The Devourer and her zombie minions have destroyed untold worlds. Those worlds didn’t have rednecks.
HOW IT RATES
Henry has always found civilian life intolerable and boring compared to the thrill of battle, but he no longer believes in what he’s fighting for. Disillusioned and lost, Henry learns he is the sole heir of an uncle that no one has seen for decades. Henry travels to New Orleans to take up residence in his uncle’s old apartment, an apartment that holds the secrets to the origin of the universe and the source of its destruction.
Other Submissions by stevenroy
The indomitable martial artist and vicious assassin, the Venom King, has never left a single survivor. When he... more
Vampires put on a Kung Fu tournament
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
A faded rock star gets an unexpected visit from a fan who is determined to uncover his secrets at any price.
On Being and Monsterness. A Tragi-comedy/Comedic Tragedy.
Reviews of Door to Nowhere 14
by Shawn Essler on 05/08/2012Steven, DOOR TO NOWHERE is a noble suspense script. While flawed in its execution, the concept itself should be a source of pride for you. You pulled through the standard mystery portion of the story, creating an interesting mindf**k piece, bringing to mind JACOB'S LADDER, THE RING and the recent CABIN IN THE WOODS. While the concept is sound, you cannot rest upon that. Your... Steven,
DOOR TO NOWHERE is a noble suspense script. While flawed in its execution, the concept itself should be a source of pride for you. You pulled through the standard mystery portion of the story, creating an interesting mindf**k piece, bringing to mind JACOB'S LADDER, THE RING and the recent CABIN IN THE WOODS.
While the concept is sound, you cannot rest upon that. Your script has serious, albeit technical, flaws, of which I'll be focusing my review on. These are things that will get your script shelved by a reader before he can even marvel at your concept.
I got the feeling, while reading your script, that this might either be an adaptation of something you had previously wrote in prose tense, or at least a story that had been floating around in your mind for quite some time. The reason I say that is because you seem to have a much greater sense of what is going on than the reader. What I mean is that you gloss over many important details, which leaves the reader scratching his head.
A small example:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
The apartment is a thing of beauty. Old Henry knew how to live. Henry walks into the apartment and spins around taking it all in.
He looks at a door that is built into the wall of the living room. This is THE DOOR TO NOWHERE. There is also a large portrait of a fat, black woman on the back wall.
The problem that I see is that you spend too much business writing "unfilmables" rather than cluing the reader in on what is happening in the scene. What in the apartment showed that "Old Henry knew how to live". How does the reader/audience/even Henry know that the door in the living room leads to nowhere? We haven't seen the other side of the wall yet. Outside of being fat and black, I have no idea what to imagine in this painting.
Explanation: When I read that sentence, I instantly pictured the late Nell Carter smiling at me in the painting. And that is not what you want. Let me rewrite that little bit of business to better show you of the direction I'd like you to go in.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Henry spins around the beautiful apartment. The decor displays Old Henry's flair for the extravagant.
Henry notices a door in the wall of the living room. It appears out of place. Henry peeks around the wall: no exit to the door. Henry shrugs.
He notices a painting over the mantle. It features an ominous, heavyset, middle-aged black woman who glares at Henry. Lilacs surround the "witch" in the painting.
Notice, I didn't add too much business to the sequence, but what I put in gave a lot more clarity. You can read that, without knowing anything else, and know what the scene's set-up is supposed to be.
You have more tell-tale signs of a novice that any reader is sure to see. The page numbers are only supposed to be numbers. Your name and the title, you do that for manuscripts, not screenplays.
You write in the passive tense. Always write actively. HE IS DRIVING... No, HE DRIVES. SHE IS READING THE BOOK... No, SHE READS THE BOOK. Beware of the word "is" or words that end with -ing.
Technicals: the first time you introduce a character -- any character who speaks -- his name is in CAPS, with a brief explanation. Do that every time. Sound effects and slug lines are in ALL CAPS, nothing else. The slug line is either DAY or NIGHT. Not MORNING nor EVENING nor SUNSET nor ROUND ABOUT MIDNIGHT. DAY or NIGHT.
The soldiers in the beginning: only use one. At least, one with any dialogue. You can have a few others in the background, but you don't need four guys with only one or two lines apiece. It dilutes who the audience relates to, as well as drives up the budget, as you now have to pay for four actors, instead of one actor and three extras.
The small talk between Henry and Solange got irritating. Something big is going on here, and it sssssssssslllllllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwssssssssss the story way down to have to read a page worth of flirty banter every seven or eight pages.
I'll be honest, though, I didn't buy their relationship altogether. Maybe if they were in their teens or early 20s, they could get away with the coy early games, then rush into the blissful erotica of a sexual relationship. What does this take course during, a week? That doesn't happen to people at the age of 30. Relationships develop a bit more restrained, more getting-to-know-you.
I also didn't buy that Henry was a soldier. Whatsmore, I didn't buy him as a developed character, rather than an article of convenience. In every scene, he simply seemed to be whatever you needed him to be for the plot to progress. He could be trusting or wary. Confrontational or accepting. Distant or involved. Give him a set personality, a consistent voice and a set of values and directives that he holds true to.
Dialogue is too on-the-nose. Especially the banter between Henry and Solange. Examples:
That's a wonderful name.
Hey, you're not even going to wait
around for me to put the moves on
you? I was going to do something
Is this what you wanted me to see,
your obvious attempt to seduce me?
I'm not unaffected, but, if
something came through that door, I
would have dealt with it.
See, I didn't even look hard for these. I opened up your script, scrolled down a bit, looked, instantly found an on-the-nose line of dialogue, copy-pasted, and repeated. See, this dialogue stands out, and you shouldn't have any of it, let alone this much.
The ending of the script is rushed. The last three pages should be the last ten pages. The climax is when Henry leaves the apartment and returns to New Orleans with Conrad. This needs to be more exciting than the seance scene that proceeds it.
Finally, while the concept is sound, I don't believe I got the whole story. Part of that had to do with the fact that I had to strain to catch your exposition. See, a story like this is dependent on its lore. There is this whole world of backstory here in the supernatural, and we get to experience it through the confines of Henry's journey.
But, make no mistake, by page 93, I should not have any confusion as to what the lore is. I never fully understood the laws of your story, the rules. Give me a scene or two that explains, or better yet, shows me what boundaries we are dealing with. Every ten pages should have a big revelation, something that adds something new to the equation.
All in all, this is a decent idea. I feel that this is more of an early draft, and if so, you have something solid to work with here for your rewrites. I did like the concept your imagined. Keep working at it, and you could have a solid spec in your hands.
Best of luck,
- Shawn read
by tombelskie on 05/01/2012This is an awesomely colorful world that you have created for the audience/ readers. However, it stands in stark contrast to the characters and the plot which are very flat and do no realize their full potential in this fantastical depicition of a mystical culture in New Orleans. You should spend more time developing the characters and plot as it seems they have been neglected... This is an awesomely colorful world that you have created for the audience/ readers. However, it stands in stark contrast to the characters and the plot which are very flat and do no realize their full potential in this fantastical depicition of a mystical culture in New Orleans.
You should spend more time developing the characters and plot as it seems they have been neglected in an attempt to create a rich and unique world for them to inhabit. You hvae it all set up you just need to flesh things out a bit more. Perhaps some more back story on Henry or solange would be appropriate. The development of their relationship seems rushed and framented.
At a shade over 90 pages I think this world deserves more, maybe try pushing the page count a tad bit higher to see what else can happen to your characters.
Structurally it is pretty sound with all the major plot points occuring at the appropriate times.
Just some knit picking stuff:
Personally I don't like the large blocks of action that are 4 or 5 lines long, and there are quite a few of them. Two to three lines should suffice in most cases. Too much action can cause the eyes to wander and the reader may miss crucial details. I don't think you have lose too much to accomplish this either, in many cases you use very wordy language to describe action sequences; cut out the words that aren't accomplishing anything and you'll be fine.
Some of the dialogue teeters on the edge of being expository while some of it definitely crosses the line, use subtext more efficiently so you don't have to have your characters explaining every little move they make.
I found it annoying how Solange kept referring to Henry as "Young Henry" I realize what you were trying to do but it sounds condescending and at times phony. And the last tiny thing I didn't care for was the awkward allusion to the size of Henry's penis, I didn't think it was funny and it felt out of place. I think you could do without it, there are other, more subtle ways to assert him as the alpha male in this story.
All in all I really think you have something that is worth developing further, I don't think its any where near where it needs to be but there is a wealth of potential in this world you have created. Keep up the good work. read
by Smirk on 04/18/2012First off, at the top of every page you have: Door to Nowhere – Roy. Not only is this totally unneeded I found it to be really annoying!!! I think you need a little work when you first introduce your characters. Eg: OLD WOMAN(a wrinkled, impossibly old woman) – from her name we get that she is old, all you’re doing is repeating it. You also use CLOSE UP and SOUND in your... First off, at the top of every page you have: Door to Nowhere – Roy. Not only is this totally unneeded I found it to be really annoying!!!
I think you need a little work when you first introduce your characters. Eg: OLD WOMAN(a wrinkled, impossibly old woman) – from her name we get that she is old, all you’re doing is repeating it.
You also use CLOSE UP and SOUND in your description which is distracting, you’re not the director. There are plenty of ways to write it without having to resort to CLOSE UP.
While most of the dialogue was good some of it was quiet long and sounded unnatural.
This is a pet peeve of mine but I usually hate flashbacks and find them most of the time unnecessary. There are better ways to do it.
Your second act is your biggest weakest, the story not at all times felt like it was moving forward. It’s too slow in my opinion.
My favourite character would probably have to be Solange, an old woman that could change into a beautiful woman was a nice touch. The idea kind of reminded me of the Maid from American Horror Story. I also like that you gave some clues to tip the reader off but didn’t try and jam it down our throats.
With a rewrite you could make this script much leaner and meaner, move the action along quicker. However unfortunately at the end things don’t resolve itself, it needs a little more thought.
Good luck. read
by Howie428 on 04/17/2012Steven, Please see below my comments on your “DOOR TO NOWHERE” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see... Steven,
Please see below my comments on your “DOOR TO NOWHERE” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – I like the title, it sets up a sense of mystery.
Pg 1 – “APARTMENT/BEDROOM” - For me the “/” in this implies uncertainty.
“Old Henry Panos Lafleur III” - Capitalize?
“He's gasping for air” - Consider “He gasps for air” as a more active phrasing.
“Old Henry dies gasping like a fish out of water and reaching” - Often it’s worth considering if “ing” words can be replace with their shorter equivalents, “gasps” and “reaches” might work here.
The first page has good drama and sets up a good mystery to get the story moving.
Pg 2 – I’ve not read this page yet, but a scan of it is worrying me. It looks like a heavy slab of text, the kind of thing that makes a reader’s heart sink.
Pg 4 – It’s an effective intro for the protagonist.
Pg 5 – “Decaradeaux” - Capitalize intro?
“DECARADEAUX (CONT’D)” - Typically it is suggested nowadays that you turn these off in your software.
Pg 6 – “He shakes his head and smirks.” - I like the interesting mystery you are setting up, but I wonder if keeping us at a distance from the Protag makes sense. I want to know what the letter says.
Pg 7 – “Where do I sign?” - Aren’t heroes in stories like this supposed to “Refuse the Call”? Actually it’s nice that he doesn’t, but it’s worth thinking about.
Pg 8 – I like the set-up, but I feel like I’m missing something and losing a connection to Henry by not knowing what was in the letter.
Pg 10 – Okay, so we do learn its contents.
It’s a good first ten pages. I’m intrigued. I’m not sure that I like Henry all that much.
Pg 14 – “A sob escapes her.” - I’ve heard it said that if a character cries early in a script they never stop doing so. Let’s see if it’s true of her.
“BOREDOM.” - A dangerous game to play, by making him bored it might be that you draw attention to the story losing momentum.
Pg 15 – At this point I feel like I’m waiting for the story to start again.
Pg 16 – “enjoy his Absinthe” - Makes me shudder, I got mashed on absinthe once, and the thought of it makes me feel bad!
Pg 20 – “SGT.” - For dialogue you should probably write out the word.
This is still going okay. I like the relationship stuff, I guess I’m beginning to get impatient for conflict, action, and stakes. Hopefully they will be along soon.
Pg 22 – I like the weirdness and mystery of this, but I’ve had a thought about how many of these kind of stories work. Often they set a minor goal for the character that gives the audience something to cling to as the weirdness plays out around them. Because you don’t have one of those I’m left finding this interesting, but thinking “so what, why do I care?”
Pg 25 – “I forg#o#t to”
““Don’t trust the book.”” - Having not shown us it before, now you’re showing us a bit of it? There is a danger that it becomes a bit of a device.
Pg 33 – You’ve just done 7 solid pages of dialogue with very little action. That’s okay if the dialogue is really strong and there is a great conflict to it, but in this case they seem to get on well and I’m not sure if they have advanced the story much.
“The cream he poured earlier is gone.” - I’m not sure you need to spell this out.
At this point I’m unsure what Henry wants out of all this. He’s been quite passive so far, stuff is happening to and around him, but he’s done relatively little since taking the decision to sign for the apartment. A suggestion that occurs to me is that he could find out what the apartment is worth and set himself the objective of getting it ready to sell. That sets him into conflict with the people around him and gives him a reason to set about removing the odd elements, like the cat, from the place.
Pg 34 – “it breath#e#.”
Pg 37 – Several more pages of conversation.
Pg 40 – Things are still happening, but unfortunately this is starting to drag. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of conflict. The stuff with the cat works but seems to be playing on a bit long. I haven’t yet got a sense of their having goals, and I’ve not yet seen an antagonistic force moving against them.
Pg 42 – Ahh, so Solange is the old woman from the beginning and she’s the antagonist?
Pg 44 – That book is gross, nice work.
Pg 49 – “Audio: Knock-Knock.” - If you put “KNOCK-KNOCK” readers will know it’s a sound.
Pg 50 – As an audience we already know about the door knocks, so it’s hard to get excited about it. Given that you’re now passed the mid-point I’d be looking for the story to move on from the early scares.
Pg 52 – We are seeing Solange take a look at things that we have already seen and are familiar with, so I’m not sure why we as an audience would see this as moving the story forwards.
Pg 55 – I’m still feeling like the story is moving forward slowly. The things that are happening now feel like late first act events in that they are still unthreatened preliminary investigations.
Pg 57 – “That's corre#c#t.”
Pg 62 – The visit to the asylum thing works okay, but it’s close to being a story cliché, especially when the patient spews out exposition. Again, I’d say that this could be the first act turn because it feels like the first substantial step forward in the story since the initial set-up. We now know what the threat is, we have an idea what is at stake, and we know what task Henry has.
Pg 68 – “that book#’#s going” - If I’m spotting this many typos, it probably makes sense to have a good look for others.
Pg 71 – The cat attack and the plotting of Solange make for a good escalation of the story.
Pg 74 – “Fine. I don't know what else to do.” - This hinges on the idea that he’s deeply in love with her, and I guess I’m not convinced of that.
Pg 76 – “You saved me. You saved everything.” - It’s good that some action happened. I’m not sure that he did a whole lot to save her, it seems to just happen by itself.
Pg 79 – At this point with 15 pages to go I’d be expecting this to be going at high speed, but it seems like they have gone back to the same situation they’ve been in most of the time.
Pg 80 – “Henry sits reading in his chair.” - It can’t be good when in the middle of the climax of the story, Protag has time to sit and read a book.
Pg 82 – I like the Solange reveal, even though I saw it coming, but the way you’ve done it feels soft. They talk it through for a page, when it might work better if you could deliver the reveal with more punch.
Pg 85 – “naked, old people” - I don’t think you’re going for comedy, but naked old people will most likely make people laugh.
Pg 90 – This has now kicked off into a big confrontation of the kind I’ve been expecting.
Pg 91 – Going to get Conrad feels like a random long shot this late in the story.
I like the emergence of the giant Azael, but for me it feels like this should be the second act turn, and the process of defeating him becomes the third act.
Pg 93 – And for me the ending feels like cutting out in the middle of the story.
Overall this is well written and a smooth clean read. You’ve got a strong set up and an intriguing situation. Also the story has a good sense of location, is well contained and relatively low budget.
The biggest issue I had on this is with the structure of the story. It felt like the story slowed too much and was treading water for a long stretch. Then at the end things happened very quickly and it wrapped up without really resolving. As I mentioned in my other notes I’d suggest moving up the story beats and adding an ending that carries on from what you have.
Good luck with it. read
by grey on 04/17/2012As a reader, this is my personal observation about what is needed to make this screenplay stronger. A decision needs to be made about what the screenplay is. Is it a sci-fi/horror about a book that could end the universe? Is it a romance with elements of danger between Henry and Solange? If it’s the latter then, in my opinion, Solange should not end up as an antagonist... As a reader, this is my personal observation about what is needed to make this screenplay stronger. A decision needs to be made about what the screenplay is. Is it a sci-fi/horror about a book that could end the universe? Is it a romance with elements of danger between Henry and Solange? If it’s the latter then, in my opinion, Solange should not end up as an antagonist.
I’m not saying this to inflict pain, but in the first half of a 93 page screen play, over 30 pages are devoted, in the most part, to the budding relationship of the two main characters.
For me, the strongest elements of the screenplay are sci-fi. I love Palmer’s backwards hands. I’m curious about Azael, the voo-doo worshipers, and where is the witch? If she’s Solange, that is definitely not clear. If she’s not, then bring that fat lady out and let her sing.
I think the sci-fi premise works, but Henry needs to get on his feet, get out of the apartment, and track down more information about what’s going on. He needs to be in more scraps to show off as a hero – he’s the Desert Monster; let’s see it. And in the end, why not let him save the universe? There’s nothing wrong with a positive ending as long as you make it uniquely your own.
The dialogue between Henry and Solange is cute, but at moments almost too clever. And, speaking as a female, I have to tell you lines like: SOLANGE: You cannot do that to me every night. I have a job.” made me chuckle a bit. She needs to be a real woman, not a fantasy woman.
I think you’ve got something here, but it must follow one path. Good Luck to you. read
by Adamrc on 04/16/2012There is a lot to be proud of here with this script. First of all I do like the idea of a mysterious book and also the concept of a dooor with many secrets to be unlocked. These concepts in film never seem to get old because we always wonder what direction the author will take us. I like the main character of Henry, there is something about this ultra manly character that... There is a lot to be proud of here with this script. First of all I do like the idea of a mysterious book and also the concept of a dooor with many secrets to be unlocked. These concepts in film never seem to get old because we always wonder what direction the author will take us.
I like the main character of Henry, there is something about this ultra manly character that I think all men can identify with to some extent. Even him having this interest in combat would usually take away from the depth of a character because there is not much depth to ultra macho characters but there is enough in all the right places here. His relationship with Solange is a good on screen development and for some reason you do want them to get together and that is good that they do. Her being this link to the life of a person of family significance provides the bridge between the uncle that died'd world to that of the main character.
When I first read the synopsis that you put I thought this script was going to be 150 pages long but thank god it wasn't. And you clock in under 100 pages which makes this a quick easy read that held your attention, a reader in the industry is going to eat that up. Also I there is not an overkill on the special effects, there are some but there is enough balance between the real world stuff and the need for CGI effects that the script wouldn't require a super big budget, also very attractive to readers and producers.
Some points that I would take note of would be first to omit all of these things like CLOSE UP: or SOUND: this kinda of stuff is reserved for the director or some other production person. If you feel the need to have this text in the script, convey your point through the writing in the action. Until the script is sold it is technically a spec script and all that directorial stuff usually comes in later, it will also give your script more of a professional appearance.
In eeping with the professional appearance topic, there is alot of description in the story, it seems like there are more than a few pages where there must be two lines of dialogue within a page of action. Try to cut it down and make any block of action run no longer than four lines. There is one example that I would omit imdeiately and there is in () a line of action within a line dialogue, just wrte it as regular action.
You have a great selling tool with alot of potential, best of luck to you! read
by Adam Cece on 04/08/2012Pages 1-30 -Okay I've just finished the first thirty pages, up until Henry is out for drink with Solange, and so far I'm quite intrigued. What I like so far: good pace and a unique story. What I don't like so far: a few of the scenes just feel a couple of lines too long. They dawdle ever so slightly. This is a pretty subtle thing and probably also based on my personal preference,... Pages 1-30 -Okay I've just finished the first thirty pages, up until Henry is out for drink with Solange, and so far I'm quite intrigued. What I like so far: good pace and a unique story. What I don't like so far: a few of the scenes just feel a couple of lines too long. They dawdle ever so slightly. This is a pretty subtle thing and probably also based on my personal preference, where others may disagree. For example on the first page where the woman says 'Poor old Henry' and then you have a line about her shuffling off down the hall. I would have just ended the scene where she says 'Poor Old Henry', just to make it a bit sharper. In the next scene where we see the woman is elsewhere we are going to know she left, so we don't need to see it in the scene before. I found lots of points like this where you could have just cut a couple of lines to make the screenplay buzz along a bit better. But I've always had a preference to end scenes sharply and if possible with a bit of dialogue. But anyway, I had to think hard to come up with some constructive criticism, because so far I've been pretty swept up in the story and no major problems with the screenplay are jumping out at me, so that's good.
Pages 30-60 - Okay when Henry is trying to catch the cat and find out what the book is made of, I was really hooked in. I was pumping through the pages and really enjoying it. Great pace!!! I also enjoyed the twist of him finding the original owner and the backwards hands. I want to find out what happens next rather than writing this review, which is a good sign. One suggestion I have, apart from cutting a line or two from a lot of scenes (as I mentioned before) is the occasional large slabs of dialogue. For the most part your dialogue is short, snappy and effective. But I've noticed a couple of times you'll have a big chunk of dialogue, which is mostly exposition. One example of this is on page 60 where Henry has 24 lines of dialogue at once. I would try to avoid this as it slows down what is an otherwise quick and enjoyable read.
Pages 60-end - First off just let me say, thank you so much for writing a screenplay that is short, at just over 90 pages. This is the perfect spec script length and all screenwriters should take note that screenplays that go over 100 pages just feel too long, no matter how well written they are. I like your ending but I suspect this would be the first thing to get changed if this screenplay is ever sold. But overall a great screenplay, well-written, engaging and fast. I won't talk about structure at all, because I hate to even consider that on a first read through, but I get a feeling the structure could be reworked a bit. But these are very mnor gripes, and I really enjoyed your screenplay. Overall, I think you are doing 90% of things right. Great work! read
by davidfmvaughn on 03/31/2012For the first half of reading this script, I was actually interested in finding out what was happening. The key, the book, the door, the car, the uncle, the creepy exutor, the girl, all of it. I was in. War vet, New Orleans, all of it. It seemed colorful and interesting, and I was on board. But then... I got to around page 67, and thats' when everything went "student... For the first half of reading this script, I was actually interested in finding out what was happening. The key, the book, the door, the car, the uncle, the creepy exutor, the girl, all of it. I was in. War vet, New Orleans, all of it. It seemed colorful and interesting, and I was on board.
I got to around page 67, and thats' when everything went "student film" for me. When Conrad did the typical "crazy man = soothsayer" thing and explained what was going on, I literally rolled my eyes. And I live alone. You have set up this really exciting story, PLEASE GO BACK and work on what all of this means. Teh 7 things, one absorbs the other, it's all WAY too sci fi, and that's not the personality of this script.
Maybe that was my overall problem, that this movie tends to have an identity problem. At first it's a "DaVinci Code" sort of movie (which it should be, and WAS for a while), but then it's this weird Ghostbusters thing, and then a sci fi student film concept, then ends with a cuss word.
Please know that I was interested in this scirpt right away, and then it all fell to, well, "shit" as the author would say. Many times. read
I am impressed this is one of the best I have read so far. The opening scene gets your attention right away.by LDanforth on 03/31/2012I am impressed this is one of the best I have read so far. The opening scene gets your attention right away. The two main characters are very well developed though out the story. Using the apartment against your hero's is well thought out and works well in the development of the real evil in this story. The final realization of the evil force is rather abrupt but works well... I am impressed this is one of the best I have read so far. The opening scene gets your attention right away.
The two main characters are very well developed though out the story. Using the apartment against your hero's is well thought out and works well in the development of the real evil in this story. The final realization of the evil force is rather abrupt but works well to and ending that made me say nooooooo, not yet. VERY WELL DONE.
Just a few things about the meat and potatoes of the script.
Some of the middle parts read a little slow to me and could be tightened up a bit.
Format excellent, I found no typo's but maybe just one mist word.
because I'm really good at shooting people thing.
(good at "that" shooting people thing)
This is not my favorite type of story because I enjoy sleeping at night and when this is made into a moving, and I strongly believe it should be, it would be hard to sleep. VERY WELL DONE! read
by TINCA on 03/31/2012I was sucked in from page one. Hard to do, so congratulations. I felt your characters were distinct and descriptive, had their own voices. I followed along but knew early on that Solange was would be Henry's downfall, probably from the time she was first introduced, hanging out with "oldies", never going to her apartment, even when there was blood on the sheet s after they... I was sucked in from page one. Hard to do, so congratulations. I felt your characters were distinct and descriptive, had their own voices. I followed along but knew early on that Solange was would be Henry's downfall, probably from the time she was first introduced, hanging out with "oldies", never going to her apartment, even when there was blood on the sheet s after they first "hooked up". I over all enjoyed the story, but unfortunately the ending left much to be said. No hero, the super god wins. There was no satisfactory resolution for me. I feel it would be a much better story if you added more back story to Azeal (sp?) Like I said. , overall a good story. Thank you. read
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
A faded rock star gets an unexpected visit from a fan who is determined to uncover his secrets at any price.
On Being and Monsterness. A Tragi-comedy/Comedic Tragedy.
Copyright © 2001-2014 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.