An aldulturous husband kills his wife on the day they are to host their friends' engagement party.
HOW IT RATES
An eccentric millionaire arranges a scavenger hunt through Manhattan for young couples. The prize is an 8 carat diamond engagement ring. The winner must propose immediately.
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Reviews of Diamond Dash 33
by StynaETC on 09/01/2012There was very little about this script that I did not enjoy. In the beginning, I did find it slightly difficult to follow along with which character was which. I also feel like the reason the Commodore is putting on the Diamond Dash should be explained more in depth. And finally, I feel like Thornton should have some sort of resolve. The last we hear of him, he's being verbally... There was very little about this script that I did not enjoy. In the beginning, I did find it slightly difficult to follow along with which character was which. I also feel like the reason the Commodore is putting on the Diamond Dash should be explained more in depth. And finally, I feel like Thornton should have some sort of resolve. The last we hear of him, he's being verbally trampled on by Peter. I was really hoping to see him come out on top, at least in some small way.
With that being said, I very much enjoyed reading this script. I think the concept is wonderful and quite original. I think the characters react in very realistic ways to the tasks they are given. I found myself absolutely adoring Kane and Sadie, and I feel like I have to add that I actually had to stop reading for a good ten minutes after Kane's line "198MEH!" That was absolutely perfect, in my opinion, and I know it is one of those lines that will cross my mind in a few days and I will burst out laughing again. I think the comedic timing with most of the dialogue was wonderful. I also found myself wanting to punch Jonah's mother in the face... but I generally like having a character to despise.
Overall, I very much liked this script, and it wouldn't surprise me if I end up reading it again. read
by TChimi72 on 07/12/2012I don’t have a lot to say about this script as it is good. I found that it was a bit hard to get into at first, but once the action started I got through it rather quickly. I liked the characters, even Peter and would have liked some kind of resolution of his relationship with Netta. I liked how Kane and Sadie worked together and the idea of signing to him when he got too... I don’t have a lot to say about this script as it is good. I found that it was a bit hard to get into at first, but once the action started I got through it rather quickly. I liked the characters, even Peter and would have liked some kind of resolution of his relationship with Netta.
I liked how Kane and Sadie worked together and the idea of signing to him when he got too nervous was a great one. The scene with the envelope seemed to go on a bit long for me, but I know that you needed to get another Jack reference in there.
Is the Commodore’s place a townhouse or a mansion? I would pick one and stick with it. You have mansion in the headers and townhouse in the action.
There are some typos or words missed throughout the script so just take another look through and fix those.
I would like to have felt more hustle and bustle of the city in your scenes. The only one that I knew it was a busy city was when they were looking for the envelope. Traffic can be a great obstacle that you can use throughout the script in different ways.
Overall I think you have a good script here. read
by Mario Davis on 05/21/2011First off, I was amused with this story amidst all the romance. A few things to consider to make it a more solid story: The events or tasks the couples had to overcome didn't seem all that overbearing. I felt like the tasks were really just fillers to keep the story going. Maybe have more engaging or (for lack of a better word) traumatizing tasks. Like for instance, the lie... First off, I was amused with this story amidst all the romance. A few things to consider to make it a more solid story:
The events or tasks the couples had to overcome didn't seem all that overbearing. I felt like the tasks were really just fillers to keep the story going. Maybe have more engaging or (for lack of a better word) traumatizing tasks. Like for instance, the lie detector scene has a lot more going for it. Which is why I liked the electrocution scene a lot; to me it was hilarious and at the same time, built the bond between the couples or tore them apart. Take advantage.
The character, Peter. I'm sure all of us reading it can tell that he isn't a nice guy, but there was just too much effort in showing him that way. I think he can be a more enjoyable antagonist if his actions were more subtle.
It was really hard to find out who the protagonist was. I soon just thought that they all were just characters but near the end, you started to focus more on Kane and Sadie. I liked the couple a lot so you should explain early on that they are the main focus.
The endings you gave each couple didn't seem like they fit. Sure I understand ending on a happy note, but I didn't feel like it was time to give them a happy ending. I also wasn't expecting Reggie and Nat's story to end the way it did.
I still really did enjoy your script but with more tweaking, it can be even better. Well done. read
by 77kart on 05/17/2011Part 1: Running Notes p18. A lot of your dialog is totn. I withheld judgement - whether that’s bad or acceptable for your specific niche genre - until this point but, as of p18, it’s way totn. p18. You have too many characters. Consider consolidating. Or, introducing them so each person/couple is distinct. Example: LA Confidential. p18 & 19. Way too much dialog...
Part 1: Running Notes
p18. A lot of your dialog is totn. I withheld judgement - whether that’s bad or acceptable for your specific niche genre - until this point but, as of p18, it’s way totn.
p18. You have too many characters. Consider consolidating. Or, introducing them so each person/couple is distinct. Example: LA Confidential.
p18 & 19. Way too much dialog. This is film, not theater. Consider revealing the essence of the dialog VISUALLY!
p18. Who’s the protag? What’s his/her objective? What’s the central conflict?
p20. Who is the Commodore? Why is he creating this contest? What’s his motivation? Why is he putting up 100k?
p20. Obviously this is a chick flick. Perhaps, if well executed, a date flick. Any story that has marriage as the objective is such. Men don’t run TO marriage, they run away from it.
p20. I’m hoping there’s a time lock or event lock or pre-ponement of same to create tension in the story.
p20. Who the fu!#@$ is Kane, Peter, Kelly, Jonah, etc.? I know that you introduced them earlier but your intro was weak and un-compelling and hence I don’t remember them. They all look and sound alike. If I have to take notes to remember who’s who, it’s a minus to the clarity of your script. Consider studying scripts with multiple characters and emulating. Examples: LA Confidential, The Usual Suspects, The Hangover.
p21. Is the only motivation for these couples to engage in this contest the money? Greater motivation required. Hint: why did he pick these specific couples, as opposed to the others out there? Also, greater motivation means higher stakes.
p23. I still don’t know what genre this is. Is it romantic-comedy, adventure, drama, mystery? Hence, everything is confusing because I, the audience, don’t know how to react. Hint: your first scene(s) should establish the genre and tone. If it’s a comedy, tell a joke. If it’s a horror film, kill someone, shockingly. Examples: Jurassic Park, Jaws, The Godfather.
p29. Jonah arguing with Mom is silly and does not advance the story.
p31. Plot seems a lot like The Amazing Race or any scavenger hunt. IMO, stopping at Grant’s Tomb is weak. Consider creating a theme for the hunt and making the stops part of that. Example: earth, water, air, fire OR something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Better yet, something sophisticated and unpredictable and related to your theme. Naturally, there should be rising conflict and tension.
p40 Why does Peter steal wheelchair? Big loss of sympathy for Peter. I hope he loses.
p43 & 44. Abe and Doris just don’t work.
p53. Dialog incorrectly formatted.
p55. Characters are caricatures. No dimensionality. They don’t need to be Oskar Schindler but they need to be at least as compelling as the boys in The Hangover. Consider spending some time with them, a timeout, a waterhole scene [see The Writer’s Journey] to make them real.
p59. Kane and Sadie. I have no idea which couple (with which idiosyncrasies) this is. Consider consolidating your couples to three or even two and spending some time with them to make them sympathetic and rootable.
p62. OK, re: genre, I’m guessing you are shooting for comedy, like The Hangover. Otherwise, there’s no way you would get away with Timmy in bondage. If yes, try to establish said genre on p5. If not, … FREE TIMMY!
p70. They’re still at the day care center? The pace needs to pick up. And the conflict, as in rising conflict. Also, a raise in stakes would help.
p72. Just IMO but the Jewish guy with the overbearing mother is a cliche. I’m Jewish btw, so no anti-semitism is there. I’m only judging the freshness of the story. Why not make him Indian or an obnoxious Brit? Or her. Something fresh, something we haven’t seen 1000 times before.
p76. The eggs are confusing and, IMO, unnecessary.
p77. “That’s your chair.” Funny dialog.
p84. Why are these people letting themselves get electrocuted? Consider re-introducing the rules of the contest and the prize every 10 pages or so, otherwise we forget. On reality shows - The Amazing Race, Top Chef, Hell’s Kitchen - they frequently discuss the prize. Also, consider upping the prize, i.e., raising the stakes, late in the story. Story-telling device.
IMO, the story would be more interesting if the contestants knew each other up front. Maybe it’s three brothers plus their girls (e.g., The Brother’s McMullen). Or the other way around. That way, prior to the race, they know each other, have built in conflicts and attractions to each other. And you can dispense with the Commodore, who’s really superfluous to the story.
p98. Try not to restrict yourself to copywritten material (The Chorus Line), especially when it’s not essential to the story.
Part 2: Analysis
Despite all my negative comments, I think your concept has potential, may actually be strong if you execute it well. This can be a family picture if you create hero’s for Dad, Mom and kids.
Simplify. Narrow it to 3 couples, plus baggage (human or otherwise). Take the first 10 pages of the script to introduce them so they are distinct. Give them distinct stories, backgrounds and motivations. Hint: use their names in the dialog (subtly) a few times so the audience makes the association. Example: American Gangster: note how many times Frank and Richie are stated in the dialog in the first 10 pages.
Also, create questions for the audience: will couples a,b,c stay together? Wanting to know the answer to those questions is what keeps audiences in their seats.
For your genre, which seems to be light comedy, like The Hangover, your chars don’t need to be as well developed as Will Kane or Oskar Schindler. But they should at least be distinctive. Consider The Hangover. Each of the 4 guys on the road trip had a unique personality and motivation.
A few more twists and turns would really help. Plus, a big one for the climax.
A good first draft. Nice job! IMO, read successful scripts with similar stories and steal! read
by Magnet360 on 05/14/2011Very easy and fun read. I think you can work on the ending and have a clearly defined protagonist for the next draft. The First Fifteen Pages: This is an easy and efficient script to read. It’s all very straight forward and easy to understand. The mystery involving Commodore, leaves me wanting more -- why does he put on this Diamond Dash? All the couples are introduced quite... Very easy and fun read. I think you can work on the ending and have a clearly defined protagonist for the next draft.
The First Fifteen Pages:
This is an easy and efficient script to read. It’s all very straight forward and easy to understand. The mystery involving Commodore, leaves me wanting more -- why does he put on this Diamond Dash? All the couples are introduced quite well and they are all funny. It’s a nice idea to set them up as stereotypes so you can run jokes off their character and personality. The jokes are coming very quick and the script is wasting no time.
I really liked Commodore and Reagan. I also thought the Tourette’s / OCD couple were a stand out. I’m hoping you don’t hold back ( and go P.C.) on their problems. LOL. Why are they on a first date, when everyone else is already a couple?
I like the opening set-up. It’s a nice high-concept comedy. Very familiar like: It’s a mad, mad world, Cannonball Run; but, at the same time a new feel to it. This seems to have some thought behind it early, but I think the script never really capitalized on the concept.
In the second Act, around page 35, it starts to feel episodic; like a TV show. Are all the couples going to go to Grant’s Tomb, then the next clue we’ll also see each couple and how they achieve it? Is this going to be the movie for the next hour? It’s cute and entertaining, but feels a little dated.
Nice introduction to COMMODORE. Him and Reagan remind me of Mr. Burns and Smithers on The Simpsons. Good conflict right away with Monica, the script moves and gets to the point while introducing characters -- good stuff.
All the couples introduced are really funny. This is a nice set-up. The gold digger playboy, the unemployed ballerina, the guy with Tourette’s. It's all funny stuff.
At the party on page 20, the characters are becoming hard to remember. Can you put some description in the action lines to remind us? The girl with OCD fidgets with a pen, then a napkin as she glances around bored, plays with a coin, etc. Then when she talks we remember who she is. Maybe the Ballerina stretches out in a dance pose as she starts to cramp, etc.
Dialogue is pretty good all around.
P. 11 Can we hold hands? LOL. The Tourette / OCD couple are great.
P.19 The script is breaking out with large chunks of dialogue. Commodore is giving long speeches. Try to keep dialogue and action / description lines to 4 lines at max. Sometimes the script reads more like a stage play with all the dialogue.
The script seemed really sure of itself for the first 15 pages. Then it has a drop off in quality. Commodore’s motivation doesn’t make sense. He got married 13 times because he likes to get laid? Why doesn’t he just get hookers or gold diggers? He’s rich after all and can certainly “play the field” without getting married.
The motivation for the Diamond Dash is also dubious; what is he trying to prove exactly? I think the script can work this out better.
I like the idea of dueling philosophies. Commodore will try to prove Marriage is not a fairy tale; it’s a good idea, I think it can be delivered in a clearer fashion.
The script is very entertaining, but certain problems start to emerge by about page 25. First, and foremost, there is no clear Protagonist. This is too far in the script to just have a bunch of people running around. If I remember correctly, Burt Reynolds, was the protagonist in Cannonball Run. Usually we enter the world of a script from a protagonist so it becomes personal and we get emotionally involved. I guess this idea is coming to an end and my view of storytelling might be outdated, since I see less and less scripts with a protagonist. Seems like everyone prefers episodic TV writing, since that is dominating, you’re script is in good shape.
Also, the characters are never locked into their predicament. In many movies, the characters must move forward toward the goal, but here, they can just walk away at any time. If they don’t win, what happens; nothing? What are the stakes if they lose?
I would copy something and see how it works. I think this script can go two directions: Cannonball Run or Trading Places (which is Pygmalion, My Fair Lady, She’s all that, etc,) Have the Diamond Dash be the whole purpose, or, have the Millionaire Commodore play a game with a poor person, simply to prove a point. Like Trading places. You know your script best, add up the reviews on T.S.
I guess I’m a little “Old School”. I like a protagonist with a goal and plot points and obstacles that are particular to him/ her and change him/ her. The New TV writing which doesn’t have a clear protagonist and is episodic is very popular right now, so you would know better than me. Even critics are claiming that plot driven TV writing is better than movies.
To me, the motivations for the characters does not seem clear, but that can be easily cleared up in the next draft by choosing a protagonist and focusing the story on them.
P. 40 The lie detector test is a funny gag. LOL. It stayed with me.
I wanted more of the OCD / Tourette couple. Maybe make them the protagonists and start the script with them.
P. 43 ABRAHAM LINCOLN -- She’s a whore. LOL.
P. 48 Commodore -- I love cheaters, there is something very honest about them. I like the philosophy here, Commodore is an interesting character. Kind of a “Rouchefauld” aristocratic smart-ass type.
The jokes were pretty constant throughout, even up to the end. I laughed pretty regularly.
The ending was a bit of a let down. What was Commodore’s motivation and what did he prove? What was the point? What did we learn from Kane and Sadie? They liked each other in the beginning and they liked each other at the end; how did they change?
I would suggest starting the script with Kane and Sadie and having the plot points and obstacles directly pertain to them so they can arc and demonstrate the premise or theme of the story. See what other T.S. reviewers say.
It’s a mad, mad, world, Cannonball Run, My Fair Lady, Pygmalion (1938. One of the greatest movies ever.), She’s all that.
P. 1 FADE IN: goes flush left.
P. 1. MONICA -- I just don’t love you anymore. LOL. Nice opening, we’ve got problems already. Good stuff.
P. 19 You can’t have a character’s name at the end of a page: COMMODORE at the end of this page and then the dialogue is on the next page. Move this to the next page so it’s together. The script is also getting heavy in dialogue; we need more visuals and action / description lines. It’s becoming a bunch of talking heads.
P. 21 Jungle Fever. Harold and Maude. LOL. Nice jokes.
P. 45 Mill Basin. Brooklyn in the house. Let’s do this.
P. 47 Mrs Greenberg-- You know what I mean. LOL. I like the set-up of each character and then you can bounce jokes off their personality. Good stuff.
P. 52 Astoria. Lots of outer-borough shout outs. I like this writer; a real New Yorker.
P. 55 Sadid - Now I lost count. LOL. A bunch of nut cases, good stuff.
P. 57 The Shriner with the little kid is funny stuff.
P. 67 Minuets? Did you mean: minutes?
P. 67 Johah -- let’s untie him before child services come. LOL.
P. 78 Reminds me of the Ghostbusters scene, where the guy gets shocked during the tests.
P. 83 I have four scripts with “Bethesda Fountain” as a location. It’s going to be crowded at the fountain when all these scripts are filmed.
P. 96 Reggie -- I thing we learned (a) lot. Sp?
This is a little nit-picky, but I’m a big fan of THE END. Especially since your script ends exactly at the bottom of a page with FADE OUT. Maybe make it more clear that it’s over. The story seemed unresolved so I was looking for more pages.
Just my opinion for what it’s worth. Good luck with your script and the shark. read
by jenanan on 05/03/2011I think this has SO much potential to be really funny but it just didn't flow well or make sense a lot of the time. In my humble opinion... Pg. 1 – I think “sitting room” would go in the slug line. Use single spacing after each sentence, not double spacing. You might want to include Reagan’s intro when you include Commodore – it might make Commodore look more important as... I think this has SO much potential to be really funny but it just didn't flow well or make sense a lot of the time. In my humble opinion...
Pg. 1 – I think “sitting room” would go in the slug line.
Use single spacing after each sentence, not double spacing.
You might want to include Reagan’s intro when you include Commodore – it might make Commodore look more important as he smokes on his pipe.
Pg. 2 – If Reagan is standing at attention, it almost seems like Commodore would direct him to retrieve the divorce papers.
Pg. 3 – If Commodore is so refined, it seems like he’d use different dialogue than “her her…” I’m sure you could find a different way to reword that.
Pg. 4 – By this point, I’m questioning why Commodore hasn’t questioned Monica on the fact she brought up divorce but then acted hesitant about signing the paperwork.
Pg. 5 – What is looking late 180’s? Like her skin is gone and we can see her skull?
Pg. 6 – Why would Peter answer him but then say it’s none of Reagan’s business.
Pg. 11 - I’d rather SEE a little bit of Sadie’s OCD. I’ve heard sometimes OCD people will walk around a person a certain number of times before stopping to talk to them. I don’t know if that is true, but it is just an example.
Pg. 13 – TYPO: Kane says “I guess he thought was…” I think you forget “I” in there.
Pg. 15 – “The Commodore never lies when marriage is involved.” I know this is a comedy, but already this seems like a joke and near hypocritical statement considering a few of the couples he picked out. Unless the story unfolds, and there is some reason he picked out a man wanting an old woman’s money and two young adults that have just met… well, I’m just not that interested in it at this point. Mysteriousness… maybe. Logic? Not really.
And why would Jonah’s mom be there? Maybe you should include a reason for that if the invitation was only for the couples.
Pg. 21 – “Are you two running…” should end with a ?
Pg. 25 – When they get in the cab, the slug line should change to reflect that.
Why is a ride waiting for Peter and Netta but no one else?
Pg. 27 – Um, they get there awfully quick.
Pg. 32 – The explanation of the tomb is getting redundant.
Pg. 33 – And if Netta has fifty million dollars then the prize for this diamond dash seems like NOTHING compared to her worth. Where is the motivation to even be in the contest then?
pg. 37 – You should pick a different chorus line than what was in “Land of the Lost.”
Pg. 44 – Why does Keely say “Hello no” when asked her birth year. And wouldn’t the professor insist she answer since it IS a lie detector test?
Pg. 46 – And considering Mrs. Greenberg seems to not like Keely, it seems more like she would intrude and ask the questions that might be hard or would lure Keely into a lie… instead of her arguing with the Professor.
Pg. 48 – We need Intercut or (V.O.) for Commodore since he isn’t actually there.
Pg. 49 – TYPO: “Keely and…”
Pg. 52 – So the professor already has the answer to his questions?
Pg. 53 – The same slug line shouldn’t appear twice in a row. If it is LATER, just put later.
Pg. 56 – It’s hard to believe that Mrs. Greenberg would willingly step aside.
Pg. 59 – If he had a driver all along, then what was the need to steal a wheelchair?
Pg. 62 – Binding a kid to a chair with a rubber bone in his mouth teaches good parenthood?
Pg. 83 – So is Mrs. Greenberg outside the townhouse while Keely and Jonah are inside? The structure of the scene and the slug line leaves me confused on this.
Pg. 86 – Should be “… notices Kane waiting in line.”
At the end, nothing really rang true. I honestly did not laugh once.
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/01/2011I like your concept very much. The competition fosters conflict and puts pressure on all the couples – not all of them are planning to get engaged today, especially Kane and Sadie, whose first date this is. The three pairs of couples all arc over the course of the story which I liked. All the characters are well written. Kane and Sadie stand out the most, Jonah/Keely and...
I like your concept very much. The competition fosters conflict and puts pressure on all the couples – not all of them are planning to get engaged today, especially Kane and Sadie, whose first date this is.
The three pairs of couples all arc over the course of the story which I liked.
All the characters are well written. Kane and Sadie stand out the most, Jonah/Keely and Reggie/Natalie blur into each other a little sometimes, especially after Jonah’s mother leaves the scene. I think this is because Keely and Natalie are both frequently angry with their other halves and have to tell them to man up. Peter of course is in a league of his own.
Kane and Sadie start out as blind daters only to win and get engaged (great last line by the way). Keely and Jonah probably experience the most conflict over Act 2 but reconcile - Jonah is a well painted mummy’s boy which was funny. And the perfect couple at the start finish up pretty much split at the end. Kudos for that.
Kane’s alter ego ‘Jack’ the drug dealer didn’t get explored in great depth and felt a little tacked on. Exploring this further could make things even more interesting.
Peter is more one note and I would like to see more darkness from him. You do a good job of setting him up and showing us who he is through what he does, but he feels a little cartoonish. Even for a comedy, I had a hard time seeing him come back from the smackdown he gets from Natalie, which is far more brutal than his final comeuppance at the fountain. How did he get out of the incident with the cop for that matter?
These are small points to be fair. It’s all a matter of tone and how dark you want to go in Act 2 (I like the idea of some darkness in a comedy).
The main bone of contention I have is what is at stake in Act 2? It is not the goal of all the couples to get married at the beginning, so I don’t see a point of no return for any of them. The pressure the diamond dash puts on them all is what causes all of their relationship problems, so why don’t any of them choose to back out? Characters will always look for the easiest way out and this should be the spine of any ‘third sequence’ or first quarter of Act 2. Even Peter, desperate to win, cheating and screwing over his fellow contestants, has got his hooks into a lady for 50 million. Does he need that 8 carat stone? Surely the most important thing in his life is Netta? He puts her in some major jeopardy over the course of the story.
I want to know why the Commodore sets up this contest and what’s in it for him. Seems like an eccentric reaction to the dissolution of his (latest) marriage. Perhaps he knows somehow that if a couple can get through his competition they might have a shot of lasting longer than any of his marriages? He seems a little unapologetic about his long list of conquests though.
I liked the way you used multiple couples and the way they had their own storylines. I think mixing things up a bit and forcing inter couple alliances would make Act 2 even more interesting, pairing someone with their worst enemy. I would have liked to have seen one person get together with someone from another couple.
It was a brisk, easy read, with well observed, witty humour – impressive considering a lot of it comes from Tourettes, OCD and senility. It was well paced and felt effortless. Very marketable concept. I was very impressed.
by bradthebloke on 04/24/2011I felt this was a good read and a rather original script. I thought most of your characters had good arcs and I loved Netta for the comedy. Peter was a bad guy but in a good way. I got a kick out of him too. One thing I noticed was I found I wasnt that interested in what was going on with Reggie and Natalie. maybe tighten them up more or something? I found it to be a fun... I felt this was a good read and a rather original script. I thought most of your characters had good arcs and I loved Netta for the comedy. Peter was a bad guy but in a good way. I got a kick out of him too. One thing I noticed was I found I wasnt that interested in what was going on with Reggie and Natalie. maybe tighten them up more or something? I found it to be a fun story but it kind of came apart for me when they got to the electricity test. Seemed a little silly and I sort of lost interest from there on out. but hey, thats just one guys opinion. Everything else is great and you have a good two thirds of a movie. good luck read
by Danny007 on 04/23/2011This was such a great story. I loved it. The idea for this screenplay was creative and kept me reading until the end. The characters were described very well and had unique differences and personalities. The dialogue was very believable and made perfect sense. It was a fun read with a good sense of humor. At points I even found myself biting my nails wondering what would happen... This was such a great story. I loved it. The idea for this screenplay was creative and kept me reading until the end. The characters were described very well and had unique differences and personalities. The dialogue was very believable and made perfect sense.
It was a fun read with a good sense of humor. At points I even found myself biting my nails wondering what would happen next. I was anticipating the ending the whole time, wondering who would win. Even though I was hoping Jonah and Keely would win, I was happy with the ending.
Here is a list of small mistakes I found while reading Diamond Dash:
If you just sign here and here? Oh, and right up here? And the date right here.
- I don't think the Commodore is asking questions in this dialogue so you can replace the question marks with periods.
Seated there on finely upholstered chairs are Natalie and Reggie, Peter and Netta and Keely and Jonah with Mrs.Greenberg at their side. All of the guests look up at the pair curiously a they arrive.
- In the last line you need to add an "s" after the "a" so it says "as"
I guess he thought was someone else.
- "I guess he thought "I" was someone else.
I'm not too sure he's for real?
- Change the question mark to a period.
Have Jonah's mom get into the cab as well.
They’re not centered. Look at them. They all scattered around all off to the side. And someone
threw their egg on it! How can they just leave it like that?
- It should be "They're all scattered..."
Page 36 and Page 39
In our high school musical I played Bebe. I wanted to be Cassie but Diane Palmeadow was.
Page 36 and Page 39
Screw Dianne Palmeadow.
- On these two pages you spell "Diane" differently. Just chose if you want the name to have one "n" or two in the name.
There's video of people doing that, actually.
- It should be "videos"
EXT. LAB BUILDING - DAY
Keely and exits the lab building, Jonah and Mrs. Greenberg trailing behind.
- Leave out the word "and" so it makes sense.
Just stop at a hospital on the way to whereever you’re going and drop me off.
- There is only one "e" in "wherever"
He sees he careening backwards at a good clip down the hill behind him.
- He sees "her"...
She picks the glass up and tries the rub off a spot.
- and tries "to" rub off...
It's just not aligned right to the edge of the table. That doesn't drive you crazy?
Let's just proceed with the questions.
- Here you made a mistake where you made Sadie's dialogue an action/slugline.
What? We have to take the cab, here’s no other good way to get to the East Side.
- the cab, "there's" no other...
We have black lady that cleans our house and a black guy that drives our car.
- We have "a" black lady...
Just stop talking. For ten minuets don't crap on me, is that so hard?
- For ten "minutes" don't...
I don't know what kind of person ties up a little girl and shoves a dog bone in her mouth. I think there’s something wrong with the both of you!
- Didn't Jonah and Keely tie up a boy named Timmy? If so then you need to have Mrs. Greenberg say "little boy"
- I think you need to change the period to a question mark
EXT. 2ND AVE - DAY
Nat and Reggie leave the Doggy Day Care and rush onto the busy street.
- "Natalie" and Reggie...
Now, in the back of each of these boxes is a button. The box for your right hand is filled with nightcrawlers. The box over there for your left hand? Those happy little boys are maggots. And you know about the cockroaches. Now, what's going to happen is, for one minute, we're going to pump your friend here through with electricity.
- Third line, at the end of the sentence, replace the question mark with a comma and make the "t" in "Those" lowercase.
As he fiddles with the sleeves, he does not notice as Sadie exit the coffee shop.
- as Sadie "exits" the coffee shop
Tell me where the finish line is and I’ll give our bag back.
- I'll give "your" bag back.
Sadie looks behind her warily, unable to stop the chair's momentum as she creeps down the slope of the plaza towards an open break in the wall the falls directly into the lake beyond.
- break in the wall "that" falls directly...
Reggie and Natalie half heartedly make their across the plaza towards the fountain. When they arrive, they stop and watch the scene instead of jumping in.
- Add the word "way" after "their" in the first sentence.
Jonah looks across the plaza at the Commodore as he presents Mrs. Greenberg with red rose. She takes it, blushing.
- Mrs. Greenberg with "a" red rose.
Lastly, I want to thank you for putting this screenplay on Triggerstreet. I'm so happy I got to read this. I look forward to reading your next screenplay.
by WitStream on 04/23/2011I enjoyed reading this in basically one sitting. It had me quite interested in what was going to happen next, and was very well-written. You have one hell of an imagination, that's for sure. As I am wont to do, I make running notes of specific grammatical problems that you need to correct. They are as follows: Page 1) You might mention the gender of Reagan. I thought... I enjoyed reading this in basically one sitting. It had me quite interested in what was going to happen next, and was very well-written. You have one hell of an imagination, that's for sure.
As I am wont to do, I make running notes of specific grammatical problems that you need to correct. They are as follows:
Page 1) You might mention the gender of Reagan. I thought the character was a mistress for a minute...
3) Colon after about. i.e. before a quotation. "what about: "until death do us part." This seems to be a recurring error that you may want to fix.
6) There is another continuing error regarding a lack of hyphens. Should be: "identical-looking" envelope. "Well-fed; bug-eyed; kind-faced; weathered-looking", etc.
9) "Hello down there." If Kane is standing, why is Sadie looking down on him?
18) "But make no mistake, (colon, not comma). Hyphen for "ill formed".
21) "Hey, are you two running?"
22) Underline IF for emphasis, as opposed to capitalizing.
23) If you mean the Popeye reference, it's "Olive Oyl".
23) The Commodore poem needs periods.
35) "let's" doesn't require an apostrophe.
44) The slug line says "lab room", so you don't have to repeat it in the next line.
49) Not sure "Babe" needs to capitalized. Also, there needs to be a period after babe, not a comma.
49) Just as an aside: both Bush twins are hot.
51) Typo: "he" should be "her".
59) You might want to work more on what happened when the wheelchair rolled away. We just abruptly see that he caught up to it. Just a thought.
62) The word is "unfazed".
Thornton sould be introduced as a black man when he is revealed, we shouldn't have it implied later.
71) Pretty sure Natalie is pissed and annoyed, which isn't "unbridled intrigue".
71) Mrs. Greenberg is commenting about a little girl, when in fact is was a little boy, no?
71) The following sentence is a disaster you should re-write:
"Is there a school letting out and you
want first pick the best kid to
practice your mothering skills with some more?"
73) There's an extra line space after "Hi Jack!"
74) You don't change a character's name, like Natalie to Nat unless it's in dialogue.
74) Wait...how was the incident with Peter and the cop resolved?
75) "haitian maid" is misspelled.
How does logic allow Peter to skip tests and merely obtain an egg? He can't win if he doesn't complete all the challenges, right?
89) Another sentence that needs re-writing:
Peter rips Sadie’s bag away as she stops struggling frowns at him in the back of the car.
95) That was THAT falls directly...?
96) Make their WAY across the plaza.
You may want to add THE END at the end.
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