+ more submissions by phillbarron

Reviews of Cause and Effect 18

• 
  Well written, but...
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/22/2006
  This story just didn't work for me. First off, the parts that I liked: Everything up until the Saturn reveal. The parts that I didn't like: Everything after. This is a technically very well written story. You know what you're doing. But that twist at the end of the second act just destroyed the story for me. Let me try to explain why... Now, I really, really like the idea... This story just didn't work for me. First off, the parts that I liked: Everything up until the Saturn reveal. The parts that I didn't like: Everything after.
  
  This is a technically very well written story. You know what you're doing. But that twist at the end of the second act just destroyed the story for me. Let me try to explain why...
  
  Now, I really, really like the idea of a secret organization that watches over the timeline and makes sure everything proceeds as it's supposed to. I also like the idea that their goal is to make sure that the human race advances to the point where they are advanced enough to escape the Earth before some unnamed cataclysm strikes. That's great stuff! I was totally sucked in to this story by this point. I couldn't wait for more information to be revealed.
  
  And then the mysterious crystal skulls. Cool! Where they from the distant past? The distant future? Were they human in origin? Or from an advanced alien race that is trying to advance human civilization so that they can join the larger galactic community. I had very high hopes for this story.
  
  And then there was the bit about the yacht and the mystery of who was trying to alter the timeline using the crystal skulls. It's pretty clear that these two things were tied together. And I then assumed that whatever was going on with that, would somehow tie in to the Big Picture. Basically, it would in some way relate to the overall goal of directing the progress of human civilization to avoid that unnamed future cataclysm. And, presumably, the behind the scene players who are responsible for the creation of the crystal skulls would be revealed, or at least hinted at.
  
  Anyway, none of this happened.
  
  *** SPOILER ALERT ***
  
  When Saturn was revealed to be Matt, the story just imploded for me. All that trouble just to save Liz on the yacht? What about the fate of the entire human race? That seemed to go by the wayside. Also, I just didn't get what was the big deal about changing the past anyway. They do it all the time. That was their job. So why was it so terribly wrong to prevent the yacht from blowing up? Sure, MAYBE Liz surviving would alter the course of future events. Maybe. But they don't know for sure. And the fact that they don't really makes Gladstone's actions at the end difficult to accept.
  
  But the real problem was that the story seemed to be cosmic in scale, but in the end it was revealed to be rather small. And all the truly fascinating parts were just abandoned and left unexplored. It just felt like a shaggy dog story. I just didn't care about Matt and Liz at all.
  
  If there was a TV series about this secret organization that protects the timeline, then the story of Matt and Liz would make a great episode. But you can't set up such a fantastical concept and then just focus on such a tiny drama, that ultimately has no real bearing on the greater story, that remains largely untold.
  
  I think you have some fantastic concepts here, that would make a terrific sci-fi adventure story. Your writing is professional, your characters well developed. I have no doubt you can write a great story using this lofty concepts. But in my humble opinion, this just isn't it. This story just needs to be so much biger than Matt and his love for Liz. That can be a part of it. But not the main part. That's just a garnish. Not the main course.
  
  Anyway, that's my opinion, for what it's worth. I hope it helps. And best of luck with your writing. You certainly have a talent for it. read
• 
  ENTERTAINING RIDE, CHARACTERS NEED WORK
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by blue439 on 02/24/2006
  Cause and Effect� is an entertaining time travel story with an amiable, not-too-serious tone to it that recalls “National Treasure.� Dialogue and visuals are well written. Time conundrum stories can be very confusing, but this script is for the most part easy to follow. Characters and size of concept are the biggest failings of this script. Although plot-driven like... Cause and Effect� is an entertaining time travel story with an amiable, not-too-serious tone to it that recalls “National Treasure.� Dialogue and visuals are well written. Time conundrum stories can be very confusing, but this script is for the most part easy to follow.
  
  Characters and size of concept are the biggest failings of this script. Although plot-driven like “National Treasure,� “National Treasure� had a protagonist with a history – his family had been treasure hunters for generations, there was a love interest, a humorous sidekick, personal and professional stakes for the protagonist. Although the “National Treasure� characters are minimally-sketched, the characters in this script are close to non-existent. Gladstone the protagonist is very thin – we don’t know anything about him personally except he’s independently wealthy.
  
  The biggest failing is the antagonist Matt/Saturn. The motivation for the character – saving Liz -- is just too small for the scale of the picture. It’s a let down and not terribly believable considering all the characters are put through. The stakes have to be much higher for the character and film. This is also a conceptual problem. The concept of the film is on the small side, yet this is a large scale, big budget production. The personal relationship between Matt and Liz is not really even established before she is killed off, so there’s not much impact for the audience. In this Brit time travel story the motivation for the team is to protect tradition (history). History is literally written. It might be interesting to make Matt an American and his motivation that history is NOT written. That’s basically what the Terminator movies say, although James Cameron’s Canadian. That’s already Matt’s point of view, but his ambition is small. His ambition should be larger – he should be a dangerous loose cannon, like George W with a time machine. He could save Liz, but that’s just the beginning. The power of the past should be used to control the future. “We can’t just let things happen!� he could say. He could be a religious fanatic, going back in time to remake the Middle East in the image of Christianity. So the Brits can save the world from the crazy trigger-happy American with the crystal skull.
  
  Or . . . you could make Matt a terrorist.
  
  The point is, Matt/Saturn’s ambitions need to be bigger (whatever they are) because this is a big budget movie and his character drives the plot.
  
  Mena is supposed to be a recruit for the unnamed organization, but it seems she already is a part of it – she knows karate, figures out how the skulls work, etc. Her learning curve is nonexistent. It seems too convenient and not believable that she’s so good so fast.
  
  It seems that Mena and Gladstone are leaning toward romance, but it’s not made explicit in the script. She really should be Gladstone’s love interest so the ending with the two of them can have some poignancy. Gladstone could be playing suitor to her while they fight the baddies, saying annoying (to her) things like: “I know you would say that.�
  
  The organization needs explaining. It’s not clear whether it’s governmental, private, run by Gladstone, etc. The expositional opportunity exists in the scene where Mena is introduced to the whole crew, each of which could explain one aspect of the organization to the newcomer. The whole time travel bit also needs more exposition – is it scientific or voodoo? Gladstone says he can feel the stasis room is down. Does he have supernatural powers? There’s high tech equipment which leads me to believe the time travel has some scientific basis, but the skulls and the stasis room seem supernatural.
  
  The sequence in the British Museum is quite long – 13-14 pages and almost seems from another action movie with too-numerous anonymous baddies for Gladstone and crew to fight. read
• 
  A Great Read
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by Dana George on 01/17/2006
  Cause and Effect takes you on a whirlwind of a ride through the past, present, and future. Kind of a Back to the Future for today. You've constructed quite a solid script that actually makes the reader think. Thank you! And your new title is much, much better. I'm glad you changed it. I may not have been as inclined to read it. There are only a couple things that I need to... Cause and Effect takes you on a whirlwind of a ride through the past, present, and future. Kind of a Back to the Future for today. You've constructed quite a solid script that actually makes the reader think. Thank you! And your new title is much, much better. I'm glad you changed it. I may not have been as inclined to read it.
  
  There are only a couple things that I need to mention to you and I'm sure these are notes you've already received so I apologize for the redundancy. It appears you've switched out Mena's name for Isla's in the action at the bottom of page twenty-six, as well as in the dialogue at the bottom of page sixty-nine.
  
  The only other thing that I feel obligated to comment on was the amount of time spent in the museum. It just felt a little long in the tooth. Of course, this is most likely personal taste and far more subjective than I like to be but I had a difficult time reading it and my mind tended to wander. I ended up having to go back and read portions of this section again.
  
  Not much else to comment on. Thank you again for an enjoyable read. read
• 
  A good start
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by Rynn on 01/13/2006
  Interesting story for sure. I liked it overall, and I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi joint. The circle of time theory is shown nicely without giving too much away, especially since a lot of mysterious things happen before the time venture. The stakes are high and the suspense is full making the story solid. Which brings us to the problems. First of all the characters. The... Interesting story for sure. I liked it overall, and I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi joint. The circle of time theory is shown nicely without giving too much away, especially since a lot of mysterious things happen before the time venture. The stakes are high and the suspense is full making the story solid. Which brings us to the problems. First of all the characters. The males are to gamer generation cool. Gladstone's seems to KNOW things like he's got a psychic gift, and it would be cool if he did, but it don't say that so it's weird. Matt is Mr. Every actions joint Kun fu. Which reminds me that you could save a load of pages by not writing in unnecessary fight choreography. I do it myself and get ragged for it. But unless you are directing it, it doesn't need to be there unless a fight move means something. I didn't see that. And it could use a bit less fighting and shooting as well. Mena because, besides her nationality, she's cleche. And so it the whole initiation process. Too matrix like with the choices and conversation. Couldn't they just effect her future so she just decides to be down on her own. Sorry to attack, It's got awesome potential. Just some tweaks are needed. And you might wanna check those few spots where you have the character name Isla saying what Mena should be saying. read
• 
  One Too Many Angles
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by jekmbrgh on 01/13/2006
  This thought-provoking and well-structucred script suffers from one general flaw: tackling more than one aspect of the possibilities of time travel and chaos theory. The author drew from too many angles to create the story, specifically alternate (or parallel timelines) and paradox. A personal fan of the scientific debate surrounding and the fictional portrayals of time travel,... This thought-provoking and well-structucred script suffers from one general flaw: tackling more than one aspect of the possibilities of time travel and chaos theory. The author drew from too many angles to create the story, specifically alternate (or parallel timelines) and paradox. A personal fan of the scientific debate surrounding and the fictional portrayals of time travel, both of these things intrigue but the story doesn't seem to be able to hold both. Everything comes together and makes sense but the audience has to deal with too mayn elements to understand what's really going on about the story.
  While I found the idea of the Crystal Skulls themselves intriguing, the story seemed to root in reality to allow for such a fantastical element to be motivating the story. Of course, if the skulls have a more scientific or puesdo-scientific explanation to their power that deflates the mystical quality. But otherwise the story spits them out.
  The action sequences are well-cheorographed and viscerally exciting. The script demonstrates a detailed knowledge of body movement and combat. The research into historical places and time periods lends credibility to the story although the shift from alternate timeline to paradox causes the sequences to lose some of their impact. The characterization flet believable although the relationships might benefit from more depth. The dialogue fits, but I personally wanted more of that dry humor. The British are the best at the dry and what occurs in the script was beautiful. The script won't suffer from more of that.
  The story might also benefit from more depth to the origin of the 'secret agency'. While it's understandable to keep a mystery surrounding them, to just have them state their purpose without understanding something of where they come from or how they amassed this power makes thm feel falt comparative to the difficult and heroic changes. Why did they accept this 'burden'? Were they aware of the consequences? These kinds of questions need to be answered and can heighten the drama of the dilemas the characters face. However, the very idea of architects controlling the destiny of history through chaos theory holds a great deal of promise. In place of one of the time travel elements, maybe this part of the story could be bolstered.
  One note on format: it may not be necessary to separate every line of action with a paragraph break. Judging from the arrangement, the author seems to want to dictate the cuts and pacing. No objections against that, but makes for a clumsy-reading script.
  Overall, great progress and definitely worth a read. Depending on the approach of the production, could make a great action film or a really suspenseful thriller. read
• 
  Review of THE CRYSTAL SKULLS
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/22/2005
  There are a number of things I really liked about this screenplay. It's well-written, fast-paced and quite visual. There was nothing about the presentation that got in the way of me becoming immersed in the story. I truly enjoyed reading it. That being said, as a movie, I think this script presents a couple (related) major problems. First, on p85, Saturn says, "It's not... There are a number of things I really liked about this screenplay. It's well-written, fast-paced and quite visual. There was nothing about the presentation that got in the way of me becoming immersed in the story. I truly enjoyed reading it.
  
  That being said, as a movie, I think this script presents a couple (related) major problems.
  
  First, on p85, Saturn says, "It's not a game." Unfortunately, that's exactly what it feels like. In THE CRYSTAL SKULLS, Gladstone, Matt, Isla and Mena run around the world (and through time) figuring out clues to the "mystery" while being chased by bad guys. This especially felt true when Gladstone and company are in the British museum (p76+) and are chased by color coded bad guys. And in my notes for page 27, I wrote the following about Mena's explanation of the London Stone: Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
  
  Second, the central story is actually kind of small. All that happens revolves around setting the fate of only a few people. The larger things to contemplate- the implications of watchers who make fate happen, the implications of time travel, the purpose of the crystal skulls, the origin of all of this conceptual superstructure- all seem to be there just to make the logic of the events what happens to these few people work. In the end it's somewhat unsatisfying. I got a good sense of WHAT the crystal skulls were, but not WHY they exist.
  
  There really isn't any substantive explanation to the WHY any of the elements of the conceptual superstructure of the reality exist. Why is there an organization that ensures that what is fated happens? (On a slight tangent, it seems like an awfully small organization to handle the task.) How did it begin? Where do the crystal skulls come from? What is their history? Why were they made? No one in the story really seems to be interested in these questions.
  
  Considering the budget, I think that in order to have a realistic chance of generating interest from a producer, this will need to be a bigger story that revolves around the mystery of the crystal skulls themselves. Or, perhaps a better way of putting it is the crystal skulls will need to be the end of the mystery and not merely tools used to get there. If that makes any sense.
  
  -Matt read
• 
  Missed Opportunity
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by Ron Aberdeen on 12/21/2005
  This is generally a well written script but it has some minor flaws such as gravestones at a funeral. They are always erected afterwards. Much of this is annoyingly in prose, not correct for a script. Show don't tell. I found the dialogue matched the pace but in a few places a little contrived and often expository. The concept works, it has good pace and timing. Your characters... This is generally a well written script but it has some minor flaws such as gravestones at a funeral. They are always erected afterwards.
  
  Much of this is annoyingly in prose, not correct for a script. Show don't tell.
  
  I found the dialogue matched the pace but in a few places a little contrived and often expository.
  
  The concept works, it has good pace and timing. Your characters are well defined and develop through the script.
  
  But I think you've missed a great opportunity to bring the real legend of the Crystal Skulls to life. Their history dating from before the Aztec's to the fakes sold in markets in Mexico City.
  
  But all in all a good tale told well. Thanks for an interesting script. read
• 
  An intervention by any other name...
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by mpet on 12/14/2005
  There's a point in a time travel story where the story's internal logic must simply be surrendered to. My head reels with the nagging questions. If he was.... and he.... then how could he.... when he was.... You get the point I'm sure. Its at this point that I have to tell myself to breath. Stop trying to document the journey and just enjoy it. And so I did. I did have... There's a point in a time travel story where the story's internal logic must simply be surrendered to. My head reels with the nagging questions. If he was.... and he.... then how could he.... when he was.... You get the point I'm sure. Its at this point that I have to tell myself to breath. Stop trying to document the journey and just enjoy it. And so I did.
  
  I did have a hard time getting into the story at first. The writing is excellent. Its presentation very proffessional. It just seemed to take a long time to get things going and the focus shifted a few times in the first act. I'd had this in my assignments for a few days and had totally forgotten the synopsis when I sat down to read it.
  
  My first impressions were that Gladstone and Matt were about to set out to solve the mystery after Gladstone's family (including his sister, Matt's fiancee ) were killed. I actually noted that you might want to let us spend more time getting to know the parents and sister if their death were to be the focus. Then you've got the other stuff. The weird stuff that really gets your attention and would really play well on the screen.
  
  And by page 15 everything is falling into place and the situation becomes clear to the viewer. The focus now totally shifted away from the family tragedy (nothing wrong with that- it had just seemed like a major direction and shifting kind of threw me off) and from here on out really starts to take off as Mena gets the crash course in her new job.
  
  I thoroughly enjoyed act 2. Particularly the scenes in 79AD. I swear to God, I spent the better part of yesterday researching Pompeii and Herculaneum for a screenplay idea. I kept thinking about how stunning of a backdrop that event would make. I was right. I sat down today to read this screenplay and was pleasantly surprised to see this section. The scenes you wrote incorporating that bit of history into your screenplay were visually stimulating. I could really see that playing so well on the big screen and being one of those trailer moments that you just love to see!!
  
  If there is one area that the screenplay could use some improvement it might be character development. I noted that 20 pages in, I didn't really have a feel for Gladstone. I knew his family, his friends, his job, but nothing really from his perspective. None of the characters really jumped off the page. In all they could probably be more dramatic. More dramatic to match the incredible visual scope of the project.
  
  Not really sure about the Mena's father subplot. Maybe if his role were more significant. If there were something ironic about who he was given the situation Mena is in. In these cases the internal or external problems should mirror the situation. If not mirror then one should provide the answer to the problem posed in the other. Something to overcome or learn from that transcends. Does all that make sense?
  
  Here's a big maybe for ya-
  Maybe Mena is at odds with her parents because she is aimless. No job, no focus, no view of the bigger picture, etc. She finds that with her new job with Gladstone but can't share it with her parents. Can't tell them she's sorry and they were right.
  
  Having a job seemed almost to be a theme and it could potentially do a lot to bring the story into a tighter focus. Having a career- something you enjoy, look forward to, yearn for, dream about. As opposed to something you have to do. You could touch on this in the conversations with Liz and mom and dad. Liz doesn't want to settle. She wants what Gladstone has. What Matt has.
  
  Maybe Gladstone makes a comment about the sacrifices you have to be prepared to make to have that in your life. A little foreshadowing of the choices he'll have to make. Top it off with Mena having a similiar conflict with her family and you've got a reinforced theme. Took some liberty with the story there. Sorry for all that!
  
  One or two small points before I tie this all up.
  Page 21- Gladstone "... It starts here as papyrus scrolls and carries on thorough various media until we reach today." This is a bit redundant. We get this thoroughly layed out for us in the action.
  You might actually want to show the Bently. The way you just throw it in there, I thought I'd missed something and went over and over the begining to check for any mention of a Bently.
  P25/26 I'm sure you've been told that Isla appears in place of Mena.
  Hercluneum seems like such a vague reference, and you actually clear the air abou the whole thing 7 pages after its first mentioned. You might consider explaining it straight away. Why leave the audience with 7 minutes to wonder what the hell Herculneum is?
  
  Finally I'll say that the premise is incredibly interesting. Ironic given that its Gladstone's job to intervene in history. Here's the ideal opportunity to intervene and he doesn't take it. Instead he takes the higher road, but does he really. He created the situation to begin with, and could have actually righted a wrong that he brought about. Afterall it was he that caused the explosion in the first place. Oh yeah, I told myself I wouldn't get into this again. Breath, breath .....
  Overall- pretty damn good. Incredibly visual, a whirl wind ride! Its not that Gladstone isn't already likable, but make him more likable and this could be a real winner. Good luck with it. read
• 
  curious
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by election8 on 12/09/2005
  as i was reading your sp emmanuel kant came to mind. now since his theory that history was an ongoing evolutionary process, or what Gladstone referred to as the continuing circle, then why would it be necessary for anyone to have to change it? it seems to me that if history was one long continuum then we wouldn't know what was to come and then at that point it would be necessary... as i was reading your sp emmanuel kant came to mind. now since his theory that history was an ongoing evolutionary process, or what Gladstone referred to as the continuing circle, then why would it be necessary for anyone to have to change it? it seems to me that if history was one long continuum then we wouldn't know what was to come and then at that point it would be necessary for time-stoppers. but since its a circle we can all just relax, right? but hell its your screenplay so i went along for the ride. and i must say that once i suspended my reality this was one cool ride. albeit some of your descriptions could be chopped down some but overall really nice job. i especially liked the introduction to mena although i did keep racking my brain throughout saying, "now why did they need her again," bravo for not answering sooner. i also really enjoyed the periods of time you used especially herculean or whatever it was, i think it would play great on film. good job. i enjoyed it. read
• 
  Review
  A review of Cause and Effect
  by errin1970 on 12/01/2005
  I thought this was a fast-paced, exciting adventure. Nice story. Just found a few typos: Page 15: five-storey (five-story?) Page 16: . . . tell his wife about his amazing stroke [of] luck Page 19: Would a mobile work in a tunnel? Page 26: Gladstone and Isla follow (Gladstone and Mena?) Page 43: A small museum crammed full of recovered artefacts. (artifacts?) Page 53: Please... I thought this was a fast-paced, exciting adventure. Nice story. Just found a few typos:
  Page 15: five-storey (five-story?)
  Page 16: . . . tell his wife about his amazing stroke [of] luck
  Page 19: Would a mobile work in a tunnel?
  Page 26: Gladstone and Isla follow (Gladstone and Mena?)
  Page 43: A small museum crammed full of recovered artefacts. (artifacts?)
  Page 53: Please dont so this. (do instead of so?)
  Page 58: How would Mena know Gladstone was in jail?
  Page 60: Why wouldnt the shadowy figure shoot Gladstone and Mena also? If he has a gun why would he need to run away from them?
  Page 69: Matt flicks off his phone after talking with Ilsa, but the next dialogue show ILSA talking. Is this supposed to be Mena talking?
  Page 70: Ericson said Bravo team w[as] going to Shanghai tomorrow.
  Page 70: Ill go to go to China (?)
  Page 77: Why wouldnt Yellow and Green have silencers on their guns? Would they want others to hear their shots if they had to shoot someone?
  Page 81: A huge, three storey (story? Maybe this is British English v. American English … is so then disregard)
  Page 87: The CCTV? (closed circuit tv)
  Page 97: Would someone really be able to buy a car with a credit card?
  Page 97: How does Mena know where Matt and Gladstone went? read