Reviews of Claire's Desire 23

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  great
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by newcitypictures99 on 01/02/2009
  Claire’s Desire is a great screenplay. I see it as a very dark comedy. Some points of it made me laugh others made me want to cry. The main character is guide by hey sister and mother. The mother in the story sadly remind me of my own mother. The pain that she as gone throw and that she just didn’t care anymore. It’s very hard to read something that hits so close to home,... Claire’s Desire is a great screenplay. I see it as a very dark comedy. Some points of it made me laugh others made me want to cry. The main character is guide by hey sister and mother. The mother in the story sadly remind me of my own mother. The pain that she as gone throw and that she just didn’t care anymore. It’s very hard to read something that hits so close to home, but I did. It was a very well mixture of comedy and drama. Normally the two cross and its very uneasy, but this screenplay mixed them well. The screenplay starts with death and ends with it too. The beginning made death a happy thing the mother throwing a party after, but in the end the mother brakes down and cry’s making a brake throw I feel. And I love the relationship with the sisters kid and everyone making some very sweet and touching moments throw out the screenplay. And in the end the main character learns that life isn’t always easy. In the end I love this screenplay the writer made some mess ups in spelling, but I loved it any way. read
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  What IS Claire's Desire?
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by mattg76 on 12/22/2008
  Just finished your screenplay and it's okay, but in saying that, I DID have some serious issues with some plot points and the actual pacing of your scenes. I'll start with character and plot... sorry to say, but there IS NO plot. It's just a bunch of boring, sad characters sitting on lounges talking, or eating at restaurants, talking. Nothing happens. I don't want to see... Just finished your screenplay and it's okay, but in saying that, I DID have some serious issues with some plot points and the actual pacing of your scenes.
  
  I'll start with character and plot... sorry to say, but there IS NO plot. It's just a bunch of boring, sad characters sitting on lounges talking, or eating at restaurants, talking. Nothing happens. I don't want to see that on screen. And, frankly they've got nothing to talk about.
  
  That brings me to Claire: she's boring. The story, I assume, is supposed to be focused on her, but she doesn't do anything but whinge. I don't get it: she whines about how crap her life is, but there's no evidence of it. In fact, her life seems just fine: she has a boyfriend, leaves her crappy job for a better one, her credit card works. There are NO visible problems in her life, but she whinges about wanting more. By the time she is putting a gun to her head, I despised her. (her jump to suicidal tendencies is unconvincing)
  
  Then there is the dialogue. Everyone sounds the same. The mother mentions how different Claire is to everyone else, but Claire is exactly the same as everyone else: a complainer. Just because Claire has moved out of home doesn't make her 'different' and rebellious. At times, I felt that Claire was little more than a whiney child. Travis even scolds her and how does she react? She looks down at her hands like a timid, naughty child.
  
  Everyone speaks the same existential, philosophical rubbish, no matter where they are. And, OH MY GOD, when I got to the shooting scene at the end and Eleanor, talking to a murderous/suicidal gunman, is shouted at by the shopowner: ("Just let him shoot himself, lady!") she replies with: "No, all life is important!" I swear, I would've shot her myself for that terrible dialogue!
  
  The scenes need trimming. Too many people saying hello and goodbye to each other. It's not necessary and some of these scenes would be better without them.
  
  It just needs CONFLICT. Everyone is too nice to each other. Real conflict, not the little disagreements they have. Why does Claire suddenly turn on Travis so much? What's the motivation?
  
  Claire is NOT a protagonist. A protagonist WANTS something - and does everything they can to achieve it. Claire is a passive character and has everything handed to her on a platter: family, friends, a job, a boyfriend. She SAYS she is after something... but we never find out what. Everyone spends so much time trudging through psycho-babble about life and tragedy that we never push the story along.
  
  Anyway, congratulations on your completed script, you've already got further than me.
  
  mg read
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  CLAIRE'S DEFLATION
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by Chanel Ashley on 12/09/2008
  I've read your bio - considering that level of experience, I'm surprised at the level of flaws you present here - starting with no FADE IN. From the outset, you labour the reader - from too much description and superfluous dialogue - I have no aversion to a dialogue driven script, but, did it dawn on you that perhaps one of your roles is to make it entertaining? Why not break-up... I've read your bio - considering that level of experience, I'm surprised at the level of flaws you present here - starting with no FADE IN.
  
  From the outset, you labour the reader - from too much description and superfluous dialogue - I have no aversion to a dialogue driven script, but, did it dawn on you that perhaps one of your roles is to make it entertaining?
  
  Why not break-up some of your sentences into more paragraphs - the excessive writing convolutes the pages, which should be clear and crisp with plenty of white paper, of which, yours isn't - my guess is that this stems from the fact there are two writers, both fighting to maintain their material - a dangerous cocktail.
  
  You need to dilute, dilute and dilute some more - the reems of unrelenting page after page of dialogue over-taxes the story - this is a difficult process, because we all become attached to our words, but if you consider yourself a professional, then learn to become expedient when required.
  
  I found the reading cumbersome, nor did I find your characters/story engaging - this detracted and distracted my concentration when trying to relate to your story.
  
  A review is to give you feedback - my advice? - one of you should take charge and carve-out all the excesses presented here - the story has merit, it can be salvaged, but dilute and present the reader with an easy/entertaining read.
  
  p1 - the minister commencing the film with 19 lines of tedious lines is a poor start - your dialogue tells too much, shows very little - way too much REAL dialogue, completely devoid of REEL dialogue.
  
  I'm not advocating you change the story, simply the execution and make this reader friendly.
  
  In Claire's last line, shouldn't it read "isn't it, Travis" - no FADE OUT and THE EN is missing a D. read
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  Claire's Desire
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by hughbrune on 12/05/2008
  There's a lot to enjoy in this family drama, although no real hook to make it stand out from the crowd. It's not a script that will sell from the logline (for better or worse). The early scenes with Claire and Travis are lightly done and I found myself rooting for the pair of them. And some of the minor characters are vividly drawn - especially Great Aunt Arlene (the set up...
  There's a lot to enjoy in this family drama, although no real hook to make it stand out from the crowd. It's not a script that will sell from the logline (for better or worse). The early scenes with Claire and Travis are lightly done and I found myself rooting for the pair of them. And some of the minor characters are vividly drawn - especially Great Aunt Arlene (the set up & payoff with the crossword clue is very cool). I liked spending time with this family, generally understood both sides of their various conflicts and wanted things to work out well for them.
  
  Which is why, I think, I felt rather let down by the final third of the story. The light touch of the first 70 pages disappears kind of abruptly when Claire starts dabbling with suicide and then Eleanor is shot. The lurch of tone left me giddy here. (And, on a technicality, why on earth does the guy shoot Eleanor? He has no reason to at all, other than he's a bit mad. I know Eleanor is meant to be a passive character, but to have her suddenly wiped out by a force utterly beyond her control felt unsatisfacory.)
  
  So that was one problem I had with the story. More fundamentally though - since it's the title of the script - I don't think I ever really got what Claire's true desire is. Does she want to find a guy? Escape the clutches of her mother? Quit her job? Leave the whole of her humdrum life and go on the vacation she mutters about but which never seems to get anywhere? I guess it's a combination of all the above, but I think it might drive the story better if she firmly wants one of these things and sets out to get it, only to discover she really needs something slightly different. (i.e. She thinks she needs a boyfriend only to discover actually she needs to sort out her relationship with her mum. Or she tries to resist her family's demands and stay proudly single only to find herself falling for Travis.)
  
  There are quite a few examples of clumsy exposition which you might want to look at in a further draft. (e.g. "Three husbands in five years. What does that say about me?"; p.15 "Wendy, you're a lesbian"; p.27 "You would think after two years you would know that") Most of this backstory can hum away in the background. We don't need to know the details - we certainly don't need to have it spelled out in dialogue. Apart from this, I found the directions refreshingly clear and the dialogue easy to read.
  
  Some specific page notes:
  
  p.21 When Claire comes home does she need to tell Reese why she's so angry? We've seen what's happened on the date.
  
  p.47 I think Travis is too on-the-nose with his dislike of Reese. A guy wouldn't blurt this stuff out.
  
  p.62 Best bit of the script! Beverley leaping in to reject the marriage proposal on her daughter's behalf is the perfect, highly dramatic representation of their relationship. I know you should always be ready to kill all of your darlings all of the time...but I hope whatever happens in future drafts you find a way to keep this bit in (that's terrible advice by the way, but I love this scene...)
  
  p.72 Ralph takes it very well when Claire tells him "You make me sad" - this is a pretty brutal thing to say to someone!
  
  p.74 Reese has a gun? Seriously? Maybe it's me being pathetically British (only the cops and crooks have guns over here, and then only the hardcore ones), but seriously? Reese has a gun? Also you've broken the sacred Chekovian rule here of showing a gun and then not firing it. If it's meant to prepare us somehow for the Eleanour shooting I don't think it works.
  
  p.77 I think Claire and Travis's argument is too on the nose here. These may be their real issues, but they would probably manifest themselves in a fight about something quite trivial.
  
  That's about it. Hope some of it's useful. Good luck! read
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  Claire deserves more
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/03/2008
  Overall this was a head scratcher for me. Maybe I just didn’t get it (wouldn’t be the first time), but I didn’t get the feeling that what happens in the script caused Claire to change her life or look at life differently, and I personally think that’s critical in a teen-angst screenplay. Plus, I didn’t get a sense that the plotline was driving, step by step, towards a conclusion... Overall this was a head scratcher for me. Maybe I just didn’t get it (wouldn’t be the first time), but I didn’t get the feeling that what happens in the script caused Claire to change her life or look at life differently, and I personally think that’s critical in a teen-angst screenplay. Plus, I didn’t get a sense that the plotline was driving, step by step, towards a conclusion that would make me leave the theater with some knowledge of what she has gone through and with some hope for her future.
  
  Anyhow, the following are a number of areas I wanted to bring up, for what its worth. It is a review, after all, and the author is free to chalk me up as someone who missed the boat on the script’s intentions. I hope some of it is of some use…
  
  First: What is the writer trying to say in this script? What is it really about? I have a tough time figuring this out. I think it is an analysis of the angst of a young woman frustrated with herself, her family and her life. That’s a tough subject to make interesting in any script, and my feeling is that the writer let the screenplay get a bit too mopey and negative without enough redeeming brightness or significance. Claire hates herself, she is confused about relationships and boys, her sister has had three failed marriages, her mother sits around and complains, her roommate is a bit of a whack. Okay, these are elements of an idea, but they don’t make a movie in and of themselves.
  
  Second: What is the plot? This might be the biggest problem, I couldn’t figure out where the script was really going. No clear acts, no significant turning points, just Claire going through the motions and conflicting with everyone. Even at the end of the script, after the cliché death of her sister (not a big fan of movies springing that right at the end), Claire hasn’t really changed, and that is what most moviegoers want to see. Looking at this script, the one big movie that comes to mind is The Graduate. It is also about a young man adrift, but it has a very well defined plot, there is an affair, he falls in love with the daughter, and the angst he is feeling is developed throughout the story in subtle and oblique ways. Claire’s depression and her relationships with the other characters in this script seem to me to be shown in overly direct and obvious ways.
  
  Third: The Action paragraphs got in the way. Screenplays are not books, and action should be visual. Too much of the action paragraphs are written in a non-visual, more book-like and expository way. It contains much that is not filmable, such as stating the emotion of the characters or explaining things that have already happened, and that made it tough for me to visualize the scenes in a movie-like way. I want to provide a number of examples to really show what I mean (feel free to disagree here, everyone has their own style):
  
  Pg 9, Scene 7 “Some time later, the party…Reese is obviously trying her best to hit on Jeff.” That last sentence is commentary, the dialogue that follows is supposed to make it clear she is hitting on him. If the dialogue doesn’t make it clear, is she really hitting on him? Not filmable. By the way, the dialogue that follows, on page 10, has no feel of her hitting on him, its just “what do you do” talk.
  
  Pg 10. After the dialogue between Jeff and Reese, the first sentence of action says “Jeff and Reese continue to talk.” Are you trying to tell the director that the actors are supposed to keep flapping their mouths? Delete that, I thought it was extraneous.
  
  Pg 12, bottom “Travis looks around to see…Seeing no one else that might fit the description he reluctantly responds.” Don’t editorialize your characters and try to explain motivations. The scene shows it or not, and scripts don’t have room for emotional analysis that just can’t be filmed. Describe the action directly.
  
  Pg 17 Scn 12 “Ralph is a good looking guy and Claire’s interest is peaked.” Again, its not visual. What Claire does throughout the scene had better show that she is interested, you shouldn’t do it in the action paragraphs.
  
  Pg 18 near bottom “Time goes by and they seem to be having a good time.” Wow, this is about as vague as it gets. How is time passing filmed? This is the kind of sentence that might work in a book, but is very confusing to a screenplay reader.
  
  Okay, I hope I made my point, although there are alot of those vague “state of mind” references throughout the script. Perhaps not everyone will agree with me on those points, but my personal feeling is that all of those things should be trimmed or deleted from the script, which would make it a cleaner and more concise read.
  
  Fourth: Dialogue seemed to often be too direct and straightforward. This may be a tough one to explain, but when watching a movie, we want the dialogue to feel like real life people talking. Things have to flow, sound natural. Throughout the script, when one character asks something, their questions are always answered thoroughly and concisely without any subtlety. Conversations in real life are not question answer question answer. They are oblique, partial answers, topic changes, no answer at all. I just felt that the dialogue didn’t always flow naturally. This is especially true with some of the early scenes with Claire and Travis (scene 16); they jump so fast into deep psychology, I felt I was hit over the head because in my experience nobody gets so deep so quick with no subtlety or flirtiness beforehand. Ease into it, give the audience what they need without them even knowing you told them. If a scene becomes a question and answer session because you have to give the audience some information, I would rethink how to get that info out instead of using that approach. read
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  Sad ending..
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by Mr.Madrid941 on 11/30/2008
  1. Contact info. spills on to next page. 2. No "fade in" to start script. 3. Scenes do not need to be numbered. This is a production job. 4. No need to write a new slug line when scene has not changed. 5. There are a few spelling errors and this is the first time I have ever seeing "The End" misspelled anywhere. 6. On pg.3 there is an action that reads: "Claire and Eleanor... 1. Contact info. spills on to next page.
  
  2. No "fade in" to start script.
  
  3. Scenes do not need to be numbered. This is a production job.
  
  4. No need to write a new slug line when scene has not changed.
  
  5. There are a few spelling errors and this is the first time I have ever seeing "The End" misspelled anywhere.
  
  6. On pg.3 there is an action that reads: "Claire and Eleanor enter Claire's apartment using a key" Unless this is some sort of magical key or a crowbar, you don't need to mention it.
  
  7. Sluglines clarify time passed, it doesn't need to be mentioned again in the action. This was done a few times.
  
  Too much explaining of things, leave something to the reader's imagination. When you start a script you want to put as much "white space" in your first few pages as possible or at least untill you grab the reader.
  
  The characters descriptions where also a little weak.
  
  Some of the dialogue I liked and a few of the characters brought some life in to the script. The ending was sad and I was not expecting it.
  read
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  A happy family?!
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by ruggles on 11/23/2008
  A pretty good story that did hold my interest throughout. There are a couple of issues though. First, there are several misspellings (claire is spelled claiire on p6) and missing words - (make into the guiness should be make 'it' into the guiness). Would also suggest that, if you haven't already, read some of the dialog aloud. There are several instances where it doesn't ring... A pretty good story that did hold my interest throughout. There are a couple of issues though. First, there are several misspellings (claire is spelled claiire on p6) and missing words - (make into the guiness should be make 'it' into the guiness). Would also suggest that, if you haven't already, read some of the dialog aloud. There are several instances where it doesn't ring as true as someone actually speaking. Ex. on page 47, both Claire and Travis begin their words with 'well'. more likely one would but not the other. I also didn't understand the Praying Mantis/movie reference on page 78. As for storyline, I think there should be a little more interaction between Claire and Travis before they discuss the vacation. We need to see him noticing more of her nuttiness before he starts commenting on it. Finally, I love the Beverly character--very well written and my favorite line-- "Its funny how time tends to pass more slowly when your mother is supporting you." Overall, nice job. thanks read
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  Dysfunctional Family
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by voula on 11/19/2008
  I enjoyed the story and found that many of the family events resembled life accurately. This was a nice and easy read, however, I found the story to be dense overall. Nice description, nice dialogue but way too much. Description should only be four paragraphs. You need to break this up. Dialogue in many places was way too long. It felt as though…you had something on your... I enjoyed the story and found that many of the family events resembled life accurately. This was a nice and easy read, however, I found the story to be dense overall. Nice description, nice dialogue but way too much. Description should only be four paragraphs. You need to break this up. Dialogue in many places was way too long. It felt as though…you had something on your mind and needed to preach it. I think you’ll find shorter is better. The pace was slow because of this, although I still found the story interesting. I can only imagine if the pace picked up -- the story would improve tremendously. It appears to me that you hit your act breaks, especially in three with the attempted suicide. As for dialogue, I found many of the characters to sound very much a like. They all had the same pattern of speech. It would be advisable to change the pacing and the way some of your characters speak. I like the character of Beverly and Reese. They stood out for me and the aunt was a blast. Claire could use a bit of character development. I do not understand what she is all about. Show me some hints.
  
  P.5 oh God, should be cap.
  P.7 how do we know they’re Claire’s paintings?
  P.11 Hmmp?
  P.19 Time goes by…how do we know this? Maybe just write later.
  P.40 Continued written twice
  
  Good luck with this! read
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  from one film nerd to one video geek...
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by filmnerd74 on 11/18/2008
  Overall I think this SP needs a lot more work in terms of characterization, dialogue, writing style, and structure. I didn’t find Claire to be an engaging main character, especially because she mostly lacks any clear goals. I found Beverly to be a better character in this way, with more of a mission and obstacles that could get in the way. I would either consider making her... Overall I think this SP needs a lot more work in terms of characterization, dialogue, writing style, and structure. I didn’t find Claire to be an engaging main character, especially because she mostly lacks any clear goals. I found Beverly to be a better character in this way, with more of a mission and obstacles that could get in the way. I would either consider making her the main character or really work on Claire.
  
  I also thought that the writing style was overwritten. There are a lot of words (both in dialogue and action) but not a whole lot happens. The basic storyline was quite predictable (except for the robbery and Eleanor’s death), but I definitely knew where it was going with the love plot.
  
  As for structure, the SP seems to lack most of the important beats such as point of incitement, act 1-2 break, midpoint complication….
  
  Here are the notes I wrote down as I read:
  
  Break up action paragraphs and long monologues. Page one already looks overbearing.
  
  In the action paragraphs, change all your “is standing” “is rushed in” etc…to “stands” “rushes in.” Make it active in the present, not passive and indirect.
  
  A little too overwritten. Just go through and cut out as many words as possible while keeping the essence of what you are trying to say. Short and sweet is the name of the game.
  
  Act one – halfway through we still don’t really know what this film will be about. Seems to be about nothing much so far. We don’t know what Claire wants. A main character without a clear goal is no main character at all.
  
  Pg. 18: too much expository dialogue. “Time goes by and they seem to be having a good time. The waiter asks them if they would like coffee after their meal and they both accept. They continue talking over coffee.” Instead of writing all this, which is vague and unfilmmable, just cut to later when they are sitting and drinking coffee.
  
  24-26: again, the dialogue is too expositional. These characters are talking too in depth for a first conversation and are wearing their feelings on their sleeves. Most importantly though, we don’t really even care about the things they talk about because you have not implanted in our minds the need to know this information beforehand.
  
  There is no break into act 2, still no goal, or anything that really hooks us into the story or the characters.
  
  Way too much dialogue and not enough character-driven action going on throughout. Dialogue blocks run too long sometimes. Keep them also about 3 lines each.
  
  I like the “Man Monopoly”
  
  62: would Eleanor say “fuck” around her daughter?
  
  76: Claire’s hostility seems unjustified. She just got a job, why isn’t she happier?
  
  93: “They watch the sun come up after staying up all
  night talking.” –How do we know they stayed up all night talking? Show, not tell.
  
  98: “A meaningless act of violence, it's a dangerous world.” Unnecessary unfilmmable.
  
  100: “She takes it and looks at Reese, whose image is
  Overpowered by Eleanor's memory.” –Unclear. What does this mean?
  
  
  
  I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I do wish you all the best of luck in future re-writes. Keep on writing! read
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  Novel in Screenplay Format
  A review of Claire's Desire
  by TheKeenGuy on 11/17/2008
  The main problem is that you are writing a novel in screenplay format rather than a screenplay. Look at the first scene. There is so much information included in the action that cannot possibly be communicated visually. This is a major disservice for a director and actors to somehow try to find a to visually communicate "becomes entranced" or "none seem horribly unhappy"... The main problem is that you are writing a novel in screenplay format rather than a screenplay. Look at the first scene. There is so much information included in the action that cannot possibly be communicated visually. This is a major disservice for a director and actors to somehow try to find a to visually communicate "becomes entranced" or "none seem horribly unhappy" or "thinks she is being indiscreet but she is not." Therefore, it's apparent that you are not writing with the best interests of the film in mind. You are writing primarily to make an impression on the reader. Given that, you should either transition to writing novels or change your approach to screenwriting to better service the film.
  
  You are trying to write an emotional script, but when your characters behave unrealistically for the sake of drama, you undercut your intentions. It turns into melodrama, and a joyless form at that. There's no extent to which this feels like it's occurring in the real world. Most of the characters say exactly what they mean ("on the nose" dialogue) and most of the conversations read like psycho-therapy.
  
  In the sense of psychological make-ups, you've created rich characters, but the way they interact shows very little understanding of how people actually behave. The way that Travis shrugs off the gun situation, for instance, is not credible.
  
  I would suggest that you take more time to consider how to inject the kind of emotional stories you want to tell into a premise with more commercial appeal, that you focus on mining character development through the subtext within natural dialogue, and ESPECIALLY focusing on writing a screenplay in which you communicate your story specifically through visuals and dialogue.
  
  PS. Avoid passive voice. For instance, one paragraph on page 8 contained eight sentences, seven of which used passive voice. read