Reviews of Carnies (revised) 21

• 
  Skin heads Vs. Carnies!
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by Mr.Madrid941 on 12/14/2008
  LOL..Robert E. Lee memorial parking lot.. The structure was excellent! Didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors which allowed me to concentrate more on the characters and the story. I read that the Cut to's should be used sparingly for a few different reasons(mainly to not distract the reader from the story) and they were used here quite a few times but they didn't distract... LOL..Robert E. Lee memorial parking lot..
  
  The structure was excellent! Didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors which allowed me to concentrate more on the characters and the story. I read that the Cut to's should be used sparingly for a few different reasons(mainly to not distract the reader from the story) and they were used here quite a few times but they didn't distract me at all. The dialogue had me rolling. funniest line: (young stripper) "Just don't fucken touch me"..At first I wasn't sure if a story about a bunch of carnies was going to draw me in but it did and I stayed with it. Every character held his own. Overall this script makes a good example of how to write a script correctly. Congrats on winning script of the month and good luck with everything! read
• 
  Review
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/09/2008
  I thought the story was fairly well written. I say this because I didn’t really grow up around state fairs like that, but the way you described it made me feel like I did. I also thought that the action scene was nicely written. throughout the whole story I could picture it as a movie in my head, so that was good also. The only thing that I didn’t really like was the story,... I thought the story was fairly well written. I say this because I didn’t really grow up around state fairs like that, but the way you described it made me feel like I did. I also thought that the action scene was nicely written. throughout the whole story I could picture it as a movie in my head, so that was good also. The only thing that I didn’t really like was the story, the story itself didn’t really appeal to me, but you did a good job at writing it, that it made me like the story, or the way it was written.
  so good job and keep writing. read
• 
  review
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by Russell Corey on 12/09/2008
  The biggest test for any script I read is, is this a movie. I guess I was trying to see this as redneck Anchorman/Tommy Boy/Joe Dirt-type movie. At times it worked. I think you have some funny lines and good characters, but I’m not sure it works as a whole and is funny enough to get big time talent attached to it. I grew up in the North Carolina and would go to the state... The biggest test for any script I read is, is this a movie. I guess I was trying to see this as redneck Anchorman/Tommy Boy/Joe Dirt-type movie.
  
  At times it worked. I think you have some funny lines and good characters, but I’m not sure it works as a whole and is funny enough to get big time talent attached to it.
  
  I grew up in the North Carolina and would go to the state fair, so I’m somewhat familiar with the types of characters featured in the script.
  
  Is there a comedy film about Carnies that can be made? Maybe. Not sure the climax should be a bloody battle with skinheads.
  
  I think you have a good sense of humor and have some funny lines. I think the father character is hilarious.
  
  I liked the start of the script, but by around page 50, I was getting kinda bored. Maybe there could be more conflicts in the middle.
  
  I’d try and make the script more of a comedy and maybe find a better conflict for the end. read
• 
  Tough to get through
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by ssiegel on 12/07/2008
  Let me start out by saying that you have a fairly interesting premise here (i.e. carneys - who doesent like carneys!) - but I think you could explore a number of different ideas with the same concept ... The reason why I say it was a bit hard to get through is beacuse as interesting as the idea is, I feel like you waisted an opportunity to take the genre in a new direction... Let me start out by saying that you have a fairly interesting premise here (i.e. carneys - who doesent like carneys!) - but I think you could explore a number of different ideas with the same concept ... The reason why I say it was a bit hard to get through is beacuse as interesting as the idea is, I feel like you waisted an opportunity to take the genre in a new direction ... most of the descriptions of the characters and their surroundings seemed VERY cliche and the dialouge was all mixed up. - I unnderstand they are carnies but the way they speak to each other seems a bit forced - almost too obvious that they are carnies .....
  
  The relationship between Lucas and Misty deems forced as well.... what is her reason to start liking Lucas?? And then to pretty much fall in love with him quickly ??? I need a better reason and motivation for her character to fall for Lucas ...
  
  With regard to formatting - it's pretty good throughout the whole script with only a few minor glitches ... the most obvious one was on page 76 when you have Billys montage with dottie and then his V.O. ... you should break up the montage and dialouge and intercut them together so it makes more sense to the reader and is easier to follow ...
  
  Keep writing! - Scott read
• 
  The carnival ride has stopped
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/06/2008
  This screenplay was hard to get. I was 40 pages into and couldnt tell you what it was about. By page 10 you should be able to tell who it's about, where it takes place and what the story is about. As a professional reader would say "If you dont have that info in by page 10, you toss the script aside" It's listed as a comedy, but I didn't even smile once while reading this... This screenplay was hard to get. I was 40 pages into and couldnt tell you what it was about. By page 10 you should be able to tell who it's about, where it takes place and what the story is about. As a professional reader would say "If you dont have that info in by page 10, you toss the script aside" It's listed as a comedy, but I didn't even smile once while reading this.
  The dialogue was fine, but some of the abbreviated words looked incorrect, which slowed down the pacing. As well as the phonetic spellings.
  The roles of the undercover cops just got plain annoying after a while. And the fact that everyone was ugly would make this a hard sell in any market. Maybe reading "Water for Elephants" would give you a few more ideas to make this script better. I just wasnt feeling it at all, sorry. read
• 
  Comedy...maybe, maybe not.
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by Rosencrantz&Guildenstern on 12/06/2008
  First, I'd like to say that this screenplay reads very well. Action was written very well. You have some colorful characters. The dialogue works well. Comedy tends to be very subjective. Personally, this comedy wasn't my taste. I never really found myself laughing at any particular point. However, I'm sure you'll find someone who will appreciate the script and will want to... First, I'd like to say that this screenplay reads very well. Action was written very well. You have some colorful characters. The dialogue works well. Comedy tends to be very subjective. Personally, this comedy wasn't my taste. I never really found myself laughing at any particular point. However, I'm sure you'll find someone who will appreciate the script and will want to produce it. This feels very indie to me. I'm guessing the script is trying to appeal to the rural demographic. I don't feel this would play well in larger cities.
  
  I enjoyed the scene where Lucas tries to guess Misty's weight. Cute moment.
  
  The scene where O. Bradley has the exchange with Ephraim (in the bunny costume) was funny.
  
  I would have liked to see more scenes where Billy takes Lucas under his wing. Maybe teaches him about what being a carnie is all about. This way, when Billy runs off it'll resonate more. I believe there's an opportunity being missed here.
  
  As I was reading, I felt the story unraveling in the second half. It kinda felt like things were happening, but they weren't necessarily pertinent to the story. Not sure. It just seems to get bogged down whenever the police officers appear.
  
  Minor typos: Page 8 - When the officers are introduced, one of them is "Office" instead of Officer. Page 17 - "Lound" and fucking clear. Page 65 - He doesn't even "attempting". Page 89 - "Papier" Mache. Page 93 - "Deamons", also "Geting" a small jolt. Page 95 - The Officer Bradley line "Give us a minute" looks like it was formatted wrong by mistake.
  
  I noticed you had used CUT TO's a few times. I'm guessing you may have received notes already mentioning CUT TO's have been retired.
  
  Overall, it was a unique script. In my opinion, I think it plays better as a dark drama than it does a comedy. Then again, this is just my opinion.
  
  I hope these notes help you in some way, shape or form. I wish you the best with this project.
  
  Take care!
  
  Guildenstern read
• 
  Carnies Review
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/07/2008
  Carnies is a rusty and hilarious script that offers a unique voice with fresh alive, dialogue and living, breathing characters. I don’t have much to say about this one in the way of constructive criticism, but I’ll register my own personal thoughts anyway. CONCEPT: Interesting and unique. I felt the concept was very good. I was excited to see what interesting situations... Carnies is a rusty and hilarious script that offers a unique voice with fresh alive, dialogue and living, breathing characters. I don’t have much to say about this one in the way of constructive criticism, but I’ll register my own personal thoughts anyway.
  
  CONCEPT: Interesting and unique. I felt the concept was very good. I was excited to see what interesting situations the characters would find themselves in the carnival.
  
  STORY: My one major qualm with the story is that I wanted to see a little more action. Whether the skinheads send out a recon squad and there’s a pretty big set piece around the midpoint. As it is, I felt there was an awful lot of talk about what was going to happen. I just wanted to see a little more of that heavy action earlier on.
  
  CHARACTER: I thought the characters were very well drawn. Breathing, alive. They seemed very real, with their own little ticks and quirks. Only a couple of their motivations seemed a little murky. I do wish we’d had a little more with the skinheads. But all in all - great job.
  
  DIALOGUE: The dialogue in this script was very well written. And I’m going to register a thought that I’ve had made against my own work. There’s a thin line the writer walks between how much flavor to add into the dialogue and how much interpretation he or she is going to allow the actor to have. I think this script (as some of mine) swings a little too much in that stylized dialogue. In other words, reading some of these lines were a little bit of a chore. And it wasn’t so much the context or the intent of the dialogue, but how it was written. Lots of words were contracted and it made it hard to determine if misspellings were intentional for stylistic pronunciation effect or if they were errors overlooked in the process. If this sort of thing bothers other readers I would suggest revisiting it, but if it’s just me it may be a personal preference thing.
  
  STRUCTURE: I go on my gut here and can say that I felt some of the scenes were a little too talky. These scenes to venture on past their dramatic ends. I’d suggest just looking at the scenes again and determining if any of them appear to be overwritten. I do feel that this script could be trimmed by a few pages by removing unnecessary dialogue/action. But still this was pretty good.
  
  OVERALL: I think this is a very good script. What I think is extremely important is that this writer has a distinctive voice. One of the most distinct I’ve read on this site. While I can’t say that Carnies is a movie that I would go to see in the theaters I can definitely say that it’s in the hand of an exceptionally able writer and that I think it would find an audience if cleaned up slightly. Good work.
  
  Please find notes I made while reading below:
  
  
  Pg. 9 – I think Lewis’ line “Fine” can be deleted.
  
  Pg. 17 – Lound (Loud)…
  
  Pg. 28 – skin-spliting (skin-splitting)
  
  Pg. 53 - …as much as (the) tiny trailer…
  
  Pg. 60 - …begins putting his shoes on. (and puts on his shoes.)
  
  Pg. 61 - …begin walking. (The two walk.)
  
  Pg. 61 – intstinct’ll (instinct’ll)
  
  Pg. 65 - …doesn’t even attempting (attempt)
  
  Pg. 70 – extra space in first line of dialogue.
  
  Pg. 72 – He weaves, head down, through…
  
  CUT TO:s aren’t necessary
  
  Consider formatting the montages during the voice overs that they go with. It breaks up the dialogue and makes the page look a little cleaner. Also it reins in some of the confusion on what lines of dialogue go with which images.
  
  Pg. 86 –lighting(lightning-bolt-wielding)
  
  Pg. 86 – The (They) grunt…
  
  Pg. 80 – begins climbing (climbs)
  
  I love the fun house scene.
  
  Pg. 91 – recognizing (recognizes)
  
  Pg. 92 – Frency (Frenchy?)
  
  Pg. 93 – exercise one of his deamons (exorcise one of his demons)
  
  Pg. 95 – two dead men (I) owe it to.
  
  Pg. 95 – Eugene’s line is formatted differently from other dialogue on the page.
  read
• 
  Not a Dry Taint in the House
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by postmortem on 09/03/2008
  Damn, when you do a new draft, you really do a new draft. You made some significant changes to Carny (hey, where the fuck is Geronimo?), and the result is a very strong script. The dialogue is pants-shittingly funny. And there's even MORE great stuff in this draft, Josh. I do like the 180 you did with Eugene, it works much better this way. (Maybe give him one or two little... Damn, when you do a new draft, you really do a new draft. You made some significant changes to Carny (hey, where the fuck is Geronimo?), and the result is a very strong script.
  
  The dialogue is pants-shittingly funny. And there's even MORE great stuff in this draft, Josh.
  
  I do like the 180 you did with Eugene, it works much better this way. (Maybe give him one or two little asides where he screws the Carnies out of something minor just to keep him from being TOO earnest.)
  
  I love the new opening scene, though I'd still like to know that Toby's mullet was not only feathered, but ELEGANTLY feathered. You take a sappy, cliched daddy/son bedtime scene and flip it into something very, very funny. My only comment here is that it might work well as a bookend, with Lucas as a grown man and father at the end. Just an idea you've probably already considered, so take it or leave it.
  
  Now, don't shoot me, but I'm going to give you some page notes. Not something I normally do, but this script is already kidney-stone solid.
  
  A small formatting note on p. 3, I think the page might read better to break up the eulogy with the action rather than the action-then-dialogue way you've formatted it here.
  
  p. 3 Not necessary to announce the minister is giving a non sequitur (no hyphen) eulogy, just let him give it. You do this again on p. 75 and p. 85.
  
  The Bradley-Lewis exchange on p. 9 reads a little stiff.
  
  p. 12 mirky/murky (I know this is another acceptable spelling, but it reads like a typo to me.)
  
  p. 13-17 conversation between Jeremiah and Eugene feels too long and sometimes on-the-nose. I'd trim it some.
  
  p. 18 Billy's foreshadowing about the lightning is telegraphing the ending. Try something a little more subtle, this one is too obvious. I felt the same way about Ephriam's comment about "thy lightning-bolt-wielding name."
  
  Truthfully, I miss the gag about Geronimo constantly saying, may I be struck by down by lightning, and think the payoff would be better than these obvious setups if you gave Lucas that foreshadowing dialogue instead.
  
  p. 19 I totally LOVE the joke when Eugene announces the cops are fishing by inquiring about where to score a white baby. I think it would play funnier to not return to the joke on page 43, but come up with a different, but equally absurd gag instead. Maybe you could tie it in with the Christopher Keith character, which would also help his presence feel like a joke payoff and not just a random inclusion.
  
  p. 21 I know the skinhead comments about Jews are parody, and I realize you're making a mockery of anti-Semitism, but this is still one of the touchiest subjects there is, and unless you're Mel Brooks, it's tough to make this humor fly.
  
  p. 23 Jeremiah/Willie dialogue reads a little stiff and on-the-nose.
  
  p. 25 "Humming floodlights piss yellow circles" (I do miss this on page one as a tone-setter for the reader, but what are you gonna do?)
  
  Misty comes off a little shallow as a character, she's so quick to hook up with Lucas. It might be there, but I missed the "spark" moment that justified it. Maybe incorporating her into a scene or two without Lucas would help flesh her out, too.
  
  p. 35 I really LOVE Ephriam's song for the weight-guess formula.
  
  p. 55 pours/pores
  
  p. 62 Sesame Street homosexuals is still a favorite of mine
  
  p. 63 and "wakin up from nightmares with sweat-soaked taints" is a new favorite
  
  p. 79 Still love the set up that Toby is about to ask Lucas something really important, but asks, "Your mama been fucking around on me?" Brilliant.
  
  p. 80 bunson/bunsen
  
  p. 89, 93 Damn, this is pretty graphic.
  
  p. 90-92 Don't need all the CUT TO designations. Definitely lose these and probably the CONTINUOUS slugs too.
  
  p. 92 Frency/frenchy
  
  p. 92 Set up the storm earlier, even if just a few pages.
  
  p. 93 deamons/demons
  
  p. 95, 100 meagre/meager
  
  I miss the death by Whirl.
  
  p. 98 Hippy/Hippie (hippy to me is an adjective describing a wide woman built for birthin'.)
  
  p. 100 runns/runs
  
  p. 100 This is a very sweet ending that manages to keep the tone of the rest of the script, but I think it falls just a little bit flat. Maybe consider the bookend I mentioned, but even if you don't change it, it's actually kind of emotional. Don't be surprised to see mascara running at Sundance.
  
  Damn, I really miss Toby's line about whether or not Lucas has his old man's "knack for stretchin' out the poon." I'd love to hear it in those bookends if you decide to use them.
  
  My one major wish for Carnies is still that this would be a Carny/Zombo battle rather than a Carny/Skinhead battle. I suspect this might be past the point of no return, but I just have to say it anyway.
  
  So I hope some of these tweak suggestions will be useful, but hell, it's a movie already, Josh.
  
  Let this mutherfucker ride. read
• 
  Carnies
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by HarryBall on 09/02/2008
  First off, I think you have real talent as a writer. Your descriptions were very good and I enjoyed your southern fried dialogue. The problem comes with your characters and story. To be perfectly blunt, your characters are too crude and vulgar for this reader. I'd like to say I'm not a prude. In fact, I have one particularly crude character in my screenplays but I think... First off, I think you have real talent as a writer. Your descriptions were very good and I enjoyed your southern fried dialogue. The problem comes with your characters and story.
  
  To be perfectly blunt, your characters are too crude and vulgar for this reader. I'd like to say I'm not a prude. In fact, I have one particularly crude character in my screenplays but I think you've gone way overboard here. Toby and Billy Badlands are too coarse and abrasive. I had no sympathy for them. They don't seem much better than the skinheads they fight at the end. I see Lucas is young and naive but we also get offensive dialogue from him and just about all of the characters. On the other hand, Superbad had a lot of success and I thought it was too crude as well. Who knows?
  
  This brings me to my second point, story. There's not a lot of it. You're building up to the big confrontation with the skinheads and it just seems like there's not a lot going on from the beginning till then except for the above mentioned talk. The Wilcox carnies think they are going to fight the Zombos but instead they fight a bunch of skinheads. I thought it might work better if you replaced the skinheads with the Zombos. You could build your story around this blood fued going back decades. Maybe Lucas tries to find the origin of the fued and bring peace. The Zombos try to turn him against the Wilcox. Then Lucas finds out the truth and returns to stand with the Wilcox against the Zombos. Then they have the big battle at the end. read
• 
  You is funny!
  A review of Carnies (revised)
  by Stan Melton on 09/01/2008
  Wow, this was a blast to read. Really great dialogue - I just wrote something with some upstate New York hillbillies - Redneck chatter's fun, ain't it? Also, your descriptions were terrific. I just found some minor typos and so on. P. 3? - Funny joke about Trixie. P. 4. - Maybe a bit more description of Lucas. Does he have any significant features? More hilarious stuff -... Wow, this was a blast to read. Really great dialogue - I just wrote something with some upstate New York hillbillies - Redneck chatter's fun, ain't it? Also, your descriptions were terrific. I just found some minor typos and so on.
  
  P. 3? - Funny joke about Trixie.
  P. 4. - Maybe a bit more description of Lucas. Does he have any significant features?
  
  More hilarious stuff - Billy's hook -'Dottie widens her good eye.' I liked the bit where he yells after Dottie as she left.
  
  P. 12 - Isn't it spelled "murky"?
  
  P. 18 - Billy's line about lightning was great.
  
  P. 27 - Words like "ppreciators" "bout" etc. need apostrophes. Also, use more commas to break up sentences, "You coming, Joe?"
  
  P. 37 - Prom King personified? If he's already a person, it's redundant, son. Could just say 'The ultimate prom king',
  Mr. Prom King, Prom King-type.
  
  TYPO - Dottie's back, (comma).
  
  Asshole, one word.
  
  P. 53 - The Dekapitator is a riot.
  
  P. 55 - Should be "he PORES over them."
  
  P. 65 - Should be "he ISN'T even attempting to lure..."
  
  Clampett has 2 "T"s.
  
  69 - COUNTY FAIR - You spelled "Billy,"
  "Billie."
  
  I'm not politically correct in the least, however, I'd watch it on words like "Retard" and "Faggot." You're clever as hell, come up with another term, "Mental midget" "Wimp-Ass". I don't know. Just a suggestion.
  
  P. 82 - Toby (to the sky) "I just got" SPACE. There were a few other areas
  with spaces.
  
  P. 92 - Lucas' line "frency"? Don't know
  the meaning. Frenchy? Frenzy?
  
  P. 93 - You exercise to lose weight/ You "excorsize" demons. Also demons has no "a".
  
  P. 100 - "runns" down the steps should be "runs".
  
  You mentioned in your bio that two of your fav films were 'Gangs of New York' and 'Pulp Fiction.' I could definitely see the influence of those films.
  
  This is really creative. The characters are vivid. Maybe just a little more about Lucas' life-goals in the beginning. Is he only there because that's all he thinks he can do? Maybe all he ever wanted was to be a good father and have a good job, but he figures that such a life is for others. Then when he meets Misty, she instills confidence that he can do more. Anyway, really great job. Best of luck!
  read