James Marsh, a gifted telepath working for a ruthless corporation, discovers his true identity after a series of... more
HOW IT RATES
James Hooper, a gifted psychic working for a successful corporation, discovers his real identity after a series of ferocious corporate battles. In an effort to locate his real family, James is pitted against the wrath of the corporation that has cosseted him since birth, a course of action that leads to bloody retribution and redemption for both sides.
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Reviews of DAMAGED (rev1) 14
by cstroman on 10/23/2007Structure: It's ok but you cut alot of single scenes into multiple scenes for the sake of length. You intercut between scenes that shouldn't be. When you reveal Alex, you keep cutting back and forth from there back to ConSec and it's very jagged because there aren't any scene endings or reasons to do so. Also there are alot of fluff dialogue scenes that don't do anything to... Structure: It's ok but you cut alot of single scenes into multiple scenes for the sake of length. You intercut between scenes that shouldn't be. When you reveal Alex, you keep cutting back and forth from there back to ConSec and it's very jagged because there aren't any scene endings or reasons to do so. Also there are alot of fluff dialogue scenes that don't do anything to propel the story forward. They paint or repaint details we know. For instance we are hinted too much about Sollis before we ever get to their tests. I would cut down some scenes or remove many so that you can get more story done.
Characters: I only have one word unfortunately and that is "Cliche'". Every single character in this script is a cardboard cut out of any action flick ever produced, except without any of the uniqueness that those chatacters have on screen. The "bad guy" Clark is laughable and his dialogue is pretty bad for a monologuing bad guy. Mia of course is the archetypal "bad girl" and Brennan is of course "the henchman". James is the "reluctant hero" that circumstance has chosen. Emma is the "faithful female supporting character/possible love interest" and everyone for ConSec are "the man".
Story: The story needs work in fleshing it out. It's 90 pages but only about 45 of story. That means better use of the page and better dialogue. I also got a little bit bored reading it just because nothing was new at all. I knew who everyone was based on archetypes and knew what was going to happen based on every action flick that preceeds this.
Overall: Remote Viewing is an interesting topic and could be a "backdrop" for a well paced action flick, but this one isn't engaging enough yet. Needs to break the formula more and not follow it totally from A to Z. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/12/2007“Damaged” has a sound frame and solid hooks like genetic engineering and the remote viewing concept on which to build. The characters and events just need some layering and polishing. Following are some suggestions/comments: - Good character descriptions, very visual. When introducing characters, I got a solid image of the character right away. - Limit # of characters and... “Damaged” has a sound frame and solid hooks like genetic engineering and the remote viewing concept on which to build. The characters and events just need some layering and polishing. Following are some suggestions/comments:
- Good character descriptions, very visual. When introducing characters, I got a solid image of the character right away.
- Limit # of characters and be consistent about names. Why introduce Martin Russell in opening scene only to kill him within 2 pages? If a character is not a major character does the reader really need to know his first and last name? Also, be consistent when you refer to characters. If you have four characters and are calling them by first names in one scene and last names in another, it seems like 8 characters are running around. Once Mia was identified as Lee, I recommend calling her Lee. I found it distracting to keep reading Mia/Lee.
- Strong action descriptions. Action descriptions had pop to them due to the combination of nouns with action verbs. Be careful with overuse of vocabulary. I counted 5 usages of impassively. Mix it up. If there so much lack of emotion, be more descriptive to give it meaning – aloof, dispassionate, apathetic?
- Confused about Clark’s motive. If Clark knew the operatives would die at 30, why was he having them killed? Again back to first point, killing Martin seemed like a major event so I read into it maybe more than I should have.
- Proiect, ordine, productie? Why use other language forms of words, to convey a clandestine connotation? Seemed to detract more than add to the work.
- Emma needs to be developed. Emma seemed flat – always asking one line questions and giving one line answers. Perhaps rather than the introduction of Eric Hamilton’s case to be so simplistic, maybe build that up to more dramatically reveal James’ power and build the relationship between James and Emma. read
by Windward on 07/09/2007James is a corporately owned and designed person who's warranty is about expire. He posses the special power of "remote viewing" and is cash-cow for the ConSec corporation who's other four remote viewers have been killed off at the behest of the mad scientist who created them and who is now a religious fanatic out to rid the world of his creations. This is a very Spartan... James is a corporately owned and designed person who's warranty is about expire. He posses the special power of "remote viewing" and is cash-cow for the ConSec corporation who's other four remote viewers have been killed off at the behest of the mad scientist who created them and who is now a religious fanatic out to rid the world of his creations.
This is a very Spartan script both in the writing (good) and emotionally (not so good). The writing is lean and crisp and the dialog flows however the story construction and characters left me very emotionally detached. There should be a lot at stake here but it feels like there isn't because most of the character aren't very intriguing and likable (a lot of corporate and security types).
Mia starts off well in the first scene in the bar but over the course of here existence she becomes just a type that eventually gets wasted. Why not make her a "real" character? It feels like there is a bigger story here wanting to get out. A lot of subjects and characters are touched on but then glossed over or left dangling (like the farming out of prisoners as medical guinea pigs).
Take Clark the mad scientist. Around page 47 he is basically dropped. Later we hear that some east European pharmaceutical lab has been destroyed, presumably were Veridakt is being made, but what a waste of a good character. I was really expecting him to return, maybe show up at the hangar or somehow contribute more to the plot. So we are basically left with Kelso as the emotional antagonist and he repeatedly just strikes one note. From the beginning we know what he's about. He doesn't seem like a worthy adversary. If Clark is removed then Kelso needs to be larger, a bit more profound.
Take James. What is he really? That never really gets explained. It's hinted at but Clark never gives James or us something to ponder about the nature of his existence. To find is mother is a good quest but it shouldn't be his only motivation. He needs a bigger goal. Why is he going expire? Is there a way to stop it? It would seem that he needs Clark to give him some answers and he should have a way to force Clark to do that (probably using remote viewing somehow). Then he can deal with Kelso on higher level.
As is it, he seems very weak and passive. Only Emma seems to have a real internal light. James doesn't even "really" use his power. He has a "super" power but the only time he uses it to deal with his plight is at the hangar. (Where a "blank faced uniformed soldier" disrupts Kelso's spiel)
James is almost thirty years old and, as written, he is a seemingly well adjusted and moral guy. Has he been living for the last thirty years in the ConSec compound? He has an apartment which seems sort of incongruous. He's also really wealthy. Does he ever use any of this money? Is he, in fact, owned by ConSec like Monsanto owns the patent rights to a new genetically modified strain of corn?
Hamilton is another underused character. He's a wealthy client who James does a job for and that's it. He passes a little information on about Kelso's location at the hangar and talks a little about family but, given all the time we spend with him, he contributes very little to the story. What he wants, to find his daughter, doesn't contribute to the narrative. It could though.
All in all, the story is not very complex and has a lot of dangling lines that could be developed and integrated into the story. It needs a few more layers of intrigue and not just some crazy religious fanatics running around like a monkey-wrench gang.
Above all, I felt the wonderful device of remote viewing was underused. You have a great opportunity to explore a fascinating vehicle (like the "Invisible Man" device) and by extension a fascinating character.
You have all the ingredients here, they just need to exploited.
Tech Note: Why does Mia become Mia/Lee?
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/29/2007This was an interesting screenplay, with a nice concept. The story is enjoyable in a sense that the plot keeps you hooked throughout. Your formatting needs to be much tighter, but that doesn’t distract from the story at the moment. Your characters, while interesting at times, seem undeveloped. They often sound the same and act the same. The action description is the strongest... This was an interesting screenplay, with a nice concept. The story is enjoyable in a sense that the plot keeps you hooked throughout. Your formatting needs to be much tighter, but that doesn’t distract from the story at the moment. Your characters, while interesting at times, seem undeveloped. They often sound the same and act the same. The action description is the strongest part of this screenplay, as it’s neat and precise. Never overwritten, The written language is unique and often interesting. Another good thing here is that there is a market for these type of genres, so with a little twicking here and there, and a stronger character development, you might very well have a marketable script. read
by Kathy H. on 06/23/2007I enjoyed reading this screenplay. I liked the action, the story, and the characters. Some scenes were especially intense, like when the test subject is brought in, to demonstrate what is certain to be the experiment that will end his life. The first time James' finds the photos and then his nose bleeds into the sink, you had my complete attention. I wish that I... I enjoyed reading this screenplay. I liked the action, the story, and the characters. Some scenes were especially intense, like when the test subject is brought in, to demonstrate what is certain to be the experiment that will end his life. The first time James' finds the photos and then his nose bleeds into the sink, you had my complete attention.
I wish that I could ask you if you are English or Canadian. You use some words in a way that seems to be very different than the way people use them in my neighborhood. That’s OK, but I’m not sure if it wouldn't be a distraction to a reader. It was a distraction for me, but I’m not sure that my opinion in this instance is the one to pay attention to. If you get this comment from more than one reader though, I’d consider re-writing certain passages. If you are not writing in a regional dialect, then I suspect these may be errors.
The first one that distracted me was your use of the word, “suited”. I know you meant, “dressed in a suit”, but (and I hope I’m not just being ignorant here), I’ve never seen that word used in this manner before. The only way I have read, “suited” used, is when it meant appropriate, correct for a purpose, or in Poker, when it means of the same suit. Another phrase that distracted me was, “parked up” (page 11). Where I live, the correct usage is, “parked”, as in, "The car was parked." I would have written, “woman in a white coat”, rather than, “white coated woman”. To me, “white coated woman”, sounds like a name given to a Native American character, in a Western flick. On page 37 you wrote, “James attempts to lever himself off the mattress.” I would have written, “James attempts to (roll, pull, push, propel ) himself off the mattress. I'm not sure, "lever", is the word you want to use here.
There were a few sentences that I thought contained words that people would not say. For example, on page 47, Clark says, “Besides - I need cover”, just after an AK-47 blast. I think it is more likely that he would say, “I need cover!”. On page 32, Mia says, “I need you to locate a series of important tender documents.” I think she would not use the word, “tender”, here. On page 31, Kelso should say, “may I”, instead of, “can I”. Anyone who has enough manners to make introductions in this way, would use the proper form. I don’t know if Guthrie, on page 50, would need to tell anyone what, “the basic principal of remote viewing”, is. If you need to use this line, you might think of moving it to a point earlier in the story, when remote viewing is being explained for the first time.
Page 15 contains a scene I think you might consider removing, where Hamilton’s driver relaxes in the limo. I think you made this point earlier in the script. I’d consider editing Clark’s statement about the resin gun on page 20, to be two sentences. I would remove the words, “which means it”. On page 30, I believe there is a type-o. James speaks, then Kelso does, then there is another entry by Kelso. I think it should read, “James“. On page 52, in the description of Subject A’s veins, I don’t understand the entry, “stand proud”.
I enjoyed reading this script. I really liked the premise. I think it needs to be edited for mistakes in logic and language. Otherwise, nice work. In it's present form, I don't think a studio head would consider it, but I think after a good polishing, he or she, might.
by dieslarae on 06/18/2007Overall, I liked the premise to the story and the overall plot line. Two quick observations: (1) The character headings differ from how people address the characters; it makes it difficult to remember who is who. Some of the character headings go by their last name, but people refer to them by their first, so that makes it difficult to keep up with who is who (mainly Guthrie,...
Overall, I liked the premise to the story and the overall plot line.
Two quick observations:
(1) The character headings differ from how people address the characters; it makes it difficult to remember who is who. Some of the character headings go by their last name, but people refer to them by their first, so that makes it difficult to keep up with who is who (mainly Guthrie, Hamilton, Kelso).
(2) Pg. 4 tires is misspelled.
The opening is very well done; nice misdirection. My negative comments concerning the opening is really only going to be nit-picking.
A few minor suggestions: possibly tone down Kyle’s demeanor a bit (only because he is in on the set up). I might not say they are very sober, only because they would probably act drunk (to add to the set up). Also, by lightening up Kyle and having them “act” as if they have been drinking adds more joviality to the scene—which you do very well with Martin. Lastly, I wouldn’t have them ask if he needs a ride, I would have them walk in the same direction and then have him scooped up (just make it that they have to go down an alley way or something). The asking for a ride might tip your hand just a bit too much (maybe not). This would eliminate the “move” line and make the pick up completely sudden (as opposed to a build to it.). These are all minor though, as I said; and perhaps just a matter of style. There are some things that I think you do very masterfully in the opening. In two moments you brilliantly add in your exposition: the phone conversation: that he doesn’t know the two people. And better yet: when he’s scooped up and Kyle says, “First you help us, then you die”. This is perfect timing, distract the audience and sneak in exposition. Also, the “help us” adds a gap, thus creating a desire for us to want to know. Even with my minor differences, it is still a very well crafted opening.
Page 6. James says he has a headache, and Emma responds that he always has headaches. I know you want to introduce the headaches as a side effect, but that kind of response from Emma seems odd. She clearly is a trained professional (at least as a guard), and she does to seem to have some personal acquaintance with him; it just seems like she would already know about the headaches and/or even the cause of the headaches. This is a minor issue, it does inform the audience, and I think it’s subtle enough to not be a major concern. However, here is something I would consider.
Emma picks up a t-shirt from the floor. Crosses to the window, pulls the curtains open: the room floods with light.
James pulls himself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing his temple. James screws his eyes shut.
James rubs his face: he looks tired, drawn.
Emma produces a bottle of aspirin from her pocket and tosses it to James.
James catches the bottle, like routine.
Anyway, it’s only a suggestion.
I like the way you’re going between James and the boardroom, but sometimes the boardroom dialogue feels a little too extended for me.
I’ll make some comments in brackets and then I will offer some suggestions. This is what you have:
INT. BOARDROOM – DAY
Back with Kelso and his colleagues.
The fourth operative in as many months – abducted and murdered. However you look at things, Patrick, the current situation has a certain inevitability about it.
[“Abducted and murdered” is unnecessary, you already brilliantly gave this exposition in Martin’s abduction. I’m not sure about the last line, it feels it should be sub-textual, but I am undecided.]
Kelso looks around the table.
Vision is a quality that all successful corporations possess, Michael - we have been lacking in it for some time now.
[I think this line could be condensed. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but the quicker the exchanges the less static the scenes]
The Sollis programme?
Kelso glances at his watch, pushes away from the table.
A full test regime is at least two years away, Patrick.
[unless it’s important, I wouldn’t commit to a specific time line, just says indicate that it’s a long way off. It just covers you against any continuity or minor plot issues.]
Kelso rises from his chair.
So - your recommendation is that we put the whole division on hold whilst we wait for new product to come on line? You’re going to have to do better than that, Michael.
Kelso walks toward the door.
I have a meeting in five minutes. Speak to Sollis – find out what he needs.
[The first line here seems to take away from Kelso’s authority. Maybe he should just give the order and way away? For the most part, the rest could be condensed].
INT. BOARDROOM – DAY
Back with Kelso and his colleagues.
The fourth operative in as many months. Feel’s like it’s all inevitable, doesn’t it?
Kelso waves the comment off.
We’ve just been lacking vision, Michael.
The Sollis programme?
Kelso glances at his watch, pushes away from the table.
That’s not feasible--
Kelso rises from his chair.
--What’s your alternative, Michael?
Guthrie sighs, just shaking his head. Kelso walks toward the door.
Speak to Sollis – find out what he needs.
Again, it’s just a suggestion. I would also reduce the dialogue in the boardroom scene on page 8-9.
The car - outside: the Bentley.
Although only periods and commas are necessary in dialogue, it’s still a nice dash/colon combination.
On page 16, I am not sure of Emma’s role, but I assume she is assigned to guard him. It seems odd that she would be the one to ask if the others are coming after him. Especially since just before she attributed the other deaths to not following the rules. It just seems more natural that a trained professional—I am assuming Emma is—would just conclude that James is next. Like I said, it feels like she’s a professional and her asking that seems to detract from her status of “trained guard.” I could be wrong though.
James hands the wad of tissues to Emma – the bleeding has stopped.
In three months time, I’m thirty – my contractual obligation to ConSec comes to an end.
[We already know this; it doesn’t seem necessary. Although I do think James’ attitude that you are painting is necessary, just not how he is expressing it in dialogue]
I’ve got some ideas.
Emma dumps the tissues in a waste paper bin.
What about ConSec?
What about them? When I go, this division will cease to exist.
James indicates the living room with a wave of his hand, grins.
They’ll have to sell all this for landfill or something.
What will Patrick do?
He’ll have to go and find another empire to build, won’t he?
[this exchange feels a little stiff. The scene and the feel that you want to convey is good, it’s simply the dialogue that’s not working for me here]
This is what occurred to me when reading it.
James hands the wad of tissues to Emma – the bleeding has stopped. James pauses, to take in his reflection. He rubs his hand across his face.
I’m almost thirty…I look like I’m fifty. In three months time, I’m thirty – my contractual obligation to ConSec comes to an end.
What would you like for your birthday?
James throws her a smile.
My contract will be up…that’s good enough for me
It just occurred to me, so I thought I would share it with you.
The Emma/James exchange on page 21-22 is too expositional for me. I don’t know how well, or for how long, these characters have known each other; but previous scenes leads me to believe that they have known each other for some time now—James does seem to open up, and she doesn’t treat their conversations in a professional detached manner. It just seems odd that he would pick this moment to say those things about his family. Also, such background information is only necessary if we need it later. You might be trying build in a background for your character, but many times such a thing is unnecessary (there are a lot of powerful movies where we know very little about a character’s past). What makes a character interesting are the choices they make given the dilemmas; not really purely informational aspects about them; unless we already have an attachment to those characters—it could draw empathy and/or empathy. The principal approach is to introduce this information right after a dramatic point in the story that drives these characters closer, usually in the second act mid point (giving him motivation why he chooses now to open up). Of course one isn’t obligated to any principles or formulas, but I would like to see James’ motivation turned up a bit more. Although the spot it is introduced is dramatic to the audience and Emma, it’s not dramatic to James—the one we need to pry open—because he knows that the commotion was caused by an accident. I know you want to contrast Emma and James’ family, and make them puzzle pieces for each other: I like that. I would just like to see it develop in stages, that is, it seems like it would be better delivered as a true sub-plot, with its own archs.
ConSec has made me a rich man. When my time here is up, that means I’ll have the money and the time to find out.
Assuming they find whoever’s killing your co-workers.
Yeah – there is that.
Good rebuttal by Emma, I like it. However, it does make we worry slightly that James seems unconcerned that he has to be next on the hit list. If it’s purposely done, that James is indifferent to this situation, then it seems his disposition should be more intensified early on. I’m not exactly sure how. And I could be completely wrong here. Also, you don’t need to keep telling us that he’s leaving ConSec. Rid yourself of these expositional lines, and Emma/James will feel more natural. But still, it feels like the whole Emma/James exchange here should maybe go somewhere else. Or better yet, disperse this information throughout. As you draw Emma and James closer, then reveal a little more. There’s a small opportunity on page 66 when they’re discussing the birth certificate.
I would shorten up some of the earlier scenes, or possibly eliminate some to get to James’ kidnapping sooner. Maybe some of the information in the boardroom scenes can be parceled out to the audience as the story progresses, thus eliminating some of those early scenes.
On page 38:
Where am I? Where’s Emma?
Where’s Emma seems a bit odd, given their relationship. I know you drew them pretty close, but it still feels odd that that is one of the first things he thinks of when coming to.
I realize that this a movie and we can/should suspend belief, but it is striking me that law enforcement has taken a heavier hand in these matters.
The page 40 Boardroom exchange seems excessively heavy handed in the exposition. I don’t mind the scene or its placement, just that it feels like it needs to be toned down just a bit. Easily fixable.
Page 73, Kelso’s office again feels excessive in the information given. But the story is keeping me going.
Sorry my comments got more and more dispersed, and in less detail; but the story itself did keep me reading, and not so much concerned with making notes. My suggestions to strengthen the script would be to interweave the sub plots more: James/Emma, and Guthrie’s reluctance has potential for a more dramatic sun plot, also I would like to see Abby worked in a bit more; she doesn’t have to make a physical appearance more, just her exitence. Gather all the “fact” of the story and attempt to show or layer them in more dramatic points (to disguise them) so you can eliminate some of the more expositional scenes. Otherwise, I think you have a good story to work with.
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/18/2007As I was reading this story there was something about it that seemed familiar. Not the story, but the style. I enjoyed it very much. This is a story where all the effort was put into the yarn. The other thing that was enjoyable was the dialogue. However, I must admit that I say that based on several previous (other) SP's read recently that can't get through a sentence... As I was reading this story there was something about it that seemed familiar. Not the story, but the style. I enjoyed it very much. This is a story where all the effort was put into the yarn.
The other thing that was enjoyable was the dialogue. However, I must admit that I say that based on several previous (other) SP's read recently that can't get through a sentence without some foul-mouthed anger. In this case everyone was an individual with their own distinct personality.
Anyway, in the end, it finally dawned on me that the style I was recognizing were all those summers at the beach reading Dean Koontz. Even though many may not be especially moved by science fiction, this story is viable enough to hold most people's interest.
Since I have almost absolutely no concern about formatting, etc. I don't ordinarily mention it. But, since others do believe the world revolves around tabs and margins let me throw this in. If you're using a Word or similar processor, you can use a combination of CNTRL and highlight for all the dialogue and then just bring in the right margin. One other note, well, just because: On page 34 I think you mean to use the word prostrate and not prostate. The latter being a sensitive and personal matter.
This was a story that moved along well. I think it would be fun to see this movie someday. Good Luck. read
by tarboy on 06/18/2007My job is to point out problem in your sp. That will help it sell one day. I will do my best. I would write, the HEADER should tell us where we are. INT. LONDON - BAR – NIGHT First, only write what the reader can see. How do you look, over-confident and very drunk? MARTIN RUSSELL (29) sits in a booth in a busy London bar, all mirrored surfaces and minimalism. Martin is... My job is to point out problem in your sp. That will help it sell one day. I will do my best.
I would write, the HEADER should tell us where we are.
INT. LONDON - BAR – NIGHT
First, only write what the reader can see. How do you look, over-confident and very drunk?
MARTIN RUSSELL (29) sits in a booth in a busy London bar, all mirrored surfaces and minimalism. Martin is expensively, casually dressed, over-confident. He is very drunk.
Grammar S on ups
Martin shuts his phone, picks ups his empty glass, waves it at Mia.
That’s mighty neighborly of you.
I believe this is wrong
in a lavish country house.
INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - BOARDROOM – DAY
Then you describe the room, what you may see out the windows. Paint a picture of the environment. Then tell the reader what the characters look like and what they are doing?
Eight characters in six pages.
There’s no going BACK in a sp
INT. BOARDROOM – DAY
Back with Kelso and his colleagues.
You job is to show us what happens at that moment.
INT. BOARDROOM – DAY
Kelso and his colleagues.
Too may words will hurt you sp. Get to the point and move on.
Typo S on find
James find his jeans, picks them up off the floor.
James picks up a pair of jeans off the floor.
When you look at Canty, what tells us he’s a ConSec Security Operative?
CANTY, a ConSec Security Operative, late 20’s, stands by the door, sub-machine gun held to his chest.
Otherwise he a large guy in a suit with a sub-machine gun held to his chest
I’m going to read Hamilton and Kelso meeting again.
I don’t care about procedures!
What’s on the table? Interesting
James, who looks down at the table.
What is “parked up”? we know the car isn’t moving
James has his back to the window where the Bentley can be seen, parked up.
Things don’t, BEGIN, AGAIN, START, CONTINUE… they happen!
James continues to look down at the table.
James looks down at the table.
Taps on what? The table. What’s on the table?
James TAPS on the table top with his fingers, nods his head to a silent beat.
It must be his mind? Interesting! Reminds me of SCANNERS, not good.
This is not a shooting script, you can’t us POV.
JAMES’ REMOTE POV
JAMES’ REMOTE POV
Various items are removed from the glove compartment of the Bentley: a mobile phone, CD’s, a digital camera, a packet of photographs.
JAMES’ REMOTE POV
A mobile phone, CD’s, a digital camera, a packet of photographs. are removed from the glove compartment
Typo S on open
The driver’s side of the Bentley open.
Where did the mobile phone, CD’s, a digital camera, a packet of photographs go? Did it all disappear? Those item where pulled out the glove compartment.
JAMES’ REMOTE POV
The Driver sits in the Bentley
Two pages of mistakes.
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - BATHROOM – DAY
James continues stares at his reflection as the blood drips down into the sink.
James stares at his reflection as the blood drips down into the sink.
James looks back at his reflection in the mirror.
James looks at his reflection in the mirror.
James looks away. His nose bleeds again.
James looks away, his nose bleeds
What kind of car?
INT. CAR - DAY
Kelso sits in the back of a chauffeur driven car that barrels down the driveway away from the country house..
Kelso is still in some pain, sits slumped in his seat.
Kelso is slumped in his seat.
James collapses back onto the mattress, exhausted.
James exhausted collapses onto the mattress,.
The sp could use more conflict but it well-written for the most part. Thank you and good luck! read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/18/2007This has a first script feel to it. Which isn't a bad thing. It's just a thing that there are some symptoms that will disappear as the writer learns the craft. I'll address these as I go. I will provide this review in machine gun fashion. Page 4 - Should end with Martin unconscious. it' has already been implied that he will wind up in thecar, so showing it is redundant... This has a first script feel to it. Which isn't a bad thing. It's just a thing that there are some symptoms that will disappear as the writer learns the craft. I'll address these as I go.
I will provide this review in machine gun fashion.
Page 4 - Should end with Martin unconscious. it' has already been implied that he will wind up in thecar, so showing it is redundant.
Page 7 - "Exterior of a large country house." This information should be given in the slug line.
This is something that happened throughout the screenplay. You have information in the slug line and then repeated as the first line of action description. Go through all of your slug lines and make sure they state where the action is to take place. And then eliminate all extrenuous descriptions that are redundant to that given information. Example:
EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
There is no need to tell us in description that the bathroom is in the country house (Page 14). Because we've already been told that in the slug above.
Again, this script is replete with this kind of error.
Spoken dialogue and names - Characters names are given in probably a quarter to a half of the dialogue. This sounds unnatural. As your characters are speaking to each other, they don't need to use each others names as often as it is here. Cut this down by fifty to seventy-five percent.
Page 18 - Again, I want to articulate this... "Mia stands in large derelect factory." Location should not be given in description this way. Do it this way...
INT. DERELICT FACTORY - DAY
Mia looks up to where the ceiling should be but only sees sky.
See what I mean?
Page 20 - James (OFF)
I have no idea what this is. Perhaps (O.S.)?
Which brings up (O.S.) - Too much. This device is used way too many times. Cut it down by at least fifty percent.
Page 26 - This is the 6th time we've been told James has only three months left. Which is about four times too many. I also noted this is mentioned later a number of times. Too many. Redundancy that needs to be eliminated.
Handling of sub machine guns - Didn't seem to be authentic to me. Security types don't "strap" them to their chests. They "sling" them over their shoulders.
Headquarters/James Home - Seems the guns are too evident. This is what security types call a secured location. Guards at the front gate. Guards on the grounds. It's secure. Supposedly anyway. Guns should be stowed away but available in case of emergency.
Page 34 - "Purloined gun aimed at James." This is redundant. We've already been told that the gun has been jammed in his neck. This is enough.
Security Operatives - A "operative" is a field agent. Perhaps "Security men" might be more appropriate for what their task is.
Pages 33-36 - Pace is too slow. These events should be moving at break neck spead.
"Somewhere within the factory a generator whines to life." Eliminate most of this. It's extrenuous information that can't be filmed.
Do it this way...
The HUM of a generator can be heard.
Page 49 - We know what the compound does to chimpanzees." No we don't. Tell or show us.
James "viewings." - They need to be structured just like the rest of the screenplay. The first one, small. The second, larger. The third, larger still. The last, HUGE.
Either larger in intensity, or in importance. But they need to rise with the action.
Page 51 - Shouldn't someone be "guiding" the prisoner in what he is "seeing?" Otherwise, it would make sense that he might see something random. And not just the numbers he's supposed to see. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Page 55 - Kelso dialogue should be (V.O.). Not (O.S.).
James home/comsec headquarters revisited. This is James home. He has lived there his entire life. He should maneuver around this place with ease. He should know every secret hiding place. He should know every secret passage. he should be best friends with the security guys that have seen him grow up from a youth. As it is, it seems he's a prisoner. At the very minimum, he should believe he's at home but in reality, he's a prisoner unknown to himself.
Page 77 - Again, with the slugs. I've mentioned this before and you should take a look at all slugs. This one example should be...
EXT. DESERTED AIRFIELD - DAY
And you can eliminate references to this in the description.
Page 83 - Kelso would not refer to uniformed soldier as "Sir." He's an executive and a soldier would be his inferior. He would call him "Soldier." As in "Soldier, take your seat, we're about to start."
Remove viewing - The possibilities need to be explored. For corporate espionage. Military espionage. Theft. Everything. And the abuses as well.
James longing for a family - This "need" needs to be planted in act one. Either overtly, or in the subtext. But this has to be part of what makes James tick from the very beginning.
A hole - Why can't James just use his abilities to learn the identity of his mother? In fact, given his ability, there should be nothing to stop him from learning just about anything he wants to lwarn. Find a way to close this hole. Find something that can "block" his abilities. Or create a limitation.
You've got an interresting idea here. There is a great deal of work that needs to be done before this will be a strong screenplay, but that's what hard work is for.
Best of luck with this.
All the Best,
Ken Richards read
by brettnr on 06/14/2007I want to say that this reminded me in some way of the Bourne Identity series, which is not a bad thing at all. I always enjoy openings when you know the ending or in fact the audience knows something the character doesn't, forcing you to put the pieces together and puzzle your way through the rest of the story. It was also good to open up the way you did because it obviously... I want to say that this reminded me in some way of the Bourne Identity series, which is not a bad thing at all. I always enjoy openings when you know the ending or in fact the audience knows something the character doesn't, forcing you to put the pieces together and puzzle your way through the rest of the story. It was also good to open up the way you did because it obviously hooked the read, even though I could get a sense that this was going to be headed somewhere drastic, such as stabbing someone in the neck with a syringe and dragging them into a car.
I'm more of a plot person and I really have no complaints. Everything at had continuity to it and there was no question about who were the bad guys or good guys, and you even added suspense with characters that you couldn't even tell which side they were coming from. As it concerns character, I definitely had a connection with Hooper. The fact that his life has been turned upside down and in a way stripped of him because of those evil, greedy organizations made me get a greater response from him. What I really liked about this is the fact that the dialogue was no over abundant. I know some scripts, especially those that are action oriented, have way too much dialogue but you cut and splice at the right times, making it perfectly coherent and telling the story through action rather than dialogue, although dialogue is not a bad thing at times. I haven't read the first draft, considering this is revised, but I would be curious to see the changes if I get the chance to read your other version. read
- Writer: Christopher Smith
- Uploaded by: Crustypup
- Length: 94 pages
- Genre: drama, mystery/suspense, sci-fi/fantasy
- This page one re-write was mostly inspired by comments received from TS reviewers against a previous draft. Many thanks to everyone who offered up great suggestions last time round - looking for more of the same!
- Bio: http://unfit-for-print.blogspot.com/
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