Reviews of Figment 9

• 
  Guy's Mind Looks Like a Lady
  A review of Figment
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/23/2008
  Dude, you have an agent and they let you put your stuff out in the public like this? I thought that was a no-no. Oh, well on to the review. First is in the very opening action block. Not that it's terrible, but I usually make it a point to never use IS unless absolutely necessary. IS, is passive and slows the read. You've got some flowery prose here that don't help. "seeing... Dude, you have an agent and they let you put your stuff out in the public like this? I thought that was a no-no. Oh, well on to the review.
  
  First is in the very opening action block. Not that it's terrible, but I usually make it a point to never use IS unless absolutely necessary. IS, is passive and slows the read.
  
  You've got some flowery prose here that don't help. "seeing the futility in it all","Satisfied his patient received the message". These aren't that visual and ad nothing.
  
  Lose action lines that have only one word. Rewrite the action block. Why waste blessed space with one word.
  
  Holy mega action blocks batman! Action blocks should be 3-4 lines 5 if only absolutely necessary. Rewrite these or break them up. A big block of text is a major turn off. It's a screenplay not a novel.
  
  Just another rant on the passive voice. Lose most words that end in 'ing'. They're usually boat anchors when it comes to pace. 'Shakes his head' sounds much better than 'Shaking his head'
  
  Here's my page ten review. Not bad, so far, but the problems I have mentioned above would keep a pro from reading further, unless your agent gave it to them.
  
  Oh, stop please! The passive voice is killing me. Or was it, The passive voice kills me.
  
  Maybe a more passionate and less animalistic sex scene would work better here. But this may be where the character is going? Also, I know Carly's name is a secret to Dylan, but does it have to be to us for so long?
  
  I don't know, but is there a way to more clearly tell us that Dylan woke from a dream and not that we are just seeing a scene further in the future.
  
  Ok, page 30 review. I was almost lost here. I almost gave up, nothing was happening, but now it gets interesting.
  
  The Mona Lisa is a tiny painting of an ugly chick, hell it could even be a guy. That last comment was brought to you by insanity and the letter P.
  
  Another nitpicky item. Sometimes you have a space after an ellipsis (...) other times you don't. Pick one.
  
  I love the two worlds merging here. Great stuff!
  
  Wow, these big, long, huge dialogs just pull me from the story. My eyes glaze over.
  
  Not fond of characters explaining the wrap up.
  
  Well, I was expecting the twist in the end to have more of an impact.
  
  Overall a well written intriguing tale.
  
  Now ignore everything I just wrote. read
• 
  You left me wanting...
  A review of Figment
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/23/2008
  Hey Donald,I'm very disappointed in your script.  Not the way I was disappointed when watching the new Indiana Jones flick, where I was expecting a great film and it was awful from one minute to the next.  I'm disappointed that such an intricate story, obviously well thought out and written masterfully would have an ending that absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.  I want... Hey Donald,I'm very disappointed in your script.  Not the way I was disappointed when watching the new Indiana Jones flick, where I was expecting a great film and it was awful from one minute to the next.  I'm disappointed that such an intricate story, obviously well thought out and written masterfully would have an ending that absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.  I want to say that it is very conceivable that maybe I just missed the point of the story, and why exactly Dylan was having these hallucinations, and why he morphed into Carly at the very end.  Perhaps I am feeble minded, but I have no idea what thematic elements you were striving for in the script.  If you are merely implying that falling in love is indeed dangerous, and that is the theme you're focusing on, then in my opinion the story does not back your conviction.  You should know that of all the scripts I've read in my lifetime, and there are many, this is by far one of the most interesting and extremely well written scripts I have ever read, up 'til a point.  Even though the dialogue tends to be very wordy, a la Tarantino and Guy Ritchie, it was very humorous, tense and provocative.  I'm just not sure what you're trying to say.  Something like this I believe would work better as a short story, because not much really happens other than Dylan going from one perceived reality into another, which is interesting to a point, but for an audience to sit there and watch two men drink, play music and fuck all the time and not do much else, the payoff at the end is less than satisfying, especially if it hinges on your audience connecting the dangers of love to losing all sense of reality and living in alternate or parallel worlds. - Again it is very possible that maybe I just missed the point, but I stand by what I say.But the positives, and there are many, most of the story is thoroughly enticing, with excellent characterization, dialogue and story telling.  Your description of scenes were so precise I was able to see this story in my imagination.  Each character's involvement with one another was very engaging and entertaining.  Please let me know if I completely missed the basis of your story, because I enjoyed most of your script so much that I would be bummed if I misinterpreted something.  Or even if I did and I still back my opinion, I would love to discuss it with you and help you in any way I can to further improve your script.            read
• 
  Review of Figment
  A review of Figment
  by Sabreean on 10/21/2008
  I think the story idea is great and enjoyed reading it very much. I especially liked the sequence with Joey, Dylan and Claude trying to figure everything out and going off to Vegas. The last third of the script reminded me very much of "Mulholland Drive", except that it made sense. From me, comparison to David Lynch is high praise! I would suggest either significantly... I think the story idea is great and enjoyed reading it very much.
  
  I especially liked the sequence with Joey, Dylan and Claude trying to figure everything out and going off to Vegas.
  
  The last third of the script reminded me very much of "Mulholland Drive", except that it made sense. From me, comparison to David Lynch is high praise!
  
  I would suggest either significantly shortening the opening with the psychiatrist or getting rid of it entirely; it telegraphs the story twists upcoming.
  
  I would also make the psychiatrist a woman, a real woman confronting Dylan as opposed to two imaginary women. His attitude with the shrink is what-the-hell-this-isn't-real, which makes more sense if the shrink is a woman.
  
  The dialogue could be tightened, but that's a subjective observation, as I prefer very tight dialogue.
  
  I also liked that the world change graduated throughout the story from instant (dream/wake) to morphing. It could easily have been an abrupt change but instead it shows how Dylan evolves to control his reality.
  
  In the last scene with Carly, Dylan seems to be breaking through, taking control of the reality. So it seems that he should leave Carly instead of Carly leaving him. Up to that point Carly had done all the coming and going but if the point is that Dylan is now taking control, he must be the one to enter and exit. He has to say goodbye and force the change to another reality. That would also work better with the ending. Supposedly Carly is just imagining Dylan but his taking control would explain why her imaginary lover has become real. She imagined him but he wanted to be real, so dammit, he became so.
  
  I especially liked the trumpet as the instrument that triggers the changes, that's exactly what we believe musicians do, isn't it? Create a new, usually better world for us through their music, creating a world we can lose ourselves in. And Satchmo...I just really liked Satchmo. Dylan's loyal, unchanging companion, the same in every reality. Dylan's touchstone and compass.
  
  I have no structural remarks, I'm not big on Aristotle's three-act structure. A story has its own structure and it lets you know what it is as it unfolds. You seemed to follow the story where it went and it allowed me as a reader to do the same. If there are act breaks I didn't see them and am glad; I find them distracting.
  
  I hope my comments were at least somewhat useful. Thanks for letting me read your script. read
• 
  FIGMENT
  A review of Figment
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/21/2008
  Page 5 – nice intro, masterfully done. Good tension. Reminiscent of the bladerunner intro, tense interview. Pages 5 – 9. I’d go straight from trumpet practice to job interview. I’d probably lose some of the dialogue with the girl too – less is more for a femme fatale, maybe she just takes a light gives him a strong look and then goes?? Page 10 introduce joey and go straight...
  
  Page 5 – nice intro, masterfully done. Good tension. Reminiscent of the bladerunner intro, tense interview.
  Pages 5 – 9. I’d go straight from trumpet practice to job interview. I’d probably lose some of the dialogue with the girl too – less is more for a femme fatale, maybe she just takes a light gives him a strong look and then goes??
  
  Page 10 introduce joey and go straight into talk about the girl – lose the interview talk, event was too insignificant to bring up again and don’t talk much about the gig because we’ll see it soon enough.
  
  Page 12 – girl appears at the bar – beautifully written sequence.
  
  Page 15 – rather than athletic sex, I’d slow down that sex, this is trumpet and jazz and smokey bars remember.
  
  Pages 15 – 20. Carly goes to the restaurant with him and fixes him up with an interview. She could perhaps do this from his apartment with a phonecall on page 15. I only suggest this because if we are later to question whether or not Carly exits, it’s better that fewer people see her.
  
  Page 25 and you’ve introduced the suggestion of Dylan going to Europe with Carly. I’m thinking at this stage if that’s your intention, why not spend more time in the first 25 pages developing a little complexity in Dylan’s character, a few seeds for what will come, maybe a dark side and also perhaps a little of the same for Carly. If you do that you can focus on the love affair. Go from their meeting to an intense and mysterious relationship and then to the move to Europe – cut out the jazz about jazz and the chat with Joey – keep the story on track and root it firmly into the genre with some obscurity, some orson wellsian smoke and mirrors.
  
  Page 26 – I’d really like to see Carly take on more of a dominant role in their interchanges – she’ mysterious. In Paris, I’d still represent that element of uncertainty – Dylan doesn’t know everything there is to know about this girl – maybe he sees her making a phonecall, something discrete. He should feel that she’s out of his league somehow, inaccessible and that she has a power over him. When she talks about playing in a bar in France, it’s more of a demand than a request, and Dylan, who’s in love with her, will do it, to keep her.
  
  Pages 28 – 34. I think you should move from an argument between Carly and Dylan to the waking up scene in his LA pad. Don’t mention the dream – as far as we’re concerned it’s still real. The restaurant opening is the first sign of something out of the ordinary and then maybe it needs backing up – calling Carly and there being no answer but I’d be inclined to go for a slow realisation – a few things that happen over the course of a few days – he’s got problems getting through to Carly on the phone – they had a fight so he’s worried she is answering – but when she finally answers it’s not her. Alcohol and music and a club are a good place for him to confront himself – did it happen? He’s confused and drunk, reality is uncertain. Joey is kept largely in the dark until meltdown.
  
  Page 35 – losing himself in the trumpet and switching worlds is a clever device. Nicely done. I’d be inclined again to keep this psychosis under wraps – he opens his eyes in the French bar and double takes. Carly asks him what’s wrong and he tells her he’s fine, just zoned out, must be tired. The discussion on page 36 – we lose the mystery if he confesses this way to people. If it stays his own personal madness, it’s more intense.
  
  Pages 42-46ish. I’d prefer it if Dylan gets wasted and wakes up with Tina, who says something criptic to him or has something criptic tattooed on her body or written on her apartment wall along the lines of the butterfly analogy. Tina is like a harder version of Carly, different but the same. She’s got to be darker because Dylan is slipping down the rabbit hole now, deeper, darker, reality slipping.
  
  Instead of their chat, which reveals too much of Dylan’s secret, I think it would work better if Tina has a life of some kind and isn’t too friendly. She wants him gone as much as he wants to be gone but at the same time, there’s something between them, spooky connection/attraction. He leaves and we don’t expect him to come back but of course, later, we expect them to hook up again.
  
  Page 50ish – maybe rather than another confession, if Dylan’s been smart, he’s kept the madness to himself so far – this is the time for him to have some kind of outburst at Joey, some paranoid outburst where he accuses Joey of being part of a conspiracy, a sick game.
  
  Page 51 Dylan returns to Tina but not for dinner. Tina’s dark, not the dinner kind – drink and cigarettes someplace dark and smokey. She might have the answers so he’s out to interogate but without giving himself away. Maybe the butterfly reference from her bedroom wall – coupled with the cutterfly tattoo on her body – it’s like a sign that she’s a ‘gatekeeper’ of secrets, of the doorway.
  
  Page 54 – Carly’s call out of the blue, I like it. Perfect timing.
  
  Page 54-8, nice work here. Joey should add to the already existent paranoia in Dylan’s mind that someone is out to mess with him. It becomes apparent at this stage that Dylan definitely needs some kind of backstory and history to be referenced in the first 30 pages – some kind of trauma or grief – maybe he lost his wife in an accident – he needs to be vulnerable to madness – this current situation opens up a previous wound. Without this, you are going to have a hard time keeping Joey’s role believable. If Joey knows of Dylan’s previous trauma, he knows Dylan is open to this kind of thing and he wants to protect him.
  
  Page 58 – bringing Carly in here, great, perfect timing.
  
  Page 61 – excellent twist – very exciting move for the story. What next?
  
  Again, I think if Joey has been privy to Dylan’s history of trauma, he would work very well in this situation, understanding, scared but taking over, calling the cops, making sure Dylan is taken care of.
  
  Page 67 – Claude comes into the piece and he shares Dylan’s condition. Interesting, I like this possibility. Maybe he could pop up earlier but her runs from Dylan. When they finally meet – more tension, both fear the other – this kind of madness is terrifying for the sufferer – everyone seems to be in on a cruel game – they almost come to blows – make it someplace dark, raining maybe – Dylan practically beats words out of Claude asking him ‘who are you?’ maybe – Claude barks back and we realise he’s in the same boat as Dylan – then they are both freaked, smoke together someplace dark, both paranoid, drinking heavily, afraid, weary.
  
  Pages 70 – 77ish – I think Dylan and Claude need to do this alone. Joey is from the real world, he undermines the mystery, leave him at home. Dylan is a fugitive is he leaves the country, this is serious business and both of them are spiralling downward.
  
  Page 77/78 unravelling the mystery, I like it. Appearance of future/past child is good, this could be the source of his backstory trauma, loss of wife and child..??
  
  Page 84 – if Joey gets interviewed it has to be infront of Dylan. Nothing in this piece can happen in Dylan’s absence – this is his mindgame.
  
  Page 92 with the shrink – time for a revelation – maybe that Carly is dead and has been for some time, she’s his dead wife maybe????
  
  Pages 96-106 I like your interchanges here between Carly and Dylan, growing in intensity towards some great revelation – what is it? Not the ending you have on page 106, that’s not a revelation that’s a shift. That Carly and Dylan’s son died a year ago and Dylan was responsible maybe, that’s a revelation. Whatever that revelation is, it’s the lynchpin.
  
  Great writing old chap. Moments of real genius here.
  read
• 
  Dylan's mind has left his brain
  A review of Figment
  by ettore on 10/21/2008
  This is a good script. When you introduce your characters, write their age like this: DYLAN (30’s), or DYLAN, 30’s, or DYLAN, 35. It helps when I can feel the age of characters together with their actions and dialogue. You know your characters best, so you are supposed to imprint them into minds of your readers. Page 4: “Psychiatrist: I’d like know more about her.” I’d like... This is a good script. When you introduce your characters, write their age like this:
  DYLAN (30’s), or DYLAN, 30’s, or DYLAN, 35. It helps when I can feel the age of characters together with their actions and dialogue. You know your characters best, so you are supposed to imprint them into minds of your readers.
  Page 4: “Psychiatrist: I’d like know more about her.” I’d like to know?
  “INT.APARTMENT-DAY” Where does all the action take place? We are to find out that Dylan lives in LA on page 26. It is more practical to mention it immediately because in your script the locations play very important part of the plot.
  Page 6: Interviewer later shows up as Jean Louis. Please do not use two names for the same person. It is confusing.
  Page 16: WELL DRESSED WOMAN. It is better to give a name to every character, even if they have only a few words to say and are seen for a very brief moment.
  Page 29: “Joey: Dyl? You alright? Dylan pulls over and parks.” Dylan pulls over and parks; does not belong to Joey’s monologue.
  Page 34: The Eiffle Tower. Eiffel?
  Page 40: TOPLESS …: “What’ll it be, handsome? Speechless, Dylan turns around”
  The same mistake as on page 29.
  Page 42: Joey “ … Dylan takes his drink and downs it.”
  Same as on page 29.
  You introduce Tina although she was already introduced as Co-ed from before.
  Page 45: Dylan “This one isn’t half bad. Tina pinches him.“ Same as page 29.
  Pages 56 and 57: Joey: She’s crossed over.”
  Dylan lives in two different realities which have no connection is physical terms. In one of his realities he is in LA, living with Tina the Stripper. In another reality he is married to Carly and lives in Paris, France. Then Carly shows up in LA part of reality. If Dylan is with Tina, how come Carly is in his bed as well? What happened to Tina.
  Page 89: INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE – DAY.
  The scene continues and on page 93:
  Dylan walks over to the bars of his cell and puts his hands on them.
  Writers who write about dream sequences and other types of alternate realities mention every time that the scene moves to different type of place: for example: FANTASY or DREAM.
  Page 98: “Dlyan and Carly.” Dylan?
  All in all this is very well written script, easy to read and to follow.
  The problem is only that you have sequences which seem like flashbacks, but are just psychotic episodes. Maybe Dylan should take some medication, or some drugs, or maybe he should get very drunk, and in that state he should behave in a visibly deranged manner.
  The way you lead us through the plot, we are definitively convinced that Dylan has actual flash backs and is a perfectly normal person. You have to give us a little clue about his mental condition, or otherwise we will be surprised when we find out that he is not talking with psychiatrist because he is evaluated as a suspect in case of murder, but because he is delusional as well.
  Dialogue is very good and probably the best part of your script.
  I wish you good luck with this script. Keep posting at Triggerstreet.
  
  read
• 
  Imagine That
  A review of Figment
  by David Muhlfelder on 10/19/2008
  The whole time I was reading this script, I found myself thinking that it was a cool concept. I was particularly impressed with the way you kept me off balance and guessing what was real and what was not thoughout. I never lost interest in solving the mystery from start to finish. So well done on that score. I really don't have a lot to offer in the way of suggestions. I... The whole time I was reading this script, I found myself thinking that it was a cool concept. I was particularly impressed with the way you kept me off balance and guessing what was real and what was not thoughout. I never lost interest in solving the mystery from start to finish. So well done on that score.
  
  I really don't have a lot to offer in the way of suggestions. I think Dylan, Carly, Tina and Joey are all well-drawn characters. The dialogue feels smooth and natural. And you offer up a satisfying twist at the end that I didn't see coming.
  
  I guess I have to earn my keep, so I do have some technical notes. The script read better in the second half than it did in the first. I felt your action lines were a bit overwritten in the beginning, especially when you first describe Dylan playing in the club. I would break up those elements, and use a more active voice. I felt your description improved as you went along, but it could still use tightening throughout.
  
  The other suggestion I have is somewhat moot given the twist at the end. The storyline with Tina felt more "real" that the Carly storyline. Everything in the latter storyline was so perfect that it seemed obvious that it was a fantasy, given how most musicians live. I would tinker with both storylines (Prior to Carly's crossing over) to give them more of a balance. Maybe make his scenes with Tina a bit more idyllic, and his scenes with Carly a bit more problematic. Yes, I was half-fooled by the conceit, but I think the potential exists to leave the reader thinking "Wow. You really got me coming and going."
  
  All in all, I think it's very intriguing, and I enjoyed the ride. Good luck with it. read
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  nothing is what it seems...
  A review of Figment
  by tp45597 on 10/18/2008
  Well I don’t really know where to start with this review! Just as I’m starting to get a concept of what the story’s about, there’s a twist and everything’s changed again! It felt a touch like total recall meets identity, but still with a good concept if not totally original. It took a while for me to get into the story, in the first twenty to thirty pages I was confused as... Well I don’t really know where to start with this review! Just as I’m starting to get a concept of what the story’s about, there’s a twist and everything’s changed again! It felt a touch like total recall meets identity, but still with a good concept if not totally original.
  
  It took a while for me to get into the story, in the first twenty to thirty pages I was confused as to where it was going. Then with the start of dyl’s so called mind troubles began to appear, I felt confused as to what was happening, and the Tina and Carly plot was confusing. However the last thirty pages were truly brilliant! From the moment when Dylan is arrested, from there the story begins to make sense, moves at a great pace and is really interesting! Plus the added benefit of a great twist!
  
  I’ll also give you credit as your dialogue throughout the story is fantastic, I thought some really great lines. But was not a fan of Joey, the guy seemed to have no real background, and a head that revolved just around sex! But I really enjoyed the story and enjoyed your writing. read
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  great mystery suspense
  A review of Figment
  by kevans2121 on 10/15/2008
  This was a fascinating erotic, mystery suspense thriller. Very well plotted with great twists and turns. Characters and dialogue were very authentic and spoke in distinguishable, personalized voices. I am still a bit confused over whether Tina exists? I liked the ending, Dylan doesn’t exist, but did Carly actually kill Tina, or was that just a figment, too? Is that why she’s... This was a fascinating erotic, mystery suspense thriller. Very well plotted with great twists and turns. Characters and dialogue were very authentic and spoke in distinguishable, personalized voices. I am still a bit confused over whether Tina exists? I liked the ending, Dylan doesn’t exist, but did Carly actually kill Tina, or was that just a figment, too? Is that why she’s talking to the shrink? You have a typo on your cover “Lterary”, otherwise very well formatted and structured, a very professional script. This was a fun and fast read, a real page turner. Visually evocative, switching between the 2 realities/fantasies. a neat mindbender like "memento." One of the best I’ve read on TS. Good luck with it! read
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  Figment
  A review of Figment
  by edparmelee on 09/25/2008
  This is the standard dream versus reality concept with bad 50's B-Picture dialogue that has a nice twist at the end but not enough to pull it up to par. The story takes far to long to develop and has major leaps of logic, faith and coherence that at times becomes ridiculous. Pieces, characters and dialogue seem to have been stolen from at least a dozen other bad movies so... This is the standard dream versus reality concept with bad 50's B-Picture dialogue that has a nice twist at the end but not enough to pull it up to par. The story takes far to long to develop and has major leaps of logic, faith and coherence that at times becomes ridiculous. Pieces, characters and dialogue seem to have been stolen from at least a dozen other bad movies so much so that the reader loses interest. The story bounces around too much so that it seems more at the whim of the writer than any consistant storyline should ever have to. Stereotype, standard, pseudo-cool characters don't help a script that could become something with a major rewrite. read