+ more submissions by AlCielo

Reviews of Drama Mama Drama 5

• 
  Drama, Mama. Drama!
  A review of Drama Mama Drama
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/15/2011
  Page one with the sepia tone = very good. Old photo feeling, w/o directing from the page. It allows the director, cinematographer, and wardrobe people to collaborate. I like the bookends effect with this image as the first and last. Some dramadies this reminds me of: Pete and Tillie, Steel Magnolias, Crimes of the Heart...also First Wives Club. The deconstructed back stage,... Page one with the sepia tone = very good. Old photo feeling, w/o directing from the page. It allows the director, cinematographer, and wardrobe people to collaborate. I like the bookends effect with this image as the first and last. Some dramadies this reminds me of: Pete and Tillie, Steel Magnolias, Crimes of the Heart...also First Wives Club.
  
  The deconstructed back stage, or high school play feeling of the sets lets the creative imagination fly w/o too much input from the writer. It's sparse. I like the sets as live theater filmed. Pirandello would have a chuckle!
  
  "Distrella" is a wonderful character name. Dis = negative connotation, and strella = star. Distrella Bellefleur sneers well. I like the plays for the high school drama competition: Electra, Oedipus, and the Trojan Women. Some funny-out-loud moments include p. 4, "...terrible karma, made your mom your wife..." "Lots of violence...family show." "Eat...Raul" is there a pun there?
  
  Very few errors: P. 18 "to to the cops."
  P. 23 CLARISSA (age...?)
  P. 25, "...it without it..."
  ESTEBAN (age?) p. 35.
  
  P. 86 With Andre as Jason. Jason is like a bull in the pasture, and so is Andre (the little prick!) I loved it when deus ex machina keeps whomping him on the head! This is a real side splitter! "Maybe he'll be more careful where he sticks his hubris."
  
  When McCandless (no candle?) catches his clothes on fire, is that a subtle reference to Glauce...?
  
  The structure is put together well with turning points and act breaks close enough to their mark. I like the length at 98 pp. I find that usually ninety something pages plays a little longer than 1 1/2 hours because of the other team members' imaginations as well as the writer's.
  
  Overall good marks, but a not-for-credit review. Cheers! read
• 
  A Very Good Script
  A review of Drama Mama Drama
  by jackbaloyi on 10/10/2011
  It was a pleasure reading a script over which so much time and effort has been sent. Trust me, it shows. And I loved the twist at the end too. My main note is somewhat difficult in terms of pointing out a solution. I found it difficult to define a genre for this film while reading it. I wasn’t sure whether it was dark comedy, or satirical, or romantic comedy, or drama with... It was a pleasure reading a script over which so much time and effort has been sent. Trust me, it shows.
  
  And I loved the twist at the end too.
  
  My main note is somewhat difficult in terms of pointing out a solution. I found it difficult to define a genre for this film while reading it. I wasn’t sure whether it was dark comedy, or satirical, or romantic comedy, or drama with comedic elements. That means that the audience doesn’t know what to expect.
  
  Onto more nitpicky aspects (I apologize if they’re all over the place, chronologically speaking of course).
  
  The expository scene where Ruth explains that Distrella stole her husband needs to come a bit earlier. Otherwise the audience is left wondering for far too long about why Ruth hates Distrella’s guts, and why Distrella’s seeking forgiveness.
  
  The setup is great, with the crazy teacher. However, the banana gag creates confusion about what genre we are in. As does the little exchange with Marcelo when we first meet him, which seems over the top. Another example of this “genre confusion” is on page 58, when Ruth slaps the hell out of the principal. Seems out of place in their relationship. Yet another thing that adds to this “genre confusion” is the witty dialogue. Sometimes it seems too witty, as in some of the interchanges between Irene and Ruth, which come off feeling a bit unbelievable. An additional instance is the confrontation in the cafeteria between Estaban and Hank. Again I was left asking, “What’s the genre?” Because their reactions seemed to be out of place of the genre that you had led me to expect to be reading.
  
  I’m not sure if Ivan’s character is needed in the story.
  
  Regarding the phone calls, some of them should be exchanged for face to face conversations. E.g. on page 69, when the abortion is sprung. On page 75, when Ruth “calls together the team”, there’s no need to see all these phonecalls. We could just cut to them meeting at the park (funny that they never seem to do so) and then use the resultant arising conflict to expose the fact that it was Ruth who called them all together.
  
  On page 78, the way Ruth’s mother dies feels a little bit forces. I feel there’ll be nothing lost if she dies in a hospital after a good old fashioned tried and tested conventional, believable, long battle with cancer.
  
  And finally, typos:
  
  Pg. 18 - she can to to the cops (sic)
  Pg. 39 - Irene kvetches (sic).
  
  This is one of the better screenplays I’ve read on Trigger Street. Keep up the good work! I don’t know much about producing and sales and markets and stuff, but I think that if you refine the genre of the story, it should be easier to sell it to a production company/ raise production finance. It’s also nice and low budget – a perfect indie flick. Good luck. read
• 
  Strong concept but it's Greek to me
  A review of Drama Mama Drama
  by Robert T on 09/28/2011
  This writer's respect for the classics is obvious. His trust we can follow them is romantically overestimated. That said, "Drama..." is a play within a play that has potential to really cash in on the whole "Glee" and auditions TV popularity. This story harkens to "Waiting for Guffman", "Shakespeare in Love", and "Drop Dead Gorgeous." Fun to watch if you can follow it. The... This writer's respect for the classics is obvious. His trust we can follow them is romantically overestimated. That said, "Drama..." is a play within a play that has potential to really cash in on the whole "Glee" and auditions TV popularity. This story harkens to "Waiting for Guffman", "Shakespeare in Love", and "Drop Dead Gorgeous." Fun to watch if you can follow it.
  
  The best of this story is the sniping dialogue, endless misdirect and manipulation. The trouble is too many sub-plots, and lack of a score card to track the hero's progress. Also, character choices at times seem more convenient to fit the plot the writer has determined rather than revelations of deeper character borne out of scene conflicts. ie: pg. 42-43, Estaban shows up at the hero's home. The hero, Ruth, reacts by subterfuge - don't tell my daughter Irene who it is. But as the scene between mother and daughter plays out, the writer seemingly skips some beats to get to an ulterior sub-plot between the daughter Irene and the very infidel Estaban. Which character's motivation that drives this scene switches on a dime and without resonance. It jolted me out of the first situation of mother/Ruth trying to lie to her daughter about who's at the door, and steps on her motivation to do just that.
  
  Another character-out-of-character choice that 'felt' untrue, pg. 73. Principal McCandless becomes Ruth's "you can do it" guy conveniently at the ACT II low point. That'd be great if he wasn't also the schmuck that blackmailed Ruth into the story task on pg. 23-24.
  
  These kinds of character leaps in a densely populated script where everyone has their own agendas and those begin to overlap caused much confusion in my read. And this writer's no 1st timer. He knows confusion in a read equals 'no read to finish' by the pros. That said, this writer keeps his characters' plots spinning like circus dishes on pins throughout most of the story. No easy task. His formatting is professional, lean. His style, very smart. Great descriptions: "...cafe untouched by time and dust mops." There's a great character description through choice where Estaban does a cell phone-in-prop phone conversation on stage while he's in mid performace.
  
  Some humble suggestions to raise this idea out of its own way:
  
  1. Two NY actresses in Hicksville. Play up the fish out of water story; make the townspeople the hayseed Greek chorus who anticipates the schools' Greek plays but has perrenial questions about what the plays are about. This lets us dumb readers in on what the Greek plays are about too. Maybe evil Distrella chooses the same play to put on, offering a who can do it better; while simplifying the confusing list of Greek characters and plots to explain.
  
  2. Maybe the score card I needed to understand how things are progressing could be the vibe in the halls of school as Ruth patrols them doing her job? The kids' emotional enthusiam, or lack of, could be the score card.
  
  3. Maybe, if possible, the motives, events, and results of Ruth's/Distrella's plot parrallel the actual plot of the Greek tragedy they're trying to put on? Life imitating art.
  
  Despite my multi-layered plot confusion and character subterfuge left and right, this writer does pull it off. Cleaner in the rewrite might equal more rewards in the emotional resonance of a worthwhile mother/daughter story. read
• 
  Less drama, more drama, please!
  A review of Drama Mama Drama
  by Vincent Tuckwood on 09/24/2011
  I liked Drama Mama Drama, a comedy set against the backdrop of long-held resentments and competitive mindsets. It had the feeling of "Death Becomes Her", "The War of the Roses" and other similar grudge movies. There are some very well enacted comedic threads woven into the story - the over-eating, lead-role-chasing girl, the over-sexed teenage boy and his deus ex machina payback... I liked Drama Mama Drama, a comedy set against the backdrop of long-held resentments and competitive mindsets. It had the feeling of "Death Becomes Her", "The War of the Roses" and other similar grudge movies.
  
  There are some very well enacted comedic threads woven into the story - the over-eating, lead-role-chasing girl, the over-sexed teenage boy and his deus ex machina payback - and I laughed a few times while reading. In some of the more obvious comedic set pieces, the pacing picks up and I enjoyed that frenetic pace - do more of that (it works!)
  
  The construct of the story hinges on the unwitting competitive positioning of two long-standing rivals - this seems tenuous (would it really happen? Chance in a million?) but it didn't quite break my suspension of disbelief, so good enough, I guess.
  
  In the moment, the characters speak with credibility, however, I felt the back story was left too much to inference. I am a fan of nuanced story and subtle hints, less so of prat-falls and expository story-telling, and even with that, Drama Mama Drama skimmed too lightly through the relationships and back-story, leaving some key plot elements to the closing scenes (which still weren't enough to explain motivations, decisions and actions). At one point, the Principal says "Remember our deal" and, for the life of me, I couldn't. I actually had to go back and re-read previous scenes to get it - even then, it wasn't clear.
  
  Finally, I confess to not being a student of the greek tragedies or their stage manifestations. In that, I would suggest I'm much like the majority of movie-going audiences. There is much mention of characters and underlying motives from that oeuvre which, frankly, went over my head and broke my flow of being in the story. It may even be the case that those subtexts were informing the subtext of this film. If so, a scholar of the classics will really enjoy this film. But for the rest of us, and I have a hard time writing this, please dumb it down! Less (classical) drama, more (movie) drama, please! read
• 
  Free Willie for Drama Mama Drama
  A review of Drama Mama Drama
  by DebraSwan on 09/17/2011
  I liked the story, and how you brought it full circle with the ending. The characters were a bit campy, and the humour was nicely done - dry and tongue in cheek. You also did a good job revealing the relationship history between Distrella and Ruth a little bit at a time - it keep me guessing and interested. The biggest down fall of this piece is it is a difficult read as... I liked the story, and how you brought it full circle with the ending. The characters were a bit campy, and the humour was nicely done - dry and tongue in cheek.
  You also did a good job revealing the relationship history between Distrella and Ruth a little bit at a time - it keep me guessing and interested.
  
  The biggest down fall of this piece is it is a difficult read as written because of the heavy dependence on dialogue. If you add more description and action in each scene, it would help the reader visualize the story flow.
  
  A few examples of what I mean:
  
  Page 14: Distrella, at one point takes on the persona of a southern belle, however to figure that line out, I had to re-read the scene a few times. If you can describe her transformation to the character before she gives the line, it would be less jarring and break up the page better.
  
  Page 27: in the restaurant, the waitress is interacting with Ruth, then Distrella, then Ruth again - but there is no description of her moving back and forth. This would be a good place to add some visual humour, as she moves between the two tables.
  
  Page 68: Ruth's line: "If you mean that soap opera bitch, you're welcome to her. Well, how about some cake?"
  
  Would read better as: Ruth yells at Hank's back as he SLAMS the door, " If you mean that soap opera bitch, you're welcome to her!" Ruth pretends calm as she looks to Irene, "How about some cake?"
  
  It may just be me, but I'm a visual person, so the more you can show me on the page, the easier it is for me to follow the story and all the nuances of the plot.
  
  Just a small thing - I assumed Principal McCandless was a woman until a few pages later where you referred to 'his'. No good reason why I made that assumption (other than I'm a woman I suppose... ) but you may want to add to the character description when he is introduced to make it clearer. read