Two Foreign Legion Paratroopers compete for the same French nurse, then fight for their lives, while a beautiful... more
HOW IT RATES
A group of kids, lost in repetitive boredom, discover the punk rock music scene. How it changes their life will mold them forever, but it's still unclear whether that's a good thing. Dogwood has a lot of strong language along with violence and sexual situations, be prepared.
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Reviews of Dogwood 5
by PacificBeast on 03/07/2011Being a lover of all that is punk, I enjoyed this screenplay because there was a lot of truth to it. On the other hand, there were moments that killed it for me too. The biggest is toward the end when you write something about Jen being part ninja, total buzz kill. There are a few spelling mistakes and some sentences that could be made better but overall, it's a good start... Being a lover of all that is punk, I enjoyed this screenplay because there was a lot of truth to it. On the other hand, there were moments that killed it for me too. The biggest is toward the end when you write something about Jen being part ninja, total buzz kill. There are a few spelling mistakes and some sentences that could be made better but overall, it's a good start. I think with some changes it could be a profound and even moving piece of work. I can see this being a drama with wit and sarcasm sprinkled in; something a lot of people could probably relate to. I like how you flow through the years but keep the characters strong and the settings familiar. Like I said, good start, but not there yet. read
by mcbrainder on 02/20/2011we see page 2: convenient store: convenience store The sprint: they sprint page 4: hime:him (in case you haven't figured out my formula: what you wrote:what you meant/should've written. page 7: ant:and page 8: interrups: interupts page 24: What did you do to your hair--needs the question mark page 38: will:well page 39: how about you do some rehearsing line needs a... we see
page 2: convenient store: convenience store
The sprint: they sprint
page 4: hime:him (in case you haven't figured out my formula: what you wrote:what you meant/should've written.
page 7: ant:and
page 8: interrups: interupts
page 24: What did you do to your hair--needs the question mark
page 38: will:well
page 39: how about you do some rehearsing line needs a question mark.
page 40: abou: about
page 42: b:by
page 46: I'lll:I'll and though:thought
page 48: regogniable: recognizable
page 55: come: cum
page 66: tel: tell
page 68: how long with the cast, needs a question mark
it has been awhile, hasn't it, needs a question mark
page 70: yo: you
page 72: though: thought
You have a lot of characters and I'm not having trouble, but there are some you don't need to name. Gary the tattoo artist is a good example. You never use his name, so he doesn't need a name, and shouldn't have one because he's so minor. Tattoo artist is all he needs to be.
page 82: an staine: a stained
Ed and Chauncey are another good example. Especially this late in the script...no need to introduce new names.
page 93: What is their problem, needs the question mark
page 94: vidoe: video
Onto my review:
I enjoyed this script for the most part. The typos definitely need to be fixed and are probably the biggest setback for you.
Other things I felt could be better:
Not sure you need a narrator, though the dialogue is great. Just not sure you need it.
You sometimes were over-descriptive. Some of that should be left for the director/actors. An example would be when Jennifer and Mom are smoking together. You broke up the dialogue just to tell us each time they inhaled. It seemed unnecessary and slowed the read down.
I thought the flashbacks of the most punk thing anyone's seen were great, but late in the script. It seems like in the end, you were trying to show in a way how legendary Ryan had just become by his "kick heard around the scene", and it almost feels like that should come full circle to the most punk thing anyone's seen. I assumed that's what you were trying to do, and if this is the case, the earlier conversation would be much more effective much earlier in the script. That's just my opinion though.
I wasn't sure where you were going overall, but after finishing, I really don't think you should do anything differently. There were a lot of characters, but the dialogue was spot on and their personalities were easy to read. This wouldn't appeal to everyone, and the plot is somewhat watered down, but I'm not so sure this needs to be anything other than what it is: a shoutout to punk. You captured the times well and I liked how thoughtful you were about sprinkling events from the time period throughout. I also thought you wrote a subject that you were knowledgable about which made it more enjoyable.
I don't have much to say beyond that. I think you did a pretty good job with this, but I should definitely remind you (and I'm sure you've heard this) that typos as extensive as they are in your script, can serve as a fatal flaw. It's definitely something you should look at fixing because you're very talented and it would most certainly suck if something like typos stopped someone from completing this.
Thanks for the enjoyable read and best of luck to you in the future. read
by olavay on 02/19/2011p. 2 revise, "A fat kid runs down the street. A dog is chasing him." too narrative consider "A dog chases a fat kid running down the street." p. 3 nice NARRATOR (CONT’D) And it would become part of them. It would help mold who they were. It would help define what they were becoming. p. 3+ give Ryan's age, "RYAN" in introduction and relationship to Joe. give Marc's age,... p. 2 revise, "A fat kid runs down the street. A dog is chasing him." too narrative
"A dog chases a fat kid running down the street."
p. 3 nice
And it would become part of them.
It would help mold who they were.
It would help define what they were
give Ryan's age, "RYAN" in introduction and relationship to Joe.
give Marc's age, "MARC" in introduction and relationship to Joe.
typo, "hime" s/b "him"
give BRIAN's age, "BRIAN" in introduction and relationship to Joe.
p. 7 grammatical, revise, "Marc head" s/b "Marc heads"
revise, "MOM is sitting on the couch, watching a game show."
consider, "MOM (age) sits on the couch watching a game show on TV."
remove "As" in "As Marc", grammatical run-on
p. 8 typo, "interrups" s/b "interrupts"
p. 12 remove extra line spaces in dialogue
Tom, this is the guy I was telling
Ryan, this is Tom.
Shake hands, be friends, play nice.
Where’s your brothers?
p. 14 revise, grammatical narrative
"The copy shop is empty, except for an attendant hard at sleep behind the counter and Erik, Ryan and Tom crowded around a copier."
"The copy shop is empty except for a sleeping attendant manning the register. Erik, Ryan and Tom crowd around a public copier."
p. 15 grammatical, "eunuch" s/b "Eunuch"
p. 18 remove, "and is obviously" unnecessary description
p. 18+ remove extra line space in dialogue
Erik, not surprisingly, had
catapulted to stardom by the end of
In fact, we were all celebrities to
some degree. We just didn’t know
what that meant.
p. 20 typo, "stars" s/b "starts"
p. 21+ remove parentheticals indicate via action sequence
p. 27 grammatical, remove extra character space
p. 29 misspelling, "cannible" s/b "cannibal"
p. 45 grammatical, "you thingy" s/b "your thingy"
p. 51 grammatical, "sets up" s/b "sits up"
p. 70 grammatical, "yo" s/b "you"
p. 81 typo, "Cant" s/b "Can't"
p. 94 typo, "vidoe" s/b "video"
A well crafted coming of age story of kids coming up in the 80's forming a kick ass "hardcore" punk band. Bring out the plot line faster so we can know where the story is headed. Otherwise, it reads more like a television show or series.
Thank you and Good Luck. read
by TravisRLemke on 02/19/2011First off. Nice work, be warned that so called experts will bitch about the story structure, telling you your characters need clearer goals and motivations, not understanding that kids like this don't have any (to an extent). I really apprectiatethe awesome realism of the characters and their dialogue, and think this willmake a good indie film (comparison's to SLC Punk d 24... First off. Nice work, be warned that so called experts will bitch about the story structure, telling you your characters need clearer goals and motivations, not understanding that kids
like this don't have any (to an extent). I really apprectiatethe awesome realism of the characters and their dialogue, and think this willmake a good indie film (comparison's to SLC Punk d 24 Hour party people are inevitable)
Speaking of those films, it might be a good
idea to check out those scripts to see where
the major plot points and turns occur and then
try to match that somewhat. Even if the plot
points don't fall in the same place, you need to
be able to explain them so be ready for that. A good book called Save the Cat by Blake Snyder (if you haven't already read it) is essential to understanding beats and where certain events "need" to happen.
I jotted down page numbers that had typo's, it's at the endof this review. Thanks for the read. I really enjoyed it and with some tightening up it could get produced in my opinion. Here's a couple things I'm sure industry people will tell you to do -
First off, establish right away that the Narrator is Ryan and don't intro him as fat kid, go ahead and let us know he's RYAN. You'll likely be told there's not a clear enough main character and that Ryan has to be more central to the action/drama, though I personally like stories where it's about the scene as much as one persons story.
Second, speed up the pace through the first thirty pages, and between pages 65 to 75. And/or give us more conflict/emotional insight/drama. Just when things start to heat up they fade away instead of burning out.
Third, this is a personal story and that's great but you're going to be encouraged to embellish the truth with either more action or more emotional stakes. You may also hear the suggestion to make Ryan more central to some of the other drama (ex. having him central to the Rick conflict instead of Tom)
That's all I got for you, man. Thanks again. I really dug it and wish you the best of luck. Here's the page numbers I noticed had typo's.
41, 46, 53, 93 - there were a handful more, but I didn't get them all jotted down. sorry.
by JasonDiggy on 02/14/2011Hi Jericho, I like your SP. You have something here. The strengths of your writing are the attention you pay to details, and the realistic characters you’ve created. The SP reaks of “insider knowledge” of the sk8-punk scene. I have a few issues, one of which is the dialogue when the boys are twelve. It does not seem realistic at all for twelve-year-olds. Fifteen, maybe, but... Hi Jericho,
I like your SP. You have something here. The strengths of your writing are the attention you pay to details, and the realistic characters you’ve created. The SP reaks of “insider knowledge” of the sk8-punk scene. I have a few issues, one of which is the dialogue when the boys are twelve. It does not seem realistic at all for twelve-year-olds. Fifteen, maybe, but not twelve. Later the dialogue does seem natural. My biggest quibble, though, is with the narration. It isn’t needed. Find some way to “show” (not tell) what is necessary from the narration and get rid of it.
Also, you might have some resistance from readers/viewers regarding the plot. It has a slice-of-life feel to it, but it might not be enough. There needs to be a more pressing/important through-story that links the characters over the years. Just a suggestion.
First 10 pages - You do a good job in capturing the life and world of your characters. Their dialogue is generally quite good, although they over explain things at times and that makes it seem less natural and more serving of the writer than the viewer. Ask yourself, “Is the character saying this for the audience or for the scene?” At this point, I have no idea what the story is about. But the characters are sufficiently interesting to keep me reading.
A few other points:
p. 1 - Narration is usually a turn-off right away. Ask yourself, “Do I really need this narration? Does it really help?” I think your visual images are strong enough without it. One rule about narration if you are going to use it, it CAN’T be about what the scene is. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s an excellent rule. Amateurs use narration to describe what we already see, so what’s the point. A professional uses narration to discuss something completely different, even at cross-purposes to what’s being shown.
p. 4 - “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” Try to avoid clichés. Things like this are overused.
p. 6 - “Comics are for kids, faggot.” Even though this story takes place in the 80s, viewers will watch it today. When a character uses “faggot,” it makes him unlikable to many people. Be careful.
p. 29 - “Wow, conceited much?” I don’t think that expression (“much”) was used in the 1990s. I think it came later than that.
p. 1 - “Ryan begins shooting hime with the light gun.” him not hime.
p. 6 - “Erik bounds into the room and interrups...” interrupts (spelling)
p. 17 - “Skateboard parts cover every concievable surface.” conceivable (spelling)
p. 26 - “Erik walks up to them, lauging hysterically.” laughing (spelling)
p. 26 - “Like cartoon...whoop... thensuperman” space between “then” and “superman”
p. 26 - “He continutes to laugh” continues (spelling) and period at end of sentence.
p. 27 - “This cannible is!” cannibal (spelling)
p. 30 - “Whatch where the fuck you’re going, scarface.” watch (spelling) and cap “Scarface”
p. 33 - “After a couple of steps Jennifers stops as well.” Jennifer (without an s)
p. 37 - “We’ve got skaate punks...” skate (spelling)
p. 38 - “Can’t complain abou that, bitches.” About (typo)
p. 44 - “Either way, I’lll tell her you’re a virgin.” I’ll (typo)
p. 47 - “The singer, now recogniable as Erik” recognizable (spelling)
p. 47 (and other places) - “Ryan and Joe both have huge piles of french fries.” French (with a cap)
p. 48 - “Brian stops shovelling food in his mouth for a second.” shoveling (spelling)
p. 48 - “Skinhead against racial predjudice.” prejudice (spelling)
p. 52 - “She grabs the badck of his head and pulls him towards her.” back (typo)
p. 79 - “...random other pop-punk paraphenalia decorating her.” paraphernalia (spelling)
p. 80 - “You don’t know the first thig about punk...” thing (typo)
p. 80 - “Underneath it is an staine, torn Ramones shirt.” “a stained” (spelling)
p. 92 - “That “Smells Like Teen Spirit” vidoe really assed-up the pit.” video (spelling)
Before you post or send out your work, you really need to check and double check for spelling and typos. It will put people right off your work. Use SpellCheck at least.
p. 2 - You don’t know Joe’s age? 12 or 13? Which is it? You’re the writer.
p. 2 - How old is Ryan? Marc? (Other characters as well.)
p. 8 - Not sure what the point is having them all speak at once. The viewer won’t be able to make much of it out.
All-in-all you have talent as a screenwriter and I look forward to seeing what becomes of this work. Good luck on your writing. read
- Writer: Jericho McCune
- Uploaded by: jerichomccune
- Length: 97 pages
- Genre: action, drama, romance
- Bio: Before becoming a freelance writer, I worked in a string of jobs that left me bored and restless. These included being a cavalry scout in the army, security guard, carpenter, stage tech, cook, political activist, cashier jockey, and organizational consultant, among others. Uninspired, I moved to China and taught English for five years, before I transitioned to Beijing and began working as a promoter, dj, finally!, a writer. With two finished scripts under my belt, I moved back to the US where I continue to write while working on fixing the finished scripts and beginning others anew.
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