Reviews of Chasing the Ox 2

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  Bee-ach!
  A review of Chasing the Ox
  by MarkZak26 on 11/26/2011
  Hey there, so this is a pretty dark script about sex, drugs, murder and guys that say "bee-ach" way too much. Some of my notes may sound harsh, but I'm trying to be as constructive as possible. Some of your character descriptions are unfilmable. Danny is hard working, you have to show that through actions and dialogue. Aden is loyal, again, show us that. You show you can... Hey there, so this is a pretty dark script about sex, drugs, murder and guys that say "bee-ach" way too much. Some of my notes may sound harsh, but I'm trying to be as constructive as possible.
  
  Some of your character descriptions are unfilmable. Danny is hard working, you have to show that through actions and dialogue. Aden is loyal, again, show us that.
  You show you can do this on page 3, with Aden speaking of his past with his ex wifes, so it just makes that opening description unnecessary.
  
  Same problem on page 4 when you introduce Toby. His very first line of dialogue actually shows very well that he is a stickler for rules, so the description is not needed. Instead, try describing his build. TOBY, 30, heavy set, deep stare... something like that.
  
  Again on page 17 with RINGO. He's Two J's brother, but you can't just mention that in his description. For anyone watching this movie, how would they know Ringo is his brother. They wouldn't, you would have to show this on screen. I know I'm being picky with character description, but it's the basic stuff you have to get right first.
  
  Page 19 - As Danny slams the
  door he cringes, knowing he’s made a mistake, but not yet
  realizing the magnitude.
  
  This is a basic example. This kind of writing is great for a novel, not so great for a screenplay. If you remove the fat, and by fat I mean all the unfilmable writing, you could easily cut a few pages and concentrate more on character development and story.
  
  Page 28 - This scene should be full of emotion and tension. Ginger has just found out her husband is cheating, not just cheating, he's having a baby with her, not just having a baby! He bought her an apartment! All Ginger has to say is that she's very upset and mad.
  
  Sometimes actions speak louder than words. But the biggest problem I have is that within a few pages the affair started, Danny bought her an apartment, she got pregnant and Ginger found out. It all happens so fast that on screen there would be no real impact of the situation.
  
  I really think bee-och should just be bitch. It makes me laugh everytime I read it, and I don't think that's the intention.
  
  page 35 Ginger's reaction to this whole situation is pretty unrealistic.
  
  page 41 Sophie screams at Danny? Again, you show this through dialogue so no need to put this here.
  
  Page 50 - Danny rushes in with the baby. She takes him. Who takes him? This is a new scene so you need to state who is there.
  
  My guess is that Kert killed Sophie.
  
  Page 52 - When you say "nothin", it has to be like this nothin' as there is a letter missing.
  
  Page 55 - Wouldn't the detective be a little more interested in Danny seeing as he owns Sophie's apartment?
  
  As of now, Danny still hasn't even asked Ginger if she did kill Sophie. He saw her leave the scene, you would think he would at least ask her if she did it...
  
  Page 67 - Has Ginger killed before? She's so calm about the whole thing...
  
  She seems more upset about covering up the murder.
  
  page 77 - The easy way out of this is to plant more evidence, right? Danny was smart enough to plant evidence before. After all, these guys are drug dealers, how hard could it be to get them banged up. Also they're not exactly elite mercanaries, why is Danny so scared?
  
  Page 88 - The problem here is you have Danny telling Ginger exactly what he's thinking. He has a feeling of dread and impending doom? Not only is it on the nose dialogue, if the ending does have some kind of shock to it, he's telling the audience to get ready for it. That is taking away any feeling of tension people watching this would have.
  
  In the investigation after the shoot out, there would be a ton of questions, like "Why were they using clean guns instead of their own firearms?"
  
  page 91 - After all that nobody found the nanny cam? Only now, Danny finds it. if you want to make that more believable, he should have taken the memory card when he first found her body.
  
  If Danny used his brain, he could have looked at the nanny cam in the first place and none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have framed the gang banger, and in turn they wouldn't have tried to kill him... It's a massive plot hole that needs addressing in the next draft. My advice is to just get rid of the nanny cam.
  
  And now Danny becomes a drug user and ends up in front of a truck?
  
  So your protag is not very likeable, he's a guy who screws behind his wife's back (he even made the first move) then he kills anyone who does wrong by him. I think the final murder of Kert is really not needed. Yea, sure, something has to happen, but for Danny (a cop!) and your main character to just kill everyone, just seems off to me... All the build up of him and Ginger finally starting a family now, just for him to step in front of a speeding truck is really disapointing.
  
  Hope this helps, good luck.
  
  Mark
  
  
  
  read
• 
  Why chase ox?
  A review of Chasing the Ox
  by Hankster266 on 08/24/2011
  I thought your story is basically a good one. It reads very quickly, and that's good. There are enough characters to maintain interest without confusion between characters. I really enjoyed reading this script, until the flaw appeared; not a deadly flaw but there nun the less. It's the flaw of motivation. Danny and Aden are cops, to protect and serve, good enough. Aden... I thought your story is basically a good one. It reads very quickly, and that's good. There are enough characters to maintain interest without confusion between characters.
  I really enjoyed reading this script, until the flaw appeared; not a deadly flaw but there nun the less. It's the flaw of motivation. Danny and Aden are cops, to protect and serve, good enough. Aden has had three marriages, so as he says "he can't go the distance".
  Danny is a devoted husband. He would be a devoted family man but Ginger has fertility problems. Again this is good in that it strengthens his attachment to Ginger.
  Even if he is attracted to Sophie, from the description who wouldn't be, why start an affair with her? Getting her away from Two J was a noble act. Setting her up with her own apartment would be a stretch of normal behavior. But then why the affair?
  Covering for Ginger, when he thought she had killed Sophie was reasonable. But his motivation was a little suspect after Two J is killed. This whole series of anti-crime is very reminiscent of "Burn Notice" and I love "Burn Notice". Tailing the crooks, gun fire and explosion, this was a nice touch.
  My final problem of motivation was why he took the Oxy blues. He wasn't a drug user and had seen enough people who's lives had been destroyed by drugs. His seeing Sophie "the happiest he'd ever seen her" as she was so doped up is hardly motivation to take the pills.
  Other then the problems of motivation, I did like the script and think you did well with it.
  Best read