An ex con wants his son back, by any means necessary...
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An unstoppable demon is on a mission to open the gates of hell and unleash the devil himself. The world is in need of a hero... only they got Cody Dumas instead. An Indiana Jones style adventure.
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Reviews of Cody Dumas: Demon Hustler 22
by AlCielo on 04/25/2012"Cody Dumas: Demon Hustler" is a well conceived thriller with a welcome sense of humor. Your synopsis mentions the Indiana Jones films as similar films, but your story is much closer to "Wanted" and that's the model I'm basing my review on. Usually I focus on one or two major weaknesses and leave the remainder for later revisions, but I think there are only two here, so this... "Cody Dumas: Demon Hustler" is a well conceived thriller with a welcome sense of humor. Your synopsis mentions the Indiana Jones films as similar films, but your story is much closer to "Wanted" and that's the model I'm basing my review on.
Usually I focus on one or two major weaknesses and leave the remainder for later revisions, but I think there are only two here, so this is more of a complete review. For me the most important problem is audience identification with the protagonist, and far less significant and far-reaching are some on-the-nose and/or expositional dialog passages.
Usually I note at what point I got hooked in to the story. Ideally this should be within the first 10-15 pages, regardless of whether one is using a particular template or none at all, and this is especially true in a an adventure tentpole like yours (especially a big budget one). I didn't really find myself in movie-theatre-audience mode (as opposed to reader / reviewer) until page 68. That of course is the spot where Cody learns that he may have to die to save the world. Until then, everything is just a big adventure. This may have been a Karate Kid sequel (except that the stakes are less personal in your script). There is danger galore until p. 68, but no emotional investment by the protag.
I realize you're drawing Cody as a nebbish in order to have him arc into a superhero later, but for your genre, the transformation should occur at the end of Act 1, when the protag makes a (literally) do-or-die choice. The time for Cody to horse around with his new role is between the appearance of the hunters and the turning point to Act 2. This is formulaic, but you're writing a formulaic--in a good way--story, not a subtle indie drama, and postponing an expected turn will weaken audience involvement.
It's good to have "fun and games" in Act 2 (primarily in the first half), but these amusements should be made under the shadow of the eventual crisis (live and the demons get free or die to keep them in hell). Notice how lukewarm / passive Cody's acceptance of his role is at the end of Act 1 (which I locate on p. 28). There's no "I'm not going to do that!" ... "All right, dammit, I'll do that." sort of decision-making. If Cody doesn't get involved, the demons will take over, if he does, then the audience assumes (given the genre) that he'll triumph. The hunters know the real danger and they mention it to each other (as a kind of "I told you something bad was going to happen" foreshadowing for the audience, but Cody is kept completely unaware. If you wanted to, you could allow the hunters to tell Cody there was one major catch (without revealing what it was), but as long as he's completely in the dark, his acceptance creates no traction for the reader.
The dialog here consists mostly of flippant banter, which is just fine for the Indiana Jones tone ("snakes, I hate snakes"), but there are a few places where it bogs down the story--most of the descriptions of the demonic apparatus are wordy and often repeat what the viewer has already seen. Sometimes (particularly at emotional points) the characters don't use subtext to hide their feelings, as they would in real life, particularly at key emotional moments--Bobby's reveal to Cody, Marson's death / Sarina's anger, Alric's revelation (90-91). In these passages, I get the feeling the dialog is motivated by the storyline, not by the characters.
But overall, dialog is quite good. Hooking the audience earlier on will make a major change in how readers and viewers identify with Cody and his mission, even if you don't change much after the hook. The ending, which I like very much, will have even more impact.
Congrats on a lively story with a fine audience-pleasing resolution. read
by sturner on 04/20/2012This is a damn-good script, very fast-paced and the writer obviously put a lot of effort into these pages and takes his craft seriously. It’s not normally my favorite genre, but I enjoyed the story and pretty much read it all in one sitting. Here are my running notes: Pf 1 - Aaah, it’s so nice to see a well-formatted, clean and clear, well-written screenplay. Thank you...
This is a damn-good script, very fast-paced and the writer obviously put a lot of effort into these pages and takes his craft seriously. It’s not normally my favorite genre, but I enjoyed the story and pretty much read it all in one sitting.
Here are my running notes:
Pf 1 - Aaah, it’s so nice to see a well-formatted, clean and clear, well-written screenplay. Thank you for that.
The action starts concise, just descriptive enough, but as I keep going I find myself wanting more at times - just a few more details to ground myself to the location or place so that I can see it better and maybe remember the character a little easier.
p 7 awkward phrasing: ‘quietens down’
Only complaint with the first 10 pages is that I don’t know if Dumas is immortal – has been reincarnated - or even if present-day Cody knows he’s a demon hunter. I’m sure it’ll become clearer later, but the first ten pages are the most important and I’m not clear on this issue. Maybe make sure to describe each of the Dumas better, so we know they aren’t the same single person? It doesn’t become clear until p22, which might be too late to hook someone if they get frustrated.
p22 – dumas s/b Dumas
p28 - Don’t need the comma in: Maybe your father’s decision to hide you away, was the wrong one.
p37 – while I appreciate the pace, the rapid-fire dialogue is wearing a little thin for my tastes. Doesn’t give much opportunity to get a real feel for the characters or give them any sort of voice.
p51 – not wrong, just awkward phrasing: Looks like I’m sat here.
p66 – don’t need a question mark in: When he grabbed me I saw it?
p71 – I feel like Cody needs something to live for – someone to care about and some reason to care that the world is going to end. He doesn’t really seem to have a goal. This is a quirky script, so it doesn’t have to be anything major or serious (a cat, a dog, some exotic beer he ordered), but he needs some reason to want to stop the end of the world.
p74 – awkward phrasing: ‘Good job your blind.’ I think you mean, ‘Good thing you’re blind.’
p82 – don’t need the capital ‘T’ in: holds on To Sarina
p92 – punctuation? Hell Reaver Yeah, I just read your thoughts.
p94 – s/b intact: front train car in tact.
p94 – capitalize Sarina: turns to sarina.
Overall, a good story, an easy read, and a fun ride. Thanks! read
by Aaron Scott on 01/05/2012Love the setup. Set's the tone. Maybe just one example could be good enough tho... You might hate me for this, but not a big fan of Dumas as the last name... Just my opinion though. Enjoy reading Cody's character. Think he'll be a fun character. Reminds me of Robert Downey's Iron Man. Page 17, Blast freezes the sales man. Thought this comedic touch was classic! Structure... Love the setup. Set's the tone.
Maybe just one example could be good enough tho...
You might hate me for this, but not a big fan of Dumas as the last name... Just my opinion though.
Enjoy reading Cody's character. Think he'll be a fun character. Reminds me of Robert Downey's Iron Man.
Page 17, Blast freezes the sales man. Thought this comedic touch was classic!
Structure is great. Inciting Incident. Act Two break. Midpoint. All of it where it needs to be! Congrats.
Sarina is cool and smart character. I like her. Like her for the romantic interest.
Page 27... Cody Dumas, demon hunter? Good setup.
LOL. Gabe and Sarina married, doesn't get sex... That's funny. Good midpoint.
All these rules. The stones. The blood. Super special demon hunter. It seems to work, but it's almost reaching the point of... really, come on.
This is really good writing. Good setup. Tone is funny and serious. Kinda Ghostbusters esque.
Would love to see this come to the screen.
If I had anything, I would say if you could write it with less special effects. Especially the end. Maybe you could get a smaller production company to pick it up, if the big ones pass.
by AndrewX on 12/04/2011One thing you want to avoid in screenwriting is going "over the top." Everything from concept, dialogue, actions, the hero's and villain's powers, must be kept in check with "realism." I found multiple times when realism wasn't kept in check. Page 5: Cody's cut on his head heals and tooth grows back. (And he thought that was normal? Anyone else would've freaked, then cut... One thing you want to avoid in screenwriting is going "over the top." Everything from concept, dialogue, actions, the hero's and villain's powers, must be kept in check with "realism." I found multiple times when realism wasn't kept in check.
Page 5: Cody's cut on his head heals and tooth grows back. (And he thought that was normal? Anyone else would've freaked, then cut their own finger to see if it healed up.)
Page 6: Bobby, who is a warlock, a member of the Hunter's Order, and Cody's protector says "I ain't playing with my balls?" No way.
Page 16: Blast, an ice demon appears and Cody, age 28, whose never seen a demon before says "A little big for a snowman." Not likely. (Maybe once he figures things out and fights a few demons would he say something like that. "Oh shit!" would more likely be his response.)
Page 16: Demon grabs Bobby's throat and yet Bobby can still talk saying "Cody, you better run!"
Page 18: Blast, an 8ft tall ice demon appears and freezes the salesman and a customer says "I'll take one!" (He woulda shit his pants and ran for his life.)
Page 19: Sarina saves Cody with a grenade launcher. Cody then collides with the grenade launcher, knocking him unconscious. How?
Page 20: How would Cody, who was knocked unconscious, and wake up strapped to a table realize he was in a seven eleven?
Page 31: Cody goes back to the car and gets in the car with Danny, the driver. Cody wonders how he got to the bookstore. How did Cody get to the bookstore if not in the car? Yet he doesn't remember Danny driving him there?
Page 32: The world is at stake. The Hunters have no time to train Cody, but Danny has time to take him to a bar?
Bobby was killed on page 16-17, but Cody didn't seem upset until page 32? (He should have been angry and upset the whole time.)
Page 34: Sarina tells Cody "it's training time." But on page 28, Marson told Cody they don't have time to train him.
Page 56: After arriving by plane and then at a hotel room, Gabe empties a green bag full of weapons. How did he get it through airport security?
Page 61: Alric crumbles buildings, crashes helicopters, and breaks people's necks with just a snap of his fingers. How is it that when a car crashes into him, it sends him high into the air?
This script is full of instances like this. I know this is an action, adventure, sci-fi/fantasy story, but you got to keep realism in check. The writer shows promise with great imagination. And with a good re-write, this script will show even more promise. I'm sure of it.
by Adam Taylor Barker on 11/27/2011To begin, I'll point out the obvious: This is well-written story that's easy to read and flows with urgency. But... it needs some heavy lifting to push it up to the professional level. As it is, it feels like a valiant attempt by an amateur. It's lacking voice, deep character development, and in some ways... originality. There's a scene in a supermarket, when Cody meets... To begin, I'll point out the obvious: This is well-written story that's easy to read and flows with urgency. But... it needs some heavy lifting to push it up to the professional level.
As it is, it feels like a valiant attempt by an amateur. It's lacking voice, deep character development, and in some ways... originality.
There's a scene in a supermarket, when Cody meets Sarena, that's straight out of Wanted. It's far too similar to the scene where Wanted's protag meets Angelina Jolie's character.
Concept it good. It's certainly better than your average logline, but it could use another element. Something that pushes it over the top.
Cody is very good. I like his character and I like his arc. Sarena is also pretty good, but she could use some more development. Alric is pretty interesting, but at times he feels like a caricature. Especially near the end. He starts speaking a little differently, using terms like "fool" and "girly" and "bitch." He becomes a weak antagonist near the end. Much weaker than he is in the first half of the script... where he feels like a worthy antagonist. The secondary characters could also use more development. Marson and Gabe, in particular. I would've liked to have seen Gabe and Cody interact a little more and their conflict come to a head.
Dialogue is good to great. There are some great lines in this. But there are also some very bad lines. Arlic's out-of-character insults near the end, for example. Dialogue needs some work and you really need to make sure that every line a character says stays within their established voice.
This is an interesting, imaginative story. But it still needs a lot of work. The ending and climax don't live up to the interesting build-up of the rest of the story. There's needs to be more development of your characters, and particularly of Cody's demon hunting powers. We don't get that interesting training sequence that most films like this have. Example: Wanted, which has its protag learning all these interesting skills that later come into play to help him overcome his obstacles. This story desperately needs something similar.
Like I just pointed out, it could use some help from an extending training sequence. Cody accepts his position as demon hunter too easily. It feels unrealistic and false to his character.
Good script, good characters. Tons of potential. But not quite there yet. Needs a lot of work, but only because this has the potential of making it if the work is invested.
Nice work. Needs improvement. Thanks for a fun, easy read. Below are some notes I jotted down as I read:
p. 2-3 – The super just said we’re in 1985 but then your next super says “Now”… but we’re still with the Rocker and Biker Chick from the ’85 Rock Concert Hall. Ohh, okay. I see that the Giant's fist was some kind of transition. That was confusing, though. Make that more clear.
7 – “quitens” should be “quiets”
13 – Might be more interesting if Alric snaps his fingers and another bookshelf falls on the Collector’s neck, instead of his neck snapping itself.
15 – Okay, I’ve noticed that your character descriptions need a little more oomph. They feel uninspired and as a result it makes me question the writer’s ability. Take Blast’s description for example: “Into the room steps BLAST, an eight foot tall, faceless ice demon. It’s body is made from ice, its breath is visible.” See what I mean? You’ve only told me that Blast has an 8 foot tall body of ice, he’s faceless, and his breath is visible. It just feels bland. Gimme some style, here. Show me your voice.
18 – I can’t help but notice the similarity of this scene with the scene in “Wanted” where Angelina Jolie’s character shows up to save the protag. Both scenes are in a supermarket, so you might wanna change that.
36 – Just an idea, but what if Cody pulls out a dusty box and thinks that’s what Bobby wanted him to find and when he opens it he finds a bunch of nudie magazines. It would be a funny moment and then he could push the box back under the bed and find the real box.
61 – Hard to believe that Alric could be hit by a car and that’s how Marson and Cody get the stone from him. It’s too easy. He’s an immortal demon and hitting him with a car can stun him?
91 – All this is coming off as uninspired exposition, and I don’t believe that Alric could die from Cody stabbing him with a knife. It’s too easy. read
by DontStealMyScript on 11/27/2011OVERVIEW First Impression - Title page and page count are good. Format looks good. Action blocks not too long. Well done! I wasn't impressed by this story. The plot devices feel borrowed from other sources (Constantine, Buckaroo Bonzai, Little Nicky). While your writing and creativity are impressive, you fail to tell us an interesting story with deep characters. But that... OVERVIEW
First Impression - Title page and page count are good. Format looks good. Action blocks not too long. Well done!
I wasn't impressed by this story. The plot devices feel borrowed from other sources (Constantine, Buckaroo Bonzai, Little Nicky). While your writing and creativity are impressive, you fail to tell us an interesting story with deep characters. But that might be okay if the straight to DVD market is what you're shooting for.
There are a lot of special effects in this: Hell Gates, Demons, Reavers, Hell Bats, Hell Train. So the eye candy abundant. But take all that away and what do you have? Are your characters interesting and likeable? Is the plot realistic? Or does it require too large a suspension of disbelief?
The problem I see with getting this sold is that it would take a huge amount of money for the special effects, but your market would be limited to DVD sales. UNLESS you can rewrite this in a way that makes your character and plot more compelling. I'm sorry that I'm not more enthusiastic about your sale prospects, but your characters and plot need a major overhaul.
For a high-budget first spec done right - with deep characters and compelling story - I'd take a look at 'Killing on Carnival Row': http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/killing-on-carnival-row.html
This feels like a story in the vein of Buckaroo Bonzai or Little Nicky. Both are comedies, just as this one should be.
G.U.S. (see article at: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2011/08/article-gsu.html)
Goals - to stop Alric from opening Hell's Gates.
Urgency - Alric is collecting the stones he needs.
Stakes - if he fails there will be hell on Earth.
My notes from the read are below:
1 - CHARACTERS
Protagonist - Cody
Motivation - not clear
Antagonist - Alric
Motivation - not clear till the end, then it's too late.
2 - STRUCTURE
a) Opening Sequence - Hook
Cody Dumas fights demons over the centuries. Engaging and visually stunning opening. We are hooked.
c) Thematic Dialogue
d) Inciting Incident
e) Turn Point 1
Page 25 When Cody learns about his heritage and Alric's plans.
f) Midpoint turn
Page 65 When Alric gets the 3rd stone.
g) Turn Point 2
After Marson and Gabe are killed, Cody strikes out on his own to stop the hell train.
The hell train goes down in the crater and thunders toward hell's gates.
Cody brings Sarina back to life and they plan to fight the demons who escaped the portal.
3 - PLOT
Cody's thing where he says his first and last name seems like a borrow from the movie 'Constantine'.
Page 39 When Cody and Marson walk into the courtroom, wouldn't the people who've been waiting to have their cases heard try to stop them from cutting in line?
Cody dispatches Inferno very easily. Could have made it more of a contest between those two.
4 - WHAT WORKED
Your writing is crisp and and lean, making for a quick read.
5 - WHAT DIDN'T WORK
The scene where somebody hits Bobby in the head with a ketchup bottle seems out of sync with the tone of the rest of your story. This isn't a comedy, or maybe it should be.
At one point, Sarina comes out of nowhere and tells us that Alric has the second stones. How? When? Where? This is a visual medium, so you should strive to follow the old adage, 'Show, don't tell'.
Page 42 Cody keeps delivering these one-liners that push this story squarely in the realm of comedy. You really should consider adding the comedy genre to your classifications for this script.
During his fights, Cody's snide remarks kept pulling me out of the story. If someone were really fighting a demon would they talk out loud to themselves? It feels forced, like you just want him to say something for the sake of your audience. Maybe you could rework those scenes as if we weren't watching the action. That might make if feel more realistic.
6 - THEME
7 - DIALOGUE
Cody talks too much during his fights. You could lose his commentary and make these scenes more realistic.
8 - SETUPS / PAYOFFS
Cody gives Giant a fake roll of money. / He and Giant fight in the Judge's arena.
9 - TWISTS
10 - ORIGINALITY
a) Premise - influenced by Constantine and Buckaroo Bonzai and Little Nicky.
b) Set Pieces - Hell Bat
c) Plot Devices - the stones = doomsday
11 - CINEMATIC SCENES
The Hell Bat on the hood of the Porsche breathing fire at the windshield.
The crater opening up under the tracks of the hell train.
12 - DETAILED COMMENTS
- p. 18 Maybe you should describe Blast as 'it' or 'him', but not both.
- p. 73 You have the hell bat leap/land on the hood of the car twice.
- p. 84 Double punctuation should be avoided.
13 - EASE OF READ
A very easy read.
14 - LOG LINE
a) Actual: An unstoppable demon is on a mission to open the gates of hell! Step up Cody Dumas... a, um, hustler?
You should include your hero, his flaw, and his objective, at a minimum.
b) Recommended: A self-serving hustler must accept his destiny in order to stop a powerful demon from unleashing Hell on Earth.
15 - TELEGRAPHS
Page 71 When Sarina doesn't go with Cody, we know she'll show up later to save the day just when he's about to lose his fight with Alric.
16 - PAGE COUNT
99, decent could be a tad shorter.
17 - OVERALL
Trains, explosions, demons, and magical stones could not save this script. Why? Because the story and the characters are paper thin. Beef up Cody's arc. Give him a flaw that he needs to fix in order to achieve his goal. Make us CARE whether or not he succeeds. Then you'll have a spec that studios will be fighting over to buy from you. Good luck and keep typing!
by ScriptWhite on 08/15/2011Wow, okay this is one of the most professionally written scripts I've read on Trigger Street, it has a clear audience and never deviates from that. It's fast, funny, violent, cheeky and emotional. The odds stack up nicely to the final showdown with most of your darlings killed (quite shockingly quickly) with few last words to be spared. I like your page count, seems bang on... Wow, okay this is one of the most professionally written scripts I've read on Trigger Street, it has a clear audience and never deviates from that. It's fast, funny, violent, cheeky and emotional. The odds stack up nicely to the final showdown with most of your darlings killed (quite shockingly quickly) with few last words to be spared. I like your page count, seems bang on for the violent comedy route.
Your intro is really captivating and I really enjoyed the way you paint the special effects transitions but I have to mention that I have seen it said that this can be seen as directing. That you should only state the location and the genius director attached will come up the amazing idea of how to link the scenes, he's a visionary, after all. Your call, I think it works beautifully on the page but thought I'd share what I have found.
Bobby's last words didn't quite strike me the emotion of a long time mentor/protector. Maybe juice it up a bit?
So many great moments, I love the dream sequence, and I guess pretty much any scene with Alric, some great dark comedy moments “Surprise.” Brilliant stuff.
Your story logic is pretty sound, any time I thought “Hang on a moment...” it was explained about four lines later. Using the train car numbers as a countdown is a great method for building the pace of the final confrontation.
This has to be the shortest review I've written for Trigger Street but that's because there's so little wrong with it (IMHO). Your comedy hits every time, you have some mind blowing scenes; a speeding train hurtling down to Hell?!!!? And the hint of a romance at the end, awesome. I think this a great example of a story I know but told in a new way. He's the unwanted hero who has to learn to believe in himself, it's classic but what a great journey!
Page 15. CODY – Um, Bobby, you on L-S-D?
Page 74. CODY – Thanks. Good job you're blind. read
by Gary Mark Lee on 07/29/2011This was COOL! Demons, the Devil, kick ass girl, blind driver, a hell bent train, what’s not to like? I have worked on big scale movies and been around lots of special effects guys and gals and we all love seeing a movie like this. This script has been around for a while and has gotten very good reviews, I’m sure you’ve already heard most of what people have said about what... This was COOL! Demons, the Devil, kick ass girl, blind driver, a hell bent train, what’s not to like? I have worked on big scale movies and been around lots of special effects guys and gals and we all love seeing a movie like this.
This script has been around for a while and has gotten very good reviews, I’m sure you’ve already heard most of what people have said about what they did and didn’t like, format and typo’s and all that so here is not a lot I can add, I will simple say that I liked it a lot.
And it was an easy read too, many times a writer, (myself included) gets bogged down in over directions and wordy descriptions, that didn’t happen here. In fact many will say that they didn’t see everything clearly and needed more input, I guess they haven’t seen enough demon movies. Anybody who likes this type of movie will be glad that you trusted them enough to know what’s going on and how things will look, you spent your valuable time letting us know what we needed to know and moved things along fast!
It really made me want to go back and rewrite all of my scripts too make them read faster and easier, and you didn’t put in unnecessary characters, you kept everything needed and that helps a lot with this kind of movie.
I love everybody, the Judge in particular, a sort of demon “Judge Judy” hahahah, and the whole thing with the dog rapist, VERY funny. Humor is a big part of this movie, lately movies of this type that things way to seriously, the get so dark and self righteous it takes all the fun away. I mean you have a Demon hunter, it’s not Shakespeare, lighten up.
The whole demon train at the end was also very nice, I love trains and I’ll watch anything with them in it, it also leads itself to some great camera angles and sound effects, I was a little surprised that you didn’t put in a few lines here and there about what was being heard? A demon train heading for hell has got to sound BIG, it’s not a big point but I think it would add to the drama.
I have seen Cody and Sarina characters in other movies but it really didn’t matter, your audience is still going to be happy and trying to come up with a totally different couple would only slow things down.
Your demons were also right out of the horror manual, but with some good designing they will stand out and satisfied the creature people out there. Most everything will be done by green screen and computers, you kept the cast low and that will help on the cost. Remember it’s all about making money and the way you handled things will help with the money guys.
Well that’s about it from me, a few things here and there that might be done better but not enough to make a big point about, besides when a script like this one gets into productions all kinds of changes are made. Dialog gets a fix, setting change, what writer mostly do is set a framework to start with, from there it goes on a long trip into directors hands, production people, backers, studio heads, on and on.
Writers think that everything in their scripts is gold, believe me it’s mostly mercury, it has to flow good, sparkle and fill what people want.
You did good, I’d like to see this movie and I know I will smile.
Thanks for the read and all the best to you.
by jakenp on 07/27/2011Mark--nicely done! What an entertaining and fast-paced read. Well-done on creating such an elaborate, detailed, and comprehensive myth/underworld that I understood without ever getting bogged down. Cody Dumas is just a guy. Owns a burger joint, likes to get drunk. Then, he is pretty much kidnapped by a trio of people who claim to be guardians of the universe. Turns out, Cody... Mark--nicely done! What an entertaining and fast-paced read. Well-done on creating such an elaborate, detailed, and comprehensive myth/underworld that I understood without ever getting bogged down.
Cody Dumas is just a guy. Owns a burger joint, likes to get drunk. Then, he is pretty much kidnapped by a trio of people who claim to be guardians of the universe. Turns out, Cody is the last in a line of those charged with keeping the gates of hell closed. He's got to battle with one hell of a demon, Arlic, to keep them from opening and all hell breaking loose.
Shoot. The list of things I liked is gonna be long and probably incomplete. I felt like the world was really at stake from very early on and, true to form in your scripts, there were several ground shaking turning points. Danny was a stroke of brilliance. Very funny and I think it might just translate to being even funnier on screen. Cody is a great protag and you do a GREAT job of subtly showing him change. I was really impressed with this.
How can you write Brits so well!? Hah.
A couple small notes of criticism are these:
The bestiality necrophiliac guy in purgatory missed for me. It felt like you were trying to shoe-horn jokes in.
The first half of act II is like an exposition-fest. This didn't kill it for me, as the exposition is cool shit, like demons are escaping from hell and Cody has to stop them. But I think that if you could layer it over some action scenes with big consequences, it could really set of that portion of the story.
How did Sarina know about the bookstore? They just sort of appear there, and I didn't know if I was supposed to understand that Sarina sort of knows everything. Maybe something for Cody to voice.
Didn't like the glowing stones. In this guy's opinion, just make 'em rocks, no purple glow.
That's it. I hope this gets made. Perfectly high-budget so you get paid well. Go sell this thing, man. If you're in doubt about what to show a producer, I like this a lot better than Good Cop Bad Cops. Just my opinion.
by BSKling on 07/23/2011To begin, I found your script to be wonderfully entertaining. It was bright and quick and I never felt like I was reading multiple movies. You had a great sense of what "Demon Hustler." With that being said I believe there is more room to explore Cody. I would have liked to have seen a little more of the con-man in the beginning. Seeing more of Cody's redeemable qualities would... To begin, I found your script to be wonderfully entertaining. It was bright and quick and I never felt like I was reading multiple movies. You had a great sense of what "Demon Hustler." With that being said I believe there is more room to explore Cody. I would have liked to have seen a little more of the con-man in the beginning. Seeing more of Cody's redeemable qualities would have made his switch a lot more clear.
Heroes and villains can be very similar and in this story it would have been exciting to see the half demon side of Cody. Maybe moments where he needs to be restrained because he is unable to control himself in certain situations I.e. Odyssius and the sirens.
From the page, I was a little concerned that the end came too easy. Upon re-reading I was wrong. You did a fantastic job crafting a finale in which a ballet of flaws saves the day without it feeling coincidental or trite for that matter.
All in all you created a story that combined wit with action and you did it well. I would say don't be afraid to explore the wonderful world and characters you created. Your natural pacing works well for your benefit. Take advantage of that to explore your depths.
Last but not least, it was fun and at the end of the day that's why we all do this. Never lose sight of that! read
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