative, the characters are well realised with distinct voices and the story itself is interesting and original. The only slight problem that I have with it is that for me it felt a bit like a TV movie, in that almost all the dialogue is rather heavily laden with "issues" and a little to expositional for me. This is... This is an expertly written screenplay. The writing is evocative, the characters are well realised with distinct voices and the story itself is interesting and original.
  
  The only slight problem that I have with it is that for me it felt a bit like a TV movie, in that almost all the dialogue is rather heavily laden with "issues" and a little to expositional for me. This is something that I personally assosiate with TV movie melodramas.
  
  A film like STAND BY ME, for example, does not address the various issues associated with childhood by having the characters talk to each other throughout the film about being a child, having problems with their parents, bullies etc. Instead conversations are about smaller issues like whether Superman could beat up Mighty Mouse and OCCASIONALLY talk turns to serious issues. As a result the film has much more impact, not to mention making the film much more enjoyable to watch.
  
  This is my only problem with The Rez (and if noone else feels the same way the author should probably ignore me!) I feel it tries to hard to explain certain issues to the audience who would probably understand them without them being spelt out.
  
  Still - a brilliantly written script. read
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  Great story and characters!
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by Dannie on 07/30/2006
  The Rez by Micmacmoviemaker Beautiful. Can't offer much in the way of criticism. Story pulled me through cleanly always remaining faithful to the plot, tone, settings, and the characters. Amazing story arc and the ending even put a lump in my throat- I was totally hooked. The only thing I can offer in this review is a discussion of the characters and some of the questions they... The Rez by Micmacmoviemaker
  Beautiful. Can't offer much in the way of criticism. Story pulled me through cleanly always remaining faithful to the plot, tone, settings, and the characters. Amazing story arc and the ending even put a lump in my throat- I was totally hooked.
  The only thing I can offer in this review is a discussion of the characters and some of the questions they raised in my mind.
  Simon, as the protagonist, is a strong character from the start. He raises a few questions immediately. Why does he live away from the rez? Was it just his father that made him want to leave? Was it the incident between Mary and Jacob in the field when they were 16? The reason for the four friends to disband never really becomes apparent and we're left assuming they simply grew apart as friends often do. We never see why Simon decided that he would never become chief and never change the things that needed it on the rez. When did he lose that motivation? What are the things he wanted to change as chief? What was he seeing that made him want to do this? Even though I'm asking these questions, I'm not sure if they propel this story, just his character- love the depth he has.
  Jacob is great as the disfunctional friend that we all knew growing up as kids and yet we always tolerate him. His edge from the beginning provides a powerful catalyst for the story. The love triangle between him, Mary, and Simon provides a lot of motivation towards the loser he becomes, almost destroying Mary so that neither he or Simon gets to truly have her. The moment on the train tracks sends us a powerful message as to where Jacob stands with the foursome, he will never have the power to unite them. Curious to know what made Jacob leave the rez for Montreal and turn to the life he did? Again, character depth here is great and you can tell there's a novel's worth of backstory.
  Mary is quite intriguing. Is she painting and drawing right from the start of the flashback sequences? Why is it kept a secret until she shows the book to Simon? Seems like Katie is headed the direction that she initially wanted to go. Why didn't she mention her desire to be an artist in the boat? Jacob must have been the one to lead her astray and it almost seems like there should be a little resentment towards Simon for leaving- leaving her alone with Jacob, the bad influence. Complicated stuff. Really cool to have four great characters like this.
  Gibson (Les Paul, the guitar I want if I ever learn to play) is actually the least developed of the four main characters. I assume his direction in life is a result of him being a "mixed blood" native and wanting to immerse himself deeper into native culture as a way of fitting in. Seems like he's the only one who's kept in touch with Simon. Was wondering what he felt about Simon leaving? I like the religious conflict they have and wonder if Simon's Catholicism has to do, in part, with his denial of rez culture. Gibson challenges this in him and I like it.
  This SP really works for me and I'd love to see it realized on the big screen. It's definitely indie fair (most of the best movies are) but I'd love to see a producer take a chance on a story like this. If movies like "Smoke Signals" and "Dance Me Outside" can be made, why can't this script.
  Wish you the best with this script, would like to see writing this good come to life on film.
  P.S. "viscously" should be "viciously" pg 66, the only typo I caught. read
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  The Rez Revised...
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/08/2006
  Having had the opportunity to read an earlier draft of this script, I looked forward to seeing how this has improved. And there were some things I thought really worked here that were not in the previous version. I'll try to provide some kind of structure to my comments but apologize if they come out machine gun like. First, the writing ~ It is refreshing to read a script... Having had the opportunity to read an earlier draft of this script, I looked forward to seeing how this has improved. And there were some things I thought really worked here that were not in the previous version. I'll try to provide some kind of structure to my comments but apologize if they come out machine gun like.
  First, the writing ~ It is refreshing to read a script where the writer has a handle on the art form known as screenwriting. It's difficult to describe this form but you know it when you see it. It's about flow and pacing that is unique to screenwriting and this script displayed (for the most part) a very good pace and flow. It's about using dialogue and description to tell a story. Not just for the sake of having either dialogue or description, but that these elements tell the story in the most efficient way. Good job here.
  Story ~ The story is told well as I hinted at above but there are some things I thought didn't quite fit. I'll list the few examples I came up with.
  1. Why? Why do the three even have anything in common with Jacob? It's clear he dosn't fit in with them and the path he takes is so different from theirs. Even as kids, he is the one to choose the drastically different path. Why wouldn't these three just say, "why don't you leave us alone?" or even, why would he want to hang with them in the first place? Perhaps you can answer this with a scene that tells us what these "four" have in common. The one thing that held them together. Not just the fact that they "were kids together" but some kind of bonding event.
  2. Why re-visited? What happened to Mary? She was a sweet little girl and now she's a junkie? What happened? What event led her down the wrong path? It doesn't make sense and there is some back story missing on this.
  Concept ~ I think this might be the weak point of the script. Not that it's a poor concept but only average. Certainly not high concept. And I recognize high concept (not one of my own scripts for sure). But high concept is over-rated and this script is good enough to be a writing sample. To hell with high concept!
  Dialogue ~ There are some places here that are spectacular. Very good through-out. There was a little over-use of the dual dialogue function of your screenwriting software. I'm not averse to it's use myself, I just felt you used it a little too much.
  Over-all ~ This was a good effort. In my estimation, it's not the kind of script that will get made into a movie but is the kind of script that will make a producer ask you what else you have. Which is good.
  Misc ~
  Page 58 ~ Very nice disguising of expository information with the tank battle.
  Page 62 - 63 ~ I'm not sure the scene with Old Joe worked. Simon just rehashed some things we had already seen. I would love to see Old Joe take on a little more of the prototypical "wise indian." Yes, this was there, but I'd like to see more of it. Perhaps he can Narate the story himself. In voice over of course because he can't speak.
  Page 76 ~ Drug usage a bit over the top. Maybe too much.
  Page 78 ~ Flashbacks seem a little out of place.
  Page 92 ~ Very nice flashback to youth and baseball and Jacobs desire to be loved. His sadness at not having a father. His pain of not having a father. His anger at the realization he does have a father, just one that rejected him. Drawing this into his present situation. His death. The tragedy of it all.
  In all, nice effort. I hope there is at least one thing here that sparks something for you.
  Best of luck with this and your other projects. read
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  The Rez has great moments, but doesn't quite work as whole
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by Dunksta on 05/21/2006
  The Rez is a dialog-driven character piece that didn’t quite work for me despite individual moments of brilliance. Such as the scene in which Mary and Simon re-unite as adults – you could really feel all the things unsaid. I found myself wondering what the impetus was that made Jacob get off the train and go confront Simon. He has an epiphany and then goes and pours his... The Rez is a dialog-driven character piece that didn’t quite work for me despite individual moments of brilliance. Such as the scene in which Mary and Simon re-unite as adults – you could really feel all the things unsaid.
  
  I found myself wondering what the impetus was that made Jacob get off the train and go confront Simon. He has an epiphany and then goes and pours his heart out to Joe Moon. I find Moon to be a convenient character that allows characters to say what is exactly on their mind – something we can’t normally get away with in screenwriting. I understand someone like Simon would make good use of such a wise old man, but even his visit to Joe was full of exposition.
  
  You give Simon strong religious beliefs, but I still cannot fathom why he would be guilt-ridden over Jacob’s death after all he had done. It was self-defense after all. I don’t buy that all three of them would come together and agree to turning themselves in. Having said that, confronted with prospect of them doing that, I fully buy Irene’s choice to absolve them.
  
  I think we need to find out earlier that Jacob and Simon are brothers. Otherwise it does seem a tad soap-opera-ish the way it comes out.
  
  The discussion about what makes a Micmac at Gibson’s camp seemed preachy. I don’t think it enhances your story. This is a tale about two young men coming to terms with what it means to be their father’s son – it’s relatable to any race. read
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  blink
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by slomo on 05/15/2006
  I am sincerely impressed with your artistic ability. The use of motif's as well as the fast paced action sequences, is highly dramatic and in all actuality very moving. I do like Native American films, and this sounds like a good one. There is nice closure for all of the things that happen in it. At first I didn't like the scene where jacob is going to rape mary, but it... I am sincerely impressed with your artistic ability. The use of motif's as well as the fast paced action sequences, is highly dramatic and in all actuality very moving. I do like Native American films, and this sounds like a good one. There is nice closure for all of the things that happen in it. At first I didn't like the scene where jacob is going to rape mary, but it creates tension that keeps me reading, and when you find out that he actually doesn't it's a nice closure. The religious imagery was well counterpointed with the native american imagery. From the Natives I have talked to, the ideas that Simon has are prevalent, and among the ones that I would not get a chance to talk to, I'd assume that Gibson's ideas are prevalent. read
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  Still Rezonates
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by David Muhlfelder on 03/26/2006
  I read the draft before the draft that became SOM. So, after all that time, I'm not completely sure what's changed and what hasn't. It does seem like you introduce Simon more cleanly without the unnecessary details about his life off the Rez. One thing that did jump out was the way you cross cut between the sweat lodge and Mary's NA meeting. That was a great way to show the... I read the draft before the draft that became SOM. So, after all that time, I'm not completely sure what's changed and what hasn't. It does seem like you introduce Simon more cleanly without the unnecessary details about his life off the Rez. One thing that did jump out was the way you cross cut between the sweat lodge and Mary's NA meeting. That was a great way to show the essence of the world you were taking us into. The script is still very dialogue heavy. It's good dialogue, but I felt you could still cut back on it a bit. I would've liked to have seen a few more moments of affection between Jacob and Simon just to temper all the tension that you set up between them. Simon and Mary's relationship develops well and believably. And Simon's innate connection to his roots plays out more clearly. I liked the previous draft. I think this one shows good development. Nice work. read
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  GIVE IT A LOVE SCENE.....
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by bluegeminilv on 03/23/2006
  You're charters where all very well thought out. I can see how they can relate to so many of us. We all had a friend who we had a crush on and never said anything...... I enjoyed all the flashbacks, I think they created a nice effect. I can already tell what style and look your going for. The twist was done great..I never suspected Jacob to be a murder...of his own father... You're charters where all very well thought out. I can see how they can relate to so many of us. We all had a friend who we had a crush on and never said anything......
  
  I enjoyed all the flashbacks, I think they created a nice effect. I can already tell what style and look your going for. The twist was done great..I never suspected Jacob to be a murder...of his own father never the lesss....BUT....I think...it might work ever better if you split up that last flashback of him and his father fishing...in half....JUST show the first half....of him fishing with with Simon's father recently and them talking, he can think this maybe when MARY told him that she was pregnant......the other half you can reveal at the end like you did...... MAYBE it's just me...but I like to sort of KNOW or SUSPECT these kind of things and then find out I was RIGHT or WRONG at the end AND not just see the whole thing at the end at once....The way you have now...there is no way for us to even consider that JACOB had anything to do with anything or that they can possibly be brothers.
  
  I don't think I care too much about Simon not turning himself in RIGHT away......he looked too much like a chicken....I would have rather him...be...HONEST from the start and just say that he was going to turn himself IN....BUT have MARY beg him not to do it....THEN have Gibson...suggest telling the MOTHER first before he turns himself IN.......I just did not care for the whole scene AT ALL.....THEY can just go straight to Irene's house that SAME Night.....and confront her....THEN have her BE A GREAT STRONG MOTHER and HAVE her say...all she did...and ADD that she will take care of HER OWN SON'S BODY.....MAYBE she can burn his body...and show her weep in front of the ashes......or bury him herself.....you know....I THINK that would be SO MUCH better....I just don't picture a mother not WANTING TO SEE HER SON'S BODY and NOT GIVEN a proper burial. She would want to bury him you know....not just be like oh....don't turn yourself in lets forget all about it yadda yadda.....
  BUT THAT IS JUST ME.....
  
  I ALSO THINK YOU should add A LOVE SCENE at the end. After all they went through don't you think...the dancing is cute..but why have cute when you can have GREAT.... love scene would be much deeper....... read
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  shark
  A review of Blood Brothers
  by tarboy on 03/23/2006
  I assume this is going to be a smooth Sp with very few mistake if any. The using of ING� was surprising to come across because you are far from an amateur. Mary is still staring off into space. Mary stares off into space. They begin playing an antiquated tank battle game. They play the antiquated tank game. Gibson, Mary and Simon are sitting at a table in the neat, tidy... I assume this is going to be a smooth Sp with very few mistake if any. The using of ING� was surprising to come across because you are far from an amateur.
  Mary is still staring off into space.
  Mary stares off into space.
  They begin playing an antiquated tank battle game.
  They play the antiquated tank game.
  Gibson, Mary and Simon are sitting at a table in the neat, tidy and comfortable camp.
  Gibson, Mary and Simon sit at a table in the neat, tidy and comfortable camp.
  I’m sure you get the point.
  
  You don’t have to state the obvious. If she crosses her arm, that would be in front of her breast.
  He looks her over, stopping a moment on her breasts. She crosses her arms.
  
  No Action in the parenthetical.
  (chuckles to himself)
  (laughs)
  (motions to the photo)
  
  When there’s a Flashback they are always teenager. Do you have to always say there age? Could it be them as teenagers? I don’t know, just a thought.
  
  
  Unfortunately these little things I have mention I don’t see as bad structure. They work on your SP. What good are the rules of screen writing if you don’t have a story. These so called mistakes, didn’t keep me from enjoying you SP.
  
  I wanted to read this Sp again and feel the heart felt words of your writing. I can only hope my writing moves people to tears as your have me. There where things I remember about this sp before. Whenever you changed helped it flow better for me.
  
  I hope you accept my notes in the spirit in which they are given. I, like many others on trigger, take great pains to write what we consider comprehensive and helpful critique. Like any advise, you will find it is just one persons opinion and no one has the ultimate answer on what is right and wrong. (Lord knows my work is far from perfect and I continually rewrite and polish.) I encourage you to continue pursuing this dream. Best of luck to you. read