Reviews of Deleted Scenes 5

• 
  The Angst Parade
  A review of Deleted Scenes
  by Michael Keller on 02/12/2009
  This script has a lot going for it and relatively few flaws. The characters are pitch perfect, the dialog is snappy and plot is entertaining. The story is very atmospheric and real, with plenty of great little moments and vignettes. The first act clips along quite briskly, but I hit my first speed bump around page 38. Of all the hundreds of people Sam knows, why would she... This script has a lot going for it and relatively few flaws. The characters are pitch perfect, the dialog is snappy and plot is entertaining. The story is very atmospheric and real, with plenty of great little moments and vignettes.
  
  The first act clips along quite briskly, but I hit my first speed bump around page 38. Of all the hundreds of people Sam knows, why would she chose to go with this kid whom she only met once? I know she addresses this concern later, but this scene doesn't ring true. It would never happen in real life, but you can make it believable in movie life if Lenny leaves a stronger impression on her earlier. He has to impart some kind of zen wisdom or something that resonates with her so strongly that she decides to go out on a limb and chose him. I'm not saying change his personality from flunky to master Yoda, but he has to leave her with something unique the first time they meet, and then something else must trigger the memory to motivate her to seek him out again later.
  
  My other minor concern is that there are a couple too many coincidences. Audiences will buy one or two, but more than that is distracting and takes us out of the story. I'd leave the jackpot in there because its meaningful on several levels, but Lenny running into Sam's relatives, and finding the same trucker as before taxes credibility. (BTW - Was the bag of t-shirts referenced in an earlier deleted scene?)
  
  I'm sure other people have already dog piled you about describing "unfilmables" in the scene descriptions, so I'll leave you alone about that.
  
  Now I don't have a lot of conviction on my last point, but I'll bring it up for you to consider. Sam isn't very sympathetic by the end, because she's like an emotional black hole that just sucks Lenny dry and leaves him hanging. She only takes and does not give (typical actress, I know...) I like that he was almost insulted by her kiss. But I feel that if not a more sincere apology, she may owe him a deeper thanks at the end of the story.
  
  Those are my 2 cents. Keep up the excellent work! read
• 
  Review: Deleted Scenes
  A review of Deleted Scenes
  by kiyotoe on 02/10/2009
  I think this is a great idea for a story but it needs to be flushed out a little bit more. I enjoy stories that avoid the cliche' romantic twists and storylines and I felt like this story fit that mold. However, one are athat I think could be improved is the beginning of the relationship between Sam and Lenny. It seems a little unrealistic that Sam would return to Starbucks... I think this is a great idea for a story but it needs to be flushed out a little bit more. I enjoy stories that avoid the cliche' romantic twists and storylines and I felt like this story fit that mold.
  
  However, one are athat I think could be improved is the beginning of the relationship between Sam and Lenny. It seems a little unrealistic that Sam would return to Starbucks to ask Lenny to take a road trip to Vegas just based off the minimal contact they had earlier in the story.
  
  Maybe if he had done something to endear himself to her like chase down someone who snatched her purse, or changed a flat tire or even maybe if he had said something endearing that she hadn't been used to hearing like "my mom really loved your show, we watched it together all the time before she died", I know that's corny but something that would stick out in her mind and endear him to her so that when she returns it doesn't seem so "crazy" and unbelievable.
  
  I think there were "directions" the story could have taken that would have added to the screenplay as a whole. Maybe if she had gotten closer to Devon while on the trip or shared more experiences than just the helicopter ride with Lenny and eventually through some "process" they would inevitably help each other through their respective "turmoil".
  
  There were minor things for instance on page 28. there was no character name for this dialogue..."and Greg's doing better." And on page 70 "She's the first person he's told about..." should be someone's dialogue, probably Lenny's instead of Action.
  
  There is potential for a very interesting story if the relationships between Lenny, Sam and Devon are explored a little more while in Vegas. I laughed several times so the humor is definitely there already.
  
  Good luck. read
• 
  Deleted Scenes review
  A review of Deleted Scenes
  by naomilamont on 02/09/2009
  First of all, well done. When I first started reading, I didn't think I was going to like the story, but you managed to suck me in and keep me there until the end. The way you introduce us to Sam's world and who she is through the talkshow voice over, then the talkshow itself was clever and engaging. I felt the story dragged a little after that (until Greg's car accident),... First of all, well done. When I first started reading, I didn't think I was going to like the story, but you managed to suck me in and keep me there until the end.
  
  The way you introduce us to Sam's world and who she is through the talkshow voice over, then the talkshow itself was clever and engaging.
  
  I felt the story dragged a little after that (until Greg's car accident), though I know you were introducing Sam's relationship with her husband and her friend Linda. I wonder though, if Sam is to be so affected by Greg's accident, if you should do a little more to make him a great husband. At the moment, he's quite flat with nothing special about him. It could just be one little thing he says or does that would reveal how much they care for each other that would make his accident have far more impact.
  
  The introduction of Lenny and Devon was well done. I think you have a little gem in Devon. He's definitely a stand-out and adds to the story. Lenny also was well done. He comes across as superficial at first, then you add layers to his character piece by piece as the story moves along, giving us the chance to see deeper into his character.
  
  I thought your scenes after Greg's car accident showing Sam's greif were really well done. I felt for her and although I didn't agree with her decision to abandon Greg and go to Vegas, I did understand it in context with her character and her distress over the thought that she was going to lose her husband.
  
  I'm not sure if you need Sam's premonitions of the accident. She never has another one about anything else, so they seem misplaced in this type of story, so that might be something to think about.
  
  I though all of the second act with Sam, Lenny and Devon in Vegas was quite good and certainly entertaining.
  
  The third act was also good. I loved that Sam's dad tricked her into thinking Greg wasn't going to make it so she'd tell Greg how she really felt. I really liked the ending with Lenny taking responsibility for his faults by giving Devon the money he won in Vegas, buying him a birthday present and finally taking him to visit their parents' graves. I think it's the perfect ending to this story. Well done!
  
  Below are just a few notes on the techinical aspects of screenwriting that jumped out at me. Hope it helps. Overall the script read quite well and was pretty free of errors. Your biggest fault is telling the reader things that can't be seen on the screen.
  
  Page 1: She's unhappy because she's awake - how can we see this on the screen? Maybe if you show her asleep to begin with, having a pleasant dream, a smile on her face, then show the difference when she's awakend by the alarm - then we can 'see' she's happy in dreamland, miserable awake.
  
  Try to avoid 'is' in your description. Example: Her husband, GREG LLOYD, 31, sleeps cocooned in a blanked next to her.
  
  Page 2: Your description of Sam's kitchen is overdone. Never use brackets to explain anything to the reader. If it can't be seen on the screen, it doesn't belong in the script.
  
  Page 3: For the description of Bonnie's talkshow, your first paragraph of the scene can't be seen on the screen. Maybe all you need is something like: Sam sits in the studio during the live recording of 'Bonnie', a struggling womens' talkshow.
  
  Your description of Bonnie is brilliant. We can see every detail! Love it.
  
  Page 4: JACK SILVER enters - is all you need, not 'walks on-screen'
  
  INT. SAM'S CAR
  
  How do we know she's driving back to Van Nuys? If we're inside her car, how can we see it's a gunmetal-blue BMW?
  
  All you need is: Sam drives hunched over the wheel, her concentration intense.
  
  If it's highly important to the story when her glasses are on or off, then keep that in. If not, drop it. Same with the music.
  
  Page 6: When you mention Greg in the pool, you just need: Sam, her husband Greg and LINDA BRAMBLE laugh in the pool.
  
  Because you've already introduced Greg, no caps are needed. I think it's okay that you remind us that Greg's her husband here. Also, how do we know it's after a day of filming?
  
  Further down the page, you've introduced Greg again. Only us CAPS when we first meet a character.
  
  Okay, I'll stop here as you just need to go through the script and eliminate all of things that can't be seen on the screen. Just doing that alone will improve your script dramatically.
  
  Best of luck and thanks for the enjoyable read.
  read
• 
  DELETED SCENES
  A review of Deleted Scenes
  by teo gonzalez on 02/09/2009
  I think that there is no doubt that DELETED SCENES is quite a ride. To me, personally, this script will pass to history for two reasons -one of them good, the other no so much. The good one is that it is clear you know how to make people laugh. You have an array of hilarious situations, and a good number of lines to quote. I like you characters. They are doubtlessly as weird... I think that there is no doubt that DELETED SCENES is quite a ride. To me, personally, this script will pass to history for two reasons -one of them good, the other no so much.
  
  The good one is that it is clear you know how to make people laugh. You have an array of hilarious situations, and a good number of lines to quote.
  
  I like you characters. They are doubtlessly as weird as the events against which they throw themselves. Someone could argue that the whole story is just too strange, too bizarre to be credible. Maybe that is true. But then, it also is true that everything that happens, and also the people to whom everything happens, is consistently strange and bizarre.
  
  To that respect, I would only point that Greg is way easy going. If things end up well on that end, or why thing do end up well on that end, is something that escapes me.
  
  Now, what I really would like to point to you, and I do it knowing that most likely everyone else that reviews or has reviewed your script will point, is that you have a ton and a half of descriptions that no one will ever be able to film.
  
  Take for example this paragraph from page two: “There’s little to indicate that Sam’s kitchen belongs to anyone in particular. Pans hang from hooks next to the refrigerator (where they were placed weeks ago). A cat calendar is taped to the wall (It’s June). A SMALL TV plays a re-run of a Cutco infomercial. All of the furnishings were bought in a single confused trip to the Home Depot.”
  
  I don't know how little is little to indicate that Sam’s kitchen belongs to anyone in particular, but, whatever it is, you should describe it in a way that we can see it..
  
  There is no way to show that the pans were hung from the hooks by the refrigerator weeks ago, unless you're willing to bore your audience to death with weeks of useless filming and projection. You should figure out a way to let us see what you tell us. We want to see it. We don't want it to be told to us.
  
  And finally, you can't show that all of the furnishings were bought in a single confused trip to the Home Depot unless you jump into a pickup with the camera and film the ride for us. Here also, you need to be able to show us what you tell us.
  
  I am sure that, if you find a way to show us DELETED SCENES, we'll like it. read
• 
  Deleted Reviews
  A review of Deleted Scenes
  by cclogg on 02/07/2009
  I had fun reading your script; I hope you find my review constructive... With some additional polishing I really think it has great potential! Synopsis: I like it, it tells us all we need to know... not overly long. My only complaint at this point (having not read the script and only read synopsis) is that if this movie was in theatres I would not go see it. Only if you had... I had fun reading your script; I hope you find my review constructive... With some additional polishing I really think it has great potential!
  Synopsis: I like it, it tells us all we need to know... not overly long. My only complaint at this point (having not read the script and only read synopsis) is that if this movie was in theatres I would not go see it. Only if you had really good stars / Oscar buzz... I might not be your audience though... it’s the same reason that studios have like 75% of their production as action movies and 25% as rest of genres.
  Anyway, onto the script...
  
  OPENING: page 1 seems okay... it’s not page-turning, eye-grabbing, intensely moving action... but it isn’t bad. I was really hoping for something more eventful to happen faster... but I guess that isn’t part of this movie’s pacing. (Although, you tricked me with the dreams in Sam’s head!)
  CHARACTERS: They’re unique, and introduced in a slow enough manner that you can remember them easily. My issue is with Sam. She’s semi-likeable at the start, and then throughout her sad-romp I lost touch with her altogether. Lenny becomes real likeable in my opinion. All of his talking etc. isn’t really that bad. He’s trying really hard to be nice and cool with her and she’s just being a you-know-what.
  DIALOGUE: For the most part it was quite good. Short and sweet. Some things are a bit out of place... like at the end, Sam’s dad saying: “Ok. Don’t fuck up again.”... What dads say that to their daughters after what she’s been through?
  PLOT: You do a lot of describing... e.g. he wears a blue sweatshirt etc... I think it would be easier just to cut out the exact descriptions and keep it briefer. “She wears a hoodie” is good vs. “She wears a red hoodie”. The structure is pretty good, I was, for the most part, interested as I read. It was an easy read which was good.
  ENDING: Wasn’t a good payoff for me. I just kept thinking... oh great the annoying Sam character turns nice now because her husband is awake. This husband that she loves so much... yet in the opening setup I don’t see “true” attraction... they appear more like 2 roommates. I do, however, like Lenny’s ending. He got to finally show his son some proper affection.
  OVERALL: It definitely has a good core idea. I think it needs some shuffling around though. It’s just hard to justify the premise if you think about it... if Sam/Greg were madly in love, and he had an accident... I don’t think she’d whisk away to Vegas with another man as an “out”. If Sam/Greg were in a dwindling relationship, and he had an accident... I think it would cause her to realize how much she loves him and therefore she won’t go away. In this story they appear to have a semi-loving relationship (they appear like roommates in the first 30 pages)... and she goes insane (therefore justifying the leaving with Lenny part)... which is fine, but then she’s unlikeable for most of act 2 and hence I didn’t feel any payoff when she got back to her husband. It’s a hard premise to work with... just throwing an idea out there (A drastic story change): What if Lenny is much more than smiles... and after her husband has the accident, and she’s moping in the coffee shop, he kidnaps her and cue act 2 (of her trying to escape/ get away from crazed Lenny)... this would give her a clear goal to make it back to her comatose husband. Anyway, enough of my random ideas, I think you should definitely read through the following notes, but make your own judgment. What I say/I’ve said is merely my opinion; use other reviewers’ notes before doing any hefty changes.
  
  NOTES:
  p.1 “...because she’s awake.” -> Good for the reader but how does an audience see this? You could take this out and just say “She has bags under her eyes.”
  p.1 Just considering the ages of the characters... good job. Most big stars are around or over 30... so there would be plenty to play the parts of SAM/GREG.
  p.1 “cocooned in a red blanket.” -> Does the red matter?
  p.1 Maybe replace Bonnie’s/Sam’s O.S.’s with V.O.’s... also it’s kind of confusing the way it’s set up... we have no idea what’s going on and who’s talking to who. Only on page 3 do we realize that it’s flash-forward dialogue. It’s fine like this for a movie audience, but for a reader it can be confusing (and lead to re-reading)... perhaps give some subtle indication that the talking is not really happening while she’s getting up.
  p.2 “There’s little to indicate that Sam’s kitchen belongs to
  anyone in particular. Pans hang from hooks next to the
  refrigerator (where they were placed weeks ago). A cat
  calendar is taped to the wall (It’s June). A SMALL TV plays a
  re-run of a Cutco infomercial. All of the furnishings were
  bought in a single confused trip to the Home Depot.” ->That’s a very long description in my opinion.
  p.4 “Sam’s car is a gunmetal-blue BMW Le Mans. She
  listens to music with the volume low.” -> Does the car matter? Is the fact that she has the music low important characterization or just you describing the scene? If it’s description you could cut it.
  p.5 Damn that would have been a nice opening... but instead it’s a day dream :( That crash really got me racing and it’s been by far the most interesting thing so far.
  p.6 “Sam, her husband
  GREG LLOYD and LINDA BRAMBLE” ->comma after LLOYD... also we already know Greg is her husband.
  p.6 “and an unnatural face” ->Does that mean heavily botoxed etc.?
  p.6 “She’s wearing a one-piece blue swimsuit.” ->Does this detail matter?
  p.10 Good Quattro joke haha.
  p.11 At this point I don’t see a real connection between Greg or Sam. He just makes jokes most of the time and shows no real love to her... is this what you were going for? If so then it’s good! But if not, at least make one of them closer to the other.
  p.12 Awe man again with the dream!
  p.13 “It’s freezing cold.” -> Remove this, we’ll understand it when she jumps out.
  p.18 Again their dialogue does not seem like a couples’... it seems like 2 friends of the same sex.
  p.21 “(note the quotations)” -> I saw them, take these parentheses out.
  p.21 “KYLE, his “best friend”
  (note the quotations), who is playing a furiously paced
  episode of World Of Warcraft at a clunky desktop computer
  covered in duplicate Nirvana stickers. Kyle wears skinny
  jeans and a V-neck T-shirt. He is listening to Joy Division
  as he plays.” -> I think you go into too much detail again.
  p.24 Does it matter that it’s a white Saturn? Does it matter what stuff he has specifically in his car?
  p.25 Finally the crash happened to someone... I like this point as it definitely holds your interest. So far the structure is good. Up to this point my only complaint is that I found it a bit boring (perhaps a lot of the over-description has to do with this...)
  p.30 “guy--the
  kind of guy who dyes his hair, wears work boots and owns a
  motorcycle, even if he doesn’t ride it.” ->We really don’t need this.
  p.30 Right now the story is very interesting (because of the crash)... but I’m not feeling her sadness mainly because of the way the relationship was constructed for first 30 pages. I saw no “true love” between them that would cause this sadness I guess... I mean sure if they’re relationship was getting worse it makes sense, but as a reader I’m not emotionally attached to feel this loss. If you intended for their relationship to be slightly dysfunctional I think you need to ramp it up. ITS VERY SAD seeing a spouse “die” in a relationship that isn’t “sweet and sound”... but their relationship was just like 2 friends as I said earlier.
  p.34 “The red blanket” -> Again this could just be blanket.
  p.35 “Do you want
  a sandwich? What do you want on it?” -> She doesn’t even wait to hear what sandwich SAM wants...
  p.37 Good return of the pie in the sky.
  p.39 Your structure is good up to this point (She meets Lenny early, car-crash turning point, and now she’s changing)... but I don’t know if the way it happens is 100% flawless... For her to be motivated to go to Vegas which she said she didn’t want to go to... I think her relationship with Greg needs to be less “friendly” and more “dysfunctional”. I just don’t like her right now... she is so “devastated” by Greg’s accident that she can barely think/move... yet she’s good to go for Vegas? Also how does Lenny not know that she’s married if she’s so famous? (celeb couples are always mostly known). If he does know then he hasn’t really made a point of it yet.
  p.41 “LENNY
  Listen: I need you to do this for
  me, Kyle. Because this is my Lord
  Of The Rings. This is my Frodo
  Baggins, and Samantha Wilson’s
  vagina is the dark lord Sauron.” -> haha I like this joke. But you say “this is” twice... maybe change it to “I’m Frodo Baggins”.
  p.42 “She would be
  disgusted if she were gusted to begin with.” -> This is very good novel writing, but, in my opinion, for screenplays keep it simpler.
  p.44 “SAM
  Why are you going to Las Vegas?
  He looks at Devon. Devon shrugs.
  LENNY
  Touche.” ->Almost seems wrapped up too easily... we’ll see...
  p.58 Finally he asks her... he waits until now? Seems weird. Also up to this point I really don’t like Sam. She didn’t seem in touch with her husband or at least very in love. And if their relationship was dysfunctional then I don’t really see why. You have SAM saying the relationship is like newlyweds in the interview... yet I don’t see the “love”. Sam is also a bitch to him about Vegas, and then is void of any dynamic from the accident till now.
  p.63 “The employee breathes heavily against Sam’s cheek and lets
  her lower lip rub against Sam’s neck.” -> Lesbian moment? At first I thought the employee was a guy when this happened. Only once before this do you mention the employee’s sex... and it isn’t that visible.
  p.70 “She’s the first person he’s told about this, besides Devon.
  Kyle doesn’t even know.” ->Audience can’t see that.
  p.70 I still feel like Sam’s personality is just a blob. While Lenny and Devon are so exciting, our protagonist isn’t that likeable. There is bad and likeable and good and likeable. I think you’re going for a bad kind of motif with her grief here... but she isn’t that likeable.
  p.71 “This is the most unhappy she will ever be in her life.” ->can’t see that. Show don’t tell.
  Also I think the shower-with-clothes-on-wet-scene has been done a bit too many times. I understand at this point that she’s really sad, and to deal with it she went on this long trip to Vegas... but she just isn’t likeable through this whole part at all. If I was watching this I’d be saying: “COME ON ALREADY AND GET A GRIP!”
  p.73 Haha it’s unlocked... good touch.
  p.73 “The water’s off.” ->We know it’s off because the sound of shower stopped in previous scene.
  p.75 “SAM
  I made a stupid mistake. I could
  have asked anybody else. I made a
  stupid mistake.” ->Uh I think the mistake was going to Vegas at all... why not stay at home with your loving family?
  p.78 Lol I like how she says Lenny and the guest has no idea... good job haha.
  p.79 “SAM
  Take the fucking ice cream, you
  little shit.” -> It’s hard to like Sam once again.
  p. 80-82: Man to me, Devon seems more of a grown-up than Sam. Actually throughout most of this script so far, he has seemed like a grown up. If that’s what you intended, kind of a... mature kid improperly raised... then kudos it worked really well.
  p.86 “CINDY
  I don’t buy it, and I think there’s
  something wrong with you abandoning
  your husband like this.” -> Cindy says it best.
  p. 89 “SAM
  I wish I could take his place.” ->Because she believes it’s her fault? Well it is... she was a bitch to Greg and he crashed. This is a great story but it makes the protagonist unlikeable.
  p.94 the payoff of this scene isn’t happening for me. It’s well constructed with her monologue and his re-awakening, but I didn’t feel their attachment at the beginning, I didn’t like Sam during the Vegas part (act 2), and now I’m just “meh” with this part.
  p.95 “LINDA
  Well, she’s back.” ->Well that’s great... except we had to sit through act 2 with the annoying Sam :(
  p.96 “She leans down and kisses him” -> Finally some stronger affection.
  p.98 “DEVON
  If you love her, then what are you
  doing here?” -> love[d]? read