Reviews of EUROPA 3

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  Watch the Exposition in Dialogue
  A review of EUROPA
  by mattyrm on 04/15/2012
  General Format You have character names starting with the same letter. Plus to add to the potential confusion, two of these are main characters and are introduced from the beginning. Baker and Bowen. If you can find a published work of fiction that has character names starting with the same letter, (let alone main characters introduced in the first Act) I will eat my hat... General Format
  
  You have character names starting with the same letter.
  Plus to add to the potential confusion, two of these are main characters and are introduced from the beginning. Baker and Bowen.
  If you can find a published work of fiction that has character names starting with the same letter, (let alone main characters introduced in the first Act) I will eat my hat.
  There are many reasons for this. I will let you hunt those reasons down.
  
  When you introduce characters do not be afraid to give a little description.
  Especially with main characters.
  I had trouble visualising Hallem, Bowen and Baker.
  There are great tips on this web site about how much and how little description to give characters in a screenplay.
  
  Flashbacks. Search this site and you will find a number of message board topics that deal with the subject of formatting Flashbacks. I'm sure you will get great benefit from reading these threads. You do an okay job on this one. But doesn't hurt to get multiple viewpoints.
  
  Slug lines. Only need DAY or NIGHT. There are mixed messages regarding what should and shouldn't be used with slug lines. But what I've picked up, just keep it simple. Day or Night. No need for Continuous etc. It's either a new scene or it isn't.
  
  Introducing multiple characters in one scene. Learn from the experts. Aliens is probably the best example in Sci-Fi of how to introduce multiple characters. When they awake from the hibernation we are given a brief insight into each. It takes time. When we are introduced to the rest of the crew on p4 it all happens so quick. Either leave out the intro to the crew at this point and move it to later in Act 1 or expand this scene.
  
  Commas. Check out p52. "I don’t buy that, Llewellyn." Read that line out loud. Not sure it sounds right. And you've got other examples like this.
  If you're using Final Draft, give the voice tools a go.
  
  
  Running Notes
  
  I don't tend to take running notes for the entire read. So here are some;
  
  p2: looks at a picture of his wife? How do we know it's his wife? You can simply say he looks at a picture of a woman and a child. Save yourself some lines.
  p37: they sit is
  p33: the avoid contact
  p35: grins maniacally - avoid adverbs.
  p43: not a one home? Huh?
  p45: all are nervous. Okay, this is where the ol "show don't tell" feedback comes in. More about this in story.
  p51: grocery what?
  p52: he in contact
  
  Story
  
  Greedy corporates exploiting another planet's natural resources for financial gain.
  Look, it does have a familiar ring to it.
  
  The reporter gets taken out in spectacular style. But what happens next? We are given no description of Man 1 and Man 2.
  
  Amy is a minor character but her bike chase scene gets 3.5 pages. I know it is used later in nailing Osmer but it did seem a bit long. However, as far as action goes I thought you did an excellent job on this scene. Which goes to show your potential in writing action.
  
  No need to reveal too much too soon. The inciting incident which is a Flashback reveals way more information than we need to know.
  Bowen has a loving family, cancer, gambling debts, we find out his base wage, plus we find out everything about Hallem, Baker etc.
  Again, look at the classics. Aliens has a mountain of backstory to get through. But the audience only gets pieces at a time.
  
  That said, your final 4-5 pages will probably attract some unwanted feedback. In summary, too much exposition dialogue with little action in between.
  
  When you are describing the beauty of Europa, you tend to tell the reader what the crew are going through. You really have to show it. Ain't easy and I would love to see your rewrite as to how you tackle it.
  
  All Sci-Fi should have a go at predicting a future lifestyle trait. With the wafer thin TV screens, cars on autopilot (where can I get me one of those), high-tech trip wire, you do that. Congratulations. More importantly, you don't go overboard with it.
  
  Overall, you seem to have a solid grasp on some screenwriting concepts but others can do with some improvement via reading screenwriting bibles and other published screenplays. The reliance on exposition in dialogue did impact the story for mine. Good luck with the rewrite. read
• 
  There's Gold in them there Moons!
  A review of EUROPA
  by WAH3 on 04/14/2012
  Overall, I thought it was a good story. Some of the dialog is a bit clunky. Suggest you get a couple of friends together and read the key parts aloud. It’s just not the way people talk and I think if you can hear it, you’ll know how to fix it. Think you could have the same story with lots less characters. You don’t need so many crew members or detectives to make things work... Overall, I thought it was a good story. Some of the dialog is a bit clunky. Suggest you get a couple of friends together and read the key parts aloud. It’s just not the way people talk and I think if you can hear it, you’ll know how to fix it.
  
  Think you could have the same story with lots less characters. You don’t need so many crew members or detectives to make things work. Especially named characters as I started to drown trying to remember who was who. It would help, at least some, to be consistent in how they’re used in the screenplay. Sometimes by last name. Sometimes by first. It makes it even harder to keep track.
  
  For those characters you end up with, a little more description would help. For instance, with a name like Llewelyn, I wasn’t even sure if it was a guy or a girl until later I saw the “he” reached for something. On P2 you put more effort into describing Jupiter’s moon than you did with any of the characters.
  
  As a general comment, try to read the screenplay and ask yourself “What do we see?” On P4 for instance, we have no idea that Ed White is a reporter except for that’s how he’s introduced in the script. I’d skimmed by that initially and thought Helan was a wife or girlfriend. Only when he was killed did I shift back to try to understand why.
  
  Also, not sure all the dangerous animals in the Europa sea are needed. We get the picture: They’re attacking the crew. Lots of time spent there but that’s not really what the story’s about. Since it’s kind of a “Ten little Indians” thing, it might be better to have someone fall off the cliff, the wire they use to get into the trench fail, etc. to avoid the here we go again feeling.
  
  And finally, you need to rework the ending. I got to the last few pages and almost croaked with full pages of dialog as he says good-by to his family and you’re so screwed to his boss. It may not be needed at all since the viewers see the detectives after the boss and he’s put in the call to his wife about moving. Then he just lies down and looks at their pictures as he fades away.
  
  Lots of words to say I liked it and with a little dialog surgery and some scene streamlining you’ve got a great picture here. Good luck!! read
• 
  Review of: "Europa"
  A review of EUROPA
  by grey on 04/14/2012
  Twenty-five named characters in a 94 page screenplay is a lot. The heart of the story is Bowen and he is the only character of interest. It is true that people have to die in sci-fi/horror movies and, I must admit, you handled the actual attacks well – quick and to the point. I like that. What’s missing for me is that I really didn’t have any sort of connection to the... Twenty-five named characters in a 94 page screenplay is a lot.
  
  The heart of the story is Bowen and he is the only character of interest. It is true that people have to die in sci-fi/horror movies and, I must admit, you handled the actual attacks well – quick and to the point. I like that. What’s missing for me is that I really didn’t have any sort of connection to the characters that died – I didn’t feel anything. Consider trimming back the character count (you don’t need the whole “Amy” side story, Hellam’s henchmen, Baker’s family, Ed White or Helan. With these folks gone, you can focus on developing Baker and the other crew members into people with personalities that a reader can identify with.
  
  I’d like to know more about Frank and Mark Baker, and them at odds with Hellam. Get Mark and Bowen together more. Let’s get to know the crew better – who are they? Get into your antagonist deeper, aside from the desire to be evil, who is he?
  
  There is good dialogue here, eg: Hellam described as a “tin god”, and the characters have actual conversations such as Ed and Helan on pg. 5 talking in their own baby speak, “Me see!” etc., but learn to pare it down, Bowen’s dying words are way too much.
  
  Also, the story lacks authenticity. This crew is woefully unprepared to be traveling to an environment like Europa. And on pg. 62, would people in their right mind separate in this extremely hazardous environment? Sci-fi at least has to be plausible. What I did like was the underwater world of Europa, exotic, dangerous – I wanted to know more – maybe this is the real “diamond”. Perhaps it’s in these creatures the cancer cure could be found. Just a thought.
  
  Also, a few technical things kept taking me out of the story, for example, all the helping verbs in the action blocks: “is gliding” rather than “glides, “is watching” rather than “watches”; use the active voice in a screenplay. Many parentheticals were unnecessary. If your action blocks are clear and your characters strong, you don’t need to coach the actor on how to say the line. Be consistent with names. If you use “Felipe” above dialogue, use “Felipe in the action block, not “Mercado”. Don’t make your reader work to remember who is who – it takes them out of your story. I think the story idea has potential, not every story has the hero killing everybody by the end, but it needs more focus on character. Good Luck to you.
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