Mystical man cave transports three modern day feminized guys to the ultra masculine land of Brohaven.
HOW IT RATES
Desperate out of work guys create a phony company, just so they can say on their resumes that they are currently employed. And even though the company is fake, the office politics behind it are real. This script is based on the fact that many companies now will not interview job candidates that have been unemployed long term and some may not even interview candidates that are unemployed period.
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This is an old revision of the script which is kept up by TS as it was a SOM Nom.
Reviews of BOSS OF ME - (2nd Draft) 8
by jovan.jevtic on 05/23/2012I saw you on first 15 and I decided to read your script. Great story. I have several comments how to improve it: -the law firm enemies should appear little bit more. For example Spenser and Tom get another case and they have to deal with the lawyers. -Monica needs work. Her realtionship with Spenser must have a greater value so more is at stake for Spenser. Maybe show one more... I saw you on first 15 and I decided to read your script. Great story.
I have several comments how to improve it:
-the law firm enemies should appear little bit more. For example Spenser and Tom get another case and they have to deal with the lawyers.
-Monica needs work. Her realtionship with Spenser must have a greater value so more is at stake for Spenser. Maybe show one more scene with Monica at the begining.
-the law chick should hook up with the future guy- but he will later still think she's a lesbian- just for laughs.
Good luck, great story, hope it gets made. read
by stevend on 02/23/2012Whew... where to start. This script starts off absolutely brilliantly. There are a few minor flaws in some of the set-up scenes (which I'll get to), but mostly, by page 40 or so, I was thinking, "Man, I kinda want to direct this. I wonder if I can option it, take it to some of my producer friends and try to get it made." Truly. It is such a relief to read something on... Whew... where to start.
This script starts off absolutely brilliantly. There are a few minor flaws in some of the set-up scenes (which I'll get to), but mostly, by page 40 or so, I was thinking, "Man, I kinda want to direct this. I wonder if I can option it, take it to some of my producer friends and try to get it made." Truly. It is such a relief to read something on TS that's this compelling, well-written, and has a brilliant high-concept premise.
But then, unfortunately, it completely falls apart in the second half. I was devastated. Not that there aren't some good bits in the second half, but most of the cleverness, ingenuity and spark that the first 40 pages had just fizzled by the end. I was so disappointed.
So where did the script go wrong for me? Let's take a look...
Mechanics - Decent. There are typos and grammar errors, some of which I note in my notes below. Nothing that would kill the read of a solid script, but it's definitely not up to a professional level.
Character: In many ways, great. In some other ways, this is a big weak point. Like I said, it starts off great. I like Tom a lot. Spencer is more of a blank everyman, but that doesn't kill it. It gives us someone good to identify with.
You round out the cast with a bunch of mostly one-joke characters, but that mostly works as well. I like Altair, and most of your secondary characters have just enough personality that they are funny and interesting. I'd love to see it taken to another level, but what you have is just serviceable enough.
But at the same time, there are some flaws. The big one is Monica. She is a functionary character only, stuffed into the story basically as a MacGuffin to give Spencer a concrete reason for needing to find another job quickly. She's given essentially ONE character trait, which isn't even a character trait but rather a backstory. She wants a big wedding because that's the only thing she remembers about her mother. It's an interesting possibility for a set-up, but it totally doesn't work for me because you never really commit to the idea or sell it, and because I never really BELIEVE it. The truth is that she wants a big wedding because you the writer realize that it will complicate your protagonist's plan, and that shows in every interaction they have. She's not a person, she's a complication, and not a terribly good one, at that.
My suggestion is that you need to deepen both her character and her relationship with Spencer. Right now, she comes across mostly as a potential harpie, and I kept waiting for the moment when things blew up between them. I was half expecting the story to go in a more traditional rom-commy sort of route where over the course of the story the main character realizes what a horrible shrew his potential wife is and instead falls in love with the female lead (see, e.g., Trial and Error with Jeff Daniels and Charlize Theron). I'm really glad you didn't go there. But if you want us to care about their relationship, you need to make us do so. If you make Monica a more sympathetic character, if you truly communicate her NEED to have the perfect wedding and make us believe it, and most importantly, if you make us LIKE her so that WE want her to have the perfect wedding also, then you make Spencer's story so much more compelling.
Along those same lines, it would not hurt to have some other, direr need for Spencer to get a job quickly. As it stands, the wedding seems like the ONLY reason, and it's not enough. My biggest impression is that Spencer needs another job so he can maintain his rich lifestyle. That's not going to garner a whole lot of sympathy with your average audience member. No one is going to cry if a rich guy has to leave his penthouse apartment and move into a place that's STILL nicer than the shithole they are watching the movie at on their ancient CRT TV. But make Spencer more solidly middle class, and you get more people on board with his dilemma.
I also feel like I want to understand Tom better. He starts out as a bit of a buffoon, and I kept seeing something like Steve Carell in Dinner For Schmucks or as Michael Scott - someone very well-meaning who still manages to screw everything up for the protagonist. You started to go there, and then you more-or-less abandoned that about halfway through, when he became a fairly competent manager. This is a big reason why the second half doesn't work, for me. Instead of increasing complications in a comedy-of-errors, we level off around page 40 into a muddled, unstructured mess.
Mostly solid, but needs some work. Which is to say, there are moments of sheer comic brilliance in some of your exchanges. And then there are other moments of cringe-worthy on-the-nose-ity that ruin an otherwise good scene. The good news is that the latter is very fixable, and in most cases, it's simply a matter of removing the offending line.
The biggest sin that you keep committing is this tic that makes you feel the need to explain a joke after you've told it. There are so many instances in this script where you made a funny, and then you have someone basically explain why that thing was funny, which kills the humor. You need to trust your audience more to get the jokes.
For instance, for me, on page 8, "I'm fired too?" is funny. "You were never hired!" makes it less funny. We know he was never hired, and we know that both characters know it. Why say it? It's like you are explaining the previous joke, and explaining a joke almost invariably makes it less funny. If I were rewriting this, I'd just have the security guard come in after Tom's line and cut Spencer's. I'd probably cut Spencer's next line, too. Again, we know this information. To me, it's funnier if he doesn't say it, but just grabs the boxes from the security guard with a scowl.
Later on page 9 "That’s what friends do." Funny. "Even when they’re not friends." makes it less funny.
Pg. 11 "Make that three friends. Yours truly here." I'd lose the second sentence. What does it add that isn't already contained in the first sentence?
Pg. 13 "He uses a stupid smiley face. How would I have known what he looked like?" Again, to me the visual gag is funnier. He points to the yellow smiley face, we know exactly what he's talking about, because we've all seen people on facebook who have pictures that aren't them. Trust your audience to get the joke without explaining it.
At other times, you demonstrate some really great subtlety. For instance, on page 52:
TOM: Thank you, Altair. New tie?
ALTAIR: Yes. Yes, it is. Macy’s.
TOM: It’s nice. Thanks for the report. I appreciate it. I do.
Here's a brilliant bit of subtext that talented actors could totally bring alive. It works because we know these characters. We know how much Altair hates dressing like a normal person. And you rightfully refrain from pointing it out to us to make sure we get it.
In addition to this problem, I think that your dialog is often over-written. You could cut large chunks of it (particularly the expository stuff) without sacrificing humor or meaning. You have moments of awesome, snappy, witty stuff, and then occasionally get bogged down telling us information. Most of that information turns out to be either irrelevant, or better communicated visually. I have some specific examples in my page notes.
Here's where you major problem is. Like I said, the first 40 pages are absolutely brilliant. You set it up so perfectly that I was dying to see how everything played out. It follows a very standard screenplay formula, but it's fresh and inventive and a GREAT concept (potentially) that I was really looking forward to seeing just how far you took things.
And then you dropped the ball. I can pinpoint the exact moment when it happened, which is when they arrive at the factory. There are some issues before that, which I'll get to, but the minute Tom starts talking about wanting to save the factory workers, you lost me. You didn't end up going where I thought you were going, which is good, but where you went instead totally killed the momentum of the story.
Up to this point, you had increasing complications. You had Tom getting Spencer and everyone else into more and more ridiculous, funny, and interesting dilemmas. But here they solve the problem. And quickly. What I thought was going to be a MAJOR complication (they get hired to actually do what they are only PRETENDING to do) turns out to be the thing that saves them, and it happens more or less at the midpoint, where things should really start to ramp up.
There's so much potential for drama and humor in this premise. Someone actually hires them, thinking they are a real company, and they actually go and do something. They have now technically committed fraud. But rather than letting them squirm on the hook, you let them off. Then, even given the very easy job of simply handing in a fake report that's already written, they screw it up, and AGAIN, instead of letting them squirm and making the consequence of their actions ramp up the drama in the script, you AGAIN totally let them off the hook.
You follow this with a bachelor party sequence and finance/stripper misunderstanding that we've seen SOOOOO many times before, and then AGAIN, you mostly back out of having Spencer face the consequences. Monica's upset, but she's not THAT upset, and I bought neither her action (leaving him) nor her reason for that action. And also, if this is going to happen, it needs to happen at the break into act III. It sort of does, but not really. Mostly, that's because you haven’t made your characters suffer enough to get here, so it definitely doesn't feel like a dark night of the soul, more of a vaguely twilightish evening of the soul.
Page 65 is way too late to be still in the "fun and games". You started out with a clear goal, that goal got complicated along the way, but now the story is just wandering around. The bachelor party doesn't move the story forward. It keeps it in stasis. This is where the story should be ramping up, the complications and obstacles should be getting bigger, and the story should be getting more intense. Instead, it's fizzling.
Finally, way too late, you bring in the point of this scene. I'd get to it much faster. I'd make Spencer much more reluctant to even be participating in this party. That way, our sympathy stays with him. If he's objecting the whole way, instead of bragging about how drunk he's going to get, then when the phone call comes we feel for him, because he DIDN'T want to be here, or only reluctantly.
That said, this is such a cliché complication that if I were re-writing this script, I'd probably lose it entirely. The whole "girlfriend/wife/fiancé catches her man doing something nasty with strippers and he has to try to explain it to her" thing has been soooooooo done to death. We've seen this scene a thousand times before, and your version of it is neither original nor particularly well-executed. In a script that is very full of inventiveness and originality, that makes it stand out even more.
You then take it in a slightly different direction, which is good, making the fight about IDS instead of the strippers. But on the whole this whole incident feels too much like manufactured conflict. There have to be better ways to get him into a fight with Monica.
It doesn't help that Monica is very under-written and one-note.
Punish your characters. Make them WORK for stuff. Make them fail at getting it, over and over and over. The second half of this script is in such dire need of drama, conflict, and stakes. Conflict, conflict, conflict!!
The only real flaw, plot-wise, in the first 40 is the length of the kickball sequence. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of them joining a corporate kickball league. And you clearly intend this as a fun-and-games set piece. But it just goes on too long and isn't funny enough in itself. It also has no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the plot. You could remove it entirely and it would affect nothing else.
My suggestion is that you cut it way back and use it to further the story. If I were re-writing this, I'd make their potential "job" offer come as a direct result of this kickball game. This not only makes the game relevant to the plot, it adds the potential complication and stakes that the people bringing them this job are a bunch of corporate lawyers. If the lawyers have some sort of client that needs a consulting business, and they suggest IDS, then if Spencer and Tom et al. screw it up, they're going to have to answer to the lawyers, which is BAD. Make your characters suffer. That's your job.
So that's my take. I hope you find it helpful. I really, really wanted to like this script, and I DO, but it can be so much more than it is right now.
Personally, I've still got my eye out for a good comedy feature to direct. This script could be done WELL on a very tight budget, and I'd love to be the one to direct it. But it needs a lot of work, first.
Anyway, best of luck with it, and if you have any questions for me, my inbox is always open. Minor notes to follow...
Pg. 3 "I don’t... He’s not more important than you. I just haven’t seen the guy since high school. We weren’t even that close really. No big deal." The perfect combination of on-the-nose and naked exposition.
Pg. 6 "Of the food or the people?" Chuckled out loud.
Pg. 7 "You’re job" s/b "Your job"
Pg. 7 "looses" s/b "loses"
Pg. 11 "nowadays" is one word. "long-term" needs a hyphen
I know from experience that many companies will be suspicious of you if you have long gaps in your employment history. But I'm not sure I buy the premise that having lost his job THE DAY BEFORE (especially when you make it clear multiple times that he was laid off, not fired) is going to affect his employment chances. Specifically, I can't recall ever having seen an employment advertisement ever say anything like “Must be currently employed” - “No long term unemployed” - “Current employment a plus”. Even if these things were true, I've never seen someone come right out and say it. It's one of those unspoken things.
I know you need to get to the break into act two as quick as possible, but it seems to me like you'd be better off replacing the scene of him at a computer searching for jobs (which, after all, is not terribly visually dynamic) with a scene of him actually landing an interview, and then the subject of his current employment coming up and him having to explain the difference between being laid off and fired, the interviewer clearly being skeptical. You could even throw in a line like "I mean, it's not like I jerked off in the coffee pot or anything." Basically, there's just more potential for humor AND believability if we watch him get in his own way at the interview. Like he's so nervous about the prospect of not having a current job that he psyches himself out and makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. That I'd buy.
Also, and I'm just throwing this out there, a few weeks is not long enough to make Spencer's situation dire enough. If it were my script, I'd cut to something more like six months or something later. This gives you two advantages: one, it means that Spencer is more likely to have blown through his savings and gotten himself into more dire financial straights, which in turn complicates his plans with Monica, and two, it makes it more believable and more in line with Tom's earlier assertion that unemployment is self-perpetuating. The fact is, a few days or weeks of unemployment is not going to affect your job prospects significantly. But stay unemployed for six months or a year, and suddenly every place you interview is going to ask you WHY, and regardless of your answer, they are all going to be thinking the same thing: what's wrong with this guy that no one else has hired him yet. Which makes it harder to find a job. Which makes unemployment drag on longer. Which makes it harder to find a job. Etc.
Pg. 19 "You wanna to work for me?"
Pg. 20 " I have a MBA" s/b "an MBA"
Pg. 36 This whole scene really bogs down in rather uninteresting and unnecessary exposition. Having Spencer vomit up Monica's backstory is not the best way to get this information out. Try to come up with ways to get information across visually. If, at some point, we SEE these pictures, that's far better than being TOLD about them.
Pg. 53 - "look like your studying the box making" s/b "you're" and "box-making"
Pg. 55 - You just had a second incidence of Tom controlling a flash mob. This had better pay off...
Pg. 57 "The IDS workers help the hard working factory workers find ways to save time.
"Sales people are constantly calling on the phones.
"Everything is moving like clockwork."
What does this LOOK like? Give us specific, visual scenes that illustrate these things. I have no idea what this is supposed to look like on the screen. Tell me exactly what I see and hear, no more, no less.
Pg. 60-61 - "outrank" is one word.
Pg. 62 -" SPENCER: A bachelor party? For me?
TOM: Hell yeah for you! Call the
driver, tell him Spencer's here.
ETHAN: Texted him three minutes ago."
You don't need these lines. Let Spencer react and have the car drive up. This is needless exposition and wasted space that doesn't move the story forward.
I don’t like that they hatch the plan to save the factory right away. While I understand Tom's desire to save jobs, given his own history, I feel like this would be a much stronger plot point if they decide to save the factory AFTER they get to know some of the people they might be firing. That humanizes their decision.
Also, a thousand dollars is a pretty miniscule amount for a business consultant. And it also makes their decision much easier. If, instead, he offer them TEN thousand dollars (or TWENTY thousand), then now they have a big pot of money to split, and passing it up is a much more difficult proposition. You put them to a much more difficult choice.
Page 71 is also way too late, IMO, for this kind of information to come out about Spencer. This is a classic example of telling rather than showing. Through 70 pages, you've given us very little indication that Spencer is the kind of person who would buy Valentine's chocolates the day after, or not go out on New Year's or etc... These are all very interesting traits, and they tell us a lot about Spencer. But it's page *70*. We need this information much much sooner (like, page 10... or page *1*). And we need to SEE it, not learn about it because Monica tells it to us. Add just one incident like these to the early part of the script and you will not only give us valuable information about Spencer, but also valuable information about their relationship that then PREDICTS this conflict later. But right now, it comes completely out of left field, which makes it feel forced. I don't buy her leaving because so far we haven't seen them having any actual problems. read
by Cobb05 on 02/11/2012I enjoyed this screenplay a lot. I think it's a strong concept. It made me think of Old School in a way. Not that I'm a big fan of Old School, I think it's good, but people have made it way overrated. But in terms of a regular guy getting caught up in a crazy idea with some broad characters, that's what came to mind. I think you're a solid writer. Format and structure were... I enjoyed this screenplay a lot. I think it's a strong concept. It made me think of Old School in a way. Not that I'm a big fan of Old School, I think it's good, but people have made it way overrated. But in terms of a regular guy getting caught up in a crazy idea with some broad characters, that's what came to mind.
I think you're a solid writer. Format and structure were solid. No real crazy mistakes in terms of that.
I liked your characters. Spencer could've gotten lost in the movie as the straight man, but I think you did a good job of giving him some lines and bits to keep Tom from overpowering the movie. I liked the bit with Monica wanting to see under his desk. I think she does come off a little too tough. Maybe with that scene, you can have it be a little more playful. She's a tricky character though. You can't have her too soft, but you don't want her too tough. When Spencer tries to win her back, I felt she was a little too bitchy, which made it seem like she turns too fast when Thriller happens. I think you should have Spencer sort of kidnap her and have it all happen fast. So she doesn't have a chance to get too mean. If you have Spencer dragging her around, she'll be more shocked. Also it adds some excitment.
I liked the dialogue. It didn't come across forced. Even the pop culture references didn't feel like they were added to be cool. They felt natural. I liked the line about the DeLorean breaking down or did Doc Brown get shot by the terrorists.
One thing I thought could be funny. When Tom shows the banner and there's the dragon on it. It might be funnier of it was a dragon with a naked woman on it. Or a dragon with a samurai sword. It just seems like Tom would go a step further than just a dragon. A dragon would be cool, but a dragon with a sword or machine gun would be cooler to him.
The screenplay had good pacing. The third act could use a little work though. I felt like the ending was sort of rushed and had like 3 endings before the fade out. I think maybe you should have Spencer get the other job and possibly Tom gets another job for IDS. And when Spencer goes back, we find out that Tom blew it and then left to get the job at the fast food place. That way Spencer goes back, thinking that maybe the job went well and it's not as much of a leap of faith.
I enjoyed this screenplay and I think with the right cast and director, it could be a very funny movie. read
by stephjones on 02/10/2012Hey Russell, Lots of good writing here though I must admit I wasn't sure about the Tom Turpin character until I imagined Zach Galifianakis in his part--then it just fit. Your first act was great. Good set-up, clever dialogue--I was hooked. A couple of questions though: I never quite got a handle on Monica. I really thought at first she was a total controlling ball-buster which... Hey Russell,
Lots of good writing here though I must admit I wasn't sure about the Tom Turpin character until I imagined Zach Galifianakis in his part--then it just fit.
Your first act was great. Good set-up, clever dialogue--I was hooked. A couple of questions though:
I never quite got a handle on Monica. I really thought at first she was a total controlling ball-buster which did not have me rooting for their marriage to go off. I was hoping for the opposite actually and thought Spenser would grow a pair and tell her that she's not the boss of him-- IMO She needs to arc into a little humility and self-awareness. Their relationship is such a key motivator for Spenser it has to be something the audience roots for and I didn't. I wanted him to tell her to take a hike. I think all of the scenes with him trying to please her fell flat because there was no reciprocity in their relationship--hence it didn't ring true for me. I know Spenser got tough on the financial aspects of their wedding plans, at the end, but it felt a little too contrived, not really an organic result of the two of them struggling with it for awhile and a compromise being made--too all or nothing her way then suddenly it was all his way without us understanding why something which meant so much to Monica, suddenly didn't. The bottom line is I never got the impression Monica cared about him, just the wedding and whether he could pay for it.
Otherwise things moved along well with the rest of your story in act 2 The kickball bonding was good. Some really funny dialog and i was really enjoying it until the midpoint on page 55 when they did the domino thing on the pier, this time with Spencer joining in. I must admit I just went huh? what was that about? I'm thinking it was to show again how Tom could influence everyone. I just didn't think it fit that he also influenced Spenser at that time as he was moving on. I think it would be great to emphasize THAT there.
The box factory was a necessary device to further the story. However I think you took the easy way out with the generic descriptions of how they saved jobs and the company in a week. It read like a hold over from a previous version which you hadn't got around to rewriting. I'm guilty of that and would love if someone called me on my shortcuts, personally. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but i think you need to put the same focus and energy into this act as you did the first act. They need to come up with an imaginative way to re-use the box company. Instead of boxes maybe they make something funny, like cardboard cereal. Lots of fiber and zero calories!. it's like eating tree bark except easier on the gums!
I also thought the stripper thing has been done too much. maybe they are invaded by Altair's sisters. they could claim they wanted to cut a few corners here and there but not scrimp on the really important things. of course, the sisters are total freaks but in CLEAR mylar, or maybe they are Altair's brothers!! you could have goldfish swimming where their breasts would be?
I also didn't understand the "accidental" aspect of the strippers? why was that necessary?
In act 3, where Monica is getting her stuff and Spenser claims he needs her help moving a foosball table??? This seemed really bizarre to me. A woman like Monica is not asked to do heavy lifting--ever and the other part that's bizzare is I have a foosball table mentioned in my latest screenplay! how random is that? or is it foosball really hot right now and i just lucked into it? ( i don't get out much). You are so contemporary in the rest of your story the foosball table seemed like a throwback. just my opinion, of course.
so, to summarize, a few questions here and there about story and character development but overall it's an enjoyable story which was easy to read and moved along nicely.
Your structure is good, you hit your act breaks, your dialog was funny and not expository. the story didn't drag and was consistently entertaining. Just the things I mentioned above are my only feedback--can't call them criticisms cause what the heck do i know? I could tell you I was envious of how well you write dialog but what good would that do you? whoa. just lost internet before I could edit this, hope some of it gets through.
all the best with this. read
by Tonytripleshot on 02/10/2012A job opportunity given to a Facebook friend goes south when Spencer, a clean cut hubby to be is given the boot before hiring Tom Turpin. At least it starts out that way. First off Tom is not the Tom Turpin Spencer thought he was then Spencer gets the bad news that he will no longer be needed. He better get a job fast. The idea of having a bogus company for your resume is... A job opportunity given to a Facebook friend goes south when Spencer, a clean cut hubby to be is given the boot before hiring Tom Turpin. At least it starts out that way.
First off Tom is not the Tom Turpin Spencer thought he was then Spencer gets the bad news that he will no longer be needed. He better get a job fast.
The idea of having a bogus company for your resume is a good idea, even if it's been done for real. People pad their resumes all the time.
There are lots of laughs in the script but there could have been more.
For instance Altair the future dressing computer geek who mysteriously cant get a job. He was a well thought out character.
Over all the script kept me reading but it changed its over all goal from getting a job to saving his wedding.
Spencer learned his lesson quickly about himself and what his true goal should be in life. Happiness.
If you take the same story and have him trying to save his relationship from the very beginning as well as find a job that might work.
The funniest thing in the whole script is the group of outcasts that are friends with Tom. All entertainers at heart all great characters.
I enjoyed all the flash crowd stuff as well as how he won his bride back.
I kept wanting more of the IDS staff. They were hilarious.
All in all this was a good script that could be awesome with more emphasis on the crazy friends that suddenly became a part of Spencer's life.
Even as it sits though I would have to admit I would still watch this film. Why? Because we have all had some nutty person enter their life who ended up making us look at life a little differently and laugh. read
by gapoz on 02/09/2012First off, I loved it. Now let's get to the nitty gritty. Here are notes I took while reading: *** First impressions.. Clean, good white space. Concise. Never seen a scene set up specifically as a computer screen, but guess it works. Scene slugs should have Day or Night on them. This often seems obvious to reader of course, but is very important to production studios that... First off, I loved it. Now let's get to the nitty gritty. Here are notes I took while reading:
Clean, good white space. Concise. Never seen a scene set up specifically as a computer screen, but guess it works.
Scene slugs should have Day or Night on them. This often seems obvious to reader of course, but is very important to production studios that run statistics and such to quickly determine what types of equipment are needed and so forth.
Scene 2 listed as FEW DAYS LATER. Thats not proper, or useful to the film folks, although it's easy for the writer and reader. If it is important, use it as a SUPER, otherwise just write something into the scene that makes it obvious it's a few days later.
Give a character age and description the first time they are used. In the case of Spencer, this is done after he has been referenced several times. Even if the usage is via a picture or computer, it is important to give the basic details on the first usage.
p.s "Tell Tom I'll be right out" probably more natural as 'Tell him I'll be right out". In real life, people rarely actually use names when talking. I mention this because I've been scolded about it. For some reason, in writing, it always seems right, but saying it out loud will help you decide.
Again on page 4. "I am Tom, Spencer" say that out loud, and then try "I'm Tom."
Tom seems a bit long winded. On the nose a bit, but given that most of the dialogue is pretty damn good thus far, I'm thinking that you might be 'drawing' him that way intentionally. We all know people like this.
(LATER EDIT NOTE - Tom is indeed supposed to be like this, and it works well.)
p.6 "Of the food or the people". I suspect some folks won't like this, but I do :)
p.7 "Mitchell looks up grim" should be Mitchell looks up, grim.
I'm not a big stickler on this type thing myself, except in cases where the lack of the punctuation actually changes the entire context, as it does here.
Another little nit pick. You have a lot of 'widows', single words that end up wrapped and take a line to themselves. Sometimes there's no way around this, and you should never destroy your dialogue to do so, but often times, looking for this and trying to eliminate them, will lead to much cleaner dialogue. As an example, on page 7, "I'll let him know the bad news". News ends up on it's own line. If you said "I'll tell him the bad news", it's more concise, and eliminates the widow. Just a thought. Looking for these things is one of the things I do on later drafts usually.
p.7 The conversation here makes Spencer look a little dense. If he is, that's fine, but if you are doing this because you just love the bantor (like I do), then you should probably sacrifice it for the sake of the character consistency. At this point in, it makes him seem a bit 'slower' than I took him, based on his previous dialogue. Also, bottom of the page, Mitchell says 'looses' when it should be 'loses'.
p.8 "which he knocked off somehow". Not needed. We don't see it anyway, so get rid of it. You rely on the viewer being smart enough to 'get it', so treat the reader with the same resepect. We will be smart enough to figure it out.
"I was trying to check my Myspace account". Might want to use "I was trying to check a Myspace account". The my Myspace gives it a tone you might not want, since it comes out my my when you actually say it.
In the conversation here (p.8) it seems like Spencer and Tom traded places, given the scene prior where Tom seemed to be so clueless and is now the one that gets frustrated because Tom is clueless. You may want to take a look at this to ensure you stay consistant with the characters.
On the plus side, some funny shit. I really know how hard it is to cut something you really like.
p.9 "No one would barely even say goodbye." Very awkward phrasing.
Love this dialogue :) I like Tom as the funny guy and Spencer as the straight man.
I love the meeting where he goes over the business calls with Tom. LOL funny shit.
p.32 midway, Spencer 'but I not gonna hang' should be "I'm". lol, can't believe this is so good I'm noticing shit like that.
p.34 A little concerned her about who the story is about. Clearly (I thought) this was Spencers story, but it has so far been Tom that really 'does' everything. He is also becoming 'not so dense' in many ways, and thus the character is changing.
p.50 'breaks" should be "brakes"
p. 64 "inbreed" = "inbred"
*** end of real time notes
Post read thoughts.
Structure - Is good. Things where they're supposed to be.
Concept - I love it. Very timely as well.
Dialogue - For the most part, excellent and believable, with very little exposition, and running long only in spots where that actually helps define the character. An out loud read will help you find any rough spots.
Story - Clever and well told.
Characters - This is a mixed bag, with most of the mix being quite good. The problem is that in a few spots, the characters trade places, as I noted in the real time notes. They are otherwise well defined, believable, and unique within the sp.
Pacing - Overall pretty good, but with some drag in the mid second act. A lot of time is spent with them not doing much in terms of moving the story ahead.
I liked this. It was a one sit down read, which is always good. It's clean, well paced (mostly), and presented well, with few spelling or grammar errors.
I often do coverage for production shops, and here's the thing I think you may get hit on... This is Spencer's story, but Tom steals the show for most of it. It is Tom that moves things in the story, and he drags Spencer along, sometimes kicking and screaming. That could be a problem, but it works so well, I'm not inclined to suggest any big change to it. The one aspect of it that troubled me, frankly, was the ending. Tom is not amply rewarded. I personally think that in the end, when it is finally Spencer that is being pro-active, he should convince Tom to come back to work as president, and hire HIM. Tom made an awesome leader, as Spencer notes. Clearly Spencer has made an about-face here, but let's face it, he becomes a pro-active leader in the last few minutes of the film. Tom has been a natural leader all along.
Anywho, just my two cents. If I was reviewing this for a prodco, I would give both script and writer a strong consider, which I think is within tweaking range of a recommend. Thanks for the great read, and best of luck! read
by terri cairns on 02/08/2012After reading just the first few pages and had decided that this was a film I would want to watch. The stories great, very detailed and very funny. The characters are well written and their relationships are perfect. The idea of making up a fake company to get a real job seemed like it could be an episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia, and even while reading this... After reading just the first few pages and had decided that this was a film I would want to watch. The stories great, very detailed and very funny. The characters are well written and their relationships are perfect. The idea of making up a fake company to get a real job seemed like it could be an episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia, and even while reading this screenplay, I could imagine Charlie Day playing Spencer and Robert Mcellnery playing Tom. These two characters made me love them and the whole of IDS. The story itself is very clever and at the same time very simple. The comedy of the characters draws you in, and leaves you rooting for the underdogs!
Fantastic work!!! read
by Michael Price on 02/03/2012I absolutely laughed my ass off reading this script, it was a total blast. Awesome job. I’m sure you are aware of what you have here, a pro script ready for market, so I won’t waste time on anymore compliments. The only thing I can think for you to work on, which is so very, very common in a comedy of this nature, is Monica. Way too often the girlfriend or wife of the male... I absolutely laughed my ass off reading this script, it was a total blast. Awesome job. I’m sure you are aware of what you have here, a pro script ready for market, so I won’t waste time on anymore compliments. The only thing I can think for you to work on, which is so very, very common in a comedy of this nature, is Monica. Way too often the girlfriend or wife of the male lead in a comedy is a cookie-cutter, two dimensional character who still has a lot of dramatic weight to carry. I think you have fallen into the same trap. Spencer goes to an awesome amount of work to win her over, she is his motivation, but we never see why she is so awesome. In the movie, she will be hot, and so we will all assume that’s why he loves her. But I think you are better than that. Remember all the different ways the Farrelly Brothers made Mary an awesomely loveable woman to all Mankind in Something About Mary? In your own way, you have to do something similar, and show us a totally killer and unique chick that any guy would fall for. Build yourself the Perfect Woman, then giver her to Spencer. read
- Writer: Russell Corey
- Uploaded by: Russell Corey
- Length: 105 pages
- Genre: comedy
- Bio: Grew up in Cary, North Carolina and graduated from The University of North Carolina in 1991. I’ve been living in California ever since. I write at nights and on the weekends in hopes of one day selling a screenplay. I’ve learned so much by reading screenplays on Triggerstreet. The best advice I could give any aspiring screenwriter is to join Triggerstreet and start reading scripts.
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This is an old revision of the script which is kept up by TS as it was a SOM Nom.
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