Reviews of Blood Money 4

• 
  Blood Money reads like a fresh rewiring of the dusty westerns we're so used to
  A review of Blood Money
  by drevil on 05/24/2007
  After reading Blood Money, I was inspired to rethink all of my own scripts and concepts sitting around and ask the question, "Are they fresh?" This is because with Blood Money, despite its flaws, is very much a departure from the standard genre. Sinai, the sexy, Latin heroine is a fresh change from the usual male-dominated roles westerns have been known for. I especially... After reading Blood Money, I was inspired to rethink all of my own scripts and concepts sitting around and ask the question, "Are they fresh?"
  
  This is because with Blood Money, despite its flaws, is very much a departure from the standard genre.
  
  Sinai, the sexy, Latin heroine is a fresh change from the usual male-dominated roles westerns have been known for. I especially liked the description of her where "priests reconsider their faith."
  
  Having the setting take place in modern times rather than the old west struck me as very cool. Cars instead of wagons. Shotguns instead of single-shot revolvers.
  
  The dialogue for the most part captured the genre very well. I also appreciated the scenes where we actually get to know the characters. In today's ADD-cinema, too much time is spent on action and hardly any is spent on the small, quiet parts where we actually feel that connection between viewer and character. I think you did well to bridge that gap here.
  
  You mentioned that this was just a first draft, which surprises me because it is a lean first draft.
  
  However, one piece of dialogue, toward the beginning I think, bothered me, in which a character says, "make him an offer he can't refuse."
  
  I just think that takes too much liberty with The Godfather and detracts from the story.
  
  On a larger note however, I liked Blood Money. If you have any questions, you can email me at drevil915@yahoo.com
  
  -Jason M. Iacono read
• 
  The Return of Dirty Harriette
  A review of Blood Money
  by srhite on 05/14/2007
  I had BLOOD MONEY as an assignment and somehow managed to delete it, so it's gonna be a free will review. The story is about one woman's revenge for the killing of her family by a greedy, land-grabbing vulture - Victor. The concept isn't too bad but the method of revenge is too heavy-handed and simplistic at times. Sinai (I hate that name) pretty much just waltzes back into... I had BLOOD MONEY as an assignment and somehow managed to delete it, so it's gonna be a free will review.
  
  The story is about one woman's revenge for the killing of her family by a greedy, land-grabbing vulture - Victor. The concept isn't too bad but the method of revenge is too heavy-handed and simplistic at times. Sinai (I hate that name) pretty much just waltzes back into a small town and starts creating mayhem like Rambo.
  
  It seemed that her ability to make Victor's life difficult was too easy. Sinai manages to steal money too easily and sneak around too easily.
  
  Having Sinai escape the burning of her home and being hidden in plain sight by TJ's family isn't too believable. She's a ten year old girl in a small town and/or a rural community. Everyone (especially Victor) would have noticed that she is quite alive & well.
  
  The thing with the whorehouse/hotel, senator, client list and newspaper expose does nothing for the story. It's a good example of how Sinai seems to know too much about a community she hasn't lived in for many years.
  
  The scene headers are in need of some work. Simplicity is better than too much information in a scene header. There are numerous scene headers which are two lines on the page. There are several occurrences of awkward wording which are in my notes. You need page numbers, just plain have to have them.
  
  You are also telling and not showing emotions of the characters. There are several examples throughout the script.
  
  Overall it is a good effort. If I was a producer, I'd pass on it as it's written now. However, I'd send the script back to you with numerous notes on how it could be improved.
  
  Here are my notes:
  
  Page 2: Everything is pretty good so far, except the dialogue is a bit too formal. Tough characters don’t speak quite so well. Your characters are killers and victims, who all are speaking too eloquently.
  
  Page 5: “shot gun” is one word: shotgun. You use “shotgun” several other times in the script, and this is the only time that “shot gun” is used.
  
  Page 5: “shotgun round blows a through his body” is a bit awkward. How about “shotgun buckshot rip through his body” or shotgun round blows apart his abdomen”?
  
  Page 5: Is it DAY or NIGHT at the “EXT. MONTEZ FARMHOUSE”? I’d rather see that or CONTINUOUS, so there is some indication of the time of day.
  
  Page 8: “At he back of the safe” should be “At the back of the safe”
  
  Page 8: “Let’s get out of here” might be better than “Let’s get going”
  
  Page 9: “ring on her finger” might be better as “ring onto her finger”
  
  Page 10: Dale probably isn’t going to say “go back to sleep”. He’d probably say something like “I’m gonna check it out” or something like that.
  
  Page 11: This is a bit of awkward dialogue, “I’m sure the police have all of their resources finding the individual would do such an awful thing.” It looks like you’re missing a word or two in there somewhere.
  
  Page 11: “There’s an uncomfortable power struggle between these men.” Is something that has to be shown and not told. How does the audience know that there is a power struggle?
  
  Page 11: “a murderer walk freely” might be better as “a murderer walk free”
  
  Page 12: Anita’s dialogue about the baby’s room being painted isn’t too good. A couple sentences could do more to express her angst at the situation. Her dialogue is more like something that she’d write in a letter.
  
  Page 13: Get rid of the comma after “ARIZONA DESERT,”
  
  Page 14: “mother fucker” is one word: motherfucker. Same on pg 61.
  
  Page 14: Sinai tells David to turn at the next highway exit, but she doesn’t tell him which direction to go. She says, “You’re gonna turn up there. Cabin’s about ten miles up.” Wouldn’t it be better if she says something like, “Take a right up here. The cabin’s about ten miles south.”?
  
  Page 14: “rear view mirror” should be “rearview mirror”
  
  Page 14: They have a duffel bag containing a half million dollars sitting in the back of a pickup truck? Absolutely, no! They’d have the money right there with them.
  
  Page 14: “dies down” might be better as “the engine dies”
  
  Page 15: “back pack” is one word: backpack. Same thing on page 17.
  
  Page 15: “the truck get disappear” should be “the truck disappear”
  
  Page 16: “Dale hops out” should be “David hops out”
  
  Page 16: “sets out to destroy the room” is an unfilmable. You could have David throw some crap around the room to show it though.
  
  Page 17: Sinai isn’t likely to deposit a half million dollars into a bank. The IRS would probably be interested in knowing where that kind of money came from.
  
  Page 18: “the name holder” might be better as “the account holder”
  
  Page 19: How could Sinai have been declared deceased without a body? The body of the guy she shot certainly would’ve been in the burned-out house, not the body of a female child.
  
  Page 20: You need a question mark after “Nobody ever says anthing(?)”
  
  Page 21: “glances at a patrons” should be “glances at patrons”
  
  Page 25: Why aren’t you using DAY or NIGHT in your scene headers?
  
  Page 25: I’m not getting where you’re going with this; a senator, TJ, whorehouse, etc.
  
  Page 27: You are telling the emotions of the characters without showing it. Victor “tries not to lose control”. David is “pissed off”. You have to show these things not tell.
  
  Page 28: “I got some” should really be “I’ve got some”.
  
  Page 33: “by the WES” should be “by WES”
  
  Page 34: “Take you down Whistler’s” should be “Take you down to Whistler’s”
  
  Page 35: Shouldn’t there be a question mark after “You got the message I was in town(?)”?
  
  Page 36: What the heck is a “fire bomb”? If they’ve just been spreading gasoline all over the place, one simple wooden match would do the job.
  
  Page 37: I don’t need to know that the motel is “JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN”. You are putting too much information in your scene headers. The scene headers should be one line of basic information. If you want to elaborate, put it in the scene description.
  
  Page 37: “give up easy” should be “give up easily”. All of the description of “brutal” and “flat out ugly” fight isn’t necessary or needed. Just stick to describing the actual action.
  
  Page 39: David escaping through a window of a motel with a cop standing in the doorway isn’t believable. It is contrived, because you obviously need to have David alive. How about a sliding glass door that looks out over a pool? It has to be a very large window in the backside of the motel room.
  
  Page 40: Why is TJ driving a truck if he’s a cop?
  
  Page 41: You keep telling the characters’ emotions without showing the actions of the emotions. “He’s conflicted, hurt” is a perfect example.
  
  Page 41: How could Sinai have been “hidden” by TJ’s family in the same little town over many years? She was only ten years old when her family was killed. That means that she was hidden from everyone for at least six or eight years, right?
  
  Page 46: Why does TJ say “That’s my son”?
  
  Page 51: The dialogue about “brought me here after I left the Valdez family” is a bit too expository.
  
  Page 60: “his eyes is disbelief” should be “his eyes in disbelief”
  
  Page 64: Having the bad guys just drive up to the cabin and walk in is a bit too easy. Wouldn’t they park a short distance away and then sneak up on the cabin?
  
  Page 77: This is an awkward sentence “The men don’t aren’t moving”. Did you mean “The men aren’t moving”?
  
  Page 78: Why do you have to throw in a connection between Victor and her (dead) mother? It doesn’t do anything for the strength of the story.
  
  Page 79: “The lights on” should be “The light’s on”
  
  Page 79: How would Sinai know that there’s a safe in the basement? She also happens to know that the safe’s combination is the same as her mother’s birthday and is also engraved on her mom’s ring.
  
  Page 81: Why would Elijah shoot at the guards? That doesn’t make much sense.
  
  Page 82: Roy and Anita are in the truck, then Sinai shows up on foot. Sinai then shows Roy an assortment of weapons (an armory) in the back of the truck. How did the guns get into the truck without Roy knowing it? He drove the truck to the spot, and it appears that Sinai was on foot.
  
  Page 82: “Your brothers’ picking you up” should be “Your brothers picking you up”
  
  Page 94: “for fucks sake” should be “for fuck’s sake”
  
  Page 94: I’m really not liking the hidden passageways all over Victor’s house, and how easily Sinai is traversing these hidden passageways.
  
  Page 97: “she doubles in pain” should be “she doubles over in pain”
  
  Page 97: “He yanks on the great” should be “He yanks on the grate”
  
  Page 100: “She runs at races at him” is pretty awkward. I’m not sure exactly what you meant on that one.
  
  Page 100: “He aims T.J. again” should be “Victor aims at T.J. again”
  
  Page 102: So she gives Victor a gun to use and walks away from him. Did T.J. shoot Victor at this point? I’m not understanding exactly what happened.
  
  Page 104: “Let me know you get there” is pretty awkward. Did you mean “Let me know when you get there”?
  
  Page 105: “A of dust” should be “A trail of dust” or something like that. read
• 
  Prequel To The Quick and The Dead
  A review of Blood Money
  by JeremyAn207 on 05/13/2007
  Blood Money ---------------------------- Page Notes / Initial Reactions Page 1 - 10 - First ten pages done and already this feels like a prequel to Quick and the Dead, chronicling the early life of Sharon Stone's character. I find the script an easy, smooth read thus far. Excellent pace of writing. The mix of action and dialogue is balanced just right at the moment, as is... Blood Money
  ----------------------------
  
  Page Notes / Initial Reactions
  
  Page 1 - 10 - First ten pages done and already this feels like a prequel to Quick and the Dead, chronicling the early life of Sharon Stone's character. I find the script an easy, smooth read thus far. Excellent pace of writing. The mix of action and dialogue is balanced just right at the moment, as is what I call the "Show and Tell" factor (What we see on-screen as opposed to what we hear from the characters). Right now, I'm feel like I'm being shown what I need to see and being told only what I need to hear, and I'm not confused in the least. Love that Sinai gets Chauncey back. Interesting to see the troubled relationship between son in law and father, TJ and Victor. Continuing on...
  
  Pages 11 - 20 - Not exactly sure what frame of time were in. A pickup truck? I was expecting horseback, but I suppose this is one of them modern type cowboy tales. I'm goin with it. Again, this seems quite modern with the bank and insurance stuff going on. Victor knows almost immediately that Sinai is attempting to deposit money, even though in his mind she's dead. Did he get the message through an email to his Blackberry??? Were just about 20 pages in and I'm not sure what time period we're in. Maybe do a little something to establish that earlier. It's a bit misleading to the avid western fan crowd, and the newcomers may be slightly confused as well. I want to see westerns come back too, but we've got to take into consideration the audiences that may come out to see this. I like the convo between TJ and Sinai, seems these two have history. I hope it comes to the light. Continuing on...
  
  Pages 21 - 30 - Things are progressing smoothly. Seems Sinai's quest for revenge goes much deeper than just killing Chauncey. Once again, were using computers to punch up the guest list, so I'm estimating we're in fairly modern times here, that just about solidifies our time period. Are you implying we're in an age where cowboys still exist, and these primitive forms of intimidation for stealing land are still utilized? She video records the massage to expose the Senator, nice. pg 29, there is just something comedic about Sinai cruising along in a Jeep and Roy chasin' behind her on horseback. Glad to see Roy decided to team up with Sinai.
  
  Pages 31 - 40 - A lot going on. Sinai and Roy trash the site. Elijah has an eerie confrontation with Sinai. David and Sinai's fight is brutal. TJ and Sinai's history coming to the forefront. Good to see he still cares. Comes out that Victor killed TJ's dad. Continuing on...
  
  Pages 41 - 50 - pg 41 From my experience, beat should be used in dialogue, not as it's own sentence of action. Just a suggestion. Continuing on...
  
  Pages 51 - 60 - If it seems like I'm writing less and less, it's not because I'm not paying attention, but because there's really nothing to criticize. I'm into the story, don't wanna' pull out for notes unless something really stops me. So far the story is really progressing smoothly thanks to solid writing. Dialogue, story, and action are divulged at just the right pace. Girl, did I see this love scene coming. I imagined seeing a leading lady, Scarlett Johannsen maybe, with Johnny Depp face to face and everyone in the audience all sharing the same thought: Just shut up and kiss her already! So, it ends up being a nice and satisfying scene, even though it lacks rationale in more ways than one. I guess it could make sense because Sinai is vulnerable, lost, and doesn't really have a real justification for her actions, and TJ just plays right on into that. pg 57 Cowboys and the internet, funny. David's playing a dangerous game, and quite foolishly. If we're in the present day, can't we establish bank accounts? Have Victor deposit some the money, then have David lead them to Sinai, then he collects the rest? Or is David just that wreckless? Continuing on...
  
  Pages 61 - 70 - Continuing on...
  
  Pages 71 - 80 - Continuing on...
  
  Pages 81 - 90 - Continuing on...
  
  Pages 91 - 105 - pg 99/100 the frenetic shootout scene is vaguely reminiscent of The Departed, in which everyone gets shot in roughly one minute, and I had to read it through three times. First time to make sure who was injured/dead, second time to figure out how Victor hit Anita, third time because I wanted to actually run it back in my mind to appreciate the scene. Aw shucks, TJ and Sinai go through all that not to end up together? That leaves me slightly sour!
  
  Closing Comments
  ---------------------
  Fluid writing, quick and meaningful dialogue, and a great story makes Blood Money shine. I had a great deal of fun reading it, and watching the scenes play out in my mind was so easy thanks to your writing's descriptive nature and easy to grasp imagery. As I mentioned throughout the story, the only aspect of it I was sketchy about was the era. It's not written as a straight-up Western, the kind I watched with my grandpa as a kid. In all honesty, if you took the few things out of the script that made modern day references (computer, jeep, internet, etc.) you could still make this a traditional Western, unless of course your intention is to create some kind of hybrid-futuristic cowboy tale. It really did feel like this was a prequel entering around Sharon Stone's character in The Quick and The Dead, because essentially Gene Hackman's character did the same thing to her family. Killed her daddy, took her land, and left her for dead. Overall, excellent job and good luck on bringin' cowboys back into theaters.
  
  - Jay read
• 
  REVIEW OF BLOOD MONEY
  A review of Blood Money
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/11/2007
  The best thing about this screenplay is the clarity with which it's written. Using brevity and clarity well is part of it, but the writer's vivid descriptions of people and places was also a contributing factor to making this an easy read, and an enjoyable one. For modern times I did think some of Sinai's gunplay was a little over the top. Not all of it, to be sure, but... The best thing about this screenplay is the clarity with which it's written. Using brevity and clarity well is part of it, but the writer's vivid descriptions of people and places was also a contributing factor to making this an easy read, and an enjoyable one. For modern times I did think some of Sinai's gunplay was a little over the top. Not all of it, to be sure, but some of it struck me as difficult to get away with. A good job all around though, and Sinai Montez is a classy name.
  
  Page 1
  
  Make sure your headings and text are on the same page together.
  
  Page 3
  
  Make sure your character headings go on the same page as what they say.
  
  No page numbers throughout the screenplay.
  
  Page 6 - I think.
  
  Make sure your headings don’t run over into two lines.
  
  SUPER: is what most writers would use. SUPERIMPOSE is kind of out of date.
  read