Reviews of Finders Keepers 09 3

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  Review of Finders Keepers
  A review of Finders Keepers 09
  by Parthenis on 12/05/2012
  Nice twists and turns. Kept my interest in terms of what's going on. I understand that English is not your first language so I think you did a good job in expressing yourself and getting the story across in a way that can be understood and appreciated. Has good elements of a crooked cop, betrayal and murder. The one question I have is: if the man with the briefcase has to deliver... Nice twists and turns. Kept my interest in terms of what's going on. I understand that English is not your first language so I think you did a good job in expressing yourself and getting the story across in a way that can be understood and appreciated. Has good elements of a crooked cop, betrayal and murder. The one question I have is: if the man with the briefcase has to deliver it to get paid a reward, why is there money already in the briefcase? Wouldn't he just deliver the memory card and collect his reward like Marcus did at the end. And if there is a reason for the briefcase to contain money, whose is it? These are explanations that need to be made otherwise the viewer is left wondering at the end and would feel like the story was never properly closed up. Just some thoughts to consider. Best of luck with your screenplay. Jim read
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  Review of Finders Keepers
  A review of Finders Keepers 09
  by LBelch on 05/01/2009
  Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read: Well Done: Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description. Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in... Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read:
  
  Well Done:
  
  Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description.
  
  Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining
  
  Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in cahoots together. Also, a nice payoff with Nicole using the climbing skills she exhibited in the first scene to save herself from the fall.
  
  
  Needs Work:
  
  Dialogue reads a little stilted and unnatural, work on trying to capture the way people actually speak.
  
  Having Nicole be pregnant, but not want the baby (subtext = abortion) is a risky move. You may automatically alienate people with this. Unless it’s central to the plot, I’d cut it.
  
  Nicole comes across as being very dense, how could she not realize the dude in the bed was dead the first time, much less the second day??? Not until she smells something funny does she think there’s something odd about a room torn apart two days in a row?
  
  The discovery of the money in the briefcase seems to come very late, I would recommend paring down the exposition and moving this discovery up several pages. Also, having Nicole jump right to “let’s keep the money” without any kind of moral dilemma makes her not very likeable.
  
  Pg 31, This line doesn’t make any sense – Nicole – Whenever when you want them to be
  
  Pg 51 – Now Nicole WANTS the baby? Why? Just b/c of the money? This issue needs to be explored/explained further.
  
  Pg 94 – I’m a little confused. When did Vincent steal the briefcase from the police station? I think this is part of a flashback, but you should label it as such to avoid confusion.
  
  
  Overall:
  
  You have a really nice concept here. One most everyone can relate to because who hasn’t wanted to find a briefcase full of cash. You have some nice moments in here, and a decent ending with a nice twist. A few more rewrites are needed though. I would really focus on the dialogue. Also some of the action comes across as very repetitive. Overall, some nice writing but there is more work needed. My biggest problem is that I never really connected to any of the characters, so it was hard to care if they lived/died or found the briefcase. In the rewrite I would focus some more on character development, let us know what makes these people tick so we can care what happens to them. Best of luck to you. read
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  it's ...
  A review of Finders Keepers 09
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 04/26/2009
  The first act: The characters are thought out very well except for their names.(Mr. Slick, Mr. Shady) Nicole had the perfect job for the story set up. The second act: Vincent killing Yolande was never explained. It seemed out of place but I guess it worked it self out in the end, even though I would rather have the goons kill her so Nicole and Vincent wouldn't seem so evil... The first act: The characters are thought out very well except for their names.(Mr. Slick, Mr. Shady) Nicole had the perfect job for the story set up.
  
  The second act: Vincent killing Yolande was never explained. It seemed out of place but I guess it worked it self out in the end, even though I would rather have the goons kill her so Nicole and Vincent wouldn't seem so evil. Goons go to lunch during a intimidating interrogation?
  
  The third act: the story unfolded very well, even though I knew Nicole and Vincent would somehow hook up in the end.
  
  Overall, the story was pretty interesting, the characters started off innocent in which an audience could root for but in the end they became the average typical greedy people. Sometimes you were directing but it was very limited. Nonetheless it's a nice story. read