Reviews of DEATHFALL (Revised) 2

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  Haven't we been here before?
  A review of DEATHFALL (Revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/02/2005
  The basic premise of this story reminds me of a movie whose name escapes me right now. It starred Alex Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins and was about Baldwin trying to kill Hopkins because he was in love wuith Hopkins' wife. This has some variations on the same theme, but to me a lot of it did not make sense. Walt surviving the fall from the helicopter was difficult enough to swallow... The basic premise of this story reminds me of a movie whose name escapes me right now. It starred Alex Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins and was about Baldwin trying to kill Hopkins because he was in love wuith Hopkins' wife. This has some variations on the same theme, but to me a lot of it did not make sense. Walt surviving the fall from the helicopter was difficult enough to swallow. But even more hard to swallow was the behavior of Jeff and Laura after what was ostensibly an accidental fall from the helicopter. The tension after that seems artificial. The writing in general was not too bad, but you have a tendency to write things that can't be filmed. I suggest you start on a new concept because I do not think this one has much going for it. read
• 
  Feels like a smaller format
  A review of DEATHFALL (Revised)
  by durden7 on 05/24/2005
  As it is now, the subject of this story feels like a "Tales from the Crypt" episode. It's basically a tale about lust, jealousy, and lies. This is a reasonable goal, but currently, this piece seems to just sort of repeat itself. The event happens, and then the other characters head out to look and find nothing. Then they try again. Then again. It makes me wonder if enough... As it is now, the subject of this story feels like a "Tales from the Crypt" episode. It's basically a tale about lust, jealousy, and lies. This is a reasonable goal, but currently, this piece seems to just sort of repeat itself. The event happens, and then the other characters head out to look and find nothing. Then they try again. Then again.
  It makes me wonder if enough is going on to hold an audience for a full 1.5 hours. Not much new happens in their searches, and although the characters start to get frustrated... there's not much else going on. Hwo can they think that Walt is alive, and how can Walt figure out that they were trying to kill him? It was CLEARLY an accident. Why would he think this?
  I'm not sure if I believe this guy, whom I don't really like anyway, would first survive a fall like that... and if he had... I certainly don't care if he survives or not.
  I'm not sure about the motivation of the other characters too. It's clearly an accident.... then she's trying to cover it up right away? What for? Accident... he's dead. No one goes to jail. Then she's suddenly in love with the pilot. I don't like either one of them at this point, and don't feel they even have a connection with one another to make the love angle plausible. She mentioned something barely about her and her husband... and maybe she was a little unhappy... but she wasn't misrable... and though he's kind of a jerk, it's not enough for me to see her wanting to leave him.
  I don't feel Walt's voice-overs are helpful. They're distracting. I don't like Walt enough to want to get inside his head, and I expected the weather would've killed him over that first night, or his wounds, or the massive infection he would have from being punctured to insanely.
  You over describe in a ton of places, and say things that we cannot possibly know.
  P72. He slowly walks to the edge where he plans to climb down and holding one end tosses the other end with the branch attached over the edge. -- remember, you don't describe things that can't be filmed. "where he plans to climb down".... this cannot be filmed and is wasted space. All an audience can see, all a director can film is..."He slowly walks to the edge of the cliff and tosses one end of the rope over the edge." We can't see or film what is going on inside Walt's head. We can't know what he feels, we can't know what he hears. You can describe things that we hear, and describe situations or actions that make us think he's feeling a certain way.. but that's it.
  p18 "as much from fear and frustration as much as for sex." How do you film this? You can film the part of the sentence before this... but this part is unneeded.
  You forget to insert lots of "?" marks when people are asking questions. You should check the script for those.
  You've got all the right ideas for a script, I think, but currently there's not enough reality and variance in actions to propel a feature length story. I'd focus on act I first, and see what you can do do establish a rapport between these lovers, and figure out what to do with Walt. If he's a jerk, I don't want to see him survive. I have no sympathy for him yet... and all his talking to himself becomes obnoxious after a while.
  
  I don't sunderstand BUSCANDO. I get the need for his character to keep the players nervous, but I don't see why he's so curious. I guess I don't feel an officer would act wuite like this. He seems to be too curious, and I'm not sure why I'm feeling that.
  
  You misuse some words, and I don't understand others. look see, I believe, is "look-see". And you overuse this little phrase.
  p83 "seeping threw his shirt" you mean "through"
  p94 "have any troupers"... "troopers"
  P29 "her mons..." what's a mons? Her Mons Pubis? Such a rare word to use. I'm well read and I had to SEARCH to figure this one out. Maybe you could get a better description. Such a specific Anatomy reference will be lost on a lot of people.
  
  You use the passive voice in a lot of places. Passive is wordy and unneeded.
  p85 "As he looks around for a place to lay them out to dry he ...." should just be "He looks around."
  p99 "Sheriff Buscando is sitting" why not just , "The Sheriff sits..." read